Easy A (2010) Edit

A boy?

A dyed in the wool homosexual, that boy is.

A gentleman caller, hurray!

A harlot. It's not that I've actually been doing...

A is for awesome.

A lady's choice and a gentleman's agreement.

A little because I didn't feel like hanging out with her all weekend.

A little too straight, if you know what I mean.

A Reverend? A wizard?

A skank? So you don't think she was a victim at all?

A time when the worst crime a woman could commit...

A whole bunch of other stuff happens too.

Absolutely.

Absolutely.

According to my watch, you have 382 of them.

Actually, I told one person I did. And you know how these things work.

Actually, make it OfficeMax. I have my eye on a label maker.

Add so fast. And you also talk like a grown up.

All I could think to myself was, Great, now I'm a tramp.

All of your tormentors will be there.

All right, listen, don't tell anyone I'm doing this, please.

All right, now, honey, after we watch The Bucket List...

All right, well, that was Brandon. He needs to talk to me about something.

All right. Come on. Chop chop. All right.

All right. Hey, what are you doing for dinner tonight?

Also, hugs not drugs. Mess with the bull, get the horns.

Although we're reading a book that I personally deem...

Although you gotta love the Quiznos guy.

Am I in trouble?

Amen.

And any other cliches you can come up with.

And as every war that's ever been fought can tell you...

And by magic I mean nothing.

And by that, I assume you mean?

And don't worry about not making us grandparents...

And for a day, we were actually really good friends.

And he's not a minor.

And here is where the trouble began. The lie that started the whole thing.

And here you all are...

And here's how I really spent the weekend.

And I bet that girl was acting like exactly what you called her.

And I don't even feel bad for lying for your wife.

And I have no STDs, I promise you.

And I know it interferes with the basketball game but, come on...

And I think you're pretty and smart.

And I was wondering if there's, like, a room where we could go...

And if there's one thing worse than chlamydia, it's Florida.

And it feels like I got a love and I know that it's all mine.

And it turns out she bore her punishment in humble silence...

And it's illegal in the U.S..

And it's important to remember it's not your fault.

And no one was getting hurt...

And right now, my life is a mess.

And secondly, let's play the Who Would You Believe game, okay?

And so then he's telling everybody that it was you.

And sorry I got caught a little bit too,

And sure, we can sit and fantasize all we want...

And that would be that, but that...

And that's why I decided to do this webcast.

And the whack pack just gets bigger and bigger.

And then he finds out that he has chlamydia.

And then it changed pretty quickly when I started lying...

And there's a reason for that.

And this is my side, the right one.

And whether I liked it or not, I had a lot of customers.

And you'll handle this the same way I did.

And you're a jealous virgin.

And, boy, did my terminological inexactitude accelerate with velocity.

And, you know, there was this amazing girl who lied for him.

And, you know, whatever else I lose, and then that's okay.

Anson, drop me a beat.

Any friend of Olive's is a friend of our daughter's.

Are you accusing me of nepotism?

Are you really making this about you right now?

Are you saying that I should act straight so people will like me?

Aren't there, like, child labor laws against this?

Aren't you supposed to be eternally in love with him?

Ask some of your friends' parents.

Assuming there is a hell...

Awesome, awesome, awesome.

Because at least you're being thought of.

Because I can't take another day of this. I don't know what I'll do.

Because I thought I... I thought I heard feel.

Because if you eat just a little bit too much...

Because the Family Member of the Week gets to pick the movie.

Because, pursuant to the student code of conduct...

Bedazzling personality? Beautiful, beautiful soul?

Before I met Dad, I had incredibly low self worth.

Big tits!

Blue!

Brandon and I showed up when it was in full swing.

Brandon was just in the middle of telling me

Brandon, just a couple hours ago you told me you were Kinsey Six gay.

Brandon.

Brandon.

Burn.

But at least they have a pack.

But don't worry, this isn't one of those tales.

But I found my way back.

But I hate myself for telling you the truth. I am so sorry.

But I just started piling on lie after lie.

But I messed up, okay? I just goddamn shit...

But I really like this guy...

But I see no other alternative than to just live with the guilt.

But I'll... I'm gonna fix it, Olive. Okay? I'll tell everyone.

But I'm not... I'm not judging you or anything, but, oh, my God.

But I'm the guidance counselor. I should know all the students.

But make sure it's the original...

But mostly because her parents are the weirdest people I have ever met...

But mostly just sorry I said it.

But no, I'm not. So I could really care less.

But on Monday, when Rhi asked me how my weekend was...

But really, I just kind of wanted someone to talk to.

But stripper, nonetheless.

But that didn't stop me. Goddamn shit.

But that doesn't mean she's not my best friend.

But the really amazing thing is, it is nobody's goddamn business.

But they go to our church. What will people say?

But this girl is defiant to any type of help.

But we also need to get her the hell out of here.

But when they thought I slept with someone...

But you're much smarter than I am...

But, no. No. John Hughes did not direct my life.

By second period, we apparently had private jokes.

Bye, Mr. Griffith.

Call Micah.

Call Micah.

Can I help you?

Can I talk to you alone for a second?

Can I talk to you for a second?

Can we throw in, like, some butt action or some pants rubbing?

Can you just send in the next person? Thank you.

Can you just...? Excuse me? Hi.

Can you listen to me for one second, please?

Capital H?

Chlamydia?!

Clever wordplay. I like it. You must be related to me.

Come on, just relax. Come on, babe. It's all right.

Come on, this is bullshit.

Come on, where's she going?

Come on.

Come on.

Come on. Are you kidding me?

Cool.

Dad, can you just shut the door, please?

Dear God, dear Lord, tell me you did not marry and have children with him.

Demi Moore took her clothes off. This is bullshit.

Detention after school tomorrow.

Did he just say it smelled?

Did she say anything about being mad at me?

Did you form this opinion prior to my little transformation?

Did you hear about Olive?

Did you know some people actually eat ground up rhinoceros horn...

Did you win a medal or something?

Do me a favor and just stuff this down my throat until I asphyxiate to death.

Do me a favor, though. Just talk to her.

Do you believe this whole thing about lobster being an aphrodisiac?

Do you know how embarrassing that is?

Do you know how many girls I've hooked up with because of that?

