The Wedding Ringer (2015) Edit

A fucking priest?

A kid goes to Cornell University.

A priest in the military. Yeah.

A temporary stay of the ban.

A very dark past.

About wanting to start a family,

Actually, I, uh, don't think you're going to be

Adolf Hitler once said...

Afraid of getting your asses kicked by some old timers?

After they did it, they started to

After you.

Ah.

Ah. I said I'm not going to do it. (SNIFFLES)

Ahhh!

Ain't nobody gonna mess up this shit.

All I do is go from job to job,

All right, guys, listen up.

All right, guys. This is for Dougie!

All right, I'm going to wait for you outside.

All right, look, vato, weddings are just overblown parties

All right, Tonto. Do you want to see real?

All right. I like it.

All right. Let's go over some of my packages.

All right. Thanks.

All right. What is happening here?

All that stress you've been feeling.

All the room stood still. I closed my eyes and I reached out my hand,

All they could see was my eye pupils.

All things considered, not that bad for a Shotgun Intro.

All those things that you said about him, those incredible things.

ALL: (CHANTING) Fletcher! Fletcher! Fletcher!

ALL: (CHANTING) Nadia! Nadia! We got through this already.

ALL: ♪ It's that time in your life

ALL: ♪ Maze! tov!

ALL: ♪ My, my, my, Delilah

ALL: ♪ You light that shit up

ALL: Ohh!

ALL: To Dougie!

ALL: Yeah.

Allow me to introduce myself.

Alone? No. I run a very profitable business because of guys like you.

Am I a loser?

An Army guy that's the best man

And $300 cash.

And a Bible that was signed by Cardinal Enders.

And a smile on his face

And after a while I just figured,

And as I look at you tonight, Gina,

And by dark, of course I'm referring

And chicks dig the uniform shit.

And don't even get me started on the salad dressing.

And Doug can give me that kind of lifestyle.

And enjoy the cake.

And from there is when I was traveling,

And he ****d a lot of men in there. Yes.

And he's giving hopeless angels hope.

And he's giving small, little, black,

And his beautiful new bride.

And hunt bullfrogs and...

And I am marrying her.

And I don't know, ever since I lost my family,

And I got you something else.

And I have never met him, okay?

And I hired him to be my best man

And I knew at that moment

And I know that because you've told me

And I look over and I see the bride. She's got his arm, Doug.

And I remember asking him,

And I remember squinting because

And I said, well, put the money in the bag.

And I see Stu.

And I swear it was like slow motion.

And I wept. But they weren't tears of pain.

And if someone asks you who said it,

And if you croak within seven years of said wedding...

And in all the other pictures,

And in less than two weeks?

And in return, I got a soul.

And it was so sad, Doug.

And let's bring this shit home.

And mashed potatoes and vegetable medley.

And may God bless whoever else is on this.

And on our third date, she said something

And preconceived notions that originated in childhood.

And she doesn't know this yet,

And she was pretty.

And spilled it all over my lap.

And that's the brilliant philosopher, Ira Drysdale.

And that's when I knew that we were soul mates.

And the salad dressing is great,

And then one day I ran into her, and it was just different.

And then perhaps some dessert.

And then, we ship Father Bic: off to his untimely death.

And this Filipino exchange student.

And we still have so much to do.

And we're singing to the tune of

And when his parents, Merle and Irene,

And when I finally opened my eyes, I saw Jesus.

And you asked me to pull off a miracle.

And you played the violin until you were 19 years old.

And you said how pretty you thought

And you'll drop me off back here...

And you're asking me out on a date?

And you're gonna offer him nachos?

And you're sure I'll get laid? Yes.

And your best man's name is Bic Mitchum?

And your first dance will be to what song?

And your Party Trick Distractions.

And, uh, I just want to say

And, uh, I look up,

And, um, Chris has been like a brother to me.

And, you know, I made the all campus team a couple times in football.

Andrew always believed that the one

Andrew calls my cell phone and he says,

ANDREW: I don't even know what to say, man.

Any random words. Just be yourself, Doug. You'll be all right.

Anybody!

Anything else, Doug? Yeah. Plunkett's got to be in a wheelchair.

Are you all right, sir? Uh huh.

Are you familiar with North Dakota?

Are you fucking serious?

Are you going to chat all night or are you

Are you okay? Yeah.

Are you out of your fucking mind?

Are you still there, Seth?

Are you sure she's 'the one'?

Are you sure she's worth it?

Are you sure that you want to go through with this?

Are you sure you can handle going both ways?

Argh! JIMMY: Listen up.

As a replacement of the shoes

As fun as the one I paid for.

As if to say, Everything was going to be okay.

As long as we pass, it doesn't matter how we do it.

As you can see by my résumé, I've done tons

As you can see in this picture

At A.J. Wilson High School,

At Bardonia Community College.

At one point, the only good vein I had was between my toes.

At the time I thought it was a really smart idea.

Babe, I know you've been really busy,

Baby, what is going on with you? (CLEARS THROAT)

Back.

Balls.

Baseball. And I love women's basketball.

Be a goddamn man!

Be very gentle with my car. I've seen your car...

Because Father McNulty here,

Because he was my principal at Benjamin Rush.

Because I can't go out there and tell the truth.

Because I had no other options.

Because I know that you both have found the one.

Because I'm a fucking priest and I can't

Because I'm calling to see if maybe

Because my friend Bic is not a priest.

Because she's marrying this amazing guy.

Because they said when they turned the lights out in the hallway,

Because this is hot, hot, hot! Okay?

Because what you're talking about

Because who the fuck knows anybody from North Dakota?

Because why? He's overseas,

Because you need Bic.

Because, see, in March... April, I was in the Middle East.

Bic Mitchum can have whatever the fuck he wants!

Bic Mitchum is actually Father Bic Mitchum.

Bic? The Bic?

Bic. Hey, ladies, what's going on?

Big deal.

Bitches, right?

Blow me, kid. Oh...

BOTH: ♪ Near, far... ♪

BOTH: Motherfucking Bic Mitchum.

Breathe, Doug.

Brentwood? Biltmore. Hal Lane Orchestra.

Bring him to lunch tomorrow. Are you crazy?

Bring him to lunch with you. No!

BRONSTEIN: Doug and I met at Camp Wampacheempi.

Bronstein.

Bronstein. ...is Japanese.

Bud, are you waiting on me? Yeah. Yes.

Burn this.

Business skyrocketed.

But at least you have Doug. True love conquers all.

But he's still with us.

But I am still missing the groomsmen's information.

But I am willing to make the necessary sacrifice

But I don't know. I think I'd rather speak from the heart.

But I just want to say that you have put on

But I promised Marci I'd get out of the game.

But I think we can all agree that in this shot,

But I was actually calling because

But I... Tonto.

But I've got to say, they're really good guys.

But it's good to be one of the guys.

But it's okay. Rest assured,

But let me say, that was a hell of a tackle for a tenderfoot.

But nobody here really gives a fuck.

But now I can see it's going to upset you. A fucking priest?

But our wedding is in 10 days.

But she never gave me the time of day.

But she's going to be my wife.

But that day when I woke up face down in that snowbank,

But that's not real.

But the article says this will enhance

But the doctor says she's going to be fine.

But the Lord says, Don't judgeth upon what happens,

But there's so much going on.

But we wrote you a little ditty. (PEOPLE EXCLAIMING)

But what happens upon what can't be judged.

But what I need to know is if you're going to catch the goddamn ball.

But you at least look normal.

But you cannot hide a bad dancer.

But you know how guys are.

But, after Father of the Bride came out on DVD and Blu ray,

But, babe, what about you? Who's going to be your best man?

But, see, Andrew's a bit more rational than me.

Bye, sweetie.

Cabo, Cancun, spring break? You've never done anything like that?

Call me Bic, please.

Call me sometime. Maybe we can catch a Dodger game.

Can I do my Cockney accent?

Can I give you the dates?

Carew, you're a podiatrist in Knoxville.

Cheers, my friend.

Chinchillas.

Chris and I, you know, we did stuff together.

Christ, somebody just shoot me. I'll be outside.

Clever. No, it wasn't.

Clients sometimes blur that line.

Climbing the glaciers

Come here, you little shit. Wait!

Come on, Doug, get up. Good D!

Come on, I'll teach you some basics.

Come on, kiss her goodbye.

Come on, man. You're better than this, Reggie.

Come on, we're getting too tired. Up. Yes.

Come on, we've got to go.

Come on, what are you doing, Lou? LOU: No guts, no glory!

Come on, you lead.

Come on. Let's go get you married.

Come on. We've a lot of work to do.

Compliments are for women, questions are for men.

Compliments are for women. Questions are for men.

Cool fucking pretty that's. (CLICKS TONGUE) Whoa!

Could fall for a yutz like me.

Could like me.

Crystal meth. I'm not sure if any of you guys can relate to it.

Cuss around your family, Doug. Fuck!

Da da da da!

Dad!

Damn it.

Damn it. I was going to keep this a surprise, but...

Damn. You're trying to smuggle

Decided to make it an MMA blood sport.

Dickerson, you're a lounge singer from Canada.

Did you mean what you said back there?

Did you see their faces? They were smiling.

Did you take one of those pills Plunkett was handing out?

Did you touch my dick? Okay, I'm sorry.

Didn't you meet Bic at that... I met Bic?

Direct from women's unreasonable fantasies

Divorced, no kids.

Do I wear a fucking cape? Bic Mitchum?

Do not touch. (LAUGHING)

Do that'll okay.

Do you have a distraction

Do you have any idea what you're asking for?

Do you have something, maybe, a little less harsh? 'Cause he's like...

Do you have to hit every single meter, Lou?

Do you like the Dodgers?

Do you remember how good you felt the first time you did this?

Do you supinate or pronate? What?

Do you take credit cards? Oh, no, I only take cash.

Do you think that each and every single one of them

Do you want some nachos?

Do you want some weed?

