Meet the Spartans (2008) Edit

A god king did fall.

A little to the right.

A Spartan always protects another man's rear.

A Transformer cube!

Aah!

Actually, I'm, I'm not into Heroes.

Adjust your sword, boy.

Adult diapers?

Ah

Ah (laughs)

Ah ooh!

Ah ooh! Ah ooh! Ah ooh!

Ah, good.

Ah.

Al Gore accuses her of global warming, dawg.

All in favor...

All you have to do is bow down to me...

ALL: Aye! Aye! Aye! Aye! Aye! Aye! Aye! Aye

ALL: Damn!

ALL: Grumble, grumble, grumble

ALL: Haawoo!

ALL: Hyah! What?

ALL: Ooh!

ALL: Yeah!

Am I right? See what I'm talking about?

Ancient prophets...

And has set his sights on his final conquest

And he's my only son...

And I will give you anything you desire.

And I'm not talking about you, Paula.

And if I come back on it, I want you to move on.

And if the baby...

And if you don't like it...

And life in the land of Sparta was good.

And my reputation is all I have, and for you to sit here...

And offers these...

And on and on and on and on Ugh.

And open mouth tongue kisses for the men.

And tell of our tale.

And that cute toga wearing guy named Chad.

And the army is quite impressive, as you can imagine.

And the boy that was cast into the wild...

And the captain's, like, If you look out the window...

And they're real, too.

And thus, Dilio blindly led the Spartans...

And tip them...

And West Hollywood.

And what do you desire?

And you guess who. (laughs)

And you just pop 'em in your mouth.

And you will be stripped of your crown.

And you're laughing at me?

And, like, Clean up on aisle three.

And, uh...

Another plane? Right?

Antonio?

Anything?

Are you still thinking about what that young oracle said?

As long as you Spartan men build his pyramids...

At the Palms Hotel and Casino!

Attack!

Aw, damn, cuz!

Aw, shit!

BABY (Scottish accent): Ah. Are you my mama?

Back off, hideous creature.

Back to the hood!

Because I can't read.

Because when the going gets tough...

Before this battle is over...

Besides, I'm already registered on J Date.

Bitch, lose some weight!

Boner alert. Boner alert.

Borat?

BOTH: Yes!

Bounce some D's on that bitch!

Bow down to me or you will die.

Bow down to me.

Bow down to the great god king...

BOY: No!

Bring in my vast army.

BRITNEY: # Go, come on, now, uh! #

But a better friend... there is none.

But enough about your career as a hair stylist...

But I am not Double

But I beg to differ.

But I do bend over.

But I suffer from premature eja

But I'm not wearing my sword.

But in order to win their vote...

But one day you will grow to be big and strong...

But she still poops, which is weird.

But unfortunately, right on them.

But we now have 100,000 soldiers!

But you'll remember it...

But your journey ends here.

But...

By the time I'm finished with you...

Bye, sexy.

Can't sleep.

Captain, have the men found any other trails...

CAPTAIN: He has a lot of heart, my king.

CAPTAIN: I'm sure you would...

CAPTAIN: My son.

CAPTAIN: Onward! Keep dancing, boys!

Captain.

Carry on then.

Catch your breath.

Charging rhinos, stampeding elephants...

Check out our buns.

Cherries.

Chest waxer says what?

Come and get them!

Come back with your shield...

Come on, baby. I'm gettin' a chubby.

Come on, man, can we talk about this?

Come on, man, I could hook you up.

Come on, you little shit! Come on!

Come to accept your surrender.

Come, messenger, let us walk.

Cut it out! This isn't funny!

Cute, huh?

Damn that Paris Hilton.

Damn!

Dance them to the cliffs!

Dawg, your wife's a ho.

Deal...

Destined to carry on my name.

Died for honor...

Dilio...

Dinaladas, do

Dingledangle, do...

Do not be swayed by the words of this common prick tease...

Don't you hate when you're in the supermarket...

Don't you hate when you're on an airplane, you know...

Done.

Doo doo!

Dookie Spice!

Dot Dingalidas, Dingalidas...

Douche bag says what?

Dust busting bitch! No!

Eat from them...

ELLEN DeGENERES: Hi. How are you, Leonidas?

Endured starvation.

Enough of this gratuitous video game violence!