Do you know that Brandon kid? That's what somebody told him.

Do you know, like, Glade candles?

Do you need to talk to us about something, sweetie?

Do you smell that? Do you smell us?

Do you wanna talk about it?

Does anybody here think they can talk to her, get her to see...

Does it only exist in '80s movies?

Don't act like you don't know what people are saying about me.

Don't forget, tomorrow's Earth Day.

Don't get mad, but Brandon told me what you did for him.

Don't worry, I'm not nearly as smart as I think I am.

Don't you think it's a little strange that your boyfriend is 22 years old...

Don't you, though?

Down the hall to the left.

Due to his condition, Micah was sent on a visit to his grandparents...

Enjoy eating your meat.

Especially the ones who dress like prostitutes.

Evan, please do this for me, all right? I did that for you. Do this for me.

Evan. Hey, what's rocking?

Even I had trouble with him.

Even though it was my slutty alter ego that said a bad word in school...

Everything's gonna be okay.

Evidence.

Except for Huckleberry Finn. I don't know any teenage boys...

Except the Civil War. That was pure racism.

Excuse me?

Fabulous. I'm crushing it. Everything according to plan.

Felt.

Finally, this great looking guy comes in and he's nice to me, you know?

Finally. Now you're a super slut like me.

Finding out you slept with some gay dude from Jackie Rudetsky?

Fine, don't go camping with us. Just know I hate you, bitch.

Fine, I'd be the dirtiest skank they'd ever seen.

Fine.

For a long time, actually. A long time.

For governors or athletes.

For those who haven't read The Scarlet Letter...

Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.

From the blood I saw gushing out of your nose, I thought you were bullied.

George is what you name your teddy bear...

Get your hands out of your berries, boy.

Getting a lot of hugs today.

Getting them nice and sharp?

Girls are almost as dumb as boys.

Give it up for the Woodchucks!

Give it up for your Blue Devils!

Give them hell.

Go forth, my son. You're a man now.

Go get your chocolate milk.

Go, go, go.

Go, Woodchucks!

God. Asshole.

Goddamn it.

Goddamn. Shit, goddamn.

Good job.

Good.

Good. Good.

Goodbye, Evan.

Got it?

Guys, we have a problem: Olive Penderghast.

Guys.

Haven't you heard?

Haven't you?

He can even marry people.

He didn't want me to lose my job...

He got a Coke Zero again?

He said something about asking for your hand in marriage.

He seemed a little incredibly gay.

He was charming, you know? He was a real gentleman.

He's not my boyfriend.

He's not real.

Heck, yeah!

Hello, what's bi ? What is bi ?

Here you go.

Here you go. Okay?

Here, Jim, I'll take my turn at steering now.

Here's all you need to know.

Hey, Anson. What's up?

Hey, no judgment. All God's children. It's fine.

Hey, Olive and Brandon.

Hey, Olive.

Hey, Olive.

Hey, Olive. How's it going?

Hey! Go, Woodchucks!

Hey.

Hi, Rhi.

Hi. One for...

Hi. One for...

His choice. His? His?

His parents are going through a divorce.

Honey, you're kind of starting to worry us a little.

How can I help you today?

How can we exhibit school pride when we're conveyed to others...

How do you know I like being thought of as a floozy?

How do you know where I live?

How I, Olive Penderghast, went from assumed trollop...

How long do these embraces usually last? Because I gotta go, but I...

How shitty it feels to be an outcast. Warranted or not.

How was she?

I actually didn't wanna lie that time.

I actually reread The Scarlet Letter to see how Hester dealt with it.

I also heard he gave you crabs.

I always forget Disney World went blue in the last election.

I am about six seconds away from slapping you so hard...

I borrowed a dress from my mom, Brandon borrowed a jacket from me...

I borrowed my neighbor's mower. I came right over.

I bought my air compressor there.

I can assure you I won't.

I can't decide if you're a genius or a lunatic.

I can't, because I have a date with the guy I like and the rest of the school.

I checked. He is 21 in eight months.

I could do this thing. I could go... I mean, my leg all the way...

I could help, maybe.

I did it.

I did not know it was.

I did.

I did. I tried to blame it on their divorce...

I didn't know Woodchuck Todd worked here.

I didn't know you wore contacts.

I didn't realize this was a...

I didn't until I was 14. Nor did Olive.

I didn't. I... You know what? I'm just gonna...

I don't care who started it. Just work it out.

I don't do anything half assed. All right?

I don't know what it is about Nina.

I don't know what you're talking about.

I don't know what your generation's fascination is...

I don't know why I did it.

I don't know.

I don't need your permission, you know.

I don't think letting Peter Hedlund motorboat you...

I don't think so.

I don't wanna get pushed into shit every day. It's a win win win.

I don't wanna kiss you with mascara running down my face...

I don't want people to know I didn't go to second base with you.

I don't, which is why I was tearing up.

I don't. Can you shut the door, please?

I fake rocked your world.

I get a bonus.

I got $50 from T.J. Maxx so that Eric Ling could say...

I got a B plus on my spelling test today.

I got sent to the principal today.

I got through to you.

I guess I shouldn't be too shocked these people...

I guess maybe it was because it was the first time...

I guess that's still better than getting it on with some old dude.

I had a horrible reputation and people said awful things about me.

I had a similar situation when I was your age.

I had one outfit left and I figured about 30 seconds to do it.

I had to hear from Jackie Rudetsky.

I hadn't planned on it.

I hate her.

I have an after school session. Kid brought a knife to school.

I have to call you back. Okay. Bye bye.

I haven't overanalyzed it, like you're about to.

I hope for your sake that God has a sense of humor.

I hope you don't mind, but we had a few pre cocktail party cocktails...

I judge it's all right.

I just don't want this thing you're going through to define your life.

I just hope for your sake that you've cleaned the sheets.

I just realized the funniest thing. My name is an anagram for I love.

I just remembered I am so allergic to shellfish.

I just told everybody I did.

I just want you to know your father and I are totally supportive.

I kind of hate me too.

I knew he wasn't Latino, but for some reason all these shady...

I knew it wouldn't work.

I knew there was only one person I could count on

I know what people are saying. Doesn't mean I believe them.

I know you read the book.

I know.

