Dave Chappelle: Killin' Them Softly Edit

A BLACK MAN WOULD NEVER DREAM

A CRACK HEAD WAS RUNNING ACROSS THE STREET

A CRACK HEAD WOULD COME UP TO THE CAR

A DIVISION OF TIME WARNER ENTERTAINMENT COMPANY, L.P.

A DIVISION OF TIME WARNER ENTERTAINMENT COMPANY, L.P.

A FUCKIN' CRACK HEAD RAN THIS WAY...

A GUY'LL BE OUT, THIS HAPPENS TO A LOT, GUYS,

A LITTLE SUSPICIOUS.

A MAN'S TEST IN LIFE IS A WOMAN.

A THONG CONTEST.

A WOMEN'S TEST IN LIFE IS MATERIAL.

AH, YOU KNOW, THAT'S THE WHOLE BRUTALITY THING.

AHH, SEE ?!"

AIN'T NO 100 WAYS, THAT LIST IS FOUR THINGS LONG.

AIN'T NO TELLIN' WHAT THEY'VE DONE

ALL I WANNA KNOW, WHICH WAY IS THIRD STREET ?"

ALL I'LL SAY ABOUT ELIAN IS THANK GOD HE'S CUBAN.

ALL MY BUDDIES WILL BE AT MY FUNERAL,

ALL OF THEM SHAKING THEIR BUTTS.

ALL RELAXED, SHOULDERS ALL RELAXED,

ALL THESE YEARS, I THOUGHT I LIKED CHICKEN

ALRIGHT, ZIPPITY DO DAH, BYE BYE !"

ALRIGHT...

AN OLDER WOMAN WOULD HAVE BEEN IN THERE,

AN OLDER WOMAN WOULD'VE HELPED EVERYBODY.

AN OLDER WOMAN WOULD'VE SUCKED US INTO UTOPIA !

AND A CAR PULLS UP NEXT TO US,

AND A GIRL WALKS BY, AND, MAN, SHE LOOKS GOOD.

AND A WOMAN COMES OUT AND SAYS, "OOH, NICE PORSCHE."

AND AN ELEPHANT THAT'S A JUNKIE.

AND BEFORE I EVEN FINISH MY SENTENCE, HE SAYS,

AND EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE,

AND GET OUTTA HERE !"

AND GOT HIT BY A CAR.

AND HE'S DRIVING A LITTLE CRAZY.

AND HE'S LIKE, "DAVE,

AND HISTORY DOESN'T TALK ABOUT THAT MUCH.

AND I BETCHA IT WASN'T THE PRESIDENT'S DICK.

AND I GO TO A RESTAURANT TO ORDER SOME FOOD,

AND I GOT UPSET.

AND I REALIZED "SESAME STREET" TEACHES KIDS OTHER THINGS.

AND I SEEN A THING THEY CALL,

AND I'M WATCHING PEPE LEPIEU, BUT, I'M OLD NOW.

AND IT LOOKS LIKE THEY MEAN BUSINESS."

AND IT SAYS ON THE COVER,

AND JUST KISSED HIM.

AND LABEL PEOPLE, THAT'S RIGHT.

AND LEFT ME,

AND LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING,

AND LIFT YOUR SACK."

AND LOOK IN THE WINDOW.

AND STEP OVER HOMELESS PEOPLE.

AND THAT'S GOOD.

AND THAT'S THE WORST.

AND THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS.

AND THE BABY DIDN'T EVEN LOOK SCARED,

AND THE CELL PHONE STARTED RINGING,

AND THE MAGAZINES HAVE YOU FORGETTING

AND THEN ANOTHER ONE JUMPED OUT OF A TREE AND SHIT.

AND THEN ED BRADLEY LOOKED RIGHT IN THE CAMERA,

AND THEN NEWSWEEK PRINTED IT AND YOU KNEW IT WAS TRUE.

AND THEN THE MAGAZINE'S TRICK THE WOMEN.

AND THEN THEY PLAY 'EM ON TELEVISION.

AND THEN THEY'RE FAMOUS !

AND THEN YOU FORGET HOW BEAUTIFUL YOU ARE,

AND THEN, MEN, WE MISUNDERSTAND WOMEN A LOT.

AND THEN, TO TOP IT OFF,

AND THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT.

AND THEY HAVE THE NERVE TO PUT A PIMP ON THERE.

AND THEY MAKE YOU FAKE ?

AND THEY'RE GONNA BE HAPPY !

AND THIS BABY COULD BE IN TROUBLE,

AND VICE PRESIDENT SANTIAGO TO OUR OWN DEVICES.

AND WE ALL SUFFER.

AND WE WERE LOST IN THE CITY,

AND WHAT DO THEY SAY ?

AND YOU FEEL LIKE YOUR CLOTHES AREN'T GOOD ENOUGH.

AND YOU SEE A GIRL AND YOU MIGHT TRY TO TALK TO HER.

AND YOU'LL SEE A GROUP OF BLACK DUDES WALKING,

AND YOU'RE ASKING ME ALL THESE PERSONAL QUESTIONS."

AND YOU'RE LIKE, "FINE, HOW ARE YOU ?"

AND YOU'RE LIKE...

AND YOU'RE WITH YOUR BUDDIES, RIGHT ?

AND YOUR REGISTRATION, RIGHT ?

AND ZIP IT OUT !"

AND, I MEAN, I DON'T BLAME YOU,

AND, I MEAN, IT WAS SOMETHING ELSE."

AND, I SAY TO THE GUY, "I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE... "

AND, I'LL NEVER FORGET IT.

AND, JUST AT THAT VERY MOMENT,

AND, THEY'LL BE LIKE,

AND, YOU KNOW, MY LAWYERS BE WHITE, AND...

ANYTHING SHE NEEDS TO DO.

ARE QUITE FOND OF ONE ANOTHER."

AS A MATTER OF FACT,

AS AN ADULT ?

AS THREE WHITE GUYS WILL BE WITH THEM,

AS TIME GOES BY, I START FEELING WORSE.

AT 3:00 IN THE MORNING,

AT 3:00 IN THE MORNING,

BACK IN D.C.,

BAM !

BEATING UP POLITICIANS AND SHIT.

BECAUSE I DID KNOW I COULDN'T DO THAT !"

BECAUSE I KNOW EVERY TIME WE NEED TO TALK,

BECAUSE I'M BLACK.

BECAUSE THEY KNOW WE KNOW THE LAW.

BECAUSE THEY KNOW WOMEN LIKE NICE CARS.

BECAUSE THOSE TWO PAGES IN HISTORY ARE STUCK TOGETHER !

BECAUSE WOMEN GOT TOO MUCH ADVICE ABOUT MEN

BECAUSE YOU FLOODED THE MARKET WITH IT,

BECAUSE, IT'S THE YEAR 2000,

BECAUSE, SEE, FEELINGS ARE...

BILL CLINTON WAS NOT THE FIRST PRESIDENT

BLACK PEOPLE TALK ABOUT THAT SHIT.

BLACK PEOPLE WILL OPENLY TALK ABOUT

BLACK PEOPLE WILL OPENLY TALK ABOUT POLITICS.

BOY...

BUT I COULDN'T TURN AWAY.

BUT I DON'T KNOW GEORGE BUSH Jr.'s POLITICS.

BUT YOU'RE NOT GONNA LIVE FOREVER.

BUT, ALL THAT CAME OUT WAS,

BUT, EVEN WHEN I THINK ABOUT WHO I WOULD VOTE FOR,

BUT, GODAMMIT, NOT IN THE WHITE HOUSE !

BUT, HE DIDN'T DO IT LIKE THAT

BUT, HE STOOD UP MAN, HE SAID,

BUT, I DIDN'T ALWAYS KNOW THERE WAS A BLACK THING,

BUT, I FUCKIN' FALL APART.

BUT, I KNOW A PIMP WHEN I SEE ONE.

BUT, I WAS HIGH.

BUT, I WASN'T GONNA GET OUT OF THE CAR.

BUT, IMAGINE IF SOMEBODY COULD SUCK YOUR DICK

BUT, LADIES, YOU MUST UNDERSTAND THAT

BUT, LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.

BUT, MY WHITE BUDDY, HE WAS SMOKING A JOINT.

BUT, NO, PLEASE, FOR THE SQUEAMISH,

BUT, NOW I'M WATCHING IT, AS AN ADULT,

BUT, SHE ACTUALLY, I'M SORRY TO TELL Y'ALL THIS,

BUT, SHE SPREADS HER BUTT CHEEKS OPEN,

BUT, THAT FIRST ****** BETTER WATCH OUT.

BUT, THAT'S STILL NOT WHERE CHIVALRY GOT KILLED.

