Archer (2009) - Season 5 Edit

A baby shower. KENNY LOGGINS: Oh.

A baby shower. MALORY: Wh...?

A bar, then! Whatever!

A beanbagging arms dealer, so that now, almost inexplicably,

A bid?

A brain chip. It was just the sticker off the backpack of a little Lego

A buyer for twenty kilos of our cocaine.

A country. MALORY: And it's in the

A criminal. And I hate to say it, but it's

A district attorney to blackmail,

A drug dealer, I stand by you. Oh oh oh! And you don't seem to

A finder's fee? Five thousand a kilo.

A freshly squeezed juice, a cocktail, a sandwich of your own choosing?

A goddamn baby knows, in craps, you never bet on the hard ways! Ow!

A gut shot husband and an idiot son who just

A guy. Taxi!

A half ton of cold blooded fury,

A hem! And I am Cherlene?

A hundred bucks? Depends who you ask, Lana.

A jillion million! Jesus! Be more gross

A landline and played the message from my phone, then put

A little closer to nineteen and a half?

A little compressed, but whatever.

A Long Island Iced Tea?

A lot better than I would've imagined.

A mirror, a needle and thread, and a straight razor.

A party. With an enormous cake!

A penis in my vagina.

A Poppin' Fresh costume, and taintsweaty,

A question?

A real thing...

A slippery slope! It's the world's most addictive drug.

A spa day!

A tiger. And C "guapo" means

A tiger. Where did you think you are,

A toast! CHERLENE: I just don't see how it's possible.

A ton of cocaine?

A witness to coerce, a judge to bribe...

A, "Chinese y" is not an insult.

A: not the Internet, B: only works in...

Aaaaaah!

About 15 steps ahead

About 90 goddamn times

About her contact, no picture,

About it in my art journal! CALDERÓN: She is going to bring us some tanks, so that we

About it. Just let it go.

About it. PAM: Because it kind of seems

About money

About that rim jo... Ow! Seriously, please stop hitting

About that thing where you said you're cleaning up your act

About two grand a month on the Gilfcam.

Absolutely not. CHERLENE: ♪ Revvin' up your

Accept your surrender! Dibs! I'm in charge! Cyril, get out of the...

Access the computer terminal at reception, so just follow my

Accounting firm after this job.

Actually follow my lead or... PAM: Hang on, let me grab a

Advise. KENNY LOGGINS: K Log.

After Fidel's hitmen try to kill me

After the flashbangs, but before Other Fat Mike gets shot.

Again, seriously asking.

Again, you'll never make it back to Myrtle Beach.

Against your... That is a federal offense!

Agent Holly is the prime target, but...

Ah ah!

Ah, Ah, it's your loss!

Ah, Madame First Lady. So good of you to join me.

Ah!

Ah... Or a lot of the other shit I do.

Aha! But this way, my way, Archer thinks

Aha! See, that's what I resent.

Aha! Yes. And what is on my finger, you

Aha! You're forgetting a key

Ahem. Miss what?

Air strike on the palace is a go, and I suggest we take Calderón's jet.

AIR TRAFFIC CONTROLLER: Beechcraft, please identify. RAY: Guys?

Airplane air is so dry, plus you're breathing in God knows

All I ask, is one small favor...

All I wanted.

All kidding aside, I maybe should go to a hospital.

All right! Turn it off! Turn it off!

All right. Where are we?

All those jobs are awesome.

All tied up like a sexy little Christmas ham.

ALL: Eh... LANA: Oh, my God. CHERLENE: Oh, get over

ALL: Happy baby shower! (cork pops)

ALL: Wait, what?! ARCHER: Yeah, seriously, what?

All... well, almost all the pills Pam ate a bunch, and I'm

Alligators or your mother! ARCHER: What's the

Alligators! And do not even think about it,

Alligators! ARCHER: No. No, no, no. No

Almost... there.

Alright, Sterling, calm down.

Alright, uno rampageeo! Okay, Lana,

Also called a shivaree? You know, it's that thing where

Alternative is a belly landing in a swamp filled with

Although I have no reason to think that.

Although, I guess I could always go back to being a defense attorney.

Although...

Always answers his phone in the field, so I'm...

Always get stuck together. But I kind of don't mind it. CYRIL: Hmm, actually I don't

Am I a clone of you? Did you all grow up together... in an actual house with an

Am I right, fellas? ARCHER: Are you?

Am I right, fellas? Fellas, am I right?

Amazing! A toast. CHERLENE: No, like literally

Amphetamines?!

An actual acorn?

An office in Miami, and that office is gonna need

An unwed mother?!

ANCHORMAN: from San Marcos tonight, as the Communist rebel

And Hey, how is your mother?

And "gaping hole" are kind of begging for it.

And a corpse.

And also agree to permanently cease and desist any and all ISIS operations."

And also country music.

And also the rebels!

And also too spilly. Now, what's with all the yelling?

And also, what the hell happened to you?

And apparently I'm not good at it.

And apparently, they've got your house completely

And B, ISIS owned that penthouse, so

And B: If they weren't sitting on a

And banging the old lady with a strap on...

And being dragged off to God knows what terrible fate...

And both of whom bring up extremely uncomfortable

And by "it," I meant the moment. Not his penis.

And by awesome you mean delusional.

And by that I mean his... you know...

And can I just go on record as saying I think this is an extremely

And Chinese y!

And did you ever think maybe your fleet of

And do you have to do that

And don't call a fraternity a frat!

And don't worry about La Culebra, gringos, you are not going there.

And fear is their bacon bits.

And fifty times twenty I think we're probably

And for what it's worth, I'm pretty sure I just invaded Laos

And for what it's worth, we all kind of liked you the way you were.

And get our money And cocaine and cocaine

And have to have her baby in prison?

And honestly, not your best trait.

And how is that tone necessary?

And I believe there was some mention of throwing a bone into me?

And I didn't even get to meet her tiger.

And I hate to say this but our filthy peasants, so as to brighten their lives with your music.

And I know it sounds crazy, but I like them as much as cocaine.

And I mean from everything

And I think we should move on, they're not gonna let you kill a guy.

And I want to make that little gal famous. Are you her manager, Mrs...?

And I'd love nothing more than to shoot back, Pam,

And I'll take the fondue set. Because you were a total

And I'm excellent in the field, so...

And I'm not a doctor, but...

And I'm pretty sure I smelled a skeleton.

And if there's one thing I love more than triumph,

And if you want Archer so damn bad, you can go get him your...

And ISIS did do a lot of bad stuff.

And it can only be paid with Pam's blood.

And it definitely isn't your semester abroad.

And it sounds like the solution is more cocaine, so turn left up

And it's not that we don't appreciate criticism.

And it's not the only thing. Why can't you keep it in your pants?

And kudos.

And let me handle this. Because the problem, Gustavo... CALDERÓN: Ooh.

And let you walk alone ♪

And like 50 times I lied.

And look how tiny. I don't even need a drill I

And Mac Davis can totally suck it.

And maybe we can barter with them for a ride, or...

And no one's doing anything to find him!

And no, Kenny Loggins, there's no way to make up for almost

And not that I care what any of you think, about anything, but I lost everything

And now we're surrounded,

And one extremely flat tire, so...

And order because the cops can't or won't...

And remember, I got dibs on the tiger.

And say nothing!

And seriously, Lana, sorry for what I said.

And since I can't write a genre defining country song

And since the coke's in the shape of

And so, by the power

And so, I wanted to distribute your records among

And so, if I could direct your attention to these

And some ammo! You were really gonna shoot me in the

And spend the rest of our lives together, Lana.

And start asking around for the woman who runs the entire Cali cartel?

And stomach acid so strong it can dissolve bones and hoof.

And swim down!

And talk about who's probably waiting at this airstrip.

And thank you, George Bore well, for that clunky analogy in

And that being said,

And that plane's probably loaded with coke.

And the bourbon's kicking in, so, uh, you can pretty much name

And the only thing that was left, you idiots either lost,

And the sooner we can move out of this enormous,

And the sooner we sell this cocaine,

And the sweets. We're gonna round that down

And the whole time he was screwing the asses off all the

And then back up a sec. You're endangering your life for beauty?

And then bought a ton of goddamn cocaine.

And then go get a cake. Okay, Ray...

And then got a hand transplant from an actual bear.

And then got dropped in some different dirt and then Pig Pen came along and

And then he moves the rock and comes out of his cave stronger

And then it's like wave after wave crashing over you, into you, and...

And then tell me what happened to the hundred pounds of...

And then use them to play, in its entirety and on your

And then we whang 'em with our shovels, right?

And then you didn't die, and then a few years went by and I

And then you're going on the Grand Old Opera, and I don't

And then, by some other, even bigger miracle,

And there were two of each color and you know this

And they had the money! Why go to the trouble

And they're gross. It basically tastes like a fart

And this other five spoiler alert she ate!

And this regular tie means nothing, I don't like bow ties

And this whole other thing with the Yakuza.

And to be honest, having second thoughts about it.

And unless there's anything else?

And unless you people want to wind up classified as enemy combatants, you...

And wait, what's his, uh... the name of... Brett!

And we totally got away. So, all set.

And we're also the rebels.

And we've got about a five hour flight home, with Pam...

And what did I say about that horn?!

And what happened with getting "FBI"

And what is that

And what is this? An ocelot pelt?!

And what's with the "lickbag" stuff?

And when that drug money starts pouring in,

And when we get in there, you keep it zipped

And where were you during all that?

And who's gonna die if you don't get rich managing

And why is that?

And why on Earth would you want to?

And you actually have no right to search this house.

And you are in a mundo of caca.

And you can all suck it because I am gonna play professional lacrosse.

And you didn't even take a moment?

And you don't think I'm a kidnapping risk?!

And you have as much as you say...

And you, sir, will keep a civil tongue in your head

And you'll just have to put that on my... whatever... crime tab.

And you're already addicted to cocaine.

And you're okay with that.

And, also, this is a baby.

And, Chi, I swear to God, mention the compass again and just see what happens.

And, I'm sorry, the money is where, exactly?

And, Krieger, I hope you have a lot more where this came from

And, sir, I'm afraid your breakfast will be four minutes late.

And, wait, how much is that in pounds?

And, yeah, he's a weirdo, but I think Agent

And... RICKY: Mr. Loggins, please

Answer the

Any more?! We were never in love!

Any of anyone's business, but I had dinner with Ron.

Anybody? Not a big Robert Newton Peck crowd, huh?

Anything about the CIA deal.

Anything valuable. Ooh, like that ridiculous white painting.

Anything. All they do is suck money in. They take our taxes...

Anything. MALORY: Well, then that makes two of us.

Anyway, to buy the weapons, we needed to... monetize the cocaine.

Anyway! I go into hiding, change my name,

Anyway. Okay, now, Comandante, arrest these people.

Anywhere else? It's bad enough I have to drive 24 hours straight

Apparently Calderon is barely clinging to power.

Apparently. SLATER (chuckles): What, did

Appropes.

ARCHER (burps): Should I know who that is?

ARCHER (chuckles): Yeah, Rando's awesome.

ARCHER (scoffs): Beanbagged. MALORY: Oh, whichever. ARCHER: It's a fairly

ARCHER (sighs): Because I didn't get shot with buckshot.

Archer and money and liquor.

Archer Vice.

Archer, I think she's... I think she's...

Archer, my water just broke.

Archer, shut up. You shut up.

Archer, that is the sweetest thing anybody has ever given me,

Archer, what're you Lana, we're gonna need

ARCHER: ...whatever unit of measurement of cocaine!

ARCHER: "Danger Zone," Lana. You know, how I'm always saying

ARCHER: (chuckles) But can you imagine banging in

ARCHER: (chuckles) Look, I put my weapon down, I'm not a

ARCHER: (sighs) And I'm curious why didn't you remind

ARCHER: Ah. I will concede that point.

ARCHER: All right, here's the penthouse.

ARCHER: And what their reaction will be to three total

ARCHER: Anonymous sex, if you must know. MALORY: Ew!

ARCHER: Anyway, right about then...

ARCHER: Ar ar ar archer

ARCHER: Ar ar ar Archer...

ARCHER: Are you done? RAY and CYRIL: Yes.

ARCHER: But Miami's, like, right over here

ARCHER: But they were already cooked; what good does it do

ARCHER: Crocodylus acutus! And maybe even...

ARCHER: Cyril, do not panic. Just get out.

ARCHER: Cyril! For the love of Christ, man.

ARCHER: Don't do that. Don't ever do that!

ARCHER: Eh... I mean... RAY: Hello?

ARCHER: Exciting, isn't it? (Cyril yelping)

ARCHER: God damn it!

ARCHER: God forbid. KRIEGER: Right? CYRIL: And as for who's the

ARCHER: God...

ARCHER: Goddamn it... PAM: Clones! ARCHER: What?

ARCHER: Gomez was gonna steal it.

ARCHER: Good instincts back there, Pam.

ARCHER: Good, because if there's one thing I'm good at,

ARCHER: Hands off me, Lurch. Look at my suit.

ARCHER: Hang on. Yes? LANA: Okay. So.

ARCHER: Hey, shut up! CYRIL: You shut up!

ARCHER: Hey... Aah! (Pam screams)

ARCHER: Huh. You think this is somehow

ARCHER: I absolutely know where we're going.

ARCHER: I didn't catch that. MALORY: Oh, for...

ARCHER: I don't know, bird masks? LANA: What?

ARCHER: I don't know, maybe a little jealous.

ARCHER: I don't know. I mean, it couldn't hurt, but...

ARCHER: I honestly don't. KENNY LOGGINS: Liar.

ARCHER: I should let you go. KENNY LOGGINS: Look, I'm...

ARCHER: I was hoping you'd do that.

ARCHER: I will if you shut your... mouth.

ARCHER: I, uh... sold some artwork?

ARCHER: I'm 'a plant a red fern for ya, jug.

ARCHER: It wasn't anonymous, Lana. I thought she was the maid.

ARCHER: It's just a thing I do.

ARCHER: Jesus, will you relax? (gulping)

ARCHER: Lana. Lana.

ARCHER: Loggins! (Loggins grunts)

ARCHER: Man, I am blowing this jug.

ARCHER: Manos arriba!

ARCHER: Mm, not according to this.

ARCHER: Mm... no, but, that being said, I do think he needs

ARCHER: Mother, hush. Lana, come on, if any of you ISIS women is Molly Ringwald...

ARCHER: No, Cyril, of course I'm not mad...

ARCHER: No, it isn't!

ARCHER: No, no, let's just go with her thing.

ARCHER: No, unfortunately we ran into some...

ARCHER: Odie, hush! Uh, you were saying?

ARCHER: Oh, come on, how long are you guys gonna stay mad at me?

ARCHER: Oh, my God, Lana, I've had only, like, eight drinks.

ARCHER: Oh, not everything, Pam

ARCHER: Oh, so you have heard that.

ARCHER: Oh, uh, no. I I think I'm okay for right now.

ARCHER: Oh! S Sorry. You kind of trailed off like

ARCHER: Okay, A, Lana loves Kenny Loggins.

ARCHER: Okay, not that, but A) a palace this big definitely has an ice machine,

ARCHER: Okay, so, uh... I guess I'll go if...

ARCHER: Okay, there's $200 for the uniforms, $100 for the

ARCHER: Okay, well, let's circle back to who's an idiot,

ARCHER: Ooh. KENNY LOGGINS: (coughs) You

ARCHER: Or a woman you literally bump into on the train.

ARCHER: Ow. (grunts) Ma, they done killed old Rando.

ARCHER: Ow. CYRIL: Oh, shut up.

ARCHER: Pam. Danger zone. ♪ Wait, wait, wait, no.

ARCHER: Really? Wow, okay, that explains...

ARCHER: Right? LANA: And what happened to

ARCHER: Should I know... MALORY: Oh for God's sake,

ARCHER: So, phrasing's just dead then? LANA: What is your...?

ARCHER: Sorry. SLATER: What have you done

ARCHER: Tell you in a minute

ARCHER: The... Lana, the song.

ARCHER: Uh, excuse me, Mr.Loggins?

ARCHER: Uh, we obviously d... Oh. Hardy har, Mother.

ARCHER: Uh, well, to give Mr. Loggins his wardrobe.

ARCHER: Uh, yeah, on money

ARCHER: Uniform, towels, the usual maid stuff! LANA: The... whoa whoa whoa

ARCHER: Wait, that was a hootenanny?

ARCHER: Wait, what? And also who?

ARCHER: Wait, what? PAM: Huh?

ARCHER: Wait, what? Why wouldn't they just...? MALORY: Sterling, shut up

ARCHER: Wait, why? CYRIL: Why maybe not?

ARCHER: Wait! Ray, you said the Colombians were flying to

ARCHER: We... SLATER: I'm not done.

ARCHER: We're not losing me blowing this jug.

ARCHER: What do you mean why? (coughs)

ARCHER: What was that, Ray?

ARCHER: What? CHERLENE: Ooh.

ARCHER: Whoa, whoa... LANA: You're not emasculating

ARCHER: Why are we not doing "phrasing"?

ARCHER: Why didn't you file a flight plan?!

ARCHER: Will don't! PAM: Wait, so if Woodhouse is

ARCHER: Woooooo!! Whoa, whoa, whoa!

ARCHER: Yeah, and I don't know about you, but

ARCHER: Yeah, good, okay. 'Cause this time, I may actually

ARCHER: Yeah, Krieger. LANA: Archer.

ARCHER: Yeah, Lana. MALORY: Shut up.

ARCHER: Yeah, that's fair! Kick out the guy whose custom

ARCHER: Yeah, we... PAM: Hey, I appreciate you're

ARCHER: Yes, I'm kidding. Because you want to know what I

Archer!

Archer!

Archer!

Archer! Sorry, three.

Archer! What... are you doing?

Archer! Who the hell...

Archer.

Archer... Okay, so, remember when you had cancer?

Archer's just been trying too hard.

Are just mildewy, and not... Mildewy and dead hookery.

Are messed up! I just leveled the playing field!

Are not. (chuckles) You know, I mean, if

Are we in the Orinoco drainage basin?

Are we seriously done with "phrasing"?

Are you

Are you crazy? They'll kill us.

Are you crazy?! This car is worth one quarter of

Are you done?

Are you done?!

Are you not?! Lana, it's the A Team

Are you okay? (Archer coughs)

Are you shitting me? I can't hear anything over

Are you shitting me?!

Are you sure you cannot make love to me just once more?

Are you talking about your balls?

Are you, like, sure you brought it?

Are you? PAM: Nope! KRIEGER: Goddamn it.

Are you...? Wait, which is it?

Aren't co ed, right?

Arriba! God damn it! Manos arriba!

Arson.

As America's number one country singer.

As balls. That's why everybody likes me now.

As dictator, and we all enjoyed this little break from him,

As if American demand for cocaína wasn't already

As in neither, you dummy. This is how you steal a painting.

As in who cares. MALORY: The United States.

As in... this is a good thing?

As is leaving before Calderón pays us for that shipment of weapons, so...

As is my drink. (sighs) CYRIL: Why do we always have

As long as I brought back the money!

As opposed to what, Cyril?

As plates?

As sad as it is, deep down, he just wants your approval, and

As we speak, my scientists are working on a secret weapon, and soon I will water our coca

As well as me because we stood in my kitchen and counted.

As what?

As you can see, there's nothing illegal going on.

Ass. And, Pam, that's not a bad idea.

Assassins, the KGB, the IRA remember, North Korea,

Assu... Ow! Ow!

At any price. ARCHER: Who the hell is

At Dr. Feldman's, whose security system is a joke, by the way. And so I guess it maybe wasn't

At the morgue.

Ate it, is that things could be a lot worse.

AUTOMATED VOICE: ...is full, leave it.

AUTOMATED VOICE: The mailbox of...

Autopilot. There's nothing for me to do.

Aw, Baby Archer, who's a jeawous baby?

Aw, but look at him.

Aw, crap.

Aw, quit your literal bellyaching.

Aw, what a scary new feeling for you

Aw!

Aw!

Aw! Aw!

Aw! Look, she's almost not terrifying.

Aw! What are you people, hourly?

Aww mercy, thank you... Ya know, if we could go back in

Aww... All the gardeners are running away.

Ay. ¿Qué tiene adentro, hebillas?

B I bet there's a pretty decent chance La Madrina owns

B hole about the fork. It's not even real LCreue.

B)... LANA: "B" is hey, shut up, because I want to talk to you

Baby, please don't go ♪

Baby, please don't go ♪

Baby, please don't go, yeah ♪

Baby? Baby. Baby!

Bac Os on our prison salad. Besides, technically, Woodhouse

Bad idea?

Badge.

Ballast, and what better to simulate bricks of cocaine than,

Bank Since I Can't Keep A Man Because In Addition To My Jillion Neuroses

Barter with what, Cyril?

Bastard sh... Ow! ARCHER: Cyril, shut your

Bastard. I didn't know it was the CIA's cocaine.

Be a feather in your cap. They might even make you director.

Be going to marriage counseling and... (mumbles)

Be mad as a goddamn hatter.

Be that as it may, why are you here?

Beaker's boss!

Beaker's boss.

Beanbag," you think Beanie Baby, not... internal bleeding.

Beanbag. ARCHER: Medical fact, Cyril.

Beanbagged, Pam. (others gasp, groan)

Bears my initials, and I do hereby certify..."

Became the new head of the KGB

Because spoiler alert those didn't really work out so great!

Because correct me if I'm wrong, but that entire document

Because I don't fly

Because I got drunk to cope with the fact

Because I never had a father, Lana?

Because if by some miracle, I get the keys...

Because if we miss that taping, I won't be responsible for my actions.

Because it touched your... junk.

Because it's gonna be hard to go back to an

Because it's the perfect killing machine.

Because nobody made you two come here.

Because nobody made you two come here.

Because selling cocaine to cocaine dealers doesn't really

Because she was busy having choke sex with a murderous cyborg, who then

Because then, the last thing you'll ever hear, besides a pistol cocking behind your head,

Because there's a chance I can make this all go away,

Because these trunks feel light. Do you swear they're full of

Because this entire country's about to be up to its tits in U.S. Marines.

Because this nearly microscopic, wittle bitty guy is my new and

Because turns out, he's actually very good at

Because we're about to get murdered for it!

Because where the hell is my gun?!

Because why do you always crash

Because why do you always get paralyzed?

Because you just assume everything's gonna work out for you.

Because you may not actually find this to be all that relaxing.

Because you suddenly decided to take up skydiving.

Because you're an asshole!

Because, spoiler alert, they're unisex.

Because... Shut up! This is what we're doing!

Because... you and I are going to get Kenny Loggins to play

Because... You dum dums,

Bedrooms, bathrooms, bathrooms, other bathrooms,

Beechcraft, identify. RAY: Guys! ARCHER: Goddamn it, tell him

Beechcraft. LANA: Ray! RAY: Uh, Slater sent us?

Been a fortune. MALORY: Well, I can afford

Been paid... (sighs) Look, I hate to ask, but

Been waiting forever to use that.

Been working on a bit of a side project.

Before when this whole goddamn thing was your fault?!

Begging for it. Eh...

Being a crippled cyborg!

Being magnificent and crepuscular.

Besides ninety percent of all mosquitoes and Cubans

Besides that.

Bet you can forgive the debt of honor, right?

Big dossiers with all the information you could

Birth cheese. I only had $200.

Bitch to scrub your brains out of the grout.

Bitches, I am pregnant!

Blah, blah, blah.

Blame for this shipment of weapons being late

Blind woman! You bring shame on your family!

Blitko. So we have, in this area, these very geometric shapes, in these

Body Inspector." God, is Myrtle Beach not the

Bolshevik lesbian couples! Then PBS mixes it all in with their huge N.E.A. grants,

Bonded courier! Ron?!

Boom, it's good to go zoom. CYRIL: So, why are we in

Booze, and soft cheeses, I'm also supposed to abstain from bus crashes!

Bor... (grunts) (gunshot, glass shatters)

Borgnar that night in Caracas. It's not for sale

Both, either, all. They'd shoot me on sight, Lana.

BOTH: Kilos. MALORY: Kilos, thank you,

Breathe, friend. Because, uh... Wow. Okay.

Bribe some federal agents. Well, at least put a seatbelt on it!

Bribe with what? The government seized the

Briefcase. What the hell is even in that

Bright side. With any luck at all, it will

Browser history and... No, no, no, no, no... oof!

Bucks of amphetamines, so now they're gonna cut her head off.

Bumfights!

Bunch of cocaine in the jungle and then continue stumbling into

Bunsen frickin' Honeydew!

Burnt to the ground.

Bus station toilet. But for cocaine.

Bus with the worst driver on the planet! (Ray muttering)

But But there's always

But I gave mi palabra.

But What's her problem?

But Cyril and if you tell him I said this, I'll break your

But don't worry. We're gonna get out of here and

But even though it's very delicate, it can withstand a surprising amount of shit.

But explain all that to the Brazos County judge, and maybe he'll...

But first, business, then

But for the rest of us trapped in the realm of possibility...

But he's got all these fake wires in here, that don't connect to any...

But how do we get paid? KRIEGER: With a totally

But I cannot lose mentsu. What you call "face

But I get it, the Bushido code, the whole Japanese thing, I get

But I just this second realized why you want to stay

But I need you to focus on me,

But I realize now that I was mistaken.

But I tested it, it's very pure.

But if all Moto wants is his drugs...

But if I do, I I apologize for

But if we're doing a new thing and nobody told me that I'd

But if you didn't...

But in our current situation I would argue that cocaine is more dangerous,

But it's exactly what you deserve.

But let's just press on, operating under the assumption that

But lunch is still a firm twelve.

But maybe we should try to sell out to an

But mostly treason.

But my water just broke, so...

But neither are people who need a roll of quarters to take a shower!

But now I live here, so...

But now it's not funny. Well, not as funny.

