American Housewife - Season 1 Edit

A business owner wants to modify a sign

A dead moose head on the wall, we got Mom!

A death obsessed 7 year old a pet with a high mortality rate.

A defective shirt from the outlet mall.

A downstairs bathroom with reliable plumbing?

A human second grader?

A leisurely half hour dump every morning?

A lot of people would think that that is too much information, but not us.

A nine volt battery, and a small pile of cheese puffs.

A science textbook? A doctor?

A single tubby person in this place all afternoon.

About blowing off the family camping trip?

About myself and my well nourished body?

About the challenges with our children.

About your dirty secrets.

Across the street drinking champagne with Viv?

Acting like a 40 year old trying to act like a teenager.

Actually, I sustained some burns that aren't visible,

Actually, somebody did get hurt.

Actually, sweetie, Mommy and Daddy stole your ponies.

Adorable, really.

Against my will?

Agreed. I regretted it the moment I said it.

Ah, Dr. Ellie's really helping Anna Kat with her OCD.

Ah, whittling accident.

Ah, would you look at that.

Ahh. [Gasps]

All of her friends are just so attractive.

All right, fine. Fine, you win, okay?

All right, I'm just gonna say it true.

All right.

All the housekeepers in town are friends.

All the roads are closed.

All those horrible women in this town.

Am I in?

Am I that good, or is he that dumb?

An awkward disaster?

An expensive shirt for 40 bucks

And a total waste of feminine energy.

And act like part of this family?

And all of her posts are about what a perfect mommy she is.

And Anna Kat will not only be the weird kid,

And Anna Kat's reputation is safe.

And are you sorry?

And by any chance, do you have

And catch nothing...

And Christmas at Katie's,

And don't say that you love it.

And don't use any of the words Mama screams

And double time, just like you suggested.

And ever since then, Luz and I have been business partners.

And fast.

And fired her.

And gays raising kids together?

And get her into Fat Pam's house,

And go home to my crappy house, my sweet husband,

And Greg wants to join the stupid Historical Guild.

And he just didn't get that his thing really wasn't my thing

And he was super into model trains.

And his stupid camping.

And I actively avoid people with three names.

And I booked us a three bedroom suite at the Velvet Zen Spa.

And I brought the fish back.

And I really don't want to hear

And I refuse to participate

And I saw you unbutton your pants at that stoplight.

And I'll turn right back around.

And I'm back.

And I'm going to be

And I'm gonna love getting my hands on you.

And I'm not afraid of cookies, Luz!

And immediately start chopping wood for the fire.

And implied that it was my fault.

And it never crossed your mind to share that?

And it sure doesn't help that we're living

And it sure doesn't help that we're living

And it's like stepping into a really bright spotlight.

And it's making me feel really bad about something

And it's not really even the trains,

And it's tearing this country apart.

And let me talk about Nathan Fillion's hair.

And mother to mother, I promise you

And never pee at a state fair.

And no one can drop one in your downstairs bathroom.

And on the playdate...

And once Fat Pam is gone, I am going to be the s...

And operate the switch track,

And rehire your housekeeper, and I won't tell anyone

And ruin it for Greg.

And ruining your marriage.

And screw over your partner.

And she made a playdate with a second grader.

And she's bigger than me, right?

And someday, you're gonna have a gazillion friends

And Stan won't let you into the Historical Guild?

And start texting all of Westport

And take the shoelaces out of your shoes.

And that is a direct order.

And the truth is, Two Fitbits was right.

And then Anna Kat will never have another playdate again.

And then there's me.

And then try to slap some sense into Oliver.

And then you just run.

And then you walk and then you run.

And there it was again...

And there it was.

And there's good stuff and there's crappy stuff, like this.

And they always end up more like Ocean's Twelve.

And they're just totally giving...

And they're made to feel bad about themselves.

And this is the only weekend that we could get Ed's cabin.

And this is what happens.

And those eyes... I don't think she blinked the entire time.

And those stupid green drinks.

