Chappelle's Show - Season 1 Edit

A beautiful Timeco gold wristwatch.

A black white supremacist?

A bunch of the girls from the "Big Pimpin'" video

A conversation, but what happens on these shows is all the guests

A distorted mind but in a way fortified

A few days later, Mr. Wilkes returned,

A film comes along that changes the way

A ga ga ga ga ga, hooray for me!

A ga ga ga ga ga, in your face!

A handicapped man with a heart of gold.

A Harlem resident named simply... Tron.

A hotchy cotchy hotchy cotchy.

A large fry...

A lot of basketball on the playground, growing up.

A lot of fun out here.

A lot of people said I was insensitive, so...

A lot of you might, uh, have questions

A man named Clayton Bigsby has been the leading voice

A manicured hand out like "pay me, ****a...

A multl ethnic, multl cultural patchwork.

A new set of titties and a boyfriend,

A personal crusade against the canine star.

A piece of ass.

A resident called 9 1 1 immediately.

A secret 1986 document from a major tobacco company

A security guard in Montgomery, Alabama.

A simple statement of protest from an angry young geek.

A smooth, pimped out player from the streets

A tandem that had racked up 14 cock blocks just a year earlier.

A total lack of fear.

A trillion dollars to African Americans

A Trojan, a slave that run deep, yo.

A truly wild day that none of us will ever forget,

A violent war has been waged between two bitter enemies,

A'ight, here I go.

A'ight?

A'ight?

A'ight?

Aaahh. Oh oh.

Aah!

Aah!

Aah!

Aah! Ah...

Aah...!

About anything, can't he?

About how much funnier you are than us.

About your drug use.

Absconding with it to their hideout.

Actually, I'd feel more comfortable if I just

Actually, I'm answering your ad in the paper.

Address the allegations that this is somehow

Affectionately known throughout the league as "Smashly" Evans,

Affirmative action forces somebody...

After "Mr. Charlie",

After a night he chalked up to bad calls,

After a night of bad calls,

After a rival member of the 19th Street Gangsters,

After merging with Kentucky Fried Chicken.

After the game, Macculloch said that he was hurt

After the news that two million

Again, I'm hating all them Koreans.

Against iconic animals, breaking decades of silence.

Agh!

Agh!

Ah, aah!

Ah, for you, I give it to you for 100.

Ah, here it is.

Ah, what's up, y'all?

Ah, yes, the ca me ra. The ca me ra.

Ah!

Ahh, get your damned hands off of me!

Ahh!

Ahh!

Ahh!

Ahh!

Ahh!

Ahh! Ahh!

Ahh! Hey, ahh, get away!

Ahh...

Ahh... ow, Little help!

AIDS was too.

Ain't dying for no damn WB.

Ain't no hesitation involved. A nation dissolved

Ain't sympathetic to the cause and wants to shoot you.

Ain't that the way it goes?

All Chinese people look alikThe Wrap It Up Boxe.

All live all day listen when the song say...

All of our trusted consultants are here to meet your needs.

All of them great men, all of them pioneers.

All right

All right, all right go ahead, dog.

All right, all right, let's take another look,

All right, baby.

All right, before you even say anything,

All right, come on, let's play.

All right, cool, man.

All right, dude, what's up, man?

All right, enjoy. Thanks a lot.

All right, everybody, get on the fucking floor!

All right, everybody, we'll take a quick commercial break

All right, everybody.

All right, fine, you little bitch.

All right, gang, we're gonna take a quick commercial break.

All right, guys, be good.

All right, here we go...

All right, I would like to know

All right, I'm hearing an accent.

All right, I'm player one, you're player two.

All right, I'ma tell you right now, I ain't crazy,

All right, Jasper, time to show these people

All right, let's get it goin'.

All right, little fella,

All right, look, we're gonna take a quick commercial break,

All right, make that beat drop.

All right, man, good to see ya.

All right, now, look, a lot of people

All right, okay, fine, fine.

All right, take care.

All right, thanks for coming, see you next week.

All right, we're gonna take a quick commercial break,

All right, we're gonna take a quick commercial break.

All right, we're gonna take a quick commercial break.

All right, y'all, look,

All right, y'all, we'll be right back,

All right, you too, man, take care.

All right!

All right! Hmm.

All right?

All right? Yeah.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All the reefer, none of the guilt.

All the white folks drive down 95

All these opportunities just open up.

All these years,

All y'all right here, I got something for ya.

All you need is some cocaine

All you, always, all you black guy, why?

Alone and by himself.

Also, I have a show on Comedy Central,

Although Len is the love of my life,

Although the penis through the hole thing

Am I freaking out?

Amazing news there

America, I'd like you to meet my good friend Paula.

America, this is Bibble.

America's at war with Al Qaeda,

Amongst the diverse array of people in America,

Amongst the diversity of Americans,

An asteroid was speeding towards Earth,

An epic motion picture was unleashed on America,

An intervention counselor. Oh!

And "Ask a Gay Dude."

And a banana cognac, biatch!

And a big bag of treats for these club rats.

And a big bag of treats for these club rats...

And a canine dental expert compared

And a cherry pie!

And a milkshake!

And ain't got nothin' like me, you know what I'm sayin'?

And all 'bout Bibble.

And all kinds of different chinks stink,

And all my favorite cartoon heroes came to my room

And all that silly "ching chang chong" talk.

And all the time, he kept it real.

And all your little kids is doin' is gettin' bigger.

And allowed him to have sex with Janet Jackson,

And any real fan of R. Kelly

And anytime you force somebody,

And as for you, Boss Hogg,

And as for you, my dear...

And as I sip my soda

And at the end of the week,

And ate cookies with me and sang songs for 16 hours.

And beat whoever made that suit to death.

And before I sentence you,

And Bill Gates has been overtaken.

And call it "Manifest Destiny".

And can have a calming effect on nerves."

And Clayton Bigsby, black white supremacist,

And come lay down with me.

And come up with a plan for the money.

And coming from Stephen King, that was very strange.

And consider treating a customer with respect,

And corn and chicken bones and shit in here.

And Danny Corey had never had sex.

And Dave Chappelle, the host, you see, yo.

And devised a way that I can compliment women

And do black people wanna get buried by black...

And don't ask me about drugs,

And dug up General Cornrow Wallace's body,

And earlier today, I caught up with the former Jedi knight

And eat all the cookies!

And every time I would do something sweet or cool,

And every track I give 'em, I'm just supporting factivism.

And filled with Cornrow's signature bird call.

And for the first time in my life...

And found footage from early in this century,

And foundeth her... her birthday present early.

And gave me a wine cooler.

And gave people the opportunity

And get all that shit, you got celery and lima beans

And get to the game.

And go back to Africa?

And go straight into the Holland Tunnel.

And Halle Berry.

And handle the change and stay sane and maintain...

And havin' their motherfuckin' lives taped...

And he goes by the name, Dave Chappelle!

And he had to figure out a way

And he had to figure out a way

And he hurt himself, okay?

And he is solely responsible for the wave of technology

And he never questioned it?

And hear disturbing audio from the hit TV show

And here's Paula again.

And here's Paula one more time.

And hold rank over friends who ain't got leadership skills.

And I actually happen to have a pretty white girl here.

And I am missing some of my draw's

And I could never figure out

And I don't know him, you might could help me out with that.

And I don't know what I did!

And I don't know what they're going to do.

And I don't think I'm gonna make the bank.

And I got an advanced copy on it,

And I got comedian Paul Mooney...

And I got none other than Mario Cantone,

And I gotta tell you, you guys are one

And I hate them!

And I heard you have a 16 inch penis.

And I know a lot of you white people at home

And I learned a lot from little T Mart.

And I mean bad like Catholic priest, R. Kelly bad.

And I need you to take care of it for me.

And I promise we'll be right back

And I said, "if I was dying of cancer, ******,

And I salute all who have had a Great Moment

And I saw that mad dash.

And I see a lot of things in the media

And I see it in you, Billy, you're gonna make it.

And I shalt smoketh it.

And I showed it to a black friend of mine.

And I think I tasted egg and cinnamon.

And I think they should also honor regular people

And I think this next piece might be the one to do it

And I thought we was just gonna be talking,

And I used to smoke grass with all the n**** jazz musicians.

And I was out at a club, I don't know if y'all knew this,

And I was too ashamed to go home.

And I will be back after these messages.

And I won't forget the...

And I would like a man.

And I would like to share it with you right now.

And I'd like to thank you at home for watching the show.

And I'd like to thank you at home for watching.

And I'd like to thank you at home for watching.

And I'll show you how.

And I'll tell you something else

And I'm back on my feet, baby.

And I'm black.

And I'm bringing those three cloned white women with me.

And I'm supposed to talk to the TV audience.

And I've had an opportunity to meet

And if a supervisor happens to ask you where you were,

And if I find out you been going through my shit,

And if it fell into the wrong hands

And if so, who are the culprits?

And if they got both, then tell them we use Linux.

And if they got that, tell them the computers are down.

And if you ever tell anybody I've been in here,

And if you haven't heard that joint, "Turn My Headphones Up",

And if you need money, sell rocks,

And if you think that I'm talking about you

And if you're watching this video,

And in the end,

And it hit me.

And it never gets harder than telling you guys

And it's like a game,

And it's realer than them songs that you dated K Slay.

And it's so simple to make!

And it's them mix tapes, too,

And Joey Newsom,

And just pay attention to the theoretical motherfuckers

And keep the island close to me

And ladies, excuse me.

And look at the penis on him! It's bigger than mine!

And Macaulay Culkin is trickin' these bad guys,

And made a lot of friends and had a really good time!

And make my face look na tur al.

And make some kind of mixture

And make them feel unwanted.

And make you my Nelly.

And Martin Johnson had it in spades.

And masturbate on the internet like I planned to.

And me and my friends would laugh and giggle

And me so little.

And meet a Latin American fellow named Martinez...

And Mickey Mouse was doing the bass line like this,

And my crew ain't scared to let them things go.

And my sorority sisters were, like, cheering me on.

And my straightened out types who be waitin' to hear

And needless to say... I get horny out there.

And nobody else but you.

And not to be stopwatched.

And now it's time to collect ad revenue

And now she wanna see the resident provokin' me

And now you want me to leave?!

And now, folks, it is time for a segment that I like

And now, for those on the go, the Travel Stenographer.

And of course, Bibble, who's been so kind

And of course, the so called "beautiful".

And on that note, we're gonna take a quick commercial break.

And one little titty,

And one of the things it's given me an opportunity to do

And other gangstas then decided

And poured morton salt all over 'em.

And put some water in Buc Nasty's mama's dish

And put them together in a group?

And quite frankly, I'll miss them both very much.

And rallied the troops with a most impassioned speech.

And reach into his pants to...

And right guard, Denisha "Bear" Bryant,

And Roc A Fella's about to get all up in that ass...

And selling it on what little space they still controlled.

And sent to members of the 19th Street Gangsters.

And shit and start bein' real.

And should you ever doubt yourself

And skip scap skanks and scallywags..

And smack the broom out your hand?

And smoke marijuana after school.

And some baking soda...

And some say one of the best comedians working today.

And some weed, too.

And somebody's gonna adopt you, right like this!

And something cold to drink?

And sometimes they can go overboard and it's real sad

And spend this money before y'all honkeys

And still get to the club before last call

And swing it and swing it upon thee!

And take $5, $10, maybe $20 out her purse,

And tell 'em when you see 'em,

And that DVD he had and his album,

And that shit get so emotional,

And that the Jedi Council knew about it all along,

And that wasn't me, Rhonda!

And that, ******, that's how you make a hit, bitch!

And that's an order, soldier.

And that's frank, the human resources man at my office.

And the 19th Street Crew rage to this day.

And the Black Star embassy B to the K.

And the enzymes and shit collaborate together,

And the reason I'm talking about them

And the shot clock is running out.

And the word on the street is late night,

And then a dude will see one of y'all walking by,

And then expect him to live a normal life.

And then I stayed home the other day,

And then I was watching the History Channel

And then I'm on my way to recovery, Rhonda.

And then there was that one night in my room.

And then there was the incident with the powder.

And then they divorced...

And then we'll be back with more Chappelle's Show.

And then we'll watch Martin Lawrence.

And then with iTunes,

And then, he basically told them

And then, I did a show after that

And then, suddenly the negotiations fell apart

And there you have it.

And there's bad sex.

And there's juice in the kitchen.

And these are parsnips.

And these little ones are 10 and 11 years old.

And they call that bitch "biggie smalls"!

And they fall in love?

And they have something they'd like to say to you.

And they just came with it, man.

And they objectify women, and I don't appreciate that.

And they seem a little fake, don't they?

And they stink!

And they'll say the same things over and over again.

And they're hurting me.

And this is Joe Rogan from NBC's Fear Factor.

And this is Mos Def, Pretty Flaco,

And this is where it happens,

And though people say I'm insane,

And three days ago,

And to you and yours, a Merry Christmas.

And to you and yours, a Merry Christmas.

And tonight, we have a tape of just such an event.

And Tron got me in a, uh... a sleeper hold.

And turn them loose on the streets.

And walk it off.

And we can meet, talk about white brotherhood.

And we have nobody to thank,

And we know that Martinez' stuff is the bomb!

And we want to say something to you,

And we, including myself...

And we'll be right back

And we'll be right back with more Chappelle's Show.

And we'll be right back with more Chappelle's Show.

And we'll be right back with more Chappelle's Show.

And we're gonna start shootin' this puppy.

And we've come to take over your show.

And what we uncovered... may shock you.

And when I'm letting off a round don't get in the cross.

And when you rock it's just impersonations of me.

And whupped your monkey ass in some street hoops.

And winning her over with one of his hysterical

And with this last switch,

And you brought your camera, that's perfect!

And you can see the last person they had sex with.

And you don't have insurance, do you?

And you don't have to take shit from anyone.

And you don't need these big Brooklyn feet in your ass.

And you guessed it,

And you had sex with Katie.

And you here in the studio

And you know, when you at home,

And you'll get to see what we can see...

And you're all gonna die.

And your mind on your task.

And, certain moments, you can't suspend your disbelief.

And, I mean, I'm serious.

And, in many ways, to the white power movement.

And, in short, all hell has broken loose.

And, of course, I'd like to thank you at home

And, some would say,

And, uh, I don't know who's gonna win,

And, uh, well, here's one of their stories.

And, um, I worked my way through it.

And, you know, they're not bad after unprotected sex

Angel?

Ann, I have loved you from the moment that I met you.

Any black dude in New York would have been like,

Anybody try and touch your mother,

Anyhow, here with the weather is our old pal,

Anyone have sex with my sister, it's gonna be me!"

Anyone who grew up around Reagan had drug awareness week, right?

Anyway...

Appalled even the hardest thugs.

Appalling Yoda's behavior was.

Appreciate your bodies for what they are

Are alive to offer a rebuttal.

Are all their dicks really big?

Are either dead or in jail.

Are making out with their reparations checks.

Are we talking "C" cups?

Are y'all ready to ride?

Are you listening?

Are you serious?

Are you sick of your friends and family

Are you sighing, or are you just... breathing normally?

Are your cameras still on?

Are your eardrums open for Christening?

Armadale, for shizzle.

Armadale!

Arsenio Hall teeth!

As a matter of fact, I'll show you a little bleeper... blooper.

As dope as that was,

As early as 1930, some stuff from the '50s,

As much as I just don't like the way

As much as it is what's gotten out of you.

As one of the bad boys of the league

As proof positive that it happened before hip hop.

As reparations for slavery.

As soon as a black network...

As the pass went up, Johnson sprung into action.

As we arrived at Mr. Bigsby's book signing.

As well intentioned as it may be...

As well,

As you all know, there's an asteroid the size of Maine

As you can imagine, here on the market.

As you can see, though, from the tape,

Ashley Evans,

Ask Whitney and Bobby, don't ask me that question.

At "Popular Copy".

At Comedy Central, but don't go anywhere,

At home in the wide shot,

At Newscenter 3 hours ago.

At Newscenter 3 to see how those black folks

At that moment, Johnson heard the eminent whistle

At the battle of the Kool Moe Dee concert,

At the dubba WB.

At the perfect time...

At Wu Tang Financial, we'll work with you

Attention, everybody,

Available at all Walbogs.

Available in stores, now.

Aw, girl... (cell phone ringing)

Aw, that kid is fine, come on, he was acting.

Aw, that was just nasty!

Aw, you lost me.

Aw!

Awesome!

Ay, dog, ay.

Ay!

Aye, aye.

Ba ba ba boo, ba ba ba boo

Baby, will you marry me?

Back to you in the studio now.

Back to you.

Back to you.

Backpack sold separately.

Bam!

Bam!

Bang it, bang it boom bang, diggy boom.

Bang it, bang it, boom bang diggy boom boom.

Bang it, bang it, boom bang, diggy boom boom.

Based on stereotypes.

Bashing these brothers,

Basically, Tyrone,

Bathroom upkeep is important to us here at "Popcopy".

Batter had him on the hawk since Atlanta extravaganza.

Battled in the wilderness of North America

Battlin' middle passages I can't go back again.

Battlin' years of denied history,

Be careful if you get a sleeper hold

Be good to each other.

Be on the lookout for any envelopes marked

Be prepared to get zapped

Be right back.

Be sure to spray chocolate sauce on the wall near the toilet

Beat it, you sorry ******!

Beautiful on the weekends does stunts

Because a brother can't get enough of that ass.

Because at the end of the day,

Because for the first time on our show,

Because I was unprepared.

Because if you was paying attention to his music

Because if you're cocky and you think you got hold of this,

Because it's a violation of my parole to be around children.

Because that's how I got this...

Because the next day your anus will really hurt.

Because the world's going to end any day now.

Because we've got Mos Def when we come back, man.

Because you helped make a great set of New York boobs.

Because, I, for myself, have put my mind to it,

Beef ain't the Summer jam for Hot 97.

Beef don't come with a radio edit.

Beef is high blood pressure and bad credit.

Beef is Iraq, the West Bank and Gaza Strip.

Beef is not what Ja said to 50.

Beef is not what these famous ****as do on the mic.

Beef is oil prices and geopolitics.

Beef is real life, happenin' every day

Beef is the cocaine and AIDS epidemic.

Beef is tryin' to figure out what to tell his son.

Beef is Walt and Irv not bein' here with me.

Beef is what George Bush would do in a fight.

Beef is when a gangsta ain't doin' it right

Beef is when a gold digger got your seed in her,

Beef is when the crack kids can't find moms

Beef is when the judge is calling you defendant.

Beef is when workin' ****as can't find jobs.

Beef is when your girl come through for a visit

Beef, it come with a long jail sentence

Before I cut some bacon off your back.

Before I put your ass outside, mm.

Before they find out the town law is strictly enforced.

Before you pack them away for the winter.

Before you start I'm gonna fart,

Before you wished them sweet tits away.

Bein' put in a motherfuckin' house...

Being sexually abused by Jedis like Obi Wan Kenobi.

Believe me, I should know, I've had it since 1979.

Believe me.

Besides, Sheila, even girls love girls with huge tats,

Bet I blew your mind right there, didn't I?

Better get rid of it, before one of our customers

Better not bring your kids

Better not bring your kids!

Better not bring your kids.

Better, better... how the fuck do I know?

Between the two groups.

Bibble is a space creature that lives very far away

Bibble, come on up.

Bids on it!

Billy is getting his ass whupped on street hoops,

Billy, don't you die on me, don't you die on me!

Billy, I'm sorry, man, I'm sorry, dude.

Billy, look at my game, it must hurt.

Billy?

Billy?

Billy?

Billy?

Bip i dee bop... Bip i dee bop...

Bitch, I'll never forgive you for this.

Bitch, I'm tellin' ya!

Bitch. Mommy?