BUT, THEM BLACK DUDES HAVE SEEN THEM DO

BUT, THEN ANOTHER TIME, ME AND CHIP WERE DRIVING.

BUT, THERE WERE NO VICTIMS, THERE WERE NO VICTIMS.

BUT, THERE'S A REASON FOR THAT,

BUT, THEY GOTTA TALK ABOUT 'EM.

BUT, THEY'D NEVER BELIEVE I LIVED IN IT.

BUT, WE DON'T EVER GOTTA TALK ABOUT

BUT, WE GET TO A RED LIGHT,

BUT, WE KNOW THE LAWS AND THE PENALTIES.

BUT, WHEN IT HAPPENS, IT IS FUCKIN' SWEET.

BUT, YOU ASK ONE OF THESE BLACK FELLAS,

BUT, YOU DON'T WANT TO BE THE FIRST ONE.

BUT, YOU KNOW, I WAS SMOKING A JOINT,

BUT, YOU WERE A LITTLE SKEPTICAL.

BUT, YOU'RE JUST GONNA OPEN THE BORDER UP, SO,

BY SOME LADY.

C'MON NOW, C'MON, DO SOMETHIN'."

C'MON, MAN.

C'MON, NOW, YOU GO TO A WOMAN'S HOUSE

C'MON, THEY'RE OVER HERE, HELP US !"

CAN'T HANDLE NO COKE HEAD PRESIDENT, UH UH.

Captioned by HBO COMMUNICATIONS CENTER

CAPTIONS COPYRIGHT 2000 HOME BOX OFFICE

Captions made possible by HOME BOX OFFICE

CASH MY CHECK.

CHILLIN' AND SHIT.

CHIP HAD THE MUSIC BLASTING...

CHIP SAID, "OKAY, I WILL, SIR, THANK YOU.

CHIP WAS NOT SCARED AT ALL.

CHIP, HE LOOKS AT ME AND HE'S ALL DRUNK,

CHIVALRY GOT KILLED BY THE FEMINIST MOVEMENT

CHIVALRY IS DEAD, AND WOMEN KILLED IT.

CHOCOLATE CHIPS DON'T DO THAT TO PEOPLE.

CLINTON CAME OUT OF THE PRESS CONFERENCE,

CLINTON DID THAT KIND OF THING

CLINTON DID THE SAME THING.

CLINTON DIDN'T DO IT LIKE THAT, DID HE ?

COULD NOT BELIEVE THAT SHIT.

D.C.'s DIFFERENT !

DAVE CHAPPELLE !

DID YA EVER SEE THAT SHIT ?

DID YOU EVER ASK A WHITE GUY WHO HE'S VOTING FOR ?

DIDN'T YOU THINK IT WAS LIKE A LITTLE SUSPICIOUS,

DIED CRYING LIKE A BITCH."

DO YOU KNOW WHO YOU'RE VOTING FOR YET ?

DO YOU KNOW WHY WE PULLED YOU OVER ?"

DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M SAYING ?

DOES NOT MAKE ME A POLICE OFFICER !"

DOESN'T MEAN THEY ARE A CERTAIN WAY.

DON'T EVER FORGET IT,

DON'T GET ALONG NO MORE.

DON'T GO JUDGIN' HER, DON'T GO JUDGIN' HER.

DON'T KNOW, DO YOU ?

DON'T WORRY, DON'T WORRY,

DON'T Y'ALL FEEL A LITTLE SORRY FOR HER AT ALL ?

DON'T YA ALL FEEL THAT WAY ?

ED BRADLEY WAS SHOCKED, "OHHH !"

ELIAN CAN STAY !"

EVEN IF IT'S LIKE A FIRE OR ANYTHING.

EVERY BLACK DUDE IN THIS ROOM

EVERY DEAD BLACK PERSON THE POLICE FIND

EVERY GROUP OF BROTHERS SHOULD HAVE AT LEAST

EVERY PAGE YOU TURN,

EVERY WEEK ON "60 MINUTES",

EVERYBODY KNOW WHAT THAT FINGER SMELLED LIKE.

EVERYBODY SHOULD GO TO THE GHETTO.

EVERYTHING'S BASED ON HOW THEY FEEL.

EXCUSE ME, SIR."

FEELINGS ARE VERY IMPORTANT TO WOMEN.

FELLAS, YOU LOOKING AT MAGAZINES, "WHAT IS THIS ?"

FIX HIM A SANDWICH, AND, DON'T TALK SO MUCH !

FOR $20, $30 AND SHIT.

FOR A LITTLE INSURANCE.

FOR CUTTING MY MEDICAID !"

FOR THE REST OF HER LIFE.

FROM A YOUNG AGE.

FROM HAITI,

FROM OTHER WOMEN.

FROM THE HISTORIC LINCOLN THEATER

FUCK AROUND, GET THE WRONG IDEAS.

FUCK IT, I GOTTA CUT LOOSE.

FUCKIN' SIX FOOT PIGEONS WALKING AROUND,

GENTLEMEN, THAT IS TRUE.

GET OUTTA HERE, JUST GET THE FUCK YOU OUTTA HERE."

GET OUTTA HERE, NOW, C'MON.

GODAMN, Y'ALL COME ON NOW.

GOLD IS UP 10 POINTS."

GOOD GOD, ALMIGHTY, IS THAT,

GOOD LUCK."

GOTTA DO SOMETHING.

GOTTA TALK ABOUT 'EM.

HAS CRACK SPRINKLED ALL OVER THEM ?

HAVE A HEART,

HAVE YOU EVER HAD SOMETHING HAPPEN

HE ACTUALLY JUST PICKED A BLACK BABY UP...

HE DID NOT HESITATE OR NOTHING.

HE DIDN'T NEED TO TALK, I KNEW JUST WHAT HE WAS TALKING ABOUT,

HE DIDN'T SAY SHIT.

HE DIDN'T SAY TWO WORDS TO ME,

HE FUCKED MARILYN MONROE.

HE HAS A CAPE AND EVERYTHING.

HE JUST LOOKED AT ME, HE WAS LIKE...

HE JUST PULLED UP IN FRONT OF AN OLD, RICKETY BUILDING

HE KNOWS THE LAW.

HE KNOWS WHO HE'S GONNA VOTE FOR,

HE LIED, WHICH I THOUGHT, I THOUGHT THAT WAS SPECIAL.

HE LOOKED AT ME AND SAID, "DAVE, JUST RELAX.

HE LOOKED AT ME LIKE I WAS CRAZY.

HE MIGHT NEED MY HELP.

HE SAID, "DON'T BUST THAT NUT YET, WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK."

HE SAID, "FUCK YOU, ******, I GOT KIDS TO FEED !"

HE SAID, "THAT WAS GOOD, WASN'T IT ?!

HE STARTS CONFESSING THINGS HE SHOULDN'T CONFESS.

HE WAS A NICE GUY, TALKING TO ME AND SHIT.

HE WAS FROM NIGERIA.

HE WAS JUST STANDING THERE.

HE WAS PROBABLY LOOKING AT KENNEDY'S PICTURE AND SHIT...

HE WAS SCREAMING AND CRYING.

HE WAS WALKING OVER THERE, THIS MAN WAS HIGH AS SHIT.

HE WOULDN'T BUY A HOUSE.

HE'D BE IN MEETINGS EMBARRASSING AMERICA.

HE'D BE LOOKING IN THE CAR...

HE'D BE SELLING NUCLEAR SECRETS

HE'S A BUSY MAN.

HE'S A WHITE GUY, YOU KNOW, WE WERE JUST HANGING OUT,

HE'S BEEN DRINKING.

HE'S BUSIER THAN KENNEDY WAS.

HE'S JUST NOT GONNA TELL ME.

HE'S LIKE, "BITCH, I LIVE IN A FUCKIN' TRASH CAN !

HE'S LIKE, "I SNUCK IN THE CLUB, ****** !

HELLO ?!"

HELP, MOTHERFUCKER, THEY'RE COMING TO GET ME !"

HER HOUSE'LL BE COMFORTABLE AS SHIT.

HER TITTIES ARE ALL MASHED TOGETHER.

HEY, 911, HOW ARE YA ?

HEY, GUYS, THANK YOU VERY MUCH,

HIM AND HIS BROTHER, BOBBY, FUCKED MARILYN MONROE !

HOW COULD ANYONE ELSE KNOW ?

HOW DO THEY EXPECT YOU TO SOUND ?

HOW DO THEY KNOW I DON'T TALK LIKE THAT EVERY DAY ?

HOW FUCKING BEAUTIFUL YOU ARE.

HOW OLD YOU ARE.

HOW'D YOU KNOW I WAS GONNA GET SOME CHICKEN ?"

I ASKED HIM, I SAID, "HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT ?

I BEEN GONE, MAN, IT TOOK ME YEARS

I BEEN TRYING TO TELL BROTHERS THAT.