But only for three days, right?

But only if you people don't try to save your own necks

But only towels. KRIEGER: Hey, are there more towels?

But seriously? A floor model?

But since I did... KRIEGER: Taaaaanks! You jerks.

But since that, um, special "plaster" in your cast

But so far, being an international arms dealer is not.

But thank you. Aw, and thank you, Pam.

But that's okay, because I'm pinning my hopes for the

But that's patched into the actual house wiring,

But the point is, we are highly trained

But the saddest part is no one does.

But think about it, every bullet's got to leave at least a

But this is Archer we're talking about, so probably not.

But this way, we have twenty kilos of pure,

But umpteen babies later. My God, Sterling loved her.

But what about the hundred pounds of coke you dumped on the highway?

But what do they...

But what do you think is gonna happen when three

But when we're digging our own graves they're gonna get cocky

But, I mean, the big present, obviously, is, uh...

But, Pam, if there ever are any, this comes out

But, Presidente, the rebels, they have smashed

But... ARCHER: Pam!

But... CHERLENE: Then you know it's

But... how is that possible?

But... KENNY LOGGINS: You think

Buy this business with some little money I borrow from Mamá,

By ratting out everyone else!

By threatening to tell Calderón about the first time.

C co oh. Um...

C... I... A.

Calderon, seen here volunteering at the hospital, comforting the

CALDERÓN: "Outlaw Country," "Hoochie Coochie Coochie Man," "Travis County Limitado."

CALDERÓN: And well I do! Please forgive me. MALORY: I mean...

CALDERÓN: Are you sure? The room is okay? CHERLENE: Yeah, it's fine, whatever.

CALDERÓN: Boom! (laughing): Yeah. Can I please bring you anything?

CALDERÓN: Eh? (muttering in agreement) KRIEGER: Hey, what's

CALDERÓN: Gas? MALORY: I'm sorry? CALDERÓN: You have gas?

CALDERÓN: Hmm. Hmm... Maybe to start?

CALDERÓN: I I cannot believe it is actually you.

CALDERÓN: I misunderstood. I apologize. MALORY: And well you should!

CALDERÓN: I was just showing them the Blitko. JULIANA: Do you like what you

CALDERÓN: It's in the mountains far, far away where we will crush the communist rebel

CALDERÓN: My wife. (Archer grunting)

CALDERÓN: No, no, but I cannot afford to do this! MALORY: Oh, please.

CALDERÓN: No, please, of course, I am willing to do whatever it takes.

CALDERÓN: Okay, you sit there. Uh... you.

CALDERÓN: Ooh. MALORY: And so, if you want any more weapons, you'll have to

CALDERÓN: Silencio! Who is in charge here? COMANDANTE: Señor Presidente,

CALDERÓN: So, the stories are true. KRIEGER: What stories?

CALDERÓN: Viva Cherlene! Viva Cherlene! TROOPS (chanting): Cherlene!

CALDERÓN: Wait, really? Anything? MALORY: Yes?

Calm down, Colonel Panic. Listen the shelling has stopped.

Calm down. Jesus, it's not like you killed

Can I finish? Can I finish?

Can I stop you?

Can inject it right through the temple.

Can totally be absorbed through the skin,

Can we get Ron to a hospital?

Can you believe it is so amazing? Everyone, toast.

Cannonball!

Cannot kill the spirit of San Mar..

Cannot make love to me just once more?

Cap'n Crunch here just took all the coca fields back

Captives; we're about to be their business partners.

Care if it kills you be...

Carol, listen to me very closely.

Case law regarding search and seizure is actually

Casts smell bad when you take 'em off it's a

Certainly was not! CYRIL: Wait, then where did it come from?

Chance that at some point in the future we're gonna have sex, so...

Change the word "cocaine" to "Cookie Puss" and that's how her

Charge. COMANDANTE: I... (gunshots)

CHARLENE: ♪ Got too much time And nowhere to go ♪

Charles, por favor! You have your cocaine,

Charles, por favor! You have your cocaine,

Cherlene, go pick or grin or something, and the rest of

Cherlene, I now pronounce us husband and wife.

Cherlene, stop this at once. As your husband, I command you.

CHERLENE: ♪ You'll never know what you can do until you get it

CHERLENE: Cut! Okay, whoa!

CHERLENE: Don't you, like, have a war to go to? (scoffs)

CHERLENE: Duh, we were shooting my album cover.

CHERLENE: Goddamn it! ARCHER: Whoa!

CHERLENE: Goddamn it! What did I tell you about

CHERLENE: Goddamn it! Who the hell drilled my box?! ARCHER: So, we're just done

CHERLENE: How? It came out, like, yesterday. CALDERÓN: Yes!

CHERLENE: I think it's pretty sexy.

CHERLENE: I'm not cleaning it up.

CHERLENE: Lame. KRIEGER: Well, if we ever do,

CHERLENE: Oh, my God! It's starting! MALORY: What is?

CHERLENE: Oh, please. She knows we're in here

CHERLENE: Outlaw different country woooooo!

CHERLENE: Phrasing, boom! ARCHER: Thank you. (moans)

CHERLENE: Uh, duh, it's called the golden hour.

CHERLENE: We're losing the light!

CHERLENE: What the hell is wrong with you?

CHERLENE: What? PAM: Krieger's selling the

CHERLENE: What's up her gigantic giant ass?

CHERLENE: Woooooo hoo! (Calderón gasps) CALDERÓN: Yes, yes, yes, yes,

Cherlene! LANA: Wait a minute, you said eight drinks!

Cherlene's happy... CHERLENE: Outlaw country,

CHERLENE/LOGGINS: ♪ Highway to the danger zone

Cheryl, build a fire and get some pokers hot!

CHERYL: I don't understand what you're saying.

Chile, Nicaragua, uh... Oh! Iran?!

Chocolate chip ice cream. In your refrigerated drawer.

Chokepoints as in junctions, like the main foyer, the

Christ on drums, people! What?!

Claims relating to the death of your employee... Brett, uh, Bunson?

Classic Rando. And don't worry, Calderon's good

Clichés, really. Karaoke, pachinko, subway

Clone bone!

Clubber am I? ARCHER: Hmm, I guess the janitor everybody thinks is

Clyde, is that you?

Cobra whiskey and ladyboys. I mean...

Cocaine and where the hell is Gomez, full goddamn stop!

Cocaine anonymously and completely risk free.

Cocaine aren't people you want as friends, Pam. And not to sound elitist,

Cocaine in the kitchen can be lawfully seized as evidence.

Cocaine online. MALORY: Are you insane?

Cocaine puddin. Ooh, cocaine puddin.

Cocaine she was eating.

Cocaine, do we even still have half of it left?

Cocaine, which just mysteriously appeared at ISIS and that Malory

Cocaine?

Cocaine. ARCHER: What?! No!

Coins because the damn government took away our...

Coke and lock her in the cage till she's clean?

Colombia with millions of dollars of cocaine?!

Colombia? What are they doing in Colombia?

Colombia. LANA: Which..

Colored maids. No, that's a terrible

Combination good bye/thank you blow job.

Come here, boy!

Come on, Cyril, pick one.

Come on, move it, up, up, up! MALORY: Well, of all the... CALDERÓN: Please, Cherlene.

Come on, Ray, there has to be somewhere to land besides the

Come on, you can do this.

Come on, you guys are acting a little... insane.

Come on. We're not gonna let the Yakuza kill you.

Communists who are murdering our brave young fruits, and to

Compare to helping overthrow democratically elected

Competition, Ron! He's my child.

Consummate.

Cost 40 millions. MALORY AND ARCHER: What?! CALDERÓN: Yes, it is an Ivan

Could happen? (tires squealing) TROOPS: Get on the ground!

Couldn't leave it in the rocket. And we couldn't just leave it

Couldn't tell, because you seemed pretty

Count Krieg... Ow! Ow!

Counterfeit money in the one hand and my schlong in

Counting backwards from a million years, and when you get

Country album should be hardcore...?

Country or country music? 'Cause I'm first lady of both!

Country singer Cheryl and a Pam who... tits.

Country welcome for Cherlene!

Country." KENNY LOGGINS: Yeah,

Covert operatives with an extremely dangerous set

Cow!

CPU, and... Beep boop, you are no longer a cripple.

Crash it! Just like you crashed

Crayons? JULIANA: Should we not just start?

Crocodile repellent!

Crying because...

Cut back, and not that it's any of your beeswax, but I've also cut back on... you know.

Cut it, fellas! (music stops)

CYRIL (chuckles): Yeah, tell her what happens next.

CYRIL (scoffs): Lana, for God's sakes, it's Econ 101. MALORY: Cyril, don't be

CYRIL (sobbing): Oh, my God, we're gonna crash!

Cyril Figgis.

Cyril says the rebel headquarters are...

Cyril, can we spare another five pounds of cocaine?

Cyril, did you get it?

Cyril, go lock up the product before Cokie Monster here

Cyril, hush, big guys. Ray, how long...

Cyril, I'm gonna take out the guard; you're gonna take the

Cyril, look around. Somewhere in this mansion, I

Cyril, make sure it's good and tight.

Cyril, may I see the distributor cap?

Cyril, please, I was in the Lubyanka.

Cyril, shut up and find a vehicle!

Cyril, shut up and go find a vehicle.

Cyril, this isn't an episode of B.J. and the Bear.

Cyril, you said it was locked up.

Cyril, you wear Kevlar every single time we go to Latin America.

CYRIL: Assholishness. (all yelling)

CYRIL: Clones? KRIEGER: Yes, clones! My God, it was like looking

CYRIL: Completely nonexistent.

CYRIL: Do you think those guys are Doctors Without Borders?

CYRIL: Easy, easy, careful!

CYRIL: Get your hands off me. ARCHER: Okay, relax. Jesus.

CYRIL: Gross. RAY: That's so accurate.

CYRIL: Hello. RAY: Odie, hush.

CYRIL: Here. LANA: Oh, wow, a check.

CYRIL: How could you not? ARCHER: I don't know, Cyril.

CYRIL: It's obviously Cherlene. KRIEGER: Totally.

CYRIL: Krieger says ow, hold on... ARCHER: Goddamn it!

CYRIL: Krieger says he saw a bunch of clones! ARCHER: Of what?

CYRIL: Krieger, get back here!

CYRIL: Marriage counseling and what?

CYRIL: No, it's... ARCHER: Shut up.

CYRIL: Oh, for... Can you not give it a rest?

CYRIL: Okay. PAM: Nice.

CYRIL: Please tell me that was never a real thing to you.

CYRIL: Sounds delightful. ARCHER: Wait you're still

CYRIL: Stop! Yeah, let me just stop you there, because if

CYRIL: They'll kill us! RAY: Well... maybe not.

CYRIL: Wait, what?

CYRIL: We can't land at a real airport!

CYRIL: Well, can we make it? RAY: Maybe, if you...

CYRIL: Well, eventually we have to come to a village or whatever

CYRIL: What did I do? ARCHER: Don't

CYRIL: What the..

CYRIL: What?! ARCHER: Do the right thing,

CYRIL: What's going on? RAY: Burning too much

CYRIL: Which, if it's true, is..

CYRIL: Whoa. RAY: Just calm down.

CYRIL: Yeah, back home to ask Mommy what to do.

Cyril! CYRIL: Ray, what do I do?!

Cyril! Goddamn it!

Cyril!?

Cyril? Sorry

Cyril.

Cyril. You have nothing to live for.

Cyril's obviously Anthony Michael Nerd. Mother, you're Paul Gleason.

Damn door hanging... Oh, no, no, no!

Damn it, Archer, I told you.

Damn it, Archer! Damn you!

Damn it, give it here.

Damn it, man, forget your kimonos.

Damn it, Ray! (VOCALIZES)

Damn it, trust me!

Damn it!

Damn it! Look, I think Malory is genuinely

Damn it.

Damn, Dawg. That was my B.

Damn, dawg...

Damn...

Darker black black suit. Woodhouse!

Darn.

Day's not over

Daylight vampires, who are probably scuttling up the drain

Dead animals. Then he got real big into model

Dead. And now you, Mr. Archer, can join her in...

Decided they had to stone to death?

Decorations, some of those water guns shaped like dicks...

Defending scumbags as a public defender?

Defense of totalitarianism, but I'm not feeding Shane an

Dementia, and ultimately, into death.

Democrat. But I think they give you a

Destroying us, now you even try to smuggle it into my country?

Developed a cure for... headsmash.

Devised a way to transport the cocaine

Diapers, then you microwave different candy bars...

Dicks. Well?

Did I just... PAM: Prostitute!

Did I tell you? Here, give me your gun.

Did you fart in that?

Did you never see The Thomas Crown Affair?

Did you tell anybody we were hauling a shitload of coke?

Didn't you just call Cherlene, who owns the hotel?

Died

Difference? They're both cold blooded

Dirty Diaper Game... CYRIL: What in God's name is

Dirty diapers, or he's up with the croup and there's no bourbon

Disappointing you would... bite... alligator... ish..

Distributor cap, so...

Ditto. I just don't want her to escape.

Do And also

Do me, do me, do me!

Do me! Do me!

Do me! Do me. Do me. RAY: Ow! Ow! Ow!

Do something!

Do something!

Do something.

Do that all day. I mean, to me, it sounds like

Do you have any idea who we are?

Do you hear me?! Open this door!

Do you know what's insane?!

Do, re

Do, re, mi, fa No! Again!

Do, re, mi, fa, so, la, teeeeee!

Does the baby grow up in prison, or...?

Does the why really matter?

Dogs! Especially now that we are once again receiving weapons.

Doing good, buddy. Archer!

Doing it right. Now move, so I can begin the

Don't even get me started on that.

Don't even sweat it, because... Hmm?

Don't hold your breath for a bid.

Don't say "literally being emasculated," because I looked that up, and... ick.

Don't shoot, don't shoot! We surrender!

Don't shut up. MALORY (sighs): Pam, I know you're in there.

Don't stop!

Don't take this the wrong way because I'm loving being your

Don't turn it on. Do not touch the brake pedal.

Don't you dare! At the very least, I insist on a

Don't.

Don't... Why would you worry about that before you need to?

Doo, doo, doo... "Treason, I hereby forfeit ISIS headquarters.

Doors to cover, so we need to concentrate on chokepoints.

Down here selling cocaine. I can't believe that guy ratted

Down here, left to rot in this godforsaken hole?!

Down here. Cyril's just the Vader to your

Down there with the more or less permanent scowl. MALORY: Señor Presidente, it

Down!

Dozen cupcakes, a bunch of truck stops.

Dr. Krieger has devised a way to transport the cocaine undetected.

Dr. Krieger. KRIEGER: What...?

Dressed like the whore the rest of the trailer park finally

Dressing up like Mr. Archer,

Drop it on the ground. ARCHER: Do you know how bad

Drop your weapons! I'm serious,

Drugs back, and that guy who sold 'em to me's not

Drugs for arms operation

Drunk and we almost had sex and, right before you passed out, you told me Malory had convinced you

Dude, drop it. I'm not gonna judge you.

Duh, look at my house. I bet I got rugs worth a...

Duh!

Dukes!

Eat a dick, jungle.

Eating them

Effect on recording audio. KRIEGER: Oh, was I supposed

Eh, I'd say more of a mauve taupe? Ow!

Eh?

Either have a stroke or spit it out.

Either heroic vigilantes trying to restore law

Either, now that I think... RAY: Queer! (laughs)

Emasculate you

Embroidered hippie shirt and these gigantic bell bottoms, I

Engaging in treason, espionage or anything else illegal.

Engine, listen to her howlin' roar... ♪

Enough fuel to make it there, so...

Enough fuel to... RAY: I said barely!

Eres guapo. A La Culebra!

Esmeralda but you may have a problem.

Especially after Mother gives you a shitty reference.

Especially if he goes into shock, which is why I'm

Especially since your friends...

Especially you, Ms. Archer

Espere! ¡Mira, mira!

Even if it almost got weird.

Even if it weren't legal, they'd enforce it.

Even if Ray had filed a flight plan..

Even Southeast Asia, or... Hey, where's Ron?

Ever had a baby in a war zone. You know... Okay, okay, okay.

Ever. ARCHER: Well, yeah.

Every goddamn vehicle I get in?

Every goddamn vehicle I get in?

Everybody bangs pots and pans outside our room as we...

Everybody else is!

Everybody up all night with your damn hootenannies...

Everyone, raise a glass, and join me to toast Cherlene! Because and I happen to know

Everything we need. It's like San Marcos has been

Everything! They eat everything!

Everything. They took everything.

Everywhere. My... I want to say my

Exactly. As in Doctor Who money.

Exactly. Now, if you two will excuse me, I need to go threaten and/or

Except those of you who are to be executed.

Except you, Juliana. Let go of Cherlene and throw down the gun.

Exciting. I hope everyone dies.

Excuse me?

Excuse me.

Exigent circumstances, like providing emergency assistance

Explain particle physics to... a particle.

Expressing affection! It doesn't make him gay!

Eyes until you are blind. GILLETTE: Goddamn, Shawshank.

Faking my own kidnapping!

Family wearing ghost costumes to scare black people?

Fault for bringing cocaine without asking, but I suppose all's well that ends well.

Favor. If it is as pure as you say,

FBI!

Feeling like you're super judgy and that's me?!

Fellas loaded. ARCHER: Yeah, now you're

File, just that weird quasi cornbread they have here.

Film in this? CHERLENE: Goddamn it!

Film, film! LANA: Quit putting rocket

Find an ice machine? PAM: Huh uh. Ow, hang on... (groans)

Fine, $10 million! $50 million!

Firm twelve.

First promise you won't be mad at me.

Fix it! I will be on my tour bus

Floor model. Oh, come on, we were all

Football teams cross indexed with towns a black person just moved to.

For $80. CYRIL: Please take me back.

For a Swede! Either time that happened!

For babies. I don't know I'm not a

For cocaine. I've already sold, uh...

For God's sake, Sterling, it's the government.

For months. What the hell have you been

For our current predicament, blame...

For smuggling cocaine into Colombia?

For that when it's both? Like in French or something?

For the money. At least for now.

For what mother, a funeral?!

For what?

For what?

Forces consolidate their gains in the countryside, and now

Forget pounds! We're doing kilos!

Forgive, yes.

Fourth Battalion withdraw, here comes First Armored, and now the

France, Lana. Oui, maintenant je sais!

Freezing! KRIEGER: Film, film, film,

Frickin' arms it's... ugh... Archer time.

From baby Bergdorf's. LANA: Oh, my God, it must've

From Iran?! Did we at least free some hostages?!

From Kenny Loggins Roasters?

From the FBI.

From the get go and, since the coke's all here, let's get you

From the rebels. We're sitting on an endless

From the shadows, waiting for the night...

Fuel we're heavy. CYRIL: What do you mean,

Full stop? TOUGH GUY: Okay, this is the

Future on the next big shipment of Stinger missiles to that

Game? Water guns shaped like dicks?

Games at the baby shower. There's Don't Drop the Baby, uh,

Gaping hole.

Gave away $5 million worth of cocaine?

Gave away, ate or just blew up and sank.

Geez, when you just list everything ISIS has done,

General or...? MALORY: Ooh, this is

GERD?! Lana, do you have GERD?!

Get all pissy every time you mistake a Dutchman

Get arrested for treason, I stand by you; become

Get art. PAM: You obviously don't.

Get away from us!

Get down!

Get some hay ready to dry this little bastard off because now you are gonna push!

Get the cocai

Get us out of these cuffs... (SNIFFING)

Gettin' shitty drunk on two different kinds of liquor,

Getting divorced, right? MALORY: No.

Getting everything we need for the party, then...

Getting shot.

Getting towels! PAM: Who are you, Princess... hang on... Lana?

Getting us out of here.

Gilded Age mansion. Which where the hell is

Give me that!

Glide ratio's maybe ten to one. But it's a lot less with the

Go ask Houdini. PAM (chuckling): Ask him

Go find my son and bring him home to me.

Go where?

Go, go, go, go, go! (Ray bleats)

Gobbles it all up, and Ron, take me to lunch.

God damn it!

God damn it! I'm with you, Lana.

God damn it.

God damn, Huckleberry Finn!

God made him the boss and all the other animals his food!

God, right? Remember that?

God, you're killing me here is what you're doing.

God!

God. CYRIL: Always.

God. That's so freakin' unsafe.

Goddammit, tell me you're not Pam!

Goddamn baby shower?! CHERLENE: Ew!

Goddamn eggs and some Carolina fries, I would personally be

Goddamn it, Cyril!

Goddamn it, where the hell is he?

Goddamn it, will you slow the shit down?!

Goddamn it! This whole stupid baby shower

Goddamn life. But you're the men, so...

Goddamn Yakuza because you people decided to steal

Goddamn, Woodhouse.

Going Josh Randall on these dicks!

Going on? CYRIL (sighs): Maybe you're their god.

Going through a really hard time right now,

Going with that? PAM: Ice machine. CIL: Ooh, hey, I could use

Gonna be playing the violin any time soon.

Gonna make it. (Cyril whimpers)

Gonna overdose on cocaine and die, or potentially famous

Good buddy.

Good bye

Good bye, Archer.

Good bye, Mr. Archer. Give my regards to William Howard Taft.

Good country album cover or you call it food porn?

Good enough to pass in, say, a deli?

Good idea, that will give us something to do while we

Good night, Travis County! There will be no encore!

Good. Yeah, we need plenty of room... until we dump them at a black site.

Gosh, I don't know. What am I supposed to do with a canister of nerve gas?

Gotta stitch... oh... ARCHER: Damn it, I don't have time for... wait, Pam, did you

Government in exile of La República de San Marcos!

Governments! Like the U.S. did in Guatemala,

Great great great uncle? He built them trying to tap into

Gringos waltz in and start asking around for the woman

Gross but turns out to be cool. PAM: Aw. CHERLENE (laughs): I love

Gross.

GUARD: Look, he ain't even here.

GUARD: Not without a pass you're not.

GUARD: Whoa, whoa, where you think you're going?

Guess I'm not a field agent anymore though

Guess I'm rubbing off on you, Ray.

Guns because you know what they say...

Guys, if we get out of this, the first thing I'm gonna do,

Ha ha!

Ha ha! Ow!

Ha, hee, cold, cold, cold... LANA: And there, but for the grace of...

Ha! Perfect, this is absolutely perfect.

Ha! What're you laughing at?

Had a damn tiger.

Hai. Hai. Hai. Mm kay, bye.

Half deaf. What if we move the

Hammer down!

Hands. The only thing necessary for evil to triumph is that good men

Hang on, buddy.

Hang on, dummy, we had a ton of cocaine.

Hang on, hang on! Wait, wait, wait. Damn it! I have something for this.

Hang on! As amazing as it would be,

Hang on. Bees.

Hang on. Legs!

Hang on. Thanks, doll.

Hang on. Uh, tentacle porn, uh..

Hang on. Wait, wait, wait. I I actually have something for this!

Happy? ARCHER: What, like, in

Have been if he wanted. Look, the 22nd amendment to your constitution

Have to assume, is a gigantic, Scrooge McDuckian vault.

Have you ever heard a country song?

Have...

He didn't have money to buy weapons. He only had cocaine, but Iran

He just played for the prisoners, dummy.

He said, sucking at being a lawyer.

He wasn't actually in prison.

He's around here somewhere, either puking or pissing on

He's around here somewhere, either puking or pissing on

He's crippled, Pam

He's eating the keys?

He's going to screw the dictator's wife and then shoot

He's missing! With God knows how much of our dwindling cocaine

He's not a vampire, idiot.

He's okay don't come in here don't come in here he's okay!

He's probably still at the Tuntmore.

Head, "Moby Dick." Bonham's a pussy.

Heavy? ARCHER: You said we had

Heh heh heh head! Non metaph phuh phuh phuh phuh

Helicopters We should sell those 'Cause I'm a ropper. ♪

Hell does he think he is doing?

Hell! ARCHER (chuckles): This

Hello, best part.

Hello?

Hello? I've finished!

Her say that. That's got to be a real knee to the old emotional nut sack.

Here in my palace, I mean... CHERLENE: Yeah, it's blowing your mind, huh?

Here tees into a utility tunnel right in front of the house.

Here we go, stepping

Here, and then, over everything... just white. Just layer after layer after

Here! Oh, come on.

Here's my advice. (grunts, moans) Do with it as you will.

Here's to you, Hal Needham

Hey Pam, relax, breathe you're doing fine...

Hey, and speaking of pussies...

Hey, are there more towels? Hey, are there more...? CYRIL: You realize this

Hey, Carol, you got any old timey silencers?

Hey, do you mind?

Hey, Donna, we got a carrier group in the Gulf, right?

Hey, get me fizzy water! (Pam farts, laughs) Thanks!

Hey, guy... (grunts) (Ray and Cyril squeak)

Hey, I don't think we need to go into all the...

Hey, save it for four ninths of the Supreme Court.

Hey, so, did somebody order Chinese?

Hey, so...

Hey, so... yeah, hi, uh, I think maybe somebody's

Hey, speaking of rope...

Hey, treebeard! Take me with you! You can do unspeakable

Hey, wait a second, I've got the perfect big ticket

Hey, yeah, sweat it out, like Popeye Doyle.

Hey!

Hey! I'm serious!

Hi, guys.

Hi, I'm, uh... KENNY LOGGINS: Uh huh,

Hi. Welcome to Nazi Canada!

Highly doubt you'll have a job tomorrow.

Hijo de puta.

Hilarious. You get a bunch of newborn

Him back on the phone.

Him on that one. KENNY LOGGINS: Oh, really?

Him to make more profits to buy more weapons. Blah, blah, blah.

His plan was to dress like a ghost?

History?! What're you trying to

Hit it!

Hmm, see what I did there?

Hmm? The door san?

Hmm. Dear Gilf Hound 69...

Hmm. Hmm hmm.

