Weird Science (1985) Edit

A challenge.

A missile in my house, Gary!

A missile! A missile!

A very weird,

About 35.

About everything that has happened here this weekend.

Accident, my ass, Gary!

Activate lang trace.

Actually making a girl.

After dinner, why don't we stop by and visit with Wyatt.

Ain't that the truth, baby?

Al, Al! Al, that was Gary!

AL: Oh, Lord God.

Al... Dad. My dad's a plumber. And he's into plumbing.

All right, Chet. How much?

All right, Chet. Name your price.

All right, God damn it! I've heard enough!

All right, this is true. This is true.

All right!

All right?

All the electrical secrets of heaven.

All these girls, they're all there.

All you said was hello to her.

ALL: Hi!

ALL: Party! Party! Party! Party!

An accident? An accident?

And a couple of guys like you deserve them.

And as for your ugly ass, let me tell you something.

And believe me, you do stink.

And called him faggot in front of everybody.

And deal with them in case we can't later.

And go back to Lisa. This is like a dream come true.

And he's not going to bug you anymore, either.

And her body is...

And here's what's going to happen.

And I didn't think it was a whale's dick, honey.

And I want you to shut up.

And I want you to treat Wyatt and Gary with dignity and respect.

And I'm sure by Sunday, you'll think of something.

And it's respect.

And now it's our party,

And pedal your ugly asses out of here.

And quite frankly, they weren't having a very good time at the party.

And right now, I want to party.

And she's so relaxed.

And start hitting people with your Rex Harrison hat.

And talk about how great it would be

And that's what I figured.

And then we'll let you have Deb and Hilly.

And then, we're a hit, man.

And there are hundreds of people here having a great time,

And they fell in love with you.

And they have, like, a different educational system

And this time we're ready. Hey, Fritz?

And we decided to make a woman. And when we did,

And we need a lot more power than this. That's the problem.

And we won't meet any more people.

And we're in the john. We're in the john.

And what did it to me was these big titties she had.

And what did it to me was these big titties she had.

And what happened was that...

And where did you two disappear to?

And why don't you set yourself up with one of them, too.

And you're completely loyal to them?

And you're going to apologize to all these people.

And you're going to get on your bikes

And, gee, well, I want you to know that

And, well, I guess you plumb, right, Dad?

And... It was just, like, tomfoolery.

Anybody with a haircut like that you know is an asshole.

Anyway, get to work.

Are they all right?

Are they dead?

Are you looking at the rpms?

Are you okay?

Ask too many questions about tonight.

Ass.

At the homecoming game, right?

At Towel World! Towel World!

Back to your house and we could all mingle there.

Because I belong to Gary and Wyatt.

Because I get off on it.

Because I want you to like me for what I am.

Before I agreed to sleep over.

Before I knew what I wanted.

Beg your pardon. You have a lovely home.

Belong? What? They make you in the garage with power tools?

Bigger tits. Bigger tits.

Bitch kneed my nuts!

Bitch kneed your nuts?

Bitch. I'm not playing with you. I ain't teasing, man.

Bizarre, vivid, erotic, wet, detailed dream.

Boy ain't lying.

Boy, I wouldn't give a squirt of piss for your ass right now.

Boys?

Breaking windows, making a mess, stinking up the place.

Broke my heart in two.

But first, I'd like to butter your muffin.

But he hung up on her.

But I don't want it in my house.

But I really don't...

But I was! I was! Mom!

But I wouldn't change it.

But I'll tell you one thing, there is a cure.

But I'm not taking any more of this.

But other than that, everything's great.

But other than that, I'm perfect.

But she's so beautiful.

But we are sorry.

But we're not 21, so I think we're gonna...

But what could I do?

But you know nothing's more important to a teenage boy

But...

But...

By the way,

By the way, there's a party tonight at Wyatt's house.

By the way, why are we wearing bras on our heads?

By the way, you're very cute.

Bye!

Bye.

Can I ask you a question?

Can I have some of that, please?

Can we keep this between us?

Can you guys keep a secret?