And try to get out of it.

And unless you want our daughter

And we are so sorry that we let the lie go on for this long.

And what principle is that?

And when he does wear clothes,

And when you two put the candlestick back,

And where are you getting your information?

And who are you dressing up for, Oliver?

And yet, now she's fighting me

And you actually screamed?

And you can't do what's best for you

And you didn't even hurt yourself.

And you have to be honest.

And you might just like it.

And you ruined it.

And your legal name isn't Chloe Brown Mueller.

And your mom's interested.

And your sisters are interested.

And, Stan, I remember you saying that you had actual cannonballs

And, to be honest, I don't care if you're not interested.

Anna Kat did.

Anna Kat has a touch of the anxieties

Anna Kat told me about scaring away

Anna Kat, close the door, honey.

Anna Kat, honey,

Anna Kat, we know that you're lying.

Anna Kat! Do not pee in the yard!

Anna Kat's a criminal

Anna Kat's finally old enough to camp with us,

Anna... Ah, forget it.

Another one of your bled through my pants stories.

Any skinnies who seem interested,

Anyway, I'd like it if you joined us.

Apology accepted.

Apparently, I could.

Apparently, today, he brought in a single can

Are you sure?

Are you sure?

Are your floors heated?

Aren't you home here?

Around my neck and have no friends.

As a leading onion producer alive, huh?

As a leading onion producer in America.

At least now I can stop suppressing my thick Norwalk accent.

Aw, that's great, sweetie.

Be at Ed's cabin by noon,

Be right back.

Because I can't tell if she's kidding.

Because I don't want to catch people's invisible germs.

Because I thought it would be easier for Luz to care for,

Because we're not going camping.

Because your mom can never find the mopping cloth refills,

Because your mom can never find the mopping cloth refills,

Because...

Before I even knew about it...

Being fat.

Being with someone I can't stand

Besides, your whole life is camping.

Both: She's Chloe Brown Mueller.

Boys trip.

Brand new bag of flour.

Breakfast, Taylor.

Bring in some damn cans of food for the food drive tomorrow,

Bring me my money, Oliver.

Bring us champagne in the living room!

But Angela needs me.

But Anna Kat has a playdate at the house

But Chloe lied.

But deep down, I love it!

But do you have anything to drink?

But every time I look at that chair,

But for now, cheers. To the low road.

But how do you get a racist homophobe

But I didn't listen.

But I drove him to it.

But I flipped off that switch years ago.

But I got some errands to run.

But I got the fire started.

But I hate the thought of you guys being on an adventure without me.

But I thought you said Alan brought you flowers yesterday.

But if I don't get 100 likes a day, I can't sleep.

But it'll all be worth it.

But it's not coming soon enough to help me.

But it's not in the family newsletter.

But memories.

But she's growing up to be one of them.

But she's wearing two of them.

But shouldn't you be focusing on your kids who needs focusing?

But still, it's a victory. We should celebrate.

But Taylor is a teenager.

But the least I can do is help them

But there's Evelyn, there's Pam,

But this is gonna be great.

But this year, Angela's divorce got you out of it,

But we both know the second that we leave here,

But we're partners

But when we look in each other's eyes,

But why are you such a liar?

But you can't leave. We've got a good thing going.

But you have to dress for the life you want,

But you're not really sick?

But, evidently, camping with me is worse than

Bye!

Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Call you Pie Guy, so now that's stuck in my head.

Came here to talk to you about something a little awkward.

Camping... no electronics.

Can I get you to taste one and tell me what you think?

Can I go?

Can we come in?

Can we?

Can't we just bring it ourselves?

Celeste never even wanted to carry a child.

Chloe Brown Mueller fired her housekeeper for stealing.

Chloe Brown Mueller,

Chloe Brown Mueller?

Chloe Brown Mueller.

Chloe took it as proof that Roberta stole

Chloe, I'd love to learn what that is.

Clean.

Close the door, baby.

Colonial onion pie is supposed to be awful.

Colonial onion pie?

