Workaholics - Season 1 Edit

A pretty sweet used motorcycle.

A psychopathic family.

A really Victorian attitude towards sex.

Aah! My back! Hey! No, come on.

Aah! Oh!

About that bieberhole guy.

About to smash my solo,

Actually thinks you're really attractive.

Actually, I've never had the opportunity yet.

Adam looks like a baby man up there.

Adam, come on, man. One fedora per crew.

Adam, what do you say?

Adam, you idiot, you dumb idiot.

Adam, you keep doing what you're doing, bud.

Aggh.

Ah, make room. Going to a store.

Ah!

Ahh.

Ahh.

AKA Magic Town.

Alice.

All right, and we are gonna just assume

All right, crossing the line. Going shopping.

All right, guys, I know there's a lot of really fun stuff here,

All right, I'm gonna get the Collisions,

All right, ready? This is the deal.

All right?

All right. Thank you, Barry.

All right. Here's the plan.

All these pretty chicks running around,

All you guys do is stand out here,

All your employees calling people

Also let's hear it for TelAmeriCorp's

Also she makes soup.

Amateur Bodybuilders Competition.

An artist. Give me the tape.

And a bieberhole69 asked me to,

And a personal hero of mine, a mentor.

And a three and a two and a...

And Adam actually ended up

And all three of them have really bad coke problems.

And be such a creep at the same time?

And become heroes to Bieberites everywhere.

And beg for your job back.

And body and neck area.

And do it up in the office.

And gently masturbate myself to sleep, okay?

And get in here, flex that sales muscle for you.

And get out of here, please?

And go to Club Damnation, huh?

And go to the liquor store?

And he came home with a keg full of eggnog.

And he is just a man hunk.

And he looks just like your friend from the other day.

And he's pissing off our roof right now.

And her and my dad have sex on the regular.

And I can't do it.

And I can't reach him.

And I could've swore their thing was punk rock.

And I got some Kahlua Mudslide Mix,

And I have to tell the investors tomorrow,

And I like it. It's great.

And I want you to leave our wizard crew.

And I was like kah kah kah kah kah!

And I'd like to go home, drink a box of wine,

And I'm like...

And I'm like...

And I'm not about to whore out my rap skillz,

And I'm pretty sure it ends with all the kids

And I'm seeing some booty sweat.

And I've got a sense of humor," that's for sure.

And if you could bring the troops home,

And if you don't get in that car,

And if you touch her,

And in the 75 hours that I've known Sharon,

And just do a lot of magic this way.

And just scream loud so, like, people think

And just started fucking little dudes every day.

And just take the heart and suck on a cockle.

And let's put something to attract guys, like...

And looking for an adult relationship

And meet back here in half an hour, let's say?

And much like buttholes, families are meant to be tight.

And my balls are dyed purple this time,

And my friend Karl and his **** van, so...

And our friend over there

And pick up chicks in that thing.

And powder your balls.

And saying, "Strikes are awesome!"

And see what Ders is up to, right?

And she asked you to kill her,

And some magic here.

And sometimes when you're a big dog,

And talk to the investors and tell them

And that guy smells like Boston Market.

And that's it for me. I'll retire after that happens.

And that's more important to me

And the last time I saw him,

And the wizard beats, he says they make him stronger,

And the wolves will get you.

And then park them inside your buttholes.

And then they just took him to prison.

And then you can see how them big dicks swang.

And this is my wrench.

And throw all the Vapetron up in the air.

And turn this little office

And union workers.

And we are opening for Mike "The Throat" Davenport.

And we've been here over a year without a vacation.

And what is up with you,

And you can kill me however you want.

And you don't have a girlfriend, man?

And you fucking faggots keep fucking calling me.

And you know I can't eat unless I've smoked.

And, uh... a Faygo. What is a Faygo?

And, yeah, we're a little bit drunk, dude.

Anders!

Anything you want, man, you name it.

Are are you being for real?

Are you beating my high score on Brick Breaker?

Are you better than American soldiers, man?

Are you drunk or something?

Are you gonna help, or are you just gonna

Are you ready for that?

Are you ready to kill someone dead?