I BETCHA HE WORKED AT KINNEY SHOES

I CAN TELL THAT'S WHAT CLINTON WAS UP TO.

I CAN'T CONDONE THIS KIND OF BEHAVIOR.

I CAN'T GO TO THE BANK LIKE THAT.

I CAN'T LET THE FEAR RUIN MY MORALS.

I CAN'T STOP CRYING."

I COMPLAIN, BUT, I'M HAPPY I'M WITH SOMEBODY.

I COULD NOT BELIEVE IT.

I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT, HE SAYS, "OH, OH...

I COULDN'T GET OVER THAT, MAN.

I COULDN'T REALLY SAY SHIT TO THE GUY !

I DID MAN, I KNOW HOW HE DID IT.

I DIDN'T KNOW HE WAS TAKING ME TO THE GHETTO AT FIRST.

I DIDN'T KNOW I COULDN'T DO THAT."

I DIDN'T THINK THERE WAS ANYTHING RACIAL ABOUT IT.

I DO, IT MAKES ME SICK.

I DON'T EVEN LOOK AT THEIR POLITICAL POLICIES.

I DON'T EVEN TALK LIKE THAT.

I DON'T GOT NO ELIAN JOKES.

I DON'T KNOW HOW THIS GUY GOT A MACHINE GUN ON THE PLANE,

I DON'T KNOW WHAT HIS POLITICS ARE.

I DON'T READ 'EM, BUT, I BE SEEIN' THE COVER.

I DON'T SAY THAT OUT LOUD.

I DON'T THINK ANY BLACK DUDE WOULD THINK TO SAY THAT.

I DON'T THINK THAT NOBODY WOULD REALLY, REALLY HURT ME.

I DON'T THINK THEY'D TOUCH ME...

I DON'T WANNA BE SINGLE, I DON'T LIKE THAT.

I DON'T WANT SOMEBODY TO SEE ME AND SAY...

I FEEL A LITTLE SORRY FOR HER.

I FEEL BAD FOR HER.

I GET SICK OF THAT SHIT.

I GOT A DRIVER'S LICENSE, TOO.

I GOT BACK IN THE CAR AND ROLLED ME A JOINT, MAN.

I GOT NO SAY IN THE MATTER.

I GOTTA DO SOMETHING.

I GOTTA PREPARE MYSELF.

I HAD A LIMOUSINE DRIVER,

I HAD A LIMOUSINE DRIVER, IT WAS AFTER A SHOW,

I HAD TO TURN THE CHANNEL REAL QUICK.

I HAVE DREAMT OF BEING FAMOUS, BUT,

I HAVE SEEN SOME SHIT NOW.

I HAVE TO DO WHAT I HAVE TO DO.

I HAVE YET TO SEE ONE OF US ON THE NEWS

I JUST CRACKED THE WINDOW A LITTLE BIT.

I JUST LOOK AT THEIR CHARACTER.

I KNEW IT WAS A BAD IDEA.

I KNOW A LOT OF DUDES WITH THEM SHORTCOMINGS.

I KNOW A LOT OF YOU SISTERS WILL BE LIKE,

I KNOW I DID, I WAS TAPING IT.

I KNOW THAT'S GROSS, IT'S GROSS,

I KNOW THERE'S A LOT OF WOMEN IN HERE

I KNOW, MAN, IT'S BEEN A WHILE, IT'S BEEN A WHILE.

I LEARNED THAT SHIT IN NEW YORK,

I LEFT D.C. IN THE 80s, IT WAS NOT LIKE THIS IN THE 80s.

I LOOK OUT THE WINDOW,

I LOOKED OVER AND HE WAS LOOKIN' RIGHT AT MY FACE, MAN.

I LOOKED OVER, THERE WAS ONE OTHER BLACK DUDE.

I LOOKED RIGHT BACK AT HIM.

I MEAN THERE COULD BE A BLACK PRESIDENT ONE DAY,

I MEAN, C'MON, THAT'S ONE DICK

I MEAN, COME ON, NOW, LET'S BE HONEST,

I MEAN, COME ON, THE CAR SMELLS LIKE WEED,

I MEAN, I WAS FUCKIN' DISGUSTED,

I MEAN, I'D BE THE FIRST BLACK PRESIDENT,

I MEAN, IF YOU GET PULLED OVER,

I MEAN, IT MADE ME SAD, IT MADE ME SAD, IT REALLY DID.

I MEAN, IT WAS SO BLATANT, YOU WERE JUST LIKE, "WOW !"

I MEAN, IT'S A 911 TAPE.

I MEAN, LIKE, I WAS WITH MY NEPHEW,

I MEAN, MAYBE YOU SHOULD'VE SEEN SOMETHING

I MEAN, NO GUY EVER THOUGHT OF THAT.

I MEAN, REALLY, HOW COULD YOU KNOW, THOUGH ?

I MEAN, THE SECOND OR THIRD, THAT'S FINE,

I NEED SOME INFORMATION."

I NEVER DREAMT OF BEING THAT FAMOUS.

I NEVER UNDERSTOOD HOW FAMOUS A PRESIDENT WAS,

I SAID, "CHIP, NO ! CHIP, DON'T DO IT !

I SAID, "GET OUTTA HERE, CRACKIE !"

I SAID, "HOW DID HE KNOW,

I SAID, "NOW, PAY ATTENTION TO THIS GUY

I SAID, "OH, SHIT !"

I SAID, "UM HMM, I LIKE THAT."

I SAID, "WHEW ! SESAME STREET.

I SAW ONE THING ON THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL,

I SEE THE SHOWS, THEY TAPE 'EM,

I SEE THIS SHIT IN THE MAGAZINES.

I SEEN THE TAPES, REMEMBER THE TAPES ?

I STARTED FREAKING OUT.

I STARTED LOOKING OUT THE WINDOW,

I TRAVEL, NOW, YOU KNOW.

I TRIED TO EXPLAIN TO HIM IT WAS A BAD IDEA,

I TRIED.

I TURNED ON "SESAME STREET".

I UNDERSTAND THAT KIND OF BEHAVIOR.

I USED TO THINK D.C. HAD THE ROUGHEST GHETTOS

I USED TO WATCH HIM WHEN I WAS LITTLE."

I WAS AT HOME, LIKE, "YEAH, WAS HE AROUSED ?"

I WAS COMING FROM OVERSEAS, AND,

I WAS DANCING WITH A GIRL AND THE DJ SAID,

I WAS DISGUSTED 'CAUSE I WAS LIKE 10 YARDS AWAY FROM HER,

I WAS FUCKING SHOCKED !

I WAS HANGING OUT WITH A FRIEND OF MINE.

I WAS IN MISSISSIPPI, DOIN' A SHOW,

I WAS IN NEW YORK CITY.

I WAS IN THE CRIB, I WAS LIKE,

I WAS JUST SHOCKED BECAUSE I WOULD'VE

I WAS LIKE, "ALRIGHT LADY, FINE, FINE !

I WAS LIKE, "GOD DAMN !"

I WAS LIKE, "MAN, CHIP, YOU GOT FUCKIN' LUCKY,

I WAS LIKE, "MAN, I GOTTA LOOK AROUND

I WAS LIKE, "OH, MY GOD !"

I WAS LIKE, "WHAT THE FUCK ?!"

I WAS LIKE, "WHAT THE FUCK ?"

I WAS LIKE, WHY IS HE TALKING LIKE THAT ?

I WAS ON A PLANE...

I WAS ON THE ROAD, ONE CLUB,

I WAS SHOCKED.

I WAS TAKEN TO THE GHETTO ONE TIME,

I WAS THE ONLY BROTHER ON THE PLANE.

I WASN'T EVEN MAD, I WAS JUST UPSET.

I WASN'T EXPECTING THAT !

I WASN'T READY TO HEAR THAT SHIT.

I WASN'T SHOCKED AT THE AUDACITY,

I WOULDN'T GO THERE IF I KNEW THE WAY.

I'D BE LIKE, "ALRIGHT, YOU TOO, MAN, PEACE."

I'D BE LIKE, "YEAH, THAT'S COOL FOR ME."

I'D BE SCARED OF TALKING TO THE POLICE

I'D BE SCARED TO CALL 911 FOR ANYTHING.

I'D BE, "OH, JUST BECAUSE I'M DRESSED THIS WAY,

I'D VOTE FOR CLINTON AGAIN, IF I COULD.

I'LL BE DEAD, I CAN'T DEFEND MYSELF.

I'LL BE IN THE GROCERY STORE,

I'LL BE SITTING THERE, WATCHING TV,

I'LL DO IT,

I'LL SUCK YOUR DICK !"

I'LL TELL YOU THAT SHIT."