Cause it's... I like this.

Caviar?

Ceremonial.

Check it out.

Check it out. Check it out.

Check this shit out. Listen to what she did to me.

Chess?

Chet, Chet, Chet, Chet, Chet, that's her nose. Come on.

Chet, I'm sorry, it was an accident.

Chet, just let me find Lisa. She can explain everything.

CHET: Feeling kind of queasy?

CHET: This goes way beyond payment, pal.

CHET: Yo, Wyatt! Coffee!

Chet!

Chet?

Chet's coming home from college

Chet's coming home.

Chips, dips, chains, whips...

Chloe? Who the hell would marry Chloe?

Choice is yours.

Cincinnati.

Cold blooded shit he did.

Cold blooded shit he did.

Come here!

Come on in.

Come on in. WYATT: Sure, yeah. Okay. Be our guests.

Come on, Chet. Please?

Come on, Lisa. Why not?

Come on, take your little hussies home!

Come on.

Come on.

Come on.

Come on. Quit being such pricks.

Could you excuse us for a minute, please?

Crazy, am I?

Dad, hi. No, no, no, no, no. Like a man.

Daddy had this crazy notion you guys might throw a party

Dancing.

Dead honest. I'm like... I... You know, I...

Deb, I have kind of a confession to make.

Dial the police, Lucy. Dial the damn police and give me the phone.

Did he tell you about the woman we made tonight?

Did I get up in the middle of the night and yak in your sink?

Did you get a free toaster with this, too?

Did you notice that girl doesn't have a zit

Did you tell Chet about the...

Did you think Gary was acting a little strangely this evening?

Didn't throw up. No. Nothing. You didn't see anything.

DINO: Hello, pretty lady.

Do I look like I'd go out with two toads?

Do I look like I'm in high school?

Do I look serious?

Do you go to Gary's school?

Do you have a bra to match that?

Do you have any idea how disrespectful that is?

Do you know what I would like to do?

Do you know whose house this is?

Do you realize it's snowing in my room, God damn it?

Do you think they'll embarrass us tonight?

Do you think they're having a good time being catatonic in a closet?

Doesn't she? That's funny you say that 'cause

Don't ask.

Don't be silly. It's a public place.

Don't let John Wayne hear you say that.

Don't ruin the fantasy, okay?

Don't smart mouth me, you wormy little shit!

Don't threaten me, Al!

Don't touch it!

Driving your motorbikes all over his floors,

Drop and give me 20.

Eating. Doing our hair.

Eddie's down in the lab. He and Grandpa are working on a new project.

Every damn night?

Every night, Mitch. I ain't playing with you.

Everybody's invited, women everywhere.

Everything. Last night, Lisa.

Everything's just really cool.

Except cuter.

Excuse me, Arthur.

Excuse me, guys. Wyatt, your grandparents are downstairs.

Excuse me. Get out of my way.

Explain it to him.

Extorted money from him.

Fall amazingly, completely and totally in love with us, Wyatt.

Fats, man, let me tell you my story, man.

Fell in love with the two girls

Finsky.

Float a what?

For a 13 year old girl, man.

For Christ's sakes, will you cover yourself?

For little drinks, a little nightlife, a little dancing.

For openers.

For the first time in my life,

For the weekend. They trust him.

Freeze.

Gary and I were messing around with the computer Friday night,

Gary and Wyatt, they created me on their computer.

Gary Wallace, that's absolutely gross.

Gary, I can't wait to die.

Gary, it's smarter than you, okay?

Gary, listen to me.

Gary, you get to your room! Yes, sir!

Gary, you're just as uptight as I am, all right?

GARY: Chet? Shit!

GARY: I can't believe you! I cannot...

GARY: I hate that boy! I always hated that shit!

GARY: I mean, how do you put up with that guy?

GARY: I mean, how do you put up with that putz?

GARY: She's with us.

GARY: Turn it off!

GARY: Yes, I am.

Gary! Gary!

Gary! What?

Gary! Wyatt! Breakfast!

Gary?

Gary...

