Dumb & Dumber (1994) Edit

A few baseball cards, a sack of marbles...

A little tense about the flight?

A motorist saw a pooch about 30 miles back headed this way.

A place where the beer flows like wine.

A schoolboy who desperately wants to make sweet, sweet love to you.

A tad?

After all, the snow's gonna be gone in a couple of weeks...

After all, the snow's gonna be gone in a couple of weeks...

Ah.

All I saw was one bag and a briefcase.

All right, if that's what he wants.

All we gotta do is show a little class, a little sophistication...

Alpine Drive?

Although at the time he wasn't sure he wanted to accept the gift.

And all this time I've been going through such pain and personal anguish.

And another one of those.

And I stand by my performance.

And I'll tell you something else.

And next, we'll be back in a minute...

And no one's ever gonna break us apart.

And now, no? Now... Wait a minute. Wait.

And of course, Prince Charles and Di when they were together...

And of course, Prince Charles and Di when they were together...

And we already got the tuxes.

And you're a horrible shot.

Any word yet, sir?

Anybody can make a mistake.

Anything else before I leave the area?

Anyway, yeah, about my friend... What are you doing tomorrow?

Anyway...

Are you okay, man? It was just a goof.

Are you sure you went to the right bar?

Aren't you gonna invite me in?

Aspen it is.

At Pacific Bell, we believe that's pretty special.

Austria?

Austria.

Be right out.

Be strong.

Beautiful outfit, sir.

Because you're a regular guy.

Big place?

Both of them?

Briefcase ain't here. He must have taken it with him.

But he blamed me.

But most of all...

But wait, but you... We're supposed to talk about all expenditures, Lloyd.

But what if he shot you in the face?

But why don't we make it quarter to 8?

Bye.

Can I have a vegetarian meal?

Can't be too careful.

Can't you just feel it, Harry?

Cannot. Triple stamped it. No erasies. Touch blue, make it true.

Check, please.

Come here.

Come on, flush, you bastard.

Come on, Harry.

Come on, hurry, hurry, hurry. Come on, come on.

Come on, Joe. Let me do them. Let me do both of them.

Come on, shoot me.

Come on.

Come on.

Come on. Come on, come on.

Come on. Give me that booze, you little pumpkin pie haircutted freak.

Come on. Let's go get bowls of loudmouth soup.

Coming through.

Cool.

Could I have some pistachios, please?

Cripes.

Did you get a gun?

Did you get a make on the vehicle?

Did you pay the gas bill?

Do what he says.

Do you know where she lives?

Do you realize what you've done?

Do you think?

Dogs, to the layperson.

Don't do anything foolish, Harry.

Don't tell me to shut up, woman.

Don't worry about a thing, Mrs. Neugyburger.

Don't worry, we'll catch our break too.

Don't worry.

Don't worry. They ain't gonna be running around nowhere...

Don't you ever say that again.

Eeny, meeny, miney, Moe!

Enjoy your meal, guys.

Excuse me, but you... You're spraying everywhere.

Excuse me, Flo?

Excuse me, gentlemen. This is a $500 a plate dinner. Good night.

Excuse me, gunman.

Excuse me, guys.

Excuse me, little old lady.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Excuse me. Could you tell me how to get to the medical school?

Extra gloves?

Feels good to mingle with these laid back country folk, don't it, Har?

Felcher?

Fellas...

Find a happy place.

First time I set eyes on Mary Swanson...

First, Mary dumps us, then the cops take our nest egg...

Flo, like the TV show.

Flying somewhere?

For God's sakes just give me the damn number!

Fraida Felcher.

Fraida told me the whole sleazy story, Mr. French Tickler.

From Cranston?

Gas Man.

Get a move on it.

Get her.

Get off the pho...

Get off the phone.

Get out of here. I'm... I've...

Go ahead and add it up. Every Cent's accounted for.

Go around now. Go around.

God, it feels so good to get up here.

Good plan. Where does she live?

Good.

Goodbye, my love

Got a little nippy going through the pass, huh, Har?

Got room for one more if you still wanna go to Aspen.

Guys! Enough!

Guys! Guys! Guys!

Happy now?

Harry, I'm sorry, but something important has come up and I've got to run out.

Harry, what are you doing in there?

Harry, why haven't you dropped those dogs off at the show yet?

Harry, you got that crazy look in your eye.

Harry!

Harry?

Harry? Are you in there?

Harry.

Harry. Look.

Harry. Wait up.

Harry...

He's dead.

He's got a gun!

He's kindest, gentlest man I've ever met. Will you meet him?

Helen, you're embarrassing me.

Helen, you're embarrassing me.

Hello.

Hello. How are you?

Here, here.

Here, it's a little loose. You might wanna...

Here, Lloyd. This helps. Here.

Here, put us down for... Put us down for four.

Here. Here you go. Here you go. Here you go.

Here's your drink, baby.

Here's your happy place.

Hey, guys.

Hey, guys. Oh, Big Gulps, huh? All right.

Hey, Harry, I got some beef jerk...

Hey, Harry, old buddy, old pal.

Hey, Harry. You never called.

Hey, hey, hey.

Hey, hey, hey. Here they come.

Hey, I have it at my hotel room.

