Louie (2010) - Season 5 Edit

A funny voice?

A la carte

A la carte?

A lot going on, and you know,

A reason to keep trying.

A stripe of wide tape and just cov

A woman with a bunch of kids and she got off the train

Aah! Aah!

Aah! Aah!

Aah! Aah! Aah!

Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah!

About 30 times tonight.

About a week later on a Wednesday. Oh.

About half way there.

About moving in together?

About wetting the bed on stage,

Achoo!

Achoo! Stop that.

Actually, can you help me?

Actually, she doesn't do it at school.

Actually, she's

After the show, he was, uh...

Again, forgive yourself. Sure.

Again, I'm very sorry that I intruded.

Ah, he don't care, he's Chinese.

Ah, he shook hands with everybody.

Ah, shit!

Ah, shit!

Ah, shit!

Ah, shit!

Ah, shit.

Ah!

Ah.

Ah...

Ah...

Ahh!

Ahh! Come on.

Ahh! Ooh!

Ahh! Shh!

Ahh...

Ain't seen you in a really long time.

AirTrain operation.

All day.

All inclusive?

All over them and just be like...

All right

All right then.

All right what I'm gonna do

All right, 400.

All right, and the two are not mutually exclusive.

All right, and then

All right, come on. Come on.

All right, fine, 500.

All right, fine, I don't care.

All right, forget it. Let's just not go.

All right, give it up for Louie C.K., come on!

All right, guys, thanks a lot, you've been great.

All right, here. Thanks.

All right, hold on a second.

All right, I'll I'll give you 500 bucks.

All right, I'll see you around, you big piece of shit.

All right, I'll see you later.

All right, I'm gonna call.

All right, it's great to see you, Louie.

All right, later then.

All right, man.

All right, okay, all right.

All right, ready? Boom, chica, boom!

All right, thanks a lot, you guys.

All right, thanks man.

All right, that too, now.

All right, that's it for me.

All right, this next guy is really funny.

All right, well, I'm walking with you,

All right, you know what? Fine.

All right, you've had enough.

All right!

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right. All right, let's go.

All right. Great.

All right. I live in New York City.

All right. Let's just go to a bar.

All right. Oh!

All your belongings as you exit...

Alright man, I'm gonna

Alright, man.

Alright, now we got each other's phone numbers.

Am I alone?

Am I right?

And a lot of them want their finger in their ass

And because I'm smart, this is fun.

And blowing my brains out.

And cut off your dick and then eat it?

And do another 20 or so

And do dirty stuff sometimes.

And every day, something happens

And every single person in the class signed it.

And he beats people up with his gang,

And he goes around,

And he insults people and people try to

And he kept try

And he was

And he was cool.

And he was nice.

And he wears all white,

And he'd be like, "Look at all the minorities they got over here."

And her daughter was left by herself on the train,

And I appreciate that you're so earnest,

And I can see electricity.

And I can't do it all.

And I can't go onstage like this,

And I don't I don't know what happened.

And I don't mean that to be insulting or unfriendly,

And I don't think I can really handle that, you know."

And I don't want to play with you.

And I got caught up in it.

And I have my own problems, you know?

And I have no one else in the world,

And I just got to... "Why you gotta bee like that?".

And I looked into it.

And I love it and I still love it.

And I pour the syrup into your mouth.

And I probably would have spent, like,

And I resent that I have to go on after you.

And I stopped her

And I think I know what I gotta do...

And I think, you know what? Let's not

And I try to be friends with my partners,

And I wish I could look at you all day long.

And I would never I would never normally say this,

And I'll buy tons of stuff that I don't need,

And I'll do exactly that,

And I'll say, "Put your dog on.

And I'm a great dad.

And I'm fun

And I'm gonna lose you

And I'm in a lot of pain.

And I'm lighting it, all right?

And I'm like, "Hey, why you got to 'bee' like that?"

And I'm proud of you, you know?

And I'm still a patrolman.

And I'm your older brother.

And I've started to feel something that, it's like

And it

And it said, "Who hates Jane?"

And it's gross.

And it's not gonna be good, 'cause they got their own

And it's sexy, you're up on stage, but other than that,

And it's, like, now I'm doing it.