Get out of here.

Get out! Get out! Scat!

Girlie, you get the hell out of here before I throw you out.

Girls, shmirls.

Give me a break.

Give me the keys!

Give me the phone. I'm trying to... Well, here it is.

Give me the whole bottle.

Give me your word that you'll leave Wyatt and Gary alone

Go ahead...

Go on. Fix the electrodes.

Go, go, go, go!

God bless you.

God damn it! Stupid train!

God. Oh, Christ.

Good morning, turd brain.

Good to see you again, Chet. Get out of here!

Guys, you have uninvited guests.

Hands off the girls. Let's leave the girls out of this. Hands off.

Happening around the world.

Have you ever?

Have you tried inversion boots?

He doesn't know what he's talking about.

He doesn't.

He pukes, you die.

He used to like a girl named Lisa.

He won't, you know. He doesn't stand for baloney.

He's a good kid. He studies hard.

He's an asshole. Look at his haircut.

He's an asshole. Look at his haircut.

He's kind of an asshole.

He's not going to spoil Christmas.

He's not laughing at you, Chet. It's just...

He's not lying. I don't even have a learner's permit.

He's obviously had it. You know, Chet.

He's one serious idiot.

He's our 16 year old boy.

He's studying to be a vet.

Hello?

Henry, call the police.

Here's the bottom line, Wyatt.

Here's the bottom line, Wyatt.

Here's the deal, folks.

Hey, brother!

Hey, come on.

Hey, guys, I like Lisa.

Hey, he don't even have his license, Lisa.

Hey, hey.

Hey, let's scout another party, man.

Hey, listen, I appreciate it. You know, I really just don't feel like driving.

Hey, that looks pretty good.

Hey! Hey! Look, Ma, compliments embarrass me.

Hi, Chet.

Hi, dudes!

Hi, dudes.

Hi, Gary.

Hi, Mr. Donnelly. How are you?

Hi, Nanny. Hi, Grampy.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi. Hi.

Hi. Hi.

Hi. Hi.

Hilly!

Hit me with your best shot.

Hit the fan.

Hold it, Wyatt. I mean, if there's one thing I know, it's female stats.

Honest.

Honey buns, you want to party so badly, you could bottle it.

Honey, move.

How about a nice greasy pork sandwich

How about if we see if we can score the points with these two

How about Lisa?

How can two people have the same dream?

How come

How come all of a sudden your parents trust you, man?

How do you feel about Lisa?

How fast are you going?

How much?

How you can simulate all that stuff on your computer? You know?

How you doing?

How you doing? Deb.

How'd you get it?

How's your stomach?

Huh?

I bet he's gonna make it.

I called her every night for, like, a month.

I can be a real serious bitch

I can get anything I want.

I can't believe it.

I can't believe this shit. I can't believe this.

I can't believe this. You know what we did?

I can't wait to meet his parents.

I did my toes.

I did.

I didn't come from anywhere.

I didn't even exist.

I didn't want the boys to get into trouble.

I don't feel like a total dick.

I don't have any friends, Lisa.

I don't know if you can call it a party.

I don't know what the hell you're talking about, Lucy.

I don't know what's going on here!

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know. But this is exciting, man!

I don't know. How would you like all your friends here

I don't know. I guess I could, but why?

I don't know. I mean, I guess I was just asking myself

I don't know. I think it might be

I don't know. I warned him about that Blind Dog bourbon.

I don't know. She said we're going to go downtown and...

I don't know. So many people, so many parties.

I don't think we belong here.

I don't want to hurt her feelings.

I got $500 that boy won't make it...

I got money for you right here. $50 for you.

I got that feeling myself.

I gotta tell you 'cause I'm really honest when I say that.

I guess you guys moved out by now, though, huh?

I had a really great time last night.

I have a feeling we're not going to approve, Henry.

I have a wonderful idea, Henry.

I have to go.

I hung up on the bitch.

I know that if I could do it again,

I know. It's great!

I know. She has, like, zero fat.

I like your panties.

I love her.

I love you!