Hey, look, we're almost in Colorado.

Hey, man. What's that?

Hey, maybe it was a coincidence.

Hey, maybe it was a coincidence.

Hey, watch it!

Hey, what do I look like?

Hey, where did you get those?

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey! Coming!

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey. Who? But... Huh?

Hey. Why don't we get busy and deliver the briefcase to Mary.

Hi, Harry Dunne. Pleasure to meet you both.

Hi, Petey.

Hi, the door's open. Come on upstairs.

Hi, y'all.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi. Make yourself at home. I'm almost ready. One minute?

His head fell off?

His head fell off.

Hold that.

Home. I'm walking home.

How about a hug?

How come I didn't get a gun?

How come you didn't bring her over?

How could anybody whack a bird with a cork?

How could they not have gotten the ransom?

How nice for you. Don't forget that your bread plate is on the left.

How the hell do they know that I got gas?

How was your day?

How you doing?

Huh?

Hurry, I'm pitching it.

Hurry.

Husband?

I bet I can get you gambling before the end of the day.

I bought them when we filled up.

I brought you your briefcase.

I came a long way just to see you, Mary. Just...

I can get 70 miles to the gallon on this hog.

I can't believe this, Lloyd.

I can't believe we drove around all day and there's not a single job in this town.

I can't feel my fingers anymore, Lloyd.

I can't stop going once I've started. It stings.

I couldn't possibly accept that.

I desperately wanna make love to a schoolboy.

I didn't even see it coming.

I didn't really have a lot to do, you know...

I don't bet.

I don't have the energy to start a new state.

I don't know about you, but I am getting sick and tired...

I don't know how, but I'm gonna get you.

I don't know, Lloyd, this place doesn't really do it for me.

I don't know, Lloyd. The French are assholes.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know. Let me look it up.

I don't know...

I don't think he's gonna get that message, Joe.

I don't think we should do anything out of the ordinary.

I drove her to the airport, sparks flew, emotions ran high.

I drove you to the airport last week.

I got a confession to make.

I got robbed by a sweet old lady on a motorized cart.

I Got Worms.

I Got Worms. We're gonna specialize in selling worm farms.

I got... I gotta stop and go to the bathroom.

I gotta introduce you to a buddy of mine.

I had plans. I had things I wanted to do.

I hate goodbyes.

I hate when women do that, you know?

I have this cousin... Well, I had this cousin. He's like, pbbt.

I haven't been outside that much in the last couple of weeks.

I hope you're not using the toilet. It's broken.

I just figured she was a raging alcoholic.

I just had an idea.

I just thought he was real quiet.

I just thought when, you know, you'd be off making your love connection...

I just want to apologize for that unpleasant scene a little earlier.

I knew it started with an S, though.

I know this isn't the best time, but when you get a chance to pull over...

I know this may seem a little sudden but I've given it a lot of thought.

I left the money exactly where they instructed me to.

I like it a lot.

I love dogs too.

I mean, I remember you...

I mean, if one beautiful girl can rip us apart like this...

I mean, the guy's got worms in his living room.

I mean, we killed their bird. Now they killed one of ours.

I mean, you know. Who knows?

I mean, you never know what they might do to him then.

I owe you both a debt of gratitude.

I promise not to mention another word...

I read you.

I said to myself, Run, Beth. Run for your life before this man kills you both.

I said, this is my husband, Bobby.

I sold some stuff to Billy in 4C.

I spent my life savings turning my van into a dog.

I swallowed a big June bug when we were driving. I'm not really hungry.

I think they're a little bit strange.

I think you kids will have a wonderful time. What do you say?

I think you're wrong, Lloyd.

I thought I heard you talking to someone.

I thought maybe it was fast.

I thought we were gonna be together forever, and then...

I told you already I'm on it. All right?

I wanna know who they are. What they're doing with it.

I want you to get up here, lie down on the front seat.

I was the one that got you into this whole mess.

I was wondering when you were gonna get up.

I won.

I'd like to eat her liver...

I'd say a good five hours.

I'd say...

I'd show you what a real man can do.

I'll be in the kitchen whenever you're ready.

I'll be right back. Don't you go dying on me.

I'll do it if you Will, Lloyd.

I'll have the waitress bring it over immediately.

I'll show you a happy place.

I'll tell you where.

I'm a limo driver.

I'm crazy about you.

I'm done, okay. Enough.

I'm gargling.

I'm glad we were able to help her out.

I'm going to kill you.

I'm gonna do something I should have done a long time ago.

I'm gonna give you my number.

I'm gonna go to the store.

I'm gonna hang by the bar...

I'm gonna kill you. I'm gonna kill you, Lloyd.

I'm gonna see to that.

I'm gonna tell you. He came home one night dead drunk...

I'm gonna toss this damn curse right into that damn pond.

I'm home.

I'm Maw Swanson.

I'm meeting someone here.

I'm not seeing it here, Lloyd.

I'm only human, Harry.

I'm pretty sure.

I'm ready for commitment, Harry.

I'm sick and tired of being a nobody.

I'm sick and tired of having to eke my way through life.

I'm so happy for you.

I'm sorry, Mr. Andre, you were saying?

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I say we bail.