Black Dante, The Boogieman.

Black people are always worried about, like in Barbershop.

Black people got their reparations checks today,

Black people just like to party.

Black people walk like that 'cause we have style,

Black people wanna go to black dentists,

Black Star, Mos Def and Talib Kweli.

Blah, blah...

Bobby Hutchinson had spent the night

Bobby Hutchinson, yet another great player responsible

Bobby struck quickly, approaching the coveted Morris

Bobby went into his hurry up offense.

Boo ya!

Boo yah!

Boob capital of North America,

Booty fuck Kenny, man

Both prior attempts by Bobby were stuffed

Boy, she had some sweet New York boobs.

Boy, so much to talk about tonight.

Boy, that R. Kelly can make a love song

Boys, get her away from me!

Br br br bromsky.

Brian: "I am afraid, I just feel like someday

Bridgett Wexler is the home's headmistress.

Brilliant... just brilliant!

Bringeth!

Brother got a nice car...

Brothers are packing, they seem to be packing.

Buc Nasty is nominated for...

Buc Nasty, what can i say about that suit

Bunch of bitches.

But all his rookie inexperience gave him one clear advantage:

But all these black people,

But anyone in the know

But before we go I just want to say,

But check mine out.

But come on in!

But don't despair,

But don't go anywhere 'cause we're coming right back

But don't go nowhere,

But don't go nowhere,

But don't worry,

But enough about that.

But first step is first, I need to go to the bathroom,

But he sends his regards: Doo da doo da doo da

But he's also a fantastic comedian

But his daddy shouldn't have looked at her like that,

But Hutchinson recovered the block and exploited

But I caught him like he was doing a thing, he was like...

But I collect DVDs.

But I didn't know how.

But I digress from my point...

But I don't like to be forced.

But I feel like drugs is hurting you

But I felt like I really just needed to find myself.

But I felt like it was just too much clickity clack,

But I gotta tell you,

But I love video games, anytime, all the time.

But I think that's about to change.

But I'm gonna do mine real.

But I'm gonna tell you something.

But I'm working on it.

But I'ma hit y'all off with a little taste of the remix.

But I've been having fun since the show came out, man.

But I've just handed in my resignation here

But if we do, we black people have got to get together,

But if you think that my show is immature,

But in an effort to bring his message to a wider audience,

But irreparable damage has been done to his reputation

But is it racist?

But it wasn't her scarf.

But it wouldn't be the last.

But it's "O'Dweeds", man.

But it's all right, gentlemen,

But my black ass got 20/20 vision.

But nobody wanna be a ******, how about that question?

But not just any basketball shoes.

But nothing!

But now, we turn your attention to a classic war

But please, don't go anywhere

But since none of the black players showed up,

But that show moves me!

But the fate of the world...

But the music is scandal proof, you know what I'm saying?

But the ****a looks shiny to me.

But the thing that makes me, like, mad about...

But then, you know, I was like, you know what?

But they did, they did come up with enough money

But they say perseverance is the hallmark of a champion,

But this bugged me out

But this is a big place, how can...

But upbeat because he,

But was too drunk to realize it.

But we did speak to one member, Earl "The Snake" White.

But we'll be right back with more Chappelle's Show.

But we're still losing the war against Al Sharpton!

But what the crew did next

But what y'all call beef is no beef at all.

But what you said about those titties is.

But where would I find a titty from?

But worse come to worse,

But worse than Mr. Ed, worse even than Rin Tin Tin,

But you done scorched the earth.

But you know what it is?

But you must do exactly as I say.

But you still said, not five minutes ago, that

But you're afraid, again, 'cause you're afraid to ask.

But, but more noteworthy than that is

But, getting to Mr. Bigsby was an odyssey in itself,

But, I get the feeling that Katie, you know,

But, I, for one, I'm gonna say it publicly,

But, sir, the wet floor...

But, unfortunately, you and I have run out of time.

But, whatever it is, it's non stick.

But, you know, girls get mad at these kinds of things,

But, you know, we tryin' to be, you know, comvenial about this.

But... but, Leonard, it's okay, I'm waxed.

Buying paint to put your face on the wall.

By a German Shepherd from Dusseldorf, Germany."

By just telling him and all the other blind kids

By me having a white friend, like, "how incredible,

By one of these customer people.

By that, of course, I mean your massive milk bladders.

By the size of her boobies, now would they?

By the tough defensive line that Morris traveled with,

Bye bye

Bye, baby, I'll see you later.

Bye, ******s, bye bye!

Bye.

C'mon, a clickety clack, a clickety clack.

C'mon, Katie, let's go.

Cadillac announced that they sold three million

Call me later, man.

Call me on my cell, 917...

Call now

Call this number now, and let Dave

Came forward with similar accusations

Camera works, $100.

Can anybody take this drunk, horny, crazy woman home?

Can black guys jump high?

Can I call you daddy?

Can I get a receipt?

Can I help you?

Can I help you?

Can I help you?

Can I hit that?

Can I say "pee on people"

Can I tell you something?

Can I tell you something? Yes.

Can we cut tape?

Can we roll the footage of that tape in question?

Can we stop the tape?

Can you come have dinner with us, Dave?

Can you repeat the question?

Can you say marijuana?

Can you tell me why?

Can't separate you from true love.

Can't you be quiet for one night?!

Careful what you wish for.

Carol Channing just admitted she was a ******,

Catch all the gags, spills, and hilarious practical jokes.

Cell phones, pagers, Playstation 1 and 2.

Chad, it's your moms.

Change your minds.

Chappelle's Show

Chappelle's Show

Chappelle's Show, ow.

Chappelle's Show, ow.

Chappelle's Show.

Chappelle's Show.

Chappelle's Show.

Chappelle's Show.

Chappelle's Show.

Chappelle's Show.

Chappelle's Show.

Chappelle's Show.

Chappelle's Show.

Chappelle's Show.

Chappelle's Show.

Chappelle's Show.

Chappelle's Show.

Chappelle's Show.

Chappelle's Show.

Chappelle's Show.

Chappelle's Show.

Chappelle's Show.

Chappelle's Show.

Chappelle's Show.

Chappelle's Show.

Chappelle's Show.

Chappelle's Show.

Chappelle's Show.

Chappelle's Show.

Chappelle's Show.

Chappelle's Show.

Chappelle's Show.

Chappelle's Show.

Chappelle's Show.

Chappelle's Show.

Chappelle's Show.

Chappelle's Show.

Chappelle's Show.

Chappelle's Show. Chappelle's Show

Chappelle's Show. Chappelle's Show

Chappelle's Show. Chappelle's Show.

Chappelle's Show. Chappelle's Show.

Chappelle's Show. Chappelle's Show.

Chappelle's Show. Chappelle's Show.

Chappelle's Show. Chappelle's Show.

Chappelle's Show. Chappelle's Show.

Chappelle's Show. Chappelle's Show.

Chappelle's Show. Chappelle's Show.

Chappelle's Show. Chappelle's Show.

Chappelle's Show. Chappelle's Show.

Chappelle's Show. Ow.

Chappelle's Show. Ow.

Chappelle's Show. Ow.

Chappelle's Show. Oww.

Chased by predators, terrorists with etiquette

Chased by predators, terrorists with etiquette

Check it out, I'm serious.

Check it out.

Check it out.

Check this one out.

Children is our future, my ass!

Chuck, a lot of activity,

Chuck, back to you in the studio.

Chuck, get this, 8,000 record labels

Chuck, I don't know if you know this,

Chuck! In other news...

City tryin' to find ****as to rob.

Civil rights footage.

Clackity, clackity, clackity clack!

Clap clap clap clap clap.

Clap for me, bitch!

Clayton, go on, brother.

Clear!

Clickity clack...

Clippity clappity, clappity clap!

Close your eyes, show me your face.

Colin Powell...

Come back next year when I puts a little eggnog in your face.

Come back, don't go anywhere.

Come on be my baby tonight

Come on be my baby tonight.

Come on be my baby tonight.

Come on be my baby tonight.

Come on be my baby tonight.

Come on be my baby tonight.

Come on fall back

Come on in, Dave.

Come on out.

Come on up here, Paula.

Come on, ball up.

Come on, Benedict Arnolds!

Come on, Bibble, let's get out of here.

Come on, Billy.

Come on, Clayton, we gotta go.

Come on, come on...

Come on, dog, look how cool I look.

Come on, get in the car.

Come on, it's just a game.

Come on, Martha, now, puff, puff, give.

Come on, what did I say?

Come on, you old bitch.

Come on, you rotten bitch, be my baby!

Come over here so I can stick my chocolate

Come step to the "Wu", Wu Tang Financial

Come talk to the kids.

Comedian, actor, artist, magician,

Coming fore to carry me home.

Coming to a drug awareness week at a school.

Commemorative edition

Complained of receiving open mail?

Congratulations, uh... Charlie's girlfriend.

Congress recently approved paying over

Considered one of the most important films in history.

Contains the following passage:

Coolin' in my Escalade.

Cop the album that you need, "Turn My Headphones Up,"

Corey had a brilliant idea

Cornrow immediately alerted his friends on the outside

Cornrow was sentenced to seven years in prison.

Correction, I had sex with Katie.

Could throw combinations, I'm from the streets.

Could you call the nurse for me?

Could you people stack the chairs

Could you show me on the doll where he touched you?

Could you, could you have some dinner?

Countin' the hours high on shrubs.

Countless Americans for his TV exploits.

Crack it is!

Crack smoking swindlers, big butt havin',

Crack was invented and distributed

Crack!

Crack.

Craziest thing I ever did sexually?

Cream, get the money, dollar dollar bill, y'all.

Critics, complainers, disgruntled rappers,

Crocodile Dundee, for example.

Cut the goddamn tape! Just cut it!

Damn it, how could you do this to me?

Damn it!

Damn, bitch, what's this, a light saber or something?

Damn, dog, what took you so long?

Damn, I got hit!

Damn, look at the ass on that one.

Damn, man, Sony ain't playin', let me see that.

Damn, that was nice.

Damn, that's hateful!

Damn!

Damn!

Damn!

Damn!

Damn!

Damn!

Damn!

Damon Stoudamire.

Dave

Dave

Dave Chappelle came and saw you in the hospital

Dave Chappelle is not a psychic.

Dave Chappelle, thank you.

Dave Chappelle, you have ruined my life!

Dave Chappelle!

Dave Chappelle?

Dave Chappelle's a funny guy...

Dave Chappelle's insights will astound you.

Dave, can't you see I'm dying of cancer?

Dave, I don't feel good.

Dave, I want you to meet my co worker, Mike.

Dave? Dave Chappelle.

David Broom from the New Orleans cast.

David, I've spoken to many actors

David, in 1987, you burst onto the scene

Deborah?

Deez nuts!

Defying many analysts out there.

Delegate numero dos, I holler out to Sal and Los

Delicious!

Delinquent phone bills have been paid

Dennis Rodman.

Deserve neither. Fuck a name

Despite his popularity,

Di ar rhe a

Diamonds are at their most expensive level ever.

Diarrhea!

Dictate our futures.

Did anybody see that one, "Pimps Up, Ho's Down"?

Did he just call us "******s"?

Did I mention that before?

Did I mention that before?

Did I miss the 5:00 free crack giveaway?

Did I shock you? Are you crazy yet?

Did I tell y'all to sell drugs, huh?!

Did the Mexicans get money today too?

Did y'all know that Jay Z has a vodka out now?

Did you know that?

Did you know that?

Didn't go quite as well as I thought it would

Dinner tonight sounds great, Richard Pryor

Director commentary, and never before seen outtakes.

Do any of you guys watch those documentaries on HBO?

Do I come to your job

Do I?

Do the hustle.

Do the hustle.

Do the hustle.

Do they got weed in 'em?

Do we get crack at the end?

Do you know how many people on your route

Do you mind if I turn off this R&B music?

Do you plan on quitting your job driving this truck?

Do you think you could help?

Do you wanna have sex with me, Todd?

Do you wanna see my face?

Do you want this?

Do you?

Doing the little mommies winding up their waist for

Domestically disputed and you just might get

Don't ask God... ask Nixon.

Don't be afraid, Jasper.

Don't be afraid, shine your light!

Don't call me a liar.

Don't forget the cheese 'cause they love that

Don't go anywhere.

Don't go nowhere, we'll be right back.

Don't let the liberal media tell you how to think and feel

Don't look at me!

Don't push me 'cause I'm close

Don't push me 'cause I'm close

Don't push me 'cause I'm close

Don't push me 'cause I'm close

Don't you move, baby!

Done and done.

Down to Hotlanta!

Drip, drip, drip, drip...

Drip, drip, drip, pee on you.

Drugs and alcohol have ruined my life!

Drugs and alcohol have ruined my life.

Drugs have ruined my life!

Dude, no matter how drunk I was,

Dude, you totally got me.

During a screening of Rebel Without A Cause,

During sexual encounters.

During the cold November of 1999,

Earl "The Snake" White called out

Eh?

Ehoo!

Enough!

Entitled "What is Beef?"

Escalade trucks this afternoon alone.

Especially at a wedding.

Even young children could afford it... it's so bad.

Ever see that movie with Mel Gibson,

Every pro athlete ever.

Every time I used it, somebody else's pubic hair was in it.

Everybody at home,

Everybody in this room,

Everybody that helped me out this week.

Everybody wanna be a ******,

Everybody, I have a lot of things to discuss,

Everyone except for me.

Everywhere you go!

Excuse me, everybody. Excuse me, everybody.

Excuse me, I'll be right back.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Fabulous.

Fabulous.

Fancy cars, and, of course, gaudy jewelry.

Fantastic.

Fast forward to 2003 ****as beef, the psychology.

Features extras including cast interviews,

Feel better.

Feeling like a big shot

Finally peaking in 1989

Finally, the one and only..

Find out what happens when people stop bein' all polite

Fine, fine, you make your juice, I don't know.

Fine, fine, you make your juice, I don't know.

Fine, I... I guess I'll go.

Fine, you can't come outside 'cause if it don't work,

First of all, never show up on time,

First off, I would like to thank God almighty

First up... Buc Nasty!

Firstly I'd like to say

Fisticuffs!

Flabbergasting,

Flip it one more time,

Flippity flap, flippity float, flippity fleep,

Flood your city with the black ink flow,

Flush the toilet with your pancake ass, bitch!

Folks, I am happy to report that

Folks, I'd like to thank my guest, De La Soul.

Folks, in my ongoing effort to promote dialogue

Folks, this next musical act

Follow me.

For 15 minutes, okay?

For a Great Moment in Hook Up History.

For a video you've seen 58 times in a row?

For a video you've seen 58 times in a row?

For any sexual deviancy regarding our Jedi knights.

For being here with me tonight.

For being here with me tonight.

For calling in a bomb threat to the Special Olympics, man!

For Comedy Central.

For giving everybody so much...

For god's sakes, pick this one up.

For hater of the year.

For instance, gang violence

For instance...

For Little Richard in gay movies.

For me to be here at Pinehurst school,

For me to do a two minute special.

For Paul Mooney's, time for, "Ask A Black Dude".

For Pete's sake, she's got no melons.

For Player Hater of the Year... Ice T.!

For real, I like lesbians.

For real, look!

For real? Not even close?

For reckless and desperate men everywhere.

For Richard Pryor for many years,

For the city...

For the entire period you in my room,

For the History Channel, I'm Jeff Frankel.

For the last 15 years,

For the last 20 years, on Chicago's South side,

For the last three and a half years.

For the rest of our lives.

For the same shit.

For the very first time.

For the world's richest man?

For three decades, he has waged

For you fruity pants out there,

For your information, that's a little white powder.

Forget about your reefer needs, go ahead and try "O'Dweeds".

Fortune magazine released their annual list

Foster care is coming to pick you guys up,

Frank Dobson died last night in his sleep.

Freaked out yet? Have I blown your mind?

Freeze, right there!

Friend gets locked in jail,

From Mos Def Pretty Flaco, Black Dante

From my man, Justin Timberlake.

From the big and the small.

From the big and the small.

From the Black Star embassy in Brooklyn

From the makers of the "Crack Patch".

From the makers of the Home Stenographer comes

From the train of destiny

From the... what happened?

Frontline embarked on a journey to answer these questions

Frontline was sent, anonymously,

Fruity pants!

Fubu is now the world's largest corporation

Fuck that frog.

Fuck the police.

Fuck this camera!

Fuck tradition, religion, we learn Jesus,

Fuck!

Fuck!

Fuckin' pay me!

Fucking with dice.

Funkmaster Flex and be clear, all the big dogs know

G g g g g g... G Unit

G g g g g g... get yo' ass in the car, go on!

G g g g g g... good bye.

Gamma ray rapper make the Hulk snap.

Gay droid marriage, should it be legalized?

Gay sex is gross.

General Cornrow Wallace pulled out a gun...

General Cornrow Wallace,

Generosity and courage have saved America.

Get a picture of me and David before we go.

Get back at me about that!

Get beat the fuck up.

Get his shoes, look at them pretty shoes!

Get it straight or get the fuck up out my face dog.

Get me a Philly blunt, son.

Get my money! Hurry, get my money!

Get off me.

Get out of here, he's too far gone.

Get out the car!

Get out the car!

Get out the way!

Get out!

Get outta my face, ****a!

Get played off by the house orchestra

Get that shit off my sneakers!

Get this, Sprint stock has skyrocketed

Get to be a little fake and phony,

Get to truly know us

Get your ass outta here, now!

Get your inside voice on

Getting everything you say all mixed up?

Getting his best friend's wife pregnant,

Gina, why don't you just come home with me?

Girl, I am high on PCP.

Girl, I got something that'll keep your flow

Give it up right now for Dave Chappelle!

Give me a pocket full of cheese for these club rats

Give me a pocket full of cheese for these club rats

Give me my speaker's fee!

Giving you intelligent shit with a fourth of grime

Go ahead, roll that video.

Go ahead, show 'em some of that And 1.

Go ahead, sir.

Go ahead!

Go on

Go on, do your thing, girl.

Go on, get in the car, warm it up

Go on, go on!

Go on, take it.

Go to the bathroom!

Go, now!

God bless America!

God bless America.

God bless the world 'cause we're in trouble.

God bless y'all, God bless America,

God bless y'all, I'm out.

God bless ya, and I'll see ya next week.

God bless you all, and I'll see you next week.

God bless you all, man.

God damn, Sheila!

God damn, talking about...

God rest his soul, I'm out.

God, get surgery, bitch, you're so ugly.

Going to the Dave Chappelle show.

Gold is way up.

Gonna steal it, comin' down.

Good afternoon, I'm Chuck Taylor.

Good afternoon, welcome to "Popcopy",

Good afternoon, young man, can I help you?

Good bye, America.

Good evening and welcome to inside Chappelle's Show studio.

Good evening, I'm Chuck Taylor.

Good evening, I'm Kent Wallace.

Good evening, pretty white woman.

Good evening, sir.

Good evening.

Good evening.

Good for you, Tyrone.

Good lord, almighty, it's Osama Bin Laden.

Good lord, we're back, welcome to Chappelle's Show,

Good luck?

Good night, Cornrow Wallace.

Good night.

Good night.

Good night.

Good.

Goodbye!

Got a surprise, close your eyes.

Got me in a lot more trouble.

Got that feelin'. Ooohhh.

Got that feelin'. Ooooh.

Gotta do something when you're running from the police.

Gotta do what I gotta do, son.

Grand operate the scandal way, el la shikes.

Great.

Greatest show I've ever seen in my life.

Guess what, ****a?

Guys, I was out last night, had a pretty good time,

H h here we go again, go again, go again...

Ha ha, go ahead!

Ha ha, go ahead!

Ha ha, I'm just playin' with you.

Ha ha! Go ahead

Ha ha! Go ahead!