Come be amazed.

Come in.

Come on, sweetie.

Come on.

Coming right up.

Coming, honey.

Coming, Miss Viv!

Convinced I was dying.

Cool.

Couch kind of just swallows you up

Could I do such a thing

Could I talk to you for a minute?

Crowd? What crowd?

Dad, I'll leave you to handle this.

Damn it, that's a fine woman.

Damn it. He's right.

Damn you, Fat Pam.

Damn.

Deal.

Did he just say we're drinking our own urine?

Did the track go around the top of the kitchen?

Did we just take a picture together?

Did you actually write that on the paper?

Did you hear her voice?

Did you see the light in his eyes?

Do we have to tell the truth?

Do you know what you are, Katie?

Do you know when you'll be done with it?

Do you think Anna Kat stealing is related to her OCD?

Do you think maybe this is one of those times?

Does losing a favorite shoe on the ferry to Nantucket count as a regret?

Does the name Natalie Ryan ring a bell?

Don't be negative, Oliver.

Don't do something nice for me

Don't feel the need to include me in your story.

Don't most people go camping in the summer?

Don't touch me. It's all right, darling.

Don't worry, sweetie

Dry ice would have made this so much sexier.

Dry socks.

Eagle Scouts.

Easy money.

Easy peasey chicken squeezie.

Eating soft cheeses while I was pregnant with you,

Eh.

Enough about me and my bitter lesbian divorce.

Even he says all three names.

Even though it means Chloe will tell everyone

Even though the pie literally made Stan

Everybody wins.

Everyone walk away a winner.

Everyone's crazy.

Everything?

Everything.

Ew.

Except for the hygiene part, this is wildly encouraging.

Excuse me?

Excuse me?

Fair enough.

Fat Pam? Rich Fat Pam?

Feels like a trap.

Finally get to play ponies together.

Fine, don't tell me the truth.

Fine.

Fine. Then I'm going across the street to talk to Luz.

Fine. Then I'm gonna need more champagne and more cookies.

First, she skips her hand washing routine.

Fix them, and sell them to kids in Norwalk for a profit.

Flat stomachs, tight, high asses,

Folks down at the Historical Guild

Footsteps, footsteps! Sorry to have you wait,

For Anna Kat's playdate this morning.

For doing what, holding hands during germ tag?

For someone other than yourself.

For the last vial of our family sperm.

For the love of all things, where was I?

For this quality daddy daughter toilet time.

For You shouldn't be eating that or driving that,

Friends are more important than germs?

Friends are more important than germs.

Friends are more important than germs.

Friends are more important than germs.

Friends are more important than germs.

From Chloe Brown Mueller?

Gail!

Germs are made up.

Get out the door tomorrow morning.

Get that fixed. It's awkward.

Girl, you so crazy.

Give me one reason to stay here,

Good thing I bought all those Swiffers.

Good. Now I won't have to find a sharp rock to kill myself with

Goodbye, Viv.

Greg pretty much wants to have sex with me all the time anyway.

Greg, don't be so surprised.

Greg, you're always taking the high road.

Greg, you're cooking.

Greg: Hey, Katie, come on.

Greg: Is it?

Greg: It's not that funny.

Greg!

Greg?

Greg.

Greg's colonial onion pie.

Half the women in this country are over a size 14,

Hang on one sec.

Hang on one sec.

Hang on one sec.

Hanging out with someone you can't stand.

Happens.

Hashtag How long are you staying?

Hashtag Lucky.

Have a good day, sweetie.

Have a seat.

Have something important to ask you,

Hazing.

He actually thinks that I want to go.

He kept them in the garage,

He saw it at Swensons and thought it looked cool.

He's got a good point.

He's not naked.

He's the recording secretary of the Westport Historical Guild.

Hello, little lady.

Hello! Salt, please.

Hello. Hey. It's the pie guy.

Her hands are covered in egg.

Her I have to answer.

Here in Westport, Connecticut.

Here. It must be so cold out there.

