Man of the Year (2006) Edit

A blue and a red state,

A jester doesn't rule the kingdom, he makes fun of the king.

A little intensive care package here. Red wine.

A lot of guys just like to bump their car and see what happens.

A lot of people, they get the large ones. Those are lovely.

A Malaysian man, famous for pulling planes and buses with his hair,

A succubus is some sort of a demon that sucks the life out of healthy men.

According to my calculations, comedian Tom Dobbs has got 146 electoral votes right now. He's got 'em.

All bets are off.

All candidates who demonstrate seriousness of purpose and significant support

All right, go to the airport. You go to BWI private terminal.

All right, I'll try. I'll look in my GPS or something.

All right.

All right. I will address the issue.

All they remember is Nixon sweating like Elizabeth Taylor after a Mexican meal.

Also Pope Benedict has mechanized the Swiss Guard

Also, remember the best birth control, ladies. The best birth control and the cheapest is simply this.

America votes, a leader is chosen.

An outing? No, I I had something I had to tell you.

And also you could say obsessed with rock 'n' roll stars

And close companion.

And definitely don't put your faith in a machine that has less controls than a Vegas slot machine.

And definitely not lobbyists.

And for the first time included in tonight's debate, the independent, Tom Dobbs.

And he said, I think gays have a right to be just as miserable as the rest of us.

And here's the real question: it's like, if that's not why, what is the real answer?

And I can't stay awake.

And I could be obsessed with Angelina I just want to wet her lips and stick her to something.

And I know you voted for me because you were fed up with the status quo.

And I sat behind the President's desk and I had a reality check. It kind of overwhelmed me.

And if I may reiterate some of the comments of Senator Mills

And if you represent special interest groups, we should be like NASCAR.

And in his second term was better than any of us expected.

And in my case, success:

And it's possible, if he takes all five states,

And lack of accountability.

And my relationship with the voting public.

And now there they sit, side by side. They look like equals.

And now, voting with confidence.

And people of no party affiliation. I want diversity.

And reacted as a C.E.O. whose stock fortune was wrapped up in his newest enterprise.

And said, It's my choice. I do it for the Church and for the Fatherland.

And some critics have said that too.

And that is the Capital Beltway.

And that's all the information that we have at this time. I'll take any questions now, if you got 'em. Yes?

And that's why I have been a very rigorous advocate of tough security measures.

And the cult of personality.

And the cult of personality.

And then...

And very early tomorrow morning.

And when they start to put on that rubber glove and look at me, I'm going, OK...

And yet we can't educate our own children.

And yet... And yet...

And, you know, if you need anything, you call. OK?

And?

And...

Any thoughts as to the makeup of your cabinet?

Anybody who's ever been married knows it's always the same sex!

Anytime during this millennium would be terrific.

Apart from the fact that she seemed obsessed with Tom Dobbs,

Are crossing the border with bedroom sets and night tables.

Are getting their political news from Leno, Letterman, Jon Stewart, Tom Dobbs and Bill Maher

Are these computers hackable?

Are you all right?

Are you nervous?

Are you tired of having twice as many lobbyists as they've ever had before?

Are you with the ambulance? Eleanor Green?

Arm in arm, hand in hand, everybody together,

As always, each candidate will have up to two minutes to make a closing statement.

As C.E.O. of Delacroy, James Hemmings lovingly watched his stock rise.

As Tom Dobbs' manager I was as shocked as everyone around me

As word spread quickly, more and more members of Congress left their offices

As you can see, President Kellogg is winning by a small margin over Senator Mills in Rhode Island,

At 01:23 East Coast time,

At 17 years old, I beat up a guy.

At 7 p.m. Tom Dobbs, who had a successful cable show featuring political comedy,

Based on what? Guessing. Listen, this is your project, Eleanor.

Basically anonymous, but politicians are a lot like diapers.

Basically, you have a thing here where, here's the operative word: party.

Because Eleanor's theories on the computer glitch proved to be correct.

Because I haven't been...

Because it is the future that interests us.

Because it's a great opportunity. Say you were blinded by love, you didn't know she was popping pills.

Because Tom Dobbs is not the elected President of the United States. There. I've said it. Kill me.

Because you've all heard there's a little bit of a rumor going around right now.

Behind closed doors, I think they just have a good time.

Bottom line is it was a computer error. Not fraud, but a faulty program.

Boy, if she's figured out this computer glitch and goes with that to the press, we're royally screwed.

But do it alone and with an eye to the future,

But even in the face of tyranny there is comedy. Two old **** were sent to kill Hitler.