Hmm. I dunno if I'd be comfortable with that. I mean, even for me, it's..

Hold that thought. KRIEGER: Guys, come on, let's go!

Holding down the talk button thingy?

Holly? What's the FBI doing...

Holly's right. We do have a lot of

Holy shit, 26 times? Can't be good for me.

Holy shit, yogurt is amazing! Why have I never tried yogurt?!

Holy shit. What kind of colossal idiot

Holy.... LANA: Dickballs. Yes, Pam, I got it.

Honey, you're number 14

Hope he doesn't call me.

Hot one... LANA: Wait, what, of us? I'm the hot one!

Hounded by the fact that we betrayed our friends.

House, where we... We've been selling cocaine for the CIA so they could buy arms

HOUSEKEEPER: Mm hmm. PAM: So, I'm curious why

How about get started on that list?

How bout a big ol'

How can I? I've never heard of him.

How can they do that?!

How can they seize my penthouse?!

How could it be any worse?

How could we not?

How do you know about

How do you not remember that?

How do you stand there and crack wise when this

How does the title

How far away is the

How frickin' outlaw country is that?!

How have the rebels not wiped them out already?

How have you never tried yogurt?

How I went to night school to pass the CPA exam because I was so burned out

How is there still an army?

How is this better than your second fake 50th?

How is this my fault?

How long are you going to throw that in my face?!

How long are you gonna use that for an excuse?

How long will it take you, Archer,

How long?

How much money did you waste on that little boondoggle?

How should I know?

How should I...? Wait. How do you even know what a Bishop Score is?

How the hell should I... No...

How! A toast! PAM: Hear, hear!

How? You sold a million dollars of

Huh

Huh

Huh? ARCHER: Mmm... yep.

Huh. I didn't think she'd actually

Huh. Thought that would get more of a reaction.

Hunting women to force them to have surgery against their will.

Hypertension, preeclampsia, Braxton Hicks contractions,

I no, I go smoke some menthols!

I Pam shut up, and Archer you know better,

I actually don't have to do it ever.

I actually don't know. My church didn't really do the

I almost said "evening." More like months, though,

I also know what I'm doing!

I am how you say? deep cover.

I am gonna beat the shit out of you, Cyril!

I am not... Oh, my God. I am way too old.

I am obviously talking to these gringos, and also, if I am here, then you are obviously not in

I am open to blow jobs for money. I only got eight bucks on me,

I am, actually, which, whatever, but... (GUN COCKS)

I am. Starting now. Starting now...

I am... I am your biggest fan. Please, we go to the presidential palace?

I bet I wouldn't even enjoy...

I bet the Colombians didn't count on three passengers.

I bet the whole thing was his idea.

I booked Cherlene on Travis County Limits, and...

I bought a T shirt once where it stood for "Female

I call that a lose lose lose!

I can handle I'm used to that but... not Archer.

I can't believe I married you.

I can't believe they fell for that

I can't believe they're taking our building.

I can't!

I can’t! It's... (BANGING)

I correct you. You are wrong.

I could get extremely used to this. Matt, Joel, hi, shut up.

I could start smoking crack today, and he'd still

I didn't crash it! That crooked idiot drunk murdering cop did!

I didn't do it! I was just...

I didn't have a follow up... to that.

I didn't mean with whipped cream!

I didn't put a gun to your heads.

I didn't want to step on anybody's toes, but byoink.

I didn't...

I don't believe it. He made it.

I don't care about that. What I do care about are

I don't care who you are, when you get zapped with 50,000

I don't have any... (spraying)

I don't know how this could possibly be any wor...

I don't know, 2,000 miles?

I don't know. I mean, if it were anybody else I'd say no,

I don't know. I think Grandpapa lost interest

I don't think it's racist, it's just that I thought...

I don't think so, gringo.

I don't think so. One guy's wearing a T shirt from

I don't understand what you're...

I don't want to read about Kenny Loggins; I want to read about

I dunno, Cyril, maybe deep down

I dunno, maybe the gun, or...

I dunno, yes, shut up. Ramón, I'm sorry but this whole

I facetiously beg milady's pardon.

I flew the space shuttle...

I gained his trust.

I get 50% of the profits

I give you... the Red Kriegtober

I got beanbagged. (Pam growls)

I got certified as a doula, which, turns out, is not that hard.

I got it! Jesus!

I guess getting pooped out of a jaguar!

I have a country music star to manage.

I Have A Weird looking Vagina!

I have been bluffing the whole time, look.

I have been incredibly supportive of you!

I honestly don't know how much more I can take!

I hope you're a better lawyer than she is a singer

I I did? Yeah, see, I always

I I lied, okay? But hopefully our marriage is strong enough that, together and

I I... No, I didn't.

I I'm starting to lose it down here.

I insist that you leave immediately, as you have entered

I just feel like such a tourist.

I just frickin' got here, Ray!

I just had...

I just need to be sure you're not being held here

I just thought it was because I banged the landlord's

I knew you'd shoot without looking.

I know that?! I know it's bad,

I know the Yakuza will hunt us down forever, but I

I know, right? CALDERÓN: Cherlene. CHERLENE: What?!

I know, right? It's like, finally.

I know. I was kidding, stupid.

I learned it by watching you.

I loathe knowing that I had sex

I love Freaky Friday as much as the next gal,

I mean I can't leave you, stupid!

I mean it's not great, but... This is still some primo shit

I mean, hopefully I won't have to defend anybody in court,

I mean, I assume rival drug dealers aren't gonna be too

I mean, I assume she does. I do.

I mean, I'm definitely a doctor, so... no, I think we're good.

I mean, if you think we have time.

I mean, in gangster movies, they're always like...

I mean, not good enough to deposit in a bank, but...

I mean, not literally to your heads

I mean, not right then necessarily, although "tongue"

I mean, unless he's got a nuclear warhead in his pants...

I mean, we're talking major security clearance, so you got to assume there's a pretty

I mean, yeah! Duh

I mean...

I meant it'll be boring

I meant once we get there!

I must accept.

I must meet this woman.

I need... MALORY: WIC!

I never, ever, ever take his side!

I only lost 44.092 pounds of it, mother.

I probably wasn't going to anyway.

I promise.

I really shouldn't say anything.

I resent how you never take anything seriously,

I said don't come in here!

I said Ms. Archer had an affair with the head of

I said that's ridiculous,

I say yes, I know some maybe people,

I see now, what you were saying.

I swear to God, if I find out you're lying to me...

I swear to God, if you send me to freakin' rehab, I'll

I switched the coke in Little Rock, 'cause I was worried that...

I think she's in a pretty good place.

I think that's why the colored maids never felt

I think we may have a deal here.

I think what Ray did was awesome.

I think you just stumbled backwards into a CIA arms deal.

I think you just stumbled backwards into a CIA arms deal.

I think. I mean, it's in there, and she's alive.

I thought that was gonna be way more epic firebally

I thought they were cocks.

I thought we were running away from them! ARCHER: Hang on, shut up,

I thought you bought it

I told you, all about the machismo.

I took three Valium!

I took your falafel, and you were chasing me all around the

I trust the brain chip implant was a success?

I used to get it from work

I want Archer dead!

I want my phone call.

I want to go back to sleep!

I want to say "both," but I also don't want you to stop my heart

I want to say Burt Reynolds

I want to say... Burt Reynolds?

I wanted you to play a baby shower. (coughs)

I was about to murder us in the jungle?

I was going to be unhappy. Now, then.

I was gonna say cock.

I was kidding.

I was.

I will shoot this guy right in the... (GUNSHOT)

I wish you the best of luck in the years ahead, which you will spend in prison.

I won't even dignify that with a response.

I wonder what ever happened to

I would have thought that goes without saying.

I would, actually.

I, my beautiful wife, will live a simple life in the hills,

I, uh, hate to agree with Archer, but it could be

I... CALDERÓN: Not you, you baboon faced baboon.

I... Is there a

I... Jesus Christ, I'm sorry!

I... no, not what, huh? Damn it, man, I was sleepwalking.

I... oh, got a, I got a... whoa, ho, ho, ho, oh, ho, ho, oh, no!

I... that... I I don't... There's no need to bother the... Eh, look

I... that's...

I... Wait, where am I in that scenario?

I... Wait, why would I be mad at you?

I... wait. So, in three weeks, you go from

I... Wow, it seems like you've actually given this

I'd also waste five precious minutes of my head

I'd have to be super drunk, like so drunk

I'd have to be. And I will be,

I'd start talking.

I'll be your doctor.

I'll burn it down to the ground

I'll mail you your furs.

I'll send up some help. And, missy, you had better watch it.

I'll start looking for a laundromat

I'm a federal agent, and I'm coming!

I'm actually an excellent lawyer.

I'm afraid of any apex predator

I'm afraid your breakfast will be four minutes late.

I'm Cherlene now. And if somebody don't fry me six

I'm finally gonna get the outlaw country cred I deserve.

I'm fine. Just get out, leave me alone!

I'm going to the kitchen to make sure he doesn't

I'm gonna be bigger than Mac Davis.

I'm gonna be pretty upset

I'm gonna beat the shit outta both of y'all.

I'm gonna go Jerry Lee on your ass!

I'm gonna pour a ring of gas around me and set it on fire.

I'm kidding, obviously. RAY: Are you?

I'm not a dictator! I'm a president, like your Jorge Washington!

I'm not eating the goddamn keys! Ow!

I'm not even supposed to drink regular iced tea.

I'm not FBI, and he's not a...

I'm not here.

I'm not looking at her goddamn va... Joinks! Well, you don't need to shave.

I'm not telling Mother I lost the original hundred pounds

I'm not your secretary, Lana!

I'm pretty darn excited to be practicing law again.

I'm serious we can go underground, get new identities,

I'm serious, Archer, cut it out.

I'm serious, you are not putting those on me.

I'm serious, you are not putting those on me.

I'm seriously asking.

I'm seriously asking.

I'm so angry right now I can't even...

I'm sorry, Lana. I said a woman, not a

I'm sorry, uh, Yoshi

I'm sorry, was there

I'm Special Agent in Charge Holly, and you are extremely under arrest.

I'm sure it will, okay here's the dilly

I'm taking command!

I'm trying to get this stupid angle right, Lana, so you can look in the mirror

I'm trying to make that a thing people say, like,

I'm with Archer. I think those bikers just wanted to rob us, or...

I've already done that. Let him go

I've got a concussion.

I've got a concussion.

I've got good news and good news.

I've got the whole house wired up.

I've helped a cow give birth in the barn? Plus, one time, my sister Edie?

Identify yourself. RAY: Uh, guys? ARCHER: Just tell them Slater

Idiots! (both yelling)

Idiots. All right, I need them here

If anything goes wrong I'm holding you responsible.

If anything, I've been too lax, but please, let me benefit from

If he calls here, my plan, in its entirety,

If I end up having to murder Kenny Loggins.

If I get any more relaxed I will literally die!

If invited in, law enforcement can enter your home

If it even is a crime. I mean, is it?

If she even had a tiger. Plus, at this rate, we're gonna

If the CIA is backing the rebels against Calder... Ohhh!

If we don't spend it this year, we can't get an increase next year.

If we even make it to prison!

If we get out of here alive, I'll buy you all new cocaine.

If witness protection ever sends people to the Virgin Islands.

If you call me buddy again, I will put the bullets in your body by hand!

If you get hit in the chest between heartbeats, you can die.

If you spend any of this on heroin, you better buy enough to

If you were honest with yourself, you would realize

If you're satisfied with your voice mail greeting,

If you've got any sense, you'll fill your pockets, too! Because your regime is

Illegal activity, I demand that you...

Immediately deposed by me, but the situation is, as they say,

Immunity, testify against them, then you and I go into witness

Implying that you two haven't ever, cough,

Important distinction. LANA: Sorry, can I be a nag for a second?

Important to me, so I made Woodhouse get it from Mother's

Imposed the presidential term limits, but it wasn't passed by your congress until 1947, and

In a free country, where the world's largest manufacturers of sugary cereals are allowed to

In a supermax prison and... Oh, wait.

In an airplane full of cocaine!

In Casa de Addams Family with you two!

In my prison canteen account. I'm looking your way, Mr. Archer.

In the blocker car, duh, if Cyril didn't just break the stupid axle.

In the house.

In the room. Namely... What are we gonna do with literally, not figuratively,

In the trunk of a taxi to the airport, your belly full of diamonds and vodka,

In there about fairy dust and then what happens?

In West Virginia.

In which case, I would not put a lot of money

In which... No, you obviously wouldn't

In your work! Not that you ever do any, but...

In... several mirrors! PAM: Oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man...

Inappropes.

Inappropriate.

Including anything you find on my computer.

Including the black caiman, which can grow up to 22 feet!

Incoming bombers! From their heading, they appear..

Incredible.

Initial supply of 1,000 kilos of cocaine, we...

Instead of those little rubber bands in there, it's just, you

Intel? No, do not compare what we

International cartel. But let me be clear.

International contacts from your ISIS days.

Interspecies breeding, and get on with your life!

Into a CIA backed, anti Communist,

Into the goddamn ocean! ARCHER: I'll take my chances

Irish Mob.

Is a cash based business. Why don't I just leave that

Is a finite amount of golden hour.

Is Bravo Twelve. Redeploy your troops to sector four.

Is completely unenforceable.

Is either plutonium or a human soul

Is it murder if they were my own clones?

Is it not?

Is it too late to not have it?

Is just muy complicado. Sorry,

Is somewhat my fault, Cyril. We can talk about it later.

Is stolen and crammed full of guns and cocaine!

Is such an honor to meet you. I'm Malory Archer. CALDERÓN: Wow.

Is that what you were going to say?!

Is that why you're up on those goddamn cans?

Is that? RAY: Isaac goddamn Newton!

Is the part where I hold you responsible.

Is the White House has lost faith in your ability to win this war!

Is there a Ruby? See if there's a Ruby.

Is there a Ruby?! PAM: It's pretty close to

Is there some way I can make this all up to you?

Is this about the fake hydrogen bomb?

Is to ask him where he is.

Is what happened. LANA: And it's...

Is... is that what I think it is?

Isn't a hotel, right? LANA: And even if it were, that is not how you'd go about

Isn't it? Since we started scrabbling for

Isn't loco, it's Wait, what's the word

It almost always does. Case in point.

It almost always is.

It be? I mean...

It costs, like, two grand a day just to keep them alive.

It doesn't sound very good.

It doesn't work with a bow... tiiiiiiiiieeeeee!

It freaked me out seeing her cry like that.

It has a simple elegance.

It is absolutely a thing, and do you just not have

It is. In the cage in the pantry.

It just kind of spun by itself!

It just needs to be constructive.

It looks kind of... KRIEGER: Ugh, Pam, they can't leave valuable towels and ice

It never struck you as odd

It said, baffling medical science.

It sounds kind of bad.

It still says "German East Africa."

It up, I slap on a mailing label from the printer, bing bang

It up! (all exclaiming)

It up! Hey oh!

It was 1940! CYRIL And where am I supposed

It was like seeing my dad cry.

It was muy complicado Lana! And the last wish

It was still a stupid,

It was too heavy.

It.

It. Apparently, Krieger's online

It. Apparently, Krieger's online

It... I think I actually may

It's 5:50 in the goddamn morning!

It's 8:30 in the morning.

It's a breast pump. Go ahead and use it now if you

It's a good servant's worst nightmare

It's a kidnapping, it's a kidnapping to kidnap me, Cherlene!

It's a layette. Onesies, binkies,

It's a mononym, like Cher. CYRIL: Pliny.

It's a narco sub. For transporting cocaine.

It's all about machismo. Last chance!

It's all about machismo. Last chance!

It's all gravy to him. ARCHER: Yeah, Lana. I was actually wondering that

It's all over the news every night

It's all your fault, it's all your fault.

It's an exciting time for her. LANA: This.

It's annoying vagueness.

It's bad enough I'm packed into this flying boxcar with you... (gasping)

It's been a long night. ARCHER: Oh, yeah, wh why are

It's better to have a gun and not need it than to be the

It's counterfeit! Every last bill!

It's for Pam's own good.

It's for your own good, dear.

It's full of nerve gas, and I don't know where it's aimed!

It's good because it's cocaine!

It's like you said, he's dug in there like a tick, and...

It's me, dear, Mrs. J. Edgar Hoover's mother.

It's not as if I had a choice.

It's not exactly worthless.

It's not just a shower, it's more communal, like a Japanese onsen, or...

It's okay, stupid, I forgive you.

It's Pam's fault we had to give the Yakuza 100 kilos.

It's Ron. Hello...

It's so weird, I mean, she's a billionaire,

It's some kind of unholy, adolescent human amphibian hybrid creature.

It's the army.

It's the jungle, nobody digs graves,

It's totally undetectable by the Coast Guard.

It's um, uh...

It's your CB handle! I told it to everybody from here to Kentucky!

It's your fault we're in this stupid jungle in the first place!

It's your mother.

It's your own fault. ARCHER: Debatable.

Item Cadillacs! Nope.

Item two... Woodhouse! Get in here!

Its face, or taste the salty spray of the sea, I... I...

Itty bitty booties, blah blah blah.

J 'accuse!

J. Alfred Gotrocks. ARCHER: What?

Jealous, and so you just want to ruin it for me.

Jeezy Petes!

Jesus Christ, come on, you idiot.

Jesus Christ, have you people never even heard of

Jesus Christ, how long does it take him

Jesus Christ, woman, calm down! We've got five hours of fuel,

Jesus Christ. Thanks for the concussion,

Jesus God, woman, nothing is ever good enough for you!

Jesus, I feel so helpless out here! What if something goes wrong?

Jesus, Ron, man up. I've been shot...

Jesus, that's like a mile.

Jesus, what is wrong with you two?

Jesus, what is wrong with you? LANA: I guess I just don't

Jesus! Alright already!

Jesus. LANA: I, um...

Jim Messina is a genius, and without him, no Poco.

Jinx!

Johnny Cash was in Folsom Prison and San Quentin, so...

Jorge Washington which, apparently, I've been mispronouncing wrong this whole

Jug down! MALORY: As difficult as that

JULIANA: Exhausting. ARCHER: Mmm.

JULIANA: Juliana Calderón. MALORY: A pleasure to meet you, Juliana.

JULIANA: No. CALDERÓN: Uh, darling, how was your afternoon?

JULIANA: Oh. MALORY: I'm sorry, may I call you...

JULIANA: So hot and sweaty. To be honest, I'm ARCHER: Mmm.

Just because it's from the outlet store doesn't mean

Just call me Slater. And sorry about the beanbag.

Just doing your job, but if Kenny doesn't get this

Just forgive me for what's about to happen.

Just let me clear the ol'

Just lying around. Hotel profit margins are very thin.

Just making sure you're not into preggo porn.

Just once, why can't you take...

Just once, why can't you take...

Just pick a stupid car. But the perfect car, so that for

Just some guys. We'll go see them, they're cool,

Just to screw with everybody, because of your complete...

Just waltz into enemy territory and...

Just want to hand them an M 16.

Just what do you people think the letters FBI stand for?

K Log needs to pay for sex, do you?

K Log won't shoot, punk? ARCHER: No, I think K Log is

K Log, damn it. RICKY: Yeah, I'm kind of with

K Log. (sighs) Jesus, don't ever get a

Keep him out of the kitchen. All right, fan out!

Keep your voice down.

KENNY LOGGINS: (sighs) Yes. CHERLENE: Wow, snotty.

KENNY LOGGINS: Aah! PAM and RICKY: Aah!

KENNY LOGGINS: As if you don't know.

KENNY LOGGINS: Drop it! (gun cocks)

KENNY LOGGINS: How? ARCHER: Uh...

KENNY LOGGINS: Mm, more just embarrassed.

KENNY LOGGINS: No, I didn't. (crash, glass shatters)

KENNY LOGGINS: Oh, yeah? Well, I think you need to

KENNY LOGGINS: Shit. ARCHER: Ooh, okay.

KENNY LOGGINS: Tell Borgnar I'll see him in hell!

KENNY LOGGINS: Uh, hang on. Hit him again.

KENNY LOGGINS: Wait, what? ARCHER: The Dirty Diaper

KENNY LOGGINS: Well, I'll tell you the same thing I told

KENNY LOGGINS: Well, maybe because it's in the rider,

KENNY LOGGINS: Why do I pay you 20 grand a month?

KENNY LOGGINS: Zap, Ricky, zap!

Kenny Loggins? ARCHER: Wha...?

Kidnapping idea when we have more time, but she still has

Kidnapping the Pope...

Killing me over a briefcase full of what I can only assume

Kilos of cocaine, which was worth about $6 million, so...

Kind of doula would I be if I let you have more...

Kind of like the A Team, but we sell drugs.

Kind of looked ex military, now that you mention it.

Kitchen, the top of the grand staircase, the..

Knocking up the au pair, flunking out of college, and

Know what? Never mind. But, spoiler alert, Vader ends

Know. ARCHER: Lana! Lana!

Know... CYRIL: Dicks?

Knows he's a little GILF.

Knows she'll be murdered if anyone finds out she's La

Krieger sells it all! ARCHER: Before what?

Krieger, do you think a chip could cure someone of

Krieger, I am about two seconds away from telling

Krieger, I assume the whatever...

KRIEGER: Aah! But you were temporarily so happy!

KRIEGER: Am I supposed to be recording this?

KRIEGER: And when I realized it would never feel the wind on

KRIEGER: Archer! ARCHER: What?! KRIEGER: Ow, ah, hang on...

KRIEGER: But if she eats them, we lose the whole red,

KRIEGER: Eh... MALORY: What?

KRIEGER: Goddamn it! MALORY: Oh, for the..

KRIEGER: Gross. CHERLENE: Oh, my God.

KRIEGER: I blew it up! Goddamn you all to hell, I blew

KRIEGER: It's, um, you know, not... It's...

KRIEGER: No. It's like shopping online, only

KRIEGER: Of me! We're running to find them. PAM: Wait, what?

KRIEGER: Ooh, hang on, maybe this is it. PAM: I don't know.

KRIEGER: There's still a little cocaine left.

KRIEGER: Wait, literally? LANA: No, Krieger, not

KRIEGER: We pack it up and MALORY: Oh, for...

KRIEGER: We will never recognize Tanganyika!

KRIEGER: Well, it's not that so much as...

KRIEGER: Well, whatever, as long as they don't nationalize

KRIEGER: What're you... we can't kill them! PAM: Well, not now.

KRIEGER: Yeah, if it's insane to use an X gen asymmetric onion

KRIEGER: Yes! Good, yes, that is perfect!

Krieger. KRIEGER: What the hell was

Krieger's the loose cannon, Judd Nelson, and Lana, you're... um...

L am. Thank you.

La Madrina, yes, the Godmother.

La...

Lab, so take Ray and see if you can find some info on how to

LANA (whistles): Pressing on. So then you stumble into another

LANA Even if you give back the pills?

Lana he gave his palabra!

Lana, cut it... Ow! Ow!

Lana, did you find an arms dealer?

Lana, go through the old ISIS files and find an arms dealer

Lana, I need a woman's touch!

Lana, let it go. Jesus.

Lana, Ramón vouches for them, I vouch for him,

Lana, we had long talks about this.

Lana, you and I, more me, were two of the best

LANA: (chuckles) Okay, calm down.

LANA: (gasps) Archer. ARCHER: Because you're

LANA: Although not for lack of trying. ARCHER: Exactly, that's my

LANA: And do we want to talk about this or...

LANA: Aw, Cyril. Who's next?

LANA: Because that thing's a hundred years old.

LANA: Calderon? (gasps) As in Gustavo Calderon?

LANA: Film! It's the best time to record

LANA: How does that thing leave this room?

LANA: How's the balls? ARCHER: Ruined? I'm pretty sure?

LANA: I am, and also, happy Opposite Day.

LANA: I don't... MALORY: The point is, they

LANA: I will, Archer. I really will. AIR TRAFFIC CONTROLLER:

LANA: I'll be happy when I can sleep without getting up to

LANA: It's from a song? ARCHER: Yes, it's from a

LANA: Krieger. ARCHER: Yeah, Krieger.

LANA: No, Archer, I mean why! What happened to no more anonymous sex?

LANA: Oh, my God, you guys. KRIEGER: Me first, here!

LANA: Oh, my God. MALORY: What the hell are you talking about?

LANA: Oh! MALORY: So do yourself and

LANA: Oh. Oh, okay.

LANA: Okay, let me stop you. Having the baby don't know why

LANA: Okay, not that, but wait, really? ARCHER: Yeah, I've totally

LANA: Really? ARCHER: I've totally, relatively cleaned up my act.

LANA: So, what, you think I'm Ally Sheedy? MALORY: Are you all just

LANA: So, you leave here with a bunch of the first load of

LANA: Still talking about this.

LANA: That cannot still be a thing.

LANA: That's good. CALDERÓN: Please, come, come. Come, come, come, come, come.

LANA: The... PAM: The light takes on a

LANA: Uh, hang on. Okay. (clears throat)

LANA: Uh, Malory? (Malory screams)

LANA: Um... KRIEGER: Or the Red

LANA: Wait, seriously? Molly Ringwald. ALL: Eh...

LANA: Wait, what?

LANA: Well played. PAM: I've got crate lag. LANA: And where are you

LANA: Well, it's Tanzania now, so...

LANA: What? ARCHER: Yes, she's the rich one, she's a redhead...

LANA: What? MALORY: It's like welfare but

LANA: What?! MALORY: What... do you want?

LANA: When have you ever been on a bus? ARCHER: No, from the movies

LANA: Which, again... MALORY: I know, but if

LANA: Why would you think that?! ARCHER: I'm sorry, do you

LANA: Wow. This baby shower actually went

LANA: Yeah, because I'm curious how we tell Calderón we turned six million dollars'

LANA: Yeah, I got that. But do you think the cover for a

LANA: You are what's wrong with me!