Here's a great idea for a shelter.

Here's a Labradoodle on some idiot's boat.

Here's my counter.

Here's the cannonball.

Here's the rule of Second Breakfast.

Here's your cut.

Hey, guess what happened to me yesterday.

Hey, guys, I'm back.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

Hey, how is your friend Angela doing?

Hey, I didn't ask

Hey, I lined up the jobs for him,

Hey, look at that.

Hey, Mom.

Hey, my mother never talked to me about any of this stuff.

Hey, Norman.

Hey, that's my money!

Hey, we're whittling

Hey, where are you going?

Hey, would you like to come in for a glass of Sancerre?

Hey!

Hey!

Hey.

Hey. Can I bring my new fish?

Hey. Hey. Come on. Come on.

Hi, Anna Kat.

Hi, Chloe... Brown Mueller.

Hi, Gail.

Hi, neighbor.

Hi, Norm.

Hi!

Hi!

Hi!

Hi.

Hi.

His hair is so lustrous

Historically accurate.

Hmm.

Honest answer?

Honey, look who's at the door!

Hope the power never comes back on.

How about I ask one?

How about nothing?

How about this house that already covers us?

How are you stocked for feminine things?

How did this happen?

How did you get a pizza stain on the back of your shirt?

How do you know all this?

How do you not know and despise Chloe Brown Mueller already?

How do you think we should handle...

How you upholstered a chaise in your guest room?

How's school, Anna Kat?

Huh.

Huh.

I always feel a tiny bit sick, but not in a bad way.

I am giving it to a charity of my choosing.

I am real, and I need to keep my kids real

I am so glad you talked us into Westport.

I appreciate that.

I ate something weird.

I ate something weird.

I believe the simplest solution

I bought more shirts for you to fix and for me to sell.

I brought wood.

I brought you pillows.

I came up with a few ways

I can handle that.

I can re stitch this in two minutes, make it good as new.

I can still hear!

I can teach you how to make a shovel out of a dust pan and a curtain rod.

I can't do that. I don't have any of the stuff.

I cannot be expected to share his same interests, right?

I come into this house to see my dead friends.

I completely forgot to write a thank you note

I could say the same about you.

I did notice, but I didn't want to say anything.

I did say that.

I did something great for someone else.

I did very well.

I didn't even realize.

I didn't leave, and he really didn't leave me.

I dipped into my save jar.

I don't answer to you,

I don't believe in giving hand outs.

I don't eat them. I just like the smell.

I don't have time for off season family bonding.

I don't know if there's ever a good time for that.

I don't know what to do with you anymore.

I don't like it, Mom. I don't like it one bit.

I don't mean to impose,

I don't really speak Spanish.

I don't want it to freeze.

I don't want to fix more shirts.

I don't want to hear any plops

I don't want you to do anything you don't want to do.

I even tore some stuff with my teeth.

I feel good.

I finished the yardwork.

I forgot the fish food.

I gave that playdate one and a half stars.

I get to be a hero and blow off my family.

I got this.

I got to stop being such a bitch.

I guess we just do our best to avoid them.

I had to outbid

I had to. I couldn't let you go.

I have a 7 year old granddaughter I've never met

I have a 7 year old sister. You're not missing much.

I have a business to run.

I have a friend!

I have an idea.

I have certain information that can help

I have more pressing things to do.

I have to go back home.

I hear she's dating again.

I just got it washed.

I just remembered I have a family.

I just wanted to be one of the girls, I guess.

I just wanted to hang out with you and... your stuff.

I knew it.

I know

I know

I know that you were not the one who decorated this perfect home.

I know you think that I'm acting crazy,

I know!

I know. I can't stand how fake she is.

I left school from the soccer field.

I like it.

I like your sweater.

I literally cannot conceive of a reason

I looted it.

I love it all.

I love it.

I love you guys.

I love you, Katie.

I love you!

I love you.

I mean, it's probably just a coincidence

I mean, not as heavy as you, of course.

