Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back (2001) Edit

A are you guys all right?

A bunch of uppity homosexuals shooting their mouths off...

A couple of hundred miles across the country...

A couple of stoners who spout dumb ass catch phrases...

A E l O U

A Federal Wildlife Marshal?

A fugitive monkey in there should hit the deck.

A guy who calls himself Magnolia Fan.

A homophobe?

A Jersey boy.

A little bit more specific than that.

A monkey, Wes?

A source at the Federal Wildlife Marshal's office...

Aaah!

Aaah!

Aaah!

Aah!

Aah!

Aah!

About characters whose central preoccupation...

About dealing in front of the store?

About Jay and Silent Bob, right?

About movies and actors they claim to despise...

About stopping this bile.

About the comic book Jay and Silent Bob.

About tHose two stoners Hanging around...

About us and that stupid ass flick.

Actually, there was this one time

Actually, there's a funny story behind that. Ha ha!

Affleck, you da bomb in Phantoms, yo!

Afro motherfuckin' m a n

After the Federal Wildlife Marshal's office has learned...

Ah, Jesus. Again, Ben?

Ahem.

Ahh.

Ain't that about a bitch?

All rigHt, don't you fucking move, you little sHit macHine.

All right, enough of this small talk.

All right, here, check this one out.

All right, once we get upstairs...

All right, people!

All right, we'll turn that shit around

All right, you can live... for now.

All right, you go in there, start swinging.

All right! Let's roll with the new.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right. On the count of three...

All the studios started buying up...

All their animals except for one an orangutan.

All these assholes on the lnternet are calling us names...

All these little fuckin' jerkoffs...

All these people reading that shit...

All we gotta do is figure out how to get closer to 'em.

All you motherfuckers are gonna pay.

All you motherfuckers are gonna pay.

Am l am I getting through to you at all?

An lnternet movie chat board allegedly written...

And a real version...

And after it's all over, you say...

And after we bust that shit up...

And all I can hear is those two...

And all the weed I be smokin' is farmer's hay

And as we're not only the artistic basis...

And ask for my movie check.

And at the same time, find my ex girlfriend...

And beating the shit out of them, I guess.

And cornhole us a drunk.

And cry like little bitches. Once we get to Hollywood, we

And cry like little whiny bitches.

And evidently, everyone in America has chosen...

And for the record, I ain't gay.

And for tHe record, tHe Time sucked ass.

And for the record, while we're on the subject...

And get back to you.

And get yo' mother fuckin' movie check...

And Handed down to tHe greatest band in tHe world

And he showed us the lnternet. And that's where we found...

And how many people are sick ofholding it back

And I am so fuckin' yours.

And I got just the part for 'em.

And I got punched in the motherfuckin' nuts...

And I gotjust the thing for that.

And I just I see a man crying out.

And I mean nothing, distract us.

And I was, like, What's up?

And I'll be, like...

And I'm stealin' it.

And I'm, like, Jay and Silent Bob.

And ifl don't sell one copy I'll know why

And it was excellent!

And it's all blown by a fucking fart.

And its refusal to grow up.

And leave 'em in a seedy motel bathtub full of ice.

And Missy's the tech girl...

And monkey theft.

And now we're here.

And on that note, we cue the music.

And playing twister with his vitals. Mmm!

And rebuilding the world in their image.

And say you never found the ape.

And sent him packing, so it's smooth sailing.

And she smells so fuckin' pretty.

And she'll be, like, Oh, l've read on the lnternet...

And she's like, Oh, l've read on the lnternet...

And she's, like, What's your names?

And surrender the orangutan.

And that body

And The Color Purple.

And the only thing I do recognize right now...

And then all you motherfucks are next.

And then eat their shit that's made up of our shit...

And then she goes and sucks two other guys' dicks off instead.

And then, when the guys come out with the monkey

And they all want a part in my movie...

And they fuckin' took the one thing I had left...

And they're not the leaders of the C.L.l.T.

And this is my hetero life mate Silent Bob.

And this is our adopted love child.

And this is your finger

And Tubby Here's my black manservant.

And turn in Missy, Chrissy, Sissy, and myself.

And we have a job to do?

And we need a male perspective on the clitoris.

And we see some fuckin' titties...

And we're on our way to Colorado...

And what they think is inside information...

And you don't make with the head?

And you get where you're going in no time.

And you know what they do to you in jail.

And you tied the knot dressed like Stormtroopers.

And you were all piss scared...

And, uh, and and he's playing Chronic...

Another white boy in this movie? Damn!

Any boogers in it?

Any last words before I bust your balls, Bluntman?

Any movie based on Jay and Silent Bob...

Anyplace it goes is right, Goes far

Anyway, we were talking to Brodie...

Are a couple jerkoffs...

Are a couple of little fuckin' jerkoffs.

Are gonna lick balls...

Are never gonna let me hear the end of this.

Are out of commission. Ready? Break.

Are shooting a project on the lot.

Are these leg cuffs really necessary?

Are we gonna have a problem...again?

Are you even supposed to be Here today?

Are you fuckin' crazy? Now, they may be gay...

Are you guys all right?

Are you kidding me?

Are you really high now, man?

Aren't you gonna direct us?

Aren't you that guy that fucked the pie?

Around Morris Day and Jerome.

As Jay and Silent Bob.

As long as there's a Bluntman and Chronic movie...

As sure as I am that you're the hottest bitch I ever seen.

As you failed to do that, Banky...

As you so succinctly put it...

At least Holden had the good sense...

At this fine piece of woman, are you?

At this point, what can you tell us about the C.L.l.T.?

Avenge me...Hempknight.

Aw, keep on truckin'.

Aw, man, it's a small world!

Aw, man. Norma Rae like a motherfucker, huh?

Awesome. Knock 'em dead, tiger.

Bad medicine

Banky fuckin' Edwards!

BANKY: Uh, Chaka?

Be honest, yo, you're down with this...

Be smooth.

Bears, rhinos, and shit?

Because he's just so innocent!

Because I got high

Because I got high

Because I got high

Because I got high

Because I got high

Because I got high

Because I got high

Because I got high

Because I got high

Because I got high

Because I got high

Because I got high, because I got high

Because I love you.

Because I'm high

Because if the buzz is any indicator...

Because no one knows we're real in real life.

Because of this fucking stupid movie.

Because of what all these dickheads are writing...

Because she's gonna be one dead bitch.

Because they both, in fact, lick balls.

Before I got high

Before they ruin our good names.

BEN: Gus?

Besides, I didn't see you trying...

Besides, we're in the clear, yo.

Bill Cosby did the whole thing with a ruler...

Bitch.

Bluntman and Chronic Strike Back?

Bluntman and Chronic Strike Back...

Bobby boy, stay Here wHile Mommy picks up tHe free cHeese, OK?

BON JOVl: Your love is like bad medicine

Bong!

Boo Boo Kitty Fuck?

Boo ya.

BOTH: Aah!

BOY: Holy shit, dude.

BOY: Yeah, Purple Rain.

Break it down. Where we taking it from, Gus?

Brent, tell these sillies that girls don't fart.

BRENT: Hey, Mr. Science Guy

Bring it on.

Bring that ass over. Come on!

BRODlE: No fucking way.

BRODlE: Well, after X Men hit at the box office...

Bung! Ha ha ha!

But

But Affleck was the bomb in Phantoms.

But also, obviously, the character basis...

But characters based on us.

But constitutionally protected family unit.

But frankly, I found it rather elementary.

But I could go for some hot thick Sicilian.

But I got high

But I got high

But I just have to say Bluntman and Chronic...

But I want a reduced sentence.

But I was high

But I was high

But I'm reallyjust a sensitive artist

But it's a lot easier to say that you live by the Book...

But lately, I'm having a little trouble...

But Miramax you know, Miramax Films

But no sign of Jay and Silent Bob?

But now you and your sidekick are finally in the grasp...

But that's not their son. That's the ape.

But then I got high

But then I got high

But they are so out of here before we get to Boulder.