Equipped with advanced alien technology.

Even if the oracle doesn't support you, I do.

Even Leonidas believed...

Every man you see.

Everything!

Eww!

Excellent work, my king.

Exfoliator with alpha hydroxy.

Fight with your head:

Fo' shizel my nizzel.

Follow me, boys.

For a weekend getaway for two...

For any Spartan!

For glory.

For my massive Persian army.

For Portia on Friday nights.

For today is the day you die!

For tonight, we dine...

Formation!

Free society here.

From a geriatric donkey.

From every corner of his empire...

From Knight Rider.

Gatorade. Is it in you?

Gentlemen, our only hope for survival...

Get her, Dilio!

Get what?

Ghost Rider!

Give him the pile driver, honey.

Give me your hand.

Give the order, Captain.

Go for it.

Go to war with Persia and you will surely die.

Go!

God, that's a shitty plan.

Good boy. Who's a good boy?

Good bye, Father.

Good bye, virginity.

Good councilmen...

Good luck, Dilio.

Good. We'll head south to the Hot Gates...

Greetings, Leonidas.

Greetings, messenger.

Grotesque swine, their consult came with a bribe.

Grotesque swine, their consult came with a bribe.

Ha! You missed.

Haawoo!

Halt skipping!

Hang on a minute.

Have to always get on my back for everything.

Have you assembled my army who are ready...

Have you seen my video?

He can outflank us now, my king.

He doesn't like big butts!

He is a god king.

He looked a lot like that fat guy from Borat.

He looks like a Ken doll!

He loves 'em. Don't you, baby!

He sent his most vicious warriors to fight.

He told me to move on.

He was backing down.

He was tortured, taught to show no pain.

He wed Margo, and she bore him a fine son.

He's deployed thousands of Persian soldiers...

He's got a huge package.

He's offering...

Hello, Leonidas. (laughs)

Hello?

Hello?

Help! Help!

Here, here.

Hey, hey, hey, it's cool, it's cool.

Hi yah!

Hi... yah!

High five!

Hot bods...

How about Who Sneezed? (laughs)

How bad are your injuries?

How did you feel about that kick?

How will I be tried...

How you like me now, Sandman?

Huh?

Hunky with deep Mediterranean tans...

I I mean they die.

I am gonna go Hercules on your ass!

I am the emissary to the great god king Xerxes...

I am the great god king Xerxes.

I bow for no man!

I brought you some fudge. Mom said that you like to pack it.

I call 'em milk poppers.

I can see by your

I can still fight!

I can't remem

I come over here with a big army.

I did not.

I don't

I don't bow.

I don't know what happened, man.

I don't like the way you handle a spear.

I get it.

I got this entire outfit in an alleyway from a Mexico woman.

I had to buy a million and one glitters...

I I I just

I I'd wear something very similar...

I implore you.

I know where I'm at.

I look like Jabba the Hutt.

I mean, did Tony get whacked or live or what?

I mean, even Tinkerbell's affected by it.

I meant to do that. (chuckles)

I need your guidance.

I promise you, you're not going to enjoy this.

I remember when my father used to beat me.

I see Leonidas is molding our future king of Sparta...

I shall never forget you.

I think he's fierce.

I thought the kick...

I want my record expunged.

I want throwing up to be fun.

I want to fight for you, my king.

I want to get this hump removed.

I wanted 300.

I was just doing my shoe!

I will see to it that you are...

I will set...

I won't be queen?

I would never.

I, I wasn't really feelin' you on that kick, dawg.

I'll do anything...

I'll do whatever it takes.

I'll just tell Xerxes it's a no go.

I'll tell you, kid, you got balls.

I'm 'bout to make you my bitch, Leonidas.

I'm a Hilton.

I'm a responsible adult.

I'm assembling an army of 300 to go to war with Persia.

I'm evil.

I'm getting everybody.

I'm going to take them in the rear.

I'm gonna knock your block off.

I'm gonna set Katie free.

I'm in aisle three, huh? Right?

I'm Leonidas.

I'm not as stupid as I look!

I'm so getting laid!

I'm sorry, but we cannot use you.

I've always wanted to do a fat chick.

I've always wanted to go there!

If any imperfections were found...

If Leonidas fails, Xerxes will take over...