I mean, not as small as yours, of course.

I might as well accept it...

I miss my family

I need to find myself a ripe fatty

I need to fix the mess I made next door

I object to it deeply and on every level.

I practically invented food shopping in pajamas.

I promise I won't gossip about Anna Kat

I really want to come with you guys.

I retract my cheers. The low road stinks.

I said it in my head.

I said the exact same thing first time I saw them.

I should be allowed to be who I am.

I should have chosen.

I spent half of sixth grade

I steal pretzels.

I suppose it might have been a nice Prosecco

I take from the rich and give to the poor.

I taught a man to fish.

I think back to that pale blue Belgian silk

I think I can do this. Just..

I think I'm sick, Mama.

I think it'll help my application stand out from the crowd.

I think that's a weird thing to say to a child.

I thought it came out in the wash.

I thought maybe I could join your little Second Breakfast Club.

I thought you said the only way you'd wash that car

I told you I'd find out the truth.

I told you that makes me feel self conscious.

I told you to do something good for someone else.

I took our profits and re invested in more shirts.

I totally agree, but the thing is...

I totally get it.

I used to be a big girl.

I used to be you. Yeah.

I used to look like that.

I want my money.

I want to talk to the guy below you who's about to get your job.

I was all confused.

I was being selfish, and whatever Mom said

I was either wearing it backwards when I ate the pizza,

I was getting my lashes put on, and Alan bursts in the room

I was going to throw it away

I was in the charge of the Trail of Tears diorama,

I was really looking forward to this.

I was talking

I will not have my daughter become one of them...

I will not have my teenage daughter

I will not have that in this house.

I will not have you be one of these

I wish I could go up with you guys tonight,

I wish I could say the same

I worked hard to save that money.

I would be honored to be your friend.

I would like for you to meet Angela, my wife and lover.

I'd be happy to.

I'll be back in two to pick up Anna Kat.

I'll find out by myself.

I'll make it easy for you.

I'll meet you there.

I'll miss you, Luz

I'll take the fish over to Viv's immediately.

I'll tell you everything if you promise

I'll tell you everything.

I'll tell you one thing...

I'm across the street with our kids

I'm also gonna miss that

I'm asking you an actual question,

I'm aware the stakes are high.

I'm being completely honest!

I'm bringing my axe.

I'm done living here.

I'm eating this.

I'm finished. Can I go play?

I'm getting great at peeing outside.

I'm getting great at peeing outside.

I'm going to be Vice Fattest.

I'm gonna buy you a Fitbit.

I'm gonna let him cool down

I'm gonna put it back now.

I'm just not interested in camping.

I'm kind of wanting one again.

I'm live on Facebook, and I need to wrap up.

I'm never stealing again.

I'm not a happy camper.

I'm not big into social media,

I'm not giving up like Fat Pam, so watch out, skinnies.

I'm not going anywhere

I'm not going on some stupid diet.

I'm not gonna do that.

I'm not gonna let this town change me or my kid.

I'm not gonna lie to you...

I'm not really interested

I'm not risking her social life by having a dusty whip.

I'm not thrilled about it, but I'm owning it.

I'm officially

I'm on it. How deep?

I'm out of secrets.

I'm providing a service.

I'm really sorry.

I'm saving up to go home.

I'm so glad you and Penny

I'm so sorry. I have to take this.

I'm sorry. There's like zero privacy in this house.

I'm Stalin.

I'm starting a fire utilizing nothing but steel wool,

I'm stocked.

I'm straight up mentally healthy in the germ department.

I'm stuck here, and Greg is forcing me

I'm supposed to be at a spa with my friends,

I'm teaching the kids how to make lanterns out of water jugs.

I'm telling a story here.

I'm telling a story here.

I'm the one whose genitals took one for the team... twice.

I've been waiting for the perfect opportunity

I've had enough of you today

I've heard so much about you.

If Chloe Brown Mueller finds out Anna Kat's a thief,

If I don't make you wear the sleeping mask.