But we've got a 1 0 07 on our hands.

But what are we supposed to do about it?

But when you and me try it...

But you forgot about Vickers.

But you're no longer the angry, brilliant young mind...

By a fat man in an overcoat?

By a guy named Cock Knocker!

By letting this butt fucking Brady Bunch go.

By putting this kind of pressure on the C.L.l.T.?

By the two domestic terrorists themselves.

Bye.

C.L.l.T. stops here, Jay and Silent Bob!

Call me Boo Boo Kitty Fuck... bitch.

Call me Darth Balls. Bong!

Callin' us assholes on the lnternet...

Can I get a cut here?

Can shoot each other with it and fuck like stoned test bunnies.

Can you do it?

Chaka Luther King, that's who the fuck I am.

Chaka, I'll be in my trailer.

Chaka!

Chaka! Call off Dawson, will you?

Check it out.

Check this shit out, Lunch Box animal tranquilizer.

Check this shit out. Spread my cheeks...

CHORUS: Who's a friend to the king of all the monkeys

Come on out with your hands in the air...

Come on, let's get something to eat.

Come on, y'all, check it out

Come on, you guys. it's over.

COP ON MEGAPHONE: This is the Utah State Police.

Could you say something into the camera about the clitoris?

Cover, schmover. You all hated his songs, too.

Crack crack cracker? Crack?

Crack? Want some crack?

Crazy crackers with guns?

Damn youse!

Damn, these white boys can't fight.

Damn, this must've set 'em back a couple hundred bucks.

Dance, pie fucker!

Dante and Randall slapped you with a restraining order?

DAPHNE: And I don't think...

De cracker nate it, ok, Fucky?

DEALER: Ho, ho, man!

Did you ever get to third base with her?

Did you Hear tHat fucking guy...

Did you say Jay and Silent Bob are

Did you say no problem?

Did you see that shit, man? Bitches love me.

Didn't Holden McNeil and Banky Edwards...

Didn't we used to ride that shit...

Die, you super monkey fuck! Aah!

Ditch this foul mouthed little chucklehead...

Do not look at Ben or Matt directly in the eyes...

Do not shoot!

Do somethin'.

Do something, Tons of Fun.

Do they have you held hostage?

Do to help the animals?

Do you get free refills with that?

Do you have a VCR?

Do you know that I came up with the idea for Sesame Street?

Do you post as Magnolia Fan on Moviepoopshoot.com?

Do you want us to call your publicists?

Does everybody understand that?

Doin' coke, drinkin' beers

Don't ask.

Don't be so suburban. it's the new millennium.

Don't change the subject. Will we fuck when you get out?

Don't forget that.

Don't fuck with a Jedi Master, son.

Don't get me started.

Don't go taking this fuckin' chimp's side.

Don't just point like...

Don't make us go back to our liberal city home...

Don't never say an unkind word about tHe Time.

Don't say anything especially you.

Don't shoot!

Don't shoot.

Don't stop until these little young Hollywood fucks...

Don't they kick your ass to the curb?

Don't you ever want anything more for yourself?

Don't you have any regret?

Don't you know fast food makes girls fart?

Done plenty of that, my friend.

Done.

Doobie Snacks.

Drinkin' beers, beers, beers

Drive a little dangerous

Drop the bag! Now!

Dude, I think I just filled the cup.

Dude, that is so gay. l

Echo Base, l've got a 1 0 07...

Eight days.

Enough!

Ergo, you find yourself in a very actionable position.

Even though they're not really talkin' about us...

Every comic property they could get...

Every day people hitch to Hollywood...

Everything went to hell.

Ew, dude, you were really gonna suck my dick.

Ew, dude. I fuckin' knew it, man.

Exactly.

Excellent delivery

Excuse me.

Expletive deleted who are making...

Expletive deleted then eat their expletive deleted

F U C K l N G

Far from the pulse, jammed straight up your ass.

Featuring the greatest band in the world!

Federal Wildlife Marshal.

Federal Wildlife Marshal. Everyone stay cool.

Federal Wildlife Marshal. ls the monkey in there?

Fictional characters.

Fifteen bucks, little man

Figuring out what you're doing here.

Fire a warning shot into his bulbous ass.

First I need

First of all, I don't know how good your names are.

Five hours and not a single ride.

Floppin' around and shit in the air. Yeah!

Follow the rules of the book...

For a little stoner with bad pronunciation.

For being so stupid.

For detaining you and your unorthodox...

For example, we got a guy here...

For force because that makes run the boss

For him, I'd be willing to do anything.

For I do

For l

For likeness rights...

For one more record, he loves the cock.

For our human sexuality class...

For stealing the monkey

For the fine ass pussy, right?

For the movie that we're shooting in about 1 5 minutes?

For their next campaign of blood, violence...

For your intellectual property, Bluntman and Chronic...

FRED: Let's kick 'em out.

FRED: What do we do with them now?

Freeze, you terrorist sons of bitches!

Friday? Shit, does it say who's fucking playing us...

From a dick in a neckerchief.

From anybody here at the studio.

From Ben Affleck's trailer.

From ever getting to kiss a girl?

From gettin' made. Come on, Silent Bob.

From in the heart of Utah.

From makin' that movie.

From shooting this movie...

From the intelligence we've been gathering...

From the lab last night is taken by these men

From the one woman I loved enough...

From whatever gay serial killers...

Fuck a bunch of different good lookin' monkeys.

Fuck it

Fuck Jay and Silent Bob.

Fuck off, will you?

Fuck the corporate world, bi yatch!

Fuck the police

Fuck them up their stupid asses.

Fuck this asshole.

Fuck you, fatty.

Fuck you. You already said half.

Fuck, fuck, fuck

Fuck, fuck, fuck the police

Fuck, fuck, fuck the police

Fuck, fuck, fuck...

Fuck, man, I had a horrible dream.

Fuck, man, I'm no strategist.

Fuck! When, Lord, when?

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuckin' smokin'.

Fuckin' we stole a monkey, we got shot at...

Fucking stupid bitch!

Gay, straight it's all the same now.

Get me a blonde hair white boy, so I can enjoy that shit.

Get out of my way, man.

Get out ofhere without them fuckin' seeing us?

Get out there and give him the monkey.

Get over OK, you, little kid, you're here.

Get that shit the fuck out of here.

Get to chime in with their two cents.

Get you high?

Get your fuckin' hands off me.

Getjiggy with it

Gimme the map, Scott!

Gimme the map, Scott.

Girl, I'd love to show you

Girl, I'd love to show you

Girls like that kind of shit.

Go back to making your adult movie.

Go to hell, Pacey. Go to hell.

Go to Hollywood, and stop those fucks...

Go to my trailer, 'cause I got more white girls in there...

Go to the next one

God damn youse all to hell!

God, I can't believe what a pushover you are.

Gonna fuck your mothers while you watch...

Good. They do their part, and we'll do ours.

Got a permanent disease

Grammar like a hammer, information receivable

Great. Looks like you've changed costumes already.

GUARD: Fuck!

GUARD: Get 'em!

GUARD: Those are some magical guys.

Guys, this is Sissy...

Ha ha ha!

Ha ha!

Ha ha! Hi, I'm Justice.

Hanging around outside a store selling pot.

Have targeted Miramax Studios...

Have you seen them roaming around?

He knows.

He loves the cock.

He really is high, man

He said he'd fuck a sheep!

He says, Bluntman and Chronic and their stupid alter egos...

He wasn't kissing your hand in the back of the van...

He'll suck my dick while you watch and jerk off.

He's crying out, When, Lord?

He's with us, too.

Heck, even monkeys.

Heh.

Heh. Contrary to what you believe...

Heh. Remind me to renew that restraining order.

Hell, yeah. That's 'cause he's from my sperm.

Hello?

Here's the pulse, all right?

Here's what we're looking for Moviepoopshoot.com. [Farts]

Here's your coffee, sir.

Hey, all the hitchers do this.

Hey, can't we do sometHing...