I'm supposed to be doing a lecture in 20 minutes, and my driver's a bit lost.

I'm talking about a little place called Aspen.

I'm the rightful owner of that briefcase that you've been carrying around.

I've been giving this a lot of thought.

I've been looking for you, Mary. I have some news about your husband.

I've got a thing of thing... Here, got them right here. Right here.

I've gotta get away from my boyfriend. He's such a klutz.

I've gotta tell you, today was just what I needed.

I've never felt this way about anybody.

I've really got to go. I promise we'll do this again sometime.

If I know her as well as I think I do, she'll invite us in for tea and strumpets.

If it ain't my old friend.

If the press or the authorities get wind of this, the kidnappers may panic.

If you had a nice set of knockers.

International Preservationists Society tomorrow night.

Isn't this incredible?

It brings back a lot of memories.

It doesn't make any sense, Lloyd. She told me 10:00 sharp.

It feels like you're running at an incredible rate, Harry.

It just doesn't make sense.

It just doesn't seem like you packed much.

It starts with an S.

It was a good one.

It was a message, Shay, pure and simple.

It was my pleasure, Mary.

It will only hurt for a moment, like a Band Aid.

It works good.

It's 1.

It's a love memento.

It's a shagging wagon.

It's okay.

It's sort of an emergency. I'll explain later.

It's the soup of the day.

It's them.

Jeez, look at the butt on that.

Jesus Christ.

Judging moved to 3 p.m., ring 1.

Just a couple hours.

Just calm down.

Just give me a minute, Mary. I'll be right with you.

Just go.

Just gotta keep our eyes open.

Just let it out. Have a good cry. Come on.

Keep a close eye.

Keep an eye on them, Shay.

Keep your shirt on. I gotta squeeze a lemon.

Kick his ass, Sea Bass.

Kind of catchy, huh, Har?

Kiss it? You kiss mine. Both cheeks, both lips, right here.

Ladies and gentlemen, your attention, please.

Ladies and gentlemen...

Last but not least, footlong.

Let go! Help! Help!

Let me get this straight.

Let's put another shrimp on the barbie.

Let's see, next we got roast beef Au jus.

Let's see. I know I have one in here somewhere.

License and registration, please.

Life's a fragile thing, Har.

Like in a head on crash or flying off a cliff or getting trapped under a gas truck.

Listen to me. I feel like a schoolboy again.

Listen, Mr. Samsonite, about the briefcase.

Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?

Lloyd, right?

Lloyd, there's people who want a ride too.

Lloyd, what are you doing?

Lloyd, what are you doing? Would you calm down? I've never seen you so nervous.

Lloyd, you okay?

Lloyd!

Lloyd?

Lobby bar in the lobby.

Lobby bar, right in the lobby.

Look familiar?

Look, I can't have these guys running around Aspen.

Look, I told you what happened, so just drop it.

Look, just tell it to me. I got a really good memory.

Look, Mental, these jokers have got a lot of money and it belongs to me.

Look, we've gotta have a serious talk.

Look.

Look. Look.

Lot of bad drivers out there.

Ma'am.

Make it four boilermakers.

Man, I would have to be a lowlife...

Man, you are one pathetic loser.

Mary and I went skiing, we made a snowman, she touched my leg.

Mary Christmas.

Mary is looking for someone to hit the slopes with.

Mary is looking for someone to hit the slopes with.

Mary Swanson?

Mary Swanson.

Mary!

Maybe once you get to know her, you'll find out that she's not your type.

Maybe she just had a change of heart.

Maybe we could, you know, meet up, have some hot chocolate or something.

Maybe we should cancel the preservation benefit. It'll be so easy to re schedule.

Maybe we should trash the place, send him a little message.

Maybe you should wear these extra gloves.

Me a backstabber? You got a lot of nerve.

Me too.

Me, being that, for the phone, sir...

Me? Oh, no. Well, I used to have a parakeet...

Mm. California. Beautiful.

Mm. Mm mm.

Mm. That sounds good. I'll have that.

Move it or lose it, sister.

Mr. Andre, guess who we just happened upon. Yeah. Yeah.

Mr. Dan Richard, please pick up the white courtesy phone.

Mr. Dan Richard, please pick up the white courtesy phone.

Mr. Dunne, thank you very much. We couldn't have done it without you.

Mrs. Mary Christmas.

My car died and I'm late for a luncheon.

My dogs were supposed to be here 40 minutes ago.

My friend Harry and I are saving up our money to open our own pet store.

My friend Harry and I have every intention of fully reimbursing you.

My God.

My hands are starting to get sweaty.

My name is Mary Swanson.

My ulcer.

Name's Christmas, Lloyd Christmas.

Never did find out who.

New Jersey?

Nice going, buddy.

Nice set of hooters you got there.

Nicholas, my family trusted you.

Nicholas. What are you doing here?

No doubt about it.

No humping, no pushing, no sniffing heinies.

No parking.

No parking.

No way.

No way.

No, and I don't care.

No, come on in.

No, I was able to raise 25 extra bucks before we left.

No, I was just shaving.

No, I'm cool.

No, I've...

No, it's a cardigan, but thanks for noticing.

No, mostly just doggie style.

No, no, the briefcase isn't even ours. Some lady left it at the airport.