Do you want to trade?

Do you, Douglas Ephraim Ben Lazar Menahem Harris,

Do you, Gretchen Palmer,

Dodger game is code word for fucking.

Does anyone else feel really fucking gay right now?

Does he have three testicles? Yeah, I've got three.

Does that mean you don't want my money?

Does your foot roll inward or outward? Outward.

Don't do that. All right, relax.

Don't do this here. Don't do that.

Don't feel bad, Doug. She goes through a can of Aqua Net a day.

Don't pin this shit on me. REGGIE: Hey, hey, now.

Don't talk to Jimmy like that.

Don't tell policy on child molesting?

Don't you rip that paper up. You never do that.

DORIS: Alzado, you're a computer programmer.

DORIS: Drysdale, you teach philosophy

DORIS: Garvey, you're a botanist.

DORIS: Gentlemen, in these wallets,

Double check your measurements and perfect your PTD's, guys.

Doug and I have been through a lot together.

Doug Harris, right? Uh, yeah.

Doug Harris. You know, Doug Harris.

Doug is a good guy, he's good family material.

Doug is smiling,

Doug was there waiting for me with a huge hug

Doug, don't move!

Doug, get off of me. OTIS: Man, your father in law hates you.

Doug, in the future, if somebody asks you something

Doug, nine days ago, you came to me

Doug, what are you doing?

Doug, you have to calm down.

DOUG: (ON PHONE) Sweetie.

DOUG: But Bic's still in...

DOUG: Can we discuss the rules again?

DOUG: Fumble!

DOUG: Get me out of the car.

DOUG: He's in a wheelchair!

DOUG: Hey, Dad.

DOUG: Hey, there. We've got a bit of a problem.

DOUG: I, uh...

DOUG: I'm not strapped in!

DOUG: I've got to get to a hospital, guys.

DOUG: Now, is this guy also a pro? Yeah!

DOUG: Oh, he will be. Mom.

DOUG: Oh, my God.

DOUG: Right. The how where whats.

DOUG: Someone help me! Please, God! Please!

DOUG: Stephen!

DOUG: Stephen!

DOUG: Use random words.

DOUG: Where's Lou?

DOUG: Why are we here?

DOUG: Your friends are gonna be there.

Doug! Doug!

Doug. (GUESTS MURMURING)

Douglas, you can hide a fat ass in baggy pants,

Douglas! Hi! Perfect timing.

Downtown, Millennium Biltmore.

Drysdale, set it off. What time is it?

Dumb? You can't even say Patagonia, you idiot.

Eat American, but prefer cheddar,

ED: Back on your side, loser.

ED: I'm going to tear your head off.

ED: Oh, my God! ALISON: Get something!

ED: You're such a fucking embarrassment.

Ed! Let's go with the Très Beau.

Ed's uncle has a ranch up there.

Eddie. Hey, Eddie, stop. Stop.

Endo, put it up.

ENDO: Dougie Fresh!

ENDO: I can still see it.

ENDO: Oh, he had to lose weight.

ENDO: That's a good question. (ALL AGREEING)

ENDO: We made it! (ALL CHEERING)

Enhanced in a smoky silver tone.

Ever honeymoon best the be to going is this!

Every test that we encounter will be the same, pass or fail.

Every time. Every time.

Everybody is thinking, Why in the hell

Everything is going to be all right.

Except for the fact that you prefer showers to baths,

Excuse me. You got to get going, Jimmy.

Fairy? (GRUNTS) (GUESTS GASPING)

Far sighted or near sighted'? Far sighted.

Father McNulty? Yes.

Father. Okay.

Favorite sport, Doug?

Feelings are irrelevant in the big con.

Filling those pews to celebrate some holy matrimony.

Finished third on the bar exam,

FITZGIBBONS: Go, go, go.

FITZGIBBONS: Gretchen. Yes.

FITZGIBBONS: I just tried to scare him off.

FITZGIBBONS: Oh, God, 72 just bit me! JIMMY: All right, that's it.

FITZGIBBONS: Take his pants off!

FITZGIBBONS: To the house! Don't pop that shit!

FITZGIBBONS: You need this, Doug.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Everyone, please,

For an extra thousand dollars,

For my law school tuition.

For one thing, it looks like the entire cast of Goonies

For the last month rule.

For the rehearsal dinner as well as the wedding.

For your safety, no. I would kind of leave it alone.

Freshman year? Your roommate?

From all that goddamn listening.

From Boyle Heights.

From having found my path, of course.

From pulling off a Golden Tux.

From the moment I met you.

Fuck no. That's my sister.

Fuck this, fellows. Shit just got real.

Fuck you, man! No, Bic can't have these...

Fuck you! Wait.

Fucking white people.

Garvey's family owns a blank farm.

Gather around.

Get back there! (THUDS)

Get him to sing it. Come on, white boy. I'm good, I'm good.

Get up, guys. We're about to give these

Get up. Get your ass up. We're going to be late for brunch.

Give me the tablecloth!

Go on, girl. You're good.

Go out here, amuse these old geezers.

God always wins.

God created the world in seven days.

God damn it, man.

Going to come up and sing with us?

Good evening. My name is Bic Mitchum,

Good game, kid. That was a hell of a catch.

Good night, Tonto.

Good one! (ALL LAUGHING)

Good. Yeah, real good. You?

Got it.

Grandma made a full recovery.

Grandma, I've seen your teeth.

GRANDMA: I'm on fire! JIMMY: Oh, my God!

Gretchen doesn't love me. She never has.

Gretchen, how do you like your grandma?

GRETCHEN: At least Edmundo was able to reschedule

GRETCHEN: But our Wedding's in 10 days.

GRETCHEN: Honey?

GRETCHEN: Honey. (GASPS)

GRETCHEN: I told you guys to be careful.

GRETCHEN: I'm definitely going to have Alison be my maid of honor.

GRETCHEN: No. No, no.

GRETCHEN: Those are the strangest group of guys

GRETCHEN: You motherfuckers!

Grew up and became rapists.

GROOMSMEN: ls me and my balls.

GUESTS: Aw.

GUESTS: Aw.

GUESTS: Aw.

GUESTS: Aw. JIMMY: He inspired us all.

Guys, guys, I'm down here. Guys.

Guys, that was so hot. I'm sorry, Doug. It burns!

HAL LANE: Six violins, two violas, two cellos,

Half the team's coming in for the wedding.

Hancock Park, Bel Air, Palisades?

Happy times and sad.

Harvard. I went to Harvard.

Has somebody to be their best man?

Have a nice flight. Ooh!

Have a party trick distraction, do you?

Have each other's backs out there.

Have you ever been to a Dodger game?

Have you guys been drinking tonight?

He also taught us things

He goes, I just got engaged.

He had half his brain removed two years ago.

He has agreed to step

He just broke out of a federal fucking prison.

He knows I'm not Bic Mitchum.

He obviously has way too much time on his hands.

He really sounds like a great guy. Who, Reinsdorf?

He recently confirmed the number

He said it was worth it, though.

He said, Well, I was wrong. Her name is Gina Baker.

He told me he, uh...

He was an international tax attorney, right?

He was hit by a car. What?

He was in Mary's arms in the nativity scene at St. Michael's.

He was standing there with a handful of napkins.

He was stealing ladies' hearts since long before we knew him.

He will not be able to officiate the wedding.

He'll be there.

He's a buddy of mine from Stanford.

He's a priest overseas in the military.

He's going to throw up on the fucking bride.

He's got a dark past, but when you throw a tux on that son of a bitch,

He's up there making sad angels laugh

Headed back to the Middle East.

Hell, yeah. I need to eat some meat, man.

Hello, Doug. Hi. Great to meet you.

Help you with all of this?

Help!

Help!

Hence, Edmundo.

Her old man hooked me up with this job.

Here comes Pupil Jew Jew.

Here.

Here's a fun fact for you.

Hey Hon?

Hey, can I speak to you for a minute? Like, two seconds.

Hey, come on, we have to hammer out this toast, man.

Hey, Doug.

Hey, fat ass, we're going to do your sister!

Hey, hey!

Hey, hey! Lou, knock that shit off, man.

Hey, hey. Guys, guys. (ALL CONGRATULATING)

Hey, hey. Shut up.

Hey, I'm clocking out. I'm back in the game, baby.

Hey, look at me.

Hey, look, O, it's not like this

Hey, that's why we're here. Groom desensitization, okay?

Hey, this is bullshit, Jimmy.

Hey, uh, do you know where I can find the basement?

Hey, well, don't celebrate yet.

Hey, what are you doing, Fitz?

Hey, what did they say? Is she okay? Is she going to be all right?

Hey, what has gotten into you this week?

Hey, you put that down

Hey!

Hey!

Hey! Hey, you son of a bitch!

Hey. Doug's on line one. Something's wrong.

Hey. Hi.

Hey. There will be no trading!

Hey. Who is Jimmy?

Hey. You waited all night for me?

Hi, everyone. Hi. I'm Holly Munk.

Hi! Oh, my God!

Hi. I'm Doug. Doug Harris.

Hi. I've got something to say.

Hi. Yeah, I guess I do have a few questions. Mmm hmm.

Hike!

His family had a wedding planning business

His friendship came with an instant

Hola, Eduardo.

Holiday cards, birthday calls,

HOLLY: What, do you think you're too pretty?

HOLLY: What, do you think you're too pretty?

Holy fucking shit.

Holy shit! There's a gap in the bridge!

Honey, I thought you saw Bic at the Vatican a couple years ago.

Honey, it's my favorite. Please.

Honey, you know this is difficult for me, too, okay?

Honey? Shit, that burns!

How are you doing, Doug?

How are you looking on groomsmen? Not good at all.

How are you, man? Oh.

How did we meet? Where am I from? What do I do?

How did you like them apples?

How do you know Father McNulty?

How does it feel?

How does that feel?

How have you been, bro?

How is it hanging?