And it's, uh, kind of a dif Weird, uh

And just cover your dick and balls and anus with one

And just having sex right now.

And lick 'em and schmaltz

And masturbate anyway."

And maybe they could do it together?

And most of the time you don't even have to do that,

And my heart is racing.

And my life is my life

And my mother would beat me

And not hang out with me, Louie.

And now look at me, I'm like a mess.

And now that you said that,

And now this is me asking you how to help you,

And put me in anything.

And she was beating up another guy

And she won't even take my friend request.

And so I just want to say that as I go, so that you don't

And so I'm educating myself, and it's an ongoing

And so, how many of those couples,

And so, we're using the birthing center,

And take you there tomorrow.

And that guy was so cool.

And that they were really cool.

And that's That's hard.

And that's fine, that's

And that's it.

And that's okay.

And that's where I have to draw the line.

And the clown is on the dunk tank

And the inside of all of your heads,

And the little cup with the plastic on it in the bathroom

And the person sized cum stain on the floor.

And the road is not, for me, like an adventure, okay?

And then he's gonna go on at the top, gonna come back on

And then I can see that everything is just electrons

And then I feel like if I just take one deep breath

And then I get this weird thing

And then I wake up, and I'm in a cold sweat,

And then I'm like...

And then just wish hard enough,

And then she came after me,

And then she's on the floor wailing and crying, so...

And then take some of the fish out and...

And then the next part, he's like,

And then we came home,

And then we wouldn't have to do anything.

And then what?

And then you dig in there in the front

And then you just put your mouth under the spigot

And then you went and jizzed all over his face?

And then you, eh, you go home.

And then, so, from then on,

And then, tomorrow,

And there is no better way to say I'm ready, okay,

And they are serious about cooking.

And they smell bad.

And they try to make him a better person

And they were upset about something, I don't

And they're saying there's certainly life on other planets,

And they're stinging. It was like, "Ooh! Oh!

And this Oh, this is perfect for you.

And tonight, we're gonna have a sleepover.

And uh, I

And use our own showers and play with all our own things.

And very ugly also.

And we could project it onto the wall...

And we just said it, but... Yeah.

And we're about to close up.

And we're gonna have fun. It's fun, right?

And what? Oh, you're too good for me?

And while you're there,

And yeah, she beat me up pretty bad

And you can't get back to sleep?

And you convince me we should go.

And you haven't be up to my apartment, not one time?

And you know, that's not a criticism, you know?

And you know, they always wind up

And you pull it off... Oh shit

And you walk another way, maybe I'll

And you went right back to sleep.

And you'll go to work, balls drained, like raisins.

And you're gorgeous.

And you're lovely

And your kids evolve and are smarter than you,

And your receipt's in the bag

And your sister, she hates me too, okay?

And, and, and you need more.

And, like, a bowler hat,

And, me too.

And, uh, he was at the last, uh, battle of the Civil War.

And, uh, it was good.

And, uh...

And...

And... you gotta get out.

Any unattended luggage... See?

Anything else, I just ca

Anything unusual, anything Get outta here.

Anyway, I was, uh

Anyway, so it was really good.

Appointment/checkup ey thing. Okay.

Are minorities.

Are you Are you done?

Are you are you okay? Are you okay, Daddy?

Are you Are you psychotic?

Are you all right?

Are you fucking somebody else?

Are you here for the potluck?

Are you in a relationship? You're trying to have kids?

Are you kidding me?

Are you okay?

Are you okay? What happened?

Are you okay? Yeah

Are you ready for me to make love to you now?

Are you ready to go to the venue?

Are you serious? Yes, absolutely.

As long as You could have, like,

As long as you stay out of downtown.

As your jerking them off.

Asshole.

Asshole. What asshole?

At the stop before this one,

At, like, navigating between the good and the bad times.

Aw, come on, take it easy, Louie.

Baby, please.

Back away from the door!

Back away from the door. Jesus!

Bart, right.

Bart. Yeah.

Be a general.

Beat you.

Because Checkers is gonna start playing the violin

Because I'm not that great anymore at coming up with

Because it's not my right.

Because scary is fun ruining, and I like fun.

Because that's unattended luggage.

Because then they last longer.

Because we're beyond you and naturally,

Because we're the future.

Because you are not fun.

