When Harry Met Sally... (1989) Edit

A couple of weeks ago I did a thing with hostages.

A faceless guy. OK. Then what happens?

A lot of suicides.

A: not at home...

About who'll get this dish.

Accuses you of being attracted to the person you're just friends with...

All men are sure it never happened to them and most women have done it...

All of a sudden I'm in the middle of an anxiety attack...

All right, all right.

All right, wait. Here. Here we go.

All right. All right. We'll let Harry and Sally be the judge.

All this time... I've been saying... that he didn't wanna get married.

Also, he's obnoxious.

Amanda is my friend.

Amanda never said how attractive you were.

Amanda's. I can't believe you can't remember her name.

An Im, definitely.

And a spacious three bedroom apartment with a wood burning fireplace."

And by the rings they will wear...

And every time I think about it,

And First Lady of Czechoslovakia.

And go clean your andirons. You don't even have a fireplace.

And here we are once again. The 16th annual "New Year's Rockin' Eve"...

And I don't want you to reject him.

And I love that you are the last person

And I said "Arthur, you see that girl? I'm going to marry her."

And I said "Well, I guess it's over." And he left.

And I saw her come out of Toffenetti's.

And I started to cry. You know, I just started crying.

And I thought I'd remind you that it's the season of forgiveness.

And I told him and he didn't believe me.

And I went home and I said "The thing is, Joe...

And I'm gonna be 40!

And I'm sitting on the phone thinking “I am over him, I really am over him...

And if you two hit it off,

And it was 34 years later that I was walking down Broadway...

And it was just as though not a single day had gone by.

And it was the longest night of my life.

And it's not because I'm lonely or because it's New Year's Eve.

And it's not the same for men. Charlie Chaplin had babies when he was 73.

And it's over 50 years later...

And lra.

And my mother, disguised as an East German judge, gave me a 5.6.

And not worry about the kids walking in."

And now I'm fine.

And second of all, it is none of your business why we broke up.

And she can sublet his apartment.

And she is ready for marriage."

And she looked out the window and she saw this man and woman...

And she says “I didn't wanna ruin your birthday."

And she would complain about how she and Gary never did it any more.

And so would any woman in her right mind. Women are practical...

And some lime on the side.

And that is the end of the story.

And that's the sex fantasy you've had since you were 12. Exactly the same?

And the apple pie à la mode.

And the clock is ticking.

And the great thing is,

And the kitchen floor...?

And the man had one of the kids on his shoulders.

And the thing is, I... I feel really fine.

And then we fell in love.

And then we weren't.

And then you know what goes through your mind?

And there was this very rich chocolate sauce on the side.

And they had a social one night, and he walked across the room.

And they're three huge guys.

And this beautiful girl walked in, and I turned to Arthur...

And this is not a come on in any way, shape or form...

And this part I remember. He said men and women could never really be friends.

And to consecrate their vows of matrimony.

And two weeks later we were married.

And we're still married.

And you don't take someone. I never wanted anyone to say...

And you'll spend your life knowing that someone else

And you're about to give the Knicks their first championship since 1973.

And, although it's not widely known, it is also the season of groveling.

And, you know, I knew.

Another divorce.

Anyway, it's about old friends.

Anyway...

Are we becoming friends now?

Are you comfortable?

Are you finished now?

Are you finished?

Are you gonna marry him?

Are you OK?

Are you saying I should marry quickly in case he's about to die?

Are you saying you can say things to her you can't say to me?

At least you could say you were married.

At that moment I knew. I knew the way you know about a good melon.

At the end of the movie.

Attractive with a good personality, or not attractive with a good personality.

B: home, but don't wanna talk to me, or C:

Back's open.

Basically it's the same one I've had since I was 12.

Battery operated pith helmet, with fan.

Because I know.

Because I want our friends to benefit from the wisdom of my experience.

Because it does!

Because it does!

Because some day you'll go 15 rounds over who's gonna get this coffee table.

Before I knew it we were kissing. Then...

Believe me, the woman saved everything.

Besides, I will make love when it is making love.

Best last line of a movie ever.

Boy, the holidays are rough!

Boy, you sound really healthy.

But "baby fish mouth" is sweeping the nation. I hear them talking!

But after work I'd like to take you out to dinner, if you're free. You free?

But after work I'd like to take you out to dinner, if you're free. You free?

But because I mentioned she has a good personality, she can be either.

But for tonight you shouldn't. I mean, Sally's very vulnerable right now.

But he was coming to talk to me, and he said...

But I couldn't take my eyes off you.

But I didn't marry Barbara. I married Marjorie.

But I never considered not sleeping with you a sacrifice.

But I wanted to make sure.

But I will get one if it's important to you.

But I would be proud to partake of your pecan pie.

But I'd like the pie heated and I want the ice cream on the side.

But it's there! It's just sitting there like this big dead end.

But not beautiful, right?

But really, what's so hard about finding an apartment?

But Sally hates baseball.

But she looked very nice to me.

But she orders it in a way even the chef didn't know how good it could be.

But sooner or later, you'll be screaming at each other

But the truth is...

But then after our junior year his parents moved away.

But they're both Big Ten schools.

But we can still date like this is supposed to cushion the blow.

But who right now would just be a transitional man.

But why didn't he wanna marry me?

But with Sally and me, we'd already heard each other's stories.

But you just can't show up,

But you looked at me with these weepy eyes: "Don't go home. Hold me, Harry."

But you were a couple.

Can I say something?

Can't a man say a woman is attractive without it being a come on?

Can't you find someone single?

Chef and apple à la mode.

Come on in.

Coming to you live...

Did you look this good at the university?

Do I have something on my face?

Do we have to talk about this right now?

Do you know what she says? “I don't know if I've ever loved you."

Do you still sleep on the same side of the bed?

Do you think you could go out with him?

Doesn't matter. The sex thing is already out there, so the friendship is doomed.

Doesn't matter. The sex thing is already out there, so the friendship is doomed.

Don't get involved with me.

Don't say a word!

Don't you think that's amazing? And you wrote it?

Draw something resembling anything!

Emily is "Aunt Emily?"

Emily is terrific.

Emily's a little young for Harry, don't you think?

