Harley Quinn (2019) - Season 2 Edit

A backless halter... is a little rural.

A bat suit to compensate for your feeble state?

A big, beautiful thing,

A big, fairytale book.

A big, fresh wet one!

A chauffeur? You must be doing well.

A cure for my wife's incredibly rare blood disease.

A damn good plan.

A dream. Never happened. Pure fiction. Not canon. Ignore it.

A friendly reminder that any man who dares

A fun, yet bookish transfer student from Chico State.

A gentleman does not trade in such pedestrian platitudes.

A goon with a name.

A group of white,

A Hawaiian shirt,

A landlord always knows two things:

A literal two faced person told you that.

A little assistance, my lady.

A little bird told me that Ivy and Kite Man

A lot of planning into this trip,

A lot of specific knowledge about anal polyps.

A man is nothing without his convictions.

A meet cute for the ages.

A modern Falstaff! Perfect.

A mutation.

A person can be two things, or did you not know that?

A problematic drinker and former cop turned vigilante.

A regular guy with superpowers like me could ever ask for?

A riot, I need you to start a...

A rogue lobster just scuttled aboard.

A salad bar exploded?

A sign that says "YOLO."

A suburban dad. Who gives a shit?

A table, for four people. Thanks.

A ticket to hell. [grunts]

A tidy room is the key to a tidy mind.

A totally unremarkable looking white guy.

A want that was not met.

A, it's not a logo. It's a symbol,

About a woman's value fading after she gets chosen by a man.

About what the most metal album of all time is.

Absolutely hates Hunter McMurray.

Across an apocalyptic wasteland.

Actually 1.3 million.

Actually, I'll take that fruit cup though.

Actually, I'm just gonna stop talking to you right now.

Actually, I'm so happy you came, Ivy.

Actually, the truth is

Affectionately known as The Pit.

After all of this, I'm not redoing my wedding.

After all that woman's done to him.

After all, the maid was busy.

After an appropriate mourning period, mmmkay?

After everything she did for you?

After I kill him.

After Lopez. [laughing]

After organizing all your parademons, and

After the first time we met, I had a dream about you!

After we took the Injustice League out?

Again, he's dead, so let's just

Again.

Against one of the most formidable villains

Ah ha! I've got the target in my sights.

Ah ha! See, you're a cop,

Ah ha! You know it, pal.

Ah, don't listen to bat face. He's just messing with your head.

Ah, fiancée... The love... Um, well, uh,

Ah, fuck my ass.

Ah, I wonder what she'll complain about first.

Ah, it's great, loosens me up.

Ah, man. I love that idiot.

Ah, no. It's not just "one venue."

Ah, ooph! I've got goose bumps.

Ah, perfect!

Ah, right. Well, turn in your clipboard and glasses.

Ah, rubies, that's so classy. Yes.

Ah, so glad you could make it from Michigan.

Ah, that was successful.

Ah, that was successful.

Ah, that's below the belt.

Ah, there was a swig and a half left.

Ah, this is so awesome! [chuckles]

Ah, this isn't really a good time, son.

Ah, those Parademons took out the communications system.

Ah, well, I win.

Ah, yeah... Oh. Your old greenhouse? Yeah...

Ah, you wanna play rough?

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah! [chuckles] You playboys, always doing stuff.

Ah! [groaning]

Ah! [groans]

Ah! I fucking love science.

Ah! I see you found your appetite,

Ah! I'm being ripped apart!

Ah! It's Harley, and she never calls...

Ah! It's in full screen mode. Shit. [groans]

Ah! It's just like the end of a rom com!

Ah! It's just so pretty there.

Ah! Mazel! How'd ya make all these candles?

Ah! No! It's too cold!

Ah! Oh, villainous, burp, company

Ah! We are gods!

Ah! Well, I'll be damned!

Ah. The dwarf who called Wonder Woman a slur

Ahem! Sorry to interrupt.

Ahhh!

Ahhh!

Ahhh! [groans]

Ahhh...

Aka Gotham PD Commissioner, aka the Commish,

Alfred!

All I hear is a story of a big swinging dick

All I know is, right now, you're the last person I wanna be around!

All I'm saying is lay low, and hopefully this'll all blow over.

All I've been doing is reacting.

All over the fuckin' city,

All right guys, let's go.