Around his sweet little wheelchair body,

As a flying monkey in Wicked

As far as I'm concerned, they quit.

As of tomorrow, TelAmeriCorp is officially...

At Club Damnation.

At the Toledo Repertory Theater Company?

At the young professionals wine and cheese thing tomorrow?

Back outside! Hell, no!

Back outside.

Bah!

Because I am not mad at that.

Because I have a bodybuilding competition on the same day.

Because I've got the king of cards.

Because it's like,

Because now you are...

Because of your dorky Canadian outfits.

Because someone's breaking all the rules.

Because that girl is, like, the main reason

Because the funny thing...

Because there is no such thing as half Christmas.

Because they said I have to cut my hair,

Because we blazed the last of our

Because when I just get these hands

Because you're popping a straight up bone cone

Bed her down, and Adam will never want a piece of her again.

Been funnier.

Before we can continue anything.

Before you say anything,

Before you say anything, we're sorry.

Bene dick Arnold, over here.

Bene dick Arnold.

Besides all that weird little boy stuff.

Besides Red Rock Whoa! Whoa!

Blake said he left a message!

Blake went out to get some beer,

Blake,

Blake! Beer me, dude!

Blake! Beer me, dude!

Boring.

Breaks my heart.

Bring my dog back.

Bring my dog back.

Bruce, come on.

Brush your teeth, cut your fingernails,

Bungee cord does the trick.

Bust him!

But an overall note:

But at the last minute, I bailed.

But don't tell me I don't look exactly like Jason Statham.

But I can't go back out there.

But I can't have Jillian stepping on my game.

But I don't think that's what they call it anymore.

But I hate that guy's face.

But I knock on the wrong door, and I meet you fellas.

But I know you can leave.

But I was talking about the bonds of a family.

But I would have won if I were.

But I'm just saying, your guys' way.

But I'm really gonna go for a joyride.

But I'm sure he'll be done in a minute

But I've just had a really horrible day,

But if it is, we'll put some up around the office.

But it's seeping into my cut, and it burns!

But last year was a gigantic mistake.

But let's not forget why he came here

But let's try not to get sidetracked.

But never with the 'Tron.

But put on the blinders and just find Jillian.

But seriously, I need your buddy Karl's phone number,

But they didn't double bag it, so it's about to rip.

But we actually have fun here.

But we're gonna party like it's Friday, dude.

But what about, um, Adam and Blake?

But what if we chose a different name like...

But what would you want to do for fun,

But what's the closest thing...

But what's the time frame, man?

But word on the street is that you're in love

But you are only getting two paid personal days a year.

But you guys are you guys,

But you keep coming in... ♪ Down here ♪

But you won't kill a stranger for 10 grand?

But you're gonna have to take all of this down.

But you're gonna have to untorque your bone

But, uh, out of curiosity,

But, uh, you know,

But, you know, celebrities, they make life worth living.

But, you know, little bros before big bros.

By Blake Chesterfield Henderson.

By that high school kid again.

Call it an egg Nagasaki bomb.

Call the cops, take a picture for the paper,

Call this couch.

Can I get a picture of you for the paper?

Can I, uh, get some of your cards?

Can quote funny movies. Funny movies?

Can you give the heroes a second?

Can you give us a second, please?

Can you please excuse us for a second?

Can you talk to me right now about anything?

Careful, this door handle's a little loose.

Cash money, right? And what's this about?

Check out this dude.

Chicken noodle. Uh, beef noodle.

Come on, go get the underwear.

Come on, man. Let me in.

Come on. Here's the plan.

Commie scab!

Communists support unions.

Cool costume. Hey.

Cool pad, right?

Cool, good idea that we called.

Could you give me a... Got you, buddy.

Couldn't you just blow 11 dudes at 9 hundo a pop?

Create an internet profile.

Cut! Cut! Cut. Cut. What?

Daddy loves you. Bye!

Dangerous...

Deal with it. Okay?

Ders! He's coming!

Did an amazing job on this list.

Did I ever tell you guys about my brief stint

Did I show you my crossbow?

Did you even read the post on Craigslist?

Did, uh, bieberhole69 send you one of...

Digital age. We could do that.

Direct your attention to the front of the room

Do her quick!