No, stay.

No, these aren't tights, Lloyd.

No, this place is ugly anyway. You and me, we're family.

No, wait.

No, you go ahead.

No.

No.

No. I say we stay here, we hunt for jobs and we keep saving our money...

No. In the movie...

No. No, no, no, Lloyd.

No. Nothing yet, Nicholas.

No. Uh uh. No. You go first.

No. Yep, yes.

Normally reserved for royalty, visiting dignitaries...

Not after all we've been through.

Not bad. Fell off the Jetway again.

Not if you count the gurgling sound.

Not really.

Not you, dummy.

Now we don't have enough money to get to Aspen.

Now, I hardly have any time to primp them.

Now, if you fellas would excuse me, I gotta use the phone.

Now, we don't even know who the hell they are.

Now, which one of you losers wants to get it first?

Now.

Of course, everything's been bad since I broke up with my boyfriend.

Oh, 500. Oh, okay. All right, no problem.

Oh, boy. This is living, huh?

Oh, boy. Well, looks like you got your night planned...

Oh, God, that's funny. Oh, that's good stuff.

Oh, God.

Oh, good. You found her. I'll leave you two alone.

Oh, I did. I did. Come here.

Oh, I got a better idea.

Oh, I'm... Anyway, the real reason I came over here was to...

Oh, it makes perfect sense, Mary.

Oh, it was...

Oh, jeez.

Oh, look. Frost.

Oh, man, you gotta be shitting me.

Oh, Mary, I don't believe I've met your friend.

Oh, my God.

Oh, no.

Oh, no. I'm fine. I saved a seat for you.

Oh, no. Listen, this is silly.

Oh, really? Any unusual breeding?

Oh, that pisses me off. That pisses me right off.

Oh, that's the...

Oh, well, actually, we haven't been properly introduced.

Oh, well, pardon me, Mr. Perfect!

Oh, yeah, bitch.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Oh, you are... What? I can't... This... I love you, man.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Okay, 7:45.

Okay, gang. You know the rules.

Okay, here's the plan.

Okay, how do you guys know each other?

Okay, just get the bare essentials. That's the last of our dough.

Okay, kill him.

Okay, Lloyd.

Okay, look, you're gonna get pushy, forget about it.

Okay, okay, okay. Lloyd, just calm down.

Okay, okay, you're kissing me.

Okay, okay.

Okay, that's enough.

Okay, time out. Whatever.

Okay, what time does it...? What time does that leave?

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay. You go first.

On second thought, you might wanna run a comb through them.

One half teaspoon for fast, effective relief.

One minute you're chewing on a burger, the next minute you're dead meat.

Out with the bad air...

Over here.

Passenger Warren Passion, please pick up the white courtesy phone.

Passenger Warren Passion...

Petey didn't even have a head.

Petey?

Pick them up.

Plus my astrologer told me that I really should stay away from accident prone guys.

Polly want a cracker?

Pretty bird.

Pretty bird.

Pretty bird.

Pretty revealing.

Providence. Providence.

Pull over.

Pull your vehicle to the side of the road.

Quick, quick, my pills.

Quick, toss some salt over your right shoulder.

Quit it. We're not through Connecticut...

Quit playing around.

Race you to the top.

Radio?

Really?

Really? That's weird.

Really. And so does Mary. It's hysterical.

Relax, you're golden. I got you a date with her tomorrow.

Relax. We have more than enough.

Remember me?

Saddle up, partner.

Samsonite. I was way off.

Samsonite. I was way off.

Saw it in a movie once.

Say, are you guys going to Davenport?

Say, kids.

Sea Bass and the fellas offered to pick up our check.

Sea Bass said that?

See this? That's a car.

Senior citizens, although slow and dangerous behind the wheel...

Shaving?

She actually talked to me, man.

She gave me crap about me not listening to her enough or something.

She is the love of my life!

She must be unlisted.

She must have meant 10:00 at night.

She wanted to see you again. She told me that.

She was definitely worth the trip.

She what? Huh?

She's an angel.

She's gonna be thrilled to see you.

She's gonna leave the briefcase near the escalator.

She's gonna think I'm a psycho when she finds out how far I came just to see her.

She's running late, huh?

She's something, ain't she, Har?

Sheepdog.

Shit.

Shut up.

Shut up.

Sir, I didn't want to send them to a performance on an empty stomach, sir.

Skis, huh?

So he said, Do you love me? And she says, No...

So I wanna go someplace where we know somebody...

So we backtracked a tad.

So why you going to Aspen? Vacation?

So you'll pick me up tonight at 7:45?

So you're telling me there's a chance.

So, what are we supposed to do now?

Some kid back in town.

Some people just weren't cut out for life on the road.

Somebody should call an ambulance.

Someplace warm.

Something like that.

Special Officer Beth Jordan, FBI.

Spilling the salt is very bad luck.

Split you like an old piece of firewood.

Statistically, you're more likely to get killed on the way to the airport.

Stay down. Stay down.

Stella, beautiful. Bon appétit, Stella.

Still want it?

Stop being a baby.

Stop it.

Stop!

Such hell, for nothing.

Suck me sideways.

Sucked me right in.

Sucking back on grandpa's old cough medicine?