How is that a party trick? That's neither here nor there.

How long did we rent the place for'? Sing it!

How many weddings do you think were in the US last year?

How much wood could a woodchuck chuck

How this guy saved me in a barroom brawl one time.

How we climbed the Himalayas, how we fished for sharks,

Hurry up, Lou.

Hut! (YELLING)

I actually don't even know their real last names.

I am looking for a best man.

I am marrying a girl who, all my life,

I am so, so sorry.

I am still missing the groomsmen's information.

I asked them if they wanted nachos.

I attend your wedding for the full day.

I barely knew the kid.

I can do it, too. Stop.

I can honestly say that I've never had a friend

I can offer you the Algonquin Ranch.

I can't be there on Saturday.

I can't breathe. Mister, are you okay?

I can't do that because, um,

I can't feel my fucking legs!

I can't go back to jail! I'm tired of fucking dudes!

I can't guarantee that, but I'm quite sure that they will want you.

I can't keep anything down. I keep losing weight. I just...

I can't swim!

I checked the 10 day forecast.

I could have moved there, right?

I could read the part of Rose.

I couldn't believe it. But she's not the one, Jimmy.

I couldn't see a thing.

I cried as if they were my own.

I didn't even know who I was.

I didn't know where I was.

I didn't say it was going to rain. (GRUNTS)

I didn't shoot him. I shot up. That dog is dead.

I didn't teach you that.

I do.

I do.

I don't have a sister.

I don't have any cash. I only have credit.

I don't have the ball! (SCREAMING)

I don't know about the Lord.

I don't know.

I don't love her, either.

I don't need this kind of pressure, man.

I don't see nothing in the package about it.

I don't think so, Pops.

I don't understand why they do these things

I don't want it. Take it.

I don't want to be that guy.

I expect... No, I demand perfection.

I feel like we're not at that level.

I feel terrible.

I got a bad feeling about this flight.

I got a two way call from the big fellow himself.

I got it. There it goes.

I got to do a whole lot more in a lot less time.

I got to go find you some damn friends.

I got to talk. We got to talk.

I got to, uh, hit the office tomorrow. I'm sorry.

I got your back, man.

I gotta say, it feels really good

I had seen her a couple of times,

I had to promise to fix the kitchen cabinets to get her to calm down.

I hate this stuff.

I have a nice job, I have a real nice business.

I have everything under control

I have to go, buddy. No!

I have to say, all these guys seem a little off,

I have to say, I learned from the master.

I haven't slept in months.

I heard Doug enjoys that. What?

I hope your dick gets chopped off.

I just don't understand why you continue to say this stupid shit.

I just feel like there's not enough time.

I just feel really good about everything.

I just hope it all goes smoothly.

I just need a wall. No, no, no!

I just want her to be happy.

I just want you to remember that this is a business relationship.

I knew someone would get hurt. Look at this.

I knew you were full of shit

I know a place that has great burritos.

I know at this moment

I know that I can throw you the ball.

I know that you're faster than Big Ed.

I know we agreed to the whole no making love

I know you can't understand any of this.

I know. Maybe we could take one night off.

I know. Maybe we could take one night off.

I like that. And I got your back, too.

I like you, man. I think you're a great guy.

I lived on four different continents.

I love my fiancée, I love my fiancée.

I love the idea that a girl who looks that hot

I love this girl.

I love you. Thank you.

I mean, actually, terrified. Like, Wah! What is that?

I mean, can't your best man

I mean, I didn't invite you to my wedding.

I mean, I had no idea. (ENGINE STARTS)

I mean, no one can fight over that.

I mean, that was the 9th grade field trip.

I mean, the key to relationships

I mean, there's a striking resemblance, isn't it?

I mean, when you really listen to the words.

I mean, you hardly even know me.

I need liquids! JIMMY: Get back!

I need seven.

I need you to take your seats.

I never expected

I never expected the Jimmy Callahan

I never heard of him. Her family's priest.

I never really had anyone to go with.

I never said. North Dakota.

I never would have thought would have looked at me twice.

I now pronounce you husband and wife. (CHUCKLES)

I overheard the two of you talking, okay?

I provide best man services for guys

I remember one time when these kids took my lunch

I remember when we watched Girl with a Pearl Earring,

I said I got it.

I said, Stay your ass away from Plunkett. Didn't I tell you that?

I sat down and I wrote a pretty awesome speech.

I should have charged you more.

I should just call it off. No! These guys are great, man.

I still can't believe they actually bought all that

I still think they're losers.

I suggest you get your head back in the game.

I swear to God...

I think I made a terrible mistake.

I think I'm in over my head, Doug. No, no.

I think that's quite the invitation, Ed,

I think that's right. That's what it says?

I think you have said something about him.

I think you said, Red hot pussy seltzer.

I thought it would make me look cool.

I thought maybe we'd have a little ice cream

I thought they wanted nachos.

I thought you said you was a vegan.

I thought you were just a nerd fan.

I told him he was going to crush ass.

I told you I need you to drive.

I told you I've been working on the talking backwards thing.

I tried. (SHOUTING IN SPANISH)

I trust you, you're not gonna do it. Don't trust me!

I want him to help us decide on all these fun things.

I want my real life to be

I want to do all of that shit, but I can't.

I want to introduce you to Dirty Eddie Sanchez.

I want to propose a toast.

I wanted to keep it a surprise.

I wanted to quit grad school

I was a bit surprised when I met your groomsmen.

I was an all conference nose tackle.

I was being blinded by this bright light.

I was bullied quite often.

I was covered in sloppy Joe

I was in the zone, baby.

I was just telling Papa Bear here

I was just working so much. I was working too much.

I was nervous. I was probably just as nervous as he was.

I was thinking about what you asked me the other day about Gretchen.

I went to 13 different schools by the eighth grade.

I will cut you!

I wish you would have called before. My place is a pig sty.

I would love for you to meet all my friends.

I would pay money

I, uh, know we haven't spoken in a while

I, uh, told her that I have a best man lined up.

I, uh...

I, uh... I feel just awful.

I, um...

I'd love for him to be caught up on all this.

I'll be back with the croutons.

I'll be the first to say that we underestimated

I'll call Marci myself. Is that what you want me to do?

I'll murder your family! Turn it off. (CRYING)

I'll murder your family! Turn it off. (CRYING)

I'll tell her about Kokomo.

I'll throw you a bachelor party to your liking.

I'm 6'4.

I'm 6'4.

I'm a doctor. What type?

I'm a lounge singer myself up there in Canada.

I'm about to get married to this great girl, Gretchen.

I'm actually okay.

I'm an apprentice. I just take care of the van

I'm Bic. Where's the pussy at? What?

I'm dead. (STAMMERS)

I'm dying to finally meet all your friends.

I'm fine. I'm fine. BRIDESMAID: Oh, my God.

I'm fucking with you.

I'm getting a little nauseous, man. What?

I'm getting married, bud. Wow! That's amazing. Congratulations.

I'm going to go out here and I'm going to make my toast,

I'm going to need a deposit.

I'm going to take some.

I'm just an employee with a job to do. I get it.

I'm just going to have to move, anyway. What's the point?

I'm just going to...

I'm just happy the big day's finally here, to be honest with you.

I'm just happy to (STUTTERS) be here.

I'm late, man. God damn it.

I'm late. Come on, get in the car.

I'm like an angel.

I'm not dancing.

I'm not looking for a friend.

I'm not playing the Look, Jimmy game.

I'm not sure I know what you mean by that.

I'm not sure I understand what you're implying.

I'm only 15!

I'm only there when you need me to be. (DOOR OPENS)

I'm proud of you, Doug. I really am. Well, thank you, sir.

I'm really inspired by black, American soul singers.

I'm serious, man. You got the real deal tonight.

I'm sick of driving. I want in.

I'm so sorry. It's okay.

I'm sorry. I dropped a line.

I'm sorry. Uh...

I'm sorry. What did you just ask them?

I'm supposed to crush ass.

I'm the head bridesmaid.

I'm thinking to myself how insane what we're doing is.

I'm your new best man.

I've actually got some really great news.

I've always wanted to make one of my own.

I've been eating Cinnabon for breakfast,

I've been on a bullet train ever since I proposed.

I've delivered many sermons,

I've ever seen in my life.

I've got some really important people waiting on us.

I've got the ball! I've got the ball!

I've gotta go. It was really great getting to know you.

I've never done a goddamn whole family.

I've never heard of Henderson.

If a woodchuck could chuck wood?

If I end up doing a Golden Tux for you,

If I were to ask you something about Bic

If our true match exists somewhere,

If we know nothing else, we can tread enough water

If you could pick your favorite superhero, who would it be?

If you ever found a woman crazy enough to marry you,

If you feel you have reached this recording in error,

If you get backed in a corner and you don't know what to do,

If you were, there would be big screen TVs,

If you're looking for a basic Single Wing Ringman,

In April I was in the Middle East. Muffin juice.

In Baton Rouge.

In mysterious ways.

In one week, Bic will be on a plane

In the ass!

In the middle of traffic. It's annoying.

In the wheelchair, that's Plunkett.

Instead of being some guy that works out of a renovated fucking closet?

Is a Single Wing Ringman thing.

Is being honest, you know?

Is it too tangy?

Is Pas Man a superhero?

Is that a dog?

Is that a dog? You can't have a dog on the plane.

Is that Boyz ll Men?

Is that your girl?

Is that, uh...

Is this a large wedding or a small wedding?

Is what we joke about around here.

Isn't he a priest or something?

Isn't how you feel about someone else.

Isn't this so much more fun than sucking my dick?

Isn't Tom Jones white?

It becomes a permanent part of your memory.

It doesn't get any better than this, boys.

It doesn't get any better than this, boys.

It doesn't mean that we're going to be best friends.

It doesn't mean that we're not going to have a good time, Doug.

It feels like we don't know each other that well. You know?

It feels so scruffy and wet.