Ha, and racists especially,

Ha, ha, ha, ha!

Ha, ha, ha!

Ha!

Ha! I said, look...

Half Baked sucked, anyway.

Halle Berry, here I come.

Handed down to you in a few short minutes.

Happy Holidays, you triflin' bitch!

Harold, is Anthrax bad?

Harold, what time did you tell him to be here?

Harold, why don't you go next?

Has anyone seen that? Thank God.

Has been "The Real World".

Has just bitch slapped Vice President Dick Cheney.

Hate, hate, hate, hate, hate,

Hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate

Hate, hate, hate, hate, hate!

Hate, hate, hate, hate, hate!

Hate, hate, hate, hate, hate...

Haters wanna hate, lovers wanna love.

Haters wanna hate, lovers wanna love.

Hating on one another.

Have a good day, miss.

Have a great weekend.

Have a seat, man, let's all relax

Have an agenda, they come in there,

Have been started in the last hour.

Have sold over 600,000 copies combined.

Have you ever felt this in your life?

Have you noticed that?

Have you, Mr. Bigsby?

Have your preacher man talking low getting his cross.

Having a horror man come on and ask a question about a ******.

He agreed to give his first public interview ever...

He almost said, "******," I read between 'em.

He already about to fall...

He always says he doesn't want anyone to see him shine,

He arranges it on his lap, smiles at her,

He bought butter,

He can't see you,

He can't see you.

He didn't know what he was getting himself into, you know?

He don't know how to talk to people.

He filed for divorce from his wife.

He got the streets on fire.

He has accepted the fact that he is a black man.

He heals all white people, the big black runaway.

He is merely a racist, who believes that stereotypes

He jogs at beginner pace while I win the race.

He kicked his habit back in the joint

He kicked his habit back in the joint,

He kicked his habit back in the joint.

He looked at me like I had set black people back

He looks like a broke ass...

He looks like a broke ass...

He looks like a broke ass...

He looks like a broke ass...

He lost his mind and blew up the world!

He only got killed at the end...

He put it down.

He quickly carved a hole in the popcorn tub,

He responded:

He returned to the Crew's clubhouse

He said, "look here, ******, that there's my girl.

He set his sights on comedy, and would not be denied.

He spent it on a party.

He used to live next door to you.

He uses profanity around Jeffrey.

He was a... he was a writer

He was the absolute worst anti drug speaker

He was throughout the whole movie.

He's a homosexual.

He's always been so helpful to me, such a loyal friend.

He's always been so helpful to me, such a loyal friend.

He's always slobbering over me.

He's an unofficial sociologist.

He's been away for a while but he's back around

He's been away for a while but he's back around.

He's been away for while but he's back around.

He's crazy with it, "Turn My Headphones Up."

He's finally home he's Tyrone.

He's finally home, he's Tyrone.

He's finally home, he's Tyrone.

He's finally home, he's Tyrone.

He's got the illest joint out right now.

Heart attack, yeah.

Heh heh heh hey, that's right.

Hell no, ******, you play like a bitch!

Hell no.

Hell no.

Hell, yeah Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yo

Hell, yeah, baby.

Hell, yeah, I suck toes!

Hell, yeah, Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Hell, yeah, Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Hell, yeah, Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yo.

Hell, yeah, Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yo.

Hell, yeah, Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yo.

Hello, America.

Hello, dumb dumb, do you know who this is?

Hello, I'm Ralph Henderson.

Hello, ladies. Hello.

Hello, little boys and little girls.

Hello, Lysol, no problem, Tyree.

Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

Hello... hello?

Help!

Help!

Help!

Here comes a big brown truck.

Here comes some jokes!

Here goes nothin'!

Here it comes.

Here it is, your breathtaking, Oscar nominated performance.

Here, grab your sticks, come on, let's go.

Here, let me get that.

Here, mop top, take my bag up to my room.

Here, show that last Mitsubishi clip real quick.

Here's what's happened because of that thinking...

Hey, big time, what you looking in my face for?

Hey, buddy, I have a painting I need to hang up in my bedroom,

Hey, can you read?

Hey, Chad?

Hey, don't go anywhere, we'll be right back,

Hey, don't go nowhere.

Hey, folks, we're on in 2013. TRL, Carson Daly.

Hey, fool, we got your leader.

Hey, gang, welcome back.

Hey, gang, welcome back.

Hey, gang.

Hey, gang.

Hey, guys, I wanna thank you all for being with me tonight

Hey, guys, we're gonna take a quick commercial break.

Hey, guys, welcome back to Chappelle's Show, man.

Hey, guys.

Hey, guys.

Hey, guys.

Hey, Halle, how you gettin' home?

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

Hey, hey, save your money, dude.

Hey, hey, welcome back!

Hey, hey, welcome back.

Hey, hey, where do you get these stains from

Hey, hey, why don't we break into that lab where I work?

Hey, hey, you forgot your scarf.

Hey, hey!

Hey, hey... hey, man

Hey, look, we're gonna take a quick commercial break,

Hey, man

Hey, man, life's got to go on, right?

Hey, man, we were just talking

Hey, man, we're gonna take a quick commercial break,

Hey, Molly,

Hey, mop top!

Hey, Scooter, you trying to get some of this?

Hey, thank you, brother, thank you.

Hey, uh, Bibble, is the spaceship ready?

Hey, uh, guys, you know, uh...

Hey, wait a minute, wait.

Hey, wait, those are my friends.

Hey, we're gonna pay some bills over here

Hey, we're gonna pay some bills over here

Hey, we're gonna take a quick commercial break,

Hey, welcome back, gang.

Hey, what's goin' on? My name is Chad.

Hey, what's poppin', everybody?

Hey, what's the matter?

Hey, what's up, man?

Hey, when you're done, close the motherfuckin' lid

Hey, where do I know that crazy guy from?

Hey, why don't you jungle bunnies turn that music down?!

Hey, y'all,

Hey, yo, I just got one question

Hey, you know what, y'all?

Hey, your mom told me you were sick,

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey! Dave? What's up,

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey... hey, you sneakin'.

Hi, and welcome to "Trading Spouses",

Hi, can I talk to you for one second?

Hi, everybody, I'm Lyle,

Hi, guys, I'm Lyle, and you have great New York boobs.

Hi, kids!

Hi, my name is Katie.

Hi, thank you

Hi, thank you!

Hi, thank you!

Hi, thank you!

Hi, thank you!

Hi, thank you.

Hi, thank you.

Hi, thank you.

Hi, thank you.

Hi, thank you.

Hi, thank you.

Hi, thank you.

Hi, what's your name?

Hi.

Hide the money, y'all! There's poor people 'round.

High five! High five!

His acts of heroism and undying loyalty

His amazing journey led him straight to the halls of power

His ass will be back april 13th.

His attempt was blocked.

His books "Dump Truck", "****** Stain",

His commitment is that deep.

His lyrics are so tight, they don't even have to rhyme.

His roommate in jail was a man named Tyrone Biggums,

His skills took him to the top,

His time there would be formative, to say the least.

Hit it, girls.

Hit me three times, baby.

Hit me, baby.

Hit the studio and fuckin' manifest the frequency.

Hmm.

Hmm.

Hmm...

Hmm...

Ho!

Ho...!

Ho's, heifers, hee haws and hula hoops.

Hold on one second.

Hold on, let me get up there.

Hold on, let me just think about that for a second, please.

Hold on, let me roll, one more roll, one more roll.

Hold on, now, hang in there with me.

Hold still, I'm gonna get you!

Hold up, Chuck, I got your girl.

Hold up, I'm seeing something...

Hold up, ******, I can't hear out of my left headphone.

Hold up, ******, I need some water.

Hold up.

Hold up...

Hold up... game!

Hold... hold on.

Holla at ya boy!

Holler!

Hollywood has often been accused of racism.

Home Stenographer and Travel Stenographer,

Hook up moments.

Hooray for me, Billy, in your face!

Hooray for me!

Hooray!

Hooray... Hooray for me.

Hopefully, they don't split you up.

Hot damn almighty,

Hot hand in a dice game, baby girl.

Hours?

House rules so house take the bank, watch Dave bank.

How about that?

How about that?

How about this.

How can you sleep if you're high on crack, hmm?

How could she do that?

How could that be?

How did it go?

How else?

How excited can you really be

How excited can you really be

How much did I say it was?

How much time you got, buddy?

How old are you?

How this make you feel?

How will I know when drugs around,

How y'all feelin'?

How ya doin'?

How're you kids doing?

How's the old saying go?

How's this?

How's this? Go!

However, the estate of Mr. Ed did issue this statement:

However, watermelon is surprisingly flat,

Huh, what you mean, what am I talkin' about, girl?

Huh, you okay, you all right?

Hutchinson knew he was home free.

Hutchinson went for the game winning score.

I ain't do that, Rhonda.

I ain't JJ, but it was dyn o mite!

I ain't no angel, I'm a janitor.

I ain't no truck driver, I'm a janitor.

I always thought dentists were dentists.

I always thought I was your personal handyman

I am a huge fan of the hip hop music.

I am being told our napkin ring bonanza is over,

I am crazy, and I'll fuckin' kill ya.

I am in no way, shape, or form

I am the man!

I am the manager."

I am your manager, what's up?

I am your manager, what's up?

I am, Jessica!

I beat everybody I faced, and I'm still here.

I belittle your plan courtesy

I bet you're right, Wendy.

I bet you're right.

I better not catch you standin' up peein'.

I bought in a long time, man.

I brought him back again to the show.

I brought some brownies.

I call "footage of me getting bit on my ass

I call this, "the Tron special."

I can actually listen to some of my favorite music

I can definitely say,

I can describe 'em.

I can guide you out of there,

I can see parts of the vagina that I didn't even know existed.

I can show y'all whatever I want.

I can use karate, use karate.

I can't believe I'm still on the air,

I can't believe this is actually happening.

I can't come back in?

I can't find mine.

I can't say that (bleep).

I can't say that sh... Yo, let me see that...

I can't understand you, go back to your country.

I couldn't pay the rent.

I couldn't prove it.

I did this piece about a, uh... a crack addict

I did two hits of that and Bugs Bunny and Scooby Doo

I didn't even invite her to my wedding.

I didn't have nothing to do with that.

I didn't have sex with Katie.

I didn't know it was an emergency, I'm sorry!

I didn't know you were allowed to write a movie about yourself.

I didn't say that!

I didn't say that! Yes, you did!

I didn't wanna hit 'em soft.

I don't believe he said that!

I don't cut mics, I rough mics up.

I don't do drugs.

I don't even know anymore!

I don't even know who sent it to me, but it was crazy.

I don't even know you, and I hate your guts.

I don't even want none of the above.

I don't even want none of the above.

I don't feel like there's any reciprocity there.

I don't feel safe.

I don't give a fuck,

I don't hang out with many black people.

I don't know about y'all, but I used to play

I don't know about you gentlemen,

I don't know any Tyrone!

I don't know how I'm looking at you.

I don't know if anybody has seen me on Donahue recently.

I don't know if I can take

I don't know if y'all have seen it...

I don't know if you guys are into them a lot,

I don't know if you guys have seen some things

I don't know if you guys watch those old NFL films.

I don't know if you watch it.

I don't know if you're ready to see what I want to show you,

I don't know if you've seen it.

I don't know Tyrone!

I don't know what it is...

I don't know what they make the keys out of,

I don't know where they get them models from.

I don't know why they would say that I'm immature.

I don't know, man, you said it, though.

I don't need no psychiatrist.

I don't need your damn pity.

I don't play games I don't player hate y'all.

I don't remember a whole lot after that.

I don't smell no dinner cooking.

I don't think he meant to hurt me, but, uh...

I don't think it would be so bad if it was just, like,

I don't think so.

I don't think that's a good idea.

I don't wanna play anymore.

I don't wanna see a peep outta you.

I don't want no pizza.

I don't want the world to end

I don't want to upset you.

I don't, I'll be honest,

I don't... well, hey, it's Sheila!

I drooled on myself.

I earned it!

I eat cottage cheese for dinner, all right?

I ever seen in the alley, son!

I feel the same way, but I'd like the land, though

I felt bad for that white boy,

I felt guilty, like I did that with my mind.

I get to talking some mess on your show,

I got 'em, I tape 'em, here goes one right here.

I got a lot of complaints about it.

I got a lot of letters about it.

I got a lot of respect in Japan.

I got a show just like that.

I got a song for you too, bitch.

I got it

I got it, I got it!

I got my eye on you, Al Qaeda.

I got one DVD in the mail from a...

I got Playstation, I'm rich.

I got some clips I'll show you.

I got some errands to run,

I got some more information for you.

I got something for all y'all

I got that Anthrax and it's the bomb, baby.

I got that peein' leakin', reekin'

I got the key.

I got the sheep in my eye so I can't sleep

I got verb skills, babies, and bills.

I gotta be a man, I'ma go through with this.

I gotta get right into it, I don't have a lot of time now.

I gotta go to the Chappelle Show.

I gotta go to the Chappelle show.

I gotta go to the Chappelle's Show.

I gotta go to the Chappelle's Show.

I gotta go to the Chappelle's Show.

I gotta ride with them terrorist sons of bitches

I gotta say that he...

I gotta stop drinking.

I gotta tell you guys, man, uh,

I gotta tell you, I'm real grateful

I guess that's the way of the world.

I had a blast doing it.

I had a heart attack.

I had no idea these things were so important.

I had no idea where he was.

I had sex with Katie too, man.

I had some titties on my neck.

I hate losin' to those who walk away with my dough.

I hate on a ****a 'til he's totally broke,

I hate you, I hate you,

I have a book signing to go to.

I have a Stephen King horror movie...

I have a surprise for you, sweetie.

I have an agenda and it goes like this... oh!

I have another segment I would like to bring to you.

I have devised a new scheme, ladies and gentlemen,

I have footage of my vacation,

I have here in my hand the cure for AIDS.

I have just been told that Fubu...

I have some more information that might startle you.

I have some things I need to get off my chest.

I have the power to change the station."

I have the tape,

I have went into the B.E.T. libraries

I heard that's what they do around here.

I hope all the bad things in life happen to you

I hope he gets fucked in his butt in jail!

I hope you all die in a fiery death

I hope you found this tape informative.

I hope you're at home making your butt

I I don't think that this is gonna work.

I I don't understand.

I I I

I just bought one of the hottest albums

I just don't feel like we're sharing.

I just filmed it.

I just got that 50 Cent.

I just need $200, I take these real estate classes,

I just seen their new one,

I just want points, man.

I just want to make a total request live

I just would like to say to all of you,

I just... I'm just trying to teach you a lesson.

I keep talking to y'all

I kinda wanna hear you breathing

I knew it was one of those dudes.

I know how to read, man.

I know I am.

I know that was the case at my school.

I know where you live, Mr. Ed.

I learned a lot from Sharron

I learned that white people don't use washcloths.

I like chicken...

I like lesbians.

I like lesbians.

I like the song the girl sings, "Papa, Don't Preach".

I look like Turbo from Breakin'.

I look like Turbo from Breakin'.

I love ya!

I love you.

I make love to my wife: "Get off me."

I mean, I'm mad at everything, man.

I mean, it just seems that they have great hair,

I mean, really get in their face about it.

I mean, really, man,

I mean, really, please?

I mean, say what you want to say about his scandal,

I mean, Smith Barney...

I mean, the black man in America

I mean, these dudes are into everything.

I mean, you know my reputation.

I mean, you know what I mean?

I mean, you know, I can't explain it.

I need a witness

I need that bed. I got company.

I need to get better, y'all are right.

I needed to pull out a win and I needed it then.

I noticed you referred to n... African Americans.

I passed my test and was a certified real estate agent.

I pee on people when I have sex with them.

I pick you up from the club.

I promised Karen I'd quit smoking,

I really didn't have nothing to say.

I really do want to piss on you.

I really got into that character, too.

I recently joined the Make A Wish Foundation.

I refer to us as the Reagan babies.

I remember that we were all joking around,

I remember the whole speech.

I said, "don't get too fond of me

I said, "well, okay, I'll come over,"

I said, "where do I know this dog from?"

I said, what's your name, big man?

I said, your name is Toby!

I saw Katie with, uh, Tyree and Lysol,

I saw the show. I saw the dog.

I say it's a privilege,

I should just turn this thing off

I should leave?

I should not be in front of you today!

I should pee on y'all like R. Kelly.

I shouldn't have said that.

I sip Cris'...

I smell your light saber.

I spit a lot of verbs...

I stabbed a brother in the neck

I started doing drugs when I was little, just like you, fellow.

I still have big boobs!

I still haven't been cancelled yet.

I stuck my foot betwixt her buttocks so ravagely..

I sucked a dick for crack.

I support and back the rhythm.

I talk like straight up gangster, bitch.

I tasted brown sugar, and not in my oatmeal.

I tell you ladies, especially y'all at home watchin',

I think it's a distorted mind but in a way fortified

I think one of the underlying issues here is

I think we all know the story:

I think we need to have a house meeting, y'all.

I think what everybody wants to know now is,

I thought the worst was over.

I thought you was locked up.

I told y'all he's scared of me!

I told y'all not to give me a real baby.

I tried whacking off with my PC,

I understand, I didn't know it was an emergency.

I urinate on people when I have sex with them.

I wanna know do you want this?

I wanna know, what is the rainbow about?!

I wanna poop on you too

I wanna see the manager.

I wanna see your manager!

I wanna talk about the war

I wanna tell y'all how I really feel about the war.

I wanna tell y'all something...

I want my reparations for slavery.

I want some crack.

I want some crack.

I want to have doggy style sex with her, ugh.

I want to honor the people

I want to pee in your food.

I want to pee on you.

I want to piss on you yes, I do.

I want to piss on you. Yes, I do

I want you to push push, Mrs. Chappelle.

I want you to push.

I want you to tape something, all right?

I was gonna ask you how you was following me.

I was in negotiations with Comedy Central

I was just young and curious.

I was like Gina, number one,

I was like, "come on, titty, come on, titty!"

I was mistaken.

I was recently overseas in Japan.

I was sneakin' the same way, Sarge.

I was sworn to secrecy to,

I was talking 'bout the cigarettes,

I was with you.

I was, like, "should I just choke somebody, or...?"

I wasn't into black and white dentists, please.

I wasn't really crazy about the way

I wasn't really crazy about the way

I went to prison.

I will be right back, I will see you shortly.

I will take it a step further...

I wish I didn't have 'em!

I wish my boys could see this.

I wish you ill, Ice T.

I won't tell anyone, it's just between us.

I wonder what it'd look like?

I wonder what would happen if someone actually did that.

I wonder what would really happen, hmm?

I worked at a couple of fast food places.

I worked with him for two years.

I would just like to say that this council has zero tolerance

I would like to thank all of you

I would like to thank David Broom.

I would like to thank my studio audience.

I would like to thank the studio audience.

I would like to thank you at home

I would like to thank you at home.

I would never carjack that ugly ass car.

I would say that I was loved and feared at the same time.

I would shout out my favorite basketball player

I would.

I wouldn't lie to you.

I wouldn't mind sticking a finger or two

I wrote a script for Stephen King.

I... I would never hurt you.

I'd been on an eight week losing streak, man.

I'd better keep an eye on Sara.

I'd like to say a few words about your arrest record...

I'd like to say that you motherfuckers disgust me!

I'd like to take a moment out of the day to, uh,

I'd like to thank each and every one of you

I'd like to thank my guest, Mos Def, Guillermo Diaz,

I'd like to thank my guest, Mos Def, Guillermo Diaz,

I'd like to thank my guests,

I'd like to thank my studio audience for hangin' out,

I'd like to thank you at home for tuning in.

I'd like to thank you for coming to my show.