Lana!

Lana!

Lana! He's helping a dear friend!

Lana?

Lana. Are you crazy?

Lana's baby shower. PAM: Goddamn it.

Landing. LANA: Thank you for hearing my concerns.

Last of it. The weight's good.

Lately you've been putting so much pressure on him.

Laughing at "dicktrap"?

Launch sequence accelerated.

Launch sequence initiated.

Launch this giant nerve gas missile at, uh..

Launders it in inner city methadone clinics, and pumps it right back

Layer of pure white. Until you can see nothing of the painting below.

Lead. PAM: Could I just follow

Leader's name was... SLATER: Slater.

League that impregnating her would've basically been

Leak out of a...? Ow! Ow! Cut it... Ow, goddamn it!

Leaving? They can't compel a husband and

Lemme eat forty pounds of coke filled rubbers,

Lemme stop you, before you say

Len Trexler..

Let go of me!

Let it go. And give me one of those mints.

Let me do it! Come on! Just for a minute!

Let Sterling deal with this in that ridiculous blocker car.

Let's give an M 16 to a bunch of wild Indians!

Let's go here.

Let's just give Moto his drugs and be glad we dodged

Let's just give them Cherlene. That is the very definition of a win win!

Let's see Ms. Archer bitch about that.

Let's set up lunch with Adnan Khashoggi, I... (knocking)

Liberals say this much, conservatives say this much...

Like a big bag of cocaine!

Like an idiot. You look like, uh... Oh, my God.

Like Kenny Loggins is gonna be registered under his own name.

Like this is about you and not really about Lana

Like we're selling cocaine to little kids.

Like you to meet your daughter, Abbiejean.

Like, 50 times I asked you about that!

Like, fifty times I tried to explain this!

Like, maybe a helicopter pad, or...?

Like, nearing the end of her rope.

Like, twice as much cocaine! MALORY: Is this the part

Likes the Paco Rabanne. (gasps)

Literally and figuratively.

Literally emas... (coughs) Okay, so, for a few weeks, I've

Literally tons.

Literally true. Oye, muchachos! Agarrenlos!

Literally. PAM: Aww.

Loaded the plane with the weapons, said we were heading

Loggins?! KENNY LOGGINS: Ricky, bad

Look at you, drinking Ben Franklin's wine like it's Kool Aid, surrounded by

Look, here's some cocaine puddin; here's some more

Look, here's the thing about the McCracken brothers...

Looks like old Snowball done it again!

Lot of pretty major expenses coming up, and since we haven't

Loud. I have cigarettes, if you want

Ls this all just a game to you people?

Ly. MALORY: Uh huh.

Lying in the road. Come on, you don't want a thing like that falling into the wrong

Ma'am

Mad, but they are in pretty dangerous territory, and Ray

Made a connection, Cyril.

Made... in Georgia.

Maid, or working in the laundry, even one time helping to carry some rocks?

Make a phone call, and someone will come.

Make it back somehow. And I'm not doing that selling cocaine, thanks to Sterling,

Make you walk alone

Makes it kinda weird. I...

Makes more sense. LANA: Than...?

Making music and packaging cocaine, so this baby shower is

MALORY (chuckles): Well, thank you. Anyhoo, hello?

MALORY (chuckling): Well... LANA: But... Hush. I have a

MALORY (sighs): How do you not know about San Marcos?

MALORY and ARCHER: Lana, I swear...

MALORY and ARCHER: No, not from me!

MALORY: "Woo," exactly. Then I am happy.

MALORY: (sighs) Lana, it's too late to...

MALORY: American. ARCHER: Yeah, and the

MALORY: And gripe all you want, but no one is eating Eggs

MALORY: And so Gillette lands safely I'm sure there's a joke

MALORY: And so our heroes, such as they are, have run out

MALORY: And so, starting now, in addition to the country

MALORY: And so... ARCHER: Jesus.

MALORY: And then how do they get the cocaine?

MALORY: Are you bothering them?

MALORY: But... so do people e mail you, or...?

MALORY: Cyril, this is an opportunity to finally make

MALORY: Enough already! My God, are you people paid by the word?

MALORY: Excuse me? ARCHER: I meant the pain of

MALORY: Good, then it's settled. ARCHER: If you say so,

MALORY: Gustavo Calderon, aka Baby Gus, is the president of

MALORY: I beg your pardon?

MALORY: I think you've managed to stumble backwards

MALORY: I... defer to you? CALDERÓN: Then yes, I think to start.

MALORY: I'm sorry, may I call you Gustavo? CALDERÓN: No.

MALORY: I'm sorry? CALDERÓN: Tanks? MALORY: For?

MALORY: If I can just stop you there

MALORY: If I see this glass empty again, I will be very

MALORY: Is she bothering you? OTHERS: Yes!

MALORY: Item one: Woodhouse, sc****.

MALORY: Join the club. Because believe me, if I had

MALORY: Krieger! KRIEGER: Mm?

MALORY: Krieger? KRIEGER: Well, I needed

MALORY: Lana, when I want you to talk, I will tell you, and

MALORY: Not you. Really? $200?

MALORY: Nothing! ARCHER: Yeah, Lana.

MALORY: Now, he's the one who teabagged you? (Pam growls suggestively)

MALORY: Obviously from Sterling. ARCHER: Obviously from Mother.

MALORY: Oh, blow it out your ass!

MALORY: Oh, how... JULIANA: Inspiring, really. MALORY: Mmm.

MALORY: Oh, my God. ARCHER: Yeah, I could've

MALORY: Oh, tanks! ARCHER: Thanks. Tanks? MALORY: We do tanks!

MALORY: On what? Sterling, with you, that could almost literally be anything.

MALORY: Preferably one who cooks.

MALORY: Ray, Cyril, go help Krieger pack the cocaine.

MALORY: Sterling, how are you not dead?

MALORY: Sterling! Where are your manners? ARCHER: Probably in my room,

MALORY: Stop bothering them. LANA: They're the ones...

MALORY: Tell me what's going on or I will literally

MALORY: That's the CIA's problem. Calderón doesn't care.

MALORY: The problem, Señor Presidente, the problem, you see, the problem is...

MALORY: They are trying to make a record, Lana, and there

MALORY: We are in the arms business.

MALORY: We are? CALDERÓN: And discussing a shipment of four American tanks.

MALORY: Well, I should hope so. Or is that not...?

MALORY: Well, I suppose me. And all of this.

MALORY: Well, it was either that or...

MALORY: Wha...? No! CALDERÓN: Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God, sorry, I'm

MALORY: What the...

MALORY: What?

MALORY: Which is why these feckless idiots lost 200 kilos

MALORY: Why would I want to ruin your album?

MALORY: Wonderful. CYRIL: I was going to say

MALORY: Woodhouse, dear, I need some more ice.

MALORY: Woodhouse? WOODHOUSE: Mum.

MALORY: Yoo hoo! And about that, I was hoping that you and I could discuss

MALORY: You're welcome to. I, personally, am going to bed.

Man, that must kill. ARCHER: Yeah

Man, why bother with coke? I just made 100,000 pesos for

Man! Now gimme the goddamn weapon.

Maricela? Wait, or Ruby?

Matter of my putting the deed to my apartment in your name.

Mawp!

Mawp. Mawp.

May also kiss the bride.

May crush the rebel dogs. Did they tell you what is for dinner?

Maybe at ISIS. But on ISIS missions, you had

Maybe I was busy saving your life once, and then you shot me.

Maybe not in the hall, but it's not like they make ice with trays.

Maybe not now, but I know you still have a lot of

Maybe someday you'll meet a mummy.

Maybe we'll get lucky, find an entire town that wants to commit suicide.

Maybe wherever he got that new kind of V.D.

McCracken brothers, Phil and Odie.

Me about that until just now? PAM: You said shut up,

Me Coronel Ana Maria Delgado de la Policía Nacional.

Me some towels? PAM: Yep! KRIEGER: You're not going to,

Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me. CYRIL: Krieger? What'd you, see a ghost?

Me, missy. You are getting a brain chip,

Me. Scrooch!

Me. What the...?

Mean why? LANA: Wh... Yes! Why?!

Means. What I don't know is who you

Measly pounds of cocaine?! Or whatever we're down to now,

Meat is blood and bones and sinew!

Meat is whatever the tiger says is meat, because

Meep, meep, meep!

Meep? Meep?

Meep. Meep.

Meets Scarface! That makes me...

Meh, heh, heh. I'm a hateful shrew! And this is my idiot son, Archer.

Meh.

Memory of me as a child, and it's snowing, and there's a creepy old man trying to take me

Merchandise. (Pam and Cherlene shouting) (guns clicking)

Mexico, Colombia, the Orient. I bet it wouldn't be too hard to

Miami.

Middle of a civil war. Communist rebels are tearing

Middle of the damn Everglades. RAY: Well, not within fuel

Million more dicks, like, uh, if you cut open a golf ball, only

Million?

Mind driving around in a new Cadillac, do you?

Minus however much Pam ate, probably two kilos.

Minus the 20 kilos you sold for Monopoly money, oh,

Minutes to launch: 150.

Minutes to launch: 180.

Minutes to launch... six...

Mis amigas, por favor!

Missed everything, and his prognosis is excellent

Missy! Read it!

Mixed it, called my phone and left it as a message, stole your

Mm, like, three out of four, tops. You big baby.

Mmkay, two, how can you eat a pound of

Mmm, I didn't know it was that good.

Mmm, mm hmm.

Mmm, no, all we've got so far is Spyridon Skorpio

Mmm, yeah, and so... anything post World War I?

Moot point, though, really, if you're an American

Mother, be careful, that crazy thing's got a mind of its own.

Mother, come on, we're not...

Mother, do that.

Mother!

Mother. CALDERÓN: No, no, no, I'm sorry, I I thought this was why

Mother's the one who got us arrested for treason

Movement. Just like Hannibal at the battle

Mr. Archer, please turn around and place your hands behind your back.

Mr. My Mother's A Lying Bitch And I'm Too Stupid To Realize

Multi talented wife! You are here!

Murder Kenny Loggins. PAM: Wait, wait, wait, wait,

Music business, which... CHERLENE: Right?

My album's coming out, and it's gonna be huge, and you're all

My baby's not gonna be a coke addict!

My contact's people may buy the rest.

My father fought the rebels, his father fought the rebels...

My God, are they...

My God, how I envy the deaf.

My God, I have so many questions. Are you clones of me?

My God, I'm broke.

My God, it's not as if I care. As long

My God, they could already be dead!

My har to beat, yerp,

My husband kicked me out of my own home,

My Life's A Pathetic Joke!

My men must think this was my decision.

My muscly shoulders poking into your tum tum?

My point, unless Pam

My point. Is how did you, Malory,

Myself. MALORY: All that matters is that Calderón pays us for this

Nah, Cheryl's gone.

Name tag. ARCHER: (gasps) Ruby! Ruby!

Named Borgnar. And I don't want your crazy

Nationwide.

n****es you're suddenly so nuts about.

Never felt better! I hope that lasts.

Never forgive this debt of honor.

Never!

Next time, remind me to get shot in the head.

Nice, eh? Is the best club in Miami.

Nice.

Nice. Anyway, they called us in, uh,

No more of that bush league nonsense.

No no no no no! Again!

No one here was shot by the Yakuza?

No phrasing thing is killing me. RAY: Best case, our

No, actual piracy.

No, actually, here it goes. I'm leaving.

No, but my word is literally law. One of the perks of being a dictator.

No, don't, no, don't... (gunshot)

No, don't!

No, gracias. Yo tengo mucha cocaína.

No, I can't go out like this...

No, I didn't mean another animal.

No, I was gonna say "hat."

No, I... (GASPS) Oh, my God, that's right.

No, I'm fine, don't worry about me.

No, I'm honestly not judging you...

No, I'm not, Lana, so shut your dicktrap.

No, Leon!

No, move!

No, no, nah. Smoked a reefer cigarette once.

No, no, never mind. It's just a fan.

No, no, no, leave me alone!

No, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no, that's the best part, it's here!

No, no, no, wait, come on, Lana, I I'm sorry, but

No, no, no, wait, wait, wait!

No, no, no, you don't walk off after one song; you get back out there this instant.

No, no, not all of it. (Pam sobbing)

No, no, not just him.

No, no, they seemed nice, jazz cats

No, no. I... Look, I know, but go outside the palace walls, and trust me,

No, not the minute they're...

No, not the room. These.

No, please stay. Mi amor, may I present to you Sterling Archer, and also his charming mother Malory.

No, please, don't disturb me, I think I'm getting a migraine...

No, Ramón, getting my stolen money back

No, sir, he...

No, that's barges. Shut up!

No, uh uh, nope.

No, we can't, or we can fly out

No, we... Well, we had a tonne, T O N N E, also known

No, we're in Central America. (gasps) CHERLENE: Oh, my God!

No, why don't we buy guns?

No, you definitely smelled a skeleton.

No, you did.

No, your utter contempt for your own mortality!

No! Let me go!

No! That was something else! He was never with us as a child!

No! We are so not married!

No? All right, then I will.

No? No? No?

No.

No.

No.

No.

No. We're we're not going back.

Nobody move

Nobody move!

Nobody move!

Nobody move! FBI!

Nobody really knows! Hang on!

Nobody wants an enema.

None of the doctors had ever seen before...

Nope. Do you know who we are?

Normal size, non metaphorical bullets.

Not a... Amish Bible! PAM: You got to sex that shit

Not always Randy. GILLETTE (chuckling): Oh, my

Not anyone personally; it's idiotic.

Not as scary as having to live

Not even a name? What if this "person" is

Not even with an infrared camera. MALORY: So... what's the

Not gonna lie to you, I had a couple, or six plus you keep

Not her birthday

Not invading Quebec. ARCHER: Oh, yeah, then they

Not like you have a man waiting for you.

Not moving in. I was smart enough to put

Not now, you shriveled... MALORY: Wait a minute.

Not one word.

Not ratified by the requisite number of American states until 1951, so...

Not screwing up this deal, because if it all goes well,

Not see you there. I was comforting this brave

Not that kind of chokepoints.

Not to give a... ♪ LANA: Goddamn it!

Not to jail with you and your mother.

Not to mention a bunch of people, which, compared to

Not to mention four kinds of caiman,

Not until he admits he's been half assing

Not until you apologize.

Not without a blood transfusion, no.

Not without a blood transfusion.

Nothing! You don't just turn it off! It wasn't my war!

Nothing.

Nothing. It's the keys!

Now I'm coming

Now I'm coming

Now I'm coming

Now I'm coming Coming home to you

Now I'm coming home to you

Now move that big fat smelly ass, you hear? A Day No Pigs Would Die?

Now push that button, right there.

Now we just have to see if t were any adverse side effects.

Now what the hell is in that briefcase?

Now what was her name? I want to say Mariela?

Now who's the ditz, huh?

Now, get out there and have some fun!

Now, I cannot stress this enough, Pam: follow my lead.

Now, I would like a ride home, please.

Now, if you will excuse me, I need to remove my underwear with a blowtorch.

Now, look, before either of us does something we'll both

Now, remember, let me do the talking.

Number of hands, but they're currently kind of full and you need a slappin', so...

Numbness of my nipples. MALORY: And why are you

Numerous... long talks.

O.D. on, bec... WOODHOUSE: Will do!

Obituary was going to read anyway.

Obstructing... a federal agent... is a felony...

Obstruction results in the bodily injury of said agent,

Obviously 110 AC,

Obviously, but..

Obviously! I mean look at those big bastards!

OctKrieger. I can't decide

Odessa. You know, the ratlines?

Of "plain view," anything illegal say, a truckload of

Of a coma from when I drowned saving your life eight months ago?

Of a coma from when I drowned, saving your life eight months ago?

Of amphetamines, so now they're gonna cut her head off.

Of Cannae. And also Keith, in my

Of cocaine! ARCHER: Yeah, La... Oh.

Of course you don't, because you don't live

Of fuel and... what. RAY: No, no, no!

Of God, man, jump! CYRIL: Just throw out the

Of her heroic struggle to finally triumph over it?

Of itself, but it's better than the cocaine donuts and whipped

Of skills Pam, legs!

Of treason, we are now forced to transfer

Of worthless counterfeit money?

Of you.

Of your food and share it with people.

Of your share of the profits.

Of..

Officially over. And I've seen coups from Angola to Zanzibar, and this is how it ends:

Oh my God Lana, Lana, you know what I could

Oh my God Lana, Lana, you know what I could

Oh my God, I forgot about the space pirates!

Oh okay so I should take life advice from

Oh, all right! We obviously can't go to war

Oh, and by the way, Officer, there's another 2,000

Oh, and it was a good idea to lock up all the

Oh, and just so you know, that's exactly how

Oh, and our health insurance.

Oh, and some meat. Do we have any meat?

Oh, and throw a bone into me.

Oh, because, speaking of sexual assault...

Oh, boy.

Oh, boy.

Oh, come on, guys, we talked about this!

Oh, come on!

Oh, dear God.

Oh, don't act so surprised, Juliana! It's not like we're in love any more!

Oh, don't worry about that...

Oh, for the... That's tight enough we're not making

Oh, for the...! I'm pregnant!

Oh, for...

Oh, for... He didn't know that I made a deal to sell cocaine for the CIA.

Oh, for... I don't

Oh, for... Pam, who cares?

Oh, for... Pam, who cares?

Oh, for... that is just...

Oh, geez. Oh, geez. Oh, geez.

Oh, God, I think I swallowed a leech...

Oh, God.

Oh, goddamn it! Did you fart in that?

Oh, goddamn it! That can't be a thing!

Oh, goddamn it.

Oh, good. 'Cause for a second there,

Oh, goody

Oh, I'm sorry, Ray. By "hammer," I meant

Oh, it bankrupted him, and the crazy

Oh, Jesus Christ. Can the mind vomit?

Oh, just checking in, making sure you folks aren't

Oh, Malory, come on. This is Archer, okay?

Oh, man... How is it noon?

Oh, milady facetiously grants it.

Oh, my

Oh, my God, are you...? Archer, you used to moan about him in your sleep!

Oh, my God, Cyril, for the... We're not just

Oh, my God, he's totally a

Oh, my God, is Beaker not the best?

Oh, my God, my beautiful and also

Oh, my God, okay, first of all, he... Actually, yeah, Pam, let's hear

Oh, my God, okay, so this ditz... Oh.

Oh, my God, okay. That's really funny.

Oh, my God, Ray!

Oh, my God, right? Can you imagine?

Oh, my God, that's great, so..

Oh, my God, that's right.

Oh, my God, the darkness, babe, I'm slipping

Oh, my God, we've got something like 900,000

Oh, my God, when my mom died?

Oh, my God, you always take his side!

Oh, my God, you gotta help me! LANA: Oh, for the... there is no ice machine!

Oh, my God, you guys, where are we gonna land?

Oh, my God, you have no idea. It's like this ache in the pit of your stomach.

Oh, my God, you've always deserved it.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. All we have now is my Walther

Oh, my God. Although, now that you mention

Oh, my God. And little kids eat it?

Oh, my God. That's a coca leaf smoothie.

Oh, my God. You're pregnant again?!

Oh, nice to meet you, Mrs

Oh, no, that wasn't my dad. Well, who was it? Doesn't matter who.

Oh, really, you know me that well?!

Oh, really? That that is obviously not what I...

Oh, right. Uh, we should get that out.

Oh, shut up.

Oh, Sterling, I'm s so c cold...

Oh, totally. And then this one here goes all

Oh, uh, yeah, so about that...

Oh, wait until you see inside, díos mio,

Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!

Oh, we're taking everything! Furs, jewels, the silverware,

Oh, well, I'm torn, Lana, I really am.

Oh, well, then perhaps we should get

Oh, what about Ray's brother, the pot farmer?

Oh, who cares?

Oh, who remembers? Well, what did he say?

Oh, yeah? They may not have to compel me.

Oh, yeah?! Just try...

Oh, yeah.

Oh, you mean as a front, because a laundromat

Oh, you want to see who's a big boy?

Oh, you were serious?

Oh, you're just jealous.

Oh! Ow!

Oh.

Oh.

Oh. Duh.

Oh. Hello, old friend.

Oh. I stand corrected.

Oh. Now that is a vehicle. Hmm.

Oh. Okay, we got to get out of here.

Oh. Okay. So, it doesn't have an explosive payload, so it's basically just a flying

Oh. Right.

Oh. Wait. No, not a sled. A pneumatic bolt gun.

Oh. Well, now I feel like a...

Oh... n no. We're not doing that.

Okay okay, ya know what? Fine.

Okay, but I'm taking these.

Okay, Cheryl... Goddamn it, Archer!

Okay, couple Q's, I'd love some A's.

Okay, don't take this the wrong way... but I would rather lose the baby.

Okay, done. Now, here's what I propose.

Okay, even if that were

Okay, fine, so during the boring parts, just scream "outlaw

Okay, first of all..

Okay, go, go, go, go, go

Okay, good, 'cause the dressing up like Mr. Archer part

Okay, here's the plan.

Okay, I actually only have one brain chip, so... who's our

Okay, I didn't know in your scenario

Okay, if we're doing a list?

Okay, knock it off.

Okay, Krieger, Cyril, get in there, and we'll spin you

Okay, listen up, there are way too many windows and

Okay, now you sound high.

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

Okay, okay, okay, so remember how I used to

Okay, Okay. Ow!

Okay, Ray, ballpark, how long will it take you

Okay, so he forwards his phone here, that's easy,

Okay, so how do we get Ray and his useless legs out of here?

Okay, so maybe Crocodylus intermedius is in play.

Okay, so what's your plan?

Okay, so where would Archer get that much coke?

Okay, so, apparently a big thing at truck stops is a game called craps.

Okay, so, as you know, or should know, I'm pregnant and...

Okay, specs are all in the green. So, let me just reboot the

Okay, that that

Okay, that's just unacceptable. Pam, I'm going in!

Okay, this is a presidential order from the

Okay, uh... Lana, I need to borrow your weapon.

Okay, um, thanks for your concern, and I don't know

Okay, we should make a list. Item one: some paper to write

Okay, well, that's also good,

Okay, when we get to rebel HQ, they might be

Okay! Listen, stop, listen to me!

Okay. Then here we go.

Okay. Well, then you are an idiot.

Okay...

On being an ass, I can't stop you, but there is the small

On keeping Ms. Gillette here as a voice coach...

On record as saying that a glass swimming pool on

On second thought, I very much prefer to be taken alive.

On the fronts of the uniforms, huh?

On the one that made Len Trexler think he was a giant lettuce?

On the palace, you won't be able to swing a dead cat around here without hitting a Marine.

On the planet..

On three. No, no, no.

On what kind of mother you want to be.

On. (CHUCKLES) Sorry.

Once he filled the Museum of Natural History with

Once in her life, Ms. Archer can't bitch. And we'll be driving through a

Once the fibers get damaged, that's basically just a sweater vest.

One about a crippled cyborg, who all he did was pussy ache about

One fairly predictable thing is gonna happen now, so...

One of these days, I swear to... Jesus H. Chrysler!

One of which belonged to the prime minister of goddamn Italy.

One, or more likely both, of you are lying and that...

One, what the hell is that thing?

Only if blood has been shed

Only if you promise to periodically micromanage it

Only thing for a grass, mum.

Oof. Oh, Mother.

Ooh, G man san

Ooh, or maybe a jazz club. We can smoke reefers with these

Ooh, sorry. Iraq. Wait. No, Iran. No, doesn't matter who.

Ooh... There we go. Okay, Carol!

Or "adequacy" as in "Hey, stupid, you just destroyed $40 million"?!

Or at least I will be, once we start selling some records.

Or because you were low on cupcakes?!

Or Colombian, or whatever, I...

Or face a mandatory sentence of life in federal prison without parole

Or in my crawlspace.

Or patience, so if you could hurry up

Or right after I take this deal to your partner in the cockpit...

Or still haven't, I... MAID: I thought you might need more towels.

Or the ferry. Or in a port a john at the Preakness that time, but not

Or what?

Or whatever and suddenly... Grandpa.

Or whatever their word for that is.

Or whatever, here's your fondue set, and...

Or wherever, but come on, chop chop, I got to go start enjoying my immunity.

Or you could pose him with Woodhouse.

Order room service. ARCHER: Sure, you did.

OTHERS: What did we do? RAY: Besides keeping

Our assets if you'd warned us we were about to be

Our counterattack. They are headed for the palace.

Our lines! They...

Our tax dollars hard at work.

Our terms? CALDERÓN: I... but Cherlene? MALORY: Is exhausted.

Our underwear? KRIEGER: Eh, don't worry

Out of bullets. KENNY LOGGINS: What?

Out of here? KRIEGER: Hm?

Out of the million other things I'm good at, it's infiltrating

Out there, fighting those rebel dogs, far away! PAM: And plus that one right

Out, Ray got shot in the stomach and he's, like, totally fine.

Out... law... coun... try.

Outlaw country! Woooooo!!

Outside of you. CHERLENE: I mean...

Ow, cut it out! Ow! Goddamn it! Ow!

Ow!

Ow!

Ow!

Ow!

Ow! I don't know where Archer is!

Ow! Idiot.

Ow! Ow!

Ow! Ow! Ow!

Ow! Ow! Ow!

Ow! Ow! Ow!

Ow! That's not what I had in mind.

Ow.

Packed the engine compartment full of cocaine.

Paging Dr. Black, Dr. Man In Black!

PAM (chuckling): Yeah, Ricky. (Ricky and Pam grunting)

PAM (laughing): Dude, your balls are made of pussy

PAM (laughing): Holy dickballs! I mean, I mean, I mean, just

PAM (laughs): Yeah. It's not like he's Messina.

PAM (muffled): Aw, come on! I got to load up my body before

Pam screwed the Yakuza out of a million bucks

Pam, are you good? PAM (chuckling): Oh, yeah.