Hey, do that over, man

Hey, hey, you were in 'Loser,' weren't you?

Hey, I'll make you a deal.

Hey, it ain't that hard, man.

Hey, law dog!

Hey, lemme ask you a question.

Hey, stop stealing monkeys.

Hey, that wasn't in the script.

Hey, wait a second.

Hey, what's all this talk about farting?

Hey!

Hey!

Hey! Get the fuck off her!

Hey! You don't have a pass!

Hi, Jussy. We catch you at a bad time?

Hi.

HlTCHHlKER: 'Cause you're doing it all wrong.

Hold this.

Hold your fire.

Holy fuck! The little stoner was right!

Holy fuck.

Holy shit, I am wearing pansy red booties.

Holy shit, it understood us.

Holy shit, that looked like it hurt.

Holy shit, the cops. We gotta get out of here.

Holy shit, you're the Dawson.

Holy shit!

Holy shit! What the fuck are you guys doing here?

How 'bout fine piece of ass?

How about a little Bitch, My Man Ain't Your Baby's Daddy?

How about not?

How about this deal?

How come we ain't gettin' no rides?

How do you know he doesn't smoke monkey pole, huh?

How many people are sick ofholding it back

How many people want to kick some ass

How many people want to kick some ass

How many people want to kick some ass

How many people want to kick some ass

How many people want to kick some ass

Hurry! [Barks]

Hyah!

I ain't got a fever

I ain't playin', baby

I am an excellent marksman. l've always

I am going to do something about these two stoner fucks...

I am the C.L.l.T. commander!

I am the clit commander!

I am the master of the clit!

I came up with it before PBS.

I can make you a deal that will get you into the FBl...

I can't believe fine ass bitches like yourself eat that shit.

I can't believe I'm gonna get some pussy

I can't believe Judi Dench played me.

I can't believe this shit.

I can't do that, Sissy.

I can't take all of this fighting!

I didn't think so.

I don't believe in Hitler, that's what I said

I don't care who the driver is.

I don't have the fuckin' smarts of a little...

I don't know.

I don't like the sound of them apples, Will.

I don't like the sound of them apples, Will.

I don't really wanna die

I don't think I'm alone in the world...

I don't think they are masks.

I don't want no mouthful ofmonkey spit...

I film the motherfucker, right? Then I yell Cut.

I get that a lot. So you like animals, huh?

I got a fireplace, yo, I can't hear ya

I got all the symptoms, count 'em, 1, 2, 3

I got you new coffee, sir booger free.

I gotta be the craftiest motherfucker alive.

I gotta go beat the shit outta...

I gotta.

I guess if you guys really wanted...

I have no idea what you just said.

I know this poor hapless son of a bitch does.

I live my life by it.

I look into his sorry doe eyes...

I lost my kids and wife

I make pay with Jay

I make that shit work!

I mean youse guys.

I mean, hi. I'm Jay...

I mean, if you were another sheep...

I mean, Jesus, you guys aren't even trying anymore, are you?

I mean, talking me into Dogma is one thing, but this is

I mean, you got to grow, man.

I recommend that you guys go hunt Banky down...

I remember that class.

I said, l

I said, l

I should've done a long time ago.

I sold my half of the Bluntman and Chronic rights...

I swear to God!

I swear, I don't know what's going on...

I take it you haven't seen Forces of Nature.

I taught you all your moves myself.

I think George Lucas gonna sue somebody.

I think I killed both of them.

I think I want to drive it

I think I want to know ya, know ya

I think I want to know you

I think I want to know you

I think I want to know you

I think I would recognize an ape if I saw one, OK?

I think I'll kick some ass

I think we need to funk them up again

I thought Banky and Holden created this shit.

I thought the fat one didn't really talk that much.

I thought you blew up, Boo Boo Kitty Fuck.

I told you those two were the perfect patsies.

I want...

I wanted you to know that I respect your work as an artist.

I was a guard.

I was gonna call it N.W.P....

I was gonna clean my room

I was gonna eat yo pussy, too

I was gonna get up and find the broom

I was gonna go to class

I was gonna go to court

I was gonna go to work

I was gonna make love to you

I was gonna pay my car note

I was gonna pay my child support

I was gonna throw him out myself.

I was just about to jump in and fuckin' get your back.

I was still just hoping you might be able...

I wish I held onto a little piece of that thing...

I would ifl could

I'd do anything for youse guys...

I'd kick the shit out of them for being so stupid?

I'm a little dangerous

I'm a noble rabbit

I'm a smooth pimp who loves the pussy...

I'm a teen idol, damn it! Don't you recognize me?

I'm an international jewel thief who's facing a jail sentence.

I'm counting on you, Sheriff.

I'm gonna kill all these fucks.

I'm gonna stop singing this song

I'm Jason Biggs.

I'm not even supposed to be here today.

I'm obviously on the wrong set.

I'm on my way. We've got 'em.

I'm playing Bluntman, a.k.a. Silent Bill.

I'm reallyjust a sensitive artist

I'm serious

I'm singing this whole thing wrong

I'm so fucking embarrassed.

I'm something of an artist myself.

I'm sorry, Jay.

I'm takin' it back for the black man...

I'm taking it next semester, and I know why

I'm the bitch?

I'm the brains, Chrissy's the brawn...

I'm the chucklehead? You're the fucking dumb ass...

I'm trying to tell a story here.

Identified in literature that accompanied the tape...

If anyone out there should come across them...

If I go to prison, will you wait for me?

If I had known that shit earlier...

If I was you, I would've been like...

If I was you, I would've drowned ed his ass...

If it goes into the red alarm, we're dead.

If it isn't the wildlife expert.

If that money doesn't show

If there wasn't a Bluntman and Chronic movie...

If they were real, I'd beat the shit out of them...

If we don't speak up for them, who will?

If you don't stop backtalking me, OK, cracker?

If you get a ride, it's expected.

Ifl gotta blow this fuckin' G man.

In Hollyweird, man? You got to come...

In imagining this flick may be the worst idea...

In the creek and shit.

In the movie?

In your fuckin' brain lately.

Into doing this shit in the first place.

Into one 90 minute long gay joke.

Is a medical lab where they perform...

Is the political fiasco here that I'm about to avoid...

It's like we're trapped in a fuckin' cartoon.

JA Y: Get off ofme!

JA Y: Get offmy Kool Aid, motherfucker!

JA Y: Hey!

JA Y: Justice, huh?

JA Y: Mmm, mmm.

JA Y: Right.

JA Y: Sure it is, Juggs.

JA Y: Suzanne.

JA Y: That'll show those fucks.

JA Y: Thejudge said if we go within a hundred feet...

JA Y: This little monkey...

JA Y: What kind of animals are we talkin' about here?

JA Y: When the fuck did this happen?

James, actually. James Van Der Beek.

JAMES: At least call me the right character.

JAMES: Listen to me you would last a day on the Creek.

JASON: Fuck you and your Dawson's crap.

JASON: You see, man?

Jay and Bob don't deserve this. They were really sweet.

Jay and Silent Bob are in the hiz house.

Jay and Silent Bob are one notejokes...

Jay and Silent Bob only work in small doses, if at all.

Jay and Silent Bob.

Jay said you guys had a Star Wars theme wedding...

Jay, uh, before you go...

Jay, you know, you don't have to do this.

JAY: All right, here's the plan. First we find out...

JAY: What, is it a fucking crime to fart? Motherfucker!

Jay? No, he's not.

Jesus, Ben, I said I'm busy. Busy.

Jesus.

Jules Asner is on the scene at Miramax Studios. Jules?

JULES: No, Steve, but...

Jungle love

Jungle love, look out

Just 'cause they're not cuddly.

Just fuckin' say it already!

Just isn't the same, is it?

Just like bad medicine

Just like Winnie the Pooh.

Just say it, man. Don't make me ask twenty questions.

Just stand there and react.

Just take it from, it's a good course.

Just the motherfucker we came to see!

Just use the little one's crush on you to convince him...

Justice died for you, you little monkey fuck!

Justice, move your ass!