I'd like to welcome all you ignorant ass bitches,

I'd love some pussy before I go, ahh...

I'd much rather be called "an affirmative action hire"

I'll be back.

I'll be right out.

I'll beat the (bleep) out of one of you (bleep).

I'll call you sometime or come around or something.

I'll cut you, I'ma cut you, do you hear me?

I'll fuckin' kill ya.

I'll give you a heart attack!

I'll go to Rikers for three or four years

I'll kill ya!

I'll kill you!

I'll leave you two alone.

I'll look over here!

I'll pee on you. I'll piss on you

I'll piss on you. I'll pee on you.

I'll piss on you. I'll pee on you.

I'll put a band aid over your left cheek

I'll rip the...

I'll see you later...

I'll see you next week, God willin'.

I'll see you, baby.

I'll show you some of the tape.

I'll start the bidding at $9.95.

I'll tell 'em, "Uncle Sam sent me."

I'm 27.

I'm 35.

I'm a chronic masturbator.

I'm a chronic masturbator.

I'm a disgusting human being and I apologize

I'm a kick your motherfuckin' ass.

I'm a little worried, I didn't have a clean sports bra

I'm a sucker for boobies.

I'm all out and my flow is heavy.

I'm almost done.

I'm bright.

I'm cleaning up my act.

I'm Dave Chappelle and I love Internet porn.

I'm from the streets, bitch!

I'm from the streets, man.

I'm fun and being simple so I had a test of decency.

I'm gettin' ready to drop it, y'all ready?

I'm getting a restraining order against you, Rob.

I'm going to get a bowl of cereal.

I'm going to the dance floor.

I'm gonna beat you in your ass, you understand?

I'm gonna call him Dave.

I'm gonna come in... watch how I do it.

I'm gonna cover you with suds.

I'm gonna cut you.

I'm gonna fart on you.

I'm gonna give you some doo doo.

I'm gonna give you some pee pee.

I'm gonna give you some poo poo.

I'm gonna go in the back

I'm gonna go in.

I'm gonna go masturbate, Home Stenographer.

I'm gonna have my own phone line

I'm gonna just... I'm gonna get some rest.

I'm gonna kill you.

I'm gonna live with a white family.

I'm gonna piss on it

I'm gonna put my hood on.

I'm gonna rock it tonight!

I'm gonna show you how I go to the bathroom.

I'm gonna show you sorry, man!

I'm gonna show you sorry!

I'm just a ****a that love titties.

I'm just awake dog. I'm doing great dog.

I'm just kidding, come on out, mom and dad,

I'm just playin'... all right, man

I'm Kent Wallace, good night.

I'm Kent Wallace.

I'm killin' people, we drinkin' malt,

I'm king of the world!

I'm like J. Brown getting involved.

I'm like J. Brown, getting involved.

I'm like the second plane that made the towers face off.

I'm making juice, all right?

I'm most definite not think so.

I'm never going to curse my fun bags again.

I'm not braggin'.

I'm not feelin' the rainbow! I'm not feelin' the rainbow!

I'm not finished yet,

I'm not finished, but that's all right.

I'm not looking at anyone, if someone...

I'm on the cutting edge of what's alleged to be hot

I'm only 19.

I'm only pushed so far... and then I push back.

I'm out, I'll see you next year, God willin'!

I'm out!

I'm out.

I'm out.

I'm out.

I'm out.

I'm overwhelmed by the irony.

I'm paid in the shade.

I'm paid. I'm paid.

I'm ready to get out of here.

I'm really on a roll and I don't care

I'm really tryin' to encourage dialogue

I'm rich, bi atch!

I'm rich, bi atch!

I'm rich, bi atch!

I'm rich, bi atch!

I'm rich, bi atch!

I'm rich, bi atch!

I'm rich, bi atch! (horn honking)

I'm rich, bi atch! (horn honking)

I'm rich, bi atch! (horn honks)

I'm rich, biatch!

I'm rich, bitch.

I'm sayin', ******, you can't just put velvet

I'm seeing something... it's six weeks later...

I'm serious, ******, I can't hear outta this ear,

I'm serious, ******, turn them shits up!

I'm serious, Rob,

I'm serious, they have one bar of soap in the house.

I'm serious, they rolled camera on it.

I'm serious!

I'm serious!

I'm sorry to say it, there's something about boobs.

I'm sorry, are you all right?

I'm sorry, baby, I don't go South of the border

I'm sorry, I wasn't listening, what did you say?

I'm sorry, man.

I'm still standin', I'm still strong!

I'm taking you on a journey, girl!

I'm talking, of course, about your portrayal

I'm telling you!

I'm the biggest hater!

I'm the catalog you the same song.

I'm the future, I'm the future.

I'm the only manager here.

I'm tired of hip hop takin' the rap.

I'm trying to get paid for the work of my forefathers.

I'm trying to say something.

I'm warning you, though, I'm pretty good.

I'm writin'!

I'm... I'm your roommate, Chad.

I'ma be out there and whup your monkey ass

I'ma drop it like this,

I'ma drop it like this, hold up, y'all.

I'ma drop it like this, I'ma drop it like this.

I'ma pee on you.

I'ma pee out kick

I've been going out to, like, parties and stuff,

I've been looking around from the back,

I've been sleeping with my secretary

I've been stabbed!

I've been tricked!

I've been waiting out here for 45 minutes.

I've been watching the, the History Channel a lot

I've ever done in my career,

I've ever seen in my life.

I've got a nagging suspicion that bitch ain't Jamaican,

I've got humongoid knockers, and I'm proud of them.

I've gotta tell you guys,

I've never been treated so well by people.

I've seen the way you've treated

I've soiled my pantaloon.

I've written six books, they've published four.

If a customer has a computer disk,

If I can't talk, ******? I'm thirsty.

If I could have your attention.

If I tell him he's black, he'd probably kill hisself

If I'm packin' you duck..

If that man hadn't turned you in,

If the shoe fits, shut the fuck up,

If the volume's so low, turn it up!

If they can fix the teeth, cool. If they can't, that's cool, too.

If they use Apple, tell them we're PC

If they use PC, tell them we're Apple.

If you can, rap up a story

If you don't know Paul Mooney,

If you don't like Will & Grace,

If you flip that switch,

If you have hate in your heart, let it out

If you knew just one of the things

If you let one drop hit this motherfuckin' waverunner,

If you press this button,

If you wanna see some real truth?!

If you would like to see,

If you're just joining us,

In "Fighting Charlie with Mr. Charlie".

In "Improper Inquisitions".

In "Little Foot, Long Foot", he threw up.

In a different world, I could see myself with Todd.

In a galaxy called Nebulon Five.

In a job in a company,

In a strip mall on the exact location

In case my dick get sucked.

In fact, he had never even kissed a girl.

In fact, I might even get implants.

In fact, tell that titless freak she's fired.

In fields as they lay

In Hook Up History, and I salute you,

In Hook Up History.

In mere weeks.

In modern times.

In my car, asleep, high on crack.

In no time, Snake and his crew followed suit.

In some cases, encouraging the abuse.

In sports, the Philadelphia 76ers

In subsequent weeks, more African Americans

In the confession room.

In the first five minutes, roll credits, the end

In the history of drugs.

In the movie, you played Stanley,

In the shit and think they nice headphones!

In the wilds of Africa!

In these bars.

In your butt and all this?

In your butt and all this?

In your face, in your face, Billy!

In your face!

In your face.

In your face...

In your peanut butter.

In, out, get, grab, bonk.

Increased alertness,

Incredible, I'm receiving word that Colin Powell

Incredible.

Into raising the little motherfucker.

Involved in any ******dom, you understand?!

Involving boys and men of authority.

Ironically, he now works at a friendly Shoe Source

Is a port a potty.

Is because their service sucks.

Is dedicated to a copy place that I frequent.

Is gettin' shot, please believe that.

Is give back.

Is having a press conference right now at Skywalker Ranch.

Is if a pretty white girl sang my thoughts.

Is if we do ever get our reparations,

Is it a mixed bag,

Is it better than a female?

Is it mornin' yet?!

Is it okay if I call you Mr. Deez?

Is now at the podium.

Is something that I never really understood.

Is still tryin' to get himself together from it.

Is that "beat boxing?"

Is that a cut on beauty?

Is that an alien?!

Is that the word?

Is the financial security and well being of your family.

Is the most copied man on this planet, bar none.

Is the overall message of your books?

Is they what you call gangster?

Is this still live? Can we cut that?

Is this the 5:00 free crack giveaway?

Is when I turn your face into a toilet seat.

Is you have taken the white people and you have,

Is, every few years, they always put a black guy

Is, like, good friends of mine

It ain't goin' platinum, it's goin' double uranium, son.

It ain't over.

It appears as though my lady has been rummaging

It could be big trouble.

It gets worse.

It gives you perspective on a lot of things.

It happens that way.

It happens.

It has special powers.

It is like the hottest thing you ever seen.

It is truly an honor and a privilege

It is!

It just looks like a bunch of black people, but it's not.

It keeps incredible time!

It looks bombed out and depleted.

It means there's something wrong with Will!

It might contain Anthrax.

It only seems like I get everything that I want

It says, "wrap it up."

It seems as though the boudoir,

It tastes just like it smells...

It was a Snickers Bar,

It was directed by Denzel Washington,

It was embarrassing, man.

It was good, though.

It was Jimmy Mackey's 9th interception of the year,

It was raw and gritty.

It was terrible.

It was written by Antwone Fisher,

It was yummy going down.

It will record their innermost thoughts.

It will reveal the inner hearts of mankind.

It will reveal their true self.

It will show you things some would pay not to see.

It will show you where they will be in 10 years.

It would just freak America out.

It would've been a disaster.

It'd be safer, in case some radical

It'll be all right, soldier.

It's 1:30 in the morning and I have to get up early

It's 5:00.

It's a bleeper of a blooper, though.

It's a Chinese riddle for you.

It's a dildo, dawg!

It's a jungle down there.

It's a patchwork,

It's a real bad way to get your name in the source.

It's a TV show, say hi to America

It's actually dedicated to women who don't appreciate

It's all me, baby, here it come

It's always your own people

It's always your own people. Sometime it's your own people.

It's Bazaar Royale from Bloodline Records,

It's better!

It's Boy George!

It's Brooklyn.

It's called crack!

It's called, "Daughter, Don't Sing".

It's candy, you know, he's melting it.

It's confidential here, Leonard.

It's crazy, man, you'll see.

It's Earl, ****a, I need your stapler.

It's Fisticuffs.

It's gonna be shut down for a couple hours.

It's good to be here, come on, girl

It's great!

It's hot!

It's incredible, Chuck,

It's incredible... it's incredible, man.

It's James, the ****** hating dolphin!

It's just a fad.

It's just better in, uh...

It's just regular ass TV.

It's just so hard to keep my toilet white.

It's just, you know, especially, in the summertime,

It's like being the director of an awards show

It's like football or something.

It's made out of your mother's pubic hair.

It's me you're talking to,

It's me, baby, it's Tyrone.

It's Mos Def what you call real for sure.

It's much more than they could ever see.

It's my dumb ass husband who's dead, not me.

It's my money, bitch!

It's National Geographic's "Third World Girls Gone Wild!"

It's no need for all that. It's all good.

It's not genital herpes, it's just a cold sore!

It's not HBO...

It's not okay!

It's not okay!

It's on "Headphone Records," baby.

It's only 99 cents for the first minute,

It's overwhelming, I'm so used to taping a comedy show.

It's raining it's pouring..

It's real shitty down here

It's really not a game dog.

It's so good...

It's the bomb. It's pretty hot, right?

It's the cure for AIDS.

It's the finals, you're gonna need it to pass

It's the first brand of marijuana with no THC.

It's the new 50 Cent.

It's the Roc

It's the Roc, holler!

It's time for "Ask A Black Dude".

It's visual poetry.

It's your parents!

Jail?

Janice: "what are you saying, Brian?"

Janitor?

Jeannie. Jeannie?

Jedi knights in a galaxy far, far away.

Jeez, Julie, why don't you just fuck JJ.?

Jennifer Lopez,

JJ.?

Johnson employed a trick play,

Johnson finally got a penalty in his favor.

Johnson had one last fleeting stab at glory.

Johnson was crushed

Joining Harvey Randolph, the inventor of

Jokes and jokes and jokes and jokes and ah ha ha ha.

Jordan...

Julie!

Jump back like James Brown. Hey, now.

Just 'cause I'm blind don't mean I'm dumb.

Just 'cause.

Just about everything on the market is up,

Just because he was jealous of all the money they was makin'.

Just because of my sweater puppets!

Just believe me,

Just having a blast, baby.

Just keep it down."

Just kidding.

Just open up your heart and let that hate out!

Just remember this:

Just remember, your job is to frustrate them

Just roll...

Just so all you know, that's not real doo doo.

Just so there'd be one less ****** around.

Just stay meek. Fuck the way you speak.

Just the sort of stand off that creates classic

Just this morning, incredible.

Just to prove my point, I don't play that shit.

Justin, it's me, Dave Chappelle.

Justin, it's me, Dave Chappelle.

Katie has some big ass titties

Kenny's on his own, then.

Kick my ass, huh?

Kids, drugs is all around you.

Kids, y'all are looking at a dead man.

Kids: "We don't want to go to bed."

King Cole Records comin' at you.

Kiss my ass, you rotten motherfuckers.

Kiss my ass!

Kiss my black ass, America!

Kiss the rings, bitch!

Kizzie, behold, the only thing greater than yourself.

Knight Rider.

Knock, knock.

Know about sex with boys, Yoda did not.

Know that you've left them with peace of mind.

Known as the gay guy on, um, "Sex and the City".

Knows that it was Bibble, fo' shizzle

Kobe...

Kunta Kinte!

Kunta Kinte!

L.L.'s finest with plug 1, 2 and 3

Labias and flabias and flip flaps... man!

Ladies and gentleman,

Ladies and gentlemen,

Ladies, may we get a word?

Lay in the cut like they're not gonna know.

Lead you to abuse our trust.

Left guard, Carol Deitrich,

Left my bling bling at home. We keepin' it gangsta.

Leonard and I hardly even talk anymore.

Leonard, just so you know,

Let he who is without sin, throweth the first rock

Let me give you the nominations for Player Hater of the Year.

Let me just go to Howard like my father, you know?

Let me see this.

Let me try on some cotton Dockers, ha ha ha.

Let's dance.

Let's go, I'm whuppin' that ass now, almost done.

Let's hear it for Tyrone Biggums!

Let's hear it!

Let's ride on these fools at their own barbecue.

Let's see what our interracial families have learned.

Let's start the show

Let's start the show.

Let's start the show.

Let's start the show.

Let's start the show.

Let's start the show.

Let's start the show.

Let's start the show.

Let's start the show.

Let's start the show.

Let's start the show.

Let's start the show.

Let's take a look at the, uh, real version

Let's take a look.

Let's talk about Chinese people,

Lettin' their mind melt from drinkin' the Henny.

Lieth not, my lord, I prithee.

Life's got to go on, life's got to go on.

Lifting their shirts up is complete

Light saber?

Like he conscious.

Like life!

Like Miss Cleo, you understand?

Like our annual Photo Flip.

Like that! Like what?!

Like Totally Hidden Video or something like this.

Like what?

Like you see home alone,

Like, guys are always, like, after every chick...

Like, he'll freak out, you know, but it's like...

Like, real hatin', man, that's like an art form, man.

Like, recently, I'm not bragging..

Like, when I look at how beautiful they are?

Like, you have questions for your black friends

Lined up for hours.

Lionel Richie.

Listen, I didn't want to put this on you,

Listen, I think we'll be all right.

Listen, I'm gonna make this clear.

Listen, man, he's too important to the movement.

Listen, sister, I gotta go take a shit.

Little ass teeth? ****a got dolphin teeth

Little foot...

Lives were mysteries, wise and misty eyes

Living up to his reputation

Long foot...

Long foot...

Look at 'em, talking and laughing together."

Look at him.

Look at me, America, I'm makin' juice.

Look at me, America, look how Tron is living.

Look at my face when I see her titty pop out.

Look at that.

Look at them nipples, man.

Look at these pretty clothes there.

Look at this one.

Look at this, it's disgusting.

Look at us.

Look at you, Chuck, you look sick, man.

Look out crack, here I come!

Look out, America,

Look out, crack, here I come!

Look out, Jamie Kennedy!

Look, Billy..

Look, I I wasn't trying to make you feel bad,

Look, I'm gonna be right back

Look, it's Paul.

Look, just look at this

Look, son, dad's going away for a few weeks.

Look, the police found you three hours later

Look, we just doing a show...

Looking for great New York boobs.

Looks alike to me.

Looks like Malcolm X before he converted to Islam.

Looks like someone's having a herpes outbreak.

Lord have mercy!

Losing to a little guy like you.

Loving black people, one at a time

Lysol and Tyree, they're just genuinely nice guys.

Lysol had sex with Katie.

Macculloch had 75 points, beating Knight by 7.

Mace, do you feel that the Jedis

Mad Real World, son

Mad real.

Made minor contact with his shoes.

Magic does exist.

Mainly nigras.

Make me want to tell you somethin'.

Make some noise for Mario Cantone

Make some noise for my man,

Make some noise, ladies and gentlemen,

Make some noise, Mos Def, Talib Kweli... Black Star.

Make some noise... Tyrone Biggums.

Make them trade spouses for a whole month.

Make ya feel good having your own TV show.

Mammy.

Man, I don't know if I should mess with this camera thing.

Man, I got here when I could!

Man, I look like that 7 Up guy.

Man, I'm bored.

Man, I'm bored.

Man, I'm bored.

Man, I'm bored.

Man, I'm bored.

Man, I'm glad that we're not cancelled yet

Man, I'm just messin' with this camera.

Man, I'm paid. I got it made.

Man, if I could just slide a finger down

Man, that was infuriating, man.

Man, this bitch next to me needs surgery.

Man, this is great.

Man, we're just having us a blast here in the studio.

Man, what the fu... is this?

Man, y'all,

Man, y'all,

Man, you oughtta take that cane

Man, you the sickest motherfucker

Man, you told me this (bleep) was for HBO, man.

Man, you want some too?

Man.

Man... thank you so much.

Mangle the game, the angle is to strangle the game

Manuel, why were you late?

Many of them are coming forward with allegations

Matter of fact, he's just a gay guy in the city.

Matter of fact, my friend Jasper told me

May I have a double cheeseburger...

Maybe he'll be able to throw something in the conversation."

Maybe I need to wash my face or my feet.

Maybe real life is just more interesting than fake life,

Maybe we should put her on a plate and send her to Mexico

Mazel tov!

Me and D. Chappelle got it yellow taped off.

Me and my friends are gonna show you the basics

Me and my friends would go home

Me better not go to bathroom.

Me Jane. She hairy.

Mexicans don't watch the news.

Michael, what's happening?

Mickey Rooney, maybe?

Might not know this about me, watching me on TV or whatever

Might wanna hide your identity.

Might've had a feeling,

Miguel, you heard the man.

Military shit is blowin' up.

Mine was like that, but it was raw!

Mine was supposed to be hard and real!

Miss Cleo lies, she's phony.

Mm hmm, I'm here for same reasons you is, man,

Mm hmm.

Mm, mm, mm.

Mmm, hello, police?

Molly!

Molly... Molly, Molly.

Money, okay?

Mop top...

More applesauce?

More effort, huh?

Morpheus?

Morpheus?

Mos Def.

Most ****as would be like..

Most of the original members of the gangs

Motherfucking tiz ight!

Motherfucking tiz ight?

MP with the "V" in the middle.

Mr. Bigsby was also critical of the entertainment industry.

Mr. Bigsby was not harmed that night,

Mr. Deez?

Mr. Ed, take four.

Mr. Ed.