Do we have beef already, dude?

Do we have those here? Oh, we should start a ditch day.

Do we really need to talk about this right now?

Do you ever read magazines?

Do you have anything that's not Faygo,

Do you like getting wild?

Do you remember? I do remember.

Do you, uh do you want my card?

Dodging full grown male penises.

Don't be racist, man.

Don't have to be bothered by that creep anymore,

Don't kill yourself.

Don't let him go.

Don't see you out there.

Don't you dare. What?

Dude, it's a phrase. It's a topical phrase.

Dude, that's balling.

Ease the pain. I get it. I'd kill my mother.

Ehh!

Especially her.

Even though you have been a jerk to me...

Even weirder, you guys are standing right behind him.

Everybody loves Waymond.

Everywhere I turn, it's bullies. Big, fat bullies.

Evidently my Grandpa DeMamp was a total pussy.

Except that I just realized that it is our fault.

Father figure to the kid.

Fedora brother. 7 Eleven hat rack.

Fighting our neighbor's cleaning lady.

Fit into the equation?

For $100,000, would you suck a man's penis?

For a short video presentation.

For being a sexual maven, man.

For people to hit people in cars.

For still being a part of the team.

For the Penthouse penthouse.

For the you know, whatever.

For you, sir, because you broke the blood oath,

Fresh off the boat from the training program.

From the roof?

Fuck all rules

Fuck you and your fucking religion.

Fuck you!

Fuck. Damn it.

Gentlemen, welcome to the Dark Carnival of Souls.

Get down!

Get in here. All right.

Get in here. Where you going?

Get in that power squat. Okay.

Get in the car. What are you doing?

Get this party torqued.

Get this, last weekend in Fresno,

Get your coworkers on your side.

Getback to the old Superman cave.

Gets your balls all tingly,

Getting on a boat, sailing off,

Give it to me. Whoo!

Give it up for our contenders!

Give me the tape. No.

Go again. You've been replaced.

Go! And also give us a ride.

God!

Gonna take it to the roof and use the Sun's heat.

Good guess, though.

Good luck out there. I believe in all of us.

Got a lot of... anger I need to work through.

Got in the way of our friendship for a while.

Got out that good ass baby oil, and I was in it,

Got your wizard beats right here.

Great. Oh, my gosh!

Great. Thank you.

Grow up.

Guess what, dude. We're gonna fight now.

H hell, I tried to jump

Had long blond dreadlocks.

Hardee's for everyone!

Have huge adult nerd boobs, dude.

Have some respect for it, man. I look like Sean Astin.

Have you seen these lips? I have.

Haven't even graduated high school, okay?

He had a bad day at the office.

He had a dimple. Uh, he was, uh...

He had, like, a hook for a hand

He is the premier sword swallower in the county!

He just does swish. He's a good kid.

He just does this. Fft.

He moves like water, like a water bed.

He was bleeding everywhere in the cop car.

He was going to lunch with you idiots.

He was he was gonna take us to the Penthouse penthouse.

He was supposed to be here a half hour ago,

He'll owe me forever.

He's 5'8",

He's coming over tomorrow.

He's got the best bangs in music since '80s Metallica.

He's got, like, ten times more of the bravery than you.

He's here. Who's here?

He's in jail, right?

He's in. You're out. Yeah, yeah.

He's never gonna find me in Barbados or Prague or...

He's not afraid to piss off of a stranger's roof.

He's probably nestling up to his cell mate right now.

He's so fast. He just

He's so good. "You can't handle the truth."

He's, uh he's actually single

Head shot.

Hell, at this point, I'd take a Dasani.

Hell, no! We won't go!

Hello. Okay, that's a number.

Here comes the Neighborhood Watch,

Here's my card. Take a couple.

Hey

Hey

Hey, Alice, it's Mr. Benson on line one from corporate.

Hey, Blake, "neden" is Juggalo for "pussy

Hey, bud, real quick, one more thing.

Hey, buddy.

Hey, how's everybody doing today?

Hey, I was just calling to double check

Hey, I wouldn't blame you if you did it, man.

Hey, look, thanks for having me over, guys.

Hey, Ro, Anders here works for TelAmeriCorp!