Sure, why not.

Sure. Whatever you think will help your chances.

Sure. You know, I'm heading up to Aspen myself.

Swanson. Will host a newl...

Swim, Swamie, Slippy...

T... T... Tehe... Teh...

Take your... I'm gonna... Swear to God I'm gonna take...

Talk about being in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Tell her I'm rich and I'm good looking and I have a rapist wit.

Ten in the morning.

Thank you again and enjoy your evening.

Thank you, Lloyd.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you both very much.

Thanks a lot, Harry.

Thanks, Barn.

Thanks.

Thanks.

That is so sweet, Lloyd.

That is so weird how your mind goes blank...

That John Denver is full of shit, man.

That tuxedo, it's fabulous.

That was genius, Lloyd. Sheer genius.

That's a risk we were willing to take.

That's as good as money, sir.

That's great.

That's it.

That's not what I meant.

That's the worst.

That's two things, Lloyd.

That's what I have too.

That's why I want you to stay regular.

The Aspen Preservation Society is the world's foremost defender...

The blood in my veins.

The bottle's almost full and I'm still going.

The least you can do is level with me.

The most beautiful woman alive.

The toilet doesn't flush.

The town is back that way.

The white zone is for the immediate loading and unloading of passengers only.

The white zone is for...

Then do you know what the klutz did?

Then when I noticed the airline ticket, I put two and two together.

There is nothing, nada, zip.

There you go, buddy. Yeah, enjoy.

There you go.

There you go.

There's a town about three miles that way. I'm sure you'll find a couple guys there.

There's been some family problems...

There's only one thing that could make this moment any better.

There's our payday.

There's two of them. One of them's got a gun.

These are fashionable Eurotrash ski trousers.

These guys aren't just anybody.

These magnificent specimens...

They ain't never getting to Aspen.

They always freak out when you leave the scene of an accident, you know?

They called the ambulance and then they hit the road.

They found these next to the body.

They got the Monkees. They were a major influence on the Beatles.

They must have been following us for weeks.

They said just put it on their tab.

They were seen headed west on I 80 towards Colorado.

They yours?

They're driving an '84...

They're good.

They're numb.

They're very nice.

This calls for a little of the bubbly.

This didn't come out of our travel fund.

This is a lot easier if you just lay back.

This is my stepmother, Helen.

This is the Hotel Danbury presidential suite, gentlemen.

This is the life.

This is where it ends, in a phone booth.

This isn't my real job, you know.

This one's on me.

Those are IOU's.

Those rat bastards. They're rubbing it right in our faces.

Tic Tac, sir?

Till the mountains fall into the sea, till the heavens collide...

Time out.

To my friend, Harry...

Tomorrow on A Current Affair...

Too little too late, Harry.

Traded the van for it, straight up.

Two hundred and seventy five thou. Might wanna hang on to that one.

Two lucky guys are gonna be driving around...

Uh huh.

Uh oh.

Uh...

Uh... Uh... I'm just... I'm cleaning my teeth.

Uh... Uh... Uh...

Unless you're busy. I'll...

Very funny. In your dreams.

Very... Very funny, Rascal.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute. I know what you're up to, mister.

Wait, I have an idea.

Wait, no, no. Do me first.

Waitress says he came in with a couple of younger guys.

Wanna hear the most annoying sound in the world?

Wanna jump on the bike with me? We can go get it. Unless...

We are on a very tight budget.

We belong together!

We borrow a few bucks, just a small loan, from the briefcase...

We both learned something about each other today, didn't we?

We can be classy and sophis... Look at the funbags on that hosehound.

We can't let on that anything's wrong.

We don't have enough money to get home! We don't have enough money to eat!

We don't have enough money to sleep!

We got no food, we got no jobs...

We had the most incredibly romantic time.

We have plenty of towels. Thanks.

We have shortly coming the emperor and empress of Japan.

We landed on the moon!

We should have called the authorities the minute we knew Bobby was kidnapped.

We stayed in a place just like this. Wasn't this classy, but you know, nice.

We'll be meticulous to the last penny. Whatever we borrow, we pay back.

We'll keep track all the money we spend with IOU's.

We're driving across the country. The last thing we need is bad luck.

We're going on a national bikini tour, and we're looking for two oil boys...

We're gonna get that money back.

We're just bringing it back to her. How's your burger?

We're really doing it, though, aren't we, buddy?

We've been following you guys all the way from Providence.

Well, are you aware that it's against the law...

Well, come on, Cinderella, we gotta get you ready for the ball.

Well, could you do me a favor and watch my stuff here...

Well, he's gotta come home sometime.

Well, how long have I been out?

Well, I saw you come in. I was hoping I'd get a chance to meet you.

Well, if it's any consolation, you're about to be reunited.

Well, if that guy at the table over there is Sea Bass...

Well, it's not gonna do us any good to sit here whining about it.

Well, Lloyd, that's difficult to say. We really don't...

Well, no. I got a few things to take care of first.

Well, no. It crossed my mind. Yeah.

Well, oh, that... It was a terrible mistake, sir.

Well, see you later.

Well, then...

Well, what do you say, Mr. Dunne? Are you available?

Well, you know, I don't know, you know, the thing, part... Sure, what time?