But I like to think that one thing does lead to another.

But I'd like to be with Kofi just to say, Coffee, Kofi?

But I'm just here to talk to you, warm up the audience, a little bit of foreplay.

But if you go online right now, you can buy flag underwear!

But in all three states, the numbers are very close.

But late that night she found something that seemed very wrong.

But let me make this clear we are not suggesting any impropriety on behalf of the president elect.

But NASA actually spent $28 million

But one thing could disturb this beatific vision.

But seri... Hold on a sec.

But somebody has to know. Somebody. At least you.

But soon all of your appliances will talk to each other.

But the results of the election will be wrong! One candidate will win because of computer error.

But the Secret Service wants you outta here by dark.

But they had... cutbacks.

But they sometimes made difficult decisions, sometimes had to pass unpopular legislation.

But to me this decision is a slam dunk.

But we are very pleased to have a most honored guest with us...

But we can celebrate the process. The democratic process which we hold so dear will have worked.

But what we've seen since then is that the public apparently sees him as a candidate for change.

But women don't rush the stage for comedians.

But you were voting for change, for the sake of change.

But, I mean, for me here's the basic thing.

By spending time in Congress talking about that,

By the way, drug dealers have this place booked until dawn.

By the way, that machine doesn't work.

By the way, you're not the President. Happy Thanksgiving.

Can I get change for this, please? My dollar won't work in your machine.

Can you get control of this, please? Get control of this!

Can you go see Tom right away? He thinks he screwed up.

Case closed, end of discussion.

Clearly a mental case. Hospital said she had more pills in her than a pharmacy.

Come on, where's the conspiracy in that? None, really.

Come on. You're kidding me.

Comedian Tom Dobbs has been elected President of the United States.

Comedian Tom Dobbs has won New Jersey as well as Virginia,

Comedian Tom Dobbs is leading.

Comedian Tom Dobbs is the next President of the United States.

Comedian Tom Dobbs wins the Sunshine State.

Comedian Tom Dobbs... (overlapping) Another big win for Dobbs.

Comedy Store to the White House.

Computer malfunction.

Congress decided that Delacroy Systems would have the national franchise

Connecticut and Massachusetts.

Danny, I told him.

Deep drill, you know? Get down in the mud and take it home, daddy. That's how I feel.

Delacroy Systems has completed a deal with the European Common Market

Delacroy.

Democracy held hostage.

Did you empty out my purse?

Did you forget the first time we met her, she said she was working for the FBI?

Did you meet with her personally?

Did you write that? Where's the punch line?

Ding dong!

Do a couple of those Eleanor Green jokes and we get this stuff way, way behind you, all right?

Do something new for your boyfriend. Put in a little squeaky toy.

Do you know how I might reach her?

Do you realize that 40% of American high school graduates think that Joan of Arc was Noah's wife?

Do you want to destroy this company? Because that's what you may do.

Dobbs is going to surprise a lot of people.

Don't believe her so quickly, Tom.

Don't fuck with our democracy. Don't undermine our way of life.

Don't get off track.

Don't start.

Double B, double L, double G.

Double B's before double G's.

Double B's before double G's.

Double G's before double L's.

Double G's before double L's.

Double L, double G...

Education, healthcare, environmental issues.

Either he's a hot dog or the genuine article.

Eleanor Green, FBI.

Eleanor, I... I think you need help.

Eleanor! We're going paintballing.

Eleanor? Hold on.

Endless recounts...

Eventually you get to an immigration officer who takes your passport.

Every American believes their vote counts. Now you wanna tell them that's not true?

Everybody Loves Raymond is doing huge numbers in reruns.

Everybody's gonna be satisfied.

Everything they say seems credible. And so, as it goes on, nothing seems credible anymore.

Faith, can you... Faith, can you hear me?

Fat, but light on his feet.

FBI.

FBI.

FBI.

Finally one turns to the other and goes, My God, I hope nothing happened to him.

Fired would be it.

First of all, thank you, Faith. And thank all of you who are responsible for having us here.

First of all, we don't cluck, we gobble, OK? And if it's not such a big deal, why don't you be the turkey?

Flying to the golf vacation you took with the heads of the major oil corporations.

For computerized voting in the coming presidential election.

For ease of voting, speed and accuracy of vote.

For Mick Jagger, just to say, This is your baby!

Forensic scientists say they have recreated George Washington as he looked at age 19,

Forget trying to be presidential. You end up looking like them another stiff in a suit.

Forthright isn't the word I'm looking for.

From all the signs tonight, that Delacroy voting system has worked extremely well.