All right, Condiment King, Becca, you got here first,

All right, Gordon,

All right, here we go!

All right, I'm not allowed to use them.

All right, Ive, are you ready for all night study seshes,

All right, ladies, have fun taking down that beta cuck.

All right, ladies, I have a big surprise.

All right, last one. Two Face, Killer Croc, Joker.

All right, let's get you that ring, sport.

All right, listen. New plan.

All right, listen. We get in, grab this flamethrower, and get out.

All right, Merv, let's pack it up.

All right, now let's talk branding.

All right, now let's talk branding.

All right, pop back in your Boom Tube.

All right, Sy, you take the mezzanine,

All right, this is some weird Silence of the Lambs shit.

All right, we gotta make this extraction as gentle as possible.

All right! Y'all ready to hand Gordon his ass

All right.

All right. I'll 'fess up about the bomb.

All right. I'm gonna make this quick.

All right. This all looks perfect to me.

All right. You know what?

All righty then, what is it, my son?

All that gratuitous violence. Yuck.

All the villains at the wedding. He told me himself.

All the way back to the Hidden Valley.

All these criminals will be in attendance

All we have to do is impress the venue manager

All you have to do is say,

All... All this has just been me avoiding something

Almost too many moves.

Along with a mild summer.

Along with every major supervillain in the city

Alright, so I fortified the shackles on that hamster wheel.

Also if you don't chip in, I'll stab you.

Also, "dwarf" is considered a slur.

Also, dude,

Also, gonna need a W76 2 nuclear warhead

Also, I tested very well as a character,

Although, we did have some good times.

Always being impetuous, you know?

Always being impetuous! Hey!

Always have been, always will be.

Always kissing people and shit!

Always kissing people!

Am I going to get from five peas?

Amazing, really.

Amen, sir.

America may have turned its back on us,

Amplifies brainwaves,

An anger, born from a want.

An athlete and a scholar. [laughs]

An impetuous, spur of the moment thing.

An opportunity to set the record straight.

An upscale lifestyle and music festival.

Anarchy and sushi!

And [mumbles] other stuff.

And a cell phone clipped to my belt!

And a liar.

And a lifetime of torture in Granny's dungeon.

And a mistake.

And a one... And a two.

And a third crew to... Jesus!

And a very old Mr

And accomplished absolutely nothing.

And actually doing it.

And all the best players just disappeared.

And all the parademons.

And almost got me killed, like, so many times.

And also, you hated working for a woman.

And an 8 track recording of The Monkees' D D D Daydream Believer.

And an order of your mashed avocado? Gracias.

And another thing, he's not lucky to have me,

And are, um... [clears throat]

And at some point that's gonna be me.

And B, if that little girl's killed while wearing it,

And Batman.

And because I don't even know what's important to me anymore.

And bring her wand.

And called you Dad a few times.

And can we lighten up on the damn smoke?

And case closed.

And chaos fills the streets...

And Cheryl. [sighs]

And chose ditzy co eds and divorcees?

And cut to the part where I'm clean?

And Daddy above it with the widest smile I'd ever seen.

And derail future plans. Plus, you know,

And dibs? There's no dibs.

And drop the ring into the fires of Mount Doom from atop an eagle" bullshit!

And enslave the planet.

And even though you rejected me

And experience no complications whatsoever.

And fire engine red lips?

And for good reason.

And for my big babies,

And for some reason, what you two think about me.

And forcing them to run on hamster wheels,

And frankly, mean spirited.

And free trade with the rest of America, but...

And funny woman who can control plants.

And get back our rightful place in the United States.

And get ice cream after the game?

And get loaded and get into an argument with somebody

And get so hot without us knowing?

And get this: we were a couple! Right?

And get to Dr. Psycho.

And give them one clear purpose.

And given me my own damn slice of this city!

And God help Gotham City.

And Harley's with him.

And has dumped the Joker back into acid

And has my forever babe mind controlled.

And have a very milquetoast marriage,

And he is still obviously very much alive.

And he lives with you in this dorm room?

And he made it... It's kind of a funny story...

And he's the only award show that matters.

And hell, I got shot twice.

And helped her plan and execute

And helping you take down that angry little shvants in a tux.

And hope in the people of Gotham.

And hopefully, me!

And how are you funding that?