If the Persians found it, they could outflank you.

If you can dodge a golf ball, you can dodge a sword.

If you don't agree to send the rest of our army.

In fact, I've seen better kicks...

In Las Vegas, Nevada...

In the court of public opinion?

Inte that I'm not intenni

Introductions?

Is to surrender to Xerxes and beg for his forgiveness.

Is Wookiee!

It looks like backstage at an Elton John concert!

It sent an all too human chill up his spine.

It was all that, You're going to jail.

It was just all right for me, dawg.

It will be as though you never existed.

It's no nothing

It's a a beautiful death.

It's a real easy game.

It's a visual effect.

It's actually not that attractive.

It's cold!

It's cool, cool. I'm fine.

It's digging into my back.

It's going to be digitally inserted later.

It's just been really confusing.

It's just like breast milk, but it's fried.

It's my dream to be a Spartan.

It's not fair!

It's okay: I have crabs.

It's the same reaction anyone who went to see Mr. Wrong had.

It's this whole Battle of Thermopylae thing.

It's time to consult with the prophets.

It's Two fer Tuesday.

Jeremy has the spare.

Just as Lindsay Lohan was leaving rehab... again.

Just listen to my deal.

K Fed ain't havin' it, yo.

K Fed, come back to me, please!

Kick his ass in.

King Leonidas, this is my son, Sonio.

King Leonidas!

Kool Aid comes out!

Ladies!

Lay down your weapons!

Leave Britney alone!

Leg squats, and then you will be a star...

Leonidas and the Spartans...

Leonidas needs more troops.

Leonidas was sent into the wild...

LEONIDAS: No mercy!

LEONIDAS: Walk it off.

Leonidas.

Leonidas...

Leonidas...

Let us talk by the giant pit of death.

Let's battle!

Let's celebrate!

Let's just dance, shall we? Come on.

Let's show 'em why we're national champs...

Lick my snowballs.

Like your father.

Listen, chill out.

Listen, I don't know why you're so upset.

Listen, Leo, I came here to talk.

Little Miss Sunshine!

Look at me I'm booby feeding my baby.

Look at this.

Look, it's all there for you to see!

Look...

Love the... diaper.

Loyalist said you wanted to see me.

Loyalist, what do you want?

Made of sand.

Madness?

Making Nikes.

MALE NARRATOR: In the land of Sparta...

MALE SINGER: # Real men of genius! #

Man, come on.

MAN: # Oh, yeah! #

Marco!

Marry me?

MEN: Yeah! Yeah!

Men!

Mm hm.

Mmm!

Mmm.

Mom!

Move me.

Move out!

Mr. Warmongering Latent Homosexual.

Must learn to take a hit.

My ass hurt! Oh!

My God!

My husband is dead.

My husband needs me.

My king!

My king.

My king.

NARRATOR: As the Spartans kicked major ass...

NARRATOR: Leonidas was true to his word.

NARRATOR: Queen Margo unleashed a venomous rage...

NARRATOR: The ancient prophets were advisers to the king.

NARRATOR: The fearless Spartans...

NARRATOR: The prophets chose only the most beautiful...

NARRATOR: Xerxes didn't take rejection well.

NARRATOR: Xerxes.

Never give up! Never surrender!

Nice tomatoes.

Nice.

No blood will be shed...

No mayo?

No Spartan goes to war...

No, I'm talking about their actual swords, Nicole.

No, no, no. (groaning)

No, they haven't.

No, you acknowledged me as your god king.

No!

No!

No!

No! No!

No. No. No.

None, sir.

Not again! That always happens.

Nothing!

Nothing.

Nothing. Just some guys with swords.

Now eat my penguin asshole. (penguin farting repeatedly)

Now go, Dilio.

Now you can get out of jail.

Now you're going back to jail.

Of sending more troops... say aye.

Of Spartan girls to be their oracle.

Oh

Oh

Oh

Oh

Oh (groans)

Oh (sputters)

Oh, and I want that new Chanel purse.

Oh, go (bleep) yourselves!

Oh, God! Oh! Oh, my God.

Oh, hey, Nicole.

Oh, isn't that sweet.

Oh, it smells!

Oh, it's, uh it's just a scratch, my king.

Oh, my eyes!

Oh, Neutrogena.