Pam, chop chop, torso! Ugh, this smells like a kennel,

Pam, honey, just calm

Pam, if you want to scuff them that badly, just throw them down the...

Pam, seriously.

PAM: A beej! ARCHER: Pam!

PAM: Aww. CHERLENE: Lame

PAM: Aww. CHERLENE: Lame.

PAM: Cows. Bees

PAM: Dude, they're cocaine. ARCHER: (sighs) Of course

PAM: First see if he wants a beej.

PAM: Goddamn it. (Cherlene growls)

PAM: Housekeeping! ARCHER: (clears throat) What

PAM: I do. LANA: You think it makes a

PAM: I think that's bachelorette parties.

PAM: I'm fine, too, by the way. ARCHER: Oh, great.

PAM: It's actually whipped cocaine, so...

PAM: It's cocaine! LANA: Oh, of course it is.

PAM: Krieger! KRIEGER: Watch it!

PAM: Krieger! LANA: So, I have a question.

PAM: No ice machine. (Cherlene screams) CHERLENE: No towel machine?!

PAM: No, we're not. But if we are, which I don't admit to, which Breakfast

PAM: Not without a bunch of garlic and some wooden stakes. KRIEGER: What...?

PAM: Now, was that so hard... neck nuts?

PAM: Oh, man, I was like, "What?!"

PAM: Oh, my God, please say yes. ARCHER: All right, is

PAM: Okay! (both grunting)

PAM: Okay. ARCHER: Room ser...

PAM: Perfect for what? Come on, it's an album cover,

PAM: Really? ARCHER: I don't know.

PAM: So, can we get out of the crate now? MALORY: No, but as it seems

PAM: Sometimes I worry about her. CYRIL: Eh.

PAM: Sorry! Geez! ARCHER: You should be.

PAM: The butthole, Lana, is what I was...

PAM: This big bastard. LANA: What big...?

PAM: Um... CYRIL: Pfft, you mean a

PAM: Wait! No, no, no, no! ARCHER: What?! I...

PAM: We haven't been paid in forever.

PAM: Well, for starters. But let's not rule anything out.

PAM: Well, why do... ARCHER: Don't worry about it

PAM: What a frickin' clip joint. KRIEGER: No towels.

PAM: Why? KRIEGER: Shh, shh, shh, shh,

PAM: Yay! KENNY LOGGINS: ♪ You'll never

PAM: Yeah, right? CHERLENE: What is this Escape Fro..?

PAM: Yeah, right. LANA: I don't think you are.

PAM: Yes. LANA: Are you...?

PAM: You mean it's all gone? KRIEGER: I... (sniffles)

PAM: You think that's sexy? With the rocket pops...

Pam! Quit eating all the goddamn cocaine!

Pam? Pam?

Pantry

Pay for them in cash. CALDERÓN: Ooh! MALORY: Starting now.

Pee every six minutes. MALORY: Pfft, you think

People are. ARCHER: Uh, I'm Rando I

People hadn't lost 50 million bucks worth of our cocaine, you know way too much.

Perhaps even wildly, to a bunch of white guys

Permission whatsoever, from the United States government.

Personality. What is wrong with you?

Pff, como siempre. Y la tuya?

Pharmacy is going gangbusters, so...

Phone, got into the voice mail settings, called your phone from

Physically unchanged for 100,000,000 years,

Physically, you're an amazing human being. And all the other other stuff

Piece of the puzzle, Lana! They'd already stolen our coke,

Pinche cabrón!

Pinche gringo.

Pipes even as we speak, go out there and kill them!

Placet moveri, iudices.

Plain view would lead a reasonable person to suspect

Playing choo choo spoon with a tranny?

Please, no más. Oh, my God.

Please?

Pleasure, eh?

Plus if you don't, I'll kill you.

Plus the counterfeit million dollars,

Plus, all this cocaine! Do you have any idea how mad

Plus, I bet the vampires got him.

Plus, if you did, I bet they'd smash your teeth down your stupid throat.

Point was, with all this, your great whatever uncle must have

Point? CALDERÓN: The point? What is the point of a beautiful

Pops in your ass! CHERLENE: I'm eating them.

Por lo tanto, buscamos a La Madrina.

Pose him with Gillette whose fault this is! make some

Possible Faustian bargain maker Kenny goddamn Loggins!

Possibly, set up a major drug deal?

Post traumatic stress disorder, from listening to

Pout hole, accept the fact that Lana was so far out of your

Praying your driver doesn't rat you out to the Reds at the last checkpoint.

Preferably in an Apache helicopter.

Pregnant in high school. KRIEGER: Had there been a sequel.

Prehistoric monsters

Prepare to move on the capital. We spoke with President Gustavo

President. Shut it down!

Press one

Presupposes the existence of God, but..

Pretty good. Kudos. They're swollen. But I I don't need a cut man!

Pretty serious about, by the way, but right now I want to talk about this other thing

Price per kilo..

Price to pay for beauty!

Priceless art... Not this one obviously, but... CALDERÓN: Oh, no, this one

Priceless cars is the reason you're fighting off a

Probably a jaguar, excited about

Probably at least through childbirth.

Probably at least through the weekend.

Probably dissolve in the same big drum of acid they dissolved

Probably should have led with that

Probably the rest of our damn lives.

Problem? PAM: Besides my face hurts?

Product for this worthless stack of paper.

Prostitute? KENNY LOGGINS: You think

Protection and spend the rest of our miserable lives on the run,

Publicist. ARCHER: Well, as a lowly room

Pull up out front.

Punishable... Ow!

Quart low you shot him. So I'm thinking you take back

Quick, make the wall spin around again!

Ragtag bunch of Mujahideen heroes in Afghanistan!

Ramón!

Ramón's Latino, so he's comfortable

Randy's awesome! And I'm the best in the world at

Range, so... ARCHER: And who's fault

RAY and CYRIL: No. (others reacting in shock)

Ray is paralyzed, who's gonna fly it?

Ray, don't you eat those keys!

Ray, find Cherlene. No matter what happens, we can't leave without her.

Ray, God damn it, just apologize!

Ray, hug the shadows, get to the Land Cruiser and be ready.

Ray, my feet are already killing me.

Ray, they're not driving anywhere without a

Ray, you remember? You got paralyzed?

RAY: ..

RAY: Archer, I swear to God! I will crash this plane right

RAY: Because that. (sputtering)

RAY: Cantinflas! SLATER: I know what "mononym"

RAY: Damn it. ARCHER: What's up?

RAY: Dump the damn guns! CYRIL: Uh, I am, if you'd

RAY: God damn it.

RAY: I think it's a pretty good plan, y'all.

RAY: Manos...

RAY: Named Randy. ARCHER: Named shut up, it's

RAY: No, dumbass, are you? ARCHER: No.

RAY: No, no, no, no, no! You're screwing the trim all to

RAY: Okay, I can see the airstrip.

RAY: Uh... I guess hang on.

RAY: We're coming in! Brace for landing!

RAY: Wh... Probably you shitheads!

Ray! Do me.

Read them.

Realize the money is counterfeit?

Really quite sore. CALDERÓN: You see?

Really think is going on here? CHERLENE: You're all jealous!

Really wanted to catch some slaves.

Really, so this super judgy feeling I'm feeling is just me

Really.

Rebels because that is what we do!

Redline her record contract.

Reevaluate your face. ARCHER: My... Oh.

Regret, let's... (gunshots)

Related note, Pam, what do you think's gonna happen when they

Related? (chuckles)

Relax. They don't send people that old to prison.

RICKY: Aah! (Pam growling)

Right goddamn now?!

Right into the danger zone... Ooh... ♪

Right, sorry, I Archer.

Right? That's so bad for your ears.

Right? This place is like a Habitrail

Right. So what I think is...

Rocket is not only full of deadly nerve gas, but also aimed

Roger that. What's Operation Dropkick?

Ron, shut up! Okay, Carol, you know the

Ron!

Rotator cuff. Aah!

Router and digital cryptocurrency to sell your

Ruby. ARCHER: No, Pam, it isn't.

Ruined. Completely...

Rum with all this turbulence? ARCHER: Oh, my God! That's my whole point!

Runaway slaves and sell them back to their rightful owners.

Safe. They'd be polishing a spittoon

Said list on. (gasps)

Said Ripley to the android Bishop.

Said the guy in a wheelchair!

Same question. I am asking you the same

San Marcos. (Archer burps)

Save me the trouble of killing you myself.

Saved me. But why?

Savings bond, a puppy, breastfeed you senseless...

Say "pals." Wow, not what you

Say hello to you until you get it on red line overload ♪

Saying random words? CYRIL: Ally Sheedy would've been way more likely to get

Scotch. And also maybe

Scratching shit food, like yams, out of the ground with a, uh,

Screw the building!

Screw you guys! Ya know...

Screw you!

Scrooge McDuck, eh?

Secret agents in the world...

Secret tunnels.

Secrets and Silk grab you?

See, Mr. Archer? ARCHER: You know, so much that... I I'm gonna go write

Seized all the ISIS weapons when they took the building.

Self esteem, buddy. Come on. Now, let's just put the gun down

Self vested in me, I now pronounce us man and wife, and I

Sent us. LANA: You think that's a good idea, flying into a war zone,

Serious just now, when you said you set up

Serious shit, come on.

Seriously, I am not your servant. Ow, quit quit...

Seriously.

Service waiter, I probably won't, but...

Settles that! I mean, it's not like we can

Sexual memories for... uh, 40% to 60% of the people in

Sh shut your h hole, am I d dying?

Sham? KRIEGER: Well, only if by

Shane!

Shane!

Shane?

Shane. So let me bounce this off you

She could be anything, a world traveler,

She doesn't know anyone's watching.

She has to endorse the royalty checks.

She made it weird.

She meant who the hell are these guys, you big dumb idiot asshole!

She used to be married to Calderón's father?

She was with us nearly four years.

She'd be? RAY: Well, the

She'll die if she doesn't quit eating cocaine.

She's all... coke strong.

She's driving the bus. Mother, get on the bus.

She's going and that's final, and...

Shh, and we're breathing...

Shh, hush. Now I know you've had a fun time

Shh, shh, shh. There, there.

Shh! Shut up. I think I heard a troop truck

Shh... Everything's all right. Here.

Shipment. Then we use the profits to buy more weapons, which we sell to

Shiro kabocha, I am very ashamed...

Shit eating "I told you so."

Shit. By the time I'm 60, I bet I'll

Shit. It's not the army.

Shitty. ARCHER: Yeah, Cyril! AIR TRAFFIC CONTROLLER: Tower

Shocked shocked, I tell you if by mornin' this place ain't

Shoot it. Shoot it!

Shoot out my eyes so I don't have to see!

Shooting. I can't wait to meet every cop

Short term, I... Here, hold this.

Short term, somewhere that's not

Should go with them, because my plan may not work.

Should take a trip down old Mexico way, maybe Colombia, or

Shut this damn thing down. We'll go get Archer.

Shut up

Shut up and come on. GILLETTE: No, we have to play

Shut up, and he just married crazy tits, and I need

Shut up, and okay,

Shut up, it's on the tip of my tongue!

Shut up! ARCHER: Wait, wait, wait,

Shut up.

Shut up. And utterly...

Shut up. Does the CIA know Calderón has a nerve gas missile at the palace?

Shut up. I can't look down there because there's, like, a hundred percent

Shut up. Of cocaine that you took to

Shut up. Okay, Carol, I need you to look down there and give me a

Shut your various holes and listen to me very carefully

Sí, claro. And also how you say,

Sí, mi amigo, soy yo!

Signed Pamela Poovey."

Silence, yes, aspire to that while I think of a plan.

Since Cyril's not here, I'm helping Cherlene

Since I just realized we can't land anywhere

Since Ramón gave his word that you people

Since this new thing called always?

Since we're now essentially captives of the Cali cartel,

Since when?

Sit here and wait for those guys to drive up and murder us.

Six minutes! Doing great, buddy.

Skills as a drug kingpin... RAY: You don't have any.

SLATER (laughs): Classic Rando.

Slater sent us. LANA: Wait, wait, wait, wait. RAY: Tower, this is

SLATER: Anybody else in there?

SLATER: Hey, between you and me, I thought Gomez was hinky

SLATER: Rando. ARCHER: Yep.

SLATER: Rando...? ARCHER: Uh, no, that's it

SLATER: Says who? ARCHER (chuckles): "Who

SLATER: So why do you guys have my cocaine?

SLATER: So, obviously you're not gonna be able to pressurize

SLATER: Well, either you guys are the shittiest coke thieves

SLATER: Well, the door was shot off, and we didn't know who

SLATER: You do know where you're going, right?

Slowly dying, for all anyone cares.

Smoothies?

Snacklesnaaamps...! ♪ But why take cocaine

Snacklesnamps is awesome.

Snacklesnap. It's where you take artsy photos

Snappy dialogue with me, underscored by sexual attraction?

Sneeper. I think he has died.

Sniffing a shit ton of glue in my tour bus hot tub

So how would they even use records?!

So I can save you from life in prison!

So I should go there right now and find them. CALDERÓN: No, no, no, no,

So I think we should do something nice for her.

So if I were you, I'd run out that door while I still had a

So if you dicks want to blame somebody

So is that a "no" on the Apache, or...?

So maybe keep that in mind when you're choosing godparents. (Lana laughs)

So nobody noticed that I've been missing for three weeks?

So nobody noticed that I've been missing for three weeks?

So one of... (glass cracks)

So shut up and drive the damn bus!

So we can either walk out, which no,

So we can scrooch down behind it.

So what would cheer Malory up, what does she like?

So what's all this about a solution?

So who's Beard Guy? ARCHER: (scoffs) Are you...?

So why don't you shut up, and then also marry me.

So yes, I am your mother's contact.

So you agree with Borgnar's pathetic little errand boy?

So you take a hundred, go buy a pack of gum, and walk

So you're gonna do that 10,000 times?

So you've only got 24 hours to drive to Texas?

So, am I crazy, or is he super weird?

So, as you can see, we are already down to 125

So, Borgnar? The briefcase? ARCHER: I don't know anyone

So, can I assume you have a plan?

So, couple things.

So, Cyril, lock and load that stick.

So, did you want to just do it right through the

So, funny story.

So, hey.

So, I get that you're

So, I have a question.

So, if you'll hide your vaginas, it's time to gather some intel.

So, just so we're clear, you want us to

So, like a family business.

So, now you're just dicking around?

So, please tell me that's an entire canard à la

So, shall we have sex?

So, she telephone me, ask if I know some maybe people,

So, um, are you hearing your words?

So, unless you want to walk, you can't go home.

So, what, we form a cartel?

So, what's up? What's the plan? ARCHER: (sighs) The plan is

So, what's your deal? What's my deal? Never mind.

So, you think those guys are okay?

So, you've only got 24 hours to drive to Texas?

So. You're saying this gigantic

So... now will you join us... brother?

Some Bee Gees.

Some different liquor.

Some field craft. A, there's no way a superstar

Some ice. KRIEGER: Oh, and if you see a housekeeping cart, can you grab

Some joke about you two having vaginas, come on, let's go.

Some money. Even if we had a buyer for the

Some of it went. CHERLENE: Mmm, and the tingly

Some people... Not with yogurt.

Somebody do something!

Somebody named The Godmother looking like you.

Somebody who works directly for a president, I can tell you that.

Son of a...!

Son of a...! Sterling, you fool,

Song right here!

Song! Recorded by Grammy winner and

Sorry in advance for this.

Sorry, at least with regards to towels. (buttons popping)

Sorry, I don't want to get a dry socket.

Sorry, I genuinely couldn't hear you!

Sorry, I had to sell it. Chop chop! Get the lead out, lickbag!

Sorry, I'm a bit stressed out about Cherlene getting a record deal.

Sorry, I'm sorry, I thought you... MALORY: No! For the... No!

Sorry, it it's not that weird look... Lana!

Sorry, Ramona, I know to you it's just one big sexy briar patch, but...

Sorry, rim job.

Sorry! I'm walking backwards here.

Sorry? I still couldn't hear you.

Sorry.

Sorry. Do me. Please.

Sorry. For a second, I I thought I was just now coming out of a coma from when I drowned, saving

Sorry. You have to shut up.

Sounds good, here we go!

South and that Calderon would pay us.

Soy La Madrina. And I think you have been

Speaking of killing people.

Special quality. LANA: I know what it means,

Spitballin' here I find Holly first, show him the coke, get

Spitballing here would mean you could outsource a good deal of business to a private firm.

Sponsor interstitial animated programming unapologetically targeted at children!

Start in the race to freedom giving that swell guy Archer a

Started thinking about having a baby, but I was single. And all the other stuff aside,

Staying up on the wall, ghosts?! ARCHER: Okay, since I am or

Steal from you; it's just the cost of doing business.

Sterling, are you angry with me?

Sterling, it's a country in Central America.

Sterling, please! This is loco!

Sterling, shut up. Cyril, continue.

Sterling! What are you talking about?

Sterling?

Sterling?! What in the...?!

Sterling... díos mio,

Stevedore who lost his hand in a stevedoring accident

Still control the airport. It's their HQ.

Still talking about this. ARCHER: Oh, right, right,

Stop!

Stop. No, what if there's aren't enough hands and feet?

Storage unit, because I own him. LANA: Archer. (sniffles)

Straight up a cliff, without a goddamn rope?

Strangers showing up in their plane without their coke.

Strip!

Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid plan.

Stupid. And so, wait

Sucks we're gonna go to prison, though.

Sue me

Super 220 wool suit was ruined by Kenny Loggins!

Supposed to sell it? It's not like we can have

Suppressing fire!

Surprise.

Surprise.

Swears wasn't hers... MALORY: Because it most

Sweater.

Sweet Jesus, God, then at least

Sweet wigs and another $300 for Kenny Loggins' room number.

Ta daaaaa! Jesus, it's like trying to

Tadashi, what is wrong

Take me with you!

Take the hit. LANA: Trust me, San Marcos is

Take the money, God knows you've earned it.

Taking a federal agent hostage is a separate charge.

Talking to when he gets like this.

Talking. About something else entirely.

Tapes tomorrow night, but we should leave today. I don't want you

Technically, since your husband divorced you and then was

Teeny bit of residual lead in your body, right?

Tegucigalpa?

Tegucigalpa?

Telephone clanging away, and me trapped.

Tell me that robot's not talking about launching this

Tell that to the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court.

Tell that to your cellmate!

Telling them we're with the CIA? ARCHER: If Slater even was CIA.

Ten million dollars! On... on cowboy music?

Terrible. MALORY: Because you are a

Texas! PAM: Hey!

Than speed. Well, up to a point. Although bulletproof glass

Thank you, dear. For a moment there, I thought

Thank you.

Thanks, Cyril, I think we needed that.

Thanks, Kato!

That because of your fat, blabbering mouth Lana would get caught with it

That coke! 20 years is just gonna be the

That goes for all of you!

That guy you never heard of, Len Trexler?

That happy hour I smell? CALDERÓN: Yes, Mr. Archer. Please join us.

That I did not eat but to which I will give birth.

That is for it? I will place it on the ground,

That is it! You're going to rehab.

That is so true.

That lived through the K T extinction... Uh...

That manufactures oppression.

That place...

That remark, and ask that you definitely do rescue me.

That thing? Why, yes, Archer, yes, I can.

That very minute, Lana!

That was actually a proverb.

That was actually a tiger.

That was Cyril

That was figuratively killing me.

That was?

That was... I mean, if we put our minds to it.

That would be increíble! You and me, together at last...

That you lived there for ten years and never paid a dime in rent?!

That you somehow "sweetened the deal."

That you take that as a compliment. (farts)

That, this is kind of a victimless crime.

That.

That's crazy, we didn't even kiss!

That's just subcutaneous adipose tissue. Albeit a shitload of it.

That's Kenny Loggins! LANA: (gasps)

That's like Airplane Stuff 101. CYRIL: Not when the airplane

That's not a thing, idiot!

That's only because I thought it was gonna be way easier.

That's Sterling Archer!

That's such a mindbender for everybody, but...

That's the cocaine. So this whole thing was just a

That's the honeypot. How could you fall for that?

That's the only one in range, and we've only, barely, got

That's the whole point. And no cocaine donuts for you!

That's weird, I was asking myself the same thing on

That's what he said.

That's what we field agents call... Hmm.

That's why I wanted you to be stick.

The absolute worst idea that I have ever heard in my entire

The airport! Jesus!

The best time to invade is right after brunch, when

The best time to record stuff, so...

The CIA was buying my cocaine. To sell to the American black people, to make the money to buy

The crocodile version of a drive thru

The Dirty Diaper Game? GILLETTE: Oh, my God, it's

The enemy with an assumed identity.

The gold records to pay Archer and Pam's bail.

The gun went off for, like, no reason.

The hat fart was technically a shart?

The high point was getting shot at.

The indigenous people were uncontacted...

The Internet, a tube of Kentucky jelly, self loathing and a sock!

The ivory trade. I don't think my portfolio can

The KGB for, like, 30 years.

The last thing we need is more cocaine.

The last thing you need right now is a big,

The mailbox of...

The minute they're born and send them to an orphanage.

The mirror for? MALORY: So you could watch.

The money, I would get the hell out of this... Hillbilly Hilton.

The most dangerous prison in South America!

The number one country music singer in all of America,

The only limit is your imagination.

The only thing I can think of is all the

The part where I flipped our jeep down a cliff

The penthouse balcony is, without a doubt,

The phone! It was Woodhouse's!

The pills...! He also wants my

The planet except for us, Liberia and Burma.

The puppet masters in Moscow and the capital of China, you

The quite soon to be number one country singer in America?!

The real Krieger could be down there!

The rebels, then come back here and crush Cyril's stupid army.

The right buyer would probably pay about 15 cents on the dollar

The rocket, uh... I'm not really comfortable with the

The same thing I told your father! I will never give you a divorce!

The sinister gay cabal. CYRIL: Okay, you know... RAY: I don't know why we

The sooner we'll all be set for life.

The storm ninjas!

The time for talk is kaput, Klon Bruder.

The U.S. government stole your livelihood, forced you to become

The various possible complications of pregnancy?

The way up to Lenox Hill Hospital.

The weapons to give me to fight the comunistas. MALORY: Exactly.

The whatever we are, Gang Who Couldn't Sell Coke Straight,

The word ironic with "you are an idiot".

The Yakuza?

Then blow me

Then find him, you bearded buffoon!

Then he can give us a refund.

Then he taps the phone line into the intercom,

Then how did she get it?

Then it's not a spa day, it's just a bath!

Then maybe being a c Not a,

Then singlehandedly bankrupting your drug cartel!

Then tell him to go piss off he can't come inside

Then that one.

Then that's where you say...

Then we just slap some panties and rouge on him,

Then what's his problem?

There are secret passages everywhere.

There was no shortage of dead bodies around ISIS.

There was, like, a third..

There, was that so hard? Okay.

There. COMANDANTE: Señor Presidente! The rebels have broken through

There. Happy? MALORY: No!

There's a Mr. Holly here. Sorry, an Agent Holly.

There's no other way out of here besides the front door?

Thermometers?

These buyers of yours, Ramón. Who are they?

These dickheads aren't FBI, Lana, they're CIA!

These goons? ARCHER: They were... They

These taste like calluses. PAM: Ew.

They absolutely have ears, shithead.

They are now within mortar range! (screaming)

They are. PAM: (laughs) Right?

They can also enter a private residence under any number of

They don't even dry them off!

They don't make babies grow up in prison, Lana

They just kneel you down by a ditch and put a bullet in your...

They kidnapped Cherlene!

They should've sent a poet.

They were very clear, no guns.

They will kill...

They're all logy. LANA: Archer?

They're both low voltage, no big deal,

They're clones, not vampires! PAM: It doesn't matter to the stake!

They're in there right now, saying he's the brains behind ISIS.

They're Japanese, you idiot!

They're narcos, dummy!

They're not vampires, they're my clones.

They're prison gangs, not frats.

Thing is kinda your fault, so you're taking us to

Thing? KENNY LOGGINS: Don't worry

Things on film! It cannot possibly have any

Think it is, you are totally gonna need rescuing.

Think we covered that fairly well and these are the, uh,

This airstrip? RAY: Yes!

This baby, so, uh... RAY: I'll keep it under

This entire cocaine debacle from the get go.

This for a fact her debut album has now officially sold one million copies!

This is about conducting espionage operations, for years, with no authority or

This is exactly how I pictured their house.

This is it, rebel headquarters.

This is only somewhat like that old Gypsy

This is Pam we're talking about, the poster child for addictive

This is the best kitchen ever!

This is the FBI!

This is why I disapprove. Juliana sometimes goes among the servants, pretending to be a

This time... ♪ Aw...

This was the best house to be a kid in.

This whole Queen Kong vibe.

This, so shut up and follow my lead.

Thorough vetting process for... that... you know... LANA: You done?

Those bosoms of yours a favor, and get a wet nurse.

Those guys, Pam, those exact same guys you just described.

Those skills from espionage to criminal activity,

Those snake eyes are watching

Those vending machines that sell used schoolgirl panties.

Thought it would be.

Thought you meant my genitals. But, look, I know you're jealous I had sex with Juliana, almost

Thought you were gonna hit me with it.

Thought you were gonna shoot me.

Thought, mum. MALORY: Now, then

Thoughts? CYRIL: I just really wish I hadn't come on this stupid trip.

Thoughts? LANA: How you gonna get it

Threat; how would I know what's in...?

Three hours ago. And back then, I could still

Throat slashed and my tongue yanked out through the gaping hole.

Through the countryside like... like...

Tiger," we will beat you to death with your own shoes.

Tightly by my childhood's throat.

Time there's a few things we'd change...

Time's a bit of a factor here! ARCHER: Cyril, for the love

Timid man, Cyril. CYRIL: What? No, I'm not.