And how long are we talking? A week, a month, uh...

And how sick our love is,

And how we're more likely to survive if we stick together, and I'm in.

And I am a very active listener.

And I believe a metahuman battle

And I can't stand the idea of losing you.

And I command you to ess my vee.

And I don't have any other friends, so you're up.

And I don't know if I ever wanna get married, okay?

And I go around 'causing messes and never clean 'em up.

And I got the clicker right here.

And I had a couple too many margs,

And I hadn't gotten any taller.

And I have a low tolerance for evasive answers.

And I haven't heard from him since.

And I hope I didn't mess it all up.

And I just look stupid and desperate

And I just... I cannot have it.

And I knew your heart wasn't in it.

And I know Jen doesn't like fish, so

And I know just the place for you to do that.

And I know the perfect person for the job.

And I know this doesn't fix anything.

And I love him!

And I made it into a lanyard.

And I mean, these weddings...

And I promise it will never happen again.

And I still didn't really like him.

And I took my frustrations with myself out on you.

And I wanna take him down... If you don't kill me.

And I want that flamethrower,

And I want them to love you as much as I do,

And I was determined to squash it.

And I was heir to the throne,

And I was the one who texted you all!

And I was thinking about it,

And I will give her scepter to you,

And I wish you many happinesses.

And I won.

And I wore my hair up all the time?

And I would never want anything to mess up our friendship, you know?

And I'll go gushy for ya?

And I'll tell you.

And I'm bringing the Batman with me!

And I'm not getting married anywhere that reeks of kite!

And I'm not saying "tweet, tweet."

And I'm sorry.

And I'm starting to get it.

And I've come here to warn you

And I've got their guest list.

And if I don't do it now, it will be too late.

And if I don't escape my shackles in five minutes,

And if might, a bit derivative.

And if we don't get it, the whole wedding will be rui

And if you lived here, you'd be home by now. Let's get em'.

And if you need more time, that's good with me.

And if you, you know,

And instituted martial law.

And is using her to sell Themyscira

And it can melt any... Oh, duh!

And it seems like a good reason to want her dead.

And it turns out I was actually the Joker,

And it will get him, once he's made a full physical recovery.

And it's almost a joke.

And it's barely hanging on by a thread.

And its cleaning wand and a carrying pouch.

And its natural resources.

And Ivy broke it off and I'm totally cool with it!

And jammed it in my n n n noggin.

And join forces to protect ourselves from external threats.

And Joker's had his last laugh.

And just a ferry ride away

And Kelly Clarkson's greatest hit. We could do it anywhere.

And kill us all.

And Killer Croc, he's so ugly.

And know that their last thought was fear.

And leave some things behind.

And let that shit simmer, huh?

And let's just say, it wasn't because they went pro.

And let's keep it that way at the polls tomorrow.

And let's watch.

And like Ivy said, I always fuck everything up.

And listen, don't take this the wrong way,

And look at me now.

And look, it's only got your name on it!

And looking at our phones. No judgment style.

And looks like I'm the big winner today.

And maniacal laugh, blood lust in his eyes,

And maybe pick up some lunch.

And most likely lead to the extinction

And my condolences to you.

And neither do I.

And next thing you know... Oh... Oh, it is urgent?

And night two we destroy it.

And no matter how much we change down here.

And no one is getting in my way.

And no one knows if he'll ever come back,

And not a single royalty.

And not read her mind?

And not to be fucked with.

And not using them.

And nothing like that can ever happen again.

And now all of Gotham is as full of false hope as an undercooked meat pie!

And now champion of ice blocked women all over the world,

And now I can't even do it.

And now I'm an upscale bartender.

And now I'm gonna take over all of Gotham!

And now I'm stuck with it.

And now I'm taking your life.

And now it's time for you to shark up.

And now that I have you, Harley,

And now, he's doin' Jedi mind tricks?

And now, our heroine,

And now, you're a babysitter.

And of course

And one last thing.

And one of them is your dead ex boyfriend. So, gross and duh.

And one you shouldn't be wearing.

And overpriced Internet providers!

And pigs in blankets.

And prepare for an all out war with me and my army.

And Queen Hippolyta brought me on

And replace it with obedience?

And roast him like the pig he is."

And she didn't feel that way.

And she finally said yes!

And she got a ton of spa treatments.

