After Life (2019) - Season 1 Edit

A bit of Viagra... [whistles]

A cleaner'd be way cheaper than this.

A fat kid who still lives at home with his mum, no job,

A five legged slut.

A friend of mine actually committed suicide last week.

A lot of people rely on our paper. Not everyone's on Twitter, are they?

A lot of the old people can't get up and down the stairs or go out.

A woman called us, when she drags her dustbin

About a tenner an hour.

About five.

About how I should care about the feelings of a smackhead who robbed me.

About your dad.

Actually, I've got to be going.

Actually, this is a good time.

Addicted to food. We're all addicted to food.

Ah, fuckin' hell.

Ah, well, the pipe started leaking

Ah. It's embarrassing.

Ahh, I might as well go in the sea now.

Ahh.

All I can think about is...

All I'm saying is that...

All right, erm...

All right, it's...

All right, okay. Once again, no one cares about my feelings.

All right. Well, we'll find it. It's all right.

All this, [feeble voice] "Oh, where's my soulmate?"

All we've got is each other.

All worth it now, though.

Along to a dinner party with you, a dead woman, and James Corden,

Also, any stain looks like Kenneth Branagh.

Also, you should be at work, but you know I'll let that slide.

Always nice to chat.

Always someone who spoils it, ain't there?

Always trying to get in the paper, ain't you, Brian?

Am I right?

And a stain appeared on his wallpaper

And about what you're gonna do next,

And by "party,"

And caring and having integrity.

And change the salt every now and then.

And depressed,

And do you think that might be you on this occasion?

And don't get drunk all the time, all right?

And feed the dog, yeah?

And finding tickets for things to try and cheer you up.

And fucking give him a good hiding. [chuckles]

And go, "Yay! Just us. Let's party."

And he accused Charlie Willis of sucking off Elton John.

And he was obviously devastated.

And I also know the only thing that would stop me being unhappy

And I can't fucking wait to be with her.

And I could pull my hair out

And I do and say what the fuck I want

And I don't wanna scare the new girl. "This is my friend, she's a prostitute."

And I forgot my keys, so it's lucky we ran into each other.

And I looked really weird

And I made the right decision.

And I wondered if it was a special occasion.

And I've loved you ever since.

And if I was, you'd be safe, you tubby, little ginger cunt.

And if I've read this right,

And it broke me.

And it thinks, "Right, I'm gonna shag everything that moves."

And it's seven, so go.

And keep it...

And keep our house tidy.

And less of the prostitute. I'm a sex worker.

And make sure I landed on some cunt from accounts.

And making everyone else unhappy, too.

And missed me vital organs.

And no, I'm not grieving. He was a cunt.

And only 'cause people prejudge you when you say that,

And she turned out to be perfect,

And she wasn't before.

And sometimes...

And take her to the beach. She loves it there.

And that can be anything from local stories, you know,

And that's Lisa being around, and that can't happen.

And that's not wh Can you come in my office?

And that's what he calls the local paper about.

And the police don't like to chase 'em because the kids take their helmets off,

And the reason animals are better than people

And the wallpaper started to get wet,

And the world would be a better place without us.

And then I got the second, and I thought, "Oh, that's funny. Two the same!" [laughs]

And then I show up.

And then I try and make...

And then it started to form this image.

And then it's dangerous, and the police might get sued, so...

And then she's giving me grief for getting upset about stuff.

And then sneak out as I slip into a coma,

And then the fourth...

And then turn the gun on myself.

And then we're done.

And then when I do visit him every day,

And then when it all gets too much,

And then...

And they all reckon it's not ideal to be a fat, lazy, self pitying lump.

And they read it before they do that.

And trying to come up with reasons you shouldn't kill yourself,

And we always have a choice.

And we might've got you a date.

And we've got Oh.

And went right on it.

And what makes you think it's his?

And when did you think, "Oh...

And why do people think I need tips with women?

And you expect him to stay in character

And you hit on her immediately.

And you just drag it across and pop it in the folder and it uploads.

And you're upset with the world,

And you've lost someone and you think no one compares. Mmm.