Well, you know, I...

Well...

What am I supposed to do? Go about my life like everything is fine?

What am...?

What are my chances?

What are you doing here?

What are you doing in Aspen?

What are you gonna do?

What are you talking about?

What are you waiting for? Get over there and talk to her.

What are you, a camel?

What did you sell him, Lloyd?

What do you mean?

What do you mean? Don't deny it, Lloyd.

What do you say we change seats? I've been driving for nine straight hours.

What do you think the chances are of a guy like you and a girl like me...

What happened, Harry?

What happened?

What happened? Guy tricks some sucker...

What I meant was...

What if he shot me in the face?

What is the Soup Du Jour?

What is this? What is this? Where's all the money?

What kind of stuff?

What the hell are these guys up to? I mean...

What the hell do you want?

What the hell?

What, are you crazy? I'm not pulling over now.

What, that? No. Yes. No.

What, what, did you s...?

What?

What? Foolish? This isn't foolish.

What? What's the matter?

What? What's wrong?

What...? What...?

What's going on, Harry?

What's her last name? I'll look it up.

What's in it?

What's that?

What's the matter?

What's with the briefcase?

When Lloyd Christmas drives a woman to the airport...

When they pick me up...

Where beautiful women instinctively flock like the salmon of Capistrano.

Where did you come up with a scam like that?

Where did you find that?

Where did you get 25 extra bucks?

Where have you been?

Where you going in that getup?

Where you going?

Where's the booze?

Whiz in one of the empty beer bottles. They're on the floor, just get one of...

Who are these sick people?

Who needs a radio? Ready, Harry?

Who the hell do you figure this guy's working for, anyway?

Who's got the roast beef Au jus?

Who's got the Wiener Schnitzel?

Who's the dead man that hit me with the salt shaker?

Why don't you eat up and we'll tell you.

Why don't you go over and introduce yourself...

Why don't you guys both stop acting like a couple of pussies...

Why would she have you meet her at a bar at 10 in the morning?

Why you going to the airport?

Why you say?

Will you join me in a good luck toast before you head out?

Wow.

Wow. Mm.

Yeah, and go where? Where are we gonna go?

Yeah, can you say pretty bird?

Yeah, her family has the big place up on Alpine Drive.

Yeah, I know.

Yeah, I was running a little late. I thought this would save some time.

Yeah, it's Mental.

Yeah, okay. Sure thing, Lloyd. Sure thing.

Yeah, okay. You're on.

Yeah, really well.

Yeah, right.

Yeah, she comes in here all the time.

Yeah, she grabbed me down in the lobby, explained what was up...

Yeah, that's what she said. She'll meet you there at 10:00 sharp.

Yeah, unless you wanna work 40 hours a week.

Yeah, we called it a bullshit.

Yeah, well, I lost my job too.

Yeah, well, it's a good thing you're not stacked, Harry...

Yeah, well, what's that?

Yeah, well, you are.

Yeah, yeah, that sounds nice, Lloyd...

Yeah, you just wanna go to Aspen and find that girl who lost her briefcase...

Yeah, you know her?

Yeah, you said it, pal.

Yeah!

Yeah!

Yeah!

Yeah?

Yeah?

Yeah?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. We're in the Rockies.

Yeah. When are we ever gonna catch a break?

Yep.

Yep.

Yep.

Yes, I do. Yesterday was one of the greatest days of my life.

Yes, my soda's flat. It doesn't have any bubbles.

Yes, pretty bird.

Yes, sir.

Yes, sir. Mutt Cutts. Ten four.

Yes, sirree.

Yes, yes, I've had a wonderful time so far. Thank you.

You are in luck.

You can't triple stamp a double stamp, Lloyd.

You can't triple stamp. Lloyd, you can't triple a double stamp.

You can't triple stamp. That's the rule. You can't triple.

You don't kill people you don't know. That's a rule.

You drove almost a sixth of the way across the country in the wrong direction!

You fellas been doing a bit of boozing, have you?

You fellas were going a little fast back there, wouldn't you say?

You go straight ahead and you make a left over the bridge.

You have a message.

You have just earned yourself a seat at the head table, pal.

You heard him. Those were his last words.

You killed my best friend, you bastard!

You knew I was crazy about Fraida Felcher...

You know girls.

You know what I'm sick and tired of, Harry?

You know what really chaffs my ass, though?

You know what you have. Her briefcase.

You know why I like you, Harry?

You know, bathed them, clipped them. I've even bred them.

You know, I don't really recall.

You know, I don't think we have enough gas money.

You know, like ant farms?

You know, Lloyd...

You mean not good like one out of a hundred?

You mean to say you drove 2000 miles just for me?

You mean you don't even know her?

You mean you're gonna go out in public dressed in tights?

You open it up. Open it up.

You poor guy. Does it hurt?

You really wimped out, man.

You remembered my name.

You seem harmless.

You sold my dead bird to a blind kid?

You spilled the salt. That's what's the matter.

You turned your back on me. Ooh, ooh!

You want an Atomic Pepper, Mr. Mentalino?

You want me to drive?

You want some ketchup and mustard? That helped us.

You were right, Lloyd.

You were supposed to grab that bag so we could end this shit.