I know. I am so... I'm really, really sorry.

I know. I spent a minute on it.

I let you fondle my chest, and it was a glorious moment for you...

I like that.

I like that. All right.

I like to keep my business to myself.

I love you and I want to be with you, and nobody can stop us.

I love your room!

I made a bad one. But then, so did you.

I mean, at the rate you're going...

I mean, I could have easily given it to Micah.

I mean, I got a little lost in the middle,

I mean, I have a reputation to uphold.

I mean, I really want us to be friends. Can we please be friends?

I mean, this isn't one of those progressive schools...

I mean, who knows?

I mean, you're a nice guy and all, but you're not really my type.

I need to get my business in order before I drag you into it.

I needed to pique everyone's interest to get them to go home and log on.

I panicked.

I put an A on my wardrobe just like they asked.

I read him originally when I was 5, but I struggled.

I really didn't mean for the lie to put me on the map...

I really think you should consider giving me extra credit...

I said felt.

I said grunt, not whine. Just grunt.

I said I got it from Olive Penderghast.

I see you've been watching my live webcast. It's still going on, you know.

I should act straight till I get out of this hellhole.

I should start calling him Lobster Todd.

I shouldn't have done it.

I think before you expel me,

I think Hester Prynne was...

I think it's a best friend's duty...

I think my complete lack of allure...

I think they just fire you. You're thinking of Disneyland.

I think this is the part...

I think you know innuendo is attached to everything these days.

I think you're taking your reading assignment a little bit too seriously.

I thought I should look into what they were running around thumping about.

I thought she was going to take her clothes off.

I thought you were at your cousin's rehearsal dinner.

I told you, that was a one night stand, which is now over.

I tried to witness to her,

I used inappropriate language in English class.

I used to be anonymous, invisible to the opposite sex.

I wanna be in detention.

I wanna ride off on a lawn mower with Patrick Dempsey.

I want a $100 gift card deposited into my locker by noon tomorrow.

I want Jake from Sixteen Candles waiting outside the church for me.

I want John Cusack holding a boombox outside my window.

I want Judd Nelson thrusting his fist into the air...

I want my Juicy sweatshirt back. It was too loose around your chest anyway.

I want you to know that if you hear around town I have chlamydia,

I wanted to make sure you knew...

I was gay once for a while.

I was just hoping you could do the same for me?

I was just suggesting that maybe these kids we call peers...

I was just talking about you with my friend, Rhiannon.

I was kind of starting to think things were gonna turn around.

I was looking forward to getting all this behind me.

I was starting to think I actually did have a gnome down there.

I was thinking about getting a hot air balloon, you know...

I was used to being by myself, but I had never felt more alone.

I was wondering if you were busy tonight.

I went to everyone I'd helped and begged them to say it wasn't true.

I won't tell.

I worry about the way information circulates at this school.

I wouldn't know how to be grounded more than you know how to ground.

I... Wait, what does that have to do with me?

I'd helped him, and even though it would destroy his new reputation...

I'll be right down.

I'm drunk, bitches. What's up?

I'm gonna have to get a lower back tattoo...

I'm gonna tell everyone that it's me. Okay? I'll just... I'll lose my job.

I'm gonna turn you around and take you from the back.

I'm hearing some rumors.

I'm just a fat piece of shit.

I'm just a little confused as to what exactly that is.

I'm just going off what I've seen in movies.

I'm just gonna go check out Judaism because...

I'm just kidding.

I'm not gonna stop.

I'm not really having sex with people for money.

I'm really attempting to understand this puritanical ostracism...

I'm saying I'm having sex for money, but I'm not having sex for money.

I'm so happy with this decision. That's what it's going to be.

I'm so sorry about everything I said. I am so, so sorry.

I'm sorry about that.

I'm sorry I asked.

I'm sorry, but I have a date.

I'm sorry, but we have to go.

I'm sorry, I must have the wrong address.

I'm sorry, what did you say your name was?

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. You gotta be shitting me, woman.

I'm swell, Guy I've Never Talked to Before.

I'm thinking about another gateway. It's a...

I'm trying to make this school a better place.

I'm trying to make this school a better place.

I've been pretending to be...

I've got something for you.

I've never seen that girl before.

I've wanted to kiss you since 8th grade...

If God wanted him to graduate, God would've given him the right answers.

If Google Earth were a guy...

If I can keep the girls off the pole and the boys off the pipe,

If I open up to you, do you promise this stays in confidence?

If I promise not to tell anyone, could I kiss you right now?

If I read one more paper from one of your classmates...

If I was dressed as a crack on a sidewalk.

If that's our connection, I should date the entire school.

If you have a test on it, rent the movie,

If you hear anything to the contrary...

If you use a word like this again in my school, it'll be your last. Understand?

In months, all right?

In Sweet Valley with traveling pants.

Indirectly, I guess sort of.

Innuendo? What...? Whatever do you mean?

Ironically, we were studying The Scarlet Letter.

Is he struggling with his sexuality?

Is it not a minister?

Is it true you got with Brandon at Melody Dipshit's party?

Is that how much our imaginary tryst meant to you?

Is that Olive?

Is that what people are saying happened?

Isn't he a homo?

Isn't it supposed to smell?

It could be an imaginary butterbean, lemon squeeze...

It doesn't have to be a bonk.

It gets worse.

It hurts so bad, Mommy.

It is.

It should come as no surprise that the rumor I was soliciting sex for money...

It sucked, by the way. She was, like:

It sucks because we could've revisited Melody's bedroom.

It was a butter knife. But you know what they say.

It was like setting up Jenga.

It was make believe.

It was the right one. I always pegged you for a southpaw.

It wasn't because someone sawed off a thumb...

It'll get you sent to the principal's office.

It'll have to be a public event.

It's a pastor, and he's here.

It's his choice that he's a fourth year senior

It's just that a lot of people have been asking me to do things...

It's like wildfire.

It's not a good thing.

It's nothing. It's just the rumor mill.

It's okay. It's all right. Come on.

It's pandering and it's been done before...

It's partly because she's pretty and has perfect hair...

It's perfectly legal in the state of California.

It's so hard because they keep doing it over and over again.

It's true. I was quite the contortionist.

Jack?

Judy Blume should've prepared me for that.