To address that, which we did and now we're here and...

To admit you dick around every time we're in danger

To an occupant, say, if they heard someone screaming...

To be a country singer so badly? Besides being clinically insane.

To be a preacher, you want to back me up here?

To be recording that? CHERLENE: Krieger!

To decide if we want regular lame Cheryl and a Pam who's not

To freeze a bunch of your sperm at Dr. Feldman's office. And I was like, "Huh, weird."

To lock up 2,000 pounds of cocaine?

To nineteen kilos even, so I'll just take back

To produce some sort of... eagle eyed superhawk... with a

To reboot the CPU in Ray's spine so he can walk again.

To reevaluate this whole K Log thing.

To share a room? RAY: The sinister gay cabal, Cyril, you have fallen victim to

To show some cartel boss that our product is high quality and

To talk about getting "phrasing" back in the rotation.

To teach me how to fly a plane?

To the danger zone KENNY LOGGINS: ♪ I'll take

To the perfect..

To this dinner? (retches) Or did you already eat...

To throw in another... five dollars?

To throw them away? MALORY: None.

To unidentified aircraft, you are now entering restricted San Marcos airspace.

To visit the fleshpots of the world.

To zero that still won't happen.

Too much. But you have aroused my

Took her mind off Archer being missing,

Torturing a woman? Hang on, ma'am!

Totally different scenario.

Totally honest, I maybe might have a problem with.

Touch! RICKY: Hands off Mr. Loggins!

Tractor beam, releasing the **** from captivity.

Trains, and then it was a sort of very long, sad slide into

Tranquilo, tranquilo! It's okay!

Transport cost. But those three waltzing around

Trash can. The only dangerous part is the nerve gas.

Treason?

Tribe of indigenous peoples might react unpredictably,

TROOPS: Cherlene! Cherlene!

Truck stops... are crazy awesome! This is Snowball, good buddy.

Trucked off to La Culebra, the most notorious prison in South

Trust me, if you had it you'd know.

Tunnels, you lead the group. Cyril and Pam, you carry Ron.

Turn out better than you.

Turns out it's actually not the best.

Twice, but don't slash the painting. It's...

Two days into this whole drug cartel thing,

Two of them have been to my apartment.

Typical.

U.S. dollars whenever we want. I call 'em Kriegerrands.

Ugh, Charles and Rudi, those dicks.

Ugh, no, I'm just working here,

Ugh, why do you even bother?

Ugh, yes, the mind can, in fact, vomit.

Ugh! Fine, $2 million. Okay, $5 million.

Ugh! It smells like a skunk ape!

Ugh! Or I get arrested and give birth

Ugh! Then fast forward to him

Ugh.

Uh huh, but seriously, though, if it comes

Uh huh, uh huh. ARCHER: What the shit,

Uh uh uh. I got it.

Uh, breaker breaker, you got your

Uh, duh! You need investors?!

Uh, how about an old timey gymnasium full of

Uh, in addition to the attempted murder of a federal agent?

Uh, in your masturbators, you idiot.

Uh, it's actually Señor Presidente, but...

Uh, just this, releasing the bureau from any

Uh, kind of just like... on it. Oh, do you mean where are we in

Uh, let me guess, with some n****es?

Uh, never mind. And, Woodhouse,

Uh, no, not a huge Steve McQueen fan.

Uh, okay, technically, but then we stole a plane loaded with,

Uh, overdosed on liquid snake?

Uh, Ron, next time, get shot in the head.

Uh, sir?

Uh, skip ahead to the part where I'm out 50 Caddies with your

Uh, uh... Oh, Clyde?

Uh, uh... Oh.

Uh, uh... Pam?

Uh, well enough to know you're down here wondering

Uh, what happened with since when the hell

Uh, which I want you to have for the baby

Uh,no?

Uh...

Uh... ARCHER: Uh, Rand... o.

Uh... Cheryl?

Uh... I don't know that much about leopards.

Uh... I guess a leopard can't change his spots.

Uh... Konnichiwa?

Um, "Danger Zone"?

Um, okay, if Archer calls, I'll...

Um, open a dealership?

Um, this is a car seat. GILLETTE: Wha...

Um... it's open

Understand his idiotic fascination with all this Burt Reynolds

Unhappy. WOODHOUSE: Perish the

Unless you got maybe, $100,000 U.S. on you?

Unless... No.

Unless... well, I suppose that all depends

Unloading the one million record albums you bought from this gringa.

Until I built a sexier one out of illegal Soviet parts.

Until then, just keep drinking your guaro, huh?

Until then, zip it! LANA: Wha...? What did I do?

Untraceable digital currency that we can exchange for real

Up around here and get a cab. That'll be way quicker.

Up as high as you can ♪ CHERLENE/LOGGINS: ♪ Go...

Up sexy. KRIEGER: Um...

Up this delightful ménage, but Presidente Cyril wants her back

Up to you. Don't cock it up like you did

Up, the other of whom's hand we gruesomely ripped off.

Up! Up! Hands off the goods, mister!

Up. MALORY: I beg your pardon? CALDERÓN: Get up.

Urn...

Urn...

Use the... the surveillance satellite.

Vampire! I say we tie him up and let the

Very bold colors here, and then the thick black lines are coming here, always drawing the eye to

Very well.

Very well.

Visual aids... you will see that from our

Votes we cut our losses and go home.

W Well? Don't just stand there, you cowards! Do something!

W... we should've?

Wait didn't you shoot that guy?

Wait he's still gonna kill you?

Wait since breakfast?!

Wait a minute, we're in Travis county. Why does their car

Wait a minute! Did you tell anybody

Wait, are we still in New York, or...? CYRIL: What?

Wait, are you drunk? ARCHER (scoffs): Please. Off 12 drinks?

Wait, Cyril! CYRIL: What? Archer!

Wait, hang on. Um... Goddamn it!

Wait, he's a dwarf now?

Wait, how does being in jail...?

Wait, no, that's grams, so...

Wait, no, why, what's in

Wait, no!

Wait, they got weed

Wait, what was it?

Wait, what?

Wait, what? Hey, guys. Um...

Wait, yes, now that sounds familiar.

Wait, you don't think this is my fault?!

Wait! ARCHER: What, Pam?!

Wait. If you were going to invade San Marcos, then why have you been selling weapons to

Wait. Is this an extremely ill phrased analogy about my penis?

Waiting thousands of years for us to arrive.

Walk, and now I can't, and ain't nobody loves ol' Ray no more.

Waltzing into Colombia with 100 pounds of cocaine.

Want. LANA: I do not want, Krieger,

War zone, so it needs to be fast, although I guess reliability is more important

Was a world class secret agent, when we get up to his room, do

Was my idea! (sobbing) CHERLENE/LOGGINS: ♪ Highway

Was that a flashbang?

Was this all a scam, or No, I swear,

Was this was all just a huge set up!

Wasn't...

Watching you... like a hawk that's been bred with an eagle

Way to go, Ray. Now he's got a taste for...

We are dead, so he will never think to come looking for us again!

We are not leaving Ray.

We blew up an oil pipeline.

We can ask the judge...

We can do anything, as long as you're willing to pay. CALDERÓN: Me... me pay?

We did it! We're free! PAM: Do...?

We did, we really did.

We don't really have weapons or ammo.

We figured the vampires ate you.

We had a Dominican, just lovely, bosoms like... well, like yours,

We have decided to give it another chance, and so we will

We have enough weapons to invade Quebec

We have to get him to a hospital, so are you sure

We have to get out of the country!

We have to! Ray, I'm sorry. No, you're not!

We haven't been paid in months, Malory; I'm pretty much broke.

We haven't done that yet? I said move, people!

We just started a frickin' coup!

We made a body cast out of the coke

We might as well slather ourselves

We must counterattack.

We sell this and we're out.

We should get to the shelter soon.

We tested ten of the bricks. Looks like it's all here.

We wait till morning and then murder them in their coffins. Cyril?

We'll be a family.

We'll be hearing from Agent Holly in the future.

We'll call it one million and eighty dollars!

We'll worry about that when we have to!

We're

We're getting Cherlene a record deal.

We're gonna go ahead and take the cocaine and the money.

We're gonna go ahead and take the cocaine and the money.

We're losing him.

We're not "ruined," Camille

We're not giving her cocaine.

We're not that lucky. They're paramilitarios.

We're pretty happy. Even though it's gonna be a

We're running out of cocaine, and on top of all that, my son is missing!

We're sneaking in under the radar.

We're talking about Texas. Somebody, somewhere, wants enough

We've arrived at a pause in the idiocy, let's recap the plan for when we land in San Marcos.

We've been trying to monetize cocaine for, like... I mean, you even came to the

We've decided to have an open marriage.

We've got 2,000 pounds of cocaine.

We've got a shitload of film. KRIEGER: I'm supposed to have

We've got the whole Breakfast Club in here. I'm Emilio Estevez.

Weird cornbread, 'cause you might be down here a...

Welcome to San Marcos.

Well A, they're the government,

Well I'm not the one who sold twenty kilos of coke

Well thanks for telling the truth, Mother sure that was hard for you.

Well that's just terrific.

Well then I apologize, and I'll be happy

Well, after this you'll be so relaxed...

Well, and cocaine. In fact...

Well, as for me, I think I'll start shopping my memoirs.

Well, at this point, the reds are wearing off

Well, but see if there is one, just

Well, can't unhear that.

Well, Cyril, when we get there, and I join the toughest gang,

Well, don't come crying to me when that fatherless kid of

Well, except for those three.

Well, fairly. But I I mean, I found a paper bag in there, and I did some deep, uh...

Well, have you tried calling him?

Well, he died doing what he loved.

Well, he's got it, and we can't override the launch

Well, he's not happy, obviously, and he wants his

Well, how hard could

Well, I can assure you...

Well, I certainly didn't.

Well, I certainly didn't.

Well, I certainly..

Well, I guess it would be, if A: I weren't the world's greatest spy.

Well, I guess that

Well, I have to admit, Mr. Archer, your proposal

Well, I just assume it was about that ad with the suitcase and the gorilla.

Well, I think any time a spouse makes a major purchase without discussing it

Well, I think we'd remember that.

Well, I would like to revisit this whole

Well, I'm sorry, Lana, I didn't go to rabbinical

Well, if I want Hitler's DNA spliced into him, I'll give you a call.

Well, if she won't go to rehab and you won't let her

Well, if we're gonna go back to the beginning of time,

Well, in case you'd forgotten, I have an unborn

Well, is that the army?

Well, it's a good damn thing I ain't paying you to think!

Well, it's Cyril.

Well, it's just a matter of time before it does, with those idiots working on it!

Well, it's your own

Well, it's your own

Well, keep looking

Well, Krieger said he needed Ray's help on some sort of project.

Well, long term I was thinking home,

Well, my stepfa..

Well, no, but... a student of life.

Well, not me personally.

Well, not mine,

Well, not on me, on me, but...

Well, now I'm almost afraid to say...

Well, now it's your turn to be humiliated, Gustavo. Because for your information,

Well, now you're describing not meat.

Well, now, I actually have some thoughts on that.

Well, one thing's for sure. If I had it to do over, I'd be a dictator.

Well, or at least could've.

Well, Pam screwed the Yakuza out of a million

Well, she couldn't have it in the house. Long story.

Well, so do I, and you just talked yourself out of a hat.

Well, speaking for the tiny, delicate life blossoming inside me, nowhere in

Well, sure, now. Wait until you're waist deep in

Well, technically, I am, but...

Well, thank God, the...

Well, that doesn't sound too bad.

Well, that's good. ls that good?

Well, the endgame has always been for us to invade San Marcos, so...

Well, the gas oughta kill that.

Well, the important thing is that you're with us now.

Well, then problem solved.

Well, then who the hell is it?

Well, then you'll have to throw it from Miami.

Well, there is a small problem there.

Well, there's gonna be just a whole bunch of charges,

Well, there's this we...

Well, they know I work at ISIS, but that won't do them any good

Well, unless you invite him in.

Well, we all thought you were gonna die. And one night you got really

Well, we definitely can't leave Ray!

Well, we should've guessed that was gonna happen.

Well, were you sent there by an undercover cop who

Well, what do you think is gonna happen when three gringos waltz in

Well, yeah,

Well, you did set the raft on fire.

Well, you know,

Well? How hard is it to sell 2,000

Well? They're gonna look even worse when they're jaguar poop!

Well? Well, you could've done this weeks ago!

Well?! This isn't good practice.

Well... Edmund Burke, but... Doesn't matter who.

Welp, hope I'm not too old to get back into underground fighting.

Were you gonna say "a taste for human flesh"?

Were you planning to do with 50 Cadillacs?

Wh ? Dammitrieger, you ow!

Wh ? God! Dammit! Sometimes it's hard

Wh ? Money laundering, you ass!

Wh ? You two know each other?!

Wha... I...

Wha... Ron?!

Wha...? Give me that.

Wha...? Oh, all right.

What a rush! ARCHER: Yeah, I miss it, but

What about a dwarf?

What about our jobs?

What about Sterling?

What are you doing? Come on. Tighter.

What are you doing? Here.

What are you doing?! CYRIL: Throwing out the guns!

What are you gonna do, taser...

What are you talking about?

What are you, nuts?

What could possibly be funny?

What do crocodiles eat?

What do you care? You're never gonna see him

What do you even call that? Food porn?

What do you even think you're doing?

What do you mean counterfeit?

What do you resent, Ray,

What do you think I'm doing?

What does the note say?

What I was gonna say was... maybe don't throw out all the

What if I need a gun?

What if maybe that goal's not realistic?

What if, um... CYRIL: Archer!

What is happening!

What is in your mouth?

What is it with you people making tit bondage

What is wrong with you?

What it is you think I'm talking about.

What kind of "history" you two have together, but

What the hell are you idiots...

What the hell are you...

What the..

What the...?

What the...?

What the...?!

What those tuberculars in coach are... Excuse me?!

What was that?

What was that? ARCHER: It is kind of like a school bus.

What we need is a big ticket item

What you think you heard about witness protection, but...

What, for getting us all arrested

What, how to get AIDS? MALORY (sighs): So who were

What, in the name of all that is stupid, do you think you're doing?

What, just because you have no taste.

What, like hearted? Ramón, what the hell,

What, we agreed on fifty grand a kilo!

What, were you not gonna say stairs?

What, you're just not gonna answer?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What? A reboot that's all it takes?!

What? Archer, what'd you do?

What? Archer!

What? Are you crazy?

What? Did y'all think I was dead?

What? I brought roses.

What? I don't think it's racist to assume that a previously uncontacted

What? Jesus! What is your problem!

What? We can't just leave them here.

What? We gotta swim for it!

What? What, what? You didn't think that was something I'd

What? What?

What? What's the range on this thing?

What?!

What?!

What?!

What?!

What?!

What?! Come on, that's...

What?! God shit damn it, Archer, what?!

What?! Holy shit, do you have anemia?

What?! I mean, that's just absolutely crazy. We have nothing.

What?! My God, come on. How can you even say that?

What?! No, I can't! And you can't make me!

What?! Oh.

What're you doing down there?

What's ironic is that every other store

What's it look like I'm doing?! B But before you answer, please

What's that, Beaker?

What's that?

What's that?

What's that? I can't hear you over the sound

What's the FBI doing in San Marcos?

What's up, pendejos?

Whatever happened to Team Archer?

Whatever, but we've been up against terrorists,

Whatever, Cyril.

When have I ever been honest with Sterling? Huh.

When she dropped off the key.

When the Feds took ISIS, and Ron took what little I had left, so now I need to

When they get here, we can show them the drugs we bought

When was that supposed to happen? After a lovely dinner with him

When was that?

When were you ever a lawyer?

When y'all are ready to make some gold records. Yee haw!

When you are addressing the First Lady of the

When you think you're alone. Cyril.

Where are we on the missile?!

Where are you getting all this money?

Where did we land on that blow job?

Where did you get them?

Where did you say you were launching it?

Where do you think you're going?

Where I just banged Calderón's wife. Lana?

Where the...

Where they were? I thought you couldn't

Where was I? Oh, yeah, we'll probably need to

Where would I get 2,000 pounds of cocaine?

Where you make it look like a murder suicide, but...

Where you tell me to look under my seat?

Where, exactly? crib!

Where's my gun, Pam?! What, did you spit it in some trucker's mouth, too?!

Wherever Charles and Rudi are having a money fight

Whew, man, Cyril, you had me worried.

Whew! Okay, that's got it.

Which he totally does.

Which I think may have just happened to said agent's ow!

Which I'll be happy to come down there and shove up his ass.

Which I'm pretty sure I'm gonna need.

Which is right where I wanted them, so I could go old school Bandit.

Which is, like, so un Chinesey, he doesn't even care

Which means he must've wired a transformer in the circuit somewhere,

Which means you're no prostitute.

Which part, Ray?

Which shouldn't be very long, since we're headed to La Culebra,

Which time?

Which was actually my fault.

Which we had already stolen, so we still would've had it!

Which, guys, can we talk about this?

Which, I guess, so am I,

While reminding you, seemingly unnecessarily,

White and... okay... PAM: Yeah, not talking about

Who are these paramilitarios?

Who are you, Colonel Mom Parker?

Who are you, Thomas Corwin Mendenhall?

Who can forget? It's baby this, baby that.

Who could forget?

Who is in charge here? ARCHER: That would be... CALDERÓN: Because they are to

Who knows with him?

Who the hell is Len Trexler?

Who walk up and hand 'em a goddamn M 16!

Who, unbelievably, is even worse at this than at spying.

Who, your trucker buddies?! They only like you because

Who?

Who'd like to go first? (Cyril coughs)

Who's Beaker's boss?

Who's da widdle baby? Who's da widdle baby?

Who's gonna fly the damn plane?

Who's next?

Whoa, back up. What is your definition of anonymous sex?

Whoa, I stand extremely corrected.

Whoa!

Whoa! Hey!

Whoa. RICKY: Uh, hi.

Whoa. So my whole life, all I ever had to do was believe in myself?

Whole point. (retching) CYRIL: Oh, how can you drink

Whole side of the organization to you?

Wholesale.

Whoo!

Whoo!

Whoo!

Whooooo! Domo arigato, fellas

Why are they dressed like that?

Why are we not still doing "phrasing"?

Why are we still not worrying about

Why are you so scared of crocodiles?

Why bother going back?

Why clog your brain with a bunch of hypothetical maybe what if bullshit?

Why did you insult him?

Why do you think it's marked on the chart, you idiot?

Why does she care? Most singers would kill to have a record go platinum.

Why does that sound really, really, really bad?

Why would anyone want a picture of someone else's

Why would he call you? (phone ringing)

Why would they shoot your... Cow!

Why would you do that?! ARCHER: I... I'm sorry, do you mean where?

Why would you throw away a perfectly good gun?

Why, because you're Dying, right, sorry.

Why, you gonna walk me through your organic method

Why? Crocodiles don't have ears.

Why? Cyril, they can't chomp through fire.

Wife to testify against each other!

Will you idiots get out?! I'm trying to talk to the first

Will you please cover yourself?! CHERLENE: With what?

Will you shut up?

Will you shut up? I know what I'm doing, Cyril

Will you shut up?! I know what I'm doing!

Win! But somebody wouldn't let us win!

With a big rebel flag on it, flinging empty longnecks at people.

With a bite force of 20,000 Newtons

With a cocaine smuggler?

With a dirty car?!

With actual women, Cyril! My girlfriend's not equal parts

With all this cocaine on board.

With Gomez..

With me?

With phrasing, right? That's not a thing anymore? (gasps)

With the bastard spawn of a total stranger.

With the counterfeit money we got from selling cocaine.

With the ocean! The ocean isn't full of

With the same person as you two.

With whatever it is crocodiles eat,

With you people screaming about a horde of Chinese

With you?! You shoot like an old

With, like, boats.

Without a warrant. Once inside, under the doctrine

Woman, I am not getting in a shootout with the

WOMAN: (SINGING) Now I'm coming

Woman? And speaking of! JULIANA (chuckles): Hello, darling.

Wonder if it's too late to get Messina.

Wonder if there's a statewide database of towns with sucky high school

Woo hooo! Thank you!

Woodhouse until you people start bringing in some money!

Woodhouse, get away from the door!

Woodhouse, I swear to God, if you tell me lunch is four

WOODHOUSE: Pardon me, mum. This was delivered for

WOODHOUSE: Sir? ARCHER: Here, here's...

WOODHOUSE: Straightaway, mum. MALORY: Oh, and a small bowl,

WOODHOUSE: Yes, mum. (all groaning)

Wooohooohooohoooo!!

Wooohooohooohoooo!!

Woooo! Outlaw country! Outlaw co...

Woooohoohoohoooo!!

Woooohoohoohoooo!!

Woooooo!

Woooooo! (music playing)

Woooooo!!

Woooooo!!

Woooooo!!

World's biggest dickhead, and inside your head there's a

Worried I would die without knowing how it felt to get my

Worried, why don't you go down there and rescue him?

Worse these are actually really good fakes

Worth of cocaine into one million dollars' worth of weapons.

Would be

Would build a pool like that? CHERLENE: I just want to go

Would you just come on?

Would you, my little country songbird, like to be on Travis County Limits?

Wouldn't be bad. I... Damn it, Figgis! You're overthinking this!

Wouldn't you like to know?

Wounded. CALDERON: Oh, hello, I did

Wow, almost 800 grand worth. MALORY: Really?

Wow, I think she seriously might be,

Wow! I didn't think it was possible, but I somehow just got even angrier!

Wow. Okay, uh... KENNY LOGGINS: K Log didn't

Wow. We get home, first thing, we are binge watching Schoolhouse Rock.

Wrong, Pam. Although I bet I'm not as mad as Mother's gonna be

Yam scratcher. Okay, A start

Yay!

Yay!

Yay! Yay!

Yeah, and then drag him out of the car and kneel him down and shoot him in the back

Yeah, and they're all loaded.

Yeah, and would now be a good time to talk about Pam's

Yeah, bitch, that's how I roll!

Yeah, come on, it's been a long day.

Yeah, Cyril, you are sorry because you still look

Yeah, duh. I already berated you.

Yeah, good, you guys get out of here;

Yeah, great, start

Yeah, I couldn't hear you over the sound of this gigantic friggin' tank.

Yeah, I totally did. Well, I just assumed...

Yeah, I'm around.

Yeah, I'm hoping the mattresses

Yeah, I'm staying. Because if your plan is what I

Yeah, if a big bull croc slithers up on the raft,

Yeah, is that even necessary?

Yeah, jealous of my fallback career.

Yeah, just think cool thoughts. Like eating mint

Yeah, no shit. I keep waiting for her to have a heart attack, but...

Yeah, no, everything is, uh, totally fine now,

Yeah, no, that is, um... news, uh...

Yeah, plus skeletons?

Yeah, save some for us, bitches!

Yeah, showing mommy who's a big boy.

Yeah, so how long do do you think we're gonna last

Yeah, so I recorded that, added some sound effects,

Yeah, so you don't wind up giving blow jobs in a

Yeah, so, here's the thing...

Yeah, speaking of... These guys don't look too good.

Yeah, stupid.

Yeah, tell them why that is, Pam!

Yeah, that's some messed up shit.

Yeah, they're shooting at you!

Yeah, this is a Long Island.

Yeah, this is actually a little harder than I thought.

Yeah, this. All of it, everything.

Yeah, until he got blown up.

Yeah, we're like BFF's now

Yeah, whatcha waiting for, lickbag?

Yeah, when was that? Seriously, was...

Yeah, you don't want to walk that, so I'd come

Yeah, you guys chill on the bus.

Yeah, you said immunity. I didn't.

Yeah, you're not actually pay... Ow!

Yeah! Check it out, lickbag!

Yeah! Holy coke snacks.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Yeah. And dressed up like a

Yeah. Everybody.

Yeah. Here's to the crazy ones.

Yeah... Ow!

Yes, always. God, you're... What happened to no more

Yes, and that somebody is a U.S. Navy carrier group, so let's go already!

Yes, Archer, it is, because everything, everywhere, every when, is about the paragon

Yes, but don't do what you are doing!

Yes, but how? The police were right behind you.

Yes, Cyril, I do. I bet those assault rifles shoot polio vaccine.

Yes, duh. Look, how hot am I now? Let me answer that for you.

Yes, for a very lucrative business proposition.

Yes, please. CALDERÓN: But soon I think more, no?

Yes, yes, come, come, come, come, come, come, because I am pulling out!

Yes!

Yes! For the jillionth time, I want this baby, so...

Yes! Great idea, yes, Cyril,

Yes! What?!

Yes? ARCHER: Well...

Yes.

Yes. And I don't have time for this,

Yes. But let me say this, to the

Yes. I mean, I don't, but you can

Yes. So I guess we should talk about the elephant

Yes...

Yesterday. CALDERÓN: And now it is platinum.

Yoshi!

You all dressed up? MALORY: Well, not that it's

You and I sling them over our shoulders and climb 200 feet

You asked me. I didn't ask you! And I did what I had to do to

You asshole, you could've killed us.

You bastard!

You can binge watch it in hell!

You can't buy only one blue fork,

You can't even let me pretend to be magnanimous while inwardly

You done?

You finish that sentence, I'm going to rub cocaine in your

You get drunk with at Myrtle Beach and cruise the strip in the bed of their monster truck

You got to be kidding me.

You had sex with me!

You heard me, J. Edna.

You idiot, that's the vehicle you found? I meant a limousine or...

You idiot!

You in the chest! Oh, makes me so mad!

You in the future, once medical science had

You keep it up, mister, and I'll walk right back in there and tell her the whole

You know how strong she is. Might as well be green and

You know I love you so Baby, please don't go ♪

You know I love you so Baby, please don't go ♪

You know prisons

You know they're not reusable, right?

You know what always cheers me up...

You know what's a bad idea? Prison.