I'M A PARANOID GUY, YOU KNOW, SO,

I'M ASKING YOU, YOU'RE A WHITE GUY,

I'M DEAD, I CAN'T EXPLAIN MYSELF TO MY BUDDIES AND SHIT.

I'M GLAD THAT WE'RE DOING A SHOW HERE BY HOWARD,

I'M GONNA HAVE TO ESCAPE ON FOOT."

I'M GONNA RACE 'EM."

I'M GONNA SEE SOMETHING CRAZY.

I'M GONNA TELL YOU THAT RIGHT NOW.

I'M IN THE WRONG BUSINESS, I SHOULD BE THE PRESIDENT,

I'M JUST BEING TRUTHFUL.

I'M JUST LEARNING THIS SHIT.

I'M JUST LOOKING AT HIS BEHAVIOR.

I'M JUST TALKING.

I'M LIKE, "NO, NO, NO,

I'M LOOKIN' AT HIM LIKE, "GOOD, GOD !

I'M NOT GONNA FALL FOR THAT SHIT.

I'M NOT GONNA SAY WHITE PEOPLE DIDN'T BELIEVE US,

I'M NOT SAYING I DON'T LIKE POLICE,

I'M NOT SAYING THAT.

I'M NOT SURE IF IT WAS A PROJECT, BUT,

I'M SAYING I'M JUST SCARED OF 'EM.

I'M SCARED OF A BABY.

I'M SCARED.

I'M SERIOUS, FOR SAFETY.

I'M SERIOUS, I HAD TO BUY TWO BAGS FROM HIM

I'M SERIOUS, MAN,

I'M SERIOUS, MAN.

I'M SERIOUS.

I'M SERIOUS.

I'M SERIOUS.

I'M SURE SOMEBODY WOULD WANNA HURT ME, BUT,

I'M TALKING GOOD LIKE,

I'VE BEEN ACCUSED OF HAVING SEX

I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT IT, SOMETIMES, SHIT'LL HAPPEN.

I'VE NOTICED THAT, THAT IS A CULTURAL THING.

IF A MAN COULD FUCK A WOMAN IN A CARDBOARD BOX,

IF ELIAN GONZALEZ WAS ELIAN MAMUMBO

IF ONE OF US EVEN START TO DO SOMETHING WRONG,

IF PUSSY WAS A STOCK,

IF SOMEBODY PUT THE PRESSURE ON ME,

IN ALL THIS TROUBLE.

IN FRONT OF A PROJECT IN A FUCKIN' LIMOUSINE !

IN NEWSWEEK, WHITE PEOPLE WERE LIKE, "OH, MY GOD.

IN THE COUNTRY.

IN THE MIDDLE OF A CROWDED DISCO, RIGHT ?

IN THE OLD DAYS.

IN THE WAY WE'RE GONNA SEE THINGS.

IN THEM GROUPS.

IN WASHINGTON, D.C.,

IS 'CAUSE I'M BLACK.

IS A QUALIFIED PARALEGAL AND SHIT,

IS THAT A BABY ?

IS THAT FINE WITH YOU ?"

IS THAT FINE WITH YOU, DAVE ?"

IS THAT HER BIRTH CANAL ?

IS THE WAY THAT MEN AND WOMEN

ISN'T HE KIDS ?"

ISN'T THAT WEIRD ?

IT AIN'T A REAL NICE HOUSE,

IT CERTAINLY HAD ALL THE FAMILIAR SYMPTOMS

IT DON'T MATTER HOW RICH YOU ARE,

IT HAPPENS VERY RARELY.

IT JUST IS.

IT JUST MIGHT NOT COME OUT RIGHT.

IT LOOKED LIKE HE JUST STUCK HIS HEAD

IT TEACHES KIDS HOW TO JUDGE PEOPLE,

IT TOOK ME A WHILE TO FIGURE THAT OUT.

IT WAS A DIFFERENT GIRL ACCUSING CLINTON.

IT WAS AN OLD LIMOUSINE, I CAN ROLL IT DOWN.

IT WAS LATE AT NIGHT,

IT WAS LIKE "JURASSIC PARK" AND SHIT,

IT WAS LIKE A FUCKING MOVIE.

IT WAS LIKE THREE IN THE MORNING,

IT WAS THE SAME BABY FROM THE PROJECTS,

IT WAS TOO LATE.

IT WAS WEIRD, HE DIDN'T EVEN TURN HIS RADIO DOWN,

IT WON'T BE NO BIG DEAL FOR YOU,

IT WOULD BE PLUMMETING RIGHT NOW

IT WOULD PLUMMET.

IT'LL BE JUST FACTS.

IT'S A SECRET.

IT'S ALWAYS TAKES THE GUY ON THE SCENE A MINUTE.

IT'S AN EMERGENCY.

IT'S DANGEROUS OUT HERE, WE KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON.

IT'S DIFFERENT NOW.

IT'S IN THE MAY ISSUE."

IT'S NOT ILLEGAL TO TALK LIKE THAT.

IT'S ONE OF THE EASIER WAYS TO PROVE WHO I AM.

IT'S THE GODAMN COPS."

IT'S TOO MUCH PRESSURE.

IT'S TRUE.

JOHN F. KENNEDY ? REMEMBER HIM ?

JUST A LITTLE SUSPICIOUS ?

JUST BECAUSE THEY DRESS A CERTAIN WAY,

JUST PAT HER ON THE ASS, AND I'LL COME OUT !"

JUST PLUG YOUR EARS.

JUST TO MAKE MYSELF FEEL BETTER,

JUST TO SEE HOW THEY HANDLE IT AND SHIT.

JUST, SUCK HIS DICK, PLAY WITH HIS BALLS,

KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING ?

KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING ?

LET ME DO THE TALKING."

LET ME SEE YOUR DRIVER'S LICENSE

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, THAT IS CULTURAL THING.

LET'S BE HONEST.

LET'S GET OUT OF HERE."

LET'S THINK BACK FOR A MINUTE.

LIFE IS FLIMSY.

LIKE IT DIDN'T EVEN HAPPEN TO YOU,

LIKE MEN AREN'T GENTLEMEN ANYMORE ?

LIKE WITH A LAWYER OR SOMETHING,

LIKE YOU WAS WATCHING "MISSISSIPPI BURNING",

LIKE, "TAKE IT EASY, PEPE !!"

LIKE, I HEAR WOMEN SAY THIS ALL THE TIME.

LIKE, I'M GONNA SEE SOME WILD SHIT,

LIKE, SEE, I'D NEVER VOTE FOR GEORGE BUSH Jr.,

LIKE, SHOW BUSINESS BE CRAZY.

LIKE, WHAT THE FUCK ?

LONG AFTER SHE SPENT THAT MONEY UP,

LOOK HOW HAPPY HE LOOKS."

LOOKED LIKE HE JUST GOT DONE FUCKING OR SOMETHING.

LOOKING AT ME.

MAKE ME A WHORE."

MAN, I HAVE JUST BOUGHT WEED FROM AN INFANT."

MAN, THAT LIGHT TURNED GREEN AND CHIP TOOK OFF !

MAN, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME ?

MEN AND WOMEN JUST DON'T GET ALONG.

MEN HAVE NICE CARS.

MISS LEWINSKY."

MISUNDERSTANDINGS CAN HAPPEN.

MMMM.

MOVE IT."

MY NEPHEW WAS SITTING THERE, CRACKING UP.

MY OLD LADY COME UP TO ME.

NEVER THOUGHT TO SAY THAT.

NEW WHITE PEOPLE, YOU CAN'T SCARE THESE WHITE PEOPLE.

NO !"

NO, DON'T LOOK OVER THERE, NO, NO."

NO, FUCK THAT, ******, FUCK IT, I'M ON MY WAY !"

NO, I'M SERIOUS, YOU GOTTA READ BETWEEN THE LINES.

NO, ******, UH UH.

NOBODY CALLS 911 COOL AND RELAXED.

NOBODY CARES, NOBODY CARES.

NOBODY LOOK AT MY FACE !"

NOBODY WANNA GET THEIR ASS BEAT

NOBODY WANTS TO BE THE MOST FAMOUS COCKSUCKER

NOBODY WOULD DO THAT.

NOBODY'S HELPING ME."

NOT 'CAUSE THEY LIKE NICE CARS,

NOT ALL THE TIME, BUT,

NOT EVEN THE WOMEN FEEL SORRY FOR HER, LADIES ?

NOT GOOD IN THAT CLASSICAL WAY.

NOT IN THE WHITE HOUSE.

NOT JUST ANY OLD BLACK DUDES, WE'RE TALKING, YOU KNOW,

NOT YET."

NOW AGAIN, I'M NOT LOOKING AT HIS POLITICS.