Just a couple of admitted whores.

Just a guy having dinner with a girl.

Just because you lost your virginity doesn't mean you can go...

Just do what I did and make someone up.

Just for people who I think are cool.

Just give me a second, okay?

Just go.

Just in case you don't shop at Target. Then you can go screw yourself.

Just kidding.

Just kidding. Come on in.

Just one good imaginary bonk.

Kill the beat. I'm not gonna rap for you.

Language like this would've warranted a visit years ago.

Last year's cause celebre was the changing of the school mascot.

Let your freak flag fly. Just make sure you have an exit strategy.

Let's dig in. Right?

Let's just face it, there is no such thing as a sexy George.

Let's just say it was an inappropriate word.

Let's not mistake popularity for infamy.

Like a twig, you know, or a branch, or a contact, or something.

Like the exact moment you turned into such a badass?

Listen to me.

Listen, here's the sitch, Melody Bostic.

Listen, I want to apologize for sending you to the principal's office.

Listen, Mrs. Griffith, I really... I don't need these.

Listen, whatever this little act is about, I just... I'm curious.

Look it up, big boy.

Looking back, that's the thing I regret the most.

Luckily we had a super romantic song from our youth to set the mood.

Luckily, I live in a town with many different places of worship.

Make God a promise, right here and right now...

Make me a promise.

Making spaghetti.

Man, I would slit my throat...

Marianne Bryant is the secretary of the student council...

Maybe next time a certain somebody will be a little more careful...

Maybe wanna go out or something?

Me neither. My cousin's getting married. It's a rehearsal dinner.

Me.

Medical science really has not substantiated claims...

Melody Bostic is throwing a party tomorrow night.

Moan, you know? Like, sex noises.

Mr. Griffith is my favorite teacher.

Mr. Griffith, if you ever see this...

Must've been embarrassing.

My guilt stems from my indiscretion and yours for lying.

Never had one lesson.

Never mind that gayness because I'm a straight guy. Roar!

Never mind.

Never underestimate the power of extremists like Marianne.

New Honey Chicken at Quiznos.

Nice. Solid joke.

Nina.

Ninety dollars from Panda Express so Ryan Dukes could tell people...

No big deal. We all do it. It's okay.

No judgment, but you look like a stripper.

No one had to tell me that once upon a time, there was a scared kid...

No way. I gave you money.

No, he told me the truth.

No, I mean what letter did the word start with?

No, it's not, Marianne. It's real.

No, no, no.

No, stop. We're at school. There are rules.

No, that's all right, Huck. I like steering.

No, that's my fault. I'm so sorry, Olive. I'm sorry.

No, the one where you got suspended for calling Nina Howell a dick...

No, we could stick our heads in the oven...

No, you haven't. No, you haven't.

No, you insensitive rhymes with witch.

No, you're not in trouble.

No.

No. It's just a thing that's going around.

No. No, I haven't.

No. No, of course not.

No. No, probably not. You know, it was just one of those weekends.

No. That was a rhetorical question. I don't wanna know anything from you.

Not exactly.

Not in high school.

Not my best line, but it was provocative enough...

Not my mother, not Marianne, and not even the school board...

Not now I don't, shit dick.

Not that I owe you guys any more confessions,

Not with a fizzle, but with a bang.

Nothing.

Notoriety, for whatever reason...

Noun. It's definitely slang. Think British.

Now grunt. Grunt and make it convincing.

Now Marianne had a new cause celebre.

Now that I knew there were decent and goodhearted people out there...

Now you didn't.

Now you try. You try.

Now, if you're sent to me one more time...

Now, isn't that always the way?

Now, out.

Now, thankfully, we're the much less intimidating...

Obviously they don't care.

Oh, God.

Oh, happy day, Mama!

Oh, I agree, wholeheartedly. But, then... Now, tell me this.

Oh, I have 17 years' worth of anecdotal proof he does.

Oh, my God, dude.

Oh, my God, that was Melody Bostic's house.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Did you hear that Brandon ran away from home?

Oh, my God. I'm just trying to mix it up a little.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Goddamn it.

Oh, my God. The illusion is shattered.

Oh, no, no, no. No, he was a freshman in college.

Oh, no.

Oh, okay. Oh, this'll be good. All right.

Oh, rats.

Oh, the Christian Church recognizes the existence of hell.

Oh, well, rest assured, it was equally as thrilling for me.

Oh, yeah, right. Your secret's safe with me, you little sex monkey.

Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yes, they are.

Oh, you have no idea.

Oh, you know what? I'm wrong. It was the second time.

Oh, you really do. Here you go.

Oh, you too.

Okay, door's right over there. Keep going.

Okay, I've narrowed it down to The Other Boleyn Girl...

Okay, it's The Bucket List. This is it.

Okay, okay. Wait, wait. So are you going to see him again?

Okay, she can't see us. Check. Check.

Okay.

Okay. Don't get me wrong because I love it...

Okay. It didn't happen.

Okay. It's a date, then.

Okay. So why was he blubbering like a baby?

Okay. What's his name, then?

Olive, do we need to have the talk again?

Olive, do what you gotta do. Okay?

Olive, life is full of choices.

Olive, you're attempting to make a statement.

Olive!

Olive.

Olive. Olive Penderghast!

Olive. Olive Penderghast.

Or actually, no. No, not really. No, I didn't.

Or I could just tell everyone the truth and get you fired and put in jail.

Or is lying about adultery just like double whammy? Sorry.

Or that I should be out with you.

Or we could just go to The Lobster Shack...

Part five.

Penderghast.

People hear you had sex once and, bam, you're a bimbo.

People thought I was a dirty skank?

People were jumping up and down to say they'd slept with me...

Perfect. Just perfect.

Perhaps you should embroider a red A on your wardrobe, abominable tramp.

Perhaps you should get a wardrobe, you abominable twat.

Phil Lord gave me 100 bucks from Best Buy...

Please tell me the rumors are true.

Please, please, I'm begging you. I will pay you. I'll pay you.

Plus I really wanted my own awesome musical number...

Preferably one with a really awesome musical number...

Pretty cutting edge stuff, huh? A high school girl feeling anonymous.

Principal Gibbons is a homophobe, which is why I called him a fascist.