Gentlemen, again, good evening and welcome. Let's begin.

Get in.

Get in.

Go be presidential.

God bless him. God bless Jack Menken!

Going into the final 30 days of an election

Good night, Danny.

Good point. But this wasn't just funny in the abstract,

Good. That's good.

Got a reporter says Delacroy's going to make a major announcement.

Had to deal with drunks, hecklers, and angry waitresses, one of which is my ex wife.

Happy birthday, Mr. Menken.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Harkin's speaking about an amendment to a budget bill. It's empty.

Have spent approximately $195 million apiece on the campaign for media advertising,

He did make some issues come home to people, and if he could actually follow through,

He has been formidable, as we've seen in these numbers...

He looks at your passport picture, looks back at you,

He may have scored points.

He refuses to spend money on media, saying, Candidates are not products.

He said, I can't, but I wanna hear them deny it.

He tried to abduct me from the mall!

He was making political points through his comedy, and it was incredible entertainment.

He went through my things!

He will.

He's by far the strongest of the independents and I'm very much looking forward to the debate.

He's dead. Let's go round them up.

He's in the debate!

He's so sensitive, someone once asked, What do you think of gay marriage?

Helicopter pad in the back, couple of thousand phone lines, staff of 60. Come on.

Hello?

Hello?

Hello? Eleanor?

Hello. Welcome. You know my wife.

Hemmings read the email

Her motives aren't quite clear to us,

Here's our first contestant. Your name, please?

Here's some excerpts.

Here's the very latest. Dobbs is running at about 17% in the 13 states where he's on the ballot.

Hey, pick up a couple of cartons of cigarettes for Menken. They're cheaper on the road.

Hey.

Hi. Eleanor Green, FBI.

Hi. Sorry to interrupt.

His staffer said, How can you prove that?

Historians have written that our founding fathers were brilliant and courageous men,

Hold on to your hats, folks.

Honestly, I didn't even think you had a chance.

How do you answer the allegations that you were arrested for smoking marijuana?

How do you get people in their seats? It's crazy.

How good the politics is, we'll have to wait and see.

How many analogies do you have left?

How many of you think the educational system is working?

How plausible is it that a woman would fix an election because she's obsessed with me?

I also have some disturbing news.

I always wanted to say that sounds like Bob Hope. Thought I'd drop by.

I am in total agreement, without equivocation,

I believe democracy is a collision of ideas. I'm not of the school that if you're not for us you're against us.

I believe her, for Christ's sake. Look what they did.

I believe her.

I believe I've got my figures correct, but it's a possibility not a likely possibility, but it's a possibility.

I came on the campaign to talk about issues.

I can't believe it.

I cared so much, and I am so full of guilt.

I could, but nobody would believe me. Not anymore.

I decided to run because I'm fed up with party politics.

I definitely was, yes. I did inhale, because I thought, What the hell? I'll inhale it.

I didn't mean to yell.

I didn't tell him. He's just making a joke. We'll talk about it later, honestly. It's OK.

I don't do drugs. I don't do drugs. I don't.

I don't know what that means, Eleanor. Listen, where are you?

I don't know where I am.

I don't know. I don't know where I am. It's dark, there's a factory,

I don't know. You know, it's not the sort of thing that I'd hear about.

I don't know. You know, it's not the sort of thing that I'd hear about.

I don't think there's any more than that, not a lot of moisture here.

I don't vote. To be honest with you, I don't vote.

I emailed you. I told you I thought there was something wrong with the system.

I feel so frustrated with the political system and my friends say the same thing all the time.

I go, No, I've done more than hug a tree.

I got a chance to meet him. Dobbs.

I got a promotion. They're sending me to Ireland.

I got it.

I got it. I got it. I got it.

I gotta play my game.

I gotta play my game.

I guess it was pleasure. It was a vacation. I'm sorry, I took a vacation! I don't know why.

I guess that absolves you of any conspiratorial thing that you fixed the election.

I guess we should get this over with at the beginning,

I had an ex who used to do enough tranquillizers to put a flock of sheep to sleep.

I had to say it. I've been living with this. I just had to tell you.

I had to tell you. You do with it what you want.

I have an eye for that and you wouldn't be on my dangerous list.

I haven't been forthright with you about certain things.

I hope this doesn't sound silly, but the other two candidates are family men.

I I'll call you tomorrow, OK?

I know it's ironic I'm talking like I'm concerned. I don't even vote.

I know it's the right thing to do, so why do I feel like this?

I know that she was fired by Delacroy.

I know this is a little out of the ordinary, but did you have an employee named Eleanor Green?