Hey, slow down!

Hey, there you... are.

Hey, uh, buddy, why don't you stay on the line

Hey, um, I see you got some cold beverages here.

Hey, um...

Hey, who wants to take over for me?

Hey, who's that chick right there?

Hey, why don't you losers try an organized sport for once?

Hey, you can travel the world or start that hobby,

Hey, you.

Hey, you're lookin' huge, Barry!

Hey. Dude, what the hell?

Hi, Alice Murphy's office.

Hi, yeah, I want to report a robbery in progress right now.

Hi. Alice Murphy's office.

Hmm?

Hmm?

Ho! Boom!

Holmvik! Adam, don't.

Honestly, I could go for a vitaminwater or a juice.

Honestly.

Hoo ha!

Hoo.

Hopefully, I'll be dead by the time you get back.

How come you don't bring out the, uh,

How do you explain that, party boys?

How does this turn off, man?

How mow.

How much to punch your mother in the face?

How would you like a date

How's it going?

Howie Mandel gets them all the time!

Huh?

Human poop fell out of your pants.

I am liquidating this company.

I belieb you are.

I can feel that shit right now.

I can touch my toes pretty flexible.

I can't just love 'em and leave 'em

I cannot go back to working at Hot Topic,

I couldn't even do that.

I did it.

I did that once after seeing the movie The Program.

I do have to tink.

I don't care, dude,

I don't care.

I don't even know what you're doing.

I don't even need your card anymore,

I don't have insurance. How much does this cost?

I don't have time for this chicanery.

I don't know the rest, but I will learn it.

I don't know, then. I don't know, then.

I don't l don't see you with your shirt off.

I don't think you're short at all.

I don't think you've met him. He's a friend of ours.

I don't want to kill the dude, but, like...

I get up something like this

I got 25 business cards and 12 Linkedln contacts.

I got a bunch. I got 'em all.

I got to get in there. She said I'm a five.

I got to go check my emails.

I hate that person.

I have a hard "On."

I have a new dream team.

I have an "On" at the beginning of my name.

I haven't even gotten a card yet.

I heard their fries are just rat tails.

I hope it's not Hardee's.

I hope this goes away soon.

I just don't want her seeing that side of me.

I just flipped off that.

I just logged in to the chat room,

I know how to spell, all right?

I know just the place to drop my body

I know what it's like to be trapped in a chair.

I know you're wearing boots.

I like the cut of your jib.

I like. I'll say that.

I mean, come on, the Ren Faire is in two weeks.

I mean, really, if you wanted, like, 10 Gs,

I mean, who wouldn't want to go to the Penthouse penthouse?

I might be in love.

I need you mobile.

I need you... ♪ Up here, dude ♪

I plan on doubling that.

I really do. Yoooo!

I really need to call my sponsor.

I really would, but...

I really would. I would. I'm your guy.

I said how y'all motherfuckers doing?

I said, 'Whoopi, dibs, Ders." Grow up! Stop!

I say luck is for nerds without Bluetooths.

I say that I'm 11

I should've just been a public school teacher

I sold that guy a garbage bag full of growth hormones.

I stabbed him, like, 35 times in the face

I stand corrected.

I still love ya.

I suggest you just go inside,

I think everybody knows that it's an unwritten rule:

I think I might have a plan.

I think I'm gonna have to side with Adam on this one.

I think it's super cute

I think maybe I have the wrong address, actually.

I think you should chop off your dicks

I think you should stop getting pets.

I thought for sure he was gonna fire us.

I thought it was pretty dope.

I tried to call!

I want you guys to start acting your age!

I want you to give your friends their last paychecks.

I was all just droppin' in on it,

I was gonna have sex with a little dude, yes.

I was nerding into some titties!

I was wondering if I could fire off the gun during sex.

I went from clay court to ghetto court.

I will fuck your face.

I will get Norwegian on you.

I will quickly get busy in that foam pit

I would love to just end your suffering.

I would never have realized what I need to do.

I, um, need you to get them up to speed.

I'd be wearing one of those stupid headsets

I'd definitely watch that show.

I'll be out back, waiting...

I'll explain that to you later.