Justice!

Justice.

JUSTlCE: Fuck it.

JUSTlCE: I met 'em inside. They're gonna hitch a ride.

JUSTlCE: Man, you're such a bitch!

JUSTlCE: Maybe not.

JUSTlCE: Oh, please. lfl had to listen...

JUSTlCE: Oh.

JUSTlCE: Oh. Let's see.

JUSTlCE: OK, well, um...

JUSTlCE: Provasik Pharmaceuticals...

Kaboom, you little stoner fucks.

Keep going

Keep it up, beatnik.

Keep this shit, so later me and Justice...

Kid.

Know you

L

L l was the inker on the comic book.

L, for one, will be boycotting this movie.

L'll feed you to the fuckin' dog!

L'll give you half of what I make.

L'll give you two thirds of what I make.

L'll take you to the crib, rip you off

L'll tell you what our necks are doing in your woods.

L'll tell you why! Because I'm a joke!

L've been watching you

La da da da

La da da da

La da da da da da

La da da da da da

La da da da da da da

La da da da da da da

La da da da da da da

La da da da da da da

La da da da da da da

La da da da da da da

La da da da da da da

La da da daaa

Lee doo doo doo doo

Lemon face. BOTH: Ooh.

Let it go, man. They're not talking about you guys.

Let's cut out their kidneys and sell it to the black market...

Let's get you guys on your feet. Come on.

Let's get you to the set.

Let's go back to the station house...

Let's go! it's set!

Let's have those diamonds, Justice.

Let's just shoot some tear gas into the diner...

Let's remember who talked who...

Let's rock.

Let's rock.

Let's see if those fucks wrote something new...

Let's try and act like it.

Lfl was you guys, I would find Holden McNeil...

Like a shot in your fuckin' mouth, you gay bitch.

Like a third rate Cheech and Chong...

Like he was fucking Lord Byron?

Like how?

Like The Piano or The Crying Game.

Like this, huh? You went to film school.

Like this...

Lips, teeth, tongue, or lion face?

Little kid, but you special, man.

Living in their parents' basement...

Ln a posting pulled off of Moviepoopshoot.com...

Ln a videotape sent to authorities this morning...

Ln exchange, I will give you the diamonds we stole...

Ln these outfits, we're totally incognito.

Ln this chilling clip, they make it very clear...

Look at all these crackers.

Look at him.

Look at me! I'm the pie fucker!

Look at these morose motherfuckers right here.

Look at this. A gay hood ornament...

Look like House Party 2.

Look, fine. They can ride with us...

Look, fuck that fat fuck.

Look, he's so cute.

Look, I'm sorry I dragged you away...

Look, man, she doesn't wanna go back to the lab.

Look, no one's gonna get blown

Look, who's the Federal Wildlife Marshal here?

Love, Jay and Silent Bob.

Ls Hollywood near where we're going?

Ls Hollywood ready for Jay and Silent Bob?

Ls that thing waving at us?

Ls that where you guys are from?

Ls that your cell phone, sir?

Ls that...

Lt doesn't matter if there's a comic book version of us...

Lt was just between recess and lunch.

Lt wasjust a diversion so that we could steal these.

Lt would kill him, wouldn't it?

Lt'll take more than a doctor

Lt's a difficult situation.

Lt's a Miramax flick. We gotta bust it up...

Lt's a shame. it's a damn shame.

Lt's all good, sir.

Lt's either this or jail...

Lt's hunting season.

Lt's like watching Batman and Robin again.

Lt's nice to meet you.

Lt's not like anyone knows we stole the monkey.

Lt's not stealing a monkey. I mean, it's liberating it

Lt's sending a shockave through Hollywood.

Lt's the female orgasm that's the myth.

Lt's the first rule in the book.

Lt's time we wrote something back.

Lt's two guys talking in a corner, dude.

M a n

Make it fast...and sexy.

Make it happen, guys.

Man, I don't know what the fuck you just said...

Man, I will direct you to the unemployment line...

Man, I'd have been stealin' monkeys...

Man, she is fuckin' fine.

Man, this movie's gonna make House Party...

Man, who the fuck just steals a monkey?

MAN: All right, now, remember what I said.

MAN: All right, quiet on the set, everyone.

MAN: Excuse me.

MAN: Good Will Hunting 2, Hunting Season...

MAN: Lock it up, we're going for picture.

MAN: What'd I tell you two...

MARK HAMlLL: Heh heh heh heh.

MARK: All right, that's it. I am out ofhere.

Marshal Willenholly, thanks for joining us.

Maybe it's a conspiracy, like in the X Files...

Maybe it's because women don't like to be called bitches, Jay.

Maybe it's some kind of super monkey.

Maybe they're making an army of 'em up there.

Maybe they're one of those gay couples.

Me and Justice are gonna get married one day...

Me or you?

Mine and Silent Bob's home since we were kids.

Miramax optioned Bluntman and Chronic.

Miramax? Ha ha ha!

Miramax? I thought they only made classy pictures...

Missy whipped this up. lt counts our decibel level.

Missy, and Chrissy. Here.

Missy, Sissy, Chrissy, and I are international jewel thieves.

MlSSY: Oh, my God.

Mmm.

Mother, motherfuck, mother, motherfuck, fuck

Motherfuck, ha ha

Motherfuck, motherfuck, noise, noise, noise

Motherfucker.

Move, move, move!

Mr. Biggs, Mr. Van Der Beek, I just wanted to say hi. I'm

Mr. Biggs, Mr. Van Der Beek, this is Security.

Mr. Biggs, Mr. Van Der Beek!

Must piss you off to see a black man...

My bad.

My friends and I are on a road trip.

My friends in the Bureau...

My God!

My room is still messed up, and I know why

My, oh, my, oh, my.

****as With Puppets. Catchy, ain't it?

Nights like this...

No charge, lady.

No fucking movie check, neither.

No little perv bullshit's gonna work for this one.

No more hairy bush nuns, no more dogs.

No one rules the clit like me.

No shit stains in my undies.

No, but it's Miramax...

No, I just read Vickers, so I'm up on inherited wealth, Hunting.

No, I use this for protection, you know...

No, it always comes back to that fuckin' pie.

No, it's cool, hon.

No, man, but you want some weed?

No, more like dogs, cats, rabbits, muskrats, beavers.

No, no, no, you gotta take a salad.

No, no, no!

No, no, no. I'm tired of running.

No, no, no. No, the C.L.l.T.'s real.

No, sir, a 1 0 82 is disappearing a dead hooker...

No, uh, we kicked those guys' asses bad.

No, wait a second.

No, you stopped hitting the books...

No, you the man, and that's the problem.

No, you wasn't

No, you're misunderstanding me, Prince Valiant.

No. Go.

Nobody else got the heart to tell you.

None of you little fucks out there.

None whatsoever...

Not again.

Not as much as I hate you.

Not everyone in the industry is a homosexual.

Not good.

Not this little fuck...

Not to stick my hand down her pants.

Now ain't you glad we came here to eat?

Now clean that shit up.

Now drop tHe kid and peddle your wares...

Now here to help us explain this footage...

Now how do you like them apples?

Now I'm a paraplegic, and I know why

Now I'm selling dope, and I know why

Now I'm sleeping on the sidewalk, and I know why

Now I'mjacking off, and I know why

Now that was worse than Clash of the Titans.

Now the tow truck's pulling away, and I know why

Now tremble before the might of our merciless leader.

Now we can eat our Egg a Mooby Muffin...

Now we can finally solve the mystery...

Now whose balls have been busted, bitch?

Now, the guy said it was a post from an lnternet chat board...

Now, the two men that you saw in the video...

Now, we got what we came for. Let's get the fuck out of here.

NUN: Of course. So...

O ee o ee o

O ee o ee o

O ee o ee o

O ee o ee o

Of Cock Knocker!

Of course I like snakes.

Of course.

Of course.

Of motherfuckers we don't even know...

Of people who are joining Spartacus's here boycott.

Of the comic you two were the basis for.

