Louie (2010) - Season 3 Edit

A burger.

A city where people want to see me

A dog or a carrot?

A father beckons, a son comes.

A father calls, a son answers.

A friend of ours, uh, uh, died.

A good man, a generous man.

A gorilla kills everybody at the ballet once,

A half a million in East Germany

A little less, maybe.

A little less, maybe.

A million students rebelled in China;

A prick.

A test show?

About $12 million.

About what happened and I would feel better

About what happened.

After explaining to you

After that.

Ah, Delore.

Ah, he's funny.

Ah, okay.

Ah, Pig, shut up!

Ah, well, you know, maybe, right?

Ah...

Ahh!

Ahh!

Ahh!

Ahh... Hi.

Ahhh!

All back and forth.

All by themselves.

All he does is sit in that big old chair

All I know is, last year,

All lap dances are two for $20.

All right, all right, all right, all right.

All right, all right, all right?

All right, all right, I don't know why.

All right, come on.

All right, gang.

All right, good, see you out there.

All right, here's your chance, all right. All right.

All right, I get it!

All right, I got this cousin Manny, right?

All right, I'll do it.

All right, I'm sorry.

All right, let's...

All right, listen, Never.

All right, look, if you can keep it cool

All right, Never, I'm gonna leave you to it.

All right, Never, I'm gonna leave you to it.

All right, okay, see what he's doing?

All right, talk to you later.

All right, uh... Okay.

All right, well, I appreciate that,

All right, well, let's get together during the day.

All right, well, what do you want to do?

All right, well...

All right, you got it, killer.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right. Hi, Louie.

All right. Okay, I'm.

All the comics hated him.

All the time and clean up afterwards.

All the way...

All you have to do Debbie

Allan Havey in the house.

Allan Havey!

Allan.

Alone in the world,

Alone with no one near your body.

Already, I love this joke.

Always alone.

Am I dying?

Am I right?

Amazing, this face work.

Amount of perfect amount of time. Good.

An extra couple nights.

An option?

And a dribbler.

And after all that, he calls.

And again, if you can't do it,

And as long as you act like that,

And as soon as you get to your right,

And be here to tell you that I don't want to hear that African shit.

And boots, you know?

And eat pinwheel cookies.

And even though I hate to use my connection with him for...

And falling asleep to

And have you been urinating regularly?

And he can't eat anything with carbon in it.

And he covers his organ...

And he says, "I must make you a gift of one."

And his helmet in a bag with just his head in it.

And honestly, you're a great guy.

And hopefully, it's going well.

And I I, frankly, I don't know what that means.

And I like when he

And I asked him about it and he said...

And I can pick him up later

And I couldn't go after him.

And I don't even

And I don't know how to how to, uh... look back

And I felt weird, like,

And I gotta like this.

And I had it shipped to Boston

And I just

And I looked at it and it was still blurry.

And I looked at my penis and it was blurry

And I realized that it was my fault, completely.

And I realized, I'm her first asshole.

And I really went over it in my head, you know,

And I said, "Who?"

And I stopped being your friend

And I was invited to the palace

And I was talking to her like this.

And I wasn't drowning,

And I wish that, uh.

And I'll have saved the network

And I'm gonna ask you that you just

And I'm gonna ask you that you just

And I'm having it redone

And I'm in touch with their teachers

And I'm not

And I'm shocked now when I think of it...

And I've always gotten horny, really horny. Okay.

And I've seen it turn around.

And if the test is good...

And if they do, it's usually...

And if you don't, Happy New Year.

And in three months, he let my horse die.

And it was good to know you.

And it was really neat,

And it was...

And it's a drag for us because we

And it's like I was a total asshole to you

And it's like a job.

And it's not a portal to a nether place.

And it's...the line is straight across, it's not even..

And Jay's surprising him tomorrow with a motorcycle.

And just "jammy" he's going to be at

And just call me after your thing.

And just now, I realized

And look at "after."

And most people probably don't start

And neither of them wanted to. Right.

And Nelson's father isn't paying much support.

And nobody listening to me.

And nobody's there, he's alone...

And not make any money.

And now it's too late for him to even find someone.

And now you can't do it anymore

And now you're reading it and going,

And now you're waiting around

And now, Marc Maron!