NOW I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S A COINCIDENCE

NOW I'M SCARED TO EAT IT IN PUBLIC.

NOW THAT'S JEALOUSY.

NOW THERE'S NO COPS AROUND, RIGHT ?

NOW, BY TESTS, I MEAN THAT THOSE ARE THE THINGS

NOW, CHIP DIDN'T EVEN KNOW HE COULDN'T RACE.

NOW, I DON'T LIKE TO LET MY FRIENDS DRIVE DRUNK,

NOW, I KNOW IT WAS A HIT AND RUN.

NOW, I KNOW THAT'S NOT AMAZING TO SOME OF YOU,

NOW, I'D NEVER BEEN THERE BEFORE,

NOW, I'LL SAY ANYTHING IF I'M SCARED,

NOW, I'M NOT DRIVING, CHIP IS DRIVING,

NOW, LISTEN,

NOW, LOOK WHAT HAPPENS...

NOW, THAT SHIT WOULD SOUND RIDICULOUS.

NOW, THAT WOULD BE LIKE ME, DAVE CHAPPELLE, THE COMEDIAN,

NOW, THIS IS WHEN I KNEW I WAS IN A BAD NEIGHBORHOOD.

NOW, YOU SEE THAT ?

NOW, YOU UNDERSTAND, I'M SCARED AS SHIT.

NOW...

OF A PROJECT.

OF ALL TIMES AND SHIT !

OF COURSE, YOU'RE GONNA BE SCARED.

OF TALKING TO THE POLICE HIGH.

OF WHAT I'M TALKIN' ABOUT.

OH, BOY."

OH, IT GETS WORSE.

OH, MAN, THE NEWS HAD NEVER BEEN SO GOOD.

OH, THERE'S SOME ROUGH, ROUGH AREAS

OH, YEAH, OH, YEAH.

ON HIS GENITALS."

ON THE MAGAZINES THAT GOT WOMEN GOING CRAZY.

ONE OF THE GIRLS WAS GETTING SO INTO IT,

ONE WHITE GUY IN IT.

OR SAFEWAY OR SOME SHIT LIKE THAT !

OUR TESTS IN LIFE ARE DIFFERENT.

OUT THE OFFICE DOOR AND SAID, "AHH, HELP !

OUTSIDE OF D.C.

PLEASE BELIEVE ME !"

PLEASE REPORT TO THE DJ BOOTH."

POPPING OUT THE TOP OF HER TURTLENECK AND SHIT.

READING THE HOSTAGE LETTER.

REALLY KNEW ABOUT THAT.

REMEMBER A GUY NAMED KENNEDY ?

REMEMBER WHEN CRACK WAS GOING ON ?

REMEMBER WHEN KATHLEEN WILLEY CAME OUT ?

REMEMBER, IT'S 3:00 IN THE MORNING.

RIGHT ?

RIGHT BACK INTO THE WATER.

ROLLED UP ON 'EM, "BOO !"

SAD !

SCARED OF 'EM.

SCREAMIN', "COOKIE, COOKIE, COOKIE !"

SEE, BLACK PEOPLE ARE VERY AFRAID OF THE POLICE.

SEE, EVEN WHEN I VOTE, RIGHT ?

SEE, I TALK LIKE THAT.

SEE, SEE, I'M JUST GUESSING.

SEE, THAT'S COMMON KNOWLEDGE NOW.

SEE, THE ONLY REASON I DON'T WANT TO BE PRESIDENT

SEE, WE GOTTA STOP JUDGIN' PEOPLE.

SEE...

SHE GOT HALF HER ASS HANGING OUT OF HER SKIRT,

SHE HAD NO WISDOM.

SHE LEAVES ME DEFENSELESS !

SHE WANTED TO FUCK A POWERFUL MAN, PERIOD,

SHE WAS UPSET, "THE PRESIDENT

SHE WASN'T THINKING ABOUT HOW POWERFUL THE PRESIDENT WAS.

SHE'D BE SINGING ALL NASTY AT HIS PARTY,

SHIT, I'M IN THE WRONG BUSINESS.

SHOW BUSINESS BRINGS A LOT OF RACES TOGETHER.

SO, DON'T EVEN TELL ME HOW TO GET TO "SESAME STREET",

SO, I WAS FEELING LIKE, REALLY BAD... "

SO, MEN GET COMFORTABLE SURROUNDINGS.

SO, SOMETIMES, I'LL MAKE UP SHIT

SOME OF THEM DIDN'T HAVE UNDERWEAR ON,

SOME OF THEM PULLING THEIR PANTS DOWN,

SOME OF THEM PULLING THEIR SKIRTS UP,

SOME WHITE DUDES ON THE FRONT OF THE PLANE SEEN US,

SOME WILD SHIT, I'LL TELL YOU THAT.

SOMEBODY BROKE INTO MY HOUSE ONCE,

SOMEBODY MIGHT RUN UP ON ME.

SOMEBODY'S GONNA NEED TO TALK TO THE POLICE.

SOMETIMES IT WORKS, SOMETIMES IT DON'T.

SOMETIMES PRESSURE MAKES ME TALK DIFFERENT.

SOMETIMES RACISM WORKS OUT IN BLACK PEOPLE'S FAVOR.

SOMETIMES YOU GO TO THEM SINGLE CLUBS,

SOMETIMES, I'LL TALK CRAZY

SOMETIMES, THIS WORLD IS TOO MUCH TO DEAL WITH.

SOMETIMES, WE WANNA CALL 'EM TOO.

STOP SUCKING THE AMBASSADOR'S DICK."

STOP TALKING IN THAT VOICE."

STRESSIN' HIM ALL OUT...

TERRORISTS ARE SMART.

TERRORISTS DON'T TAKE BLACK HOSTAGES.

THANK YOU !

THANK YOU, ALL.

THANK YOU, THANK YOU !

THAT BABY WAS STILL STANDING THERE, MAN.

THAT GIRL SUCKED THAT'S GONNA HAUNT HER

THAT GIRL WAS YOUNG, AND SHE MADE A MISTAKE

THAT GOOD AND SHIT.

THAT GUY RUINED CHICKEN FOR ME.

THAT GUY SNIFFED COCAINE, THAT'S RIGHT.

THAT HE IS A FAMOUS MAN.

THAT I WAS GONNA GET SOME CHICKEN ?"

THAT IS A BIG PART OF OUR CULTURE.

THAT IS A TERRIBLE PLACE.

THAT IS FUCKING CONFUSING.

THAT LOOKED LIKE A PROJECT.

THAT MIGHT BE FINE FOR A MAYOR,

THAT SHIT IS FUCKING INCREDIBLE, ISN'T IT ?

THAT SHIT IS INFURIATING.

THAT SHIT IS PRIVATE, YOU KNOW ?

THAT SHIT IS SOME WILD SHIT.

THAT SHIT WAS SCARY, MAN,

THAT WAS SO RACIST,

THAT WE DESIRE.

THAT WE UNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION.

THAT WE WERE LOST AND HIGH, AND SHIT,

THAT WOULD MAKE IT TOO HOT FOR ME.

THAT YOU DIDN'T EVEN GET MAD ?

THAT YOU USED TO WATCH WHEN YOU WERE LITTLE,

THAT YOUNG GIRLS MAKE.

THAT'S A GOOD TIME TO CALL 'EM, BUT, NO,

THAT'S A HARD THING TO BE FAMOUS FOR, MAN.

THAT'S A ROUGH CITY, MAN."

THAT'S A WASTE OF WEED.

THAT'S ALL THAT HAPPENED.

THAT'S ALRIGHT,

THAT'S AS FAR AS SHE THOUGHT THROUGH.

THAT'S CRAZY.

THAT'S CRAZY.

THAT'S FUCKED UP.

THAT'S HOW BAD GUYS USED TO TALK IN THE 40s.

THAT'S HOW I FEEL INSIDE.

THAT'S HOW IT GOES.

THAT'S HOW IT IS, BUT, AT THE TIME,

THAT'S HOW IT IS.

THAT'S HOW THEY ALWAYS GET ME.

THAT'S MY PROBLEM, I CAN'T HANDLE PRESSURE.

THAT'S NOT A NICE THING TO DO,

THAT'S NOT A NICE THING TO DO.

THAT'S NOT EVEN SLANG,

THAT'S NOT WHAT THEY SAY TO US.

THAT'S REALLY WHAT'S BUGGING ME ABOUT IT.

THAT'S RIGHT,

THAT'S STILL GONNA HAUNT HER.

THAT'S THE END OF THE STORY.

THAT'S THE STORY."

THAT'S THE THING, THERE'S SO MUCH STUFF TO WORRY ABOUT.

THAT'S THE TRUTH.

THAT'S TRUE.

THAT'S WHAT THAT IS.

THAT'S WHEN THAT WHITE FRIEND COMES IN HANDY.