I love you.

I mean it.

I mean, all we ever do is sit around

I mean, anything bigger than a handful,

I mean, I was nuts for the girl.

I mean, I was nuts for the girl.

I mean, I'm not talking candle wax on the nipples

I mean, it's definitely a different kind of love.

I mean, it's seriously affecting your sex life.

I mean, the next thing you know, you'll be wearing a bra on your head.

I mean, the next thing you know, you'll be wearing a bra on your head.

I mean, they're normal parents.

I mean, what would I be compared to her?

I mean, you and Gary, you want friends, you want popularity,

I mean, you know, I mean, couldn't be better.

I mean, your lips.

I never listen to it! I hate this car! I hate it!

I really don't know how to say this to you.

I really don't think so, Sue.

I really wish that you told me this

I repeat, we have code penetration, we have program entry.

I said hands off! Now!

I sure as hell wouldn't want to date you.

I think Gary and Wyatt are gonna force

I think it was a dream.

I think so, too. I'll take them.

I think so. I mean,

I think things are turning around for us.

I think you better come out and ask them to leave.

I thought that this was her party, but I...

I want her to aerobicize.

I want her to live, I want her to breathe.

I want to be alone with Chet here.

I want to thank you for a great night.

I was insane for this crazy little 8th grade bitch.

I was nuts for the woman, man.

I was scared.

I was thinking the same thing.

I was wondering if I can ask you something kind of strange?

I wasn't...

I will. I'll have you incarcerated.

I wonder if Lisa's having a good time.

I'd better get going.

I'd hate to lose my teaching job.

I'd like to open up by apologizing for the ICEE today at the mall.

I'd make her just like you.

I'll be 16 in June.

I'll be back.

I'll get it out!

I'll probably be grounded for a month or so, but...

I'll wait for you.

I'm an independent businessman.

I'm even considering making up some shit.

I'm even considering making up some shit.

I'm going to go and pick up Gary.

I'm going to make this real easy for you.

I'm not a moron, you know. I...

I'm not digging up dead girls. It's...

I'm not going to hurt you, you silly thing.

I'm not going to stand here and listen to this baloney.

I'm not talking the bullshit man.

I'm only kissing you.

I'm really just getting off seeing you two guys straightened out.

I'm really not this cool.

I'm really sorry it has to come to this.

I'm right behind you.

I'm right here, Gary.

I'm so bloody clever.

I'm sorry for being such a shit to you all these years.

I'm sorry, Doctor.

I'm sorry, Gary. It's just I suffer pain and discomfort

I'm sorry.

I'm speaking to you.

I'm taking Gary to a party.

I'm talking about your system, idiot.

I've had a wonderful time.

I've never tossed off! I've never tossed off!

IAN: Yo! Check this out.

If anybody should be bitching, it should be Gary.

If I don't get what I want.

If I don't, he beats the shit out of me.

If Max and lan see her, it is all over for us.

If my room's okay, I won't kill him. I promise.

If we put our noses to the door, maybe we can smell the food.

If we went to parties, right? And...

If we're going to have any kind of fun together,

If you don't cheer up, I'll blow your face off.

If you don't learn to relax.

If you want to be a party animal,

If you were a 15 year old boy,

If you're going to fart, if you're going to squeeze cheese,

If you're going to float an air biscuit, let me know, okay?

In 15 minutes, the storm should be at its height.

In fact, they're better than fine.

In here.

In the family jewels, man.

Is everyone all right? I just want to know. Everyone's...

Is he going to be all right?

Is that she's ours and we can't get close to her.

Is that your suit? Wait, is this yours?

Is tossing off to magazines in the bathroom?

It can't be a dream, Wyatt.

It happened.

It has something to do with a robot.

It just takes a little while for the effect to wear off, okay?

It was an accident. Simple, you know...

It was very immature. And I'm sorry.

It worked.

It would take to pay Chet off about this.

It'd ruin Christmas.

It's a habit he picked up in military school.

It's a joke, Chet. You know, it's all...

It's a mind scrambler!