And, well, it's got his mouth, hasn't it?

And?

And...

And... I can't see that ever happening again.

And... I'm just being honest.

And... put it on "perimeter," otherwise the dog will set it off.

Any plans for the weekend?

Anything that happens,

Anything you want. I didn't...

Anything?

Anything.

Anything.

Anyway,

Anyway, err...

Anyway, that's the way it is.

Anyway, these days, you don't really die of it, so

Anyway...

Anyway...

Are you mental?

Are you sure you wanna work for the Samaritans?

Are you two together?

Argh. What is?

As I say, I'm not very hungry, so I'll just get a coffee.

As I was saying, why don't you throw yourself into your work?

As if an umbrella...

As if I would.

As long as we're having fun.

As we know them because it'll just be a shit storm on the Internet.

ASAP.

Astronomical.

At first I thought, "I'll give him the benefit of the doubt,"

At times, so, you know, don't take it personally.

Audrey Hepburn.

Back to work, everyone.

Bad girl, Brandy.

Bad then?

Bad things happen to good people, good things happen to bad people,

Baked beans or vegetable curry?

Be a good boy for Uncle Tony, George!

Be an upgrade for you. At least you'd be human, then.

Be honest up front, and...

Be nice to her, and she might take you to the opening of a new restaurant,

Be nice to them, eh?

Be very still and it might not see us.

Because as soon as it becomes an adult and it wants to mate,

Because I had to look after my dog.

Because I haven't. I still know the deal.

Because I just assumed you were always having a bad day,

Because I realized that my wife

Because I'm still attached to my wife,

Because it might make him feel better.

Because it's so good.

Because people will think I said summat awful.

Because the world is full of fuckin' morons.

Because there is nothing more boring than someone telling you a dream they had.

Because there's no features to exaggerate.

Because when you see me, for one moment you think

Because you always talk about killing yourself.

Being an arsehole in general.

Big chunk of wood with, like, a nail, metal spike sticking out of it

Big, red glasses.

Birds love it.

Black bin is household waste,

Bob's your uncle.

Both for him, are they?

Both losers.

Both lost our partners,

Both trying to numb the pain,

Bought you a little present.

Breast cancer.

Brian, not everyone can get in the paper.

Brilliant, hey? Pick your top five favorite people, and why.

Bring it around at seven,

Bring Lisa with you.

Brutal...

Busy?

But do they actually do what's good for you?

But don't spiral, don't obsess.

But even if I did, I wouldn't tell them to anyone

But for God's sake, this is your dad.

But for lunch, you'll probably get away with blazer and slacks?

But from here, it looks like that super photography

But grumpy, selfish ones are the worst.

But he never stops working.

But he's just gonna give me his 'cause I'm his cleaner.

But I guess a good day

But I have spoken to loads of 'em over the last few months,

But I know I'd feel bad if I didn't visit every day.

But I look at you, and I think,

But I mean, how do you get into that in the first place?

But I'm assuming that your date isn't as old as me.

But I'm getting a children's portion.

But it wouldn't be for nothing, would it?

But it's not just all about you, is it?

But maybe it's just because you're a cunt.

But remember, black is slimming.

But the thing you lost...

But then life throws you these interesting little things, doesn't it?

But then, it wasn't me, it was a baby.

But there's definitely something going on.

But there's no silly outcry.

But why does he have to do all that "mm mmm"?

But you are.

But you can't, can ya?

But you're absolutely fucking useless. [chuckling]

But you're obviously not really suicidal. It's just bullshit.

But you've got such a good heart.

But...

But...

But... I can eat what children eat, can't I?

By old ladies, once a week.

By the time you're a features writer, there won't be newspapers

Can I guess the bullet points?

Can you do what I asked you to do, please?

Can you hear that?

Can't believe you've done all this.

Can't work miracles though, can it?

Can't you read? The park's for everyone.

Cancer.

Chasing the dragon.

Cheers, thank you.

Cheers.

Cheers.

Cheers.

Cheers.

Cheers. Don't get up.