THAT'S WHERE THE CULTURES REALLY COLLIDE.

THE BABY SAID, "I'M SELLING WEED, ****** !"

THE COOKIE MONSTER,

THE COP SAID, "WELL, NOW YOU KNOW.

THE COP WAS LIKE, "HEY, TAKE IT EASY.

THE DRIVER SAID, "I'LL BE RIGHT BACK."

THE ENTIRE SHOW.

THE GIRL GETS MAD AT YOU.

THE GIRL'S LIKE, "EXCUSE ME !"

THE HOUSE WAS TOO NICE.

THE LAST THING I'M GONNA SAY ABOUT IT IS THIS,

THE MAGAZINE'S START PICKING AT YOUR SELF ESTEEM.

THE MORE YOU DON'T KNOW, AND SHIT.

THE NEWS IS COMING ON."

THE OLD BABY ON THE CORNER TRICK, EH ?

THE OLD BLACK MAN WOULD POP OUTTA NOWHERE,

THE ONE THING I'M SEEING,

THE ONLY ONE I FEEL SORRY FOR IS LEWINSKY,

THE ONLY THING I KNOW ABOUT GEORGE BUSH Jr. IS,

THE ONLY THING IN OUR SOCIETY THAT BOTHERS ME THE MOST,

THE OTHER CAR DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WE WAS RACIN' !

THE POLICE DID IT.

THE POLICE MIGHT PULL UP NEXT TO YOU ?

THE RACISM THING IS BUGGIN' YOU TOO MUCH."

THE SAME BUSINESS CALL,

THE STAKES ARE TOO HIGH IN THE WHITE HOUSE.

THE WAY BUSY MEN DO IT.

THE WHITE PEOPLE'D BE LOOKIN' AT D.C. FROM VIRGINIA

THEIR POLITICAL AFFILIATIONS.

THEM GIRLS WAS GOING OFF !

THEN I FINALLY UNDERSTOOD WHAT HE WAS SAYING,

THEN I STARTED FEELING BAD AGAIN.

THEN THE POLICE SEEN US AND PULLED US OVER.

THEN YOU WONDER WHY YOUR KIDS ROLL UP

THERE BE PEACE IN ISRAEL, FINALLY."

THERE WAS !

THERE WAS A FUCKIN' BABY STANDIN' ON THE CORNER !

THERE WAS A TIME WHEN ONLY MINORITIES

THERE'D BE SOME THUGS, AND IN THE GROUP,

THERE'S A FUNDAMENTAL DIFFERENCE

THERE'S A LOT OF WHITE PEOPLE WALKIN' AROUND, ISN'T THERE ?

THERE'S NOBODY WITH A PICK UP LINE

THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT.

THEY ARE ALL IMPORTANT TO WOMEN.

THEY CALLED HIM, "THE COUNT".

THEY CALLED THE WHITE HOUSE,

THEY COMING TO YOU LIKE, "HEY, HOW YOU DOING ?"

THEY DIDN'T COME OUT AND SAY, HE'S A PIMP.

THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY, RIGHT ?

THEY DON'T LIKE TO DIVULGE THAT INFORMATION

THEY FUCK WHO'S CLOSE TO THEM.

THEY GOT A CHARACTER ON THERE NAMED, OSCAR.

THEY GOT ONE OR TWO, SOMETIMES AS MANY

THEY JUDGE HIM RIGHT IN HIS FACE.

THEY KNOW BLACK PEOPLES ARE BAD BARGAINING CHIPS.

THEY KNOW WHAT THEY'RE DOING THERE, YOU KNOW ?

THEY PUT ON THAT SONG,

THEY SPRINKLED SOME CRACK ON HIM AND HE GOT BACK UP !

THEY START PLAYING THAT 911 TAPE ON THE NEWS,

THEY TREAT THIS GUY LIKE SHIT,

THEY USE THE TV TO PROGRAM US,

THEY WAS GETTIN' IT ON.

THEY WAS JUST FUCKIN' SHAKING THEIR BUTT.

THEY WERE GETTIN' IT ON.

THEY WERE LIKE, "HUH, OH, MY GOD !

THEY WOULDA PUSHED THAT LITTLE RUBBER TUBE

THEY'D BE LIKE, "HE'S STILL HERE !

THEY'D BE WATCHING THE NEWS,

THEY'LL PLAY THAT SHIT 30, 40 TIMES A DAY.

THEY'RE TERRORISTS.

THIS DON'T LOOK GOOD."

THIS IS ALMOST EXACTLY WHAT HE SAID.

THIS IS AN ELECTION YEAR,

THIS IS HOW CONFUSING IT IS.

THIS IS ONE THING THAT HAPPENS THAT'S FUNNY.

THIS IS THE PRACTICAL APPLICATION

THIS MAN WAS ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.

THIS ONE TIME, RACISM SAVED MY LIFE, MAN.

THIS WAS NOT GOOD.

THOSE WHITE GUYS ARE THE MOST DANGEROUS MOTHERFUCKERS

TO A SOUNDTRACK AND SHIT.

TO CALM MY NERVES.

TO DO WHAT HE DID.

TO GET THEM BLACK DUDE'S RESPECT.

TO GET TO DO THIS SHOW, BOY, D.C. HAS CHANGED.

TO RAY RAY AND BIG STEVE... "

TOO HOT.

TOOK THE KEYS WITH HIM AND JUST LEFT ME.

TOUCHING HIM AND SHIT, "EXCUSE ME.

TURNS OUT I'M GENETICALLY PREDISPOSED TO LIKING CHICKEN !

TWO SMACKS... !"

UH UH, UH UH.

UH UH...

USUALLY, YOU WANNA KNOW WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO THE GHETTO,

WALKING AROUND THE STREETS IN A COP UNIFORM.

WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SAID ?

WATCH OUT !"

WE ALL WATCH.

WE ALWAYS UNDERMINE THEIR FEELINGS.

WE CANNOT HAVE THAT SHIT IN THE WHITE HOUSE.

WE GOT EVERY REASON TO BE AFRAID OF THEM.

WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT SOME SHIT THAT I GOTTA DO.

WE NEED TO TALK."

WE STOP AT A RED LIGHT,

WE WAS DISGUSTED, BUT, WE KEPT WATCHING THE NEWS.

WE WERE BOTH SEEING THE SAME THING.

WE WERE JUST COMMUNICATIN'

WE WERE SITTING THERE, WE WERE WATCHING PEPE LEPIEU,

WE'LL BE ON A CALL, RIGHT ?

WE'RE JUST AFRAID OF 'EM.

WE'RE JUST NOT.

WE'RE NOT GONNA SEE EYE TO EYE ON THIS ISSUE,

WE'VE BEEN SPEEDING, THIS MAN IS FUCKING DRUNK !

WEED SMOKING FORNICATORS, THERE'S A LOT OF THEM.

WELL, I THOUGHT I WAS THE ONLY BROTHER.

WELL, IT'S TRUE, IT'S TRUE, MAN.

WELL, LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING ABOUT THOSE WHITE GUYS.

WELL, WE JUST SAY IT.

WHAT AM I THINKING ?

WHAT DOES THAT PROVE ?

WHAT IF I GET KILLED ?

WHAT KIND OF COOKIES ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT ?!

WHAT KIND OF FUCKIN' RAPIST IS THIS GUY ?!"

WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING UP ?!"

WHAT WE UNDERSTOOD WAS SIMPLE.

WHAT'S GOING ON OUT THERE ?"

WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU, DAVE ?"

WHEN CRACK WAS GOING ON,

WHEN I'M SLEEPY !

WHEN THE POLICE PULL ME OVER, I'LL TALK CRAZY.

WHEN YOU GET TAKEN AND YOU'RE NOT EXPECTING TO GO.

WHEN YOU'RE TAKEN, IT'S DIFFERENT.

WHERE'S THIS LIMOUSINE DRIVER ?

WHICH I DON'T, BUT...

WHICH IS TRUE.

WHITE PEOPLE DO NOT LIKE TO TALK ABOUT

WHO GETS SHOT AND SPRINKLES CRACK ON THEMSELVES ?

WHO WOULD WANNA LIVE IN A NEIGHBORHOOD LIKE THAT ?

WHO, WHAT, WHEN, WHERE, WHY.

WHY DIDN'T YOU SPREAD YOUR CHEEKS IN THE BEGINNING ?"

WITH A GIRL I DID NOT HAVE SEX WITH BEFORE,

WITH AT LEAST ONE DICK THEY REGRET.

WITH BINOCULARS AND SHIT.

WITH HIS EYES POPPING OUT OF HIS HEAD,

WOMEN LOVE COMFORTABLE SURROUNDINGS,

WOMEN WOULD TELL THE STORY WITH ALL THESE FEELINGS IN IT.