Even Ingrid Bergman, which is why she gets on the plane

Every year I try to get from Thanksgiving to New Year.

Everyone is happy and in love, and that's wonderful.

Explain how you do it. What do you say?

Fair enough. Fair enough.

Final score. Our team: 110.

Fine! But let's just get one thing straight.

Fine. Don't tell me.

Fine. No problem. I wasn't even thinking about tonight.

First of all, I am not with you.

For God's sake, Marie, don't you have feelings? She's obviously upset.

Give me a call.

Go ahead. It's not one of my favorites anyway.

Go back to her place, have sex,

God, that's great. I feel weird when just my leg wanders over.

God, you're in such great shape.

Going to the Tylers' party? I don't have a date. If you don't have a date,

Good night, Harry.

Good night.

Good. Then you're ready.

Goodbye, Rick. God bless you.

Goodbye.

Goodbye.

Gotta go home, change my clothes and go to work. And so do you.

G****?

Great! A woman friend.

Great! Friends! It's the best thing.

Great. And you're with Joe.

Guess not.

Happy New Year!

Harry and I, we used to... We lived in the same building.

Harry Burns. He's a political consultant.

Harry doesn't even like sweets.

Harry is one of my best friends and you are one of my best friends.

Harry, come on, someone has to be on my side.

Harry, could you hold me a little longer?

Harry, I think this takes a long time.

Harry, you and Marie are both from New Jersey.

Harry, you have to try to find a way

Harry, you might not believe this...

Harry.

He always wants to have sex with her.

He didn't love me.

He didn't wanna marry me.

He forgot a charity thing his wife is chairman of. He's never gonna leave her!

He just bumped into Helen.

He just called me up, "Wanted to see how you were"...

He just spent $120 on a new nightgown for his wife.

He looked exactly the same.

He rips off my clothes.

He took us to a Met game last week. It was great.

He was going with a girlfriend of mine...

He was just the same.

He was on the third floor, I was on the 12th.

He was seeing this anthropologist, but...

He's a good guy. You should talk to him.

He's all suspicious. Where had I left Sunday?

He's cute.

He's got a big case in Newark, blah, blah, blah.

He's never gonna leave her.

He's saying that we've got people in the city who are on welfare...

He's sensitive, he's going through a rough period,

He's too tall to talk to.

Helen?

Hey, everybody! Ten seconds to New Year!

Hey, I don't hear anyone complaining.

Hey, taxi! Taxi!

Hey! You don't have to take your anger out on me.

Hi, it's me. It's the holiday season...

His secretary's on vacation, everything's all backed up.

His wife left him and everyone said

Home, desperately wanna talk to me, but trapped under something heavy.

Honey, wait, wait. Honey, wait. You don't like my bar stools?

How about you love me, too?

How do you expect me to respond to this?

How do you know?

How to live my life by Miss Hospital Corners!

How's married life?

I also wrote "Pesto is the quiche of the '80s."

I am 26 and can't remember the name of the girl...

I am more and more convinced I did the right thing.

I am over him, but I'm in a mourning period.

I am over him. I mean, I really am over him.

I am so relieved that you think so, too.

I am sure that you and I would drift apart.

I am the dog! I...

I came 'cause when you realize

I can just get it in under the wire.

I can't believe this. And the doorbell rings.

I can't do this any more. I am not your consolation prize.

I did for a while, but now I'm using the whole bed.

I did not go over there to make love to you.

I did, too! I remembered you.

I didn't know that you would... That you were there.

I didn't wanna sleep with you so you wrote it off as a character flaw...

I don't have to lie because I don't wanna get her into bed.

I don't know much about writing...

I don't know why I let you drag me to this.

I don't know.

I don't know. He's just kinda faceless.

I don't know...

I don't see that turning Helen into a faint memory for you.

I don't see that. You are the dog.

I don't think he's ever gonna leave her.

I don't think it's a matter of opinion. Empirically, you are attractive.

I don't think so.

I don’t wanna spend my life in Casablanca...

I downshift into small talk and ask where she went to school.

I followed her. Stood outside the building.

I forgot. You're a man.

I get the woman's point of view on things.

I got a 9.8 from the Canadian, a perfect 10 from the American...

I got a stack o' quarters. I was here first.

I got married so I could stop dating,

I got so upset I had to leave the restaurant.

I gotta go.

I guess we're not gonna be friends then.

I guess we're not gonna be friends then.

I had my dream again where I'm making love and Olympic judges are watching?

I hate that kind of remark. It sounds like a compliment, but it's an insult.

I hate you.

I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved.

I have decided that for today...

I have good taste!

I have it all figured out.

I have just as much of a dark side as the next person.

I have sex with them without my knowledge?

I hear he's fine.

I hope she says it before I do.

I just hope I get to say it first.

I just would've been some woman you had to get outta bed and leave at 3am...

I knew that even though we were happy, it was an illusion.

I know him. You'd like him. He's married.

I know, I know,

I know, you probably dot your "I" s with little hearts.

I know. He's a grown up.

I know. High maintenance.

I like it. It works. It says "home" to me.

I like saying den. Got a nice ring to it.

I like you with no beard. I see your face.

I love that after I spend a day with you I smell your perfume on my clothes.

I love that it takes you 11/2 hours to order a sandwich.

I love that you get a crinkle here when you look at me like I'm nuts.

I love that you get cold when it's 71° out.

I mean, you have to admire people who can be that articulate.

I miss her.

I miss the idea of him.

I miss you already.

I never had a relationship with a woman that didn't involve sex. I'm growing.

I never see it back up on you. How is it possible?

I read that in a magazine.

I rode up nine extra floors just to keep talking to her.

I said "This is what I want" and he said “I don't."

I said I would, then I didn't.

I said to myself "You deserve more than this. You're 31 ..."

I said we could just be friends.

I say "Helen, when did you call these movers?" She doesn't say anything.

I say I have an early meeting, early squash game.

I see people!

I shouldn't have done it.

I think hieroglyphics are really a comic strip about a character named Sphinxy.

I think if I don't like the way she looks, I don't marry her.

I think it's great that you have a date.

I thought he was coming to talk to my friend Maxine...

I thought it was like late '80s.

I told you. We're just friends.

I took her to a place that wasn't human. She actually meowed.