And now, the '80s.

And on top of that, he stole another 100 grand from me.

And people are very cruel

And pretend like nothing's wrong,

And said the exact same thing.

And say to me, "April, thank you for helping me."

And she said, "Just the people who are in charge

And she tells great jokes.

And she's looking up at me with this face, like, coping,

And sleep together in my childhood bedroom, that's it.

And so he gave me one

And so it's blurry now,

And so it's coming out your skin and your stomach.

And so this duke, I said to him,

And somebody's "Hey, no, no, no, no, no, no.

And sometimes things happen in live television,

And still...

And Supa Loosa

And that includes Mexico and Canada.

And that's

And that's exactly...

And the gorilla's just trying to text and not make eye contact,

And The Hole is Diane.

And The Hole is Diane.

And the old one was still there,

And the whole motorcycle thing, he just he just

And the winner of my house, and the 17 $40 prize.

And their faces,

And then after I say that, you just sit here.

And then here's the worst part.

And then himself

And then I go home tomorrow, so... That's too bad.

And then I got in an accident on it.

And then I just decided,

And then I'd also have big bloody holes

And then I'm just gonna leave,

And then I've gotta drag it out of you.

And then if you're a hit,

And then this is a green thing...

And then we had that thing happen and it was

And then we'll be done with it.

And then what makes you

And then when it's your turn, lo and behold,

And then you go and...

And then you go home and jerk yourself off

And then you just refused... that

And then you'll be on with the guys.

And they could only do it today.

And they're alone.

And they're talking about wood carvings from the

And they're, like, "When do we tell our kid

And they've never seen where I live.

And ticket sales are a little soft.

And Tom loves to go long, tells great stories

And turn off and stow your...

And we get we try to perfect everything in our lives

And we're just gonna relax.

And what about the guy on the cover of the "Cham Dow"?

And what did you you were close to him?

And whatever it is with your dad,

And when I was growing up, we didn't have "Playboys,"

And when I went away to school,

And while I was in Boston, I saw your father.

And years of false living.

And you don't have any of that.

And you forget that you feel better

And you jerk off to this? Yes, I do.

And you kind of feel sorry for 'em

And you look up and then you see 'em on their balconies

And you must come, I will not take no for an answer.

And you shut your eyes and think about men.

And you want to stay down there and be with her.

And you were inside me last week, so you got crabs too.

And you wreck everything.

And you'll make way more money next week.

And you're a good dude and I wish you the best. Yeah, you too, man.

And you're feeling bad and guilty

And you're gonna go down,

And you're real smart and make good points.

And your nervous system,

And, I gotta tell ya, I feel sorry for none of them.

And, uh.

And...

And... action, guys!

And... Tom Cruise is not here.

Anna Davis didn't even know

Any new stress?

Any sound your penis hears

Anyone can lose control in the water. Okay.

Anything that you did.

Anyway, he died.

Anyway, I'm having lunch with George tomorrow

Anyway, so I got reading glasses

Anyway, thank you very much.

Anyway, we have to do a show and I already did my jokes,

Anyway.

Anyways, man, how

April, I'm not breaking up with you; I'm just tired.

Are are these, uh...

Are most likely to commit suicide.

Are we after midnight or before midnight right now

Are we gonna go get Jane now?

Are you all by yourself?

Are you in touch with her family?

Are you okay?

Are you okay?

Are you saying I'm a whore?

Are you serious?

Are you still watching?

Are you stuck down there?

Are you taking water with it?

Are you the manager here?

As I told you, we had Tom Cruise booked on the show tonight,

Ass necked idiot.

At a community college to support your kids

At an international finance analysis conference

Aw, sweet Jesus.

Aww, just like I asked him for!

Aww.

Aww...

Ay, qué sudado está el americano.

Aye ya ya!

Baby, don't do that.

Barney Ross is dead.

Barney Ross?

Barney Ross.

Barney Ross.

Barney.

Barney...

Because he did this really shitty thing to me

Because he died.

Because here's what I think is going on

Because I bought a credenza in Geneva.

Because I don't really tan,

Because I love myself.

Because I'm being nice

Because in this second that feels weird?

Because my eyes... are going.

Because that's not appropriate.