I know, we'd lose a certain amount of people there. But Chicago, the dead vote.

I left the night light on.

I like a dirty environment, if you know what I mean.

I looked at the IKEA catalog and didn't see anything I liked,

I love the buckled shoe, though it's part pimp, part pilgrim.

I made a mess. I've made a mess.

I mean, did I do the right thing or did I do the wrong thing?

I mean, I don't know. Look, I don't know.

I mean, I know I did the right thing. I know I did the right thing. It was the right thing to do.

I mean, we've had problems in other states Florida, Ohio, elsewhere

I mean, where's the hanging chad?

I mean... wow.

I mean... wow.

I need a charger for this phone that I can plug into my cigarette lighter.

I never met anybody who'd say, Hey, did you see JAG last night?

I never told you which gigs to take, I only advised,

I notice many of you with little cellphones. Soon they'll get so small they'll just be inside...

I once had a blind date that I left in the theater. I felt so bad, I married her.

I probably shouldn't have introduced myself. I'm sorry.

I sat there and went, Wait a minute. I'm a jester.

I see a Christmas tree...

I see that.

I think it has to do with the fact that I figured everything out.

I think she may have figured out the glitch.

I think that's the bottom line. In a democracy,

I think the first thing you gotta do is say you have unconfirmed information

I think we can do it. I know we can do it.

I thought I was President of the United States till Eleanor talked to me.

I thought you were gonna say you threw it at Paris Hilton and they stuck.

I took a poll, and one third of Congressmen and women thought this was still the present fashion.

I underestimated you.

I wanna do a show about gay farmers and call it Cropsuckers. Is that offensive?

I want a man who's not afraid to go in the wetlands and drill.

I wanted to look like a Kennedy, but I think they set it on George Hamilton.

I wanted to see you.

I wanted to.

I was always hoping in my own heart for a Brazilian Pope Pope Raul

I was once a healthy man.

I was thinking that would bring a lot of people back to the Church.

I wasn't sure, 'cause you always pay cash.

I would take myself out for dinner, bring myself home,

I wrote down some lines for you. They're fantastic, if I must say so. I even threw in an old Hitler joke.

I, uh, I never really sat behind a desk before. I mean, the one on the show is just a prop. This... (whistles)

I... I just want to be truthful.

I... I'm sorry.

I... Laid off.

I'd also like to thank my wife and children, who have been very supportive of my candidacy.

I'll remember this, ladies and gentlemen. It's an old phrase,

I'm back.

I'm begging you, please. I'm like a man without water. An acerbic comment, would it kill you?

I'm even afraid of NyQuil.

I'm going home.

I'm gonna clean up my mess.

I'm gonna get on the desk like Tom Cruise.

I'm gonna make a phone call.

I'm gonna talk this over with Menken. Come on, I want you with me. Come with me.

I'm here to talk tonight about political commercials.

I'm just here just making sure everything's secured.

I'm looking at the toxology report. It's overwhelming.

I'm more than confident of my decisions, my positions,

I'm not even President of the United States yet, and I'm involved in a scandal with a woman.

I'm not just a tree hugger, I'm an air breather. I'm sorry.

I'm not kidding. They grow these big beards. In the wild they rub it on trees.

I'm out of ammo!

I'm President, but not really.

I'm saying let's have real security, not just the illusion of security...

I'm single.

I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm thinking and this is just out loud

I'm tired of the Republican Party and of the Democratic Party.

I'm with the President of the US in the Oval Office.

I've made such a mess. I've made such a mess.

If everything seems credible, nothing seems credible.

If I'm correct, comedian Tom Dobbs has won every state where he's been on the ballot.

If is becoming a very large word.

If it was unpatriotic to question the government, we'd still be English!

If Mama Cass had shared a sandwich with Karen Carpenter, they both would be alive today.

If she's not psychotic she's a stalker, and if she's not a stalker she's a CIA operative.

If there really was a problem it was too late to correct it,

If there's no candles, Richard.

If this is a debate, you should answer questions honestly.

If what she says is true, I'm really not the president elect.

If you found a system error, how were we gonna fix it?

If you have a helium car and you get rear ended... (squeaky voice) Hey, something's wrong!

If you have the GPS, be very careful. I bought a Mercedes recently with the talking GPS.

If you're in bed with oil companies, you can't talk about fuel efficiency.

If you've ever been through passport control, you stand in line with thousands of people,

In fact, the incumbent has beaten Senator Mills in every state where they've been going one on one.

In high school, most of my dates were with myself.

In hindsight, not one of their better decisions.