Mr. President! Mr. President!

Much more is what we got in store...

Much more is what we got...

Much more than they could see is how it'll always be.

Much more,

Much more.

Must be rappers.

My album collection just keeps growing.

My base of fans is made up of many

My butt is itchin' like crazy, and I took a shower.

My daughter thinks you're really funny.

My dogs all ready to bark.

My fault.

My favorite TV show for the last few years

My first show that ever got on the air

My girlfriend Katie came in from Maine,

My God, Big Al, that's disgusting!

My God, jail.

My guy friends aren't like that.

My lady... hey!

My lord, I need to know,

My man got shot in his ear like, eight times.

My man, Lysol, fresh out the joint.

My man, Meek, hooked this up.

My master said the force was strong in me...

My name ain't Big Al, it's Alton Sims, okay?

My old boyfriend liked it just fine.

My parents were really disappointed

My point is, Stevenson,

My shit is da bomb, bitch.

My throat's dry.

My whole life's like Vice City, man, look.

N n n n nineteen.

Nah, son, that ain't no dinner thing.

Nah, uh, all the beds is full.

Nah.

Need a loan for your home and you're too broke to get it.

Needless to say, I was a little surprised

Newly released from prison,

News Center 3 has been covering this story for some time,

Next

Next ****a say somethin' while I'm talkin'

Next picture, please.

Next picture, please.

Next question!

Next time on Frontline, we expose

Nice shirt, Does it come in your size?

Nice, huh?

****as is wildin'!

****** With A Brain.

******, Dave Chap "P" right behind us.

******, I am gonna get cancelled for sure.

******, I can't hear, turn up my headphones!

******, I said drop, not drumroll.

******, I'm serious, I can't hear out of my left headphone.

******...

******s In School, how 'bout that, Stephen?

******s, ****, homosexuals, Mexicans, Arabs,

Night night.

Nighty night, keep your butthole tight.

Nigras make me sick!

No collection of videos showing girls

No matter how hard we try.

No matter where you come from, you know what I'm saying?

No one can quite run it like me.

No, he didn't, no, he didn't!

No, he'll be here... in three, two, one...

No, Hove did that!

No, I don't.

No, I'm serious, look.

No, I've had several attempts, man.

No, it's you with your crusty ass lips!

No, man. No.

No, nah, nah, son, ooh, she can stay.

No, no, fuck it, I'ma go through with this

No, no, I just bought this baby cash.

No, no, no, I, I... I'm your new roommate, right?

No, no, no!

No, no, pardon me, miss, I...

No, see, I am the manager.

No, sir, not in many years.

No, straight up, though, I'm gonna do the real thing,

No, that's genital herpes.

No, that's not what I said!

No, this is a good one.

No, Tyree, you had sex with me too.

No, we promised each other we'd all leave here together.

No, you know what, Chad? I'm gonna stay here.

No, you know when we thought of that sketch,

No!

No!

No.

No.

No.

No. No, man.

No... uh, who are you?

No... yeah.

None other than, Clayton Bigsby!

Normally I don't do this,

Not a bad idea.

Not because it was the right thing to do,

Not even close.

Not for real, ******, I'm sayin' on the paper,

Not if I can help it.

Not just basketball, and it's off the hook.

Not mad, but I just don't like this about "The Real World,"

Not only am I for affirmative action,

Not only can we do that on the basketball court,

Not only that, we added a pinch of black genes

Not sure we're in the right place.

Not that I'm a liar, but, man, this is a movie.

Not today.

Not well.

Not your average human being the flow is streaming...

Nothing but an inconvenience.

Now everybody's trying to do it.

Now get close.

Now get yours.

Now he's back on point.

Now he's back on point.

Now he's back on point.

Now I can get that full reefer aroma,

Now I can get that full reefer aroma,

Now I gotta get up, wash all this blood off me,

Now that freak has me talking like him.

Now that he came out with them mix tapes

Now that looks poopy.

Now that looks poopy.

Now we gotta take you.

Now, a lot of us go to the movies

Now, a lot of you might be wondering,

Now, America's the same way.

Now, for a small, one time fee plus minor upkeep,

Now, get your fat ass on out of here, white boy.

Now, here to re enact

Now, I almost did it.

Now, I don't know how many of you guys are from my generation;

Now, I don't know if you guys know at home

Now, I don't want to pick on everybody else

Now, I done heard of trimming the hedges,

Now, I got enough cigarettes to last me and my family

Now, I'm getting outta here.

Now, if this was Telemundo... (laughing)

Now, if you'll excuse me,

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go home

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go take my throne

Now, not only is this watch attractive,

Now, recently...

Now, Ron, you are actually wearing our next product,

Now, see them as you've never seen them before,

Now, that is what I call dancin'!

Now, that man right there I'd hate to fight.

Now, the next one is the one that really

Now, this next one...

Now, we have a beautiful set of cubic zirconia earrings

Now, white folks wear bald heads, too.

Now, who could forget the timeless classic, Pretty Woman,

Now, you guys, I don't know if you guys are big movie buffs,

Now, you looking at the world's richest man,

Now, you think that that's the worst of it?

Now.

Now...

Nowadays we all know that cash rules everything around us:

Nurse, could you come in here, please, quickly?

Nurse!

O.J. didn't do it

Observe.

Observe.

Occasionally, you may get snagged

Of a brilliant, young man.

Of a little movie called Half Baked, where..

Of a new way to make cocaine.

Of all these hip hop cats, man.

Of course, he's gonna freak out.

Of Jedi boy touching?

Of our favorite movies,

Of our favorite movies.

Of people objectifying women, and I'll show it to you tonight

Of Pretty Woman.

Of Private Jackson

Of some of my favorite movies.

Of the best looking audiences I've ever seen in my life.

Of the craziest black people we could find,

Of the dog who played Rin Tin Tin.

Of the hundred wealthiest people today,

Of the NY dirty "C", my man.

Of the Olympic Liquor Store in Queens,

Of the white supremacist movement in America.

Of what it's like to work here.

Oh ho, you tease. You big tease.

Oh I want to stick my thumb in J Lo's butt

Oh my god, how did you know that?

Oh my God.

Oh my gosh, yes!

Oh yeah!

Oh, a camera, ooh whee!

Oh, ah, oh!

Oh, are guys really like that?

Oh, be comfortable, relax, everyone.

Oh, Billy, I shoulda left you dead, baby,

Oh, by the way, I forgot to tell you...

Oh, come on, man, with all that shouting.

Oh, don't play dumb with us, Tyrone.

Oh, don't worry, Sheila, I'm sure nobody notices.

Oh, Eskimo kisses.

Oh, girl, I should shit on you.

Oh, god.

Oh, good, you're awake.

Oh, Hannah, yeah?

Oh, hell, no.

Oh, here we go, here's the real deal.

Oh, ho!

Oh, hold on, Paula.

Oh, hold on, there... is your name Miguel?

Oh, hold up, I'm getting a call, I'll be right back.

Oh, honey, I think he likes it.

Oh, I better get out of here.

Oh, I don't know, Chuck.

Oh, I knew I should have brought a prettier friend.

Oh, I was gonna have her be one,

Oh, I'm gettin' ready to crash, girl, hold up.

Oh, I'm on it.

Oh, I'm steppin' on 'em.

Oh, I'm... hey, I'm sorry.

Oh, Jasper, there's a ****** around here.

Oh, Jenny, R Rob, look, y'all,

Oh, keep it real, girl, them things are lifesavers.

Oh, look! Look, he doin' it!

Oh, mama.

Oh, man, hate, hate, hate...

Oh, man, no.

Oh, man, thanks.

Oh, man, you corny!

Oh, my God, Billy.

Oh, my god, there's no way you could have known that

Oh, my God!

Oh, my god!

Oh, my God.

Oh, my gosh, Sheila, you are right.

Oh, my gosh.

Oh, my gosh... Ho ho.

Oh, my... it's Redman.

Oh, ******, just dropped the beat out.

Oh, ******, you know I see you.

Oh, no, he pull his pants down!

Oh, no, not stick.

Oh, no, that's fine, thank you.

Oh, no!

Oh, no!

Oh, no? No!

Oh, oh, baby! Damn!

Oh, oh, in your face!

Oh, oh, oh, okay, okay, okay...

Oh, oh!

Oh, oh...

Oh, oh... oh, well...

Oh, okay, that's nice, yeah.

Oh, okay, y'know what I'm doing wrong, apparently?

Oh, ooh! Hot, hot!

Oh, pumpkin!

Oh, Rob, you should have seen it,

Oh, snap, it gets Comic View?

Oh, snap, there she go right there!

Oh, snap!

Oh, snap!

Oh, so baller!

Oh, sure, sure.

Oh, Tammy.

Oh, that's a beautiful thought.

Oh, that's a very nice gesture, what will you..

Oh, that's monster.

Oh, they'll take stuff from you.

Oh, this white boy's trippin', "you people?"

Oh, uh...

Oh, very nice.

Oh, well, if you put it that way...

Oh, why didn't they say there ain't no windows in here?

Oh, word?

Oh, wow... man

Oh, ya... lock the door, good idea.

Oh, yeah, take that, girl.

Oh, yeah, well, I'm glad you asked, little buddy.

Oh, yeah, you set 'em up nice, I'm gonna come in.

Oh, yes, yes, I will.

Oh, you got a family?

Oh, you just answered your own question.

Oh, you know the old adage: Big boobs, bad back.

Oh, you mean, like, "slavery forced"?

Oh, you ripped my wig off.

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh! Aah!

Oh.

Oh. Damn.

Oh...

Oh... ah, 1 0, 1 0.

Oh... Lord...

Oh... oh, yes.

Oh... ohh!

Oh... okay.

Oh... well, is the beat gonna stop?

Oh... yes!

Ohh!

Oil has dropped to $1.50 a barrel,

OJ...

Okay, bye, Jenny, bye, Rob.

Okay, have you gained weight?

Okay, here we have Connecticut.

Okay, I think I've done this before.

Okay, I'm being told now that Mace Windau, Yoda's replacement,

Okay, I've always wondered why black guys shave their heads.

Okay, is that your son?

Okay, let's have, uh, Jenny and Rob.

Okay, me and Bibble are about to leave,

Okay, now, I'm hearing we've gotta move on

Okay, now, let that beat ride like that.

Okay, okay, remember now, we're not here to judge anybody,

Okay, our sportswear tsunami continues to gather strength.

Okay, see, that's a discrepancy right there.

Okay, so I got another one for you.

Okay, so your current boyfriend is white.

Okay, thank... I've got it from here, thank you.

Okay, thanks.

Okay, Tyrone, do you know why you're here?

Okay, Tyrone, I'm what is known as

Okay, Tyrone, we are not giving crack away today.

Okay, we got him now, huh?

Okay, we're getting word that council leader Yoda

Okay!

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay. All right.

Okay. Tyrone!

Old time farts.

On a "newly single" party with her friends...

On an already amazing day, Chuck.

On second thought, yeah he did.

On that note, Chuck, we're gonna send it

On the borderline with so much more to find.

On the borderline with so much more to find.

On the drug dealers that moved next door to his house,

On the way out, please?

On the way over here.

On their breasts and they will not get angry.

On there and try to make him look crazy.

On top of her two passed out friends,

Once an hour, 24 times a day.

Once you took that away,

One he hadn't used since his high school days.

One house, two houses, third house.

One night in the ghetto,

One of my favorite "Real World" moments,

One of my favorite groups ever in hip hop history.

One of my favorite love movies, Ghost...

One of my ******s said he drunk so much

One of them coons came by his house

One time, I had a three way with these two guys in college

Only do with a guy like Mel Gibson.

Only thing to make my life complete

Only your mama calls me daddy.

Ooh, for shizzle, my bizzle

Ooh, oh, ow, oh...

Ooh!

Oooooh.

Ooooohhhhhh do it.

Ooooohhhhhh.

Oops, sorry.

Or are some small, some big?

Or do we just assume they're all hung like horses?

Or if I dated four white girls myself.

Or is standards gonna kill me?

Or like that Brooklyn ****** said, "igger n I'm"

Or one of his educated guessers tell you your future.

Or startin' up some foul rumor that'll ruin your life."

Or starting an itty bitty titty committee?"

Or what color your skin is,

Or whatever your school is called, today.

Or you think you can still handle my job?

Or...

Or...

Oswald killed Kennedy.

Other thugs you've been with.

Our clients will never respond to her

Our financial correspondent Michael Peterson is there.

Our search for answers led us here,

Our Stephanie Gold is standing by with him now.

Our top story, as we all know,

Outrage throughout the community as yet another sex scandal

Over this interview is.

Ow!

Ow!

Ow!

Ow! Death!

Ow! Oh!

Ow.

Ow.

Ow.

Ow.

Ow.

Ow.

Ow.

Ow.

Ow.

Oww.

Oww.

Oww.

Oww.

Oww.

Oww.

P.S. (coos)"

Pam, do you you have anything sanitary?

Pardon me, can I talk to you for my TV show?

Parked cars at wrestling.

Paul Pierce... Oh, ah.

Paul, wait!

Pay some bills, and we'll be right back.

Peace, you punk bitches.

Peanut butter and crack sandwich!

Peanut butter and crack sandwich!

Peanut butter and crack sandwich.

People on the street have been reacting

Perfect!

Perhaps, won't be necessary.

Permission granted.

Permission to carry out one last mission, sir?

Permission to die, Sarge.

Piss on you. Piss on you.

Pissin' all over me and (beep).

Pit Bull is nominated for calling the police

Pit Bull! (barks)

Pizza?

Play it again, play it again!

Player Hater of the Year Award is...

Player Haters Ball!

Please be seated.

Please enjoy.

Please make some noise for my brother, Mos Def!

Please, don't go anywhere.

Please, don't run.

Please, I have a family.

Please, ladies and gentlemen,

Please, make some noise for my brothers, De La Soul.

Please, welcome, David Chappelle.

Please, welcome, David Chappelle.

Point it out.

Police showed up promptly four hours later.

Police, police, they comin' this way!

Politicians weren't spared either.

Pour on you.

Pouring liquor on the day you was born.

Pretty damn bad, huh?

Pretty much anyone who isn't black

Pretty white girl, come on out

Protect your goddamn neck, a'ight?

Prudence, have Jasper load the truck!

Prudence!

Psh... I don't want to do that.

Psych, you thought I was done didn't you?

Psych!

Psych!

Psych!

Psyche!

Pull up to your spot on low.

Pulled my penis through this hole.

Pump it up, unh!

Pump up that bass, pump up that bass!

Punch him in his dick.

Put me onto these And 1 mix tapes,

Put on my white glow and my all white tux.

Put some treble in it, that's my word.

Put some treble in it.

Put your hands together for Dave Chappelle!

Put your money in the bank

Question here.

Quite shitty.

Quote, finally, feels like he has a big penis.

QVC, I don't know if you watch it.

R. Kelly actually sent over the "Piss On You" remix.

Racial profiling?

Racist Hollywood automobiles,

Raise our kids, make love from time to time, and wash.

Ran by the river only stoppin' to pray

Rasheed Wallace.

Read back five minutes ago.

Read back when that babysitter told the kids to go to bed.

Read it back to him.

Real sex, street interviews, take one!

Really?

Really?

Really? Ha!

Really? Where, mommy?

Really? Yeah, let's go.

Recently, People magazine actually said that my show was

Record labels is just signing anybody from the streets

Red, is my career down there?

Redman... well, how does it work?

Reliable, friendly, portly... Big Al.

Remember that place in...

Remember that thing where you forced us to work, huh?

Remember that, Ed McMahon?

Remember when the brother come up and,

Repeatedly sexually molested them over a number of years

Resign he will.

Respect mine.

Resume, look cool,

Revenue they don't share with my black ass.

Revered General Cornrow Wallace was shot dead.

Rhonda, would you like to go first?

Riddled with back country hollows,

Right

Right in your house.

Right?

Right.

Right... here!

Rises in short term memory,

Rob, Jenny, y'all ain't gonna be sorry about this.

Rob, Rob, Rob!

Robble, robble robble, robble.

Robble, robble.

Roca pads is 30 more absorbent

Roca pads is 30 more percent absorbent

Roca pads is 30% more absorbent

Roca pads.

Rough and rugged yet the girls still love it.

Rub it in your breasts and on your vagina.

Run on down to Third Street, catch the "D" bus downtown,

Run on, make some grits.

Run on.

Running through the raindrops

Said rollin' around sittin' on dubs,

Said your body, your body

Say hello to your people for me.

Say word, son!

Say, won't you braid my hair?

Sayeth what?

Saying half the things I be thinking.

Saying that they're materialistic

Scoping out the ladies...

Second of all, you know I'm vacillating here, trying to...

Secondly, and most importantly,

See what else we got here.

See, that's the kind of movie you could

See, the thing about sex is there's good sex

Sell me some juice, bitch, I'm thirsty!

Selma, Alabama, 1957 riots, in front of Woolworth's!

Seven?

Sex, sex, sex.

Sexual, broke, uh, sexual chocolate.

Shazam!

She dead or something, my fault.

She might be the one.

She realizes what she's touching and continues.

She said, "girl, you have got to get down to Emery,

She say something wrong with you grandmother.

She treat 'em bad, don't she?

She treated them thugs bad.

She was a hooker and made it sound so great.

She was humping on black chairs,

She wears underwear with dick holes in 'em.

She went crazy when she got away from him.

She's in my contract

Sheila, it's okay.

Shifty go betweens and palpable danger.

Shine brighter than all of the cats that got on glow.

Shit, you're not my fucking moms!

Shocking.

Shoot this motherfucka.

Shotgun, little buddy!

Should a customer get all uppity and ask to speak to a manager,

Should I read more?

Show us your face, we wanna see your face!

Shut up... oh!

Shut your damn mouth, you pothead!

Silky Johnson is nominated

Silky Johnson!

Silky Johnson!

Silky mama got one big titty

Silky mink made out of 100% rat ass!

Since its inception,

Since you're guys...

Sir, I don't want you to slip on my skateboard.

Sir, my message is simple.

Sir, now that you've got your check,

Sir, you're a friend.

Sir!

Sit tight for more of this Chappelle's Show.

Six hours straight, talking 'bout,

Slowly but surely, Hutchinson wore down the defensive line

Smellin' like some angel

Snake, knowing what you do now, was it all worth it?

So call us,

So cool and old school like A 4.

So do white people

So don't go anywhere.

So don't go anywhere.

So everyone, just sit tight.

So great to spend some quality time with her.

So halfway through the show, I just gave up.

So here at Chappelle's Show. we like to show people

So hopefully none of y'all have to go through that.

So I bring to you now, "Dave Chappelle",

So I did my research, I did my homework, America.

So I figured I'd come by and pay you a visit.

So I gave people an opportunity to ask those questions,

So I got a little riddle for you.

So I had to wear a regular one.

So I might as well introduce you

So I went on the streets

So I'm home the other day, and I caught this commercial...

So if your period is droppin', then, we catch it,

So it's time again for "Ask A Black Dude"

So keep my name out your mouth

So ****as know how we livin' out here,

So stop with the nonsense

So that they could do things like this.

So that was college, how about you?

So that's why I think I'm qualified for the promotion.

So the Mexicans will eat her... white power.

So then I just went to Howard, where I majored in sociology,

So they said, "well, let's get Dave Chappelle for that.

So tonight I bring to you the real versions

So use the cloth.

So we figured we'd make it easier on Clayton

So we like to show what would really happen in some

So what you got here, some Playstation?

So without further ado,

So you guys can throw up or do whatever you have to do,

So, Chuck, as you can see, it's been a pretty amazing day.

So, David, I was driving on the freeway.

So, do you want me... now?

So, how did you become

So, I want you to be good, okay, squirt?