I understand.

I wanna talk to before I go to sleep at night.

I wanna talk to before I go to sleep at night.

I want you to know...

I was a head counselor at the girls' camp...

I was just walking by and I thought it was you.

I was sitting with my friend Arthur Kornblum in a restaurant.

I was such good friends with

I was with some girl I don't even remember.

I went to bed at 7:30. I haven't done that since third grade.

I will miss you. I love you.

I work with a small firm. We do political consulting. Yeah, it's great.

I worked for a prominent neurologist...

I would sit with my girlfriends who have kids...

I wouldn't get involved with her boyfriend.

I wouldn't. I totally understand.

I wrote that.

I'd be more than happy to do the traditional Christmas groveling.

I'd like strawberry, if you have it.

I'd like to propose a toast, to Harry and Sally.

I'd nailed the compulsories, so this is it: the finals.

I'll be right there.

I'll have what she's having.

I'll just say we made a mistake.

I'll just stop walking. I'll let you go ahead.

I'll make some tea.

I'll roll down the window.

I'm calm. I say "Why don't we take time to think about it?"

I'm definitely coming down with something. Probably a 24 hour tumor.

I'm entitled to throw anger your way. Especially when I'm being told

I'm getting married.

I'm going to get up for some water, so it's really no trouble.

I'm gonna start with the grilled radicchio.

I'm not gonna tell you that!

I'm not saying last night wasn't great.

I'm not that upset. We'd been growing apart for a while.

I'm not well.

I'm on your side. I just want you to have good taste.

I'm saying that the right man is out there.

I'm so glad I never got involved with you.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. This is Sally Albright. Helen Hillson...

I've been doin' a lot of thinkin', and the thing is, I love you.

I've finally gotten to a place where I'm comfortable with just me and my work.

I've got the perfect guy. I don't find him attractive, but you might.

I've never quoted anything from a magazine. That's amazing.

I've never quoted anything from a magazine. That's amazing.

If Arthur ever left his wife and I actually met him...

If I met him at the right time...

If it's either A or C, please call me back.

If Marie or I had found either of them remotely attractive...

If not, then whipped cream, but only if it's real.

If she wants to call, she'll call. I'm through actin' like a schmuck.

If she's so great why don't you date her?

If two people are in relationships,

If two people are in relationships,

If we had room, you could put your things in it, like your bar stools...

If you could take him back right now, would you?

If you didn't, you wouldn't be with me. You'd be with Shel the Wonder Schlong.

If you don't grab him, someone else will...

If you don't think you're gonna call Marie, do you mind if I call her?

If you'd asked about looks and I'd said "She has a good personality"...

If you're over Joe, why not see people?

If you're there, please pick up. I really wanna talk to you.

In a city of eight million, you're bound to run into your ex wife.

In the meantime, you're gonna ruin your whole life waiting for it.

Ingrid Bergman. She's low maintenance.

Instead of dealing with the possibility

Is Harry bringing anyone to the wedding?

Is he seeing anyone?

Is married to your husband.

Is one of us supposed to be a dog in this scenario?

It is my face!

It is so nice when you can sit with someone and not have to talk.

It is. This is Marie.

It just so happens that I have had plenty of good sex.

It might be months before we're able to enjoy going out with someone new.

It might have something to do with you.

It ruined their relationship. They practically never had sex again.

It spoke to you, and that pleases me.

It started out fine. She's a very nice person.

It was a Horn & Hardart cafeteria.

It was a mistake.

It was the most uncomfortable night of my life.

It'd be easier if they combined obituaries with the real estate section.

It's a monkey, a monkey. Monkey see, monkey do.

It's a symptom something else is wrong.

It's all a lie.

It's amazing. You look normal, but actually you are the Angel of Death.

It's an 18 hour trip, which becomes six shifts of three hours.

It's as if he's leaving a wake up call...

It's gonna be fine, you'll see.

It's gonna be OK.

It's gonna be OK.

It's just beautiful.

It's like in The Lady Vanishes, when she says "You're the most obnoxious man"...

It's like, whenever I read Jimmy Breslin,

It's my voice, isn't it? You hate my voice.

It's so awful, there's no way to begin to explain what's so awful about it.

It's the beginning of a relationship.

It's time.

It's true. That's one of the secrets that no one ever tells you.

It's very freeing. I can say anything to her.

Jess, Marie, do me a favor for your own good.

Jess, Sally is a great orderer. Not only does she pick the best...

Joe and I would say "We're so lucky. We have this wonderful relationship."

Joe!

Joe! I thought it was you. I thought it was you.

Julian is great.

Julian, help yourself. Have some more wine, whatever, OK?

Just because he owns a bar and that is all he does?

Just... let it... lie.

Last scene.

Last time I saw him he was getting married.

Let's just say I'm not a big fan of Jimmy Breslin.

Let's just say, just for the sake of argument, that it was a come on.

Let's leave seven.

Like I'm going to journalism school.

Like in a balloon...

Like it means something is missing from the relationship.

Like it's the institution.

Like the other night, I made love to this woman and it was incredible.

Like you do when you date someone who doesn't know your friends.

Look at this. Also makes great fries.

Look, it didn't work out.

Look, when the shit comes down, I'm gonna be prepared and you're not.

Look. This is the greatest. You're gonna love this.

Louis, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

Marriages don't break up due to infidelity.

Married to a man who runs a bar.

Married.

Maybe I only miss the idea of Helen.

Maybe I should practice now.

Maybe it just means we should remember that we forgot them, or something.

Maybe longer before we're able to go to bed with someone new.

Maybe she doesn't think I'm attractive.

Maybe you get to a point in a relationship

Men and women can't be friends,

Men and women can't be friends. Where's it leave us?

Most of the time, you go to bed with someone...

Mr. Zero knew you were getting a divorce a week before you?

Must've been the dismount.

My heart's beatin' fast and I start sweatin' like a pig.

My one girlfriend with kids, Alice...

Never looked like a baby to me.

Never sleep with anyone when you find out your ex is marrying.

Next day she says she's thought about it.

Nice to meet you... lra.

Nice to meet you... lra.

Nine extra floors.

No man can be friends with a woman he finds attractive.

No man can be friends with a woman he finds attractive.