And she is soaring majestically.

And she was you while I was me.

And she'll come fix your wife up lickety split.

And she's my girlfriend.

And should've majored in communication?

And show him once and for all that Harley Quinn is Gotham's true boss

And since you want humans wiped from the face of the earth...

And so do they.

And so then, what happens?

And somehow, she just like, draws you in by being aloof.

And someone order a damn pizza!

And space.

And spending weekends shuttling our four kids between soccer,

And start coming up with more creative names.

And still expect me to let you rule Scandinavia.

And take down Psycho and his fuckin' army.

And talk about nothing for hours.

And tell him to go screw himself.

And terraform your planet into a scrapyard.

And that is the last of the 17 hedge mazes.

And that is them having superpowers,

And that is where we are stuck forever.

And that, I mean, for me,

And that's what I am.

And the baddest villain of all?

And the bride still wants you to come

And the Earth is about to be mine!

And the Earth...

And the lump of clay is harmless.

And the only miracle here is that you two ghouls somehow raised him.

And the truth is,

And the urge to kill goes away.

And the way I see it, cleanup starts with

And their brains. Right, three girls?

And then I said, "From now on, we're home schooling you."

And then I saw the dog do other things to that man

And then I wrapped Aquaman up in...

And then if there's time, we'll make some fresh pasta.

And then it's me, but it says Two Face.

And then something happened.

And then start crying

And then suddenly, you have a closet full of overalls that don't look good on you.

And then they won't come to the wedding!

And then we're gonna be on our way.

And then what happened?

And then whatever you want it to do.

And then you made the photographer faint.

And then, a couple minutes after that

And then, he took the heat for it because he cares about me,

And then, she bit The Penguin's nose off.

And then, the other two are dead,

And then, we can give your healthy blood to your wife.

And then, you see her wearing overalls, and you're like,

And there doesn't seem to be a grain of salt on the table.

And there is truly only one foolproof way I've found to get it.

And there's only one unbooked weekend left.

And they destroyed our beautiful city.

And they're thanking us for it.

And they're thanking us for it. [laughs]

And they're waiting for us outside.

And this is my friend Izziadora Staplebuntkin.

And this is where they wanted to meet.

And this is why I got cold feet.

And this one has the old gift of flight.

And this shit won't fly.

And this weekend was so special.

And to Harley,

And tonight, I fix my mistake.

And took him down.

And track it.

And Two Face had a whole mess of goons.

And vowing to take back Gotham City."

And we always said we'd be each other's maids of honor.

And we can spend the rest

And we can't have that.

And we got wristbands.

And we gotta eat this guy?

And we had to get stomped into the Bane boys. Fucking Bane!

And we need to get them back in line.

And we still got stuck here with the hoi polloi.

And we take out Gotham by supper.

And we're just here to grab Firefly's flamethrower,

And weirdly changed it into a ferret.

And welcome the God of War

And welcome to the first annual

And what do we have?

And what's the right way to take that?

And when a tenant's blue.

And when I'm done,

And who is Orange Julius?

And who will never run a crew

And why is there a plant wrapped around you?

And why the hell would I do that?

And with him, hope for the people of Gotham!

And with this bad boy, plus my new hobby of guided meditation,

And with your help, Batgirl can keep that hope alive.

And yet, he's everywhere.

And you are gonna walk down that aisle.

And you couldn't handle it, so you fuckin' froze her.

And you do stuff, too.

And you don't go on heists!

And you had to be a certain height to ride it.

And you had to go

And you held me to it.

And you know the rest.

And you know what, he doesn't belittle me like you did, Quinn.

And you know what? Maybe I'm not ready.

And you never judged me no matter how many times

And you professed your love to Ivy.

And you wouldn't want to miss my performance

And you. Cobb squad forever.

And you'll have that meal tonight.

And you're free to... Um...

And you're fun to celebrate with.

And you're here to rob me.

And you're just a weak washed up goon. [cackles]

And you're right, that we have had these high highs together.

And you're the answer to our prayers.

And you've earned yourself a promotion. Congrats.

And you've got to admit, like, Steph's really pulling off her crop top.

And you've gotten back with Joker.

And, as previously stated,

And, hmm... A dirt man?

And, if we don't do it right now,

And, in order to stop him,

And, of course, I was too short.