Pulverized blister beetle. What?

Push it up.

Raise the roof.

Really do it right this time.

Really? Do you wanna go out with me?

Rhi and I don't have anything in common.

Rhi? I need to tell you something.

Rhiannon is what you'd call a strong personality.

Rhiannon, Olive, go hit the books. They don't hit back.

Right below our feet, right above the Orient. It's there.

Roman is having an okay day...

Screw all these people, Olive.

Screw them. They've had enough of you. Figuratively speaking.

See? All right, that's the spirit. Everything's gonna be okay.

Seems as if someone's practicing the mundane activities...

Seriously, thanks.

Seriously? A coupon? Twenty percent off to Bath & Body Works?

Sharpening them up? Look at you. Look at you. So sharp.

Sharpening those pencils. Sharp, sharp, sharp.

Sharpening your pencils?

She asked me to come camping with her family...

She curses like a Somali sailor. Bi...

She is the most popular girl in school.

She just smacked the bejesus out of me.

She'll do stuff for money. Around the world...

She'll do stuff for money. Around the world...

She's been in love with you since 1st grade.

Shit.

Shit.

Shit.

Should we be kind of worried a little?

Should've seen that one coming.

Shouldn't have had coffee three weeks ago.

Single spaced.

Sit down.

So Brandy Carter was telling Vanessa Hodges...

So does this have anything to do with the rumor...

So here we go.

So I actually felt it was quite apropos.

So I gotta go.

So I lied and told her I couldn't go...

So I was just wondering, is that wrong?

So I went to find an expert.

So if we didn't do anything, could you still tell people we kissed?

So if you're still with me, and I'm hoping that most of you are...

So instead of all that...

So it was time to put an end to all this once and for all...

So let the record show that I, Olive Penderghast...

So nice. What is that, lavender? It's pretty.

So now everyone that knows the truth is either gone or they won't fess up.

So please, just help me.

So should I still bring the Sylvia Plath or?

So the next day I had detention...

So the rumors are true.

So they got Rhiannon.

So why am I just meeting you?

So you're saying I shouldn't really have sex?

So, clearly Nathaniel Hawthorne is a complex writer.

So, what we're all gonna take away from this:

So, what's going on, honey?

So, what's with your new look? Very whore couture.

So...

Sometimes, even when a man and a woman love each other very much...

Sorry I said it, honestly.

Sorry you said it or sorry you got caught?

Spanish fly. Spanish fly. You've heard of this? Yes?

Start a petition to get rid of the lead paint.

Start a petition to get rid of the lead paint.

Stay golden.

Stop!

Stop.

Stop. Can you stop? Don't show me.

Tallywhacker? Termagant?

Tell him he is an ass and he owes me so big for this, but also...

Tell me now or I will kill you right here.

Tell me to say 10 Hail Marys, pay a fine...

Tell me you left a mark on that scrunched up face of hers?

Tell me.

Ten, if you count Religion of Other Cultures, which you didn't...

Thank you for coming in.

Thank you for coming in.

Thank you, Mom.

Thank you.

Thanks for asking.

Thanks, Olive.

That almost rhymed.

That bitch!

That bitch.

That boy from yesterday just dropped this off for you.

That can't pass any test he takes at all?

That does not surprise me.

That is so beautiful.

That is totally false.

That is your identifier.

That Roman. Incorrigible.

That snotty, Jesus freak office aide I have...

That was a joke.

That was a joke.

That was...

That's a mighty snug little shelter, Huck.

That's an A, honey.

That's good, honey, but everything has spell check these days, so...

That's groundbreaking. You should teach a course at The Learning Annex.

That's how I do, as they say.

That's in bestsellers, right next to Twilight.

That's it. I have to tell them.

That's just perfect.

That's not gonna make people think you're straight.

That's not the girl everyone's talking about, is it?

That's not true at all.

That's right. Love you. Come here.

That's the beauty of being a girl in high school.

That's the one thing that trumps religion: Capitalism.

That's the problem.

That's the worst song ever.

That's what everyone is saying happened.

That's what I'm talking about!

That's what I've heard, anyway.

The books you read in class always have some strong connection...

The Bucket List, The Bucket List.

The first time was back in 8th grade...

The **** and I have a lot in common.

The kind that does it, or the kind that does it...

The messed up thing is I would not put it past Principal Gibbons to expel me.

The next day, things took a turn for the scandalous...

The nurse didn't know what was wrong.

The pill is not 100 percent effective.

The rumors of my promiscuity have been greatly exaggerated.

The same. But I don't say it out loud lest someone get the wrong idea.

The shudder inducing and cliched, however totally false account...

The stable and self perpetuating end stage...

Then I can be whoever I wanna be. I get that.

Then let's Bucket List this bitch.

There is. Just so we're clear.

There were a lot of people walking past. Someone could've easily seen.

There, there.

There's a higher power that will judge you for your indecency.

There's a young man here to see you.

There's only one way around it. You were smart enough to think of it.

They had an expiration date and were only good...

They put you in the gas chamber if you take your head off at Disney World.

They sense any weakness, they pounce like jungle cats.

They're all lies, but she could use somebody to talk to anyway.

This is foul.

This is legal. It's legal because he's been here forever, okay?

This is public school.

This is the first time I've done anything remotely misbehavioral.

This is the greatest decision.

This really funny thing...

This was just a free preview.

Those kind, but they were, like, sexy Glade candles.

Though it sure started out that way.

To say that one was freely adapted is a bit of an understatement, guvnor.

To say this whole thing had taken over my life...

Today we had yet another one of our ridiculous pep rallies.

Todd and I were thrown together in Seven Minutes of Heaven.

Todd convinced the band to play the sexiest song in their repertoire.

Todd, hi.

Tom Cruise?

Tragedy struck in Wood Shop.

True, but you said I should pretend to be straight, so...

Truthfully, and I'll deny it if you say anything...

Wait a minute. A hundred bucks for second base?

Wait, hold on a second. How do you feel about me?

Wait, wait. I can pay you.

Wait. Why are you even being so nice to me?

Wait. You... Oh, my God.

Way prior.

We are not friends anymore.

We are officially over.

We did it.

We did not have sex, okay?

We grew it in our victory garden.

We haven't slept together in months.