In the bowels of the building, something else was about to take place.

In the circus you shave them with a blowtorch.

In the mall. OK.

In the Times, 60% of the voters would've voted for Dobbs if they could.

In today's America, technology empowers the public in nearly everything they do.

Introducing the Delacroy voting system.

Is that fiction needs to be credible.

Is this the president elect speaking or just Tom Dobbs the comedian?

It goes back to the Johnson thing.

It is tying up traffic out on the Baltimore Washington Parkway just where it meets Route 495,

It isn't like you were in some side street gettin' head like, uh, Hugh, uh, whatshisname.

It looks as if Delaware now is going to President Kellogg by a very close margin.

It seems that this has probably straightened out some of those voting problems of the past.

It should be duly noted, Chairman,

It started on August 20th.

It was a grass roots movement fueled by the power of the internet

It was a lot of guys in Boston going, Here's your tea, right here!

It was during a Q and A that a woman made a statement.

It was very pointed and very to the point.

It'd be fun to think about what they're doing behind closed doors.

It'll be an adventure, and you're all part of it.

It'll be the first time I'll be in front of an audience without him.

It'll take 30 years to develop. Meanwhile, we haven't got any more fuel efficiency.

It's a distraction! They point over here, they point over there they want you not to know.

It's a piece of shit idea that could work.

It's a Tom Dobbs. Is that the Tom Dobbs, President Elect Dobbs?

It's all about accountability...

It's alphabetical.

It's alphabetical.

It's an emotional issue! They talk about the desecration of the flag,

It's an old Irish tradition.

It's bad enough with the squirrels going... (nasally) Please help me. I can't breathe today.

It's been a pleasure, Mr. President. Thank you.

It's crazy. A woman tonight said I should run for President.

It's going to be difficult to assess how the American public will respond

It's gonna be a whole new ball game, so brace yourselves, people.

It's gonna be interesting.

It's gonna work like a charm. Don't worry about a thing.

It's hard to believe it's a year since we've gathered together,

It's hard to believe that many people watched JAG.

It's hard to say how voters will react to Dobbs

It's his emphysema. He has a problem with the enlargement of his heart, but he's stable.

It's improbable, me winning the election.

It's just been confirmed that comedian Tom Dobbs has won Arizona.

It's like democracy on the head of a microchip.

It's like the comic who gets to play Carnegie Hall but shows up and plays the violin.

It's my mess. It's my mess.

It's not a bad idea really, is it? Part West Wing, part Bachelor. Hey, that's not bad.

It's not good for the stock offering, really.

It's not something you sweep under the rug, you gotta talk about it.

It's not what they go to see.

It's too much of a lead in. Just the punch line.

It's true.

It's Weekend Update with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler!

It's... I know. We're not on book anymore and the cue card guy is going...

Jack, you're the manager of the President of the United States.

Jack? Jack?

Just fine.

Just in the neighborhood, thought I'd drop by.

Just so you could have the nuns in the thong and the feathers. (sings)

Kid driving the truck is from Pittsburgh. Apparently he lost control on the ice, went right off the road.

Knock 'em dead.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's now time for the campaign.

Laid off? I thought they were making the big bucks. That's weird.

Leaving it to you. Well, Delacroy's not gonna say anything, and she's not gonna say anything, so...

Let it go. Nothing good can possibly come from revealing what happened.

Let's face it, the reality is a comedian was elected President of the United States.

Let's move on. Alison, Jenny, your thoughts.

Like a good, dedicated employee, she sent an email to C.E.O. James Hemmings.

Like, hello, they've got lobbyists to deal with. They've got trips the lobbyists have sent them on.

Listen, if there's an 85 year old lady in a walker and she's a terrorist,

Listen, you could vote for someone better. You can do a lot better than me.

Listen. We're staffing up right now and...

Look at the human body. Is it intelligent? I find it more interesting.

Look at this old C SPAN. Congress is in session and no one's there.

Look at this old C SPAN. Congress is in session and no one's there.

Look, Tom, I don't know what to do... Hello?

Look, you're having such a good time. I don't wanna spoil it.

Lovely. Thank you.

Lover. Later his wife.

M m maybe I've done the wrong thing, and how can that possibly be?

Mark Twain said irreverence is the champion of liberty, if not its only defender.

May I ask why?

Maybe because you flipped out and you're in a hospital and you've been doing drugs?

Maybe I haven't disclosed enough, and that really isn't easy for me, especially now that I know you...

Maybe it is best that you're the next President of the United States even if they didn't vote for you.