And, that's when I decided to hate women.

And, they're headed east in the fuckin' Batplane?

And, with the help of some bullshit technology

And, yes, it might be messy. It might not work.

And, Your Majesty, how do you feel about that?

And... [sighs] That fucks up what I have with Kite Man.

And/or president of the United States.

Another net! No, no, no, no! It's worse.

Any food allergies or phobias I should be aware of?

Any idea how stupid that was?

Any idiot could've done it.

Any minute now, her head

Anybody?

Anyone else itching to get shot in their privates?

Anyone know how we can get an evil army?

Anything for you.

Anything to ride that big wheel in the sky.

Anytime you throw a wrench in it,

Anyway, Eris, the hotel manager,

Anyway, listen,

Anyway, look. You know me, I mean, I'm ride or die, but...

Anyway. I...

Are fueled by revenge.

Are getting married on Saturday.

Are like wah, wah, wah, wah, wah... okay.

Are rediscovering yourselves,

Are there no heroes left in Gotham?

Are there other parts of your argument

Are those pecs real or is it just the suit? [chuckles playfully]

Are we going back to the strip club?

Are we living in a mall or a zoo?

Are you always this impetuous?

Are you calling me fat? [wailing]

Are you gonna lend a hand

Are you having fun?

Are you in a club?

Are you kidding me?

Are you prepared to live with that?

Are you saying we should become the Penguin,

Are you shittin' me, Clayface?

Are you sure Ivy wants to take this next step with you?

Are you sure you can't just remember?

Are you sure you haven't seen the show?

Are you sure? My girlfriend says I'm a good listener. Sometimes too good.

Are you totally set on cream?

Are you trying to fill an empty hole in your life, Harley Quinn?

Are, are you okay, or whatever?

Aren't you cute?

Aren't you excited to see me going back to Arkham?

Aren't you tired of the supers getting all the credit?

Argh!

Around Wayne Tower.

As a community, we should really get together

As a friend, is gonna die!

As a friend. The friend I love,

As am I. You can't tell, but I've clayed myself.

As big as Batman.

As I become the world's most feared supervillain!

As I was saying, Ivy and Harley are best friends.

As I was saying...

As it coincides with my decision to move on to human experimentation.

As long as it's 50 50.

As long as we're here, you want to try the fresh mozz,

As long as you've got this, you've always got a friend

As much as the next gal,

As much of this weekend as possible.

As one of those orphans that builds Wayneboxes.

As soon as they allow us back into their lives, of course.

As the core temperatures of your bodies are about to

As the mayor, in a rare public appearance,

As we agreed upon.

As you can imagine,

Ask me.

Asshole.

At least, since the Bat abandoned us.

At the beginning of your barista shift

At the end of the day, she broke up with me 'cause I'm too impulsive

At the Gotham Natural History Museum

At the ol' bach partay?

At the old Gotham corn factory

Aw, geez, thanks.

Aw, man, I hate missing inside jokes!

Aw, sad.

Aw, that's nice.

Aw!

Aw! Thanks, D Train.

Aw. Now I've got smashin' blue balls!

Aw. Thanks.

Babe, are you sure

Babe, did you and Harley get into a fight or something

Babe, I'm just... I'm so sorry that I left the venue.

Babe, I'm so sorry.

Babe, I'm telling you it's not him.

Babe, let's at least have Debbie

Babe, you mention it's mild?

Baby, I'm about to make you a star.

Back for more, Harley?

Back to the chemical stuff.

Bad news, you're under arrest.

Bad news. I'm not.

Bah, bah, bah!

Ballet, karate and capoeira,

Bane Capital?

Bane, good to see you on your feet after the Legion went boom.

Bane, you gullible fool!

Barbara, we need to...

Barbara?

Basically, everyone on Tinder.

Batgirl should have smiled more.

Batman and his super friends destroyed the Parademons,

Batman is missing.

Batman obsession phase.

Batman! Are you seeing this? Gunfire at Wayne Tower.

Batman... Yes, The Batman is back in Gotham.

Batman's back, baby!

Batman's still out there.

Batman's your inspiration.

Bats, tell Zatanna to meet us there,

Bats, you got her all tied up.

Be a part of the action! At least let me shoot a sweet missile.

Be the Penguin.

Because first of all, I'm the one

Because for some reason he cares about you two.