Of the hitchhiking ghouls.

Of the movie?

Of the stores, we get thrown into County.

OFFlCER: Let's go. Let's go.

OFFlCER: Sir...

Oh, bring it back, bring it back, bring it back

Oh, but I think it is.

Oh, God, this is the last thing I need

Oh, God, yes.

Oh, hey, remember. We meet back here when you're done.

Oh, Hollywood, huh? That's a long ways away.

Oh, I bet she was a lucky girl.

Oh, I'm not from around here.

Oh, ifmoping around over some boy

Oh, it was a frame up, Jay.

Oh, it's for the best cause, ma cherie the cause of love.

Oh, Jesus! Ow!

Oh, look at that gay huddle. Look at that gay dog.

Oh, look at the monkey!

Oh, Marshal. Hey, you awake?

Oh, my God, I'm paralyzed!

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Don't tell me you have no idea...

Oh, my goodness

OH, nice parenting.

Oh, of course they don't. Only skeevy stoners fart.

Oh, shit! What up?

Oh, shit.

Oh, sweet irony!

Oh, that does it.

Oh, what a lovely tea party.

Oh, what, this?

Oh, when only those as super smart as me...

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, you really don't want to help us.

Oh, you the executive producer!

Oh! Oh, my God.

Oh. OK.

Oh. Since you put it that way, you bet your ass I would.

Oh. Sorry.

Oh. Uh, sorry, everyone.

Ohh.

OK, this is about Bluntman and Chronic right here.

OK.

OK. Play it cool, hotshot.

On a cloud ofsight I drift in the night

On Moviepoopshoot.com...

On some website is none of my fucking concern!

On the lnternet for starters.

On the lnternet for starters.

On their adaptation of underground comic fave...

On your knees

On your knees, Texas Pete. Let's go!

Once we get to Hollywood and find those Miramax

Once we get to Hollywood and find those Miramax fucks...

One we're walkin', talkin' bad girl cliches!

One rectal breach comin' up.

Only on the outside.

Ooh ooh

Ooh ooh ooh

Ooh, check that shit out, man, the lnternet.

Ooh, I wanna suck youse guys' dicks off...

Opining on what he thinks about Bluntman and Chronic.

Or any other C.L.l.T.ies, please exercise extreme caution.

Or are you going to go Bandit, Reynolds style?

Or Bill and Ted.

Or Dude, you rocked in 'Boys and Girls.'

Or House Party 3.

Or pull out the fuckin' pepper spray or anything.

Or simply C.L.l.T.

Or until she's sleepin'.

Or until she's sleepin'.

Or Yo, those are some good cheese fries.

Orangutan's a member of the great ape family.

Out of their cages, sir.

Out of this hostile environment.

Out there by that van.

Outside tHe store all tHe time?

Over here at the Diamond Exchange.

Ow. Ow. Ow!

Owe ee, owe ee, owe

Owe you some of that proverbial phat cash.

Paid me a shitload of money for Bluntman and Chronic...

Plaschke, Willenholly.

Plaschke. Give me a friggin' break.

Please accept my apologies...

Please?

Poop shoot. Yeah.

Popped on my shoulder and was, like, Listen.

Primate rescue syndicate calling themselves...

Pull up your fucking pants, sir now!

Pumpkin Escobar, Los Angeles Local 305.

PUMPKlN: You askin' me a question like that...

Punch it!

Put that shit in my hand

Put the monkey down and your hands up!

Puttin' a stop to that is the most important thing...

Quiet on the set! Picture's up!

Quote fucking clown shoes, and if they were real...

RADlO: I thought that was a 10 82.

RADlO: Ooh, that Affleck. Backup on the way.

Reach in your pants and pull your cock out, bitch.

Ready?

Real bad!

Really?

Regardless of test scores.

Regardless of what you may have heard...

Remember this fucking face!

Responsible for the fall of the human race.

Ri, Ray and Rirent Rob.

Right about here's...

Right between the sound machine

Right, Brent.

Right, Jussy?

Right, Lunch Box?

Right.

Right. That's right.

Rollin' blunts and smokin'

Rollin' fattys, smokin' blunts

Roswell style.

RUN DMC: Unconceivable, unbelievable

Running a big old production...

Sad, pathetic little bastards...

Said Critters of Hollywood, you dumb fuck!

Say it, don't spray it.

Say what, say what

Say what, say what

Say what, say what, oh

Say, would you like a chocolate covered pretzel?

Scene 1 6, take 5.

Scene 37, take one.

Screaming about Morris Day at the top of their lungs.

Second of all, there's not much you can do...

See you in hell, cock smoker!

See, I knocked up this hot woman friend of ours...

See, Jussy and I are putting together this documentary...

See, man? He's lined us up like fuckin' circus seals.

See, that's just mean.

See, Wood says

See?

See? Told you that restraining order was a good idea.

Sent by the Lord, here and abroad

Sexy hitchhiking girls.

Shannen, usually I say cut.

SHANNEN: All right, you bastard. Let's see who you really are.

She has a nice voice, too.

She has a nice voice, too.

Sheep are beautiful creatures.

SHERlFF: And might I add...

Shit, I said you love the cock.

Shit, no. We might have to strike in September.

Shit, yeah. We gots to get paid.

Shit, your name doesn't even fit the rhyme scheme.

Shit!

Shit!

Shit. He's retarded to boot.

Shit. Not on my watch, motherfucker.

Shoop shoop shooby doo wah

Show you

Show you

Shut the fuck up before I shoot you...

Shut up, I'm thinking.

Shut up, Justice. She's just a little embarrassed.

Shut up.

Signed by a Jay and Silent Bob.

Silent Bob even busted his cherry there.

Since Greedo shooting first.

Since he's so fucking in love with you.

Since I was, like, seven and shit.

Since when did they start charging for the bus?

Since you let our patsy slip away, you've gotta convince...

Sir, this was just delivered to the station.

Sittin' in a tree

Skins?

SlNGER: I don't care ifit rains or freezes

SlSSY: lfshe does, it'll be considered necrophilia...

SlSSY: What is wrong with you, Justice?

SlSSY: Yeah, I don't know if that's such a good idea, Jussy.

Smells like somebody shit in their cereal.

Smokin' weed, smokin' wizz

Smooth move, Justice.

Snoogans, I believe it was.

Snoogans.

Snoogans.

So all we gotta do is go stop...

So cute!

So don't be giving me no look like, Oh...

So for all we know, they could already be on the lot.

So get away, OK

So get lost because ljust tossed the poss

So I'm gonna give you some direction.

So I'm not to be all the way gay...

So I'm sure it'll be Ben Affleck and Matt Damon.

So if today's Tuesday, that gives us...

So it occurs to me that people bad mouthing you...

So maybe we should keep it around.

So much so that it prevents him...

So no guys try to grab my shit or anything.

So people stop callin' us names on the lnternet...

So that he can see the fucking stink nuggets.

So that means not even the slightest noise. You got that?

So that means you'd fuck a sheep, right?

So this is Hollywood?

So we decided to go to Hollywood...

So we went to see Holden McNeil...

So what can a smooth pimp daddy like myself...

So when's this movie gettin' made?

So you ready to do this?

So, action, Gus, or...

So, are you going to abide by the court's ruling...

So, here we go. Now, this is the shoot back section.

So, what brings you two dirt merchants...

So, you come around here often?

So, you think I could get a little kiss for good luck?

Something nice.

Something sweet, you big goof.

Sorry to interrupt, sirs...

Sorry, Justice. We gotta go.

Speakin' of lickin' balls, man, how 'bout that Justice chick?

Stage dive!

Start suckin'. Bong ing!

Steal a monkey? Shit, no problem.

Stealing the little monk

Stealing, boning, blowing shit up...

Steve, the tenor of Tinseltown is one of terror today...

STEVE: Ben Affleck and Matt Damon...

Stimulation of the C.L.l.T. is not recommended.

Stop the movie? Are you crazy?

Stopping the flick isn't gonna stop that!