Oh, no, you didn't.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

Oh, please, take a hike.

Oh, we about to stomp the yard.

Oh, we got a penguin pinned down!

Oh, what a bunch of dumb shits.

Oh, yeah, you're done eating for the day.

Oh, you ate an almond?

Oh!

Oh! My ass!

Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh!

Oh. Oh, Oxy 10.

Oh... cute.

Oh... Simon

Oh... thanks very much.

Okay, baby, let's transform.

Okay, boys, make it rain!

Okay, Portia, Portia, women, women, women.

Okay, that's cool.

Okay.

Okay. And then let's go to Pinkberry.

On the Spice Girls, her name would be...

Ooh, ah! Ooh, ah!

Ooh, ooh.

Ooh!

Ooh! Oh!

Ooh.

Ooh.

Or no deal?

Ow, ow, ow!

Paris Hilton?

Peaceful alternatives to war.

People will know...

Persians, huh!

Persians!

Pile driver?

Please? I'll let you under my skirt.

PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH: Look, Leonidas...

Putz are no match...

QUEEN MARGO: Spartan!

QUEEN MARGO: There better be a happy ending.

Queen Margo.

Queen Margo...

Reached the Hot Gates...

Ready to fight for you, my king!

Real Men of Genius.

Really?

Red eyes glowing like the fires of hell.

Remember this day, boys!

Remember, Son: A warrior...

Returned a king!

Reveal yourself, creature.

Right? Yeah, what's up, Leonidas?

Rosie O'Donnell wouldn't even date her.

Rub it all over your disgusting face.

Ryan Seacrest?

Save the cheerleader... save the world.

Say Wassup? to Anna Nicole for me.

Says this movie is just a cheap rip off of 300.

See? Was that that difficult?

Shaq?

She has a great personality.

She hasn't moved since Saturday.

She's a good woman.

Shit!

Shit! Do I look crazy to you?

Shit! I'm stuck!

Sign my rack?

Simon?

Slow your roll, Captain.

So this Butt's for you, King Leonidas...

Sometimes I like to give him fried milk.

Sonio!

Sorry, I didn't hear what you said...

Sparta will be annihilated.

Sparta will fall...

Sparta.

SPARTANS (chanting): We are the Spartans.

SPARTANS: # Oh, no, not I #

SPARTANS: Haawoo! Haawoo!

Spartans!

Spartans!

Spartans!

Spartans!

Specifications.

Spidey, you're fired.

Stay tough, Son.

Stays in Vegas.

Stop, drop and roll!

Stupid.

Super fingers to you.

Sure, there's danger

Take a knee.

Take care of your mother.

Take it!

Take the deal!

Take this, Granny!

Tastes like asparagus.

Tell how 13 Spartans fought for honor...

Tell me, Mr. Bond...

Tell Xerxes...

Telling me that I'm not intennigent

Th This is all day protection.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thanks, Dad.

That cover their ta tas.

That dying in battle is the greatest honor...

That even a god king can fall.

That is how men of Sparta greet one another.

That Taco Bell ain't sittin' right.

That the Persians could use to attack us?

That was the banker.

That'll be here any minute.

That's hot.

That's it!

That's it.

That's just a blue screen.

That's my boy.

That's right. Yeah.

That's what he calls them!

The beast stalks Leonidas...

The combination to my chastity belt.

The elders would inspect them for defects.

The gods blessed me with a spare.

The great Xerxes has taken over the world...

The joke's on them, because they don't know...

The last episode of Sopranos was most disappointing.

The men are ready, my king.

The only language she speaks...

The oracle also said that our painted on abs look fake.

The oracle said if we went to war, we'd be screwed.

The oracle!

The secret path to the Hot Gates...

Then with one hand on the base...

There goes K Fed's cheddar, yo.

There goes my palimony!

There you go, you're getting the hang of it.

There's a secret goat path into the Hot Gates.

There's a secret goat path just above the Hot Gates.

There's only one woman whose words you should listen to.

These are battle formations!

These men will do.

These were the only men who met with your stringent...

They are rock hard.

They number in the millions!

They've turned me into this, like...

Think so, Councilman Traitoro.

Think with your heart.

This has an SPF.

This is a metaphor for my career.

This is bullshit!

This is good for you, Glenn.