You know who has it Wh ?! Ramón?!

You know, as in inches? Jesus, .3048 meters.

You know, bricks of cocaine? MALORY: Krieger...

You know, relatively. When compared to the deadly and

You know, we are in. Not unlike vampires.

You know? Let's kind of see where that leads.

You know... ARCHER: Sorry?

You look for the Godmother?

You lying son of a bitch!

You make it sound so easy.

You may want to work on that, since you'll be a mother soon.

You must know that even if you kill me, the Yakuza will

You nerf nuts think I was talking about getting drunk?

You never give him enough credit

You nut. (CHUCKLES)

You read it! Goddammit.

You right into the danger zone... ♪

You said you weren't a dictator!

You said you'd let me do the...

You see that airstrip? The one that's circled?

You shut up! And Krieger?

You shut up. Let her talk.

You still get your cut, 'cuz you know who says good

You take the fondue set Can I finish?!

You talk almost

You tell me, crazy pregnant hormone lady.

You think everything's gonna be easy.

You think meat comes from the supermercado, all wrapped in a

You think, if I had 100 pounds of coke, I'd be sitting here

You wanna... Oh, right.

You want cocaine?

You want me to blow the whole army?

You were. Still don't, I guess, formally,

You won't be gallivanting around under the pretense of work just

You wouldn't know the truth if it bit you on the ass

You you got to make him let me go!

You, me, the baby and your not that weird looking vagina.

You, on the other hand... lead away.

You, sir. ARCHER: No, no, you didn't, aren't, or rather you couldn't,

You, too, Miss Kane.

You, too, Ojiisan. Or three, or whatever.

You! I blame you! Archer! I blame you!

You? ARCHER: Your present, Lana,

You. Blow me!

You... ARCHER: We're throwing Lana

You... would be wonderful, and it would be wonderful publicity, and...

You... You want me to put a rocket pop in my vagina?!

You'd be amazed what you people do

You'll be in charge of laundering.

You'll never take me alive!

You're a bigger pussy than Shane!

You're alive?

You're disgusting. But, you, I am totally digging

You're doing the exact thing you promised me you wouldn't!

You're getting out of this maybe what?

You're gonna be a great mother.

You're gonna execute Archer to now you guys are, like,

You're not sleeping now? Wait till that thing's born.

You're not the boss of me!

You're outta your mind!

You're probably gonna wanna try to minimize the sweating.

You're probably gonna want to try to minimize the sweating.

You're running out of options, Archer.

You're shitting me.

You're supposed to yell "FBI" at the beginning.

Young man here, the fruit of San Marcos, wounded by a Communist

Your asses off. Good thing you're flying south,

Your clone nonsense, it's all a bunch of...

Your collarbones, and then pull them out of your body,

Your dog get you way down here

Your handle is Snowball?! Like Jerry Reed's character in the Smokey verse?!

Your life eight months ago. Lana, am I just now coming out

Your mother and I are drinking wine that belonged to Benjamin Franklin.

Your mother's got the time in here, the place,

Your new home is so beautiful, but I did not bring

Your phone back. Which I think is why it sounds

Your plan is to just ask around for...?

Your vast experience as a mother and...

Your words.

Your words.

Yours buys a gun and steals a car, and he tries to run but he don't get far!

Yourself! (muttering) PAM: Shh! Will you shut up?

Yum yum yum! Yum yum yum! Gimme! Gimme!

Yum yum! Gimme! Goddamn it, will you

Yup, yup, yup.

Zion, yes, there, I said it.

1,900 and... What?! Pam! You damn coke fiend!

1,980 something miles?

5x05 Archer Vice: Southbound and Down

8,000. SLATER: Still gonna freeze

40 miles of mountain road...

400 bucks; go get all the stuff for a baby shower: cake,

and since the government has unjustly accused us

¡No dispare! What in the...

¡Vámonos! And you, guapo,

¿Qué miras?! ¡Vámonos!

¿Qué? Archer!

"accelerator." It's floored, and it's

♪ It's them broken hearts... ♪ Oh, come on, we

$1 million! Well, was.

$50. Still, though.

a car with T tops and a four barrel. Wha... Who's gonna do

a chain gang knocking on your back door. Bikers?

a dance partner. Wh..

a drug deal. How else are we

A floor model. Oh, for...

A frog! Frog child!

a housewarming gift. Hey, you know what?

A long, racist story. I had black guy

a Phi Mu Fun Run. We called them Phi Moo

a show in two hours and we've still got... I think about a hundred miles.

A toast, then, to new friends. Just friends?

A toast. It is even less the time for that.

A what? A charivari.

a yard sale. Yeah, Lana.

A, the coke is gone... What?!

about this deal... Hang on.

actual mom and dad? And was I ever there? No.

actually a man in a gorilla costume. Making the comparison even more accurate.

actually worried. Well, if you're so

addicted to cocaine. Your words.

admits he was wrong. Yeah, 'cause that makes it all better.

Affirmatory, good buddy! Holy dickburn! So you got a buyer lined up

again, so... Who's da widdle baby?

again. I can't.

Agent Holly. Good, because I'll be

aggressive at first, but... They wouldn't if we

Agh. Yeah, so does Kevlar.

All right, now, Pam, I want you to... You know how many times

all the blood. Blood packs and blanks.

all these? They're all aimed

All's well that ends well? Oh, right.

Almost always. I really like me. Baffling.

alone. And besides, what

already in the States? Saving them the

Also, speaking of... Ugh, here it comes.

Although I am. So go ahead, Lana,

Although... Hmm?

America. Pff, notorious.

Amphetamines?! Right?

an art collector... A transatlantic

An original Ivan Blitko we stole from Calderón. What am I su

and a blocker car it'll be 24, right? What?

And a pony! You heard her, Cyril that is legally binding.

And also kind of mauve. Okay.

And also probably 'cause of this. Is that Cyril's?

And B: Seriously, buddy, let's try and work on that breathing. What's wrong with

And B...

and Conway Stern. Geez, those are old

And emasculate me. Cyril,

and free this isn't. Exactly. How much are they

And get me some frickin' morphine! Lana, come on, what

and held on, would you? Ron, wait!

and here we are. And, sorry,

and his freshly banged first lady? His...

And I hate to tell you this, but the First Lady and I are having an affair.

And inject a sticker into my brain? Are you out of your

and see if you're crowning. What?! For the love of

And so I ask again, why are you?! Mm m.

And so if I were you... You'd get laid a lot more?

and some of Canada! Well,

And sometimes they do. Hello.

And suddenly I don't feel so bad. You did before?

And the penny drops. You shut up, and the rest of you shut up and grab

and the second time she blackmailed me. How did she blackmail you?

And then those five. And... Archer!

and we're off. Don't be ridiculous

And what were you expecting? I guess like a

and what, Lana, your TEC 9's? Yeah, for which I have

And where the heck is Archer? I assume bothering a

And whoever had black guy, pay up. Aw, shit.

And words fail me. I have no words. How about

And you... Acquiesced.

and you're embarrassing me! I am.

And you're lucky I don't have my gun! And just why the hell don't you?!

And, wow, maybe I have aphasia

And?! And she wasn't in it?

anonymous sex? I... we had already met.

Answer it! Make me!

anything to do with your cocaine only diet! Well, it's a small

Archer? ¿Quien es más macho?

Archer? Got it.

Archer? He's okay!

Archer? Lana!

Archer? Maybe I looked it up.

Archer? Sí, Ramon, Archer

Archer. Yeah, plus gum?

Archer. Archer... Wuzzat?!

Archer... Lana, shut up. Pam!

are they? We got out of there

are under arrest! What?

Are you ever? She said, single and

Are you nuts?! Are you? You want them to get

arrested for treason! Oh for the love,

as a metric ton, but... Metric.

As luck would have it. What about guns?

aside, I do actually love you. And so here's this viable sample just sitting there

ask? I promise you no one is

asking that. Well, they should

Asshole. Yeah, or a rim job.

at the airport, so... No, they are not sitting idle, they are...

Aw. And B how...

away, and then I knock him down with a sled? That's Citizen Kane.

Ay, mierda. Oh, goddamn Latin.

back around. Archer... Why do I have to go

back in there?! Because I said so!

bars or...? I mean, we do.

be drowned? Not all babies.

Because every time you shoot me. Whoa, whoa, whoa, not every time!

because I personify outlaw country? The...

Because she isn't here. Oh!

Because that's what you are! Cherlene, I I...

Because? Because a violin would

because... Super.

been so long. Okay, it's been...

been together, or...? It was a mission, Lana!

Beep boop. He's been paralyzed

Before I die. Yes, Ramón,

being Japanese? I guess only the

best? Pull a stunt like this

bother tigers. Then you may call

Breathing? Also, yes, so, hey, what's the plan?

Brother, the launch sequence! No!

bubble wrap. What is your proposal?

Bullets. Oh for... Sterling,

bullion, anything you can cram in a suitcase! Mm, mm. Wouldn't bullion

bunch of tunnels? To capture

Burt Reynolds! They don't have the coke, lickbag!

but for dogs that are poor. Archer!

But I can't bang you if you die from an overdose. Aw, you want to bang me?

But it's tomorrow night and she refuses to fly. Wait, really?

but somehow, I can't find my gun! Huh.

But what if the rebels recognize me? If..

But, also, I always fall for it. And now what's to stop her from telling him about

But, hey, speaking of time... What's your Bishop Score?!

But, sir, I don't have enough troops. Oh, my God, always

But... It's also called

But... Look, I realize this

buying more coke? You and your stupid, stupid cocaine!

By God, I am coming! Okay, you three head

Calderón! That we got from him! What?!

Calderón? So he could fight the rebels.

calm the shit down?! Wow.

Can you not? Can you not?

can't put a price on free advertising. No, they don't,

Can't you give her a brain chip? A what? A brain chip.

Can't! Oh

Carol? Yep yep yep!

chance. But but, Archer, I...

Charles and Rudi?! Wait, the hitmen?!

Cherlene wrote a song about us. What? She didn't write a...

Cherlene, listen, it is crazy poor. Yeah, that was my whole...

Cherlene! Ow! God! Come on!

Cherlenemania! It's a mortar attack! I know!

Cheryl's singing career? Maybe you.

child to think about! Jesus Christ, Lana,

Chill out, Miggs! I'm sorry, it's just

Christ in it. I mean, I take your

Christ! Mother, hey, go over there and tell me if you can...

clone bone. You're not

cocaine addiction? Or the inspiring story

cocaine and not be dead? I've actually

cocaine cake?! Oh, please.

cocaine to forget they live there. Yeah, but not 100 pounds.

cocaine? As God... is my witness.

Cocaine? Nope.

cocaine. Well, but look on the

coming, brother! Hiy..

commanding an army. And as Third and

Corre! Corre! Espere! Espere! Esp wughh!

counterfeit money. Yeah, good job,

country song. Here's your country

Couple of weeks? Try couple of never.

crappy food anyway? And then left?

Crooked cops? Yes!

Cupcakes? Oh! Oh, no. Then what's it...?

curiosity. Just your curiosity?

cyborgs, help me out... Space pirates...

CYRIL No, you're not... Outlaw country!

Cyril, do not stop this bus! Okay!

Cyril, for God's sake, be careful! Would you shut up?

Cyril, look... Cyril...!

Cyril! I'm coming as fast as

Damn it, Cyril, slow down! Cyril, do nothing of the sort!

Damn it, Pam. Why the hell did you do that?

Damn it! Man, and here you are without your gun.

Defiling a corpse... Defiling a different corpse...

describing meat. No, no, no.

dictator... President.

Did it explode?! Uh, no. I think we would've heard it.

die with dignity... From an overdose of

Disagree

do I mean? I mean that! I'm going into labor! Wait. What?!

do it. Then you're an idiot.

do nothing. Said the clone of Adolf Hitler.

do now to intelligence work. Don't worry, I won't!

do what's known as a... Protective sweep...!

Do you have any idea how humiliating this is? Do you have any idea how humiliating this is?

Do you know her or... No, but I can

do, run from the cops? I want you to take that exit for the venue.

does the frickin' FBI get off... Sterling Archer?

doesn't even have cable. But what about

doing here? I could ask you the

doing here? What the hell are you

doing? She's fine. I told her you didn't know

don't do that! That's not what good buddies do! Okay, first of all,

Don't shoot! Now then.

don't. Yeah, everybody hates

Doppelkriegers. I assume they had a

down to it, please do rescue me. Okay!

drift race with the Yakuza? The Yakuza?

Drop your weapon! Drop your weapons.

Duh. Idiot.

Duh. Pregnant. Yeah, airstrike, naval bombardment, amphibious

dun't worry about it. Kinda feel like I should.

ears on, Snowball? Come back. Hang on.

Eee! Cowboy music? Presidente,

Eh. Shut up,

Eh. Doesn't matter who. Krieger!

Eighty dollars. For a fork?!

elegant solution. Krieger

elephant. Who the hell is...

Enable the shit out of me! What?

Enough! Hang on!

Es la cantante! ♪ It's all about me

es más... Archer!

even ask, but... Blow him?

Even Ramón? Especially Ramón.

Ew! A baby, by the way,

Ew! Right?

Ew! The what cam?

face? Is that so much to ask?

famous. I could be

fault. What the... What're you...

feel my legs. Are you sure you

feet? Is that worse, or... Hey! I have the correct

fields with the rebels' blood! Gross!

fifty grand... Way to go, Pam.

files. One of whom we blew

find you? Um...

fired back up boop! It's just we're like,

first... I meant Cherlene, you pea wit.

Flip a coin? No.

fluid. Ugh.

flying the same day you're performing. Oh, don't worry about that.

food? Well, no, they

for it. What?!

for once again giving me the precious gift of legs. You're welcome.

for rational? Racional.

for shits and giggles. Um, so, hey, speaking of...

For the love of God, just pull over! Uh, okay.

For what? Hmm, I guess Pontiac?

for... Monopoly money! Huh? What?

frottage... Enough!

Get out! And, Pam, get in here. No, no...

get set up in the drug trade. Well,

get the jet ready for takeoff... Outlaw country! Let me finish!

ghost? What is it with your

Gimme! Archer, move your...

Give it h... Give... Ray, give

gloating! Oh, shut up.

glossy 8x10s... I'll do it!

go join the rebels. Yes, then you and

go right to the cops! What?!

God hates you. Open 'em up. Wha...?

God knows where? Well, that statement

God, get out. I meant home.

God, I hope so. Yup. Time! Start a clock, assholes!

God. And where are you going?

God. Snake poisoning.

Goddammit. And so, right about here

Goddammit. What was loco

Goddammit... But overall

goddamn balloonist! So, why does she want

goddamn cocaine! Make me!

Goddamn it, I can't hear... Brett?

Goddamn it, woman! Come on!

Goddamn it! Yep. Got ourselves a little quadroon.

Goddamn it! How long was I out? Like, 12 hours? Five states,

Goddamn it. ¡Oye, tanto!

Goddamn it. Godspeed, you

Goddamn it. Is everybody okay? Yes.

goddamn telephone! Now, there's

going anywhere, and B... Señor Presidente! Our radar station has detected

going on? Cyril's the new

gonna die?! Aah, the darkness!

good is that for?! Eh, I'm making

Good morning. No, sir, good day.

Got it. I'm serious.

Got to remember to breathe, though. That's the... Oh, get out, you lying

Gout. Mumps.

Goutmumps? Progeria!

grab that one. Private Me,

Guess. Ah.

Gun gun gun gun! Cyril look out! No!

guys... What say we don't

Ha ha ha ha. It's not funny, I actually use mine.

Ha, ha, ha, ha. Stayin' alive. Holy shit, that works!

Ha! Exactly, I... Hey, screw you!

Ha! I'm serious. I mean,

Ha! Shut up.

Hai. What, were the

handled if the CIA had kept its fat nose out! And yet here we are,

Hang on, I heard it was nicotine. It may very well be, Pam,

Hang on, I still got two... Pam, get the coke!

Hannibal Montana? What the ? Pam?!

happy with us... And since the FBI

have a problem with. Oh, screw me!

having their shit together. Anyway, as you can

He absolutely was. Is that true?

He can take care of himself. Yeah, and I doubt

He had lots of guns. Yeah, he's doing life

He looks dead. He's not.

He was in on it from day one. What?!

He's just a little boy. But whatever is wrong

hell did it go?! Oh, you were serious?

Hello, people would steal it? I realize

Hello, pregnant? Dr. Krieger has

Hells Angels busy? Busy being pussies.

her, um... Ew! No! You do it! I'll do it!

her? Wha...? She's having a baby!

here, too? That's not what the

Hey, is your dad still big into tapas? My what?

Hey, Krieger! What the hell is

Hey, sleepyhead! Welcome to Texas! Already?

Hey, what are you doing? Waiting for you.

Hey! Hello, Ray?

Hey! Lick it.

Hey! Pam!

Hey! What?! What the hell are you

Hey. Oh for... Ray, you used

Hey. Hi! Do you people hear that? After the air strike

him? Because remember

Hmm? Oh! Goddamn it!

Hmm... or at least Deputy Ops. Which and I'm just

Hold it up. Lana, come on. You and Mother smashed my balls

Holly? Archer?

Holy shit. Why was I not informed

Holy shitsnacks. I will break both of

Honduras and Guatemala, but yes. Okay, so, am I just stupid, or...?

Honestly? No, the first time.

How about a Jacuzzi, bitches? Woooooo! You know what they say...

How are you not dead? 'Cause I'm not a pussy?

How are you still single? Right?

how crazy you sound? Do you?!

How did you...? This house is

How did you...? You remember that day

How dirty do you think my junk is? As dirty as if it were made of dirt

how do we get out of here? Well, we're, uh,

How is that not fair? Moto doesn't just want

How long would that take? I don't know.

How much did that cost? Well, again, it's advertising, so...

Huh? What?

Huh? What the...? Lana?

hundred pounds of coke. What?!

Hurry! We must get you out of here. Wait, and me!

hush. Cherlene? I don't know. I guess.

I actually don't think you can. Plus there's no need.

I am so bored. Have you tried cocaine?

I assumed you knew. Everybody knows that.

I brought her, can I go now? Yes, for the love of

I can explain. What is this, Meatballs?

I can! Guys, we really need

I can't! Can't, or won't?

I cannot explain right now. Oh really?!

I could find! Oh, my God,

I didn't hear you

I don't fly. I... but but I've seen you fly.

I don't know how Pam's doing it. Seriously?

I don't know what that is! And I don't know who

I don't know. Did you? Have you been

I feel like I should. I mean, I am a doctor. No, you're not.

I gave you one simple job, and... I looked in her room!

I got it. Look at me.

I have a camera! Dibs! And then I doubt

I have some thoughts on this. Really? Yes.

I I didn't think I would need it. You didn't think?!

I I will divorce my wife. You what?!

I inhaled skeleton! Because now the coke...

I know how to dr... Idiot.

I know what it means. I hate I took Latin.

I know. Don't you think

I mean, unless you can guarantee me... Total immunity.

I mean, yes, what? What are we doing? What are you doing?

I mean... Yeah, I I I guess,

I meant like a steak, or some... Typical American.

I must've dozed off! Really? You don't just hate signs?

I only totally insist! Oh. So,

I said, get out...! Oh, hey, remind me

I should get, or...? Seriously?

I swear to God... If you say "buy a

I think he's dead. Pam?

I thought I actually was a pussy. Hurts, huh?

I thought people liked me. I thought we were broke.

I wanted people to like me. People who like you because you have

I was driving! Yeah, and sucking at it.

I was gonna say "help," but... Shut up. Did she say

I wasn't in the sperm donor pool. Phra... Wait, are we

I... And how did you know

I... Is there a name

I... Penis.

I... Please?

I... Ow! Gold bullion, you idiot!

I... You know... Whereas here we have

I'll do anything! You name it kid,

I'll help lickbag here change the tire. Oh, my God.

I'm coming! Said Ripley to... Ow!

I'm having a baby? Gross! Bu But it's early.

I'm I'm sorry! What the hell is going on up here?!

I'm listening. Roger

I'm not a vampire! Doesn't matter to

I'm not ear crippled! Well,

I'm not tasering you, so just... Do me!

I'm not! About this! Well, then where the

I'm sorry? Yeah, they go

I'm taking off another fifty... The hell you are!

I'm talking about us! Hmm. I don't know.

I'm the first lady! Please, hurry. We have to go before...

I'm trying to call in an air strike here. Ooh, hey, what's our ride situation?

I'm... sorry. Sorry baby

I've finished! There is one of those.

idea? I do not.

idiot. I am not the idiot who

if that's Babou...! Ugh, I wish.

If you'll just sign this form... Doo, doo, doo.

If... Plus it's daytime.

improved mind control chip. Improved?

in a hurry... Ramóoooon!

in a shit ton. Permiso, Madrina.

in here, Yoda's dad? I invited him in.

in Manhattan. Ugh, right, damn.

in prison? Hmm.

in prison. Now, that's the song

in Texas and everything?! Well, not exactly, or at all, but, Pam, come on.

Inappropes. Cherlene, wait.

Inappropes. Yay!

Indian clubs and medicine balls? Hello?

insane. And scary, and gross,

inside the house. Well, what the hell

international connections. So, I'm thinking I

into the darkness! They're just

is all your fault? My fault?

Is he dead? No.

is in there? I told you it was

is indisposed

Is is that early?! Like, ten days, but... But that's bad.

is Ivan's laugh What... in the name

Is that bad?! Archer, none of this is ideal!

Is that like...? It's comparable!

is the one obstructing. Archer!

is very... surprising. Not as surprising as

ISIS accounts, we're broke. Hopefully not for long.

It cannot possibly. Gospel of Luke?

it, but... What do you know about

it. ♪ Mmm,

it. So we have to

it... Ray, give it. I'm serious.

it's brilliant! A classic pincher

It's Espionage 101. I know, it's pretty ironic.

It's over, Cyril. It's over! Nothing is over!

Jesus Christ, fine. Whatever you want. Bravo Two, this

Jesus, Mother, it's just your birthday, not the... About that!

Jesus, Pam, I was kidding. Duh, me too, lickbag.

Jesus! All of you.

job on you know what! What?!

judge away! Right?

jumping through a stupid window. Yeah, that's about

Just asking. Lana and Mother, you

Just baby people. Don't you have a...

just for takeoff and landing! Jesus Christ. So, um, how's she

just give them their money! Oh okay sure,

Just in time for our moment of triumph. Well, if there's one

just once? Ow! I was serious

just once? Ow! I was serious

Just try to stay calm. Yeah, chill

Kachoooo! That's flour, by the way.

kicked it around with his dirty shoes. Fair enough.

Kicking me to the curb like, like... A child.

kidnapped just to boost your singing career! Well, now wait a minute.

kidnapping and murder. That does.

killing her. Oh

kilos. Eh, ¿cuanto?

Kinda feel like I should. Just worry about

Knock, knock. Who's there? Shit, I I had

Krieger! Yeah, I'm on it.

lady! Of what, this

Lana, Lana, Lana! Thank you, Cyril, I have eyeballs!

Lana, this could be our... Don't.

Lana, you're riding with me. In what?

Lana! Hey, hey, come on, they've got this

Lana! No, but let's put a pin in that.

Lana! Whoa, Jesus Christ!

Lana! Yeah, you're one to talk.

Lana! Was that a contraction?! Yup. Ohh!

Lana?! Holly?

Lana... Why do I have to carry

landing, whole megillah. Calderón needed weapons to fight the rebels, but

launch sequence. Over my dead...

launch: 90. Cyril...

Len Koenecke died. Who?

Let me finish. Oh, I'm sorry, please,

Let's get this baby out of me. Gross! Will you sh...

lettuce! Now, you listen to

Like drugs. Hmm?

Like ISIS. So you lose us $50

like to know about?! I'm positive we talked about this.

Like what? Get him!

Like you gave Cherlene so she could become a country singer. Oh, no, that wasn't

Like... three weeks. Hmm, seems so much

Lip chemo? It's the crazy guy from the lobby!

literally? Seriously, dude, what is

Literally. Are you literally insane?!

little sooner than we wanted, but... Operation Dropkick.

living room in your wheelchair? Yes.

longer than that. It...

look serious?! Well maybe she

looking for me, no? Only my whole life.

lucky winner? Hmm. I guess we have

M meep. Sterling Archer, I'd

made a connection. Now, really?

Madrina? No, idiot, I was..

Make him how? Well, I hate to

Make some more noise. Just 'cause

Malory, stop! I mean, did you used

Malory! 2.27 kilograms, then!

Maybe you pussy! Pam?

me to move over one? Eh.

meddling kids. And sir,

mention of bone throwing? Okay, yeah, that seems like a win win.

Mexican Mrs. Garrett? ¿Qué?

Mi... Mike Ducockless!

million and you want to get on the CIA payroll? Right after you

Mind if I cut in? No.

mind? Are you? Showing up at the mansion,

minutes late... No, sir.

Minutes to launch 60. Yeah, Krieger, I guess trying to defuse a warhead

Mm, no. No, it totally is.

Mm, no. Ugh!

Mm. Ow!

Mmm, no, I... What?

Mmm... maybe. Maybe?!

More cocaine. So, please

Morphine, want, find, give! Shh. Come on, Lana,

Mother, give me my gun. I don't have it I threw it away.

Move! Oh, shut up

much happier he'll be now. Or and I'm just

Musketeer, huh?! Kinda

my apartment in Ron's name. We all could've hidden

My point is... All babies should

My what?! Sorry, hang on. Juliana, I divorce you, but also

Neither was Frank Sinatra Jr. Now pull over! We are not...

Never heard of him. It's way improved,

Never heard of him. Um...

New Testament. The one with Jesus

nice plastic wrap. Yeah, you're

no ammo. What?

No, amigo, estas bien! But I'm s so,

No, doesn't work there. Yeah, it's crap.

No, I meant pounds... Sterling!