We haven't talked in a while. How have you been, Brandon?

We love you no matter what the sexual orientation...

We made our choices. Now, we just have to let it ride.

We promise.

We're lucky that this is not a common occurrence.

We're not dating, Mom.

We've had nine classes together since kindergarten.

Well, be careful, all right?

Well, but you're perpetuating it. That's really messed up.

Well, do you think I'm a dirty skank?

Well, faster than the first rumor about me spread.

Well, I mean, like, do you wanna be my girlfriend?

Well, I was really hoping to get an A. Get it?

Well, I'm not.

Well, it's just what I thought. Chlamydia.

Well, put it in the pile of gifts from my other suitors.

Well, then I guess that... I guess that's true.

Well, then you've gotta do everything you can to blend in...

Well, those are true. I am considering becoming an existentialist.

Well, well, let's just say I'll be walking funny tomorrow.

Well, what did it start with?

Well, yeah, come on. Who doesn't remember their first almost kiss?

What are you doing?

What are you doing? I paid you.

What did you have in mind?

What did you say?

What do you think I have down there, a gnome?

What do you think you're doing? Get to my office right now.

What if I told you I wanna be dragged into it?

What is the Catholic way of phrasing this?

What other complete and total idiot can say that's happened to them?

What the hell are you looking at, Sister Christian?

What we have to realize...

What you heard in the bathroom the other day wasn't true at all.

What?

What?

What?

What? Everyone called you a slut?

What? Oh, my God. Who told you?

What? What do you want? What do you want?

What'd you let him do?

What's a twit?

What's a...? What's an anagram?

What's going on?

What's the rumor mill churning out these days? Anything interesting?

What's to say? Everybody thinks I'm a whore...

What's up?

What's up?

Whatever 200 bucks gets me.

Whatever happened to chivalry?

When did teachers become privy to idle adolescent gossip?

When people thought I'd kissed someone, they didn't care.

When will high school end already?

Where are you from originally?

Where do I even start?

Where were you two weeks ago?

Which brings us to part two.

Which is really just my obnoxious way of saying that lies travel fast.

Who am I? What does it all mean? Why am I here? Blah.

Who gives a rat's ass?

Who have you been screwing? Tell me.

Who said that?

Who would you believe? Who would you believe?

Who would you believe? Who?

Who's going to believe me?

Why are you all of a sudden into me now?

Why are you doing this?

Why can't we watch a movie for kids? You always get to pick.

Why didn't that rumor spread?

Why didn't you tell me you were going?

Why do you want us to take a bullet if anyone asks if you were here?

Why does that matter? I'm adopted.

Why don't you ask yourself, if you were an adult, who would you believe?

Why now?

With all the mythical play I was getting...

With an incontrovertible sense of humor.

With my words, even though they were true, I ended a marriage.

Women oftentimes don't show symptoms.

Woodchucks!

Woodchucks.

Yeah, about that? It's... That's actually not what you think.

Yeah, and I got pumpkin all over my dress too.

Yeah, but even dressed as a woodchuck, I still fantasize about him.

Yeah, I didn't mean with me.

Yeah, I know that. I got that V where you'd rather see a P.

Yeah, I was just wondering if there's a minister around.

Yeah, it was... I think it was, like, a year after that or something.

Yeah, Mrs. Griffith was pure evil, but I still shouldn't have done what I did.

Yeah, sorry. How's it going?

Yeah, totally. He left his parents a note that said, I'm gay, bitches...

Yeah, what's up?

Yeah, yeah. And you're Marianne.

Yeah, you're not really my type either.

Yeah!

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. I got it all under control.

Yeah. I'm... See? I'm the guidance counselor.

Yeah. Listen, I'm not the one that you have to answer to...

Yeah. You pick Family Member of the Week.

Yes, I believe so. If I was a Gossip Girl

Yes, I do. He goes to college with my brother.

Yes, I had unwittingly sought advice from the father...

Yes, sir. Yes.

Yes!

Yes!

Yes. Yes.

Yes. Yes. I am a big, fat slut.

You all right, buddy?

You and I are going together. All right?

You are on crack. All right? And not the good kind.

You are repugnant.

You completely missed the point.

You don't know him.

You don't understand how hard it is, all right? I'm tormented.

You guys are my buddies.

You guys know that I was here all weekend, right?

You have to do everything I say and tell everyone that I am sensational.

You heard what happened at Melody Bostic's.

You heard what happened at Melody Bostic's.

You know Rhiannon. She's perpetually angry.

You know that I didn't have sex with a college guy, right?

You know that. Right between the eyes.

You know what else you're not supposed to do, is sleep with them.

You know what? This is not the answer at all.

You know, and then my mom tells Marianne's mom.

You know, I did hear something. I also heard he was twice your age.

You know, I'm...

You know, I'm...

You know, it might be five minutes from now or tonight...

You know, it's a gateway knife, so...

You know, not really. Not really. It's a little low on grist.

You know, nothing you're saying is making me feel any better.

You know, sometimes I pretend you were my first real kiss.

You know, sometimes our boyfriend's parents...

You know, the sad thing is, Evan...

You know, there is concern from a few faculty members.

You know, these are bad for you.

You know, you call me bitch a lot. Okay?

You left your glass slipper at the party the other night.

You liar. You totally lost your V card to him.

You look really beautiful.

You might wanna talk to Mrs. Griffith...

You said something, so I came back.

You should know that my marriage is not great.

You too.

You wanna know what my problem is?

You wanna maintain this floozy facade.

You want some dessert?

You're being pretty cavalier about this.

You're going down, Olive.

You're going to hell!

You're just burning through a lot of topics really fast.

You're just saying sounds. Those are sounds.

You're not heading in the right direction.

You're not supposed to comment on it.

You're pissing me off more than usual.

You're supposed to use that kind of language in front of a student.

You're up, hoss.

You're wonderful.

You've made your bed.

Your husband.

Your Maine lobster with crab and seafood stuffing.

Your wife has chlamydia, and she's sleeping with a student...

Yup.

...and still in high school? Not that it's any of your business...

...Hawthorne wrote about. You are one of the few that read it.

...that you didn't want me to say. That's not necessary.

...throwing your cat at everybody. I'm not throwing my cat at everybody.