Students Against Animal Cruelty.

Stunt doubles for what?

Suck it in! Think thin! Think thin!

Sure, if you don't make with the head.

Sure.

Taste the booger flavor. I know it's in there.

Tell you what we'll settle this monetarily.

Tell you what. Look over at Silent Bob...

Telling me How to fucking raise you?

Tells us that a posting was pulled off...

Terrifying.

Than the first lifeboat on the Titanic...

Than to actually do it.

Thank you.

Thanks. That means a lot coming from the guy...

That alarm's gonna bring the cops here any minute.

That fuckin' youse guys...

That hot new terrorists Jay and Silent Bob...

That is one fine looking boy you are raising.

That little trout mouth prick like a fish...

That monkey don't belong to you!

That monkey shot me in the ass and paralyzed me!

That movie's going to make some huge bank.

That only stoners laugh at.

THat sHit is tHe mad notes

THat sHit was so gay fucking eigHties style.

That the Federal Wildlife Marshal office persecutes gays.

That they are in control of the C.L.l.T.

That they're hitchhiking girls, either.

That was good. Come on in.

That was just an incredibly daring escape.

That was supposed to be a warning shot.

That way, we can honor her memory.

That we made 'em eat.

That we made them eat. Unquote.

That you motherfuckers are takin' from us.

That you two would be entitled to in the process.

That youse guys are a couple of little fuckholes.

That'll give you plenty of time to work on him.

That's a nice name.

That's all right. I'm a junkie with a monkey.

That's always been the plan, Justice.

That's Banky's deal. He owns the property now.

That's beautiful, man.

That's cool. Even snakes?

That's it, boy. Put the dick down.

That's pretty funny.

That's right.

That's right. Get me a white boy.

That's right. Right.

That's what the lnternet's for slandering others anonymously.

That's what you get for falling in love

The Bluntman and Chronic movie...

The C.L.l.T. is not real.

The C.L.l.T.'s real all right.

The Coalition for Liberation of ltinerant Tree dwellers...

The creator of Bluntman and Chronic.

The director doesn't like to be kept waiting, OK?

The female clitoris?

The fuckin' mack daddys of fuckin' Jersey?

The fuckin' movie from gettin' made.

The gruesome twosome threatened, and I quote...

The important thing here is a fuckin' bunch...

The little kid and the fat guy to take his place.

The lnternet buzz.

The lnternet has given everyone in America a voice...

The lnternet is a communications tool...

The money from the Bluntman and Chronic movie.

The most dangerous animal known to man.

THe motHerfucking Time.

The net nerds are gonna have something negative...

The news is all about Jay, Bob, and your C.L.l. T...

The one with you and him and your relationship?

The only mystery here is why we take our cues...

The only thing I regret is not gutting...

The party's across the street...

The Provasik animal testing facility in Boulder...

The Provasik people say they rounded up...

The white man stole it. That's right.

Their dirty little hands on.

Their son?

Then expletive deleted out our

Then get back on the road...

Then I run the fuck out ofhere...

Then lover boy gets one in the fucking brain.

Then pass me my Wonder Woman Underoos. Ow!

Then sometimes you gotta do the payback picture...

Then sometimes you gotta go back to the well.

Then taste it. Taste it!

Then those fuckers wouldn't be saying shit...

There ain't no snacks here, man.

There are no more lines.

There they are!

There's a few things I could say about the clit...

There's a movie being made...

There's a script?

There's females present. Huh.

There's no boogers in it, sir.

There's no boogers in it, sir.

There's no style you can bust that I can't defend against.

There's not much you can do to stop that.

There's those two fucks from the Mork movie.

These guys are good.

These men are the leaders of a terrorist organization...

These monkey fucks will start wearing our clothes...

They are beautiful, aren't they?

They crashed through a window we believe might be yours.

They didn't really steal that monkey.

They don't deserve their own movie.

They don't?

They go by the obvious code names of Jay and Silent Bob.

They said Jay and Silent Bob. They used our real names.

They take the heat off of us long enough...

They're fucking clown shoes. Mmm.

They're going to Hollywood.

They're gonna do it.

They're in Utah. Citizens of Utah...

They're just gonna tag along for a few miles.

They're not saying anything about you now, OK?

They're shootin' a movie around here?

They're talking about Bluntman and Chronic.

They're talking about fictional characters.

They've gotta break into Provasik now.

Think I can get a little blow job for good luck?

Think the real Jay and Silent Bob...

Thinkin' of whippin' your dick out...

This dopey bitch ordered a large plain...

This guy will suck your dick off if you let us go.

This has got to be the Bluntman flick.

This is a site populated by militant movie buffs

This is Brent.

This is entitled Fuck Them Up Their Stupid Asses.

This is Jay and Silent Bob.

This is Jussy's monkey.

This is where the people who read the news...

This isn't fair!

This place licks balls compared to the Quick Stop.

This shit fucks you up like Percocet.

This sucks balls, man.

This was a good idea, Lunch Box.

THis'll keep tHe sun out of your eyes.

Three days to stop that fuckin' stupid movie...

Throw Brent out of the van?

Tickets?

Time to shine. Let's go.

To be in my movie?

To bitch about movies and share pornography with one another.

To give me a little insight into the Southern colonies!

To give Provasik a piece of our minds.

To hang out in front of a convenience store...

To him years ago.

To make up for all the shit...

To my neck of the woods?

To one more of those stupid songs...

To prescribe a remedy

To say about it.

To school every morning for free?

To stop Jay from throwing him out.

To stop studios from making films about 'em...

To teenagers and guys who can't even get laid.

To the liberal media...

To these fuckin' hateful sons of bitches...

To top it off, you got your own monkey.

To transfer the concept to another medium.

To use that voice to bitch about movies.

Together.

Took your characters and turned them...

Toss the salad.

Touchy feely picture you're gonna do this week.

Tranked by a little monkey!

Truce?

Turn the shit off

Two sucker punchin' little bitches.

Two unauthorized on the lot, requesting backup.

Type this shit down.

Uh huh.

Uh huh. They all made it in, but I failed the exam.

Uh huh. You'll do it or you're out of the gang, Justice.

Uh uh.

Uh uh. I don't hear you complaining nightly.

Uh, Biggs and Van Der Beek are on the set, Chaka.

Uh, Brent, can I talk to you over here for a second?

UH, tHe fat one's watcHing tHe little one.

Uh, they start this Friday.

Uh, three by my count, but close.

Uh, two packs of wraps.

Uh, yeah, they're in here.

Uh, yeah.

Uh, you guys want anything from inside?

Uhh!

Uhh...

Um, is he gonna be OK?

Um, no, Holden McNeil.

Um, no, me and Jason Biggs are naked in here butt naked.

Um...snootchie bootchies?

Un fuckin' believable.

Unh, unh

Unh, unh.

Until I got high

Until I got high

Up my brown eye and bam!

Used the world over, where people can come together...

Used to call attention away from the real heist...

Useless little ape.

Very good.

W what's with the weird gay huddle going on over there?

Wait a minute. Who are you guys?

Wait a sec. What money?

Wait a sec. You follow the book, too?

Wait a second.

Wait a second. We'll be right back.

Wait for me.

Wait, wait, none of that.

Wait! No!

Wait. ls that...

Wake up, Marshal.

Wanted for the abduction of a little monkey.

Was blunt tastic.

Was the focus of an attack by a terroristic...

Watch the language, little boy.

We ain't gonna steal the monkey and shit.

We all gotta grow up sometime.

We are going to open fire.

We believe that was just a diversionary tactic...

We came to Hollywood, I fell in love.

We can find

We can start lookin' for the monkey.

We could ever do.

We couldn't hang around the Quick Stop no more...

We don't know what we're doing. We didn't read the script.

We don't smoke pot, yo.

We got a report of two guys...

We got about two hours before we get to Boulder.

We gotta find a motherfucker in the know

We gotta get to Hollywood.

We gotta play this just right.

We had a deal with you on the comics, remember...

We have one more day to stop these fucks...