No one thinks he's ever gonna leave her.

No, her face was burned on my brain.

No, I don't, but why does it have to mean everything?

No, I hated you. The second time we met, you didn't even remember me.

No, I miss the whole Helen.

No, I wasn't.

No, it doesn't start to tick until you're 36.

No, it's just a different perspective.

No, just tell me.

No, no, no, no, I never said that.

No, no, no. I drove him away.

No, they all wanna have sex with you.

No, wait. Here's what I want.

No, you pretty much wanna nail them, too.

No, you're too busy being happy. Ever think about death?

No!

No.

No.

No.

No. I don't like to eat between meals.

No. No, you did not have great sex with Sheldon.

No. That's OK.

Nobody has ever quoted me back to me before.

Not once. It's this very cold, hard, Mexican ceramic tile.

Not so good. I'm getting a divorce.

Not that I would know this.

Not the way you do it, like you're out for revenge or something.

Nothing personal, just something she's been thinking about.

Now I start to get suspicious.

Now you!

Obviously she doesn't wanna talk to me.

Obviously you haven't had great sex yet.

Of course he isn't.

Of course he likes it he's a guy.

Of course not. You're out the door too fast.

Of course she wants to stay!

Oh, come here. Come here.

Oh, God!

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Oh, God. I can't remember her name.

Oh, God. Oh...

Oh, Harry, this is Sally Albright. Harry Burns.

Oh, I went to bed with her.

Oh, I'm fine. Look, it had to happen at some point.

Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, I'm really sorry.

Oh, Marie...

Oh, no!

Oh, really? Well, that symptom is fucking my wife!

Oh, really? When I buy a new book, I always read the last page first.

Oh, sure.

Oh, yeah, right there.

Oh, yeah, she is. It's great, but what're we gonna do about you?

Oh, yes! Yes! Yes! Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh! I can't believe I'm doing this.

Oh! I've been looking for a red suede pump.

Oh! Oh... Oh...

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh. Right. That's right.

Oh...

Oh... I'm sorry. That's too bad.

Oh... Oh... Well, I'd love to, Harry, but I can't.

OK, but don't wait too long. Remember what happened with David Warsaw?

OK, so 15%o of my share is... 90.

OK, you're still as hard as nails.

OK?

OK?

OK.

OK.

OK. OK.

OK. Water.

One with a T shirt saying "Don't fuck with Mr. Zero."

Or if we forget them, should we remember them?

Or, alternatively, we could break it down by mileage.

Our expenses?

Plus, this is the perfect time to catch up on my window shopping.

Put your name in your books right now before you don't know whose is whose...

Right now everything is great.

Right. 'Cause not everybody likes it on the cake 'cause it makes it soggy.

Right. So I ditch Roberta, we go for coffee, a month later we're married.

Sally got the last good one.

Sally writes for New York Magazine.

Sally, it was a mistake.

Sally, please report to me.

Sally, this is the greatest.

Sally?

Sally.

Say you love me and expect that to make it all right.

See people! Have you slept with one person since Joe?

See, no, it has to go this way.

She didn't even complain about it. She said it matter of factly.

She doesn't have a problem with chins.

She looked weird, didn't she? She looked really weird.

She makes 3,500 chocolate mousse pies a week.

She said they were up all night, they were both exhausted...

She says Michigan State. And this reminds me of Helen.

She tells me about the men she sees, and I talk to her about the women I see.

She was just as beautiful as she was at sixteen.

She worked on the 15th floor as a nurse.

She works in his office. She's a paralegal. Her name is Kimberly.

She's coming right towards me.

She's in love with somebody else. Some tax attorney.

She's not attractive.

She's supposed to be his transitional person, not "the one!"

Shit.

Since the last thing you wanna do is date your wife, who’s supposed to love you.

Six months later he was dead.

Six years later you're singing "Surrey with the Fringe on Top" in front of lra!

So he might not be married any more.

So I go to the door and there are moving men there.

So I said "Helen, when did you make this arrangement?" She says "A week ago."

So I said "OK" to the man.

So I sneak into her village, hid behind a tree...

So it happened.

So still dating is not a big incentive...

So the guy says "Read the card."

So we're back to the rule before the amendment:

So you can write about things that happen to other people.

So you do the math.

So you'd be happier with Victor Laszlo than with Humphrey Bogart?

So you're coming on to me!

So you're saying a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive.

So, what are we gonna order?

So?

So...

Someone is staring at you in Personal Growth.

Somewhere between 30 seconds and all night is your problem.

Sorry, Harry. I know it's New Year's Eve, I know you're feeling lonely...

Sorry, I need a judge's ruling.

Sorry.

Sorry. God.

Suppose you never meet anybody, you never become anything...

Sure you're OK?

Sure, Harry.

Sure.

Sure. All men think that.

Sure. Sure. I'm just worried about Harry.

Taxi!

Tell me 'cause I'll sign up.

Tell me I'll never have to be out there again.

Tell the truth.

Ten years.

Ten! Hut!

Than finishing dinner, having him pull a hair out of my head and floss with it?

Than with the man you had the greatest sex of your life with...

Thank God he couldn't place me. I drove to New York with him five years ago...

Thank you.

Thank you.

That doesn't mean you're deep. I mean, yes, basically I'm a happy person.

That doesn't work either. The person you're with can't see...

That drifts in and out of the transom of your mind. I spend days.

That I planned to leave on the table

That I will never want that wagon wheel coffee table.

That I've marked to show the locations where we can change shifts.

That is just like you, Harry.

That is why I never do that at the beginning.

That probably sounds snobbish to you, but I don’t.

That was her name. Thank God.

That was it for him. That was the most that he could give.

That way, if I die before I finish I know how it ends.

That will prove I'm over Joe because I fuck somebody?!

That won't even get us out of Chicago. Nothing's happened to me yet.

That, my friend, is a dark side.

That's a baby, and it's clearly talking.

That's interesting.

That's it? A faceless guy rips off your clothes.

That's not true!

That's not true.

That's particularly harsh.

That's the good thing about depression you rest.

That's the problem.

That's too bad.

That's what I always say: "Let it lie."

That's what you're thinking? Is that true?

That's wonderful, Harry.