It's a nice figure.

It's Chet.

It's done out of love.

It's gorgeous.

It's great, isn't it?

It's just a few friends.

It's just us dudes. You know.

It's like the time we spend together, you know.

It's not a lame idea. The problem is your computer's a wimp

It's not flesh and blood, Gary.

It's not that cool.

It's our boy, Gary.

It's probably a good idea for me not to

It's purely sexual.

It's rough having those kind of relationships. You'll see.

It's true.

It's two dimensional on the screen.

It's working by itself.

It's, like, emotions. Heavy, heavy emotions.

Just for that I ought to give you a set of elephant balls.

Just forget it, guys, 'cause we can't do it, you know?

Just hung around the house. You know.

Know what time it is?

Lady, I want to get to the bottom of this, asafp.

Last year,

Lay it on me.

Let me know, okay? I'll hit the fan.

Let me tell you something. Nobody can be as uptight as you, okay?

Let's break. Break.

Let's go.

Let's go.

Let's have one final test. Throw the switches.

Light a match or something. Light a fire, I don't know.

Like big sisterly, kind of.

Like real sick, demented shit. You'd love it.

Like what?

Lis, come on, hon. We're running late.

Lisa could have a good time at an insurance seminar, Wyatt.

Lisa, if any more of his relatives drop by,

Lisa, we can't have him like that.

Lisa, we have to have a talk with you.

Lisa, you have to promise me

LISA: I put them in there.

LISA: What's there to understand?

LISA: Yeah?

Lisa! What's going on?

Lisa! Yes?

Lisa.

Lisa.

Lisa.

Listen, he's gonna be fine in half an hour.

Listen, trust me for once, will you?

Look again. It's Gary. No, no.

Look at her.

Look at this. It's moving, it's working. It's doing itself.

Look me in the eyes.

Look,

Look, Chet, it's a real long story.

Look, Gary, it wasn't your fault.

Look, I don't have the kind of bucks

Look, I don't know who you are,

Look, I don't know. I'm just trying to concentrate on the road.

Look, I'm sure we'd both love to stay,

Look, let's get it on with these two, score points

Look, no blood, no decay, just a few stitches.

Look, we can deal with shame, okay? Death is a much deeper issue.

Look, we're very sorry. We're...

Look! There's nothing to fear.

Lover. Lover.

Ma, I never tossed off to anything!

Make your day?

Making a girl.

MAN ON TV: His insane ambition to create life.

MAN ON TV: There you have his mad dream.

Man, but that's really selfish. That hurts, you know.

Man, we're studs.

Mature.

Max, what are you going to do?

Maybe it was a dream, you know.

Maybe we have malaria.

Mom! I've never... Gary, shut up!

Momentary loss of motor, nerds.

My God, cut that out, would you?

My name is Chet.

My parents are coming home.

Naked bodies everywhere. Gary.

Never.

New bills, crisp and clean, in my wallet by 7:00 a.m.

Nice to see you.

Nice to see you. Hi, honey.

No shit, Chet. No shit.

No shit.

No shit.

No titties for the rest of her life, boy.

No way. No way.

No, but you've done plenty to your brother.

No, I didn't steal the car.

No, I'm not talking about digging up a dead girl, Wyatt.

No, it's okay. Just sit here. I'll take care of this.

No, no, no. No, just a couple of hundred kids

No, no, what I meant was, what are you doing at the party?

No, thanks. I'd rather not.

No, thanks. No, thanks.

No, what I meant was...

No! It was a birthday present!

No.

No.

No. I've whipped up this nasty little soiree

No. She did what?

Nobody must come here!

Nobody. Your middle name is tense, okay?

Not for what you can give them.

Not much.

Not that I'm aware of, no.

Not us. Not here.

Nothing?

Nothing.

Nothing. I'm waiting for my ride.

Now here's the capper.

Now I want you to promise that you'll keep your big mouth shut

Now make yourself one, dick weed.

Now stop worrying and go and get dressed.

Now stop worrying and go and get dressed.

Now you gotta believe me, I'm telling the truth here.