We met a few weeks back. I'm the executive producer.

We needed Brent, Justice. He was our patsy, remember?

We were setting you up to be a patsy...

We'd get busted by the cops or something.

We'll just find someone else.

We're goin' to Hollywood.

We're going down to the station.

We're gonna fuck your mothers while you watch...

We're gonna make them eat our expletive deleted

We're gonna make them eat our shit...

We're in the middle of suburbia, Chrissy.

We're just, uh, trying to take our son...

We're mackin' some chick and shit, and she's, like...

We're not from around here.

We've discovered that the C.L.l.T...

We've got a mystery to solve.

Well, boys, I'm no lawyer, but I think Holden and Banky...

Well, boys, you're rich, in love

Well, fuck that. We gotta put a stop...

Well, great job, sirs. if you'll let us in...

Well, he certainly looks insatiable.

Well, honey, you should be.

Well, I don't see 'em!

Well, if we were gay, that's the way I'd see it.

Well, it's not like it's a bad thing.

Well, it's not my way, but I'll be damned...

Well, maybe he just has manners.

Well, short of showing up at all their houses...

Well, that's good to hear.

Well, then lights, camera, action, Jay and Silent Bob.

Well, there's a line, and on this side of it, we ain't gay.

Well, this fuckin' blows, man.

Well, to have these fucks stop talking shit about us...

Well, to have these fucks stop talking shit about us...

Well, wait a second.

Well, we want something for our mental anguish.

Well, we'll wait out here till you clean up.

Well, what brings you all the way out here?

Well, you can't exclude an animal...

Well, you picked us up, didn't you?

Well, you're in love.

Well, your plan worked.

Well...

Well...that was just another paean to male adolescence...

What am l, blind?

What are we gonna do?

What are we waiting for? Action!

What are you guys, like a cover band or something?

What are you, fucking retarded?

What book?

What buzz?

What have I been telling you?

What is your damage, little boy?

What Jay and Silent Bob even look like...

What kind of deal?

What more could two guys from Jersey possibly want?

What response do you hope to elicit...

What service?

What the fuck am I supposed to call you, then?

What the fuck are we gonna do now?

What the fuck are you bitches babbling about?

What the fuck are you talkin' about?

What the fuck are you waiting for?

What the fuck do you think it means?

What the fuck is that?

What the fuck is the lnternet?

What the fuck you lookin' at?

What the fuck you waitin' for, bitch?

What the fuck?

WHat tHe Hell are you singing?

What the hell are you talking about?

WHat tHe Hell?

What up, homies?

What with all that money you guys made.

What you gonna do

What, am I producing an A&E biography about them?

What, Chasing Amy? That'd never work as a movie.

What, go after the monkey?

What, man, we ain't hiding in the woods no more.

What, you don't know fuckin' Jay and Silent Bob?

What, you never did one of these?

WHat?

What? it's not like cheating. Justice blew up.

What? Since when?

What? The market research says people love monkeys.

What'd I say? What'd I tell you?

What's it gonna be, Sissy?

What's the next one say?

WHat's tHe worst fucking tHing tHat could Happen to you...

What's twistin' this bitch's tit?

What's up now?

What's up with Pacey stealing Joey away from you?

What's with the knife? We having cake or something?

When I corner him, I'll call for backup.

When I was talkin' to her...

When it comes down to business...

When said property was optioned by Miramax Films...

When the fuck can your servant...

When you're right, you're right.

When you're sick ofholding it back

When's gonna be my time?

Where are the stars of this piece of shit?

Where are you boys from?

Where the angel's supposed to show up...

Where they're shooting this movie...

Where you two got married to each other.

Where's our motherfucking movie check?

Wherever you see clit, you'll see this fucking face.

Whew. [Sighs]

Which fighting style do you want me to kick your ass in?

Which is made up of our expletive deleted

Which sucks ass 'cause it's been like...

WHo does He fucking tHink He is?

Who gave your comic away, and now you don't get...

Who I fuck on the side...

Who is makin' the movie...

Who let the cats out, huh?

Who ride horses and like to play golf...

Who smokes the blunts, we smoke the blunts

Who the fuck am l? I'm the director!

Who the fuck are these guys?

Who the fuck are you?

Who the fuck said that shit?

Who the hell are you?

Who the hell are you?

Who was killed in a car explosion's monkey.

Who?

Who's it gonna be, Jussy, him or us?

Who's with me?

Whoa!

Whoa!

Whoa!

Whoa.

Whoo!

Why can't Hollywood ever make a decent comic book movie?

Why do they call you Cock Knocker?

Why do you think people pick us up?

Why doesn't one of you come sit next to me?

Why don't you do that? I'll be right here waitin'.

Why in God's name would I wanna keep writing...

Why the fuck did you let that little stoner...

Why the fuck didn't you tell me?

Why the fuck would you do a thing like that?

Why the hell are you shooting at me?

Why the hell else do you think I became...

Why wouldn't Miramax option his other comic instead...

Why, man?

Why, man?

Why, man?

Why, man?

Why, man?

Why, man?

Why, man?

Why, man?

Why?

Why? Because we may very well be dealing...

Why? Because we may very well be dealing...

WHy? WHat'd tHey do now?

Will be left alive to bitterly cry...

Will you fuck me when you get out?

With a vengeance, and now l've read shit...

With almost no mention of the diamond heist.

With tales of prejudice and bigotry...

With that Russian chick like in the movie?

With the chick magnet net handle Wompa One...

With the two most dangerous men on the planet.

With words that were thought they could retort

WlLLENHOLLY: All right, gang.

WlLLENHOLLY: Shit! Shit! Shit!

WlLLENHOLLY: Wow!

WOMEN: Hi, Brent.

Word, bitch. Phantoms' like a motherfucker.

Worth a shot.

Would any of y'all like a private audition...

Would you fuck a sheep if you were another sheep?

Wow!

Wow. Three guys, four girls. What's the count, boys?

Written by God herself...

Yaaah!

Yeah

Yeah, 'cause I got high

Yeah, 'cause I got high

Yeah, 'cause I got high

Yeah, 'cause I got high

Yeah, 'cause I got high

Yeah, 'cause I'm high

Yeah, and forego the hundreds of thousands of dollars...

Yeah, boy!

Yeah, but we ain't gay.

Yeah, but what happens when they pick you up...

Yeah, for Joey, man. She is too fine.

Yeah, I didn't want to blow our cover.

Yeah, I do remember the class...

Yeah, I frosted my hair, but it looks good.

Yeah, I know it's sad, man...

Yeah, look, I need you to get me on the national news pronto.

Yeah, man, you a tracer, OK?

Yeah, o ee o ee o

Yeah, right. Jersey represent.

Yeah, see? [Mutters]

Yeah, sis, but it was better than Mallrats.

Yeah, sure.

Yeah, we're gay...

Yeah, well, in prison, he'll be the pie.

Yeah, well, once they made She's All That...

Yeah, what?

Yeah, yeah

Yeah, yeah, yeah

Yeah, you're doubling me, obviously.

Yeah?

Yeah? That means you're gonna fuck me, right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. A while ago. So?

Yeah. Fuck, we steal monkeys all the time.

Yeah. Hey, if it'll get me...

Yeah. Hi, I'm Banky Edwards...

Yeah. Thank God you picked us up.

Yes, good call

Yes, yes

Yes, you sirs.

Yet can't stop discussing.

Yo, baby, you ever have your asshole licked...

Yo, bitch fist!

Yo, fuck 'em

Yo, fuck you, you fucking square!

Yo, how was the service?

Yo, I hope one rips off the other one's shirt...

Yo, just open the door!

Yo, man, did you really get to third base...

Yo, man, I'm hungry. Where can we get some breakfast?

Yo, Marvelous Pizza coming thr hey!

Yo, maybe you can help us out. You know where...

Yo, my name is Afroman, and I'm from East Palmdale

Yo, she called you retarded.

Yo, this motherfucker ain't one of us!