I'll figure something out. You sure about this?

I'll get some booze, some Doritos Collisions.

I'll knock your dick tickler off your face, son.

I'll say that much.

I'll talk to you... now.

I'll tell you what we should do.

I'm a card shark.

I'm about to go make some whoopee with Whoopi.

I'm also single.

I'm basically Darkwing Duck.

I'm Bruce Benson yes, that Bruce Benson

I'm freeing you from this this prison.

I'm gonna dive in the way and pretend to get shot.

I'm gonna get in the car.

I'm gonna get in there, seduce Sharon Old Norse style,

I'm gonna jump you No! No!

I'm gonna just split you open.

I'm gonna put $5 right here on your gross, inflatable cooler.

I'm gonna...

I'm here for something totally different.

I'm in love.

I'm in sales too! TelAmeriCorp.

I'm just a lat guy, you know?

I'm just gonna rip this guy's heart out, right?

I'm just here to get some clean shirts for work.

I'm just living in an ab guy's world.

I'm kind of lost. I'm looking for somebody.

I'm like, "I'm not in. I don't have one."

I'm looking for a true love companion

I'm looking to get weird.

I'm not about to stand in the way of love.

I'm not Billy Zane, man.

I'm not gonna fire you.

I'm not gonna get on that bike.

I'm not gonna let it happen again.

I'm not gonna stand for that anymore, man.

I'm on it. Just give me 20 minutes.

I'm on the "do not call" list,

I'm on top of the goddamn world.

I'm part of the Rancho Cucamonga

I'm pretty sure we can charm the CEO's pants off.

I'm ready to, uh, join human society one more time

I'm really gonna cry here. You know what?

I'm so sorry. That was rude.

I'm so starving. I'm so starving.

I'm sorry, Anders, but Trix are for kids.

I'm sorry. We got to go.

I'm still liquidating the company.

I'm super interested.

I'm super sad about the beats!

I'm sure he's on his way.

I'm sweating right now.

I'm the goddamn Neighborhood Watch.

I'm throwing two more.

I'm torqued. You're torqued right now.

I'm yoked!

I've been in this seat prison for, like, 25 minutes now.

I've been so critical lately. I got to chill.

I've changed my mind. Get off.

I've got a plane waiting for us.

I've got standards. I'm not just blowing everybody.

I've got these amazing lats, and...

I've mismanaged this company into the ground,

I've never been more sane.

I've never really had a girlfriend.

If maybe we could get two days off

If that's what you're into.

If they want peach fuzz, we have to

If you don't want to tell us, you don't have to.

If you dress like that, you're asking for it.

If you have a map with a legend or anything...

If you if you live in the world.

If you like Fresca

If you see the neighbor's house getting broken into,

If you would have even bothered

If you would've caught me without these two,

Imagine this little headline:

In a good way.

In front of horses and knights.

In front of your car this morning,

In the magazines.

In the magazines.

In the spirit world?

In the stairwell, we...

In, like, five minutos?

Instead of... this cool, leather cowboy hat.

Interests. What's Jillian into?

Into a magical half Christmas winter wonderland?

Is arm wrestling Dog the Bounty Hunter.

Is completely disrespectful to the rap game.

Is preparation meeting opportunity.

Is that Jillian?

Is that something Oscar handles,

Is that the Vapetron right there,

Is that what you're doing here?

Is that you were coming over to our house

Is that your family?

Is there a poop in here?

Is totally loose butthole.

It did not have to go like this.

It is gonna be so awesome.

It looks like he's losing a lot of blood.

It never was. I don't know why you guys keep saying it.

It started, like, four years ago.

It was ah, that was fun, though.

It was called Soft. . Pitch.

It was her house. Now it's gonna be our house.

It was kind of like A League Of Their Own, but

It was pretty dangerous.

It was so loose.

It was super sad. Impressive.

It was weird!

It was, um, well, it was pretty loose butthole.

It's "On ders."

It's a bit of a tradition in our household, so...

It's a huge weight off my shoulders.

It's a pun. I'm good at those.

It's a real issue in my life.

It's a respect laugh!

It's a white half Christmas.

It's called ****! And you got no dicks!

It's chindo.