Because, frankly, most of our clientele are younger,

Because, just don't ask him! Let me ask him.

Because, you're gonna find somebody else

Before we were this whatever y couple, sex thing?

Before? It was barely It was almost after.

Believe me, that's not the most annoying part

Better than a tree, right? Come on.

Birabba manni.

Black and white movie about divorce, can we?

Black, black, black."

Blackbottom, uh, Bottompit.

Blackbottompit. Mm hmm

Bobby, why do you

Bobby, you're 44 and I'm 47.

Bobby.

Bro, he fought in Vietnam.

Bro, he's dead.

Brown My brown coat?

Bruce, hey.

Buddy, okay?

Buster Keaton, Lucille Ball.

But around the rest of the world,

But believe me, Louie, this is it.

But can you

But he goes, "Take me to the cool places."

But I do know

But I got two kids now, so.

But I just don't feel like talking.

But I just suspect that it's gonna be boring.

But I like you, so I gotta... I have to tell you

But I see you're a big time comedian now, right?

But I thought you might want to get to the venue early,

But I wake up exactly two hours later,

But I would think that the owners of the store

But I'm actually too old to do anything.

But I'm doing this all alone and I

But I'm not dying to know about people on other

But in this case it's true, which is that you

But it starts to feel like maybe it's like,

But it's just..."

But it's not like I really think it's funny,

But it's our favorite thing.

But me, I've always been attractive to women.

But on the inside of my face.

But one choice that I need to be able to make

But sometimes you get in their face hard, you know?

But that's not somebody.

But the truth is,

But then he gets caught,

But then he went home and his wife had been eaten by a snake

But there's no other choice.

But they want to be quiet about it,

But we're done, Louie.

But yeah, right, women don't fart, you know?

But you don't know. You just You're dead.

But you got I mean, you got to give so much,

But you guys were so close.

But you have to say it

But you know what, I like to have fun.

But you're having one.

But you're hitting me and you're physically hurting me

But you're just a drag.

But, guess what?

But, stupid, you don't have me.

But... I was gonna

By a young Asian clerk.

By making fun of you. Do you see?

By what you're saying, it's hurting me right now.

By, like, prying his eyes open

Bye, thanks again.

Can anybody look at me and answer me?

Can I Can I ask you something?

Can I Can I make fried chicken?

Can I get a refill?

Can I get one of these cannolis please?

Can I help you up to your

Can I help you?

Can I please Can I just make fried chicken?

Can I please use your bathroom?

Can I say something to you?

Can I still Can I still come?

Can I... help you?

Can we go a little faster?

Can we go, please, see the French

Can we pick it up, though?

Can we...

Can you can you host it for me?

Can you believe that shit?

Can you describe it?

Can you just please help

Can you let me finish with this woman.

Can you please help me?

Can you pull over please?

Can you take the picture with us?

Can you, uh, give me your critique?

Can't believe we're on time.

Can't we just be, like... a la carte?

Can't we just be, like... a la carte?

Captain Whoever, you look dashing.

Certainly intelligent life, and we're out there looking.

Certo, signora.

Charlotte, North Carolina.

Colliding and floating and playing.

Come Come on in. Okay.

Come here.

Come in.

Come on in.

Come on in.

Come on, be strong. You can do it!

Come on, bro, look, you're embarrassing me

Come on, come on, come on, come on.

Come on, come on, it's easy. What's the problem?

Come on, come on. Okay, okay.

Come on, come on...

Come on, Dad.

Come on, Daddy, it's only two more blocks!

Come on, Doug, you knew they were putting me up here,

Come on, give him hand, Louie C.K.

Come on, have some balls, I'm just

Come on, just try to steal the ball, Louie.

Come on, let's go back Louie!

Come on, let's go.

Come on, please?

Come on, put your dick away.

Come on, stop, please. Louie, I can't!

Come on, try to steal it.

Come on, you farted before. You've never farted?

Come on, you guys like impressions?

Come on!

Come on!

Come on!

Come on! Go!

Come on.

Come on.

Come on.

Come on.

Come on.

Come on. 500 bucks.

Come on. All right.

Come on. I'm from back

Come on. Let's go.

Come on. Okay.

Come on. Yeah, let's do this.

Come one, man.