Choked on a tampon.

Choked on a tampon. [laughs]

Coke?

Come here.

Come here. Good girl.

Come in, Tony!

Come on, please. All journalists go to the pub for lunch.

Come on, then.

Come on!

Come on.

Come on. Good girl.

Come on. Instead of, like, "I'm not gonna laugh at this." Come on.

Come to the pub. Me and Len are going for lunch.

Could ever come of this

Could you do Carpool Kamikaze?

Course you would. 'Cause you look like fuckin' Shrek.

Cunt.

Cunt. [chuckles]

D'you need anything while you're 'ere?

D'you think the women are ganging up on me?

D'you want a coffee?

Daddy says you're sad since Auntie Lisa died.

Dead.

Dead.

Dealing with my own problems.

Deep down, you're a Daphne.

Definitely splitting the bill. Whiskey, please.

Delivered them all.

Depends what I ask him.

Did he die of diabetes like he's gonna?

Dirty bastard.

Do that, then.

Do you get any fiber in your diet?

Do you have weird dreams?

Do you live here?

Do you mind him talking to you like that?

Do you still want me to put it through the door?

Do you wanna go to the beach?

Do you want a drink?

Does that usually work, does it?

Doesn't look too bad, actually, does it?

Doesn't matter, apparently.

Doesn't matter.

Doesn't mean I don't believe in anything. It means I don't believe in any god.

Doesn't she look beautiful?

Don't be so hard on him. His girlfriend died.

Don't cry. Not in front of your new boyfriend.

Don't feel the same sympathy

Don't go blaming the world.

Don't let him go through my stuff, okay?

Don't rob me!

Don't tell Lisa.

Don't waste it on food.

Double nostril recorder?

Drunk people, they sort of bounce. All right, come on.

Earlier this year.

Eat in front of the computer.

Eat in front of the quiz machine.

Eat in front of the telly.

Eighty nine. [laughs]

Emma. Do you want to speak to her?

Enjoy the sun

Erm, champagne.

Erm, this guy, his pipes leaked,

Erm. He was married to my sister, Lisa,

Erm...

Erm...

Erm...

Erm... entertainment, finance.

Err, just, um...

Err...

Err...

Err...

Err...

Err...

Err...

Err...

Err... suicidal.

Err... yeah, please.

Even AIDS.

Eventually you'll give up, and I'll win.

Every minute of every day that I have my wits about me,

Everyone chips in on everything, really.

Everyone you told about your wife dying just...

Everything came from nothing? That's impossible.

Everything's an addiction these days.

Exactly. Don't suit me.

Excuse me. Where's the dog food?

Exhausted...

Fantasizes about killing his ex wife...

Fantasy dinner party guests.

Few hours a day for a few weeks, wasn't it?

First thing in the morning and when you get in from work.

Fish fingers and beans.

For 50 quid.

For as long as I want,

For me or for her. I mean...

For me, for her, probably.

For three hours as Mr. fuckin' Bean?

For who?

For you, not for me, obviously.

Freddie Mercury's tooth.

Friends.

From you?

Fuck's sake.

Fuckin' fat cunt eating like a fuckin' slug.

Fuckin' hell.

Fuckin' hell.

Fuckin' hope not.

Fucking cheer up, mate. Might not ever happen.

Fucking hell. Why can't you just leave me alone?

Fucking maggot.

Funniest man in the world.

Get a better job in a different town. I just...

Get a picture?

Get in here, you dirty cow.

Get in.

Get me, err....

Get out. Open the curtains.

Get up. Don't mope about in bed all day.

Getting some gear before I become too fucking conscious.

Give it to me then.

Give the dog a kiss from me,

Give you a free meal. [laughs]

Go home.

Go in here.

Go on.

Go on.

Go to bed. I assume you eat in bed?

Go to the doctor. You've got bowel cancer.

Go to the pub.

Gonna buy drugs with that and dump the papers in the skip?

Gonna **** myself to death.

Good girl.

Good girl.

Good girl.

Good girl. Good girl.

Good how he played two at the same time.