Because they're alone, you know? Yeah, I know, I know.

Because we're running tests,

Because you can't just say, "Bye, see ya," right now,

Because you eat raw meat and you shit in the tub

Because you have zero problem telling me anything

Because you're gay.

Because you're suppose to get reading glasses when you

Because, um, I get horny

Before it's before midnight. It's before midnight.

Before he murder suicided his whole family.

Before it gets embarrassing.

Being a consumer is like a job.

Benny, you got a car, right?

Between a father and a son,

Big tits and big hairy pussies. That's been in your pocket since you was a kid?

Big waves, relax, buddy, relax.

Bitch.

Boy, just, you know, I think...

Brown shot? Thanks, man.

Bubba, it's 3:00 in the afternoon.

Buddy buddy, I'm not

Buddy, I'm not drown...

Buh buh, buh buh buh.

Busted up knees. Oh.

But but

But as far as I'm concerned, we're still broken up.

But for me, it would be, to do that, to you.

But he's a $12 million slam dunk at best.

But her jokes, I have no idea what's gonna happen.

But here's the good news I am getting older

But I already ate it.

But I also have more money than I used to have

But I didn't it didn't say you

But I don't Do you have it?

But I gotta call my ex wife,

But I gotta figure out what this is.

But I guess you don't remember,

But I have a consultation

But I just wanna say, Marc, that I'm sorry

But I knew..

But I left my laptop here.

But I think we both know what's going on here.

But I want to consult with him.

But I would like to speak with him. Well...

But I wrote him off

But I...

But I'm glad you saved me. Yeah.

But instead of being underwater,

But it doesn't make me angry.

But it has the potential to change your whole life.

But it was mostly normal.

But it's also a very busy time at crisis centers.

But it's also after midnight.

But it's beautiful.

But nothing new

But spend ten minutes with these guys

But thank you.

But that's not fair. That's okay, baby.

But the piano is actually the...

But then after the show he'd go,

But this is unfair, okay?

But we can't 'cause someone will think we're gay.

But we need to pay tribute right now

But why what?

But you came over here five years ago

But you can change that.

But you can't tell...

But you could change it.

But you don't need us.

But you got to do it by yourself, okay?

But you know what, it was nice to meet you.

But you'll take the heat on all that.

But you're not coming to my house.

But you're on the back nine of your career.

But you're the only person at this school

But, Daddy! No, no shh.

But, please, Daddy, please.

But, uh...

But, um...

But..

But...

By making fun of me.

By the chairman of the Columbia Broadcasting System,

By the most excellent

By themselves.

Bye!

Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Call

Came to my apartment.

Can I Do you need the shampoo?

Can I ask you something?

Can I buy you a drink for saving my life?

Can I get a thing

Can I get it? Yeah, yeah, yeah, come on in.

Can I get something to drink or something?

Can I get up and get to a phone?

Can I get you something to drink?

Can I have a cup of coffee?

Can I have it, please? Yes.

Can I have one of these?

Can I play with Lilly?

Can someone help me at all?

Can we just do this another time? Sure, sure, sure, sure, no problem.

Can you give me a bath?

Can you go to the doughnut shop and get me a cruller?

Can you have them call me,

Can you see which camera you were near?

Can you see?

Can you..

Cannot leave this room.

Carbon?

Carbon.

Cards with you people,

Carnegie Deli.

Carrots? I hate carrots.

Chicken. Chicken who?

Ching chung.

Ching hong! Ching hong.

Clear my room out and so I would just draw tits and pussies.

Clear!

Clearly, he acted inappropriately.

Come here.

Come in.

Come on, baby.

Come on, come on! Fucking

Come on, come on.

Come on, get that thing out.

Come on, I'll drive you. Okay.

Come on, man, I'm gonna show you Miami, like, for real.

Come on!

Come see what Santa brought!

Come, sit.

Coming down, Chow Down!

Coming up, the story of an unusual Christmas gift

Completely my fault.

Cool, man.

Cool.

Cool. Excuse me.

Could be a hand, could be a vagina.

Could you answer the door, please? I don't want to.

Couple minutes to spare, so thanks. Yeah, that's good, man.

Cow.

Cuban style.

Cut off at the neck.

Daddy, ew!

Daddy, knock, knock.