The chef's salad with the oil and vinegar on the side.

The fact you're not answering leads me to believe you're either,

The first date back is always the toughest, Harry.

The first time we met I really didn't like you that much.

The kids took every sexual impulse they had out of them.

The point is he's never gonna leave her.

The pressure of possible involvement is lifted.

The sacrifice, for a friend you no longer see?

The story of my life?

The third time we met we became friends.

The University of Chicago, right?

The vows they will take join their lives.

The whole "life of a single guy" thing.

The wine they will share binds all their hopes together.

Then a couple of years later at Eddie Collecio's funeral, I ran into her.

Then add a splash of Bloody Mary mix, just a splash,

Then one day I was taking Alice's girl for the afternoon...

Then one day Sheldon says to me "You never wear Sunday."

Then she says someone in her office is going to South America...

Then she tells you all her stories, you tell her all your stories.

Then when you say "No, nothing is missing," the person you're with...

Then you die and nobody notices for two weeks

Then you have "Mr. Klein died, leaving a wife, two children..."

There are times and places for things.

There is no point going out with someone I might like

There must be someone. Sally found someone.

There's a... There's a map on the visor...

They don't know that. They just met me.

They had days of the week on them and I thought they were funny.

They just bought a dining room table. His wife just spent $1,600 on a table.

They will be known to all as husband and wife.

This $8 dish will cost $1,000 in calls

This is a singing machine. Look, you sing the lead and this has the backup.

This is lra Stone. Harry Burns.

This is much better. Fresh air, I have the streets all to myself.

This stupid, wagon wheel, Roy Rogers, garage sale coffee table!

Three, two, one!

To Harry and Sally.

To the legal firm of "That's mine, this is yours."

Try Planet of the Dopes.

Two mixed green salads.

Unless both are involved with someone. Then they can. I amend the earlier rule.

Until the smell drifts into the hall.

Waiter, there is too much pepper on my paprikash.

Waiter, there is too much pepper on my paprikash.

Wanna have breakfast?

Wanna spend the night in a motel?

Was Marie.

Watch her washing the clothes.

We always said we could be together for New Year's and...

We are gathered here today to celebrate the marriage of Marie and Jess.

We are just going to be friends, OK?

We both looked at each other...

We didn't wanna get married because every time anyone we knew got married...

We drove from Chicago to New York together after graduation.

We get married.

We got 18 hours to kill before New York.

We have known each other a month and neither of us wants to marry right now.

We hung things, we picked out tiles together. Then you know what happens?

We married for 55 years.

We never do fly off to Rome on a moment's notice."

We were friends for a long time.

We were in the cab playing I spy.

We were married 40 years ago.

We were married three years, we got a divorce. Then I married Marjorie.

We were not supposed to meet until the wedding...

We would not be here today.

We're talking dream date compared to my horror.

Well, he's the reason I became a writer, but that's not important.

Well, I don't feel like walking any more. I think I'll get a cab.

Well, I've had a few days to get used to it, and I feel OK.

Well, it was because he was jealous and I had these days of the week underpants.

Well, it's wonderful. It's nice to see you embracing life.

Well, listen, I got a plane to catch. It was good to see you, Joe. Bye.

Well, she's young, but look what she's done.

Well, sometimes I vary it a little.

Well, that's great. Great.

Well, the next time you're giving a lecture on social graces,

Well...

Well...

Well...

Well... I don't know. Why?

What are we supposed to do? Call the cops, it's already out there!

What d'ya mean how do I know? I know.

What d'ya think?

What did the card say?

What do I have to do, be hit on the head?

What do you do with these women? Just get up and leave?

What do you have? A hot date?

What do you mean "just happened" to see it?

What do you mean? I can remember. Amanda Rice.

What do you think of Jess?

What do you think?

What do you want me to do about it? I take it back, OK? I take it back.

What does this song mean? My whole life, I don't know.

What else is new? You've known this for two years.

What has she done? She makes desserts.

What if he came out and saw you?

What if they don't wanna have sex?

What the hell does that have to do with anything?

What whole thing?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What're you doin' for New Year's?

What's so awful about it?

What's so bad about this? You got Dick Clark. That's tradition.

What's so funny about that?

When I was single I knew lots of nice single men.

When Joe and I started seeing each other we wanted the same thing.

When Kennedy was shot, she said "Ted Kennedy was shot?"

When someone's not attractive, they're described as having a good personality.

When?

Where are you going?

Where Arthur would just happen to see it.

Where it's too late to have sex. You know?

Where you going?

Which is what I'm saying to her, when it occurs to me maybe she doesn't.

Who is he?

Who needs to be at a big, crowded party, pretending to have a good time?

Why are you upset? This isn't about you.

Why can't we get past this? Are we gonna carry this thing around for ever?

Why can't you gimme credit for this? This is a big thing for me.

Why don't you tell me the story of your life?

Why you need to be friends with the person...

Why? Most women at one time or another have faked it.

With whom?

Would I have seen any of your windows?

Would you like to have dinner with me sometime?

Would you like to have dinner? Just friends.

Wouldn’t you rather be with Bogart than the other guy?

Yeah, and I can say these things to her.

Yeah, but he was too old to pick 'em up.

Yeah, but... it was a last minute thing.

Yeah, I'm perfect.

Yeah, it was.

Yeah, well, what're you gonna do?

Yeah! Nothing from her, not even a smile.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. But when I asked where she was...

Yeah. I was gonna tell you, but, I don't know,

Yeah. I was just finishing a book.

Yeah. Plus, you get to a certain point where you get tired of the whole thing.

Yeah. Well, you know.

Yes, it is! You are a human affront to all women, and I am a woman.

Yes, perfect.

Yes, that's right. They can't be friends.

Yes!

Yes! Oh!

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes. Right now is the perfect time...

You act like what happened didn't mean anything.

You all went to a Met game together?

You and I haven't drifted apart since I started seeing Arthur.

You are?

You can call Marie, but wait a week or so. Don't make any moves tonight.

You can't take it back.

You don't believe men and women can be friends.

You don't play squash.

You find out who died, go to the building, and then you tip the doorman.

You fixed me up with him six years ago.

You go dancing, you do the white man's overbite...

You got Mallomars, the greatest cookie of all time.