Good pictures.

Good week?

Good.

Good.

Good.

Good. So, yeah, come. It'll be fun.

Got one of these in 42 chest?

Got something for your front cover,

Got to keep going.

Gotta put the bins out Tuesday evenings.

Great to have you.

Great. Well, I'll call her and book a restaurant.

Green bin is recy

Happier to just accept your unhappiness.

Happy and safe and smug about it,

Happy birthday.

Hard working.

Hardly scarred for life.

Have you got a jokes page?

Have you got a... counterargument or...

Have you got any Bee Gees?

Have you got smart jeans and a nice shirt?

Have you got the photos from the

Having to visit him every day,

He agrees with me.

He can still feel hurt.

He does answer back.

He doesn't know he's alive.

He doesn't know what you're on about, does he?

He doesn't remember you, I bet.

He doesn't. If he'd said,

He goes home, sees a stain that looks a bit like Sir Kenneth Branagh,

He had a girlfriend?

He really knew what he was doing when it came to suicide.

He seems nice.

He told you to watch me eat, didn't he?

He was shit at everything else, but gotta give him his due.

He was trying to make people laugh.

He works for me, and she was doing the washing up.

He wouldn't.

He'd hate that... Um... anyway,

He's a very good writer.

He's always been around.

He's an old actor, director.

He's come around to talk about getting started on the paper.

He's got no distinguishing features.

He's had a bit of bad news. Erm...

He's had a girlfriend for about a minute and he thinks he's Bryan fucking Ferry.

He's just got a face, a vague, beige face.

He's just on her, whether she likes it or not.

He's my uncle.

He's not here.

He's not himself at the minute, to be honest.

He's very old.

Here she is.

Here you go.

Here you go.

Here's what's what...

Hey, those guys are some of my best clients.

Hey?

Hi, George.

Hi, I'm Tony.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Hilarious, more like.

His friend didn't really commit suicide by choking on a tampon, obviously.

His...err... Tony's my brother in law.

Hit in the head with a hammer,

Hit me like a bolt of lightning.

Hmm.

Hot date?

How about a cup of tea before you go?

How can you not believe that someone created all this, though?

How could I possibly have had a good week?

How do you know what a Chinaman's co You shouldn't even say Chinaman, Dad.

How do you mean?

How does that help me?

How hard is suicide?

How long did it take you to master the...

How many times did you have fish fingers and beans?

How much do I owe you?

How much do they charge?

How much do you get for that then?

How much for one try?

How?

How's it going?

How's Lisa?

Huh? Why don't you stick a knob down your throat, blabbermouth.

Humanity is a plague.

Hungry?

Hungry?

I absolutely love your dog.

I bet that's never 'appened before.

I can always kill myself.

I can't believe that I'm soaked!

I can't believe you gave me your keys.

I can't just go and apologize for nothing.

I can't let you order that.

I can't stand needles. Also AIDS. I don't wanna die of that.

I can't. I...

I chew it, I swallow it, just like everyone else.

I could do it now. Quite happily just go upstairs,

I couldn't say any of this to your face. It's too embarrassing.

I didn't care.

I didn't do overtime,

I didn't get that long.

I didn't know that. But the point is, okay,

I didn't mean to upset you.

I didn't say his name.

I didn't wanna back down.

I didn't want her thinking this is a madhouse.

I didn't want to do this, but Matt said you're a widow, too, and,

I do get that a lot though.

I do have these.

I don't care about first impre I don't care about any impression, do I?

I don't do the whole God thing, I'm afraid.

I don't have any dreams at the moment 'cause I'm not sleeping.

I don't mean why do you live in this particular garage.

I don't see the point.

I don't spend enough time with him.

I don't think anyone knows what's good for me.

I don't wanna appear ageist,

I don't wanna date again.

I don't wanna live without Lisa.

I don't want you to grieve forever.

I don't, 'cause I'm not weak like him.

I dream about her sometimes.

I dunno.

I feel bad that I resent

I feel bad when I leave 'cause it was so depressing.

I feel sorry for him.