WOULDN'T YOU TURN YOUR RADIO DOWN ?

Y'ALL DO THAT ?

Y'ALL MAKE IT GOOD TO COME HOME, BOY, I SWEAR.

YEAH, I SEEN A THONG CONTEST.

YEAH, IT DOESN'T HAPPEN OFTEN.

YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT, SNUFFY !

YEAH, THAT'S SOME SCANDALOUS SHIT, ALRIGHT.

YEAH.

YOU BETTER BE CAREFUL."

YOU CAN HEAR IT WHEN THEY TELL STORIES.

YOU CAN JUST SEE HIM PIMPIN'.

YOU CAN SEE IT, YOU EVER HAVE THIS HAPPEN ?

YOU CAN SHOOT ME IF YOU WANT,

YOU CAN'T DO THAT TO THEM, YOU CAN'T.

YOU EVER BEEN AT A RED LIGHT,

YOU EVER BEEN PULLED OVER BEFORE ?

YOU EVER GO THROUGH THAT ? IT'LL MAKE YOU CRAZY.

YOU EVER HAVE THAT SOCIAL PRESSURE,

YOU EVER HEAR THIS VOICE ?

YOU EVER TALK TO SOMEBODY WHO'S FAKE,

YOU EVER WATCH LIKE, A CARTOON,

YOU GOT A COUPLE OF DRINKS IN YOU,

YOU GOT YOUR WHOLE LIFE AHEAD OF YOU."

YOU GOTTA MAKE LIFE INTERESTING LIKE THAT,

YOU HEAR A MAN TELL A STORY,

YOU KNOW A LOT OF BLACK PEOPLE CAN RELATE TO THIS.

YOU KNOW HE DID IT !

YOU KNOW HE DID IT !

YOU KNOW HOW WEED MAKE YOU FEEL GUILTY SOMETIMES ?

YOU KNOW WHAT BUSY MEN DO ?

YOU KNOW WHAT I WAS THINKING ?

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING ?

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING NOW ?

YOU KNOW WHY HISTORY DOESN'T TALK ABOUT THAT MUCH ?

YOU KNOW, AND YOU SEE WHITE PEOPLE COME BY

YOU KNOW, BECAUSE I WANTED TO HELP THE BABY.

YOU KNOW, I START FEELING BAD.

YOU KNOW, I'D BE SEEIN' THAT KINDA SHIT, MAN.

YOU KNOW, LIKE A LOT OF PEOPLE BE TELLING ME,

YOU KNOW, LIKE, YOU'RE A WHITE LADY,

YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES, I'LL BE ON A BUSINESS CALL,

YOU KNOW, THE MORE YOU KNOW,

YOU KNOW, WE WERE SMOKING A JOINT.

YOU KNOW, YOU'D BE EATING SOME CHICKEN...

YOU LOOK AT CLINTON, AND BLACK PEOPLE LIKE CLINTON.

YOU MIGHT AS WELL LEAVE ME

YOU ONLY SEE THIS IN THE WORST NEIGHBORHOODS.

YOU SEE GEORGE BUSH, HE'D BE LIKE, "EWWW !"

YOU SEE TOO MUCH.

YOU SEE WHAT JUST HAPPENED HERE ?

YOU START FEELING FATTER AND UGLIER,

YOU START TALKING LIKE CRAZY.

YOU THINK YOU'RE GONNA LIVE FOREVER,

YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M SAYING ?

YOU WERE JUST LIKE, "GODAMN, THAT WAS RACIST !"

YOU WOULD'VE NEVER HEARD ABOUT HIS ASS !

YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE WHAT THEY SAY TO US.

YOU'D BE WATCHING THE NEWS,

YOU'LL BE OUT AT A CLUB, A BAR, RIGHT ?

YOU'LL BE SCREAMING AT YOUR BEST FRIENDS,

YOU'LL BE WALKING DOWN THE STREET

YOU'RE A QUALIFIED AUTHOR NOW, GO WRITE A BOOK."

YOU'RE GIVING IT AWAY TOO EASY.

YOU'RE JUST KICKING WITH YOUR BOYS.

YOU'RE NOT GONNA SEE IT.

ZIG ZAGGIN' AND SHIT, SO, NO ONE COULD PASS,

911 EMERGENCY CALL.

'CAUSE HE WAS CHINESE,

'CAUSE IF HE WAS HAITIAN,

'CAUSE IT MATTERS MORE, IT MATTERS MORE.

'CAUSE IT MATTERS TO THEM.

'CAUSE IT WAS DELICIOUS.

'CAUSE MEN ARE HUNTERS AND THE CAR'S THE BAIT.

'CAUSE MY VICE PRESIDENT WOULD BE MEXICAN

'CAUSE NOW HE'LL LEARN HOW TO COUNT AND SPELL."

'CAUSE THEY TAPE THOSE PHONE CALLS.

'CAUSE THIS SHIT IS FLIMSY.

'CAUSE WHEN THE SHIT GOES DOWN,

'CAUSE, IT WAS A BABY.

"'CAUSE HE'S FUNNY.

"100 WAYS TO PLEASE YOUR MAN",

"AHH, THANK GOD, OFFICER, HELP US !

"AIN'T THAT RIGHT, SANTIAGO ?"

"ALRIGHT, BUDDY, ZIP IT UP,

"ALRIGHT, WE'RE GONNA CLOSE THE DEAL,

"AND FIGURE OUT WHERE I'M AT.

"AND HUNG UP PICTURES OF HIS FAMILY EVERYWHERE.

"AND I PUNCHED THAT ****** AND THEN I BROKE OUT.

"AND SEE IF I CAN SEE SOME LANDMARKS

"AND THAT ****** BOB SAID THIS,

"AND THEN HE PLACED MY HAND,

"APPARENTLY THE POLICE HAVE BEEN BEATING UP n****ES

"APPARENTLY, THIS ****** BROKE IN

"BABY, GO HOME, MAN.

"BABY, TURN THE LIGHTS OFF,

"BITCH, MY FAMILY'S HERE !"

"BITCH, WHERE IS MY MONEY ?

"BUT, YOU ARE WEARING A WHORE'S UNIFORM,

"C'MON, SIGN THE TREATY, BABY.

"CALLED ME INTO HIS OFFICE.

"CHIVALRY IS DEAD."

"CLOSE YOUR BUTT CHEEKS, RELAX !

"COME HERE, YOU LITTLE ****** BABY."

"COME ON BUDDY, COME ON BUDDY.

"D.C., WORD ?

"DAMN, LOOK AT THEM TITTIES !"

"DAVE, DAVE !

"DAVE, DAVE, COME ON WITH THE VOTING.

"DAVE, DAVE, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA,

"DAVE, YOU KNO YOU JUST GOTTA RELAX,

"DAVID,

"DAVID, WE NEED TO TALK."

"DOES NOT...

"DON'T DO THAT TO ME DAVID, THIS IS SERIOUS.

"EVERYBODY THAT WANTS TO BE IN THE THONG CONTEST

"EXCUSE ME ?!"

"EXCUSE ME.

"FUCK !"

"FUCK YOU, ******, I'LL KILL YOU !

"GATHERING OUTSIDE OF MY HOUSE.

"GET A JOB, GROUCH."

"GET IT TOGETHER, GROUCH."

"GET ON THE FUCKING GROUND !

"GET OUT HERE, ****** !"

"GO WRITE A BOOK.

"GOTCHA BITCH !"

"GREAT, GREAT, YOU HAVE A GOOD WEEKEND, DAVE."

"GREAT, YOU HAVE A GOOD WEEKEND, DAVE."

"GUN STORE, GUN STORE, LIQUOR STORE, GUN STORE...

"HA, THAT'S HOW I TALK, SEE ?!"

"HE BEGAN...

"HE LOVES IT !

"HELLO ?

"HELLO, EMERGENCY."

"HELLO, EMERGENCY."

"HELLO, WE HAVE GOT FIVE BLACK...

"HELP !

"HEY, BABY !

"HEY, BABY, STOP SELLING WEED, ALRIGHT ?

"HEY, BOB, WHO ARE YOU GONNA VOTE FOR ?"

"HEY, SUCK MY DICK, THERE'S A FUTURE IN IT."

"HEY...

"HI !

"HI, BIRD, I'M SICK, I NEED SOME SMACK, BIRD !"

"HI, BIRD."

"HI, BOB !

"HI, YES, WE JUST GOT HOLD OF A COPY

"HMM, I DON'T TRUST YOU EITHER, SORRY !"

"HOLD ON, ONE SECOND.

"HONEY, DID YOU SEE THIS ?

"HOW MANY TIMES MUST I SMACK YOU BEFORE YOU ACT RIGHT ?

