Jim Gaffigan Soundboard Edit

Even when I tell my children not to lie, I'm kind of lying to them.

Get away from me, weirdo.

Go out there, have fun. Winners coming to kill us.

He's gonna get a wooden shoe in his ass.

Hot Pockets

I always feel like an idiot when I travel internationally.

I don't follow your logic.

I'm an adult. I make my own decisions.

I'm gonna need you to be quiet. For the rest of your life.

I'm not an alcoholic, I just need a room dedicated to booze.

I'm still learning. From the master.

Is he drunk? I think he's drunk.

It's so beautiful the way the leaves die.

It's time to move on, you know, what about my seasonal allergies?

Ohh, I didn't know I was better than you.

Really. I'm a hero.

Thank you for coming out. It is great to be here. Thank you so much.

When you don't drink, people always need to know why, too. They're like you don't drink. Why?