I get the gist of it. Their name and age,

I go to tell her.

I got kicked out of the last garage, didn't I?

I guess to let you know you're not the only one.

I had a lot of fun on that date the other night

I had to say something.

I have emergency snacks nearby, yeah.

I haven't got any family.

I invite him in and he robs me.

I just don't see any point in living.

I just got into an argument on Twitter with some absolute moron medical student.

I just had a prostitute lecturing me

I just thought it looked really glamorous.

I just wanna sleep.

I just wanna stop feeling sad.

I just wanted to get home every night...

I knew it, first time I met you.

I know about your wife.

I know how you feel.

I know I'm not thinking straight, but I don't wanna think straight

I know, 'cause they're smaller.

I know.

I know. She's nowhere, all right? But get this through your head...

I like peace and quiet.

I live at home with my mum, dad, brother and sister, so...

I look like I'm enjoying myself for a split second,

I mean, grieve a bit.

I mean, I know you're not normal.

I mean, it's basically ****, yeah?

I mean, look at me and June.

I mean, me, I would quite happily die right now.

I mean, she's a nurse looking after my dad, who's got Alzheimer's,

I mean, why don't you soak everything straightaway?

I mean, y'know...

I mean, you will be working closely with him.

I mean... sit here like this, with the dog,

I met a nice lady in the graveyard, Dad.

I met someone, by chance,

I might join you one day.

I need to... I've got a thing at seven.

I remember my first day, and it is exciting, isn't it?

I say "again." I've never dated.

I should probably dump them first, then buy the drugs.

I should say from the off,

I should warn you, he might...

I shouldn't have to explain this to you.

I shouldn't have...

I slipped down this steep bank and onto some rubbish

I still can't believe we've got so much in common.

I still can't believe we've got stuff in common.

I tell ya, his face fell like my nan. Oh no!

I think he's gonna eat. Watch this.

I think he's quite handsome. I'd love to look like Kenneth Branagh.

I think I'm gonna puke.

I think I've got the gist. It's the one where you go,

I think that deep down,

I think you do a great job with my dad, and...

I thought you'd prefer it to prostitute.

I thought, "Well, what are the chances of that?"

I wanna try heroin tonight.

I want everyone in floods at the funeral.

I was gonna put it in for a wash. I wonder what I've done with it.

I was just on my way to your house to do some cleaning,

I was just saying that maybe for the ten minutes

I was married for 25 years. It was brilliant.

I was sort of being nice, that...

I was walking along the side of the road 'cause there was no pavement.

I was worried about you.

I wasn't, but go on. What have you got?

I will be extra careful with these.

I worry when they cry.

I would just take as many drugs as I possibly could.

I wouldn't worry about your dad.

I...

I... [stuttering]

I... nearly took some pills.

I'd just be honest.

I'd rather be nowhere with her than somewhere without her, all right?

I'll bring you some food.

I'll carry on doing what the fuck I want.

I'll do the date.

I'll forget otherwise, won't I?

I'll give you a good seeing to.

I'll have the hash. Keep the smack.

I'll see you back at the office.

I'll take you shopping, if you like.

I'll...

I'm a little princess 'cause I don't live in a hole in the wall.

I'm an alcoholic. Will you let me off?"

I'm Anne.

I'm apologizing for...

I'm comfortable around humans. I just think animals are better.

I'm fine, thanks.

I'm glad you're a wonderful crowd.

I'm going mad.

I'm happy to just sit here.

I'm his cleaner.

I'm just I'm doing my best trying...

I'm just getting on with stuff to keep you off my back until it's time.

I'm like that."

I'm not a doctor,

I'm not a pedo.

I'm not even in the house. How long have you had that there?

I'm not even sure it's natural for us to have one mate for life.

I'm not giving you any money.

I'm not gonna charge him 60 quid, am I?

I'm not gonna go into it, but I don't care about anything anymore.

I'm paying child's prices,

I'm sad, too.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm starting here today.

I'm starting work here today.

I'm still alone, angry, in pain. I can't wait to end it all. You?

I'm Tony.