Daddy, something smells really bad coming from the bathroom.

Daddy, you tell one.

Daddy? Baby, come here.

Daddy? What?

Daddy.

Dale, dale comida.

Dammit.

Damn it.

Damn.

Dao wa ja.

Dao wa ja.

David Letterman is retiring.

David Letterman is retiring.

David Letterman's been at CBS for 20 years.

Debbie, I'm fine.

Debbie, listen, I really

Debbie.

Delores

Did he have an Asian wife?

Did he just throw up?

Did not get that.

Did you were you

Did you already eat?

Did you ever go there with him? No, not once.

Did you guys see this article in "The New York Times"?

Did you have a bowel movement today?

Did you hear about Dominic Peretti?

Did you just throw my rug out the window?

Did you see that you went viral today?

Ditto. I didn't care.

Do I have any internal Ow!

Do ka. Do ka!

Do you accept?

Do you have an allergy?

Do you have any food at your house?

Do you have any idea?

Do you know what he told me?

Do you mean that you need more help from me right now?

Do you need a seat?

Do you need something from me, do you want

Do you not have it? Yeah, we keep it behind the counter.

Do you realize that you might be wasting

Do you remember? Yes, I...

Do you ride a bike in the city? Sure.

Do you want his job?

Do you wish to press charges?

Doctor, the CAT scan's ready

Doesn't matter, the economy's really bad in KC.

Doesn't that buy me any credibility?"

Don't make me read your mind.

Don't swear!

Don't tell him to fold, I want his money.

Don't tell me you're one of those guys

Don't wreck anything.

Don't! It's the "MamaJamJamSound."

Doug bought you a ticket, okay?

Doug is being really nice right now.

Doug, I didn't tell you

Doug, listen, that's really nice of you, but I

Down at Sweet Charity

Drawings of tits and pussies?

Eh?

Either way.

Enjoy your new someone.

Especially those who are spending New Year's Eve

Esto es mojo, platanitos, lechón.

Even if I haven't heard it.

Even if it was red, I wouldn't know what the fuck it means.

Even when he was killing them. That was the thing with that guy.

Every time I came to town, he kept wanting me to

Everybody get ahead of us, including Sean.

Everybody'll think I'm a genius

Excelsior C.K.

Excelsior?

Except for, once in a while, a special on cable,

Except when it's about me... right?

Excuse me, can you please tell us

Excuse me, uh...

Excuse me. Yes, can I help you?

Faggot.

Fagua?

Fagua. Fagua.

Fancy.

Felt good being sad for somebody.

Fever, aches and pains

Fight for freedom, democracy and our rights!"

First up, Louie CK.

Five years ago, you probably peaked

Five, four, three, two, one!

Folks, we'll be right back with Tom Cruise

For him anymore.

For life.

For shame.

For the last ten years or so...

For the sake of future me and future you.

For, like, 17 seconds, okay?

Four minutes and 30 seconds, which is the perfect

Four pieces.

Four years of both of our lives

Friends anymore, but...

From Boston.

From having that kind of a dad.

Funnyman, listen up.

Gentleman, for the next two minutes,

Gentleman, for the next two minutes,

Get a drink?

Get ahead of us, get ahead of us.

Get ahead of us.

Get out of here!

Get out of here! Move, move!

Get security to meet me at the office.

Get your tickets now at StanfordsComedyClub.com.

Gets a chick onstage, put her arms through his.

Gets hit by a bus,

Getting bumped is not that bad, Louie. How is it not that bad?

Give her an amp with that thing.

Give me a 20, sweetie. Yeah.

Give me a second.

Give me some gel.

Give me that, give me that, give me that. Wait, wait, whoa.

Give me that.

Given to me by my father,

Go ahead and put that gun in your mouth.

Go ahead. Jesus, am I dying?

Go and see your father.

Go down there with him.

Go out there and go get 'em.

Go to your room, go to your room, go to your room.

Go to your room, go to your room!

Go to your room, go to your room.

Go to your room, go to your room. Hey... Daddy!

God, and that cooz Lisa started her shit with me again.

God! I'll stay here with you for a bit.

Goddammit, you are crazy.

Goddamn it.

Goddamn lucky.

Going down at the "rowdy down"?