Now you gotta believe me, I'm telling the truth here.

Now, look, she has nothing to do with it.

Now!

Now!

Nowhere. We were in the kitchen. We were in the bathroom.

Of my own trials and tribulations as a young guy and...

Oh, all right.

Oh, Gary!

Oh, hi, Chet.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! Whose stuff is this?

Oh, my.

Oh, no. They're just resting.

Oh, now careful, Chet. Don't make me angry.

Oh, really?

Oh, shit!

Oh, shit.

Oh, shit.

Oh, so do I.

Oh, yeah? Old girlfriend?

Oh, you didn't hang up on her!

Oh, you guys.

Okay, but don't get any b.o. On Chet's suit, or he'd kill me.

Okay, fine.

Okay, forget it. I'll drive. Give me the keys!

Okay, I'm gonna get out of here.

Okay, look, you know how you're always talking about

Okay, that's about all we can do with my stuff.

Okay, that's quite enough. You guys get the girls home.

Okay, what about Lisa?

Okay!

Okay? Crazy insane?

Okay? Crazy insane?

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay. Now what?

Okay. Thanks, Lis.

On her whole body? Did you notice that?

On the rocks is fine.

On the telephone?

One, two, three.

Or do something nutty.

Or witchcraft or anything like that.

Or you can stay and die.

Our feelings for Deb and Hilly run as deep as yours do for Lisa.

Our feelings for Lisa run very deep.

Out! Out! Out!

Over my dead body.

Party! Party! Party!

Party! Party! Party! Party!

Party! Party! Party! Party! Party! Party!

Party?

Party?

Party.

Party's over, said the girl.

Party's over.

Pass the word around.

Perfect.

Please don't let him have messed up my room.

Prepare to die, Wyatt.

Ready to party down? 10 4.

Ready. Ready.

Regardless of what she may have told you,

Right on!

Rumor has it there's a big white sale going on.

Running around in their underwear acting like complete animals.

Same here.

Scotch.

See you upstairs.

See, we like your style. So we want to make a deal with you.

See? They're smiling.

Seriously.

Served in a dirty ashtray?

Set yourself up. That's three scents, please.

Sex. Sexpot.

She broke more than your heart.

She burped and it was, like, charming. Charming.

She did say we should party.

She kicked him in the nuts.

She likes the rough stuff.

She took a shower with them.

She went crazy and she messed up the whole house.

She wouldn't have had to worry about

She... She kneed you in the nuts

She'll clear everything up, Chet. I swear. Chet.

She's a sexpot is what she is.

She's alive. Alive!

She's into malakas, Dino.

She's into malakes! Do you believe that?

She's with you guys?

Shit.

Shit.

Shit.

Should we give her a brain?

Should we go for it? What about Lisa?

Shower with them.

Shower with them.

Showering's real fun, isn't it?

Shut up!

Shut up!

Shut up! Shut up!

Shut up! Shut up!

So I'm giving it to you.

So many people, you know, and so many parties.

So now, we're gentlemen, so we're gonna give you a choice.

So what are you doing?

So what do you do for a living, Al?

So what's the deal with Lisa?

So,

So, you guys get along with your parents?

So, you guys think you can pull one over on me, huh?

So...

Soir what?

Soiree, honey. I think that means party.

Some real weird shit happened, Chet. Some real weird shit.

Something that'll bring out their inner strength and courage.

Something's going on here, Carmen.

Sorry, boys.

Sorry.

Sorry. Sorry.

Sort of.

Speak to you later.

Squirt gun, man. That's it.

Start talking, little man.

Stay out of this, bimbo. This is a family matter.

Straight up?

Such a little liar.

Suppressed him, kept him in fear of you.

Sure. Secret?

Surprise!

Susan, do you think you could wrap up a bottle of this scent for me?

Tell me something.

Tell you what. You bend over and I'll shove it straight up your ass.

Ten seconds into my gymnastics routine, you passed out.

Terribly sorry. Call me. We'll have lunch.

Than his grandparents.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.