You guys: 60.

You had someone to go places with. You had a date on national holidays!

You have to move back to New Jersey

You know it better than anyone, 'cause after it happens you walk out!

You know, it's funny. We started out like this, Helen and I.

You know, that piece had a real impact on me.

You made a woman meow?

You may be the first attractive woman

You meet someone, you have the safe lunch, you decide to move on to dinner.

You never get upset about Joe.

You OK?

You only think you do.

You realize that we could never be friends.

You realize that we could never be friends.

You say things like that and you make it impossible for me to hate you!

You see?

You sent flowers to yourself.

You wanna spend the rest of your life with someone...

You want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.

You were a good friend of...

You were friends. We didn't make it because you were such good friends.

You were just so uptight then. You're much softer now.

You were the only person that I knew in New York.

You were the only person that I knew in New York.

You'd be amazed what falling madly in love can do for you.

You'd rather be in a passionless marriage...

You're a very attractive person.

You're afraid to let yourself be happy.

You're missing the point. I'm telling you what I found.

You're right, you're right. I don't wanna know.

You're right, you're right. I know you're right.

You're right. I know you're right.

You're right. I know you're right.

You're together, what, three weeks?

You're wonderful.

Your basic nightmare.

12 years and three months.

35 years to the day after our first marriage.

..for the City of New York. What do you mean by a "wake up call"?

..Seven days apart. In the same hospital.

..we did it. They did it!

"Don't rush into anything." Yeah, right.

"Melancholy Baby's Mouth!" Baby fish... Baby fish mouth!

"On the side" is a big thing for you. I just want it the way I want it.

"Won't You Come Home, Bill Baby?" Kiss the baby!

"Yes Sir, That's My Baby." "No sir, don't mean maybe."

♪ Baby, let's ♪ Call it off!

♪ Let's ♪ Call it off!

♪ Oh, let's ♪ Call it off!

Also, he never remembers me. Sally Albright.

Amanda said you had a dark side. That’s what drew her to me.

And you're not sleeping with her? No.

At least I got the apartment. That's what everybody says to me.

Baby ape! Stop with the apes.

Baby boom! Baby...

Baby's breath. Rosemary's Baby's... mouth?

Because they... Yes, because they...

Big jerk. Little creep.

But I never forgot her. He never forgot me.

But I would be proud. But I would be proud.

Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye.

Call me from the road. I'll call you before that.

Can you imagine that? Do you know where we met? An elevator.

Come on, stay. Please. Thanks, Jess. I just... I have to go.

Could you come over? What's the matter?

Crying baby. Kiss the baby. Baby spitting up... Exorcist baby!

Did it work? He never even came over.

Dipping you. Oh!

Dipping you. Oh!

Do you have any Bloody Mary mix? Yes.

Do you have tea? Industrial strength.

Do you wanna go to sleep? OK.

Do you wanna watch something? No. Not unless you do.

Do you want something to drink? No, I'm OK.

Don't tell me. OK, there's this guy.

Don't you experience feelings of loss? I don't have to take this crap.

During part was good... Good...

Eleven. Thank you. Got it.

Enjoy being with her? Yeah.

Fine. Fine.

First you lived with Barbara. Right, Barbara.

Fix! Definitely a fix. Pathetic.

Forever? It just happened! It happened three weeks ago.

Forget about what? It's not important.

Get outta here. No, I did! I wrote that.

Get over yourself! I did!

God! I know.

Good. I mean, it's so early.

Good. How you doin'? Fine. I'm doin' fine.

Guess not. That's too bad.

Happy New Year. Happy New Year.

Harry Burns. Harry. How ya doin'?

Harry came over. I went to Sally's.

Harry, this is Sally Albright. Nice to meet you.

Harry! Please.

Harry! What?

Harry. What?

Have you been sleeping? Why?

He always wants to have sex with her. What if they don't wanna have sex?

He's getting married. Who?

Helen went to Michigan State? No, Northwestern.

Hello? Are you alone?

Hello. You sleeping?

Here. Perfect for them. What's that?

Hi, Harry. Hello. Hi! Hi!

Hi, Harry. I thought it was you.

Hi, I'm not home. I'll call you right back.

Hi. Are you all right?

Hi. Hello.

High maintenance and low maintenance. And Ingrid is low maintenance?

How about I'm leaving? Doesn't what I said mean anything?

How are you, Harry? Fine. I'm fine.

How are you? Fine.

How come you broke up with Sheldon? How do you know we broke up?

How do you know it won't get worse? How much worse can it get...

How do you know that they're really... What're you saying? They fake orgasm?

How's Joe? Fine.

How's Joe? Fine.

How've you been? Fine.

I am so relieved! Great.

I can just be myself. You made a woman meow?

I can't draw. No...

I did, too. No, you didn't.

I didn't like you. Yeah, you did.

I do? Yeah.

I don't blame you. That's horrible.

I don't have a problem. Yeah, you do.

I don't know, but not this way. Then how about this way?

I don't miss him. I really don't. Not even a little?

I don't see that. You don't see that?

I don't understand this relationship. What d'ya mean?

I dunno about this. It's just a dinner.

I feel ill. I'm catching a cold.

I felt strange about it. Why?

I gotta go. Wait a second. Wait... wait a second.

I had a practice on the 14th floor. ..Dr. Permelman.

I had to go. He left.

I have no idea. You have no idea?!

I have to get this. Harry, we're here for Jess and Marie.

I haven't told you the bad part yet. What's worse than Mr. Zero knowing?

I know, it's terrible. Joe hated it... It's Helen.

I love you. I love you.

I love you. I love you.

I miss you already. I miss you.

I moved to the Bronx when I was ten. He lived on Fordham Road.

I need a Kleenex! OK.

I need to talk. What happened?

I never said that. I'd never say that. All right, fine. Have it your way.

I thought you liked it. I was being nice!

I was visiting family. In the Ambassador Hotel.

I went through his pockets. Marie, why?

I'll go with you. Great! Taxi!

I'll help you. Decaf? Yeah.

I'm difficult. You're challenging.

I'm going home. You'll never get a taxi.

I'm going. It's almost midnight!

I'm not depressed. OK. Fine.

I'm sorry to call you so late. It's all right.