You wouldn't happen to have a cup of warm water, would you?

You wouldn't happen to know a Mary Swanson, would you?

You'd better not be fooling.

You'd keep your mouth shut if you knew what was good for you, buddy.

You'd probably like it too, you big homo.

You're a dead man. You're a dead man!

You're a little early. We don't open for about 45 minutes.

You're absolutely right, Lloyd.

You're alive!

You're it.

You're it. Quitsies. No anti quitsies. No startsies.

You're on.

You're right on time.

You're right.

You're right. I can't go out dressed like this.

You've had this pair of extra gloves this whole time?

10 to 1?

...and already you're annoying me. I'm sorry.

...and we find some reasonable lodgings. Good plan.

...and we're in like a dirty shirt. No problem.

...inter... It's a big one.

...used to frequent the hotel constantly. We'll take it.

Absolute... We're good for it. Our word is our bond.

All right. Any sign of them? No, but we're expecting them shortly.

Am I right? Am I right? Am I right, Lloyd? Yeah. So? Yeah. So?

And if that diamond ring don't shine And if that diamond...

And if that mockingbird don't sing And if that mockingbird don't sing

Annual. ...annual meeting of...

Any idea where they were going? We received a report.

Are you okay? Oh, yeah. I just... I do this all the time.

Bartender. How come?

Bird Si

Bird Yeah

Bobby. Easy, easy.

Boren. Boren. These pooches...

But I gotta go. What am I supposed to do? Well...

But, Marry? I'm sorry, Harry.

Calm down. Right now. I'm gonna kill you.

Can't triple stamp a double stamp. You can.

Can't. Stamped it. Can too. Double stamped it. No erasies.

Cheer up. It gets worse, Lloyd.

Come on, come on. Put it right... Shut up.

Come on, ready? No, no, no.

Cripes. Yes, yes, yes.

Die! Lloyd, Lloyd.

Do you have change of a dollar? Change? No, I'm sorry, I don't.

Feeling better, girls? Yes, much better. Thank you for asking.

Get out of here. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Get the gun. Look out, look out.

Go ahead, Sea Bass. You gonna eat that?

Good luck with your worms. Thanks.

Harry? What?

Harry. No.

Harry. No.

Helen, we've been through this already. Mr. Andre.

Here, here, here. Go. Okay.

Here. He's resisting me.

Hey, bartender, two martinis, please. Yes, sir. Right away.

Hey. Wait! Lloyd!

Hey... Do you realize what you've done?

Hi, Harry Dunne. Hi, nice to meet you.

Hi. Hi.

Hi. Hi.

Hold on a minute. Because you were spiteful. I didn't wanna...

Host annual. Host...

How'd you guess? Well, I saw your luggage.

Huh? Pull over.

I beg your pardon? That's what we're gonna call it.

I beg your pardon. The owls. They're beautiful.

I don't believe it. You really have it. Of course I have it.

I don't gamble. Pussy, pussy.

I don't know. My friend... Forget about your friend for one day.

I know what I'm gonna do. What are you doing?

I never have and I never will. Pussy.

I stole your girl. I deserve it. No, you don't.

I'll be out in one minute. Okay.

I'll get the pills. Out with the bad air, in with the good.

I'll give you 3 to 1 odds. No.

I'm gonna get you. Uh uh.

Ing Si

Ing Yeah

It's more tingly than hot. Yeah.

It's not so bad. Well?

Let me find a pen though. Great.

Let me help you. No, no, no.

Lloyd, no, west. Go west, Lloyd. Oh, yeah.

Lloyd, what are you doing? Shh.

Maybe I should be going. No, no.

Maybe it's on the briefcase. Look on... Yeah. It's right here.

Maybe it's on the briefcase. Look on... Yeah. It's right here.

Mock Si

Mock Yeah

Mockingbird, everybody have you heard? Mockingbird, everybody have you heard?

Neugeboren. Neu... Neu... Neu...

Nicholas. Karl.

Nick, Nick, Nick. Nick.

No erasies. You can't triple stamp.

No offense. No. None taken.

No, you go first. No, you go first. No, you go first.

No. Come on. Go.

No. Oh, no, sir. No. No, no, no.

Nuh uh. Nuh uh. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Of course. Thanks.

Oh, don't... Don't touch me.

Oh, sweetie. Oh, baby, I missed your loving.

Oh. Hi, Bobby. Hi.

Okay, just calm down. What the hell are we doing here, Harry?

Okay, thanks. Bye.

Okay. Especially you, Mary.

Okay. Okay.

Okay. Let's go, buddy. Super!

Okay. Sounds good. Okay.

Pfft. Here.

Pills are good. Pills are good. Drink them down. Drink them down.

Pills. Okay. Here you go. There you go.

Please. Okay, okay, okay, stop.

Put these on there too, okay? You got it.

Quick, get me another bottle. What?

Rain brought them to him. My mother was Sarah Carver.

Really? Oh, yes.

She give you any reason? Yeah, I called her up.

She left it. Let's go. Excuse me.

She's gonna buy me a diamond ring She's gonna buy me a diamond ring

She's gonna buy me a mockingbird She's gonna buy me a mockingbird

Si Si

Sir, no, I... No, sir. Don't. Don't drink...