Maybe it was sheer vanity, maybe it was a political stunt,

Maybe we should have dinner first before we do this.

Maybe you should run for President.

Meanwhile, at the southern borders of our country, four million illegal aliens

Menken.

Mills, I voted for you three times as much as I voted for President Kellogg.

Mm hm.

Mm. Uh, look, I'm a little confused. Is she...

More and more people are watching your show, Jon Stewart, Bill Maher for news.

Most of the polls had him with 10 to 11%.

Moving forward, because the future is now!

Mr. Dobbs, how would you explain your decision to run for President of the United States?

Mr. Dobbs, what would your position be on national security?

Mr. President elect, I'm on a bit of a tight schedule.

Mr. President, I'll just be a minute. Thank you.

Mr. President, we have that luncheon speech followed by a White House meet and greet.

Mr. President? Donald Tilson, Secret Service. I'll be taking over.

Mr. Stewart would like to see you at Delacroy.

My father was a big smoker.

My name is Miss Sogyny.

News from comedians. How crazy is that?

Next to him is this noted, honored historian who knows all about the Holocaust.

No smoking in the hydrogen... Boom! Hindenburg!

No, but he should know, don't you think?

No, he said stuff to me. Like, what am I gonna say back?

No, I know you because you're Tom Dobbs, I know you, but I don't really know you...

No, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it...

No, I'm...

No, no, Mr. Kellogg. Mr. Kellogg wants to pass an amendment against same sex marriage!

No, you have to.

Nonjokes.

Not a cough in the carload.

Not for me.

Not great, but better.

Not now, please.

Nothing but the best.

Nothing can change that. No one can. Except you.

Nothing. She left it up to me.

Now is the past.

Now, right after the debate, there was a mixed reaction,

Now, the FBI cleared up any suspicion that you knew Eleanor Green before the election.

Of government of the people, by the people, for the people.

Oh, and over 400 just for core White House staff.

Oh, but that's so weird. I never said anything to him.

Oh, for God's sake.

Oh, God. I think I burned my lip.

Oh, God. Oh, God. I worked at Delacroy and I worked so hard, and I cared.

Oh, it'll work. I think.

Oh, man.

Oh, my God! My eyes are open and I can hear again!

Oh, my God.

Oh, no. And ball players don't do steroids, they just wake up one day looking like Mack trucks.

Oh, no. I have a glorious love hate relationship with TV.

Oh, no. No, no, no. I don't have a drug problem.

Oh, shit. Why does he have to get himself into this mess?

Oh, so would fired be more appropriate than cutback?

Oh, this is so insane. Insanity, it's sweet insanity!

Oh, wait. I got mail.

Oh!

Oh! Ow. Ow.

Oh...

OK, I'll be right there. Yeah.

OK, so he wasn't really elected, but if he hadn't told anyone...

OK? And, Tom, with all due respect, how are you gonna come off as family friendly?

OK.

OK.

OK.

OK.

OK. A little cheese and pâté always good after a heart attack.

On one side there's this certifiable lunatic who says the Holocaust never happened.

One of those pump things with gasoline. You throw it all over their face.

Only one thing remains true you're the President.

Or did you fly in in that lovely helium plane? Oh, that's a blimp, I'm sorry.

Or maybe it was because Tom believed his audience demanded it. Who knows?

Other third thought I looked like former first lady Barbara Bush...

Our exit polls have only in some cases proven accurate.

Our political leaders are too indebted to special interest groups and party politics.

Out of curiosity...

Over eight million emails.

Over the course of the next week, Dobbs mentioned this four more times.

Perception of legitimacy is more important than legitimacy itself. That's the greater truth.

Please turn off all cellphones and pagers.

Please.

Please. I've played in clubs for years.

Please. It's all right. He's only annoying when he's happy.

Police said a truck lost control.

Politicians have to spend so much money just to buy TV time.

Politicians will say anything in the world to get elected. Maybe I'm jaded.

Practicing any religion you want, anytime, anywhere.

President elect Tom Dobbs paid an impromptu visit to Congress

President Johnson said he wanted to accuse his opponents of having sex with animals. OK?

President Kellogg and I think alike in this area.

Pretty much the bottom line. If I was in Italy I might get lucky.

Private terminal at the airport? I don't know how to get to the airport.

Put the big one on the back: Enron we take your money and run.

Really? Why?

Reasonable people can come to reasonable solutions.

Recently Delacroy had to dismiss an employee, Eleanor Green,

Recently, a lot of the past administrations said it's unpatriotic to question the government.

Red states, blue states.

Remember the motto It's no joke? It's no joke!