It is my job to make you look good on your wedding day.

It must have had a heart attack.

It really is.

It said monologue.

It was an act of desperation.

It was Doug who helped me pay

It was great getting to know you, too.

It was... It was, uh...

It's a myth.

It's a one way street!

It's a pleasure finally meeting the love of Doug's life.

It's a tag name. Military code.

It's about how they make you feel about yourself.

It's about you having a good goddamn time, man.

It's all about making her happy, Doug. All right?

It's an amateur move, but it's common.

It's an inferno! JIMMY: Holy shit!

It's been a long time.

It's Bic. Bic Mitchum.

It's called a unicorn. It doesn't mean I can get you one.

It's called loyalty.

It's exciting. Your friends are gonna be there.

It's game time!

It's going to be incredible.

It's going to be like shooting fish in a barrel.

It's good to meet you guys. So, please stay

It's great to finally meet you.

It's interesting. Do they have a don't ask,

It's like a band playing their most popular song.

It's making it worse!

It's not an exit.

It's not on the pamphlet.

It's not working! DOUG: Get it off!

It's our goal in life to find her.

It's Patagonia. Padronia.

It's showtime.

It's that simple, man.

It's you! Look at you. Come on.

******* angels with a face full of corn

Jill Abromowitz, freshman year.

Jimmy is actually a tag.

Jimmy, can I talk to you for a second?

Jimmy, go die in a fire! I hate you.

JIMMY: All right. Did you, uh...

JIMMY: Chop block! That's a chop block!

JIMMY: Everybody, chill out! Put the bottles down,

JIMMY: Help him out, guys. You got it?

JIMMY: It's called a dry run. I do it with all my grooms.

JIMMY: Let's go, let's go, let's go!

JIMMY: Lick that nutty butter!

JIMMY: Look at us.

JIMMY: No, sir. (ALL DISAGREEING)

JIMMY: No. This guy is not a professional.

JIMMY: Oh, my God!

JIMMY: Oh, shit!

JIMMY: Oh, shit.

JIMMY: Shit, for another 100 bucks, I'll throw in

JIMMY: Shush! Shut up. You talk too much.

JIMMY: So, I get a call out of nowhere, a guy I went to school with.

JIMMY: Stop it, Doug.

JIMMY: Stop it, Doug.

JIMMY: This way, Doug!

JIMMY: What are you talking about?

JIMMY: Where's the alcohol? Somebody give me the alcohol!

JIMMY: You're going to get through this, man.

Job? What job? Washing the damn van?

Jumping out of a plane at 10,000 feet. (GUESTS EXCLAIMING)

Just five short years ago,

Just follow me. I really don't get it.

Just for one night.

Just keep your eye on the ball, you little fucker.

Just make sure the bride and her mother are happy.

Just prepping for a little bit of this.

Just tell Marci that you'll do the kitchen cabinets on Sunday.

Keep going!

KIP: That's pretty fucking cool.

Kitchen cabinets.

Knock her back loose.

Lean on Me.

Let alone agree to marry me.

Let me show you what type of service it can do.

Let's get to work.

Let's go make some fucking history, huh? (GROOMSMEN CHEERING)

Let's go, bitch. Come on. I'm coming.

Let's go, man.

Let's start with the first time you saw her.

Let's, uh, get back out there, huh? Yeah.

Light bulb.

Like you setting my grandmother on fire. Oh.

Like yourself who lack in such areas.

Like, From across the room, she looked at me

Listen to me. He is your best man

Listen, I will throw it to you and you're going to catch it. Okay?

Listen, Menudo, first you tell me

Listen! Right now, we are back in the game.

Listen. Let's just keep it fun, fellows, all right?

Look at him! What do you think cheese is going to do to him?

Look out! BRONSTEIN: Stop the car!

Look, Jimmy, come on. No, don't Look, Jimmy me.

Loser?

Losers?

Lou, watch the Buick on your right!

Lou, you have to pull the fucking car over.

LOU: Fuck off. Okay.

LOU: Yeah! Suck on this, copper.

Love you, Dougie! HOLLY: Calm down.

Ls everyone out of the office?

Ls everything okay? What's the matter with you?

Lunch, and dinner for the past six months.

LURCH: Fumble! KIP: Fumble!

LURCH: I hate you, Lou!

LURCH: This is Marci's father's van.

LURCH: We're all going to die!

LURCH: Whoa. Easy there. That's going to be your dad.

LURCH: You're going the wrong way, Lou!

MAN 1: I don't know what to say, Doug.

Man, did you see the beautiful titties on that girl back there?

Man, don't worry about it.

March. March?

MARCI: Hurry up and finish the van. I'm hungry.

MARCI: Lurch, where are you?

MARCI: Where the heck did you put the salad dressing,

May I help you?

Maybe I just want someone to grab a beer with,

Maybe you can, or can't.

Maybe you just want to look into it. (LINE DISCONNECTS)

Me? With Jimmy Callahan?

Military code?

Mitchum. Bic Mitchum.

Mmm hmm.

Mmm mmm mmm.

Mmm. I'll drink to that.

Mmm. That's a great question.

Mom and I narrowed it down

Mom!

Months three for that saying been

Most romantic honeymoon destination.

Motherfucking Bic Mitchum. Motherfucking... (EXCLAIMS)

Mr. and Mrs. Harris.

Mr. Drysdale, Mr. Alzado, Mr. Dickerson?

Mr. Garvey, Mr. Plunkett, Mr. Carew,

Mr. Palmer, I'll take care of this.

Mrs. Harris, can I talk to you for a second? I'll get the thing.

Mrs. Palmer, I see where Gretchen gets her

Muffin juice. After that is when I was training.

My best friend,

My family priest is a goddamn pervert.

My friends are all gonna be there.

My mom isn't paying you to talk

My mom said, One day, they would come in handy.

My name is Bic and I got the dick. (INHALES SHARPLY)

My name is Bic Mitchum.

My name is Hobie Plunkett and I collect...

My name is Kip Loyola.

My name is Kip Loyola.

My, this has been a long time coming, hasn't it?

Nachos?

Nadia, do not give me a fletcher.

Nadia, you don't have to do this.

Nadia. No!

Nah, I realized that soon after.

Naturally, I go, Great. Congratulations.

Navigating the rapids of Colorado.

Never did I think she would like me,

Nice rond de jambe. Thanks.

Nice.

Nine days ago, I didn't think a Golden Tux was possible.

No address, no phone number.

No mas. He's one of us.

No one's ever asked me to pull off a Golden Tux.

No shit, Doug.

No, get in my car. Come on.

No, he's not, Doug.

No, I don't feel that way. What about that...

No, I don't want to lead.

No, I mean, how do you like her? Medium, well done?

No, I've never heard of Bic Mitchum.

No, it was just a cab.

No, it's not.

No, late before I came.

No, man, it's exotic pets, you dumb motherfucker.

No, my name. I'm assuming you made up a name for me. What is it?

No, no, I'm good.

No, no, it's not like that.

No, that can't be taught. You're born with that.

No, that's bullshit, Doug.

No, there isn't.

No, they passed away several years ago. That's perfect.

No, we all made a pact.

No! No peanut butter! (DOG BARKING)

No! No. No, I can't. Why are you yelling?

No! Take my hand. I'll pull you in.

No! You take it back.

No.

No.

No.

No.

No. But there's a name for it.

No. Gretchen said...

No. No, not that, per se.

No. No, that's Len Brophy. I'm the other one.

No. Nobody does. What do I do?

No. We definitely didn't. Oh.

No. You have to get a new party trick.

No. You're going to be there. Do you hear me?

Nobody needs Jimmy, man.

Nobody wanted to take advice from a Mexican kid

Nod and smile. All right? Let's go.

None of this is real. (GUESTS GASPING)

Not even a little bit?

Not good as in you need one or two?

Not hitting on the bridesmaids?

Not that bad? I just set Gretchen's grandmother on fire.

Now you tell me Father McNulty has disappeared.

Now, Doug, I gotta be honest with you, man.

Now, I don't want you to think that I'm some sort of schmuck

Now, I know none of this is real,

Now, I need you to get comfortable

Now, if you've got real problems,

Now, Jimmy, we have less than a week

Now, that includes everything in the Bronze Bow Tie

Now? Yes, now.

Of a way to alleviate

Of Father O'Brien.

Of Patagonia. Hmm.

Of real friends the average American has.

Oh, boy, that's right. Because you left in March.

Oh, come on. Bring Bic.

Oh, come on. Bring Bic.

Oh, come on. That's the last one.

Oh, dear.

Oh, don't do that.

Oh, excuse me, Ms. Maid of Honor. What?

Oh, God, it feels so good, but I don't want you to.

Oh, God, it feels so good, but I don't want you to.

Oh, God, which way is the sidewalk?

Oh, God!

Oh, God! Okay! Okay! (ALL LAUGH LOUDLY)

Oh, God.

Oh, hello. Would you mind holding this for a second?

Oh, Henderson's a very small town, Ed.

Oh, I saw Jesus.

Oh, I thought it was a trick question.

Oh, I'm dead. You didn't give me a lot of time, man.

Oh, it's okay. It's okay.

Oh, man. Hal Lane is the best. I know.

Oh, man. Hal Lane is the best. I know.

Oh, my God, Dad.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! (ALL EXCLAIMING)

Oh, my God. Oh, Jesus.

Oh, my God. What are you doing?

Oh, my God. Who the hell are those guys?

Oh, my God. You are so sweet.

Oh, my gosh. Honey, that's... (MOANING)

Oh, Nadia, no!

Oh, no kidding. What town? Henderson.

Oh, no, no. Edmundo's bringing some more appetizer samples.

Oh, no, no. There's going to be no bachelor party.

Oh, no. Okay.

Oh, oh!

Oh, she was wearing a dress.

Oh, shit, here we go.

Oh, shit!

Oh, thank God. Come on, let's go see her.

Oh, thank you, Father.