I'm too structured. I'm closed off. But in a good way.

I've never seen her before. Trust me. Her legs looked heavy.

Is that what you're gonna wear? Yeah.

It doesn't look like a baby. Big mouth. Jagger as a baby.

It doesn't work this way. Well, how does it work?

It doesn't work. Hi.

It was nice knowing you. Yeah.

It was! Yes, it was!

It's an ape. Going ape. It's a baby!

It's Jane Fonda on the VCR. It's Bryant Gumbel.

It's nice. Case closed.

It's possible. Get outta here!

Joe and I broke up. What?

Ken Darman. He's been married for over a year.

Like a cartoon. Right.

Low maintenance? There are two kinds of women.

Marie, I'm not ready yet. But you just said you were over him.

Me? Hon, you wanna dance?

Mr. Zero knew. I can't believe this!

Must be retaining water. Harry!

Nice to meet you. Hi.

No one I know would call. It's awful.

No, I was watching "Casablanca." Channel?

No, I'm not up to it. I feel too awful.

No, no. Good. Good.

No. Did we ever...?

No. Get outta here.

Not even the pie? No, just the pie, but then not heated.

Of course he isn't. You're right. I know you're right.

Of your pecan pie. Of your pecan pie.

Oh, really? Yes.

Oh, wait two minutes. I'll call you tomorrow.

Oh, wait. Wait, I got one. Look...

Oh, yeah! Yeah, I do. Excuse us.

OK? Great! "Let it lie." That's my policy.

OK. Bye. Bye.

On the Lower East Side. On Delancey Street.

Pecan pie. Pecan pie!

Pecan pie. Pecan pie.

Pepper. Pepper!

Pepper. Pepper.

Pepper. Pepper.

Planet of the Apes! She said baby!

Really, Marie! Well, how else do you think you do it?

Really? Where?

Reese. Reese, right. What happened to her?

Restaurants have become too important. Oh, I agree.

Roberta. Right. Roberta.

See you. Yeah. Bye.

See you. Yeah. Bye.

See? I didn't let it lie. Harry.

Seeing anybody? Harry.

She moved in with him. How did you find out?

She moved when she was 11. I lived on 183rd Street.

Shel Gordon. Shel. Sheldon?

So am I. I don't see anything wrong with that.

So I'm going to New York. So something'll happen?

So she's not attractive? No, she is attractive.

So what happened? When?

So which one is she? Attractive.

So you're going with her. So?

Sorry to call so early. Are you all right?

Sorry. The worst.

South Orange. Haddonfield.

Staying over? Yes.

Ten... Wanna get some air?

Thank you for taking me out tonight. Oh, don't be silly.

Thanks for the ride. Yeah. It was interesting.

That's great! We prayed for it.

That's it. Time's up. Baby talk.

That's one way to look at it. Suppose nothing happens.

That's so humiliating! Tell me about it.

That's what I said. And? I am a journalist. I work at The News.

The people in blindfolds. Yeah.

The thought of not kissing somebody... I'll kiss you.

then I felt suffocated. Then it wasn't.

Then what happens? That's it.

They do not. Do, too.

They haven't faked it with me. How do you know?

This is from Oklahoma! "Surrey with the Fringe on Top."

Three months later we got married. It only took three months.

Three. Yes, please.

to keep it on the side. Right.

To partake. To partake.

Two wrongs make a right. How was it?

Two, please. Right over there.

Wanna drive the first shift? You're there already. You start.

We both agreed it was a mistake. The worst mistake I ever made!

We both grew up one block apart. We lived in tenements.

We fell in love in high school. Yeah, we were high school sweethearts.

We had this enormous coconut cake. Huge coconut cake with the tiers.

We never met. Never met.

We were born in the same hospital... In 1921.

We'll find something. Great stuff. Should have gone to the plant store.

Well, have a nice life. You, too.

Well, yeah. Yeah. Really?

Were not! Was too!

Were not. Was too.

What about you? I'm fine.

What can I get you? I'll have a number three.

What did I say? You said "What are you doin' after?"

What do you want from me? Nothing!

What do you want, Harry? Nothing. Nothing.

What does she look like? Thin, pretty, big tits.

What happened? He made a pass at me. When I said no:

What happens? No, it's... It's too embarrassing.

What was I supposed to do? Are you saying you took pity on me?

What would you like to drink? Nothing, thanks.

What? Forget about it.

What? I don't wanna talk about this.

What? I love you.

What? Nothin'. Nothin'.

What? Nothing.

What? They don't make Sunday.

What? With whom did you have this great sex?

What? What? Nothing.

What'll you do? I'll stay up and moan.

What're you doing? I was just on my way out.

What's the matter with me? Nothing.

When did I say that? On the ride to New York.

When did I say that? When we drove to New York.

When he made a pass, you said no... Oh, oh.

When was that? Six years ago.

Where did I read that? New York Magazine.

Where is this place? Somewhere on the next block.

Where was I? You were growing.

Where? The point isn't where, Alice.

Where's the bathroom? Through that door, down the hall.

Which part? All of it.

Which part? What I'm wearing.

Who is she? Helen Hillson. She's keeping her name.

Who wants coffee? I do, and I love you.

Who's talking? Is that Jess?

Why is this necessary in life? I don't know.

Why not? Because it's already out there.

Why not? Because of God.

Why not? I don't want to talk about it.

Why not? What I'm saying is...

Why not? What I'm saying is...

Why? Because eventually things move on...

Will you be able to sleep? If not, I'll be OK.

Would you like a pea pod with shrimp? Thank you.

Would you like to go to the movies? Would you like to go...

Would you two like to sit together? Great! Thank you.

Yeah. Seven, six, five, four...

Yes, I have. No, you haven't.

Yes. Fine. I'll call you later.

Yes. Like what?

Yes. Sure you do. A fleeting thought...

Yes. Who is the dog?

You are? Yeah.

You are. I am! I am the dog!

You belong together. You killed two birds with one stone.

You do? Yeah.

You do? Yes.

You don't. I do!

You don't. I do.

You find her attractive? Yeah.

You know what I found? No, what?

You never get upset about anything! Don't be ridiculous!

You should. I would not be good for anybody now.