Because he froze my living body

Because he thinks you're a villain,

Because I don't trust those assholes to keep your word.

Because I feel like a superhero right now!

Because I killed him. [laughing maniacally]

Because I want him to see the face of his murderer.

Because I'm an alien,

Because I'm blowing the whole place up!

Because I'm Harley fucking Quinn!

Because it wasn't a fucking tsunami of virtue signaling.

Because parents always love me.

Because rumor has it she's going to have an army.

Because she's loca.

Because the C C C Commies!

Because there's gonna be

Because true love conquers all.

Because where would you escape to?

Because you are a pussy.

Because you have people that love you.

Because you left Two Face territory.

Because you're cheap and you've got a pulse, skirt.

Because you're gonna be playin' a drunk.

Because you're my best friend,

Because, no pressure, if they don't love you

Because, you know, I studied his pathology more than anyone else.

Before Dr. Psycho is neutralized.

Before I met you.

Before I walk down the goddamn aisle forever.

Before my reputation was ruined over some innocent locker room talk!

Before you came to,

Begin the taking of Gotham City!

Being an only neglected child,

Being some loser suburban stepdad.

Being the police commissioner

Ben? And Cheryl?

Besides being able to defecate wherever you want?

Besides relax?

Besides, it's only Parademons.

Besides, why would I want to team up with the likes of you?

Beth, you craving Thai or Italian?

Bethany fell in love with me

Better luck next time, boy o.

Better to go out like a man

Better. Now, talk to me.

Binging some premium streaming content

Bitch, please. I am super down.

Blah, blah, blah. "Insane."

Blah, blah. "Cute."

Blah! Do you guys wanna riot?

Blood disease anymore,

Blood!

Blow up if you don't help me find the book.

Boomtube us home, psycho!

Booya!

Boss is gonna love this.

Boy, will they have a juicy lawsuit on their hands.

Bring back a useful degree!

Bring it on! I'm hungry for Parademons!

Bring it, bitch.

Bring me Harley Quinn!

Bring me the head of Harley Quinn,

Bring your cameras down to the old Gotham corn factory

Brotherly love, et cetera.

Bullshit. You came up with Two Face?

But all the notes are missing. What happened?

But also a human woman, are the

But as your BFF, and only F,

But at least now he knows I'm not happy about it.

But Batman's barely in it?

But by God we will when we arrest those two lovebirds

But could you pull over here?

But do anything it takes to stop that bomb.

But do you really think Ivy can find a cure?

But do you really think your life was better before all this,

But don't show up tomorrow when this is over

But don't you think it's time

But escaped with Batman?

But even Batman thinks you're running Gotham.

But first we gotta kill the heroes.

But first, who wants to see some close up magic?

But guess what?

But he didn't. Joker wasn't trying to kill me,

But he does know when to ask for help.

But he's gonna try.

But he's, sort of, like out of town indefinitely,

But her secret lover!

But I am tots overwhelmed.

But I breaded and fried those fuckers!

But I can just push them away. And I mean, look at us,

But I convinced them to freeze you.

But I could never do better than Ivy.

But I did put a lot of

But I didn't always hate people.

But I didn't want an arranged marriage.

But I don't know if I'm ready to be "Chad's girlfriend."

But I don't trust you with my heart.

But I don't want that.

But I got that charisma,

But I guess it's fine.

But I guess it's hard to let go of your past self, huh?

But I have three wristbands to a party there tonight.

But I know someone who can.

But I know that you're not.

But I left for unspecified reasons,

But I liked it that way, you know.

But I lost my memory,

But I need your help.

But I remain unconvinced.

But I saw a less lame side of him

But I think I have some tunes downloaded on my phone here.

But I wanna fly the plane.

But I was wrong.

But I will let you in on a little secret to lift your spirits.

But I'm havin' a night and wanna be able to return this dress.

But I'm here to tell you they haven't.

But I'm not gonna act on them. I mean,

But I've gotta be on there.

But I've never been to an all female island before.

But if it's true love,

But if one does,

But if they don't, we will die together.

But if we did talk about it...

But if you don't give us another option, we will.

But if you think I'm too weak to get back out there and I'll fail, just say it.

But in order to do that,

But in the dream, I was so filled with rage,

But in the process they've broken you.

But it is pretty awesome.