...you need to advertise, Kurt. Sorry. But I was.

...your teeth will bleed. Can you do it in front of everyone?

A boy? A boy.

Absolutely not. Think about it. Think about it.

All right, bye. Yeah. Bye.

Am I talking too much? No.

And you and I do? Yeah.

And you and I do? Yeah.

Are you threatening me? I'll give you 100 bucks.

Beat it, ese. Okay.

Bed without supper, I guess. But I'm already finished.

But that is comforting. That's how I am, how I roll.

Bye bye. Bye bye.

Bye now. I dated a homosexual once.

Bye. Bi ? What is bi ?

Can I help you with something? The Bible.

Cool. All right. Well... Cool.

Did I just get saved? I missed you.

Do you have a religion section? It's over there.

Do you wanna go out with me? What?

Do you want one? No.

Don't stop! Keep going.

Don't stop. I'm not gonna stop.

Friend. Hey, friend.

Go. Go. Come on. Come on. Okay.

God, that's sharp. I... Hey, Olive. You ready to come in?

God. Two frames, really? Sorry.

Good night, Olive. Good night, Lobster Todd.

Good. I think so.

He was sweet. He was... Of course.

Hey, Anson. Hey.

Hey, you all right? I just have something in my eye.

Hi, Mrs. Griffith. Hi, you. How are you?

How do you do that? What?

How do you feel about me? And here I am feeling so bad.

I could get my leg so far back. No, no, no. Stop it.

I don't know what any of that means. That's because you're a virgin.

I like the pants. Thank you. They're Costco.

I love The Lobster Shack. Good.

I missed you. Oh, I missed you more.

I think I'm in love with you. Okay.

I was there. I heard the whole thing. That's not something...

I was there. I heard the whole thing. That's not something...

I will take that challenge. Do it.

I'm accessorizing. Really?

I'm drunk. What's up, bitches? Yeah!

I'm gonna go. You sure?

I'm here. Can I get you a beer?

I'm here. Can I get you a beer?

I'm jealous. Thank you.

I'm never gonna go through puberty. Course you will.

It doesn't really smell that bad. Oh, yeah. Yes, God!

It's all I can afford. How's that my problem, amigo?

It's good to see you. Hey. How are you? Good.

It's not a term of endearment. I want every detail. Now, shitface.

It's not true. It wasn't the left tit?

It's okay. I'm sorry, you guys. This is so stupid.

It's real. Yeah, it is.

It's true. It is. I want to die.

Just fashion wise and stuff. Off you go.

Like what? Like I hate Marianne Bryant too.

Little better. Yeah, you like that.

Micah? Let's do it.

Mom. A high end stripper.

Mom. Sorry, I got around.

No dating for you, young lady. No dating.

No dating. No dating. Yeah, no dating.

No way! No way! Just wait. Wait, wait.

No, I didn't. Yes, you did.

No, I don't like that. You don't like that?

No, it was felt. All right.

No! No, no... Stop it, stop it.

Not now, Quiznos. You're a slut.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Okay? I told you. With who?

Okay. I wanna know what bi is.

Okay. Okay.

Okay. Okay.

Okay. Okay. I'm sorry. I'm very sorry. Oh, no.

Okay. So for argument's sake... No, there's no argument. It's there.

Olive lost her virginity. Yeah.

Olive? Hey.

Only by marriage. Give it to me.

People suck. Tell me about it.

Piss off. Come here, you punk.

Probably wants to borrow an outfit. Whatever, Big Tits.

Rhi. Now, bitch.

Rhiannon's over there. So?

Right. Why, what were you thinking?

She's my best friend. I thought you weren't speaking.

Shit, shit, shit. What? What's wrong?

So you heard any word from George? Nope.

Stop. No, no. What?

T, T, T. T, T, T.

T? Let us think. T, T, T. T. All right, T. Yeah, T.

T. Oh, T.

Take it down. Go take that out to Dad. Nice.

Tell me everything. Rhi, I'm not that kind of girl.

Thank you so much for doing this. Just...

Thanks, Olive. Sure, Todd.

Thanks. He seems like a nice kid.

That's awesome! That's perfect! Yeah!

That's great. With meat.

That's not really how it works. It's okay.

That's not what I was saying. I know what you were saying.

This guy, he's gay, no? I think he's gay.

This is interesting. Patchouli burger.

Until finally... Hey, Olive.

Wai... Just... Oh, no, no, no.

Wait a minute. You didn't have...? What?

Wait, huh? What?

We could help each other out. No.

We need to pray for her. Amen.

What are you, 9? Whatever. Are you in?

What the hell is a lemon squeeze? It's like a backwards melon bag.

What? Give me a beat.

What? I want every detail.

What? She must have told you.

What's that? Olive has a boy in her room.

What's up, kid? Woodchuck.

Whatever. Deal, then.

Who told you? No one.

Who was? It was Rhiannon.

Whoa, hey. Todd, hi.

Why? Because I was a slut.

Windows. Yeah, yeah.

Wow, a boy. A boy.

Yeah? Yeah.

Yeah. Doesn't that seem a little steep?

Yeah. I can't believe you remember that.

Yeah. I would take a bullet for you.

Yeah. You would testify to that?

Yeah. Bye. See you at the salt mines.

Yes. Okay. That thing?

You don't have to be so aggressive. You don't like that?

You don't wanna burn, do you? I'll be praying for you.

You gonna be okay? Yeah, I'm fine. Thank you.

You okay? Yeah. I'm awesome. I'm awesome.

You ready for the grand finale? Yeah. What?

You sure? Yeah.

You wanted to see me? I did. Why don't you come in here?

You won't be there? Sorry.

You're a real gentleman. No.

You're funny. Okay. Call me.

You're going to hell, Olive! Get out of here!

You're going to hell, Olive! What you're doing is wrong.

You're going to hell. Just as long as you won't be there.

You're starting to get a reputation. You're coming off as a little pious.

...a club dedicated to shoving their beliefs down people's throats.

...a dirty skank.

...about how things are gonna be different one day...

...about the community garden.

...advance token to nearest railroad? Hello?

...already kind of shot that horse in the face.

...although we were kind of hoping you'd get knocked up...

...and bought a Coke Zero at the gas station.