Richard Pryor in his prime, or Kofi Annan, the head of the U.N.?

S.

Says, Why did you have your hair cut? I don't know.

See the numbers? The computer glitch is happening the same way.

Senator, I think the public is pretty frustrated with the polarization of the parties

She didn't seem that crazy.

She just told me I didn't win the election.

She kept saying, Double B, double G, double L. It's like a code.

She knows a lot about computers. More than you ever wanna know, really.

She said she knew about the computer fraud, but takes three weeks to tell you.

She said she knew what the computer glitch was. Now it'll be a couple of days before we can find out.

She tried to warn the Delacroy Company and they hid it. Bad for business.

She warned the chief executive of Delacroy, James Hemmings,

She wrote that something was wrong.

She's a piece of work, huh? Flipped out in the company cafeteria, on all sorts of drugs.

She's a piece of work, huh? Flipped out in the company cafeteria, on all sorts of drugs.

She's got Benzedrine, morphine, codeine, cocaine, GHB, Talwin.

She's in a phone booth off Route 173.

She's right, Tom. As soon as the program starts and we see the candidates' wives in their red suits...

She's running away now? Why is she running away?

Shit!

Shit. Shit.

Shocked as the rest of us. Guess I'll have to clear my calendar for the next four years.

Should be included in debates. Unquote.

Should I be impressed?

Shouldn't you be giving that up?

Since you were seven.

Sir, we just got a report of an accident. It's Eleanor Green.

Sir, we've got to get you to the airport a little earlier. A storm front is moving in.

Sit.

Smack down!

So he ignored the memo and hoped the problem would go away.

So I'll share the big scoop with you, 'cause, uh, Oprah was booked.

So New York wants a comedian as President.

So no rules have been violated, it's just our little secret

So Tom Dobbs walked away from being the President of the United States.

So, if this vote holds true in Virginia,

So, we all saw you in Congress in that outfit the other day that was quite flattering.

So, what do you do when you're not pretending to be an FBI agent?

So, what do you really do?

So... what's she gonna do?

Some big story, something to do with Eleanor Green.

Some of my colleagues and I in the Senate have come up with an interesting strategy...

Some of the greats and not so greats have sat here.

Sorry, sir.

Sorry. I'm just a little nervous, guys. I do care.

Sure.

Sure. We have to walk away from those who have listening devices.

Swedish carmaker Volvo has announced they are replacing air bags in their new sedans

Take a look at this. Take a look at this. Perfect, just perfect.

Take your seats, please. Tom Dobbs will speak to you before the show.

Tell me which dinner is gonna be more interesting.

Thank you for coming. Make yourself comfortable.

Thank you so much.

Thank you very much.

Thank you, everyone. We're on our way to Washington. Wish us luck.

Thank you.

Thank you. Nice tie.

Thanks for coming. This isn't the actual show. The cameras are pointing at nothing

Thanks for your honesty.

Thanks.

Thanks.

That being said, if I had my druthers, I'd love an all lesbian cabinet.

That could put Dobbs over the top of the 270 needed.

That I should go with the Manolo Blanco, just to give you that little... (squeaks)

That just doesn't look clear to me. Another 30 minutes?

That just doesn't look clear to me. Another 30 minutes?

That reception was extraordinary. I will try and be brief, 'cause I know Tuesday's bingo day in Congress.

That said four out of five doctors recommend this brand or that brand?

That security measures have got to remain tough.

That the other candidates have had sex with farm animals.

That there was a computer glitch in the Delacroy computer voting system.

That this not a scheduled visit, it is not on the docket for today, it's not really official,

That will surprise more than a few of the experts.

That's all the exercise I'm ever gonna need.

That's going to spread one to three inches of snow right across the D.C. area.

That's terrific.

That's weird. She doesn't seem like the type.

That's where most of the money goes in any political campaign.

That's why I refuse to run television commercials.

That's why I say you can't spend 200 million dollars on a campaign and not be owing people something.

That's why we're there. We're there to shake it up, and that's what we've gotta do.

The Boston Tea Party wasn't people going, Oh, hello.

The bottom line is Eleanor Green came to me and told me

The bottom line is, they've lost track of what they're responsible for.

The candidates are: the Democratic nominee, President Kellogg,

The comment was quickly forgotten and minutes later the show got under way.

The Delacroy jet is at the private terminal. I got her.

The Delacroy voting system is your baby. You're a perfectionist and you wanna make it more perfect,

The Dobbs numbers have been increasing since the last debate.

The first time I sat behind it, I had a sort of nervous chill.