So, it's like O'Doul's, but for weed.

So, it's like,

So, my lady, I invite thee

So, right now I present

So, should I tell her she's not getting the promotion?

So, since you're still a guy, but you like guys,

So, you know?

So, you're saying that's you in the classic

Sold!

Some 19 odd years ago.

Some beef is big and some beef is small,

Some extraordinary young people.

Some mark ass trick just stepped on my sneakers

Some of the other roommates, um, acted in the juice bar.

Some skits, bi atch!

Something in his eyes that kind of scared me,

Something like that.

Something needs to happen with this comedy thing right now.

Something's wrong with you.

Sometime it's your own people Yeah, yeah.

Sometimes, Dave will talk with a phony baloney Jamaican accent.

Sometimes, dipped in embalming fluid.

Son, I know this is difficult for you, but...

Sorry about last night.

Sorry I just find it to be gross,

Sorry, I need this!

Sorry, sorry.

Sorry.

Sorry.

Spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti.

Speaking of which,

Speeding towards Earth as we speak.

Spray it in the toilet,

Sprewell...

Squee ah ee ah ee.

Squee ba boo dee ba boo ba.

Squee ba boo. Squee ba boo squee.

Squee da squee do.

Sssss!

Stand up and see for yourself.

Standing in New York City,

Star search, 1992, I was with you, man,

Starting now, T Mart.

Starting tonight with The Matrix.

Stay as low as you can.

Stay cool, big time, stay cool!

Stay there.

Step to the "Wu", Wu Tang Financial.

Steve, what'd I say about hitting so hard, man?

Stick around for more Chappelle's Show.

Stick around.

Still in all, five o came to my mic check

Stomping on people's sneakers

Stop playin', Rhonda, get out the car!

Stop skipping your remedial class.

Stop... driving.

Street Hoops, wanna play?

Strong back shit lifting it up

Strong back shit lifting it up

Strong words from Mr. Windau.

Stupid boobs.

Stupid dwarf!

Suck my...

Surprise, surprise, right in your eyes.

Sweet Jesus, did you see the jugs on that brunette?

Sworn rivals,

T Mart...

T Mart's been back talking me,

Ta daaa.

Take a look at your beloved Nat "King" Cole.

Take me there, son.

Take me there...

Take me to your special place.

Take that cap off and sniff it. And you be high.

Take you home to make some love.

Taking 'em out on that parade

Talkin' about, "I'm pregnant by some other ****a."

Tastes like the chronic, and yet it's not.

Technically making it a four way.

Tell 'em I got shot by some Chinese gangsters

Tell that ******!

Tell the wild card boy not to get off their horse

Tell your little friends that dreams do come true.

Tellin' me I left lacerations around my mic's neck.

Tensions between the Gangsters

Terrible.

Test the limits of a dangerous force.

Than "broke and unemployed".

Than the leading brand.

Than the leading brand.

Than the leading brand.

Than the leading brand...

Than they could ever see.

Thank y'all for coming, white power!

Thank you all for coming, another year.

Thank you for being here.

Thank you for that lovely and moving and graphic story.

Thank you so much.

Thank you very much, good night!

Thank you very much, teacher!

Thank you, good luck.

Thank you, kids!

Thank you, Miss Effie.

Thank you, Stephanie.

Thank you, thank you.

Thank you, thank you.

Thank you, William.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thanks a lot, Sheila.

Thanks for coming back.

Thanks for coming out, I'll see you next week.

Thanks for coming out, man, I am your, um, host.

Thanks for coming out, man.

Thanks for coming to my girl's birthday party

Thanks for having me, Mr. Bush. I appreciate the invitation.

Thanks for joining us, you guys

Thanks for playing.

Thanks, Chuck. We're standing here in front

Thanks, Home Stenographer.

Thanks, mister.

Thanks, y'all.

Thanks...

That almost got to the air, but then I got sued

That collaborate together to make some kind of mixture

That could be a potential disaster.

That crazy dancin' makin' my penis soft.

That damn monkey was beatin' my hood!

That disgusting, bigot ass horse!

That dog that you call "Rin Tin Tin", I call "racist".

That don't mean there's something wrong with you

That ends in dry humping and, eventually, insertion

That gets your toilet bowl sparkling white.

That happy ****a that's in that movie where

That has set a new standard

That hasn't already been said about Afghanistan?

That he was white.

That I don't want to do.

That I had an opportunity to do this show.

That I'm sure somebody spit in

That is a week of drug education for children in schools.

That is one funny ass kid.

That is, until recent allegations surfaced.

That it broketh off and snappeth as the twig doth snap!

That just looks so nasty, doesn't it?

That knows how to get his.

That Leonard Washington is glad he made it out, go on.

That lucks up and meets a millionaire,

That may or may not watch the show for all I know

That means that you've had a Great Moment

That means you've just been hired to work here

That motherfucker pumped my gas in my car

That my man Fisticuff rules the streets.

That night, Bobby and Gina had drunken sex

That none of the black players showed up,

That one of our models, Tammy, is modeling.

That opened the floodgates.

That Paul Mooney is something!

That seems to implicate you in the cover up

That the Jedi masters they studied under

That there are so many different kinds of people here.

That these allegations are absolutely and 100% false.

That took place right here on American soil.

That was a big night for me.

That was already scary.

That was fuckin' gross and hairy, man.

That was fuckin' gross and hairy, man.

That was great havin' sex in the shower, Halle Berry.

That was sittin' in there before you, whoo!

That wasn't R. Kelly, it was me.

That were written calling us controversial,

That will make them feel uncomfortable.

That woman was a flat chested bore.

That wrote that movie.

That you are an African American?

That you might see in the nighttime?

That you want to ask 'em, but you're afraid to ask.

That you want to ask gay people,

That your parents are dead.

That, children, was the first time

That, of course, was beautiful talkin'.

That, that "Chocolate Factory", that R. Kelly.

That'd probably be having sex with old Gangbang here,

That'll be enough, thank you very much.

That's a good bit, we planned that.

That's a good thing, man, you have your own show,

That's a lot better than saying,

That's a lot more lucrative.

That's a wrap!

That's against the protocol of robbery!

That's all I can tell you

That's an excellent year.

That's beef

That's beef.

That's funny, Stephen King.

That's good thinking, all right.

That's how he came up, with them mix tapes.

That's impossible, Rhonda.

That's ironic, because I take yoga classes from him.

That's it, you're done, man!

That's it!

That's just one thing that Leonard Washington don't do.

That's kind of a weird question,

That's my dad, man.

That's no snake, honey.

That's ridiculous.

That's right

That's right,

That's right, available for the first time on home video,

That's right, baby, I just bought this truck straight cash.

That's right, here I come.

That's right, how may I help you?

That's right, I hate ******s, but I love skateboards.

That's right, I spray people with urine

That's right, Lee Harvey Oswald killed John F. Kennedy,

That's right, my friend.

That's right, that's right!

That's right, that's right.

That's right, the bullet was actually magical,

That's right, turn 'em up!

That's right.

That's right.

That's the baddest motherfucker I ever seen in my life!

That's the most racist shit ever.

That's the thing about being on TV,

That's two, that's me.

That's very hard, to ignore

That's what I told some black people

That's what I was smoking.

That's what I was telling you.

That's what I'm talking about.

That's what you did!

That's when I met Kit.

That's why it's time to enter the 36 Chambers.

That's why you have so many mixed couples.

The "penis in the popcorn" is a classic

The "Trent Lott Foundation" for peace and understanding.

The "we're out of gas" move,

The 19th Street Gangsters and the River Terrace Crew.

The anticipation was at a fever pitch

The big penis club.

The bitches, the ****as, the women, the children,

The bitches, the ****as, the women, the children,

The Black Stallion."

The catch word around here is certainly, "bling, bling!"

The CEO of Roc A Fella Records,

The confusion did not end there

The crack of that ass.

The crew went to the graveyard

The crime rate has fallen to 0%.

The crime you've committed was very serious,

The cubicle across from you is empty.

The defense's biggest weakness

The evil star here, wanna welcome you to

The Fifth Annual Player Haters Award, uh, Ceremony.

The first Noel the angels did say

The force is mine.

The funeral passed without incident

The funeral was somber

The funny thing was, the dude that does the props

The ghetto, it's understood what this is,

The goofiest crack head in the town.

The goofiest crackhead in the town.

The greatest show.

The greatest show.

The groom's friends gotta have somebody to sleep with.

The History Channel,

The Home Stenographer.

The hundreds of people in front of me

The incident was videotaped

The inventor of the seemingly platonic sleepover

The kookiest crackhead in the town

The last maiden that accused me of lying,

The mighty Mos!

The money made fueled what became a heated arms race

The most diabolical haters this side of the Mississippi.

The most moving film that I saw last year had to be

The name's Chappelle

The new And 1 mix tape kills it 'cause it does all sports,

The news just keeps rolling in here.

The next nominee is Pit Bull.

The next president of the United States!

The number's on the fridge if you need anything.

The one that real ****as got their hand raised for.

The only reason I didn't do it

The only thing that I would say,

The only toilet bowl cleaner with enzymes and shit

The only way people would listen to the stuff I think

The other night at my show.

The other night he came home at three in the morning.

The Pepsi generation, Generation "X", they called us.

The player haters ball gives us an opportunity

The Player Haters Ball is not always about

The point is, those movies are phony baloney,

The police never look for Tupac and Biggie's murderers.

The quiet, the livest, the realest, and that's close.

The quiet, the livest, the realest, and that's close.

The R. Kelly sex tape.

The real versions of movies.

The recession is now officially over,

The records with his scar.

The rest of 'em need to break down and admit it too.

The rightest MC.

The Roots 25th anniversary commemorative edition on DVD.

The rugs don't quite match the d****s,

The same way that they honor these warriors of football.

The setting for yet another classic stand off between

The show where we take two married couples,

The Snake knew then that he would have to fight him.

The Snake was down, but not out.

The temptation to lie would be too strong for me

The thing that was wrong with that show

The topic was "angry white men".

The undisputed, underdog serving y'all threat.

The violence escalated every year,

The war began in 1982 over a pair of basketball shoes.

The way he was looking at me and Katie.

The way they did that fateful night...

The WB!

The whole system?

The winner of the Ninth Annual

The workers, the dealers, the addicts, the killers,

The workers, the killers, the addicts, the dealers,

The world's wealthiest man, Tron?

Their capacity for evil so evident and prevalent.

Their god given assets.

Their titties.

Them boobies is gone, girl, just like you wished for.

Them clothes were a throwback.

Them drums say the revolution is near.

Them white girls gonna come flockin'.

Then he made me wear a blindfold

Then his three friends have to sell reefer to make the bail.

Then how did you show me all those places?

Then I said, "hey... "

Then I thought, "am I getting bridesmaids,

Then I upgraded to a little drug called acid...

Then I would like to dedicate this next piece

Then look at it and tell them it's the wrong format.

Then tell them, "guess what?

Then tricking his best friend

Then who was it?

Then you'll be all set, all right?

Then, you'd be after every guy...

There is a black man sitting at a desk directly to your right.

There is cookie and punch for us to enjoy,

There should be some type of reparation...

There were also many rumors of his off camera activities.

There's a lot of heat right here.

There's a new video prankster in town,

There's actually bite marks on my ass that can prove it

There's no hope for the Planet Earth.

There's no way to stop the asteroid

There's no way.

These are some of the best boobs you can see in the city.

These basketball tapes is the bomb.

These guys are really the new entrepreneurs, man.

These guys got

These people are spending money like hotcakes.

These people just seem to be breaking their necks

These rappers got their hands in everything.

These rappers is getting off the hook with it

These... were Nikes.

They all talk fast but they all think slow.

They always have a real, live crackhead

They better be worried about what they say in white films.

They conduct themselves on the network.

They could learn something from you,

They didn't have much respect for the job.

They don't be doing that on white networks.

They don't like that.

They eat up all the chicken,

They gave us a job running the juice bar.

They get a little pinch and go snitch to the poor.

They got clothes, they got vodkas.

They got me, ahh!

They got some of the nastiest street players

They got weed there, I'll steal it,

They got weed there.

They had made hundreds of thousands of dollars

They have that in their blood.

They immediately started cooking the stuff up

They inspire me.

They just goddamn fools with it.

They just nasty people.

They kicked you out for dating a black dude, didn't they?

They might have already turned it off

They offered me my own line of clothing

They only want ****as to have a little bit of fun.

They really enlightened me.

They rest on my arm like an eagle on a perch.

They say, "he is an affirmative action hire... "

They should be, anyhow.

They shoulda had somethin' to say about that.

They think they're the best dancers,

They took James Brown... they gave him back.

They took Michael Jackson.

They took that, they take everything.

They took Tina Turner.

They will take, they won't let us have too much fun.

They won't budge.

They would never ever judge another woman

They would not like that if we made a show

They'll put 'em in your face... but, it's, like,

They'll take your show, they'll fix you, too.

They're angry, real angry!

They're coming for you, Neo,

They're gonna see you.

They're just gross, man.

They're lazy, good for nothing tricksters,

They're not gonna know.

They're not talking about you.

Thinking it's gonna be the next 50 Cents.

This ain't neo soul this is "De La Soul"

This ain't no skit, bitch, help!

This ain't Trading Places, ****a.

This date is over!

This door marked private this is not for show.

This Fall, on the WB!

This gala affair, we, uh, we host this once a year.

This has been a Black Star PSA.

This has been...

This is a beautiful bikini on Bonnie.

This is a brilliant move.

This is a consumer based economy.

This is a knife."

This is a place of business...

This is a real ****a PSA.

This is a robbery!

This is another amazing development

This is corned beef hash.

This is Fisticuffs, 2003, bitch!

This is good, you can let out

This is incredible.

This is Joe Rogan from NBC's Fear Factor.

This is Justin Wilkes,

This is not my real speaking voice.

This is probably the wildest thing

This is real fucking life!

This is ridiculous.

This is the man who should be

This is the remix edition of the song about pissin'.

This is the true story of six motherfuckin' strangers...

This is the very first episode, I finally got my own show.

This is when the heat got turned up.

This is, uh, most definitely a match right here.

This is... this is incredible.

This job sucks, kiss the rings, bitch.

This never would've happened in the world of Star Trek

This next piece is a special report on some bad sex.

This next piece is, uh, from my Masterpiece Theater archives.

This one made me actually wanna spit up.

This one of a kind, 25th anniversary

This one, ******, this is my left, turn it up!

This picture with this not so subtle note attached:

This queer couple says yes.

This reminds me of when I was a girl

This right here is the good shit.

This shit will let you know

This source is sure to shine...

This was on just last night,

This was where Morgan Freeman was the black President.

This wasn't real, this was fake!

This way, come on, y'all!

This will ensure that any customer who uses our restroom

Those who would trade in their freedom for their protection

Those, uh, "Hookers and Johns"?

Though not sold in any major bookstores,

Three types of light without the lime

Through my things...

Thursdays at 8:30.

Time out is sweet!

Time out!

Timely shit from time after time

Tip... Lap a flow flow...

Tired of this happening to you?

Tired Yoda is.

Titty residue...

To "Frontline".

To a good friend of mine, Bibble.

To ask all the questions that made them so curious.

To call "Real Movies,"

To clarify, Jedi knights like young Luke Skywalker

To come and watch me unsheath my sword

To devise the best plan for you and your fam.

To do a one hour special... much like I did on HBO

To do something like that.

To give his date more than just popcorn.

To give the appearance of errant feces.

To give this money right back to us.

To go to work, damn it!

To hate on a diverse array of mark ass marks,

To his master were his trademarks.

To intentionally destroy the black community.

To let me accompany him on his spaceship.

To let them know who ran the projects.

To meet the other roommates.

To my audience here and my audience at home,

To our next product.

To pick his sister up for a date.

To pick his sister up for a date.

To pop wheelies on my bicycle, watch her eyes twinkle

To promote drug awareness.

To really drive the point home to the youth,

To solve the problem and save humanity!

To the "Wexler Home for the Blind",

To the boyfriend: "Drop your pants, big man."

To the edge, back, middle, and front.

To the edge, back, middle, and front.

To the Ninth Annual International

To the people who I've hurt and peed on.

To the streets, to the beats

To the streets, to the beats,

To this news all day.

To whoever wrote that article at People.

Today we're gonna do "Deep Impact".

Todd and Leonard are very different.

Todd Macculloch ended up playing one on one

Todd would usually do the dishes after dinner.

Tonight is actually a very special night.

Tonight's top story...

Took on the New York Knicks,

Took out an ad for it in the paper.

Took ya I I long enough, n n ******.

Totally gay, 100%.

Trick ass marks, punk bitches

Truck driver?

True story.

Try to walk we chop off your feet.

Tryin' to find bigger guns so they can finish the job

Trying to rush his way to pay dirt, Gina Morris

Tune in next week and we'll see you on Chappelle's Show.

Turn 'em up, turn them shits up!

Turn 'em up!

Turn 'em up!

Turn 'em up.

Turn it up, I'm serious!

Turn my headphones up!

Turn my headphones up.

Turn my left headphone up a little more.

Turn on Playstation

Turn on your TV, what you gonna see?

Turn on your TV.

Turn on your TV.

Turn on your TV. Ow.

Turn on your TV. Ow.

Turn that shit up!

Turn the other cheek, inherit the earth

Turn them shits up.

Turn your motherfuckin' stereo up, what?

Two up... not for long.

Tyree made me really uncomfortable,

Tyree, you... you stabbed my dad!

Tyrone go clean up your room.

Tyrone, I was very hurt that you carjacked me that time.

Tyrone, I'm here because I love you.

Tyrone, Tyrone, these are your friends here,

Tyrone, we opened our home to you.

Tyrone, what are you doing?

Tyrone, you know I love you,

Ugh!

Uh huh... wha... no, no.

Uh oh, look out,

Uh oh, tony, you missed a spot.

Uh oh.

Uh, "sub sophomoric and immature."

Uh, Big Al, seriously,

Uh, Chuck, I can't believe my ears,

Uh, Clayton Bigsby, the author?

Uh, Dave Chappelle, I'm here for Ann's birthday party.

Uh, do you wanna take off your pajama bottoms?

Uh, excuse me.

Uh, I actually, my first...

Uh, I'm gonna reinvest my money into the community.

Uh, on the planet

Uh, Ron, uh, I think you have a booger on your hand.

Uh, tonight I wanted to tackle something kind of serious

Uh, What Women Want,

Uh...

Um, can I get cash for this?

Um, it's good to be alone for a minute

Um, the craziest thing I ever did sexually...

Um, this here is cauliflower.

Um, uh, uh...

Um...

Undertakers?

Unfortunately, none of the animals in question

Unfortunately, the Ol' Dirty Bastard couldn't make it today,

Unh, here it come, wait... oh!

Unh, yeah...

Unh!

Unh... hold it.

Unh... oh, dah!

Unh... unh!

Unheard of, at that point, in street fighting.

Unless of course they're lesbians.

Unless you knew me!

Unless you want to talk to the "Popcopy" president

Up that singing white girl's butt either.

Uranium, ya heard?

Usin' these minutes like I value the call

Using his Boy Scout pocket knife,

Ventured out into an unsuspecting world.

Very excited about it,

Very few have ever seen him due to his reclusiveness.

Very inexpensive and affordable.

Very insulting what you said about my coat

Via a letter.

Victory was assured.

Video game references.

Wacka wacka!

Wait 'til you see him hit, wait 'til you see him hit!

Wait 'til you see him hit!

Wait 'til you see him play defense,

Wait a minute, hold up.

Wait a minute, I see something!

Wait a minute, that ain't no truck!

Wait a minute, you got that all wrong.

Wait, Wendy, let me get this straight.

Wall Street is having a big day, as well.

Wanna write that down?