This is madness!

This is serious business!

This is Sparta!

This means war!

This seems like... less.

Three years runnin'.

Through the Hot Gates.

To be a man.

To be honest...

To buy back your briefcase...

To fight to the death for the freedom of Sparta?

To funnel the Persians in...

To learn how to survive.

To send more troops to support your husband.

To victory!

To you, Dane Cook!

To your left, you're gonna see another plane?

Today... we stand against 30,000 Persians.

Today... you are truly a Spartan.

Today's the day they die that's what I meant to say.

Tommy Lee?

Totally grotesque monster!

Traditional rites of passage.

Traitoro was a... traitor?

Trust me, I know.

Ugly Betty?

Uh uh! No, you didn't! No, you didn't!

Uh, let's play a game maybe we could play a game.

Uh, not that there's anything wrong with that.

Uh, we got San Francisco...

Uh... y you have a...

Um

Um

Vanilla blended.

Victory is ours, boys!

Walk with me.

War is not the answer. Heh heh.

Was utterly... dreadful.

Was Vietnamese...

We are facing certain death.

We close our eyes and someone sneezes...

We could work it out.

We don't need Sparta. (chuckles)

We get frisky.

We going to shish kebab your ass.

We have you surrounded.

We like chicks with burkas...

We like chicks with burkas...

We may have won the battle, but they will win the war!

We stomp the yard.

We'll use the narrow passageway of the Hot Gates...

Well, Harry Knowles at Ain't It Cool News...

Well, he is not a warrior.

Well, tickle my nipples with a feather.

Well, yo mama titties is smaller than yours.

Well, your sandal is untied.

Whassup, dawg?!

What about Sparta?

What do you think, my king?

What happened to you?

What is it, boy?

What is the account number?

What need you, King Leonidas?

What the hell?!

What What What the hell is so funny?

What, what are you saying to me? I don't understand.

What?

What?

What?

What? He came on to me!

What?!

What?!

What's so damn funny?!

When babies were born...

Where am I?

Where are you going?

Where danger lurked around every corner.

Where do you think you're going?

Where their vast numbers won't count for shit.

Where we'll intercept the Persian army.

Whew!

Who saw Employee of the Month?

Who the hell is Mr. Bond?

Whoa! No!

Why are you s******ing?!

Why did you do that?

Why do y'all think I'm messed up?

Why is he not fighting?

Why is my king so restless?

Why you wanna do me like that?

Will you please just do it? It's really heavy and really hard to keep clean.

With cool mint crystals.

With crabs all up in her coochie.

With his vast Persian army...

With my own money, and I had to buy

With that weak ass shit.

With the council.

Without first consulting...

Without reinforcements, Sparta will fall and

WOMAN (in low, distorted voice): I know such a road, my king.

WOMAN: # I'll survive #

Women, you like women. (laughs)

WOMEN: Hi, Xerxes.

WOMEN: Ooh...

WOMEN: Take the deal! Take it!

Work at sweatshops...

Work it, sister.

Wow, is it hot in here? (laughs)

Written out of the history books.

Xerxes approaches.

Xerxes has found the secret goat path...

Xerxes is a kind god king...

Xerxes watched as his warriors were defeated.

XERXES: This is your final chance.

Xerxes' messenger awaits, my king.

Yeah, I'm hungry. Did you eat?

Yeah!

Yeah!

Yeah!

Yeah!

Yeah.

Yeah. The hump.

Yes, King.

Yes, my king.

Yes, well, that may be the case, but your mama's so hairy...

Yes!

Yes!

Yes! (laughs)

Yes! Yes! Good!

Yes. The freest.

Yo ma

Yo mama's so fat, her pants size is, um, um, um...

Yo mama's so stupid, she thought Tupac Shakur...

Yo mama's so ugly, if she was...

Yo, I just met these dudes right here.

Yo, Sonio.

Yo, yo mama's so fat, that when she farts...

Yo!

You 13...

You are so small now...

You asshole.

You can kiss my fat ass!

You can't beat me.

You could totally use it to defeat Leonidas.

You dead, Leonidas.

You dig?

You got something to say, say it I got things to do.

You greet like women.

You grip the shaft firmly.

You idiots are wearing banana hammocks...

You just had the two.

You just kissed me!