I've given him a blowjob.

I've got a good feature for you.

I've got a thing with Jill. Only be a couple of hours. We'll be back by seven.

I've got a very high sex drive.

I've got another question then.

I've got some pictures of the date I had with the fat kid's mom the other

I've gotta go to work.

I've gotta go.

I've had some bad news this week, I have to say.

I've honestly nothing to compare it to anymore.

If I become an arsehole,

If I can be bothered and stay awake.

If I fall on you, I'm not taking you to A&E.

If I had enough money,

If I was him, I'd wear glasses,

If it was a dog, you'd put it down.

If she lives to 100, she's only been scarred for seven percent of her life.

If you could open a tin, I'd be dead now.

If you do set it off, you've gotta ring 'em.

If you like.

If you like.

If you open the door, it'll set it off,

If you put the dishes straight in the dishwasher,

If you want any help, I could give you tips.

If you'd have been thin,

If you're not killing yourself tonight, still okay to look after George?

If you're watching this, then I'm not around anymore.

In a puddle from a drain,

In the worst kind of pain.

In which case you'll wanna wear a dress suit.

Indian okay?

Interesting.

Is because they just get on with it.

Is either violence

Is he?

Is impossible.

Is often talking to a plumber on the estate

Is that how you were carried around when you were young?

Is the same thing that can stop that pain.

Is this going to be in next week's newspaper?

Is this really all you want me to do?

Is this your way of saying we're gonna split the bill?

Is when I don't go around

It can't just be chance, can it?

It did look like him, though.

It didn't happen. He made it up.

It distracts him.

It doesn't look like you are.

It don't build up.

It gave me time to think,

It goes out and mates...

It is a good stepping stone, and you can go on and do...

It is, yeah.

It is. A grown man being told what to wear.

It just went straight through me

It just won't look as good in this size.

It should be everyone's moral duty to kill themselves.

It shows strength, not weakness. Trust me.

It sounds like Chewbacca.

It suits you.

It was a joke.

It was a stain on a wall.

It wasn't about you, though, Tony. The joke wasn't about you.

It?

It'll do you good.

It's a bit unprofessional giving me all this attitude, don't you think?

It's a disadvantage, if anything.

It's a miracle I'm still alive

It's all right.

It's amazing, innit? Makes you think.

It's awful. It's an awful future.

It's been nice chatting.

It's by the cat food.

It's coming this way.

It's Daphne.

It's distribution day.

It's drugs.

It's fine, seriously.

It's for children. [laughs]

It's gonna be good for team building.

It's good. All proper comedians.

It's good. You made me laugh,

It's hard for me to throw myself into my work, when my work

It's just a bit of a laugh. We do these stories

It's just a bit weird from someone who's looking after my dad as their job.

It's just no one's fault.

It's like a little bag.

It's like a superpower.

It's like I'm already dead inside, and yet I'm still...

It's my wife.

It's nice out there today. We'll get out in the garden later on, eh?

It's no big deal.

It's not 'cause they're unemployed, is it? And also, an adult's paying, so

It's not a waste of time, you working here.

It's not Freddie Mercury's tooth. We're not gonna put your diseases

It's not like giving them to a prostitute, is it?

It's nowhere near over for you.

It's Pat.

It's pathetic.

It's pretty rare in most species, I've gotta tell you.

It's smaller 'cause they're smaller. It's not a concession.

It's stopping.

It's the disease, right?

It's the rules.

It's up to me who I invite.

It's very rewarding as well. You get to go out into the community.

It's what depressed people do.

It's your post.

James Corden would come if Jacko walked in.

Jesus Christ!

Journalism.

Julian told me.

Julian?

Jump off the roof,

Just a postcard from Mike and Beth, whoever they are.

Just because you're all upset, everybody else has to feel upset.

Just been speaking to Jill,

Just fuck off.

Just fuckin' drench everyone.

Just God!

Just saw you washing

Just says, "Having a great time, and...

Just showing Sandy the ropes.

Just want a little taster.

Just wanted to see if you trusted me.

Just, erm... ignore that.