Want me to light your cigarette for you too?

Was all he had to live for.

Was for certain poor shepherds

Was it was just irrelevant and not funny

Was kind of weird.

Was melting the snickers bar for the sketch...

Was not because I don't like their products,

Was putting the finishing touches

Was the ill fated Buddies, on ABC.

Wash it down with some wee wee.

Wasn't Mariah Carey married to a white man?

Wasn't she supposed to be a bridesmaid?

Wassup?

Wasting no time, the Crew commenced

Watch him, watch him!

Watch out for the wolves.

Watch out for your mind, all this is hot.

Watch the look on these kids' faces

Watch the sparks fly today,

Watch this!

Watch your eye.

Watch your step.

Watchin' they ****as be beaten viciously.

WB?

We about to go to war, invest in some nuclear bombs.

We all have our faults, you know.

We all here going all out.

We all know we can sneak into our mama's room

We all pretty much do the same things in life.

We are hanging in here, having some fun.

We are now proud to release this masterpiece on DVD.

We are totally sold out!

We ask that you sign a sheet to verify this gets done

We bangin' chicks with no rubbers.

We can do that in our everyday lives.

We can grab some booty.

We can sell it, and we'll make his bail.

We cloned these three bitches in a laboratory in Seattle

We could just fuck you up.

We don't like your kind around here!

We feel as though you should leave, man... today.

We gets allergic to belts.

We go live.

We go there now.

We got by the MCS with these tools.

We got flavor, we got rhythm.

We had a pile of crack this high.

We have a very special surprise today.

We have jokes and jokes and jokes and jokes.

We have more ladies' bathing suits.

We honor the most prestigious verbal abusers,

We hunted down the dental records

We just don't feel safe with you in the house anymore, Chad.

We just got a call, looks like you're having

We know that!

We like to land and lay the brando way.

We may never know what really happened, but...

We melted it.

We need a new roommate!

We persevere

We play games with each other, too.

We poppin' bottles, stabbin' people, killin' people.

We reserve the right to fuck you up.

We sip only the best Dom P., because I'm smooth like that.

We spoke to a few of them earlier.

We talked about this...

We taped it just for the show.

We think about ourselves

We want to handle this with love, right?

We was on the tour bus playing a basketball game

We were talking about just the entrepreneurship

We wore naturals,

We would like you to check into rehabilitation immediately.

We, um, we seem to have lost the feed.

We'll be back Sunday evening.

We'll be right back with Chappelle's Show.

We'll be right back with more Chappelle's Show.

We'll be right back with more Chappelle's Show.

We'll be right back with more Chappelle's Show.

We'll be right back with more Chappelle's Show.

We'll be right back with more Chappelle's Show.

We'll be right back with more Chappelle's Show.

We'll be right back, everybody, with more Chappelle's Show.

We'll be right back, folks, with more Chappelle's Show.

We'll be right back, with more Chappelle's Show.

We'll cover what time allows.

We'll see about that!

We'll see how that scare people.

We'll see you next week!

We'll sell the weed and make his bail.

We'll take a quick commercial break

We're crack dealers, man!

We're fuckin' done, man!

We're going interracial.

We're going to take a quick commercial break,

We're gonna have us a sex session."

We're gonna sell some crack.

We're gonna take a quick commercial break

We're gonna take a quick commercial break

We're gonna take a quick commercial break,

We're gonna take a quick commercial break,

We're gonna take a quick commercial break,

We're gonna take a quick commercial break,

We're gonna take a quick commercial break, y'all,

We're gonna take a quick commercial break, y'all.

We're gonna take a quick commercial break.

We're gonna take a quick commercial break.

We're gonna take a quick commercial break.

We're gonna take a quick commercial break.

We're gonna take a short break, but when we come back,

We're here to work, not play.

We're here tonight to celebrate the career

We're looking for Clayton Bigsby.

We're off to my mother's.

We're really worried about him, Thurgood.

We're really worried, man.

We're told that in the last few weeks,

We're tryin' to make love over here.

We've been going hard.

We've been objectifying women for centuries.

We've had this for 25 years.

We've known about this for some 2,000 years.

We've reviewed The Civil War,

We've seen over the last few decades:

Wednesdays, 10:30.

Weed? A'ight, yeah.

Welcome back to another episode of Chappelle's Show.

Welcome back to Chappelle's Show

Welcome back to Chappelle's Show.

Welcome back to Chappelle's Show.

Welcome back, gang, welcome back.

Welcome back, guys, how ya been?

Welcome back, man.

Welcome back, ******s, to the WB.

Welcome back.

Welcome back.

Welcome back.

Welcome to Chappelle's Show.

Welcome to the "Popcopy" family, and congratulations.

Welcome to the club, buddy,

Welcome to this thing that we call Chappelle's Show.

Welcome, everybody.

Welcome, welcome to the Chappelle Show, everybody

Well then, confidentially,

Well, baby, that's why I got the new toilet freshener

Well, bring some juice back, ****a!

Well, Chuck, that's because banks hate black people,

Well, first of all,

Well, go on upstairs and wash your ass

Well, guess what?

Well, guess what?

Well, he was the only nigra we'd ever had around here,

Well, help has arrived.

Well, here you are, mop top, home sweet home, the 'hood.

Well, how the fuck do you expect me to rhyme

Well, I have a question for that ****a.

Well, I have obtained a copy of their training video.

Well, I have somebody I'd like you to meet.

Well, I wanna promote conversation and dialogue,

Well, I'd drink from those "C" cups any day.

Well, I'll tell you, use your magic markers.

Well, I'm a comedian, I travel a lot,

Well, if you come up under incredible odds,

Well, if you love me so much, Harold,

Well, it's been a wild and crazy month

Well, it's not what's gotten into him

Well, just so you know,

Well, kids, a doctor's job is hard,

Well, let's see what would happen in the real version

Well, let's take a look at what it'd look like.

Well, like the Good Book says:

Well, look no further, fella, you found him.

Well, looky here, Chad,

Well, nowadays, we know so much about NBA players,

Well, one thing's for damn sure,

Well, she's never coming back.

Well, sir...

Well, son, your huge heart,

Well, that's when a friend of mine recommended "O'Dweeds".

Well, the motherfucker works, like,

Well, then you have my next guests.

Well, then, my girlfriend Gina, she called me up,

Well, these checks aren't just affecting things on Beat Street.

Well, they look better on you than they ever did on him.

Well, this is how I feel...

Well, this is it, this is the first episode.

Well, today the first checks were sent out.

Well, we already got Paul Mooney.

Well, welcome, it's good to have you here.

Well, well, well!

Well, what's that in his pants?

Well, where are your teeth, ****a?

Well, your ad says $300.

Wendy Mullin is standing by live in Queens with more.

Wendy?

Were the accusations lobbed at Flipper.

Whassup?

What are you doing?

What are you doing?!

What are you going to do with all this money?

What are you gonna name him?

What are you talking about, man?

What are you talking about?!

What did you think? Black people was, like,

What do you mean, are you...?

What do you say about a little lap dance

What do you say? Oh, man!

What do you want?

What drug awareness week is.

What ever happened to that recount in Florida

What exactly is your problem?

What happened to him?

What happened to my boobs?

What happens when you take two of Brooklyn's finest MCs

What I say?

What if I told you Dave Chappelle is here?

What if I were to tell you

What is going on in here?

What is it, soldier?

What is the rainbow about?!

What is this, jail, motherfucker?

What is wrong with you people?!

What is your personal feelings on reparations?

What kind of policy is this?

What kinda psychic...

What Men Want, 'cause it'd be too gross and disgusting.

What the (bleep) is wrong with you?

What the fuck are you doing?!

What the fuck is a parsnip?

What the hell is this?

What the hell you listening to?

What the hell you mean, "you people?!"

What the hell?

What these buttons do?

What time is it?

What to do with his life.

What up, Carson Daly?

What up, playboy?

What white power's all about.

What would you do if you seen that lady?

What would you say

What y'all clapping for?!

What y'all tell him, huh?

What y'all tell him?

What you calling "classic civil rights footage,"

What you cookin' for dinner, mister?

What you doin', girl?

What you goin' be doin' with a white family?

What you gonna see?

What you gonna see?

What you gonna see?

What you got?

What you talking about, Rhonda?

What you think this is some kind of crayon?

What you waitin' for, man? Get your fat ass out of here

What, I can't make fun of that fucking frog?

What, you don't think I can write them books?

What, you gonna hit me or something?

What!

What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What? Nothing.

What? Oh, I'm sorry...

What? Who are you?

What?!

What?!

What?!

What'd I say, you weren't gonna score no more.

What's beef?

What's beef?

What's gotten into him?

What's happenin'?

What's the forecast for the tri state area?

What's the square root of this apartment?

What's up, baby?

What's up, Dave?

What's up, guys?

What's up, ladies? My name is Damon Dash,

What's up, maestro?

What's up, man? Hey, hey.

What's up?

What's with all the stretching?

What's wrong, sweetie?

What's your name, big man?

Whatever you feel in here, Leonard.

Whatever.

Whee!

When a gay guy is performing oral sex,

When a soldier ends his life with his own gun,

When are you gonna come and claim these kids?

When Daniel Day Lewis saw your performance

When Dave tells them their parents are dead.

When guys are really scrambling to get some booty?

When hip hop came out.

When I dropped out of school for that year,

When I first entered the house, um, you know...

When I say this is my show, this is my show.

When I tell you, go to the end of the hall.

When I'm not doing this show I play a lot of video games.

When I'm pushed,

When my dad came by, I was a little bit concerned.

When opportunity and quick thinking meet,

When she's sleeping,

When the 19th Street Gangsters sustained a massive loss

When the baby was born,

When the bartender took away her keys...

When the liquor over, we smokin' the... hey, now.

When the meteor hits next Tuesday.

When their speech runs on too long.

When they had the drug scene and they said,

When they see a black person

When we asked, "why, after 19 years of marriage?"

When we come back...

When y'all girls in New York be, like,

When you get a whiff of my Hershey stains.

When you know any real robber would've shot the little dude

When you played the Duke of Yorkville

When you're that young and horny

Whenever you want them to.

Where and how to buy the stuff.

Where he could read women's minds?

Where Julia Roberts plays a prostitute

Where Mr. Bigsby spent the first 19 years of his life.

Where scores of African Americans have been

Where the Cardinal Projects once stood.

Where we put one white guy around six

Where would I start?

Where you find that even the afterlife

Where you from? when you leavin'?

Where you show the real version of what would happen in some

Where's my snares?

Where's my snares? One, two, one, two.

Where's Sheila?

Where's the money, Tyrone?

Which I doubt,

Which I hated, I hated that movie

Which I was surprised about.

Which is just enough time to suck a titty.

Which is not an easy thing to do, but I've got it.

Which is pretty deep.

Which looks a lot like my big fat ass.

Which took place at... a Kool Moe Dee concert.

While chicken shot to $600 a bucket.

While I'm masturbating.

While some others play God,

While we sit back waitin' to evolve.

While we're on the subject,

White films go all over the world.

White girl ain't that crazy.

White man will steal my seat

White people talk amongst each other...

White people, run for cover, we'll be right back.

White power!

White power!

White power!

White power!

White power!

White power.

Who committed these kind of crimes deserve to die?

Who else they take?

Who first made these allegations.

Who get booty under tremendous circumstances.

Who have played the physically challenged.

Who I am is not important,

Who is it this time, you ask?

Who made us proud to be white,

Who ordered pizza?

Who regaled Cornrow with stories

Who said that, you wanna see my face?

Who stole the silver? (barking)

Who that, the police?

Who the fuck is Renee "Zellwedger"?

Who vote and kill their president

Who you calling?

Who's coming for me?

Who's Tyrone, huh?

Whoa, I think this Ecstasy's starting to kick in.

Whoa!

Whoa!

Whoa...

Whoa...

Whoever sells it is gonna be rich!

Whoo hoo

Whoo hoo

Whoo hoo hoo.

Whoo hoo hoo.

Whoo hoo hoo.

Whoo hoo hoo.

Whoo hoo hoo.

Whoo hoo hoo.

Whoo hoo hoo.

Whoo hoo.

Whoo hoo.

Whoo hoo.

Whoo hoo.

Whoo hoo.

Whoo, oh, snap! What's up, dog?

Whoo!

Whoo!

Whoo!

Whoop his ass, whoop his ass!

Whoop his ass!

Why are you calling me up, trying to confuse me?

Why aren't there any banks in the ghetto?

Why did you do this to us?

Why don't I break into the lab where I'm working?

Why don't we take a look at my tri state area map,

Why don't you bring your media cameras over there

Why don't you click your heels together three times

Why don't you take 'em off?

Why don't you vacuum that coat, man?

Why in the movies is the black guy the first guy killed?

Why is he being so dismissive?

Why not tell him he's African American?

Why so many of them shave their heads.

Why would he say that?

Why would he?

Why would I say that I would make out with Matt Damon?

Why you drop the beat out, man?

Why you gotta be lookin' at me, white man?!

Why you gotta look at me like that?!

Why you wanna work so hard, huh?!

Why your ass got to put the raw bar of soap

Why, God, why?!

Why, Nixon, why?!

Why, one time, I seen Martinez...

Why, what's wrong with it?

Why?

Why'd you get me fired from the post office, huh?

Wide nose breathin' all the white man's air.

Will never, ever return to one of our stores.

Will you accept the charges?

Will you little fuckers shut up?!

Will you take me home?

Wilt Chamberlain.

Wish to thank Danny Corey.

Wishing that you won't stop...

With "The Wrap It Up Box,"

With "The Wrap It Up Box," things will come to an end

With a butter knife for Fisticuff.

With a comedy sketch.

With a magic bullet.

With Frank Dobson and Chuck Taylor.

With more "Mad Real World," biatch!

With more Chappelle's Show, I promise.

With more Chappelle's Show.

With more Chappelle's Show.

With more of this Chappelle's Show.

With multiple partners, either.

With my Mac, I mean, the video resolution is so clear,

With none other than comedian, Paul Mooney.

With one of the most auspicious debuts

With Roca pads.

With salt and pepper.

With shots up the gut.

With the defense momentarily sidelined,

With the defense returning and time running out,

With the Home Stenographer,

With their Kung Fu

With their taste for expensive clothes,

With time running out,

With time running out,

With Travis Knight.

With your broke ass!

With your host, Ralph Henderson.

With your stinkin' ass?!

Without a rubber.

Without any of the guilt.

Without National Geographic's "Third World Girls Gone Wild."

Without, uh, making fun of myself, so...

Women, the fairer sex,

Won't you braid my hair,

Woo hoo hoo.

Woo hoo hoo.

Woo hoo hoo.

Woo hoo hoo.

Woo hoo hoo.

Woo hoo.

Woo hoo.

Woo hoo.

Woo hoo.

Woo hoo.

Woo!

Woo!

Woogie boogie, ******!

Woogie boogie!

Word?

Word?

Word?

World War II and The Gulf War.

World's going to end in about 10 seconds...

Would they?

Would you like some more pickles?

Would you like to call me daddy, hmm?

Would you like to know who killed Kennedy?

Would you like to take a bath with my daughters?

Would you run?

Wouldn't let that scandal stop him

Wow, I didn't even know we were buddies.

Wquee ba boo dee ba boo squee

Wrap it up, "b"!

Wrap it up! (moaning)

Wrap it up.

Wrap that shit up, "b"!

Written by Dave Chappelle.

Wrong bag, man.

Wu Tang Clan ain't nothin' to fuck with.

Wu Tang Clan ain't nothin' to fuck with.

Wu Tang Clan ain't nothin' to fuck with.

Wu Tang Clan ain't nothin' to fuck with.

Wu Tang Clan ain't nothin' to fuck with.

Wu Tang Clan ain't nothin' to fuck with.

Wu Tang Clan ain't nothin' to fuck with.

Wu Tang Clan ain't nothin' to fuck with.

Wu Tang Clan ain't nothing to mess with.

Wu Tang Financial, a place for you and your kids.

Y'all act like crack is so bad!

Y'all be good.

Y'all been zapped!

Y'all crazy, man.

Y'all ready to hear how I feel about Bush?

Y'all ready to hear how I feel about the war?

Y'all ready to see some sketches, some skits?

Y'all ready, some sketch comedy,

Y'all ready?

Y'all ready? Here we go.

Y'all tell anybody, I'll kill ya!

Y'all tell anybody, I'll kill you!

Y'all wanna smoke some weed?

Y'know what I mean?

Y'know, a lot of people ask, "why?"

Y'know, this first piece, actually

Y'know, uh, my wife's little cousin, Andrew,

Ya gotta believe me, yeah.

Yah!

Yeah yeah.

Yeah, all set?

Yeah, and these people would like to talk to you

Yeah, and your old boyfriend is black, ain't he?

Yeah, being on this show taught me that,

Yeah, black people can jump high.

Yeah, damn right, good for him.

Yeah, gimme one of them...

Yeah, her bosooms are, like, bouncin' around and everything

Yeah, holla at your boy.

Yeah, I was trying to buy a Gremlin?

Yeah, it was a tragedy!

Yeah, it's going down, you know how I get down.

Yeah, man, America wanna see us live, not work.

Yeah, man, go ahead.

Yeah, Mos Def.

Yeah, my daughter's gonna love this.

Yeah, right?

Yeah, that'd be it, that'd be it.

Yeah, the mic's on... but, hey, hold on there...

Yeah, thing there... did I get that right?

Yeah, we gonna send that back to the joint

Yeah, we, uh, we are the white guys.

Yeah, well, um... we'll see.

Yeah, what's it called?

Yeah, why we black people like to smoke so much weed?

Yeah, yeah

Yeah, yeah, are you all right?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yes.

Yeah, you know what I'm sayin'?

Yeah!

Yeah! Hell, yeah, B.!

Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. Who killed Kennedy?

Yeah...

Yeah...

Yeah... it's the R.

Yeah... oh, and by the way,

Yeah... that's how it goes at an T. Kelly party

Yeah...!

Yee!

Yes, "C", "C" cups.

Yes, and tonight,

Yes, I believe you did, sir.

Yes, I didn't know that, man

Yes, I do.

Yes, I do. Yes, I do.

Yes, I will.

Yes, I would like that very much.

Yes, I've been looking for you, Neo.

Yes, sir, but...

Yes, surprise!

Yes, they deserve to die, and I hope they burn in hell!

Yes, Tyrone.

Yes, welcome back.

Yes, yes, I am horny, that's sexy TV...

Yes, yes, we will!

Yes!

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yo, beef is not what Jay said to Nas.

Yo, Chappelle!

Yo, could you hold it down?

Yo, Fisticuff, if you need some new artistes, we down.

Yo, fresh dressed like a million bucks.

Yo, fuck Kenny, B

Yo, he's in jail, yo.

Yo, he's in jail, yo.

Yo, I was sold to a sick European by a rich African.

Yo, it's been instilled in me since in fin ite, y'all

Yo, Kenny didn't come home last night, B.

Yo, let's be crackheads, yo.

Yo, stay on your knees for these club rats

Yo, the sign is real simple, "b",

Yo, this Talib Kweli, BK MC.

Yo, Thurgood. Aah!

Yo, wake up, man.

Yo, what is your problem, man?!

Yo, what's up, son...

Yo, why don't we sell crack, yo?

Yo, with every ounce of friendship

Yo, wrap it up, "b"!

Yo, yo, you ain't seen nothing.

Yo, you a funny dude, man, you funny.

Yoda that was not.

Yoda, isn't it true you knew of these abuses in 1977?

Yoda, then how do explain the recently uncovered tape

You ain't scorin' no more, though

You ain't seen nothin', yo!

You all know this is not my first show?

You all right, man?

You amaze me, man!

You are so gay now!

You are the lucky crowd that gets to see it.