Sir. Yeah?

So how are you involved with them? Oh, I... You know, I've trained them.

So stop going. I'm still...

So you got fired again, huh? Oh, yeah.

Some little filly break your heart? No, it was a girl.

Still wanna go to Aspen? Oh, yeah.

Sure. Okay.

Thank you. No, hey, no. Allow me.

Thanks. Here you go. Oh, no, Mary.

That sounds like a dare, Harry. It's a double dare.

That's a special feeling, Lloyd. Yeah. Oh, yeah?

That's exactly what you should do. Yes. Go skiing. Go to parties.

That's good. Here he comes. Here he comes.

That's right. Great.

The alarm alone cost me 200. Hey, chicks love it.

The blind kid? Yeah.

The guy hooked on my burger. What...? No, no, wait a second.

The ulcer? I'll live.

The. Yeah. ...the...

Them who? Them. The guys who whacked Mental.

There you go. Thank you, sir.

There you go. Thank you, sir.

There you go. Thank you, sir.

There you go. Thank you, sir.

There you go. There you go, big guy. That's better.

Uh, Lloyd... Shh.

Watch the seat. All right.

We can't afford to buy them drinks. Shh.

We used to be best friends. Yeah, until he turned into a backstabber.

We're not as good friends as we thought. Yeah, guess not.

What do you mean you don't bet? I don't bet.

What I would... The damage I can do to you.

What more could two single guys ask for? How about some food?

What's that supposed to mean? She has dinner.

Who are you? Oh, don't play dumb with me, asshole.

Yeah Yeah

Yeah? ...I gotta pee.

Yeah. What's on next?

Yeah. You gonna get it.

Yes, I do. No, you don't. No.

You can't do that. Can to.

You don't have to worry about it. Just shut up.

You go. I always go first. Oh, yeah.

You just tell me where to sign, bud. Right on my ass, after you kiss it.

You just wait right here, okay? Okay.

You knew I was crazy about her. Yeah.

You make the pickup. Piece of cake.

You were? Really. Yes.

You're an asshole. No! Harry! I'm gonna do it.

You're gonna be my best man. Good.

You're it. You're it, quitsies.

You're it. You're it. Quitsies.

You're it. Anti quitsies, double stamp. You're it. Anti quitsies, triple stamp.

You're kissing me, Lloyd... I love you.

You're okay. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm okay, I'm just a little sore.

...905... Wait a minute, that's my old number.

...a round of beers...

...about being in a bathroom with a 6'4 trucker with his pants down.

...after I dump a little rat poison in their Shirley Temple.

...and decided he wanted to fix the sink. I couldn't believe him.

...and go at the same time, huh?

...and I clipped them myself.

...and I wanna ask you a question, straight out, flat out...

...and I want you to give me the honest answer.

...and I'm not ashamed to admit it. Please...

...and that didn't stop you, did it?

...and that way you can build me up so I won't have to brag about myself later.

...and then our hog breaks down.

...and then they slapped this bulletproof vest on me and gave me a gun.

...and this may be your last chance. She never gets a chance to get out.

...and totally redeem yourself!

...and you need me to drive you there, right?

...are not gonna need primping. You know why? Because I bathed them...

...but I don't wanna bore you with those.

...but I'm gonna go with my instinct on this one.

...but now my main area of expertise is canines.

...but we sure as hell better find out.

...but, don't you think you might be jumping the gun a little bit?

...can still serve a purpose.

...constitute one seventh of the snow owl population left on the planet.

...departing as soon as possible, please.

...ending up together?

...for the worm store.

...good day, mate.

...he makes sure she gets her luggage. That's my whole philosophy.

...I just got that old fashioned romantic feeling...

...I like you, Mary.

...I took care of it.

...I'd be out, trying my luck on the slopes.

...illustrious stars of stage and screen.

...inside the home of the Menendez brothers' attorney.

...into picking up his tab and gets away Scot free?

...it's Mary.

...just to bury the hatchet.

...just when I think you couldn't possibly be any dumber...

...of 23 endangered species.

...of running from creditors.

...or I'll be banging you right now.

...or until I get sick of her and need to move on. You hear me?

...our pets' heads are falling off!

...put out the vibe.

...she left this in the terminal and flew to Aspen and out of my life.

...Slappy, Slimin, Solmon, Simmon...

...so I'm gonna head out, catch a flick.

...talking about her.

...the immediate loading and unloading of passengers only.

...the matchmaker.

...then our friendship isn't worth a damn. We should call quits right now.

...these wonderful creatures will flourish once more.

...they catch up to him half mile down the road and slit his throat.

...to go rooting around in somebody else's private property.

...to have an open alcohol container here in the state of Pennsylvania?

...where I'd do anything to bone her.

...while I go break a dollar?

...who can grease us up before each competition.

...who can plug us into the social pipeline.

...who was duped into buying a dead parakeet.

...with some farver beans and a nice bottle of Chianti.

...with the heartbreaking story of the blind Rhode Island boy...

...with those girls for the next couple of months.

...with your help and that of the Society's...

...you follow us. You got that?

...you go and do something like this...

...you think we could listen to the radio or something?

...your hands are freezing.

5 to 1. No.