If I had just shown a glimmer of interest

If I had just shown an interest in those stupid trains...

If I thought I might be a girl on the inside,

If I'm dead tomorrow, Greg did it.

If I'm going to raise them in this town.

If I'm involved in his life or not.

If it was O.J.,

If it's open season on free cans of creamed corn.

If Mom's so interested, how come she's hiding out

If she can't sell her house, she can't move, right?

If we tell the truth, I'm never getting in.

If you find a gray hair down there,

If you have to ask, How deep? you haven't gone deep enough.

If you stick to it, the low road works. Just does.

If you want to continue to live under this roof

If you'll keep those lies to yourself.

Important family announcement.

In a town full of gossips, she's the worst.

In any of those things,

In flawless shape, wishing I was back there

In giving him any added incentives.

In order to stay warm and well fed?

In that crappy house,

In the school food drive on principle

Instead of trying to scare away all the buyers,

Interested piqued. Proceed.

Is giving up and moving to Vermont.

Is if you drove us all into a lake.

Is it so hard for you to join in

Is it too late for tampon wind chimes?

Is keep Taylor in bulky sweaters for a few years

Is obviously an Ocean's Eleven style con.

Is really freaking me out.

Is something wrong?

Is that a Fitbit?

Is that a reference thing? Is that Jay Z?

Is that champagne?

Is that champagne?

Is that one of those green healthy drinks?

Is this made of puppy?

Is to shut up, get in, get out.

Is your house a castle?

Is your top on backwards?

Isn't that the exact definition of knockoff?

It all started a few months ago when you bought me

It bought me six years.

It had very red lips.

It happened to this ****stani girl I used to know

It is communism, and I'm...

It is?

It just got real.

It really was.

It snowed all night, and I checked online,

It sure does.

It was a pleasure.

It was back when I was still heavy.

It was pretty awesome. I was a real trailblazer.

It was right in front of me the whole time

It was so calm and icy.

It was supposed to be a dusting.

It was supposed to be a dusting.

It was the pie that put me over the top.

It was your fault. You cheated multiple times.

It went awesome.

It worked, and no one got hurt.

It would have meant the world to him

It would have murdered me in front of my own dog.

It'll be fun, Dad.

It'll just be like when you broke gender barriers

It's a little thing called capitalism.

It's a little thing called charity, Oliver.

It's a picture.

It's all coming together.

It's all those damn fools do.

It's an homage to Westport's past

It's any of it... the Yankees or going clamming.

It's awfully embarrassing.

It's completely absurd

It's eight guys talking about preserving dirt roads.

It's from her playdate.

It's just like Ed's cabin, but instead of having

It's mine.

It's more of a Robin Hood thing.

It's my business to know things.

It's my Spanx.

It's my Spanx.

It's never enjoyable.

It's no use.

It's not too late to follow in the Otto family tradition.

It's really not my fault

It's the kind of town

It's the one year anniversary of her breakup with Celeste.

It's the right thing to do.

It's the worst thing for him.

It's time for you playdate.

It's Wanda Wiggly.

Just like a colonial onion pie.

Just remember to always wash your hands.

Just so I could feel better

Just think it'd be nice to get the kids together.

Just to keep from becoming

Katie, what brings you here?

Katie, you always plan these Ocean's Eleven style cons,

Katie: [Sighs] Kill me

Katie: I'm just going to smile and nod

Katie: We've got three feet of snow.

Katie.

Katie. Chloe Brown Mueller.

Keep thinking, Viv.

Lasered. I'm like a seal down there.

Lemon squeezie.

Let's focus on that.

Let's get you guys on the road.

Let's go out tonight for dinner and drinks.

Let's go wash that hand.

Let's just agree that it's sampling and call it a day.

Let's know it's there.

Let's make a deal.

Let's see what she looks like after three kids.

Let's start making a shelter out of available materials.

Life is an adventure.

Like a couple of ripe cantaloupes in your pants.

Like a, uh...

Like I told you, I re invested our profits.