Oh, thanks, Doug, I appreciate that, man.

Oh, this is happening. Shh!

Oh, well, I have to get them all out now

Oh, what's the matter, Bic?

Oh, where is it in relation to Bismarck?

Oh, wow. You work out, huh?

Oh, yeah. Oh, sweetie, I thought I told you that

Oh, you don't have to worry about them.

Oh!

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh. (CHUCKLES)

Oh. (WHISPERING) It was so amazing.

Oh. Wi WO.

Okay, bye.

Okay, Doug, I'm almost happy right now. What's my name?

Okay, give me one second.

Okay, honey, we're all set tomorrow. Brunch at my parents' house.

Okay, I'll be right there.

Okay, listen, y'all.

Okay, look, why don't I just contact Mr. Rambis,

Okay, NAS and we won't get caught.

Okay, so, here's the deal.

Okay, that explains the weight gain.

Okay, that'll do.

Okay, that's cool. (CHUCKLES)

Okay, then, fine, be the chick, Doug.

Okay, this shit's gone far enough! (SNIFFING)

Okay, you're right. But you know what? (SIGHS)

Okay? Not a single soul needs Jimmy.

Okay. If you need something a little more involved,

Okay. Wait, let me finish. And near sighted.

Okay. Yeah, all right. All right. Sounds good.

Okay. Yeah. Okay?

Old bitch! (SCREAMING)

Old bitches a nice little serving of youth.

OLDER PLAYER 1: Hut one.

OLDER PLAYER 1: Sit, pal! Pussies!

OLDER PLAYER 2: Dog pile!

OLDER PLAYER 2: He's open!

OLDER PLAYER 3: It's Webster! (OLDER PLAYERS LAUGHING)

OLDER PLAYER 4: Take that, gimp! (GROANING)

OLDER PLAYER 5: Blue dog left, Omaha!

On second thought, I will lead. Whatever, Doug.

On second thought, I've got a better idea.

On! Shit, baby!

One contrabass, one electric bass,

One, two, three. ALL: Break!

Ooh. Uh oh.

Or a party trick that ties in with this?

Or Aquafresh toothpaste, would you?

Or is no longer in service.

Or say, Hey, Doug, come on, let's go have a beer next week.

Or the CFO of Lubriderm

Or the three, for that matter.

Or we have our Très Beau

Or whatever the hell else I made up,

Originally? North Dakota.

Others are called to serve our country.

OTIS: All right, ready!

OTIS: Those old guys are fast and crazy, man.

OTIS: We're playing these old guys?

OTIS: Your father in law is a dick. (GROANS)

Our emotional reunification.

Over the last couple of days.

Ow!

Palmers, it's an honor.

Party tricks. Yeah, okay.

Pas Man's not a superhero at all,

Passed, God rest their souls,

Pata... Pata...

Patagonia.

Patagonia. Pagon.

Pay up, Father.

People believe because they have no reason not to.

Pepsi or Coke? Sunset, full moon?

Perfect wedding? (SCOFFS)

Persian Rug Doug? Chili Cheese Doug?

Playbills. Cabbage Patch Kids?

Please fasten your seat belts.

Please help me. I don't know what else to do.

Please join the happy couple?

Please, please tell me that you are kidding me.

Please. I'm just sick of dating assholes.

Plunkett, you're a lawyer.

Podiatrist. Is that right?

Political views?

PTD'S? That's your Party Trick Distractions.

Pull out your PTD.

Pull the fucking car over.

Put a sock in it. We're done.

Put it in your titties. I'm not going to jail for this.

Put your drugs away. Do you hear me?

Put your weight into it.

RABBI: Now, at this time, I would like to bring up

Rambis, you're a principal at Saint Peter's Middle School in Provo, Utah.

Random words.

Ray. A.R., ASAP.

Really?

Really? I don't have any.

RECORDING: We're sorry. You have reached a number

Red hot pussy seltzer.

Reggie, I don't need... Okay? Of course I'm in.

REGGIE: I don't have a fucking seat belt on, Lou!

REGGIE: They're going to think I kidnapped this white girl.

Reinsdorf was a piece of shit.

Remember all that stuff I said about

Remember your compliments, boomerang, random words.

Remember, we said no teasing each other. Mmm mmm.

Right now, the only we...

Right now, we're 30 minutes away

Right, but I thought that this would...

Right.

Right. You're not buying a new friend.

Ring the bell, rookie. Come on.

Roberta! ♪ Let's spend it up

Running the Santa Monica Marathon.

Same with all my groomsmen.

Sammy Davis Jr. Impressions to my face.

Saving these losers with no friends.

Saying the same thing for three months.

See you then.

See, although the flowers are beautiful

See, this all started because you wanted to make a guy feel good.

Send you off to Tahiti so you can blow Gretchen's back out.

Serious as paint.

Set. Hike! Let's go!

SETH: (ON PHONE) Hello. Hi. Seth?

Seven? I want seven vaginas up on my face. Do you guarantee that?

Seven? I want seven vaginas up on my face. Do you guarantee that?

Sha boing boing, you black Jew Jew.

Shall we do this?

She has some minor burns

She just caught fire so fast.

She knew my name, she asked me to go get a sandwich.

She knows I'm working with you again.

She talked to me. She talked to you?

She will leave me. I need your help.

She won't buy it unless she knows that you can sing.

She'll leave me, I know. You're not gonna tell her, are you?

She's doing really well. Doesn't she look good, guys?

She's got his arm so tight and she's glowing.

She's not even the two

Shh! Um...

Shh! Wait. Wait. I think I have an idea.

Shit, I didn't expect an answer that quick.

Shit, man.

Shit, the fucking dog has lockjaw.

Shit! We have open bottles in here.

Shit. (OLDER PLAYERS WHOOPING)

Shooting any fish in this particular barrel.

Short answers. You don't initiate conversation. Wi Wo.

Shouldn't I be able to tell her the truth?

Shut up! This is real! Everybody look normal. Okay?

Since ever.

Since none of us are songwriters,

Sit down, Jimmy!

So much bullshit.

So that everybody can sing along. (WOMAN SQUEALS)

So you're talking three, four...

So, are you still the hopeless romantic?

So, Bic, uh, where are you from originally?

So, don't sweat the morality of what you're doing.

So, Doug, when was the last time

So, Edmundo sent you to come find the Oracle.

So, ese, why did you bring him here?

So, Father...

So, Father...

So, I get to thinking, What's the worst that can happen?

So, I grab the microphone and I just get to talking about

So, I lied about having a bunch of friends.

So, I suppose I shouldn't pry into

So, I went out and had it remade.

So, I'm going to need you to stop crying like a little girl,

So, I'm not alone?

So, I've gotta go.

So, listen, if you opt against

So, please bear with me.

So, that's kind of it.

So, uh, let's just go and knock this thing out, man.

So, we moved around all the time.

So, we were thinking maybe the field's a little too muddy today.

So, what did you tell your fiancée?

So, what he decided to do was flame it up a little bit.

So, what the hell do we do now?

So, who are you really?

So, you know, as I'm getting dressed,

So... Oh.

Social or family? Social.

Sock on put.

Some extra ass on the flight, aren't you?

Some of them even called me Pupil Jew Jew.

Some of them even did awful

Some people are called on to serve God.

Some people are just loners.

Somebody call the firemen

Somebody help me! I'm not Doug Harris! (GROANS)

Somebody send up the peanut butter!

Somebody!

Sorry. I didn't know it was that hot, guys.

Specifically, which random words should I use?

SPF 60, how are you, brother?

Stairs or elevators? Never mind. Forget it.

Start the machine! Ready!

Staunch Republican. Got it.

Stay where you are. I mean it. I'll let go.

Stick a finger in his ass!

Stop being a pussy. Let's dance.

Stop hugging strangers.

Stop it, man. Stop it, man.

Stop it. Stop. Of course, she loves you.

Stop wasting time feeling sorry for yourself,

Stop!

Stop. There's no such thing as a mutual decision until after you're married.

Stop. We specifically asked for monologues. We don't want any scenes.

Stop. You look at me now and tell me that you don't want back in.

Strap on a pair,

Stuart may have gone to that big Shabbat in the sky,

Suck it! Suck it!

Sure.

Sure. Thank you, man.

Sweetie, it's LA. It's not like it's going to rain.

Ta da.

Tahiti?

Take care of them bags under your eyes.

Take Douglas Ephraim Ben Lazar Menahem Harris

Take Gretchen Palmer

Take it. Take the gun. I don't want this motherfucker, man.

Tell me why I'm from North Dakota.

Tenderfoot? Oh, Douglas was quite the halfback back in college.

Thank you so much, bud.

Thank you.

Thank you. (PEOPLE CHEERING)

Thank you. Hey, Grandma... What the...

Thank you. I wish I could say the same for you.

Thank you. Thank you so much.

Thanks for having me out again, Jimmy.

Thanks for the dance. No problem.

Thanks, Doug, you fucking asshole.

Thanks, Jimmy. I've got it from here.

That Andrew is the luckiest guy in the world.

That has been disconnected,

That is not fair.

That it's an honor to be here.

That just burns!

That means I'm smart. Shit. Where am I from?

That means that we've got one week to pull off the first ever

That means there were 2.4 million grooms.

That means we're not talking about

That number has dropped from three to two since 1985.

That old motherfucker is fast as shit.

That says everything is going to be okay.

That smile got a whole lot brighter.

That sounds right.

That the true measure of friendship isn't...

That this Gina Baker

That was a really shitty thing to do.

That was so unnecessary.

That was the greatest night of my entire life.

That was your ex, Steve.

That wasn't me.

That we did have a little bit of a scandal

That will work.

That would be Bic Mitchum. Where am I from?

That you and Bic saw each other?

That you and I haven't discussed,

That you can't learn in a classroom.

That you use Bic razors and Mitchum deodorant,

That. He wasn't like that until you showed up.