...and calling me every name in the book.

...and doesn't have the balls to tell her friend?

...and for the first time, I'm starting to believe it.

...and I don't know why I didn't wanna go.

...and I live in California.

...and I might even lose my virginity to him.

...and I thought it was okay

...and nothing but the truth. Starting now.

...and pierce something not on my face.

...and punching her in the left tit.

...and she gave it to him, and she's trying to blame me.

...and she's gonna help Micah, and everything's gonna be okay.

...and she's really a good person, and she dies a saint.

...and some horndog guy just having tried...

...and takes a lot of baths.

...and then he skipped town with some big, hulking black guy.

...and then possibly reading some Sylvia Plath.

...and there's a fundraising auction at the end of the year...

...and we put on a little show.

...and, believe me, it's not like I was expecting, you know, fireworks...

...as a straight stud, I knew he'd help me.

...as Satan worshippers?

...at a party in a dark room who was not ready for his first kiss.

...at the stupid foreign movie theater.

...backdoor deals had me talking like Carlito.

...because I had a date with a friend of my brother's named George.

...because I think she might talk you into letting me stay.

...because it's thought to increase the size of the male sex organ?

...because it's, like, 600 pages.

...because you refused to go.

...behind a Bed Bath & Beyond really makes you a super slut.

...being of sound mind, and below average breast size...

...bringing along some champagne...

...but a lot of people hate me now.

...but aren't you supposed to say something?

...but guys just spend and spend to ply women with food...

...but he is here by choice.

...but I always thought pretending to lose my virginity...

...but I always thought pretending to lose my virginity...

...but I can assure you they're not all diamonds.

...but I gotta admit, I kind of liked being on the map.

...but I just, I don't think

...but I want it to be perfect.

...but my mom is not buying it.

...but no one bothered really trying to sleep with me.

...but then again, I'm not denying them either.

...but this is today and it sucks.

...by telling my side of the story.

...come up with some funny retort and walk away.

...Der Scharlachrote Buchstabe.

...every time she catches them doing it in the pool...

...for going the extra mile.

...for no apparent reason.

...for your depraved behavior.

...gave me $40 worth of movie passes for my pretend cowbell.

...goddamn messed up really goddamn shit bad.

...has been bitching about her incessantly.

...he couldn't find me if I was dressed up as a 10 story building.

...I couldn't help but think I could've come up with better signs.

...I couldn't help but think I could've come up with better signs.

...I don't know if I'm still his favorite student.

...I don't see how people won't believe it.

...I get to save 15 cents...

...I had sort of felt superior to Rhi.

...I might've said yes.

...I still actually hadn't been asked out on a real date.

...I wanted to be cheering with the rest of the students.

...if I was dressed up as a ten story building?

...if there's something that you wanna talk about...

...if we run out of things to talk about.

...if you know what I mean.

...if you'd been a gentleman and maybe asked me on a date...

...in every bad movie you've ever seen. Okay.

...in Palatka, Florida.

...in the evolution of a plant community.

...is besmirched and made to wear a red A for adulterer.

...it causes painful urination, fever and bloody discharge.

...it was my ass that got in trouble...

...just know that I was wrong to tell you that in that way. At all.

...like your mother and I used to...

...like, before the cocktail party with cocktails.

...listening to me pretend to have sex with Brandon...

...my favorite teacher's marriage crumble.

...my hemline has never been higher than my fingertips.

...never seems to benefit the noted, it's only the notees.

...not the Demi Moore version where she talks in a fake British accent...

...not the name you wanna scream out during climax.

...of the leader of my lynch mob.

...of your opposite sex sex partner.

...on a bottle of Juniper Breeze Antibacterial Gel.

...on booze and pills to numb the loneliness.

...or a string quartet or anything...

...or decide not to care.

...or maybe I just couldn't stand to see...

...or six months from now or maybe on our wedding night.

...or The Bucket List. Huge hit.

...or the president of the Americas!

...or watch me do one?

...or, is she still married to Ashton Kutcher, I'm gonna kill myself.

...paying me to lie for you...

...rather than say something to someone...

...remember to cross Watch The Bucket List off our bucket list.

...she'll be saddled with the rest of her life.

...so he could tell people we hooked up behind the library.

...so I think we should just put this conversation to bed.

...so we'd have a second shot at raising kids.

...so you'll come out of this much better than I did.

...sort of, you know, just chat about what's going on.

...spread around the school faster than...

...swear to tell the truth, the whole truth...

...tell him I confessed to giving him chlamydia.

...than to broadcast them on the Internet?

...that any particular food increases sexual desire or performance...

...that we will remain pure and chaste until marriage.

...that you mentioned the other night?

...that you were with three guys in a Jacuzzi.

...the Fake School Slut.

...the lies had to stop.

...the things that people have been saying I've been doing...

...their insides just don't cooperate with each other.

...there are many ways you can interpret it.

...they get divorced, you know?

...they think is gonna get them lucky. Which is funny, because, it's like...

...this brings us to part four.

...to land me in the principal's office.

...to let her know that everyone, and I do mean everyone, is calling her...

...to stick his tongue down my throat.

...unmatched by anything you've experienced, including cake.

...was in fact adultery.

...what is sexy about slurping back oysters? Nothing.

...what she says in the water closet.

...what she's doing is wrong?

...when all I wanted was a kiss from this guy I had always had a crush on.

...where teachers are called by their first names...

...where the more creative parents put on musical skits...

...where you're supposed to stick your tongue in my mouth.

...which are two concepts I am not comfortable with.

...which brings us to part three.

...which can't be true, due to the fact that you have a homosexual boyfriend.

...which has happened.

...which is every week, apparently.

...which was a place my ass had never been before.

...which, thanks to recent budget cuts, meant cleaning.

...who have ever run away with a big, hulking black guy.

...who talks about how hot she is in the bathtub, her fake British accent...

...wildly inappropriate for our age group,

...with documenting your every thought...

...with whatever angsty adolescent drama is going on.

...would be a colossal understatement.

...would be a little more...

...you know, make sure you're ready to live with the consequences.

...you know, you can trust me.

...you're gonna be out on your fantail. Now, am I making myself clear?

♪ Crimes of passion ♪

♪ Yeah, adultery, vengeance ♪