Come pick me up. It's in Jersey.

Coming.

Congratulations on your... baby

Congratulations.

Cool. Hey!

Could you help me move this fish tank?

Could you watch me and then give me a critique?

Could you watch me?

Cover it.

Crazy Glazy, everybody.

Crazy, huh?

Dad, come on. Ugh!

Dad, just go in the store.

Dad, oh, my God, go in this deli.

Dad, we hate those.

Dad, you fell asleep in the taxi,

Dad, you got hurt really bad.

Dad! Oh!

Dad...

Daddy can't poop in public.

Daddy can't poop in public.

Daddy, please, just run.

Daddy!

Daddy! Jane, be strong!

Daddy! Jane, come on!

Dance with me.

Dickhead.

Did anybody

Did I do that?

Did I drop

Did I lose my gun?

Did you I'm sorry.

Did you check with anybody to see if it was our Jack that

Did you find something here?

Did you have fun? Yup.

Did you not ask

Did you see my coat?

Did you think that would be funny?

Did your mom get off?

Didn't we learn anything?

Dinella is getting her master's, so we're so effing busy.

Dinella, what are you doing?

Direct from New York City,

Do all roads have to lead to ruin?

Do I get paid the same? Yep.

Do some shit

Do you always get uncomfortable around younger people?

Do you ask about me, about myself?

Do you care? I don't think you do.

Do you have like makeup? Can you put makeup on me?

Do you have to poop right now?

Do you know him?

Do you know how hard we tried to have this baby in our way

Do you know that I have two daughters?

Do you know that I'm a dad? I'm divorced?

Do you know the price of this?

Do you like fun?

Do you remember how much fun it was,

Do you understand what I'm saying to you?

Do you understand?

Do you wanna have a sleepover tonight?

Do you want your kids' world to be a step above yours?

Do you, uh, wanna dance?

Does Jane take violin? I saw her with a violin.

Does that What does that make me?

Doesn't he look wonderful, Mother?

Doesn't that sound great? Um...

Don't don't put two girls on in a row.

Don't ask him that. Why not?

Don't be standing over there looking at me

Don't be standing there looking at me.

Don't do it.

Don't do that. Jesus man!

Don't even

Don't even give a comic a hand job, nothing.

Don't let me see you molesting kids anymore

Don't light your fart.

Don't look at me! We have to be strong!

Don't look back, come on.

Don't move, I'll be right back. No, no, no.

Don't move!

Don't need it, don't need it. No, I love those.

Don't say you want to hang out

Don't sit here and bitch about it.

Don't worry, just you're fine where you are.

Don't you know this?

Don't you love this place?

Don't you wanna take a look at her?

Don't you want to spot calling the minorities

Don't you want to stick your dick

Don't you?

Don't!

Dorothy Shammel.

Doug, I'm there for a week

Dreams don't really mean that much.

Dude, I've been doing it for 30 years

Dude, take deep breaths. Something.

Dude, think about it.

Dude, you don't You did it.

Dude, you don't have to

Dude, you want me to go?

Dude.

Dude.

Dude..

Dude...

Enjoy your walk.

Even a funeral.

Even though it was very painful.

Every fart is funny. Never.

Every night.

Every night.

Everybody else knows, "Well, he died at 80."

Everybody in there knows me.

Everybody.

Everybody's talking about this guy.

Everyone hates you.

Eww, no! No. No, no.

Excuse me, sir!

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Farts are hilarious.

Fine, and I will call the owners,

Five...

For me to be comfortable on the road

For thinking you can come in this way.

For tomorrow night.

For urinating in my bed...

Friends, not to have to

Friends, sex, love, Italian food...

Friends, sex, love, marriage, divorce, ruin, okay?

From thousands of years of human commerce?

Funny, high voice or something.

Gee, Mister!

Get on the bus.

Get on with your life.

Get out of here, man! Come on, man, just move.

Get out of the way, man

Get outta the street.

Get your stuff, okay?

Getting into beekeeping."

Give him a hand, please.

Give him a hand! Bart Folding!

Give him a hand.

Give it up for Louie C.K

Give it up for Louie C.K.!

Give it up for Louie C.K..

Go ahead.

Go ahead.

Go! Just go in, okay? All right.

God damn it!