You are the manager?

You bet your ass I am.

You better check your tone, girl,

You better get out of here 'fore something bad happens.

You better put your hood on, Clayton,

You black, ain't you?

You came in the house with six wild ****as,

You can beat cancer but if you wanna beat it,

You can find,

You can have your very own permanent record keeper,

You can't afford not to have your future read

You can't deny me, Billy!

You can't deny me, it's too real for you!

You can't have this, but if you want...

You can't just give black people all this money

You can't prove that!

You couldn't do the opposite of that movie,

You dick.

You didn't get your invitation for that party?

You didn't think a fat (bleep) like me

You do your homework?

You don't want to alienate yourself or, maybe,

You done, that's it.

You drained my monster's balls.

You drained my monster's balls.

You drink piss.

You drive a pickup truck, don't you, Miguel?

You ended up dumb, famous, and gone.

You ever seen those?

You feeling fresh now?

You from south of the border?

You get some rest, ta ta.

You getting out of jail!

You give me Pac Man fever.

You go white, you go running back to black.

You going right back in the jail

You gonna bring Halle? 'Cause that's a fine bitch.

You got more Chappelle's Show after these messages.

You got nothing to lose.

You got those awful stains out.

You got to room with Tyree.

You gotta be tough, okay?

You gotta get outta my car.

You gotta jump,

You gotta know how to jack this shit.

You gotta play this game rough.

You gotta see that again in slow motion.

You gotta tell the legend

You graduated from grade school,

You guys are so nice.

You guys are the greatest.

You guys can't see at home...

You guys ready?

You have a problem, huh?

You have been zapped!

You have fabulous genetics.

You have great New York boobs.

You have great New York boobs.

You have great New York boobs.

You hear me... the world rests on them chesticles!

You heard, what?

You heard?

You heard?!

You heard?!

You just never can say what you wanna say, man.

You know how your favorite movie is Half Baked?

You know Spelman's in Atlanta, too.

You know that usually happens in the back of the truck.

You know the worst part about that?

You know they ain't gonna let a ****a have nothing.

You know what dog food tastes like?

You know what I like about ladies the most,

You know what I mean?

You know what I mean?

You know what I'm sayin', and tuck him in.

You know what I'm saying?

You know what I'm talkin' about.

You know what you need?

You know what?

You know you can buy land with money, don't you?

You know, a lot of these movies

You know, and, uh... it wasn't appropriate.

You know, folks,

You know, folks, in an earlier episode,

You know, folks, uh, it's Oscar season,

You know, folks...

You know, I got some pizzas at the crib.

You know, I gotta tell y'all,

You know, I'll admit it,

You know, I'm glad to see that..

You know, I'm glad y'all came.

You know, I'm serious.

You know, it's like, you like a born hater

You know, like myself, a lot of cats think they hatin'.

You know, masturbating to you and those giant cans of yours

You know, one of them hidden camera shows,

You know, the mad dash at the end of the night

You know, uh, in the quest to get paid

You know, way back on the second episode,

You know, we better check in with Chuck Taylor

You know, we can't have this conversation every day.

You know, we've been getting a little flack in the press

You know... yeah, I'm looking right at you.

You let your addiction

You like to watch? You wanna watch?

You listen, world,

You look like Bill Cosby on crack!

You look like you just walked up from ground zero.

You made America proud, you're a damn hero, son.

You may never return to this store again.

You men are the worst.

You might as well just shoot yourself in the stomach

You might be asking.

You might look like your mom, maybe."

You might think it was the Japanese who are responsible,

You might've seen it coming like I did.

You mind if I sing a little bit over that?

You mind if I, uh?

You must be an angel or something.

You must be Leonard.

You must be little T Mart.

You must buy it as is and once you purchase it,

You need something, why not call on your man?

You need to diversify your bonds, ****a.

You need to get with it, act like you want it.

You need to wrap it up!

You not gonna hear the intricacies of the beat

You old, pasty bastard.

You pick them little sticks up, white boy,

You probably didn't know, and that is this:

You put him around six of the craziest white people

You ready for the truth, America?

You ready to get some of this lovin'?

You ready to rock it?

You ready to see how we do on the streets?

You ready to step into the jungle?

You report to heaven at 0 800 hours,

You see commercials you don't see in the daytime

You see, because I keep saying...

You see, the whole system actually went down.

You see?

You should've seen the girl

You should've thought about that

You sit down when you pee, you understand?

You smoke sherm... a little sherman?

You sorry?

You stepped on my sneaker, man!

You think it's a fuckin' game?

You think it's my first time?

You took Paul?

You took what many considered the role of a lifetime

You try not to raise 'em around these wild ****as.

You understand what I'm saying, right?

You understand?

You wanna send your little ones to the best schools,

You wanna... you wanna room?

You want the land, not the money?

You want to tell him how his drug abuse has hurt you,

You were afraid I was gonna end up looking like my mother.

You would buckle under the goddamn pressure.

You would still not let me win at it

You wouldn't wanna hear a young black dude

You, the ghost, ******, I see you.

You, you.

You!

You.

You'd better wrap it up!

You'd better wrap that gavel up, "b"!

You'll be fine, let's go.

You'll never feel quite the same

You'll turn any room into a courtroom.

You're done, wrap it up!

You're forcing people,

You're freaky, man.

You're goddamn right I said it.

You're going on time out.

You're gonna have to show a little more effort around here.

You're gonna love it

You're great.

You're in big trouble, mister.

You're not going to believe some of the commercials

You're right, Jessica, I do!

You're right, that's much lighter.

You're right.

You're so much older than I am.

You're so young, Jackson.

You're the champ.

You're the manager?!

You're under arrest.

You're under arrest.

You're walking out, you are free as a bird!

You're welcome, teacher bitch!

You've been zapped!

You've done over 74 films.

You've got 20 seconds to fill this bag with cash.

You've got that same power, right in your pocket.

You've gotta get the fuck outta here.

You've never left this property,

You've taught me a valuable lesson today.

You've wasted eight years of my life!

You've written four books now?

Young Ashley didn't even own a scarf,

Young man, you've been found guilty by a jury of your peers.

Young woman: "All right you little brats,

Young woman: "Well, you can watch if you want,

Your brother who smoked crills

Your grind and my grind ain't the same dog.

Your husband's clothes fit funny, girl.

Your job is done, ****a, get out!

Your name is Toby!

Your people shouting out your name in their song.

Your response should sound something like this.

Zapped!

Zapped!

Zondra, I apologize.

Zondra, I've been stabbed...

2.50 each additional minute.

5:00, but he's always late.

8 Mile.

12 of them? Good boy, Rin.

18, but who's countin'?

19?!

23 year old Martin Johnson had but one thing on his mind:

40 ounces of malt liquor

60 bucks!

100.

136, Tyrone.

...'Cause I don't like how you looked at me.

...flow with the feeling it's so appealing...

...keep on doin' what you doin'.

...Other thugs you've been with

...strictly game, I never miss the pain.

...that's a Great Moment In Hook Up History.

...to answer these questions for 'em.

'Cause after we was done shooting, I cleaned up the set.

'Cause fuck 'em, that's why.

'Cause I dozed Tracey broke me

'cause I felt like him, you ever do that?

'cause I hated him, and I hated everybody

'Cause I remember the Godfather,

'cause I'm a shoo in...

'cause I'm thinking we're actually gonna have

'Cause if I gotta make a move dog,

'cause it was a reality show.

'cause it's Fri day night!

'Cause it's not like women were objectified

'Cause only Bibble can keep it so real.

'cause that, that was a killer.

'cause the fleet commanders would not have allowed...

'Cause the whole time she was dancin',

'cause they didn't have the money that I wanted.

'cause they in a pine box or locked behind bars.

'cause we got jokes and jokes and jokes.

'cause we got some business we got to take care of,

'cause we'll be here when you get back, chilling.

'cause we'll be right back.

'cause when Dave Chappelle's around, you might get zapped!

'cause white folks'll come in and take me."

'cause you never know who might be likin' 'em.

'cause you're constantly asking me for favors

'Cause your friends are bitches!

'Cause, if I said everything I thought

'Cause, yeah, that's what real hatin' is all about, man.

'Scuse me, pardon me, miss.

'twas there another maiden in our bed?

"A", made them angry, and, "B", you talk...

"All the best, Cornrollup.

"Antwone Fisher".

"Ay, dog, ay,"

"Because she's a ****** lover."

"By whom," you ask?

"Champion Dave Chappelle receives 31/4 stars"

"Cigarette smoking can result in feelings of euphoria,

"Cunnilingus" Rice sounds like a Mexican dish,

"Cunnilingus" Rice.

"D" cups, perhaps?

"Dave, how are you gonna follow that?"

"Dear Frontline, this is Mr. Ed."

"don't talk about 'em, just... "

"Everybody wanna be a ******, but no one wanna be a ******."

"Forced."

"Fruity pants", let me tell you something.

"give me your money, Crocodile Dundee."

"go to sleep, my boyfriend's here,

"Great Moments In Hook Up History."

"hey, that ****a's homeless".

"I guess, if it came down to it, I would bang Ben Affleck."

"I Smell ******" and "****** Book"

"I Wanna Piss On You" remix.

"I'm... I'm bleeding!"

"If it's any consolation, his best friend was

"If your period is droppin'...

"look for the force."

"Man, that's played out."

"Man, why you got a car? I only got one car.

"man, you got some great boobs."

"no problem, boss, I'd love to!"

"Once you go black, you don't come back"?

"or I'm tellin' your wife

"Popcopy"

"Popcopy" employee training film

"Senator Tom Daschle" or "Tom Brokaw".

"That's white power,

"The Wrap It Up Box," in stores now!

"the wrap it up box!"

"was taken advantage of by the Klan.

"We deeply regret the way Mr. Ed

"well, then this is a gun

"well, we don't do that, sell it to the ******s."

"White power my... pssht.

"Why treat the customer this way?"

"Why you got three cars or a wife or all that?

"with... ba king powder and sell it.

"Y'all ******s need to cook up cocaine

("America the Beautiful" playing)

("America the beautiful" playing)

(accented) I ask you, why you walk like this, huh?

(all arguing)

(all cooing)

(all laughing)

(all the children) Marijuana.

(all) Hoboken!

(all) Robble, robble!

(angrily) "Hooray for me

(announcer) And now a News Center 3 special report with Chuck Taylor.

(announcer) And now a Newscenter 3 special report

(announcer) And now more "Reparations 2003" with Chuck Taylor.

(announcer) Available in all Walbogs!

(announcer) Coming this fall, on the WB:

(announcer) Dave Chappelle!

(announcer) Dave Chappelle!

(announcer) Dave Chappelle!

(announcer) Dave Chappelle!

(announcer) Dave Chappelle!

(announcer) Dave Chappelle!

(announcer) Dave Chappelle!

(announcer) Dave Chappelle...!

(announcer) Dave Chappelle...!

(announcer) For years, we've all watched celebrities accepting awards

(announcer) Give it up right now, for my man, Dave Chappelle!

(announcer) Ladies and gentlemen,

(announcer) Ladies and gentlemen,

(announcer) Once in a great while,

(announcer) Redman Potty Fresh,

(announcer) The most precious thing in the world

(announcer) You've seen them at Mardi Gras and on Spring Break.

(applauding)

(applauding)

(applauding)

(applauding)

(applauding)

(applauding)

(applauding)

(applause and cheers)

(applause continues)

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(applause)

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(applause)

(audience chanting) Hate, hate, hate, hate..

(audience laughing)

(audience laughing)

(audience laughing)

(audience laughing)

(audience laughing)

(audience) Hate, hate, hate, hate, hate!

(audience) Oh!

(audience) Who's there?

(audience) Whoa!

(audience) Whoo!

(audience) Yeah

(audio in slow speed) Aah... aah... aah!

(Australian accent) "Oh, that's not a knife.

(banging)

(barking)

(beating drums)

(bells ringing)

(booing)

(booing)

(booing)

(booing)

(booing)

(boos and applause)

(both laughing)

(both) Squee ba boo dee ba boo dee.

(boy) I would put a hurtin' on that bitch.

(breathing heavily)

(British accent) My lady, my lady, don't run from me.

(Broom) Squee ah ee ah ee.

(buzzer)

(buzzing)

(cameraman) Sophia, what's the craziest thing you ever did sexually?

(cameraman) What about you, sir?

(car honks)

(Chad) Hey, guys, I'd like to introduce you all to my dad.

(Chad) Hey, guys, what's going on out there?

(Chad) I know we're still young,

(chanting) Gutterballs, gutterballs...

(Chappelle) Ahh...

(Chappelle) I'm rich, biatch!

(Chappelle) I'm rich, biatch!

(Chappelle) I'm rich, biatch!

(Chappelle) Please, don't run, they're busy.

(Chappelle) Short foot...

(chatter and music)

(cheering & hollering)

(cheering & hollering)

(cheering & hollering)

(cheering & hollering)

(cheering and applauding)

(cheering and applauding)

(cheering and applause)

(cheering and applause)

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(cheering and applause)

(cheering and hollering)

(cheering continues)

(cheering)

(cheering)

(cheering)

(cheering)

(cheering)

(cheering)

(cheering)

(cheering)

(cheering)

(cheers & applause)

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(cheers and applause)

(cheers and applause)

(cheers and applause)

(children crying)

(chuckles)

(chuckles)

(clucking, cooing)

(clucking, cooing)

(coughing)

(coughing)

(coughing)

(coughing) Excuse me.

(crashing)

(crashing)

(crew laughing)

(crowd yelling)

(crowd yelling)

(crowd yelling)

(crowd) Oh...!

(dash) So, if your bum is leakin', you need to be seekin'...

(Dave Chappelle) Lick your fingers.

(Dave) It's easy, try it.

(deep and throaty) Actually, Chuck, this my real speaking voice.

(dial tone)

(dinging)

(dolphin squeaking)

(electricity buzzing)

(electronic voice) Aye, aye.

(elevator bell rings)

(elevator bell rings)

(elevator bell rings)

(explosion, Snake laughs)

(fart)

(fart)

(fart)

(fart)

(farting)

(farting)

(farting)

(female announcer) This is the official 2002

(flushing)

(funkier music playing)

(funky music plays)

(gasping)

(glass shattering)

(gobbling)

(groaning)

(grunting)

(grunting)

(gunshot)

(gunshots)

(gunshots)

(gurgling)

(harp playing)

(heavy Korean accent)

(hip hop music)

(hip hop music)

(hip hop music)

(hip hop music)

(hollering)

(hollering)

(hollering)

(hollering)

(hollering)

(honks horn)

(horn honking)

(horn honking)

(horn honking)

(horn honking)

(horn honks)

(horn honks)

(horn honks)

(horn honks)

(horn honks)

(host) How could this have happened?

(host) The Asian community was a target as well.

(host) Welcome to "The World's Greatest Wars".

(imitating nasally) "He's an affirmative action hire."

(Jamaican accent) Call me now for a bumble cluck reading!

(Jamaican accent) I know what you're thinking,

(Jamaican accent) The cards don't lie!

(James "Skank" Scanton) Notice that he bought the large tub of corn,

(jingle)

(jingling)

(Kent Wallace) For years, "Rin Tin Tin" was adored by

(Kitt) Puerto Ricans are lazy, Michael.

(laughing)

(laughing)

(laughing)

(laughing)

(laughing)

(laughing)

(laughing)

(laughing)

(laughing)

(laughing)

(laughing)

(laughing)

(laughing)

(laughing)

(laughing)

(laughing)

(laughing)

(laughing)

(laughing)

(laughing)

(laughing) No!

(laughing) we catch it."

(laughs loudly)

(laughs)

(laughs)

(laughs)

(laughter and applause)

(laughter and applause)

(laughter and applause)

(laughter)

(laughter)

(laughter)

(laughter)

(laughter)

(light applause)

(loud chatter continues)

(loud cheers & applause)

(loud rumbling)

(Lysol) What's up?

(machine gun firing)

(man reading slowly) "Yo.

(man with foreign accent) Hello, is this Dave Chappelle?

(man) "O'Dweeds",

(man) 30% more.

(man) And Richard Pryor.

(man) Chappelle's Show, Oww!

(man) Chappelle's Show. Ow.

(man) Daddy's going away for a little while, all right?

(man) Dave Chappelle...!

(man) Funding for "Frontline" provided by

(man) Go get the biggest album of the year, baby!

(man) Hello, Neo, do you know who this is?

(man) Hey, Dave, it's Eddie Murphy.

(man) If you don't know about Fisticuffs by now,

(man) Including all Walbogs!

(man) Jackson!

(man) Last time, all right? Last time, now.

(man) Look at that lady.

(man) Look like a bootleg Ice T.!

(man) Move on, move on.

(man) Now to present the award

(man) Oh my God!

(man) Oh my God!

(man) Sir, let me help you.

(man) What, you lost, boy?

(man) What?!

(man) What's wrong?

(man) Without further ado, the man,

(man) Yeah, Armadale.

(man) Yeah!

(man) Yo, Dave,

(man) Yo, this ****a is off the hook!

(man) You know what's happened?

(melodramatic music playing)

(Mike) Don't you want me, son?

(mimicking) Why you act like a doo det det det...

(moaning)

(moaning)

(mocking) Aah! Aah!

(monitor flatlining)

(mouthing rhythm)

(mumbling)

(music playing)

(music stops)

(muttering)

(narrator) 1983, historic Applecrumby's,

(narrator) 25 years ago,

(narrator) At the Areola 54 Bar and Grill,

(narrator) Danny Corey would go down as a hook up legend,

(narrator) The year was 1955,

(narrator) This week, Tyrone gets invited to an intervention.

(narrator) This week, Tyrone visits a local middle school

(nasal) Happy Reparations Day, Happy Juneteenth.

(party music)

(phone ringing)

(pounding gavel)

(pounding gavel)

(rap music booming)

(Redman) Hey, Redman Toilet Freshener, I'll get the brown out.

(Redman) Hey, Redman Toilet Freshener, I'll get the brown out.

(reporters shouting)

(ringing alarm)

(roar)

(roaring)

(rob) He sold our house and kept the money.

(romantic piano music playing)

(screaming, explosion)

(screaming)

(screaming)

(Sheila) Hey, look, it's Paul.

(Sheila) Hey, that's me.

(shooting)

(shouting)

(shouting)

(siren blaring)

(sirens wailing)

(sniffing)

(sniffing)

(snorting)

(sobbing)

(sobbing) Oh, Katie...

(speaking in Arabic)

(speaking Korean)

(squish, Godzilla roars)

(steady beeping on monitor)

(stomping up stairs)

(tapping)

(tapping)

(Tarzan yell)

(techno music)

(theme from "8 Mile" playing)

(therapist) How do you feel about all this, Leonard?

(thinking) Man, of all the flights to be on,

(thinking) Me no trust em white man.

(thinking) What are those n****es doing in first class?

(tires screeching)

(tires screeching)

(tires squealing)

(train whistle)

(Tron) All right, all right.

(Tron) And, now, more "Mad Real World".

(Tron) Chappelle's Show. will be right back

(Tyree) Do your thing there, doggy, yeah!

(Tyree) My name is Tyree, and, yeah,

(Tyree) Say, ****a, get your ass up

(Tyree) We gonna take Chad upstairs,

(Tyrone) I studied my ass off for that real estate test.

(whispering) He's right here.

(whistling)

(white man) And one and two, and one and two.

(woman screaming)

(woman's voice) My boyfriend says my butt's too big.

(woman) Bartender, I would like another drink.

(woman) Collect call from a correctional facility,

(woman) Dave Chappelle's Educated Guess Line.

(woman) Ooh, yeah.

(woman) What? What? What? What?

(wretching & spitting)

(Zondra) The reason why we called this house meeting is because

$450,000!