It's contagious, dude!

It's cool.

It's FYI, "for your information."

It's good to meet you.

It's hilarious, so we're laughing.

It's it's really a funny story, actually.

It's just real guttural noises, like, "Uhh!

It's just so hot out here. It's so good.

It's like a candy cane.

It's like a coconut oil. What is that?

It's like a Saturday or something.

It's like if Picasso quit making music

It's like the wild, wild west up in there,

It's ni ice!

It's not a big deal, 'cause you know what?

It's not changing, buddy. I know. I got that.

It's not funny.

It's nothing you wouldn't have done for me, right?

It's okay, girls.

It's on, because I told them that you guys were coke dealers.

It's probably gonna be done in about two days or so.

It's probably just Karl high out of his mind,

It's ridonk. Wow.

It's rough. But you know what?

It's run by Lutherans.

It's safe to say that he's the ballingest guy

It's supposed to happen. Keep it on. Be tough.

It's the middle of July.

It's the wrong gun! It's the wrong gun!

It's us. You're safe now.

It's your credit card.

It's, like, a thing that you strap on to your

It's, uh it's not our fault.

It's, uh it's official. All right.

Jake.

Jason Statham.

Jeez, it's hot. It's like Hades.

Jillian can't be there,

Jillian's date's, like, a total psycho.

Jillian's here. She's Lady Gaga.

Junior national champion, 2005.

Just can you move, please?

Just a moment. Please hold.

Just a second. I'll put him through.

Just bah, bah, got in my power stance,

Just be careful out there, all right?

Just gettin' swole with it, brotha.

Just have sex with fake celebrities...

Just let me in!

Just like a little baby alien.

Just pretend your parents are here.

Just really making it our own, you know what I mean?

Just take it back outside right now.

Just the boo I was looking for.

Just the two of us. Best roommates ever.

Just thinking your sheep thoughts.

Just two dudes in a Jacuzzi.

Just walk in the door?

Just want to let you know we know we got off

Just wanted to shank you from the bottom of our hearts,

Just... cutting in line.

Justin Bieber Fan Club.

Karl is taking the wizards to a whole new level.

Keeps sending me pictures of his dong because he

Kept me off the team in '04, if you can believe that much.

Lady of the evening such as yourself.

Last thing I remember

Legs, heh heh.

Let me get this straight.

Let me give you my business card.

Let me introduce you to my friends.

Let me just get my fedora

Let me know if you want me to take Becca

Let me see them titties, girl.

Let's do this. Let's do this.

Let's get some more drinks. You got those coupons, right?

Let's go check it out.

Let's go get some wine and cheese.

Let's go to the pool

Let's just get the beats and then get out of here.

Let's let's just get some party supplies

Let's make it three hours, huh?

Let's take it from the top.

Like Afghanistan, Iraq,

Like I'm in Reel Big Fish.

Like my idiot mom.

Like, if your mother was on her deathbed

Like, think about other people.

Linkedln.

Listen, do you or do you not

Listen, this whole situation we're in right now,

Little picture of you right there.

Lives on in all of us.

Look, check it out.

Look, check it out.

Look, half of these people

Look, um, I know that you're big fans of the Dollar Store,

Lookin' swole. Lookin' good.

Looks like it's time to put your money where your mouth is.

Lots 0' magic.

Lovely woman, but... pow!

Lover boy is in for a rude awakening.

Lunch is on me!

Lunch, Maxwell's.

Lust. hey, hey.

Magic happened on this step

Make you want to live the rest of your life.

Makes you feel like your souls are boning each other

Man, I'm sick of getting persecuted and judged

Martin Luther King on steroids.

Maybe actually you guys aren't ready

Maybe I should call Hey, Vince. Come here.

Maybe just do it better for me next time, okay?

Maybe some booze,

Maybe take a warm bath,

Maybe that's what's up.

Maybe we can toss each other a little business.

Maybe you guys No, no, no.

Meet my new buddy here...

Miss Pouting Princess in the corner?

Mm! Mm!

Mm! Mm! Mm! Mm!

Mm.

Motherfucker.

Motherfucking Lord of the Rings in there.

Music's loud, not that loud.

My crank works just great.