God damn it!

God damn it. My bag!

God, where is it?

Goddamn.

Going from, like, a light bulb

Going to someone else.

Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen,

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

Good job.

Good job.

Good night.

Good night. Okay.

Good to meet you, man. Hey, nice to meet you.

Good to see you.

Good, thank you very much, thank you.

Good, thank you.

Good, uh... good good stuff.

Good!

Good.

Good. Good.

Good. How are you? All right.

Got a guy out back with a rubber glove.

Got a guy out back with a rubber glove.

Got it.

Got some stuff for the fish tank.

Gotcha.

Great, okay. Bye, now.

Great.

Ha! Oh, God.

Half dead.

Hang on

Hard, fast.

Have a good Yeah.

Have a good night. Thanks for coming.

Have you ever been to Paolo's in the East Village?

Have you heard of that place?

Have your own places, schtoop another person,

Having kids.

He did this thing where he was trying to...

He didn't make it.

He has to take a huge poo and no one will help him

He is a proper escort, my dear girl.

He just killed for an hour up here, huh?

He was, uh, he said,

He'll give up and that's the end of it

He's a big, famous comedian.

He's dead?

He's dead.

He's gonna come up at talk 20 minutes or so...

He's like, "Yeah, so I want to go into beekeeping, right,

He's not dead, he's right here!

He's picking bullets out of the belly of that plane.

He's right there, man.

He's so funny.

He's the headliner. This is, uh...

He's your opener.

Hear me?

Hello?

Hello.

Hello. Hey.

Hello. Hi, Louie.

Help me get good things in my life!

Help you how?

Here, here's yours.

Here, wipe your face, here, take this.

Here. Great, okay.

Here. I only came in it twice.

Here. Ow!

Here's the fried chicken that I made.

Hey you guys like impressions?

Hey, Barbara. Oh, hi. Hi

Hey, buddy, can you help me out with something?

Hey, can I say something, pal?

Hey, come on in, man. Okay.

Hey, don't knock the fart jokes.

Hey, excuse me.

Hey, folks, how you doing?

Hey, fried chicken, everyone!

Hey, good morning, man. Hey, how you doing?

Hey, have you heard his bee joke?

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Leave him alone.

Hey, hey, hey.

Hey, how long was I asleep for?

Hey, how you doing, man?

Hey, how's Cinci?

Hey, I want one of those.

Hey, it's Bobby.

Hey, Jackie, hey.

Hey, man, cut that out. Put your hands in the air.

Hey, man, how are you this morning?

Hey, man, what the hell?

Hey, man! What the hell?

Hey, Marina, it's Louie.

Hey, Matchy, what's up?

Hey, thank you.

Hey, thanks very much for your help.

Hey, uh, Eva, real quick.

Hey, um, could you help me with something?

Hey, um...

Hey, wait a minute, what is that?

Hey, we're still here

Hey, what's up, man?

Hey, what's up?

Hey, what's your name Smith?

Hey, where you going?

Hey, you can't come in here.

Hey, you didn't even know he was dead.

Hey, you weren't like offended by what I did last night?

Hey, you.

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey! Jesus Christ!

Hey! Sammy!

Hey! This is Kenny.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey. Excuse me.

Hey. Hold on a second.

Hey. Sorry I'm late.

Hey. What?

Hey... Like, anything

Hi, Bianca. Bruce.

Hi, Dad.

Hi, Dad. Hey.

Hi, guys. How are you?

Hi, how are you?

Hi, how is he?

Hi, I'm Bart Folding, I'm up next.

Hi, that's me.

Hi, there. I'll be right with you.

Hi, this, uh, sar sel selfin,

Hi, uh, excu I'm sorry, excuse me.

Hi, um..

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi. Come on in. How are you?

Hi. Hello.

Hi. Hey.

Hi. Hi.

Hi. I'm Kate.

Hi. It's Mike

Hi. Oh, my God, Dad, what happened?

Hi. Thank you, sir.

His wake's in two hours.

Hmm.

Hmm. He was a soldier?

Honestly, I can't believe that that's a

How about another road?

How about that shit for a minute, huh?

How about you?

How are you today?

How are you? It's good to see you.

How can you not?

How did I hurt you?

How did you find out?

How do they get it?