Gonna be all on a slow ship.

Good for you, Louie.

Good luck with your dad.

Good luck, all right.

Good luck.

Good night, thank you.

Good to see you. Hey, how are you?

Good, good, good. So...

Good!

Good?

Grafted off your leg dick.

Ha ha

Ha ha ha. Oh, my God!

Ha ha ha...

Ha ha!

Hang out?

Happy New Year to you, guys!

Happy New Year to you, too.

Happy new year, merry Christmas, I'm fine.

Happy New Year!

Has she been having any symptoms?

Has she been in treatment?

Hated him. Oh...

Have a good one. Okay.

Have a good one. Yeah, you too.

Have a seat. Uh... thanks.

Have you been there?

Have you eaten anything recently

Have you seen Daddy lately?

Have you told anyone about what happened?

He begged everybody to go there.

He bought a boat with the money he stole from me.

He bought a motorcycle.

He bounced checks.

He didn't die?

He doesn't see anybody.

He got in an accident.

He had this wonderful credenza

He has no one.

He hates surprises

He is all alone.

He just sits there in his place and doesn't do anything.

He just threw up on the car.

He kept wanting me to go out on the boat.

He kept wanting to be pals with me, y'know, hang out.

He might be a little chatty.

He never apologized.

He said...

He said...

He said...

He stole from you? Oh, yeah

He told me to go see my dad

He underpaid.

He wanted everybody to like him,

He was a prick and an asshole

He was alone.

He was like that with everybody.

He was my ex wife's brother in law.

He was to me.

He works with you and then, in about two months,

He wouldn't let it go.

He, uh, lied

He...

He'd go, "Hey, Robbie, you gotta come down

He'd mistreat us

He'll be at the Comedy Cellar in New York.

He's a very funny man,

He's acting in the interest of his family

He's doing really well, he writes for "Family Guy."

He's family, so I had to... let it go.

He's gonna be my very first guest tonight.

He's in a lot of trouble.

He's not coming, okay?

He's not here, you are.

He's your father.

Hello, hello.

Hello, welcome.

Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

Hello? Hey.

Hello.

Hello. Hey.

Hello... Louie.

Helping you and feeding you

Her mother needs our help.

Here we go. Here we go.

Here you go.

Here you go.

Here, ampul her.

Here, let me lay it out for you.

Here, okay, okay, hold on, I got here...

Here, why don't you eat this chicken when you're done with

Here.

Here. Oh, Jesus Christ.

Here's the reality.

Here's what we're gonna do..

Heterosexual men have a big burden that we put on ourselves

Hey Doug, how you doing?

Hey, big brother. Merry Christmas.

Hey, can you do a radio interview in a few minutes?

Hey, can you do me a favor? Yeah.

Hey, come on, bro.

Hey, Delores, if you need something, just ask for it,

Hey, Doug

Hey, Doug.

Hey, everybody, welcome back.

Hey, hey, Benny!

Hey, hey, hey, that's...

Hey, how are you doing?

Hey, how you doing?

Hey, how you doing? Good.

Hey, I'm glad you came, man.

Hey, I'm just telling you the economics of the situation.

Hey, Janet, it's Louie.

Hey, Janet, it's Louie.

Hey, listen, I'm going to see my father, okay?

Hey, Louie, can I

Hey, Louie, great job.

Hey, Louie, it's Doug.

Hey, man, I made it.

Hey, man, I'm sorry, I just

Hey, man, it was nice to meet you.

Hey, man, me too. Yeah.

Hey, man, you were so funny, like

Hey, man. Hey.

Hey, man. Hi.

Hey, okay.

Hey, Ramon.

Hey, Ross. Hey, how's it going, guys?

Hey, thanks for coming on "Chow Down."

Hey, that's that's my rug!

Hey, that's my Don't take my chair!

Hey, that's my rug!

Hey, this is my last show tonight

Hey, uh, listen, thank you, uh..

Hey, what are you doing?

Hey, what's going on?

Hey, where's the vodka?

Hey, you gotta turn on the Comedy channel right now.

Hey, you want to come over next week for dinner?

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey. Hey

Hey. Hey.

Hey. What's up?

Hey. Yeah.

Hey... Hi.

Hi

Hi, Debbie. Hey.