That's a laugh. Hey, we should try to do a Golden Tux.

That's a rum and Coke. That's your favorite, right?

That's a service dog, man.

That's all I needed to know.

That's amazing!

That's by Joe Cooker. Thanks.

That's fine. Thank you. Okay. So, I guess that's it.

That's it? Why are you marrying her? Why are you in love with her?

That's mine.

That's my girl.

That's not how this story ends.

That's perfectly normal for a woman at this stage, Doug.

That's pretty good. I've never heard that one. Now, that's a good one.

That's Principal Mitchell Rambis from Utah.

That's so sweet.

That's the day that I became The Wedding Ringer.

That's the day that this wedding hustle was born.

That's the Doug that I know.

That's the end of the song. Ch, thank God.

That's the strangest looking group

That's used to a certain kind of lifestyle,

That's what I need, Doug.

That's when I knew I was born to work on feet.

That's where I'm your best man,

That's why you're going up there. God is a winner.

That's your... (GRUNTS)

The ball in your hands, but I do know this.

The bride's brother,

The crowd is just waiting to hear it.

The doctor said you'll be okay, though.

The first time we made love.

The girl's pearl earring was.

The groomsmen are accosting my bridesmaids,

The guy's getting married in a week

The guy's wedding party consisted of me,

The hospital's right around the corner, okay?

The meaning of kitchen cabinets then, either.

The new salad dressing tasting to tomorrow.

The ones that looked like Altoids? Yes! Did you take one?

The only thing they've got in this place is Cinnabon.

The perfect wedding. Really.

The phony Facebook friends here.

The Russian mushroom bisque,

The secret military codes. Mmm hmm.

The truth is always the best.

The whole class went.

The zipper on my $8,000 dress is broken,

Then I go back to living what turns out

Then why did you take it? Because it looked like an Altoid.

Then you're talking about a Bronze Bow Tie.

Then, he says, Can you be my best man?

There being no such thing as 'the one'?

There has just been some questionable behavior

There is one other thing.

There was nothing else that popped into your head?

There was this one thing I wanted to reference.

There's also a name for a horse with a horn on its head.

There's no contact after final payment.

There's no need to rub it in their faces.

There's none of that there.

These are the three basic questions

These bags here contain your suits

These guys cannot be my groomsmen.

These old sons of bitches. (ALL AGREEING)

These were tears of joy.

They don't share their private, deep emotional feelings

They just caught us off guard.

They just haven't responded yet.

They revived him in the ambulance, and then, he died later.

They'll think I'm a homosexual.

They're called Army chaplains.

They're called Army chaplains.

They're going to want to know why she's the one.

They're not losers. They're just guys.

They're the best of what I had to choose from.

They've been together for some time now. Nothing's going to happen.

This could have easily waited.

This is a lot. You're talking about a whole family.

This is going to be the best honeymoon ever! (ALL CHEERING)

This is one of the few times that

This is Sean John, bitch!

This is so fucked up on so many levels.

This is so great. Bring him to lunch with you.

This is strictly a business relationship.

This is the running of the balls!

This is to happily ever after.

This is to the groom,

This is what you have to understand, Doug.

This last shot is actually my favorite.

This man comes up to me and goes, Wow.

This one in particular looks like

This story about five times.

This vegan life isn't for me.

This was a historic guy trip with my closest friend.

This would showcase my talent. Thank you.

This? No, it's a service dog.

Thought what? I thought we maybe hit it off, right?

Three months from now, he'll get killed in a tragic: grenade accident

Three out of seven of your groomsmen are Hall of Famers.

Three, four, six, seven months ago. ...six, seven years ago.

Through sickness and health,

Through sickness and health, till death do you part?

Through sickness and health, till death do you part?

Till death do you part?

Time for the first dance. Yes, it is.

To be speaking at his funeral so soon.

To be your lawfully wedded husband,

To be your lawfully wedded wife,

To change someone's life.

To come out and have a burrito with me?

To fake a stomach cramp and run away. How did we meet?

To get all soft eyed over a client.

To have and to hold,

To have and to hold,

To have somebody looking out for me.

To have somebody talk like that about me at my wedding.

To her head, chest, back, neck, and breasts,

To lose 4.2 pounds before the wedding.

To make sure that our wedding night is perfect.

To my drug use. I was on everything.

To our song, You Are So Beautiful.

To pull off the first ever Golden Tux.

To the silver tulle tussie mussie,

To toast our buddy.

To your first guy trip.

To your loser friends.

Trés Beau tussie mussie is fabulous.

True love? (SCOFFS)

Truth be told, uh, you're the first person I thought of.

Try the Roquefort Buttermilk.

Twelve years of dance lessons.

Twenty bucks says they wrote a song.

Two guitars, one drum set, and I'll be singing.

Ugh. Can you believe this zipper already broke? Okay, I'm coming.

Uh, Bic must have gone a different way.

Uh, but you see, Bic's still in El Salvador.

Uh, El Salvador.

Uh, freshman year, Stanford.

Uh, in the military.

Uh, listen, I may be partial here,

Uh, maybe a little. A little?

Uh, no, it's actually on the opposite side of Bismarck.

Uh, well...

Uh, would you guys mind going to look for Bic?

Uh, you know, when Chris...

Uh...

Uh...

Uh... (CLEARS THROAT)

Um, I prepared the scene from Titanic

Um, I'm sorry. Doug who?

Um, what exactly do you do?

Um...

Understand something. This has never been done, gentlemen.

Unless you are planning to run,

Until Doug told me the story of Plunkett.

Until last December.

Until your dad and his friends

Until your dad and his friends

Up to a point.

Use your fucking head.

Wait, wait, wait. What?

Wait, what did you say?

Wait, what?

Wait. You speak English?

Was a farce created by musicians and Hollywood.

Was the luckiest girl in the world.

Way to keep it together, buddy.

We can always go into a more rustic theme

We can get all the ancillary particulars later on.

We decided to put together a little slide show

We have 18 hours to prepare for this brunch with the Palmers.

We have so much catching up to do.

We need to get the fuck out of here.

We scrimmaged, the boys.

We sit and listen to each other's problems.

We were both 12, and we used to sneak out together at night

We wouldn't want to see any coronaries.

We'll make you look great, rock your wedding,

We're done.

We're getting married on Saturday.

We're going to have to be on top of our game.

We're in this together, homie.

We're just assigning roles.

We're not married,

We're talking about the friends

We're very excited and, in fact, I'm doubly excited

We've got Dickerson. Yo.

Weddings are for the women.

Welcome to The Best Man Inc.

Well, actually, what? You told them I'm a homosexual, Doug?

Well, because my real brother died.

Well, do you want to see? Boom. (ZIPPER OPENS)

Well, I mean, she's going to be my wife.

Well, I think you look beautiful just the way you are.

Well, I try.

Well, I wouldn't say hopeless.

Well, if your best friend was named Jemima Colgate,

Well, let's hope he's in LA next week. (SNICKERS)

Well, maybe you're right. But let me ask you this, Jimmy.

Well, no offense, O, but you've been

Well, now.

Well, shake it off. If you knew

Well, to be fair, we were just having fun

Well, uh, actually...

Well, uh, did you prepare anything?

Well, wait a minute, wait a minute.

Well, you know, honey, it's still such a beautiful song.

Well, you've lost that.

Well...

What a delightful surprise.

What about the distractions? Do you have any party tricks?

What about your parents? They in on it?

What are we doing at the high school?

What are you doing, Doug?

What are you doing?

What are you doing? Just, uh, stop.

What are you feeding him? Oh, what are you talking about?

What are you talking about, Garv?

What are your views on gluten?

What can I do for you?

What can I say? I'm a girl

What did they do?

What did you just say? DOUG: Hmm?

What do we do now?

What do we do now?

What do you mean that there's no more candy?

What do you mean? Those are my boys. What's up, man?

What do you say?

What if the truth isn't an option?

What is wrong with you?

What made you decide to go into the military?

What makes her different than any other girl that you ever met?

What the fuck did you just say?

What the fuck does that even mean?

What the fuck was that? ENDO: Was that a cop?

What the fuck, cabrón?

What the fuck, Plunkett? Oh, shit.

What the fuck? I'm in a wheelchair!

What the hell is Father McNulty doing here?

What the hell were you thinking? She cornered me.

What the old lady says behind your back,

What was that? Shit!

What would you say, Doug?

What years? 20.

What you have to understand is that the Lord works

What you need is a Silver Cuff Link.

What you need to do is keep it down because he did.

What, per se, Doug? Tell me.

What?

What?

What? Bic is flying in tomorrow morning.

What? Honey, you told me you spoke to all the groomsmen.

What? I love her. You know that. What happened?

What? Nothing.

What? That's not our song.

What? Yeah, seriously. Her dad was a client at the firm.

What's 34 times 12? 408.

What's a little white lie in the face of that?

What's going on, Tonto?

What's happening right now? I'm Bic Mitchum.

What's important is that our cover wasn't blown.

What's the problem? What's going on?

What's up? Oh, fuck.

When Chris and I first met, we, um...

When Doug called me and told me that he wanted to propose,

When he wasn't hitting those books,

When I spoke at Stuart's wedding,

When I was accepted into the priesthood,

When you pull, it hurts!

When you said middle, all I saw was Rita Hayworth. (CHUCKLES)

When you were in Rome, you and Bic.

Where did you go to school?

Where I was sucking dick for money.

Where to, boss? Just drive, Otis. Just drive.

Whether it was bowling at regionals. GUESTS: Aw.

Which inspired me to stay.

Which is an exact replica of the 1915 Texan Tussie Mussie.

Which is the same year that you lost your virginity to Jill Abromowitz.

Which is why we're always so miserable,

Which means that from this moment on, we are flawless, gentlemen.

Which means we have 18 hours for a Shotgun Intro.

Which means, yes,

While giving an impromptu sermon on the back of a Humvee.

While I learn to plumb.