"I DID NOT HAVE SEXUAL RELATIONS

"I DIDN'T KNOW I COULDN'T DO THAT."

"I DIDN'T TOUCH THAT BITCH, ******, I'LL KILL YOU !

"I DON'T THINK YOU HEARD ME THE FIRST TIME.

"I DON'T WANNA LEAVE NO MYSTERIES."

"I GOT THAT WEED IF YOU NEED ME !

"I GOTTA DO THIS, SEE !!

"I GOTTA GO."

"I GOTTA MAKE A STOP REAL QUICK."

"I HAD TO USE NECESSARY FORCE.

"I NEED MY PENIS SUCKED BEFORE MY 3:30, C'MON !

"I SAW IT ON THE NEWS.

"I SAW THIS ONCE BEFORE WHEN I WAS A ROOKIE.

"I WAS ON MY PERIOD AND I JUST TALKED TO MY MOTHER.

"I WILL SIGN THE TREATY.

"I'D LIKE TO GIVE A SHOUT OUT

"I'M A LITTLE HIGH...

"I'M GONNA ASK 'EM FOR DIRECTIONS."

"I'M SORRY.

"I'M THE POOREST MOTHERFUCKER ON "SESAME STREET" !

"I'M TRYING TO TELL YOU ABOUT FUCKING MY WIFE HERE,

"I'VE BEEN COUNTING.

"IF I SEE GEORGE BUSH, I'LL KICK HIS MOTHERFUCKIN' ASS

"IT IS NO SECRET DOWN HERE

"IT WAS ME AND BOB, WE WAS AT SAFEWAY.

"IT'S 3:00 IN THE MORNING.

"JUST BECAUSE I'M DRESSED THIS WAY

"JUST CALM DOWN, SIR, WHERE ARE YOU ?"

"JUST LIKE IT SAID IN THE ENCYCLOPEDIA.

"JUST SPRINKLE SOME CRACK ON HIM,

"LIKE HOTCAKES !

"LISTEN, LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, AMERICA.

"LOOK AT HIM.

"MAN, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME ?

"MASSAGING MY BREASTS SLOWLY...

"MM MMM !"

"MR. PRESIDENT !

"MR. PRESIDENT,

"******, DON'T DO THAT, THAT'S 5 TO 10 !

"NO, LET HIM FINISH.

"NO, NO, NO, NO PAPERWORK.

"NO, NO... !

"NOW GET OUT THERE AND BE SOMEBODY !

"NOW, EVERYBODY KNEW, AS SOON AS YOU WALKED THROUGH

"OF DAVE CHAPPELLE'S FRANTIC,

"OH !"

"OH, HEY, WHERE YOU FROM, DOG ?

"OH, MY GOD !

"OH, MY GOD !

"OH, OH, I SHIT ON MYSELF !

"OH, OH, I'M SORRY MR. CHAPPELLE,

"OH, OH, MAN.

"OH, OH... "

"OH, OKAY, DAVE, WE'RE GONNA CLOSE THE DEAL,

"OH, THAT'S IT,

"OH, WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A MINUTE !

"OH, WHAT'S UP, ******, WHAT ?

"ON THE NASDAQ.

"ONE, TWO !

"OPEN AND SHUT CASE, JOHNSON !

"OSCAR, YOU ARE SO MEAN.

"PLEASE BELIEVE ME !

"REMEMBER VIEWERS, SOME OF THIS LANGUAGE IS DISTURBING."

"RIGHT THIS WAY.

"SEE, SOMETIMES YOU GOTTA TAKE THE PUSSY, LIKE PEPE !"

"Sí, Sí !

"SLOW DOWN, WHAT THE FUCK ?

"SO, ANYWAY, I WAS FUCKING MY WIFE IN HER ASS, RIGHT ?

"SON, SON,

"SORRY, FELLA, ALL FULL.

"SORRY, OFFICER, I...

"SPREAD YOUR CHEEKS AND LIFT YOUR SACK."

"STOP TALKING LIKE THAT !"

"STOP TALKING LIKE WHAT, 'COPPER ?!

"TAKE IT EASY NOW, TAKE IT EASY.

"THAT BLACKS AND CHICKENS

"THAT IS NOT HOW WE DO BUSINESS HERE, SIR.

"THAT ****** WAS ON PCP, JOHNSON !

"THAT'S THE STORY."

"THE CHICKEN !"

"THE GODDAMNED DOOR,

"THERE'S A GROUP OF HOODED WHITE MEN

"THEY IS TREATING US GOOD.

"THIS IS MUCH BETTER

"THOSE DAYS ARE OVER."

"THUGS".

"TODAY, PUSSY PLUMMETED AGAIN

"UH OH, ERNIE, WANNA GET THIS ONE ?

"UH, WE ALL CHILLIN' AND SHIT.

"UHH...

"WAIT A MINUTE."

"WAS HE AROUSED ?"

"WE HAVE REG CHAPMAN ON THE SCENE, REG ?

"WELL, ALRIGHT, BYE BYE."

"WELL, FIRST OF ALL, YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND,

"WELL, LET'S SPRINKLE SOME CRACK ON HIM

"WELL, ******, SOMETIMES YOU GOTTA RACE, I DON'T KNOW."

"WELL, THAT LOOKS DANGEROUS.

"WHAT ?

"WHAT ?"

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T HAVE ANY I.D. ?"

"WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED, GET TO IT !"

"WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU ?"

"WHERE THE FUCK YOU TAKING ME ?!

"WITH THAT WOMAN...

"WOW, THAT HAPPENED TO ME, I WAS IN MISSISSIPPI."

"YEAH, AH, LOOK,

"YEAH, IT SOUNDS GOOD TO ME."

"YEAH, OSCAR, YOU'RE A GROUCH !"

"YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, BUT, WHO ARE YOU VOTING FOR ?"

"YOU ARE NOT A WHORE.

"YOU BETTER BE CAREFUL, GO AHEAD, MOVE IT.

"YOU GUYS TRY AND HURRY."

"YOU HEARD ME, SPREAD OPEN YOUR CHEEKS

"YOU KNOW DAVE SHIT ON HIMSELF RIGHT AFTER THE BULLET ?

"YOU KNOW, YOU SHOULD LOWER TAXES."

"YOU SAW HIM !

"YOU WERE GONNA GET SOME CHICKEN.

"YOU, YOU, COME HERE, COME HERE !"

"YOU'RE ON THIRD STREET.

"YOU'VE BEEN LATE FOUR TIMES,

( applause )

( applause )

( applause )

( applause )

( applause )

( applause )

( applause )

( applause )

( applause )

( applause )

( applause )

( applause )

( applause )

( audience ) NO !!

( audience howling )

( Cagney voice ) "AHH... "

( Cagney voice ) "NOW, SEE... !

( Cagney voice ) "YEAH, 'CAUSE I'M BLACK, SEE, YEEAAAHHH !"

( Cagney voice ) "YEAH...

( cheers and applause )

( laughing )

( laughter )

( laughter )

( laughter )

( laughter )

( laughter )

( laughter )

( laughter )

( laughter )

( laughter and applause )

( laughter and applause )

( loud applause and laughter )

( male ) SCANDALOUS !

( male in audience ) YES !!!!

( ****stani accent ) "EVERYBODY,

( slurping noises )

( whispering ) I THINK THOSE BLACK GUYS ARE GONNA TRY TO SAVE US."

( wild applause )

( wild applause )

( wild applause )

( wild applause and laughter )

( wild laughter )

( women ) NO !

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY ♪

♪ LET ME SEE SOME, THONG, THONG, THONG... ♪

♪ MR. PRESIDENT... ♪

♪ UP IN HERE, UP IN HERE ♪

♪ UP IN HERE, UP IN HERE ♪

♪ UP IN HERE, UP IN HERE ♪

♪ UP IN HERE, UP IN HERE ♪

♪ UP IN HERE, UP IN HERE ♪

♪ UP IN HERE, UP IN HERE ♪

♪ UP IN HERE, UP IN HERE ♪

♪ UP IN HERE, UP IN HERE ♪

♪ WE'RE NOT GONNA TAKE IT ♪

♪ Y'ALL GONNA MAKE ME ACT A FOOL ♪

♪ Y'ALL GONNA MAKE ME ACT A FOOL ♪

♪ Y'ALL GONNA MAKE ME GO ALL OUT ♪

♪ Y'ALL GONNA MAKE ME GO ALL OUT ♪

♪ Y'ALL GONNA MAKE ME LOSE MY COOL ♪

♪ Y'ALL GONNA MAKE ME LOSE MY COOL ♪

♪ Y'ALL GONNA MAKE ME LOSE MY MIND ♪

♪ Y'ALL GONNA MAKE ME LOSE MY MIND ♪