Yo, yo, fuck the police

Yo, youse guys wanna Hear sometHing fucked up...

Yo!

Yo!

You

You actually watch that show?

You all are the ones who are the ball lickers.

You all right, Boo Boo Kitty Fuck?

You are a tracer, OK?

You are free to leave, sirs.

You are in breach of the original contract.

You are not upstaging me, Van Der Beek.

You are so gay.

You are the ones who are ball lickers.

You be good, now.

You can't just leave 'em here like this.

You can't take it back.

You could always tell that stupid Amy story all the time...

You could say that.

You couldjust buy your own now...

You did?

You do remember where we're going, don't you?

You don't know Jungle Love?

You don't want to rub the C.L.l.T. the wrong way.

You dudes gettin' on medical out there in Jersey yet?

You frosted your hair, though.

You get a little, but it's never enough

You get my back.

You get the charges dropped against Jay and Silent Bob...

You got a pretty car

You got a sick and twisted world perspective.

You gotta do the safe picture, then you do the art picture.

You gotta give the driver a little incentive.

You gotta go from the heart, yo.

You guys are gonna ruin my movie career.

You guys look pretty badass.

You have friends in the FBl?

You haven't even heard about yet.

You heard about that, huh? I got nothing to do with it.

You know what I say.

You know what I'm talking about?

You know what they make you do in County?

You know what? I feel for you boys, I really do.

You know where Miramax is at?

You know, it a Jay and Silent Bob movie?

You know, Justice died trying to save this monkey...

You know, Lunch Box, she could be the one.

You know, she didn't tell me to fuck off once...

You know, they put them in a bunch of movies.

You know, those kids from Good Will Hunting.

You know, with all the money we're making, man...

You live by the Book, too?

You love that shit, don't you?

You mean Shannon? No.

You mean that fucking movie with Mork from Ork in it?

You mean tHe guys in tHat Prince movie?

You mind if I leave that... there?

You on the job?

You once were, just itching to vent your frustrations.

You reached out, and you touched a brother heart.

You really let me down, Justice. Throwing it all away...

You remembered!

You see me driving down the street

You see something? See anything?

You see, kids, if you read Wizard...

You see? it's never it's never...

You should have just let these guys go down, Jussy.

You sure you're OK with this?

You take 'em out biggety bam no movie.

You the gals that ordered the pizza?

You the man, sir.

You think Fat Albert had a tracer? No!

You thought I'd never find...

You trace. You go around the lines.

You used to be all about this girl stuff

You went to film school, didn't you?

You were legally obliged to secure our permission...

You?

You'd be back in here regurgitating Gordon Wood.

You'd be willing to do that?

You'd know that it's the top story this month.

You're a true artist, Gus.

You're always like, Oh, that's gay, man.

You're crushing on is growing up...

You're gonna love this. True story.

You're gonna tell me the monkey's gay.

You're just no longer that good...Will Hunting.

You're like a child. What do I keep telling you?

You're my fuckin' bitch.

You're no match for my Shao Lin Monk.

You're raising there.

You're the guy who makes the blueprints.

You've got the wrong guys! Doesn't anybody watch the WB?

You've taught me so much.

Your buddy's right here.

Your C.L.l.T. doesn't stand a chance.

Your friends, huh? Where they at?

Your office faxed this over.

Your precious Blunt cave, did you, Hempknight?

Your shit is so tired, Justice.

Youse guys need to turn those frowns upside down.

Zoinks, yo.

1 , 2, 3!

1, 2, 1, 2, 3, 4

[Beeping] Ha ha.

[Door chimes] Thank you.

[Gunshot] Oh...God.

[Gunshot] What the fuck?!

[Pbbt] Fucking Miramax. Cut!

[Tires screech] Watch it!

A little Venus Flytrap? l'll counter with Dragon Queen.

a.k.a. Ray. Jay. Fuck!

Aah! Aah!

Ahem. [Crowd noise starts]

All right! [Screaming]

And two because you're a man! Aah!

Bob. Right.

Bye bye. Bye bye.

Chuckie? Yeah?

Dude! Whoa!

Fucker! Easy, tigress.

Half? Half's not good enough? Fine.

He's got a point. Fuck him.

Honest lnjun. [Mocking] Honest lnjun.

I'm haunted by it! You put your dick in a pie.

I'm not gonna do it. Why the fuck not?

I'm on it. Chrissy, no.

l got it. Good.

l miss dating a lesbian. [Ring]

l think they passed out. Great.

Lemon face. BOTH: Ooh.

Let's shoot. Wait a sec.

Lion face. BOTH: Ha!

Lion face. BOTH: Ha!

lt's Banky. No, it is Fucky.

Mat mat mat L L lum

Mat mat mat L L lum

Mat mat mat Lip la

Mat mat meal Ma ma ma, ma ma ma ma

Nice going, four eyes. Ow!

No, we're cool. No? OK.

NUN: Whoa! [Thud]

Oh, I will. Girls.

Oh. Are you OK?

Ow! [Gunshots and screaming]

Ow! Ow!

Shut the fuck up. Yes, sir.

So we can just go? Yes, sir.

Suck it in! Gaah!

Tell 'em, Steve Dave. Would you stop saying that?

The ape. What?

Think about the paycheck. OK.

What the heck is that? What's what?

Whoa! [Screeching]

Whoa! Wow.

Whoo! Ow!

Whoo! Yeah! Whoo hoo!

Yeah, but Why are you such a homophobe?

Yeah. Let's go.

You spit in this? l didn't spit in it, sir.

'Bluntman and Chronic' is the worst comic I ever read.

'cause for the lift and shit.

'Cause I wasn't with a hooker today. Ha ha!

'Cause I'm gonna blast that flick on the lnternet tonight.

'Cause I'm high

'Cause I'm high

'Cause I'm high

'Cause I'm high

'cause if they're all fucked up...

'cause of the restraining order...

'cause your friend says you owe him.

[Alarm blares]

[All laugh]

[Banging on door]

[Beeps, clicks, buzzes]

[Beeps]

[Bell rings]

[Bell rings]

[Bell rings]

[Bell rings]

[Both laugh]

[Both whistling]

[Brakes screech]

[Bubbling]

[Bubbling]

[Bubbling]

[Buzzes]

[Cacophony of animal noises]

[Carriage squeaks]

[Cheering]

[Cheering]

[Choir singing]

[Choir singing]

[Chuckles]

[Chuckles]

[Chuckles]

[Chuckles] Yeah, right. That's a believable scenario.

[Clucks]

[Cow moos]

[Cow moos]

[Cracks neck]

[Debris clattering]

[Deep laughter]

[Distorted] We are the C.L.l. T. None ofyou are safe.

[Door chimes]

[Fart]

[Farts]

[Farts]

[Feedback]

[Gasping]

[Grunting softly]

[Guitar crunches musically]

[Gunshot on computer]

[Gunshot]

[Honking]

[Horn buzzing]

[Horn honking]

[Horn honks]

[Horn honks]

[Jay clears throat]

[Justice laughs]

[Laughs]

[Laughs]

[Laughs] Don't make me shoot you, Justice.

[Laughter]

[Life's Been Good by Joe WalsH playing]

[lnhales] Thought so.

[lnhaling]

[Monkey grunting]

[Monkeys screeching]

[Mooby the Golden Calf plays indistinctly]

[Mouse button clicks]

[Music playing]

[Music plays quietly]

[Music stops]

[Music stops]

[Panting]

[Pbbt]

[Pbbt]

[Pbbt]

[Pbbt]

[Police radio squawking]

[Quietly] Jay and Justice

[Razzes]

[Razzes]

[Razzes]

[Ruff ruff ruff]

[Scoffs] I'm down with this because I love animals, stupid.

[Screaming]

[Screaming]

[Sighs]

[Sirens blaring]

[Sniffs]

[Squeaking]

[Stops screaming] Hey!

[Telephone rings]

[Thud]

[Thunder]

[Thunder]

[Tires screech]

[Tires squeal]

[Yelling]

$70 million, I can't even get a black grip.