Who are these people? What, are you kidding?

Who doesn't have any friends.

Who know where your porn stash is.

Who sent you? The Goose?

Who the hell are those guys? Those are my friends.

Who was found innocent,

Who would be your best man?

Who? (SPITS)

Who's catering this gig? Puck.

Who's officiating? Father O'Brien.

Whoa, whoa! Red light, red light!

Whoa. Are you kidding?

Why are you licking so rapidly?

Why did you say the fucking R word?

Why didn't you say something to me before?

Why don't you get some sleep? I'll see you tomorrow

Why don't you go put some ice on your dick?

Why North Dakota? Do you know anybody in North Dakota?

Why would you even say that?

Why would you say that? ED: Red hot pussy seltzer?

Why, they protesting the marriage?

Wi Wo? We're in, we're out.

Will you just get in the damn car, please? Okay.

With being uncomfortable. Come on.

With each other like women do.

With Father O'Brien.

With the Chilean chili.

Wolfgang? No, Hockey Puck, idiot. 'Yes, Wolfgang.

Women are nurturers.

Wood chuck could chuck wood a if chuck

Would this woman marry this loser?

Wow! That is something to know, there.

Wow. I never knew people like you existed.

Wow. Um, I mean, this is a little bit awkward.

Wrong. We sacrificed Grandma for the sake of the mission.

Yeah, arms up. All right, turn around, girl.

Yeah, but maybe I could request

Yeah, great. No, we don't do that.

Yeah, I took one. What did I tell you?

Yeah, isn't he from Wales?

Yeah, of course I meant it.

Yeah, sure. Um, your wig's a little askew.

Yeah, three balls. Count them.

Yeah, um, I'm looking for Jimmy Callahan.

Yeah, well, maybe next time.

Yeah, well, you saved me, too.

Yeah, why? I've got an idea.

Yeah, you better. I will.

Yeah, you can't invite everyone that you want to.

Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah, brother!

Yeah! Yeah! ED: Touchdown. Seven zip.

Yeah? Hey, there, it's Doug.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. Babe, don't you remember?

Yeah. How did you know that?

Yeah. How did you know that?

Yeah. I have to go pick him up from the airport.

Yeah. I'm a kid doctor.

Yeah. I've always been a bit of a hopeless romantic myself.

Yeah. No kidding, right? God.

Yeah. See, I don't see that on this pamphlet here.

Yeah. Should I follow you...

Yeah. That's right. Yeah, I knew it.

Yeah. Uh, I'll be fightback, babe.

Yeah. What the hell is going on here?

Yeah. When is the bachelor party?

Yeah. Why is his mouth on your genitals?

Yeah. Yeah, intramurals, scrimmage.

Yes, Doug. Thank you so much.

Yes, I am. Can I call you?

Yes, Mr. Palmer, I assure you...

Yes. And if everyone wants to look under your seats,

Yo, what are you doing, man?

Yo, where are the women at?

Yo! Puta madre. I'm coming.

You and Doug went to camp together from 6th grade through 10th.

You aren't kidding! Oh, I'm so excited!

You better or I will fuck you up.

You boys look a little soft.

You can be such an asshole.

You can't have in because you don't

You can't play football without blocking, bitch.

You can't spell Ed without Bitch!

You cannot tell me he's flying in and not

You didn't grow up dreaming of a guy like me.

You do a mean Tom Jones. Now, that part's imperative.

You don't have to...

You don't recognize these guys? No.

You don't remember?

You don't think I want to be a Delta Air Line pilot

You don't think I would ask Alison

You fat idiot?

You follow my lead. You talk as little as you can.

You gave her the old Norton Winchell, huh? I did what now?

You gave me seven names, I brought you back seven groomsmen.

You get a bachelor party, you son of a bitch!

You go get some rest.

You goddamn motherfucking pathetic piece of shit.

You got it? All right, let's go.

You got me there, buddy.

You guys get some rest. We leave for the high school at 0800.

You guys have to understand that I come from

You guys make a beautiful couple.

You have a license, credit cards,

You have a really nice arm, sir.

You have Bismarck here, but once you go around...

You have to know that. Okay.

You hit me in my back.

You just ruined my sister's wedding

You just said it again. This is twice now in two minutes.

You just started thinking that?

You know Bic. Bic Mitchum.

You know I can't make a decision without you.

You know the rules. I do. I just thought that...

You know the tunnel. It's right there.

You know what? Fuck it. Wolverines, brother!

You know what? You nailed it.

You know, as a pair.

You know, I was thinking

You know, last night,

You know, maybe on second thought, you didn't meet Bio because...

You know, my father,

You know, my grandmother once told me

You know, same old same old.

You know, the old timers versus the groomsmen.

You look good, man.

You love women's basketball, you iron your boxers,

You met Dougie at a conference

You never could crack 2.5, Dickerson!

You pay for the Golden Tux,

You perform four nights a week at the Walleye Nook.

You played a pretty shitty game.

You played football, Doug? How come you never told me?

You prefer full moons over sunsets, you're afraid of raccoons,

You promised me a spot on the team.

You ran? Yeah.

You respond with either a compliment or a question.

You said don't take anything that looks like drugs.

You saved me, Jimmy.

You saw Jesus?

You sound like my daughters.

You specialize in environmental law with a focus on forestry.

You still have those two first class tickets for your honeymoon?

You tell them Bic Mitchum said it.

You throw out random words.

You told Gretchen I'm a fucking priest, Doug?

You told them I'm a fucking priest, Doug?

You two better not fuck this up.

You use random words that will distract them

You want to start off with the HW2's.

You went to Harvard Podiatry School? Yeah.

You were the rapist? Finish your bottles!

You would have done it on purpose.

You would want to be my best man.

You'll crush ass. Seven bridesmaids. Biltmore.

You'll crush ass. Seven bridesmaids. Biltmore.

You're a great kid, but unfortunately, a deal is a deal.

You're a podiatrist? I'm a podiatrist.

You're a principal in Utah. Why the fuck would you have a Cockney accent?

You're a vegan.

You're actually going to hear me be honest.

You're against the designated hitter, believe in life after death,

You're anybody's best friend for a price, but nobody's when it counts.

You're asking me to pull off a Golden Tux.

You're being disrespectful. Sing the fucking song.

You're confusing me a lot right now.

You're far sighted and you're near sighted, you supinate,

You're from North Dakota.

You're hiring a best man. Got it.

You're in the military. That a boy. See, now you're thinking.

You're looking at the best of the best. Not the best of the best.

You're looking at your groomsmen. Come on, man.

You're losing weight, fat ass.

You're never going to believe this, Gretch,

You're not a bitch!

You're not going to find anybody better.

You're not helping me. You have to dig deep.

You're not supposed to enjoy yourself, Doug.

You're on first. You're more on.

You're on from God.

You're on.

You're onner.

You're serious?

You're so mean!

You're talking about unchartered territory.

You're telling me this now?

You're, um, very handsome. Thank you, Doug.

You've become jaded with all your rules.

You've but O offense no well yeah.

You've never been on a guy trip, Doug?

Your father in law has no respect for you. OTIS: Show him you're a man.

Your knight is out there somewhere. Go find him.

2.4 million. Four million.

6'3.

200 unsuspecting guests

...dying to finally meet this guy.

...go...

(ALL CHEERING)

(ALL CHEERING)

(ALL CHEERING)

(ALL CHEERING)

(ALL CHEERING)

(ALL CHEERING)

(ALL GASPING) (GASPS)

(ALL GREETING) JIMMY: Look who I have? Dougie Doug Doug!

(ALL GROANING)

(ALL GROANING) No, don't, please.

(ALL GRUNTING)

(ALL GRUNTING) Hut! Let's go, Doug!

(ALL LAUGHING)

(ALL LAUGHING)

(ALL LAUGHING)

(ALL LAUGHING)

(ALL LAUGHING) Well, it's not funny.

(ALL SCREAMING)

(ALL SCREAMING)

(ALL SCREAMING)

(ALL SCREAMING)

(ALL SCREAMING) (TIRES SQUEALING)

(ALL SNORING)

(ALL YELLING)

(APPLAUSE)

(APPLAUSE) (WOMAN WHOOPING)

(AS GROOM) It's a trick I learned in Vietnam.

(BAND PLAYING TANGO MUSIC)

(BEATBOXING)

(BLOWING) (ALL EXCLAIMING)

(BODY THUDS) REGGIE: Oh, shit!

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(CAMERA CLICKING)

(CAMERA CLICKING)

(CAMERA CLICKS)

(CAR HORNS HONKING)

(CARS HONKING)

(CHEERING CONTINUES)

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

(CHUCKLES)

(CHUCKLES)

(CHUCKLES)

(CHUCKLES)

(CHUCKLES)

(CHUCKLES)

(CHUCKLES) All right, I'll see you at the rehearsal dinner.

(CHUCKLES) I'll say nice things at your funeral, too.

(CHUCKLES) Uh...

(CLATTERS) Oops.

(CLEARS THROAT)

(CLICKS TONGUE)

(CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY)

(CROWD LAUGHING) I ain't lying.

(CRYING)

(CRYING) It was you.

(DIALING PHONE)

(DOG BARKS) (FLESH SQUELCHES)

(DOG SNARLING)

(DOOR BUZZING)

(DOOR OPENS)

(DOUG MOANING)

(DOUG SCREAMING)

(DOUG STAMMERING)

(ED GRUNTING)

(EXHALES)

(EXHALES)

(EXHALES) Oh, God.

(EXHALES) We were this close, Doug.

(FEEDBACK SQUEALS) Okay. One, two...

(FEEDBACK) (GLASS CLINKING)

(GAGS)

(GAGS) (GUESTS MURMURING)

(GASPS) ♪

(GASPS) Oh, my God.

(GASPS) Right? Right. Yeah.

(GASPS) You like that, don't you?