The free world will now be led by a comedian.

The funnyman has conquered the Lone Star State.

The internet was on fire.

The issue revolves around representation. The people of America are not being represented.

The next thing you know, they're patting down an 85 year old lady in a walker.

The number of rear end collisions has increased 95% in Sweden.

The old bastard's right. Look at that. You gotta be different to make an impression.

The only sour note? They won't end up with the person that they voted for to be the President.

The order of those, as well as the formal questioning tonight, were decided in advance by drawing.

The poor have no advocate, because the poor can't afford a lobbyist.

The president elect's just been shot.

The Republican nominee, Senator Mills,

The Russians solved the same problem

The truth is, I'm not the elected President of the United States.

The two Delacroy executives were arrested and later convicted

The voters should know what you represent,

Then I guess fired...

There are five more states to be counted where he's on the ballot, out of the 13 to be counted.

There are no red and blue states, there's only the United States of America. That's what we're about.

There are roughly 7 8,000 slots to be filled, 1500 of which will require Senate confirmation.

There has been one serious injury. Police have identified the injured woman as an Eleanor Green.

There is no subject matter that's restricted.

There isn't a paper trail. It's not the way the Delacroy system is set up. Congress knew that.

There seems to be a link between smoking and heart disease. Or am I just making that up?

There was a problem with the computer voting system.

There was one slogan before my time:

There you go. My thoughts exactly.

There's a plane there. We'll get on that plane, I'll take you to New York and we'll solve your problem. OK?

There's no pop, zing. There's no oomph.

There's no problem.

Therefore, there were no irregularities in the election and our safeguards proved to be impenetrable.

These politicians today look like they're borrowed from the wax museum.

They ask you tough questions like, Where have you been? Why?

They attack environmentalists: You're a tree hugger.

They bring up a constitutional amendment to ban burning of the flag.

They elected an Italian porn star to their senate.

They got me in because of my seriousness of purpose.

They got me in because of my seriousness of purpose.

They have a video camera that takes a picture and compares it to your previous picture.

They have to deal with oil companies, chemical companies, drug companies, and they owe them.

They just don't want you talking about the computer problems.

They should be changed frequently and for the same reason. Keep that in mind when you vote. Good night.

They thought I was wild in the debate? Watch me in the next two weeks.

They waited in an alleyway. They were supposed to kill Hitler at 12:30. They have guns, bombs, knives.

They'd be going through the private channels for that sort of thing. You know how that goes.

They're called the Witches of November. A storm from the Great Lakes.

They're connected with Delacroy. I think they know I broke the code.

They're doing special favors for special people and not dealing with what you need:

They're gonna let him participate in the debate. Have we struck gold or what!

They're good eating once you get past the tumors.

They're just trying to pay you off.

They're responsible to the people, not party loyalties

They're very tough about that. They're very skeptical.

They've gotta go do TV shows to explain to people what they're not doing while they're not there.

This country was founded on the principle

This is a monetary sacrifice I am willing to make

This is our night to shine, Tom. This is the opportunity of a lifetime.

This is where the special interest groups start.

This is where we are. You wanna throw it away or go for it?

This week Tom Dobbs' presidential transition team briefed him on day to day activities in the Oval Office.

Thought I'd spend the evening with someone who gets on my nerves.

To develop a fountain pen to write upside down in space in zero gravity.

To Jack Menken, an incredible human being.

To the degree that she actually tried to corrupt the computer system to get him elected.

To the level of undisciplined behavior Tom Dobbs exhibited.

Today I was in the Oval Office on a preparatory meeting

Tom Dobbs has been gaining momentum since the debate.

Tom Dobbs has not spent one cent.

Tom Dobbs...

Tom, can't you do just two jokes of mine?

Tom, come January 20th, the White House is yours.

Tom, t t two guys broke into my hotel room. I don't know what to do.

Tom?

Tom? Hello?

Tragically, he would still be alive but he insisted on pulling his own ambulance.

TV puts everybody in those boxes side by side.

Uh huh.

Uh huh.

Uh, Tom, the doctors say that Jack's pretty weak, so he could doze off before all the results are in.

Uh, yeah. Um... Is something wrong?

Uh...

Uh... yes, sir. Yes, of course.

Um...

Um...

Um... do they have listening devices?

Unfortunately, I do.

Unreliable results...

Up ahead, take a right. I opened the door and the car went, Are you *******?

Very easy, writes upside down, zero gravity. After two cases of vodka, still writing.

Vioxx the backaches end, the heart attacks begin.

Wait a minute, I'm taking a picture.