You shoulda done it before. We said you should do it.

You still with the DA's office? No, I switched to the other side. You?

You tell her about other women? Yeah.

You think he's cute? How do you know he's married?

You waited three days? Joe's available?

You wanna go out with Jess. If it would be all right with you.

You went to bed with her?! Sure.

You went with her! Was it worth it?

You were gonna be a gymnast. Journalist.

You were gonna show me a book cover. Yeah, it's in the den.

You're getting married. Yeah.

You're not with Joe any more? We just broke up.

You're wrong. I'm not wrong. He wants her to leave.

Your dark side? Sure. Why, don’t you have a dark side?

Yours! Hello.

'Cause I feel really comfortable with him.

'Cause I haven't been sleeping. I really miss Helen.

'cause I promised to take her to the circus.

'cause people were always crossing rooms to talk to Maxine.

'cause the sex part always gets in the way.

'cause the sex part always gets in the way.

'Cause we've spent so much time together.

'cause you've slept with everyone in New York.

"..and she says “I don't know if I wanna be married any more."

"..I can't believe I was ever remotely interested in any of this."

"“I can sublet his apartment" the words still hang in the air

"“I'll have balsamic vinegar on the side."

"“I'm Ben Small of the Coney Island Smalls."

"“Is 30 seconds enough?"

"A man came to me and said “I found nice girl for you."

"And she said “I spy a family."

"And then he said “I have some news."

"Buenos días, Señor Cleaver. ¿Dónde están Wallace y Theodore?"

"Do it to me, Sheldon." "You're an animal, Sheldon."

"Give him some time. Don't move in too fast."

"How come you never take me to the airport any more?"

"How long do I have to lie here and hold her before I can go home?"

"I was making jokes, like “I didn't know they had food in Ethiopia."

"Please say yes. Love Jonathan."

"Restaurants are to people in the '80s what theatre was to people in the '60s."

"Ride me, big... Sheldon."

"She lives in the next village...

"Should auld acquaintance be forgot" should we forget old acquaintances?

"Then salmon with mustard sauce, but I want the sauce on the side."

"This'll be a quick meal. I'll order two empty plates and we can leave."

"Waiter, a house salad, but not the regular dressing."

"We can fly off to Rome on a moment's notice."

"We can have sex on the kitchen floor

“I spy a mailbox, " “I spy a lamppost."

♪ "But you can do the job when you're in town, brother"

♪ A beautiful sight

♪ A lucky star's above, but not for me

♪ About the way you walk and whisper...

♪ Although I can't dismiss the memory of her kiss

♪ And also lackaday

♪ And could make me be blue...

♪ And even be glad just to be sad

♪ And I finally found

♪ And nee ther, neither

♪ And pretend that he is Parson Brown

♪ And their eyes will pop!

♪ And though if we ever part, that would break my heart

♪ Are you listening?

♪ As we dream by the fire

♪ Before we know we need each other

♪ But

♪ But they wouldn't do

♪ Call me

♪ Call me and I'll be around

♪ Chicks and ducks and geese better scurry

♪ Could make me be blue

♪ Could make me be true

♪ Don't be afraid to just phone moi

♪ Ee ther, either

♪ Ee ther, either Nee ther, neither

♪ For

♪ For nobody else

♪ From now on our troubles will be miles away

♪ From now on our troubles will be out of sight

♪ Gave me a thrill

♪ Gibraltar may tumble

♪ Gone away is the bluebird

♪ He sings a love song as we go along

♪ He'll say "Are you married?"

♪ Here to stay is a new bird

♪ How to make two lovers

♪ I can be so warm and tender

♪ I could write a book

♪ I guess she's not

♪ I love you still

♪ I wandered around

♪ I wandered around and finally found

♪ I was a fool to fall and get that way

♪ If they asked me

♪ If you're feeling sad and lonely

♪ In the meadow we can build a snowman

♪ In time, the Rockies may crumble

♪ Is just to tell them

♪ It had to be you

♪ It had to be you

♪ It had to be you

♪ It had to be you

♪ It had to be you...

♪ It's very clear

♪ Later on we'll conspire

♪ Let yourself be light

♪ Let's call the whole thing off

♪ Let's call the whole thing off

♪ Let's, let's call the whole thing

♪ Let’s call the whole thing off

♪ Make the yuletide gay

♪ May just be passing fancies...

♪ Maybe it's late to just call me

♪ Me

♪ Might never be cross

♪ Might never be mean

♪ Nosey pokes'll peek through the shutters

♪ Not for a year

♪ Of friends

♪ Of friends

♪ Oh, if we call the whole thing off, then we must part

♪ Oh, the radio and the telephone

♪ Or try to be boss

♪ Our love is here to stay

♪ Our love is here to stay ♪

♪ Potato, pot ahto

♪ Potato, pot ahto

♪ Sleigh bells ring

♪ So we'd better call, call it off, oh!

♪ Sugar, why don't we

♪ Tell the one who digs you only

♪ Than any Russian play could guarantee

♪ That I love you a lot

♪ The dashboard's genuine leather

♪ The somebody who

♪ The somebody who

♪ The wheels are yellow, the upholstery's brown

♪ Then the world discovers

♪ There's a service I can render

♪ They're writing songs of love, but not for me

♪ Tomato, tom ahto

♪ Tomato, tom ahto

♪ Walking in a winter wonderland

♪ Walking in a winter wonderland

♪ Watch that fringe and see how it flutters

♪ We'll say "No, man"

♪ We're happy tonight

♪ When I drive those high steppin' strutters

♪ When I take you out in my surrey

♪ When I take you out in my surrey with the fringe on top

♪ With all your faults

♪ With all your faults, I love you still

♪ With isinglass curtains that will ro...

♪ Yes, you like potato and I like pot ahto

♪ You like potato and I like pot ahto

♪ You like tomato, I like tom ahto

♪ You like tomato, I like tom ahto

♪ You say after, I say arf ter

♪ You say ee ther, I say either

♪ You say nee ther and I say neither

♪ You say nee ther, I say neither

♪ You say potato and I say pot ahto

♪ You say tomato, I say tom ahto

$6.90.

$60 I spent on this big arrangement of flowers, and I wrote a card...

15 seconds. A big mouth.