(GIGGLING)

(GLASS SHATTERING)

(GROANING)

(GROANING)

(GROANING)

(GROANING) Go, go, go!

(GROANING) Oh!

(GROANS) (LAUGHING)

(GROANS) Don't worry about Lou.

(GROANS) I'm kind of numb.

(GROANS) There's only a week left

(GROOMSMEN CHEERING)

(GRUNTING)

(GRUNTING) DOUG: Help me! No!

(GRUNTING) Oh, God!

(GRUNTS) (SHOULDER DISLOCATES)

(GRUNTS) (STRAINING)

(GUESTS CHEERING)

(GUESTS CHEERING)

(GUESTS EXCLAIMING)

(GUESTS GASPING)

(GUESTS LAUGHING) You may now kiss the bride.

(GUESTS MURMURING)

(GUESTS WHISTLING AND CHEERING)

(GUNSHOT) (ALL GASP)

(HEART BEATING)

(HIGH PITCHED LAUGHING)

(HIGH PITCHED) ♪ You put the weed in the coconut

(IN HIGH PITCHED VOICE) ♪ You put the weed in the coconut

(INDISTINCT TALKING)

(INHALES) My friends are all gonna be there.

(JIMMY READING)

(KNUCKLES CRACKING)

(LAUGHING)

(LAUGHING)

(LAUGHING)

(LAUGHING)

(LAUGHING)

(LAUGHING)

(LAUGHING)

(LAUGHING)

(LAUGHING)

(LAUGHING) (GUESTS LAUGHING)

(LAUGHING) And he thanketh...

(LAUGHING) Oh!

(LAUGHING) Why?

(LAUGHING) You should count your blessings.

(LAUGHS) Oh, of course, man.

(LAUGHS) We had, like, 400 guests.

(LINE BEEPS)

(MACHINE BEEPING)

(MARCI YELLING INDISTINCTLY)

(OLDER PLAYER SCREAMING)

(ORGAN PLAYING WAGNER'S BRIDAL CHORUS)

(ORGAN PLAYING)

(OVERLAPPING CHATTER) Ow!

(PEOPLE CHEERING)

(PHONE RINGING)

(ROMANTIC SONG PLAYING)

(SCOFFS) Honey, of course it is.

(SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING) (ALL GASP)

(SCREAMING) (ALL GASP)

(SCREAMING) GRETCHEN: I am...

(SCREAMING) What the fuck?

(sesame)

(SETH CHUCKLES WEAKLY)

(SHOULDER DISLOCATES) Oh!

(SHUSHING) You smell so sweet.

(SIGHS)

(SIGHS) Doug here is a real keeper.

(SIGHS) NAS, Doug.

(SINGING HEBREW PRAYER)

(SLAPS) Oh.

(SOFTLY) Is he serious?

(SOFTLY) Yay.

(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

(SQUEALS) Voted the number one

(STAMMERS) Can we do that, maybe?

(STAMMERS) No, I don't know that that's... He can't...

(STAMMERS) Okay.

(STAMMERS) See, I sent them an email,

(STUTTERING) of soap operas.

(STUTTERS)

(STUTTERS) good looks.

(SWING MUSIC PLAYING)

(TIRES SQUEALING)

(WHISPERING) Gretchen, calm down.

(WHISPERING) Shh. Calm down. Calm down.

(WHISPERING) You bastard.

(WHISPERS) Let's get him out of here.

(WHISPERS) Please don't throw me the ball.

(WHOOPING) ♪ You're gonna help me back up again

(WHOOPS)

(YELLING)

(YELLING)

(YELLING) (CAMERA CLICKS)

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪ ...me

♪ 'Cause he gonna rock when my stone hit him

♪ 'Cause I gotta feeling ♪

♪ 'Cause I know you're willing

♪ (ALL CHEERING)

♪ (DOOR OPENING)

♪ (DOOR OPENING)

♪ All my women love me

♪ All my... All my women love me

♪ And do it, and do it

♪ And I can't wait to finally explode

♪ And I I I I

♪ And I I I I

♪ And I'm feeling

♪ And light that shit up

♪ And light that shit up

♪ And light that shit up

♪ And light that shit up

♪ And party and bullshit

♪ And party and bullshit

♪ And party and bullshit And party and bullshit

♪ And party and bullshit And party and bullshit

♪ And something borrowed

♪ And then we'll do it again

♪ And you light that shit up ♪

♪ And you you you you

♪ And you you you you

♪ Baton twirling ♪

♪ Brand Nubian shit beatin' down punks!

♪ Bum bum

♪ Bum bum ♪ When you wear something blue

♪ Bum bum, da da a

♪ But can you groove the way I groove?

♪ But can you groove the way I groove?

♪ But, girl, I wanna know if you can move like this

♪ But, girl, I wanna know if you can move like this

♪ By handsome Steve

♪ Can you do this? ♪ Can you do this, lady?

♪ Can you do this? ♪ Can you move like I do?

♪ Can you do this? ♪ Can you shake, shake it, mama?

♪ Can you do this? ♪ Yeah, I can do that

♪ Can you do this? ♪ Yeah, I can do that

♪ Can you do this? ♪ Yeah, I can do that

♪ Can you do this? ♪ Yeah, I can do that

♪ Can you do this? ♪ Yeah, I can do that

♪ Can you do this? ♪ Yeah, I can do that

♪ Can you do this? ♪ Yeah, I can do that

♪ Can you do this? ♪ Yeah, I can do that

♪ Can you do this? ♪ Yeah, I can do that

♪ Cock it back

♪ Combustible

♪ Did you come to dance at all?

♪ Do you remember?

♪ Don't worry about me I'm gonna make it all right

♪ Easy come Easy go

♪ Even if I look and act really crazy

♪ Find a stone

♪ Gonna make me fall in love with you

♪ Gonna make me fall in love with you

♪ Got my enemies crossed out in my sight

♪ Grab your shotgun

♪ Grab your slingshot

♪ Gretchen was dumped

♪ He should know that the day is mine

♪ Hey, Baby

♪ Hugs from the honeys Pounds from the roughnecks

♪ I don't wanna lie

♪ I got my money

♪ I gotta feeling

♪ I gotta feeling

♪ I know you think that you can move

♪ I know you think that you can move

♪ I saw the flickering shadows of love on her blind

♪ I think I wanna marry you ♪ (DOOR OPENS)

♪ I think I wanna marry you.

♪ I watched and went out of my mind

♪ I went way down, she betrayed me

♪ I'm gonna take what you're giving

♪ If I fall back down

♪ If I fall back down, you're gonna be my friend ♪

♪ If you believed in me ♪

♪ If you got moves then let me see

♪ If you keep on shaking your hips

♪ In the nighttime I'm camouflage

♪ In this universe inside

♪ It ain't hard to tell I'm the east coast overdoser

♪ It's a beautiful night

♪ It's only a paper moon ♪

♪ Jump off that sofa

♪ Jump off that sofa ♪ Come on

♪ Just say I do

♪ Just take it

♪ La, la, la, la

♪ La, la, la, la

♪ La, la, la, la ♪ Oh.

♪ La, la, la, la, la, la

♪ La, la, la, la, la, la

♪ La, la, la, la, la, la

♪ Let's burn the...

♪ Let's do it, let's do it, do it

♪ Let's get, get off

♪ Let's live it up ♪ Let's live it up

♪ Let's spend it up

♪ Let's spend it up

♪ Like bang, bang, bang Darkness falls

♪ Like boom, boom, boom Let me shine

♪ Like, oh, my God

♪ Maze! tov ♪ L'Chaim

♪ Now can you do this? ♪ Yeah, I can do that

♪ Now can you do this? ♪ Yeah, I can do that

♪ Now I I I I don't know who you are

♪ Now I I I I don't know who you are

♪ Now I sure hope that moon got rhythm

♪ Now I sure hope that the sun got rhythm

♪ Now why are you standing on the wall?

♪ Oh, babe ♪

♪ Oh, babe!

♪ Oh, can you hand jive, baby?

♪ Oh, yeah

♪ Oh, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Party and bullshit And party and bullshit

♪ Party and bullshit And party and bullshit

♪ Rock it, don't stop

♪ Said he had beef, asked me if I had my piece

♪ Seen my man Sei that I knew from the projects

♪ She was my woman

♪ She's not the one coming back for you

♪ She's not the one coming back for you

♪ Shoot the moon until the night is gone

♪ Shoot the sun until the sky is black

♪ Sure do I'm a bad boy

♪ Teach me how to dougie

♪ Teach me how to dougie

♪ Teach me, teach me how to dougie

♪ Teach me, teach me how to dougie ♪

♪ Tell me right now, baby

♪ That tonight's gonna be a good night

♪ That tonight's gonna be a good night

♪ That tonight's gonna be a good night

♪ That tonight's gonna be a good, good night

♪ That tonight's gonna be a good, good night

♪ The big, big bang

♪ The big, big bang

♪ The big, big bang

♪ The reason I'm alive

♪ The reason I'm alive

♪ They stood by me when she flew

♪ To me

♪ To me

♪ Tonight's the night ♪ Hey!

♪ We'll just hit up the Supper Club And make some mistakes

♪ We'll Shut it down

♪ When all the stars collide

♪ Whoo hoo

♪ Whoo hoo

♪ Whoo! Now can you hand jive, baby?

♪ Why, why... ♪

♪ You ain't messing with my dougie

♪ You are so beautiful

♪ You are so beautiful

♪ You put the weed in the coconut

♪ You put the weed in the coconut

♪ You put the weed in the coconut

♪ You put the weed in the coconut

♪ You put the weed in the coconut

♪ You put the weed in the coconut ♪

♪ You put the weed in the coconut And light that shit up

♪ You put the weed in the coconut And light that shit up

♪ You put the weed in the coconut And light that shit up

♪ You're everything I hoped for

♪ You're everything I need

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪ (APPLAUSE)

♪♪>

♪♪>

$40 says it's The Carpenters. You're on.