No, I said! B But, Cherlene, listen, I love you!

No, I... Uh, edema,

No, Lana, I don't ha... Ow! In addition to sushi,

No, no, no, no, no, no... What, what're you...? Oh.

No, no, no, no, no! At least let me take

No, no, no, no, what if we... Ow! You old bitch!

No, not to him! He's not the rebels! Kind of a moot point, though, isn't it?

No, she is. See? Let go of her throat,

No, this was about our annual budget. What?!

No, uh uh. That is now CIA property. Ooh, and won't that

No, we didn't! 100% positive. When?! When did we

No, what were you saying like you meant it? Thank you, Krieger,

No! Aw...

No! Goddamn it!

No! No!

No! No!

No! I will see you in Hell first. I... Okay, Carol,

No! No! Curtain is in ten minutes! What do you want me to

No. And, Lana, the rebels

No. Dicks. All right, Holly,

No. Hmm. Lana, am I just now coming out

No. No....!

No. Then what are you... Baby, what is she saying?

No. Well, let me finish, because I think

No. I I live in a very poor country. Ugh!

No...! Brother...!

No...! No..

nobody died. Yet!

Nobody do anything! Lana...

Noop! But you could be

Noop... What do you mean,

not even my underwear gun. I gave mi palabra.

Not Pam. Yay!

not six hours! So listen,

Not the first time. The first time I thought she was the maid.

Not to a Chinaman. And B,

Not to snort, you idiot! Well, I don't want to shoot it.

not... cocks! Okay! Jesus, you people.

Nothing? Meh.

noticed, this place is crawling with rebels. And not the good kind

Noventa y seis por ciento puro

Now is the time for action! Clone bone!

Now that does sound vaguely familiar. Right?

now you're the fat one? Um, I said we were not

Now, go! You

Now, then... Ow, ow, ow, ow. Stop it. Stop it.

now... Jesus God. Okay, Slater, I know it's a

Obviously, you idiot! Why?! Kidnapping!

of a dying man! Who you had a crush on.

of a fake shootout?! See what I'm saying?

of adequacy that is your dick. "Adequacy" as in "mind blowingness"?

Of course it is real. Ramón?

Of course. Uh... Pam?

of Gerogia clay... Oh my God.

of God... is funny?! You said you've seen cooze.

of how it works. What? Oh.

of I have snake poisoning. Moveri!

of the head and string him up on a lamppost like Mussolini! Yeah. What then?

of this, Krieger? If he even is Krieger!

of vaginal hygiene? My what?

off their own fingers. Do they know how to

Oh my God the burden. Make sure

Oh shi... ...it!

Oh shit. What,

Oh, all right, Lana, you win! Yay!

Oh, and, uh, I quit. Wha... Why? Because you lying to me

Oh, are you sure? I was sure, like,

Oh, come on, please? I...!

Oh, come on, we were all thinking it. What, how are you all

Oh, come on! Shut... up.

Oh, come on. You wouldn't dare.

Oh, did I mention, a tiger ate him? What?!

Oh, for God's sake. Minutes to

Oh, God! They're shooting at them!

Oh, I don't want to... I want to say church and state?

Oh, I'm the idiot? I mean, historically...

Oh, I'm the idiot? Yes.

Oh, Jesus, I forgot about the... Giant pot farm

Oh, like I brought a huge stack. Five's a pretty big stack.

Oh, my God, good thing you added that last part. You heard the doula move it!

Oh, my God, I can't feel my face! Gee, Pam, I wonder if that's got

Oh, my God. Join the club.

Oh, my God. Yeah, spoiler alert.

Oh, no, it's actually Ms.... It's actually Mrs.

Oh, shit! Yeah, I'm gonna pull over.

Oh, thank God! Cyril? Wait.

Oh, wait, you just did! Wait. You can't be both!

Oh, you were serious? Alright, I'm going home,

Oh, you were serious? Did I not

Oh! Goddamn it! Ooh!

Oh. Because I want to buy

Oh. Oh, God, no. Yes!

Oh. Then, yes. I'm home. I'm finally home.

Oh. Well now I feel like an asshole. When do you not?

Okay, breach it. Roger that.

Okay, Ray... Ow.

Okay, uno, dos... ¡No dispare!

Okay. Whoa! Whoa! Jesus! We give up. Whoa! Whoa! Come on.

on earth? That sounds high.

on that list? Malory?

One, two, three, Go Herd

Ooh, and Cherlene! Ooh, and no.

Ooh, is that like Austin City Limits? It's comparable,

Ooh! Well, that went better than expected. Yeah, maybe you can use

Oops. Give me that.

Open this door! Well, not now...

Or avenge me as appropriate. That's it, I'm

Or definitely. Or whatever

Or donations, whatever. Of pre tax dollars from pot taking

Or even unlaughable? Get out!

Or I'm their clone, or... Oh, please, you and

Or kilos, or whatever. You put 50 kilos of cocaine on this bus

Or three, or whatever. Quit eating all the

Or... What the hell are you doing?

Ouch. Which, turns out, was

out of, mithril? Ow!

out to pro abortion, super PACs! Still no words.

out with $99.50 in change. Hey, that's brilliant,

Outlaw country! Woooooo! Howdy, Tony Foti, Stringer Records,

over time, we can work through it. Well, at least he

overheating. Well, then stop, you

Ow, ow, goddamn it! Not that. Lana, in case you haven't

Ow, ow, Lana, quit it, ow. Ow, goddamn it. Asshole.

Ow! ...anything seriously

Ow! Breathe, bu...

Ow! Enough! But, Pam,

Ow! Goddamn it!

Ow! How is she singing so...

Ow! Huh?

Ow! Malory.

Ow! Seriously.

Ow! Which is why you don't

Ow! Come on. Ow! Ow! Okay. What happened?!

Ow! Ow! What's this door made

Ow! Whose ring is that, the Pope's?! Ouch!

Ow. No. Ow, ow, ow. Ooh..

Palpatine. Is that a reference

Pam to get a wooden stake

Pam! Jeez, okay! But you're gonna owe me!

Pam! Lana...!

Pam! Sterling?

Pam! Uh huh.

part, is this was, like, 1890. Will you hurry up?

pay them! With what?!

paying Cherlene? It's public television, they don't pay

people doing in San Marcos in the first place?! Selling weapons to

pica?! I...

Piracy. White slavery.

please, permission to redeploy the troops at the airport. Ay, aah!

Plus I bet there's mole people. Okay, I think her

Poaching alligators... Smuggling Mexicans...

point. Since we're being

Poppety pop pop, cocaine

Por qué no te callas?! Ramón!

pornos in my ancestral home?! Ah, einige

possibly need. Yeah, but I never

pounds of it in the pantry! So, then

pregnant. Oh, wait. Can you two please go...

Presidente, this is no time for toast. Wha...No, not "toast," a toast.

Presidente. Good! Yes. I am glad you are here.

presse with a file in it. Half a chicken, no

pretending to search for the cocaine? While planting the

Priceless. But worthless... if you damage it.

Prison? But it's my first offense. Well, except for treason,

product under lock and key? Yup, in the kitchen

pulled over with 50 pounds of cocaine? What?!

pulling the d****s! Still, though...

Put Sterling on the... Hey, damn it, Archer!

putting whiskey and glue inside me. You heard her. Fix it.

question! We came to join the

quite interesting... What... about..

railroad, yeah, so... So why'd he build a

Ramón! What?

Rando? Slater?

Ray, airport, let's go. Have you lost your mind?

Ray! Stop it!

Ray? Already packing mentally.

really a biker gang? Who gives a shit?

Really? Well, we hated you less

rebellion? I'm fighting the

rebels are outflanked. Sir,

rebels. What?

redeploying to my room. My God, why was she so upset?

renovate my offices. Ha! You really are out of your mind.

reporting for sploosh. Take Tweedledick and Tweedleballs, go

Right, and your 10 percent of it. Or 50 or whatever.

Right? I... Well, no, but the first time...

Right? Please, sir! Accept our surrender!

Right? We're not killing Pam!

Right?! Popety, pop pop pop, pow

rocket, Krieger. Or should we say

Ron! Talk about a

Ron?! I say screw the money.

Ron's gonna die? Wait, Ron's

run out of coke, huh? Now, there's a moot

sack of bastard! Okay, A: He and Mother are the lying sacks of

said yesterday. Oh, come on, that

say Brazos county? Give you three guesses!

Says you! Says your contract,

scared the shit out of me! What,

school. It's from... No, you

Scooby Doo? Oh, come on!

Second worst birthday ever. What?

See? What?

See? What'd I tell you! I thought it was

see... Why are they

seed in your idiot son's brain about selling it overseas. Which I could have

sequence, so we've... Get that idiot Calderón on the phone!

Seriously, thanks for the deaf baby. Oh, shut up. Cher...

sex with me? Por qué?

Shane...! Shane...!

She hates it. ISIS had satellites.

She Hulk, those pipes just sold a million records. Which is amazing!

She insisted. So we could unfreeze

She said, suddenly oddly maternal. Right?

Shh, it's going to... Oh, my God, What if there are too many hands and

Shiro kabocha. It's Mr. Moto!

Shit! Because even

Shootout? Noop.

Shut up. Seriously though, I'm sorry you heard

Sí, Madrina. Pruébalo, por

since he's crippled... And also since

sit rep. Down where? There, down there, at

small. Said Ripley to the...

Smokey and the goddamn Bandit. What?

Smokey trucker nonsense. I think part of it is because you didn't get him

so goddamn loud? Could you not find a punch bowl?

so I switched. Well, you certainly

so I switched. Well, you certainly

So it's about goddamn time! Ooh, hang on a sec?

So stay awake! I'm trying, but 18 hours?

So win win! Wha..? Win win?

So, 900 kilos. I..

So, airport? But the note says not...

So, um, quick question... Why the hell

So, what do you suggest we do? We throw her

So...? So I need my slightly

some churros! Malditos gringos.

some thought. Plus, I mean, it's not

something for this. Come see the baby, stupid.

something I care about. Hey, so...

song's about! Told you.

sorry baby sorry baby... Lanaaa! Get cocaaaaaaine!

Sorry. He's probably not

sound concussed. He sounds like a

space shuttle... Cyril choke banged you on a blimp?

spaceman. What? A Lego sticker?

speaking quietly. Smart.

stage fright? No way!

start to finish, what an incompetent boob. Your words.

staying, too. What?

stealing coke? Wha...? No!

Sterling can you hear me? Ramón?!

Sterling can't screw that up. Look, I think maybe

Sterling? Mawp?

Sterling? Well, he can't hear you now, I... ow!

still doing phrasing? Huh. Should I be in there?

still fine tuning it, but... We have no plan,

Stop eating it, dammit! Pam?

Stop it. Make me.

stumble onto the coke. Hang on.

sun sort it out! You need to hush.

supply. Of what, coca leaf

supposed to mean?! Oh, why don't you ask

surrounded, so... So call

swinger pals? Well, I wouldn't

Take it back! Cyril, help!

talk about this?! 80% positive. Wait a minute.

Ten four. So, I think we may have a problem.

ten goddamn four?! How about how much did this cost?

terrible Yakuza. Yeah, and on a

than ever. Then he shuts off the

Thank you. Como siempre

Thank you. It's a fork.

Thank you. Vampire lovers.

that CB McHaul toy truck he wanted for his birthday. Wha...? He was 30!

that guy in. Ew!

That seems like a pretty slippery slope! Pam, any cocaine is

that she is pregnant. Oh my God,

that stinks! It's not that bad!

that the last man inside of me was Archer. What?

That thing is smooth. I...! Thank you.

that, flight deck. Um... Range 150. ETA 12 minutes.

that? Let's just say,

that... So, I have a question.

That's a chance I'm willing to take. Me too.

That's a thing?! How do you not know

That's from Smokey and the... Goddamn it! Oww!

That's pretty ironic, huh? No, Pam, once again you're confusing

The cops. Boo.

the counterfeit million. But...

the damn space shuttle! Oh, my

the different kinds of porn? Because I have sex

the first lady. Well, maybe not

the Internet, or...? I have Minitel, okay?

the launch sequence? Um...

the most ethical thing I've ever done in my entire life, but... Archer?

The ordnance, Mike. Drop the ordnance. Oh.

the other. Well, not now.

The painting... you idiot. Oh.

the police. Ooh, good idea, and

the process of disarming it? Ooh! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

The Queen of Outlaw Country? What the hell are you

the second time? Hmm. Nothing, she's crazy.

The shelling has stopped. Oh, did you just say that?

the stake

the swimming pool... I meant! Ass!

the Underground Railroad. Wait, did he think it

the way down here. And then brought

The what? Oh, for..

The what? Okay, first of all...

The what? Wait, what?

The... Shut up, we're here.

their drugs! Well, I support you

them! No, Ray, I just feel like smashing stuff.

There, I found her. Cherlene, please!

there. But why are you

they just redid the kitchen. Ahem.

they just want the coke, so throw it out! Of the car?

they were actually waltzing. I'm sure they're

They're all dead! Yeah, but...

thing I love, it's triumph! What is it?! All will be reveald... in time.

thing people know about! Yeah after six weeks,

thing was your idea. Did you guys hear that?

things to and/or on me! I... You are not getting

thinking it. Get down!

this giant metaphorical bullet. Hey, and where are we

this is my offer and it is nonnegotiable... You think she's

This isn't ISIS. No, I...

This quit being funny two hours ago! It's not supposed to be funny.

this residence unlawfully. Uh, you want to jump

this room. Hmph.

this thing. Really? Yes.

throw in a pound of coke? Can I?!

tiger? Of course there is

tiger. Oh, God

time wasn't president for life! Uh, but he could

Time?! Nine minutes!

tipped with deadly nerve gas is technically exciting. Yeah, right?

tit bondage porn

Tittenfreude, huh? Ooh, ja.

To all of it. You sure? Because I have this very clear

to be a man? Pam?

to be a red leather banquette! Dios mío,

to be tongue... Because, I

to Colombia? I assume as a sample?

to move in? And so, the sooner

To Ramón, Of all people! Look, I don't know

to tell with you! And since Carol insists

ton of cocaine. Yes.

totally fine. Archer!

totally go for right now?! Some cocaine?

Totally out of bullets. See that? My bad, guys. That's on me.

track them. Ray posted a

tractor pull to headline? Yes.

tranquilize a federal agent. Do you have a better

truck's distributor cap, got it? Uh...

Turn it up! 40 miles

Ugh! Do you hear that?

Ugh! Right?

Uh, I don't know anything! I believe that to be

Uh, okay. Mark! Twain!

Uh, sorry, Archer. Ten ten four, good buddy.

Uh, what's that? Cyril?

Uh... Oh, shit

Uh... oh! Uh, sorry, Archer. Exactly the opposite

Um, do you want to...? Yes. Wait, were you gonna say "watch"?

Um, never mind. Archer, I s...

Um, uh, vaguely. Okay.

Um... No.

Um... Ugh, díos mio,

Uncle. Uh, friend of the family. Dude. Drop it.

uncut, Colombian cocaine. Holy shit, yes!

undetected. Oh, you were serious?

Unghh... Is he a zombie?

up killing Palpatine. Hey.

up with you? I could

Upper East Side? I don't know,

upstairs. Wait, what?

upstairs... Hang on.

us out. Yeah, and after you

used to leading. You know..

Vamonos! Los Americanos vienen! Corre!

Vasectomy. Piles.

vault. No what?

volts, it's like, like... Sploosh.

Wait college? Yeah, right?

Wait a minute, where is my wife? And where is Sterling?

Wait, is it "are" or is it "is"? It's "where," idiot!

Wait, seriously? Yes,

Wait, so does what? What, did you just want mouth to mouth?

Wait, they're not? No... they... are...

Wait, wait, huh, huh? What? You okay? Yeah

Wait, what about Krieger? Oh, for... who cares about Krieger?

Wait, what are we doing? Stabbing science into

Wait, what? Jesus. Oh, come on in.

Wait, what? Non surprise.

Wait, what? Outlaw country!

Wait, what? Sterling!

Wait, what?! It was all

Wait. Do they even have record players? Well, no, obviously not, but...

Wait. No. I remember blood on snow. Right?!

Wait. What?! Well, not ate ate. Well, no, but by

Wait. Whoa, no. I... Well, then, good luck getting any more weapons,

Wait... Oh, please. Like you're the only one who

Wait... you do? Ow! Yeah, you know,

waiting for?! Yeah, but think how

Warhammer guild. So, get used to that

was like, "No way. Cash only." So... Iran?!

was literally...? A subterranean

was the pruno talking. Well, I hate to break

was there only one blue fork? What the hell?!

was trusting you! How can you say that?!

watch. No, no, no, no!

We can't have a yard sale. Plus it's illegal?

we can't take Shane with us. Yeah, we can,

We do! Right here in the Trans Am! Oh.

we drive by is a gun shop! Oh. Okay, so then what's satire?

We need to leave! Well, A: I'm president for life, so I'm not

we were hauling a shitload of coke?! Uh...

We were rogues. Potato, puh treason,

we won't actually be waltz... You know what I mean!

we...? I want to say

we'll lure them away and outrun them. In this shit heap?

We're both CIA. What?!

We're dead. You've killed us. Me?

We're going # Eastbound and down! # I will never

We're not... Shut up

we've got it right here. Oh! Great, yes,

wedding ever. Yeah, but at least

Weddings always get me. Plus cocaine.

Well, 36 but... But after we get a bus

Well, and cocaine. Which, if I'm being

Well, but... Because Cherlene don't fly.

Well, except for... Pam?

Well, I am redeploying to my rooms. Well, I am

Well, I certainly can't. Can't, or...

Well, I hope it was worth dying for. Honestly?

Well, if anything, that's heaven. And you can die knowing

Well, it took you long enough. Yeah, Mother, nine whole minutes

Well, it's a girl! Aw!

Well, maybe you saw Cheryl fly. In a helicopter, the

Well, thank... Although...

Well, this is great! How?!

Well, where the hell is it? Welp!

well? Probably because

Well?! They can also

Well... Nor am I still the

Well... Shut up.

Well... Wha...? Oh, come on!

were you kissing him?! With what appeared

Wha... Javier!

Wha...? Wow.

Wha...? No, lickbag! It was a reasonable assumption.

Wha...?! Don't ask her that.

Whaaaaat? Where did you get

What are you doing? Uh, it's called cultivating mystique?

What are you eating? Yogurt!

What are you talking about? I'm talking about Archer, who just...

What could go wrong?! Uh, you could

What could I possibly owe you?! I believe there was some

What do you mean, gone?! Not gone gone,

What do you mean, your water broke?! What do you mean, what

What if... He had his chance!

What is that? What is going on?

What is wrong with you? Nothin', Roy. Or Ray.

What is?! Beaker's boss!

What plan? Okay, this tunnel

What the f... Come on, even if you

What the heck are you looking for? Gun!

What the hell do they want? I think they want us to pull over.

What the shit, Archer?! Hang on.

What the shit, Pam?! That's how we do backseat drivers.

What the shit, Snidely Whiplash?! Now both of our cars

What the... I may have a simply

What the...? Looks like you got

What was wrong with "phrasing"?! Nothing!

What what if there's a a birth defect or... No. No, no,

What with the tank and all. Yeah. So I hereby...

What would you like to call it? Mm, cocaine enthusiast?

What, Lana, we must be talking... Wholesale? Uh, 50, 60

What, smell it. Shut up, look

What? 50, really?

What? Archer, do you want

What? Are we not saying

What? God

What? Hey.

What? How long have I been

What? Question.

What? Wait, what?

What? Why.

What? Ron's done very well. Speaking of,

What? This is exciting. Right?

What?! Cool. We didn't give him gas!

What?! Pam!

What?! Sí, mi amor.

What?! Well, if you insist

What?! Well...

What?! And make sure they don't escape.

What?! Goddamn, woman, inside voice! How...

Whatever. Lana Kane, you have known me for a long, long time.

whatsoever. Okay, good, because

When did you get so cynical? The rest of you...

when I tell her this was all your fault! Aw, come on, Archer,

Which are...?! Oh. Okay. So, I don't think we can disarm

Which is you. Well, technically, they're mercenaries from

which now we don't have! Ohhhhh...

Who are you Dave Frishberg?! Yeah, I don't know who that is.

Who is you know who?! I, uh

Who is... Oh, shut up. Now push!

who runs the entire Cali cartel? Well, again, Cyril,

Who the hell is Rando? Him!

Who uses metric? Every single country on

Who? Oh. Is it from from the cupcake?

Who?! Shh. So just look down there and...

whoever did that

Why are you slowing down?! Need... got to...

why aren't you at work? Everything's on

Why didn't you say that?! Uh, I don't know.

Why do you always ruin everything for me?! Why do you always never shut up?!

Why is the FBI here? Did he show you a warrant?

Why the hell are you smiling?! A we're not their

Why were you in the butler's pantry? I I was, uh, I was hiding because I was scared.

Why would bikers want to kidnap you? Why would anyone?

Why would you have sex with a maid? That doesn't merit a response, Mother,

Why, so you can tell us more lies? Yeah.

Why? I was concerned about

will be going with you. Kinda like the third

Will you come on?! But the gunshots...

Will you put... Wait, genuinely doesn't matter. Give me a call

Will you two come on?! On what?

Win what? We're leaving right now.

with a $50 million hole in our account. There's 40 of it.

With an inverted triple Needham. Well, it was your own

with him... Goutmumps.

with our million bucks. A million and eighty.

with the excuses. Sir, you have an entire battalion sitting idle

with the Yakuza

without a warrant. He...

without my permission?! Sterling?! You have to press the button.

woman said...! Lana.

wonderful. All right. When is it?

Woodhouse! And once you do that,

Woodhouse? In the pool.

word for it, but..

wouldn't bring any guns... We didn't,

Wow, really? Yup.

Wow. Oh, I'm sorry.

Wow. Ugh, whatever, can

Wow. Yeah. Wow.

Yah! Huh! Yum! Yum! Yum! Pam!

Yakuza? Mm mm.

Yam! Yom! Yom! Stop. Stop it.

Yay! Ugh, second worst

Yeah, but it's wearing off now. And I will tell you

Yeah, but not overall... They don't want us,

Yeah, I guess, but... Shut up.

Yeah, I guess. I don't know.

Yeah, right? They take them away

Yeah, right. Really.

Yeah, that'll teach me. Tough day, huh?

Yeah, those aren't actually the good kind, either. Now who's racist?

Yeah, to visit. Hmm?

Yeah, touchy thing, bionics. You were saying? Thank you.

Yeah, we... Let me finish!

Yeah, we'll stop at a notary. There's no time!

Yeah, you're not even famous. Yet! Duh!

Yeah. I I had black guy. Yeah. So, about that..

Yeah. That's true.

Yeah. Now do you want to help? Huh. Oh, okay.

Yep. Um...

Yes, he is, widdle, little baby! Wait. The brain chip

Yes, Pam, we can. Oh, my God, they chop

Yes! No!

Yes! No! Stop!

Yes! Oh, hey, hey, shh.

Yes! Screw you guys.

Yes! Then come on!

Yes. Between the FBI and a

You coward. Wha...? I've never loved

You dare to propose... I swear to God I can

You did good, kiddo. Mmm, yeah.

you don't need that. How dare you tell me what I...

you follow me. Oh, yeah, uh, about

you go to Miami... Oh, I'm sorry,

You had breakfast here?! Ron!

you have coke, Pam. Well, and the snowballs, but...

you have to buy the whole set! Oh, that is such

you have wildly misjudged our relationship! Archer!

You kind of turned into a ginormous asshole. Yeah, with ginormous big tittays.

You kind of turned into a ginormous asshole. Yeah, with ginormous big tittays.

You knew about this the entire time?! No, no.

You know, like when you pay bums to... Destroy an oil pipeline in...

You know... Rrrgh! Can we freaking go already?!

You know... Zip it!

You little... Racist. What?

You mad? Give ya three guesses, Pam.

You make me sick! Then why'd you have

You might wanna check your six, Snowball. Ew, is that about the shart?!

You must know... Hang on.

You ruined it. The mental image

you should write. Ugh, or maybe

You shut up! Make me!

You son of a... Oh, come on, Archer. Drop the act!

you think you are! You are not robbing my palace! Oh, yes, we are, and

You what?! What?!

you you cut rate Castro! Ha! I don't need them.

you. Okay.

you'd be surp... Oh! We're not drug dealers,

you're being facetious. Extra eemly, yes.

You're picking him over me? Oh, for... It's not a

your brain. What?!

your song! No!

Your William Howard Taft was. Not at the same time!

Your words. And then what, Archer,

Zip! Do you even hear

¡Abre la puerta!

¡Espere,

¡No se muevan! ¿Dónde están?

¡Se fueron!

¿Dijiste cocaína? ¿La quieres?

..

...admissible as evidence but only if he sees

...by up to 20 years imprisonment, if said

...if Mexicans can do it.

...is full.

...is getting eaten by Pam!

...is none of your business, and since nothing in

...or right wing terrorists with a boner for

...penis. No, you ruined it.

...phorically speaking, Pam, we got it.

...Turkmenistan?

...without all this incessant bickering

...you are way too old.

'Cause for one of 'em I got a pretty good excuse.

'Cause that's just empty calories.

'Cause they'd be like "What?"

'Cause you never think of those other two as

"Algernop Krieger."

"Cheryl and/or Carol Tunt."

"Damn, dawg, that's inappropes!" Plus, I think I'm addicted to

"Danger Zone." LANA: "Danger Zone

"danger zone"? LANA: Uh, kinda?

"Friends." Please. Can you believe those jerks? After all these years?

"handsome."

"He got a bad case of lead poisoning, see!"

"I have read this statement, each page of which

"I honestly don't know." Fair enough.

"In lieu of criminal prosecutions for..."

"Lana!" Ugh.

"noop"? Take it!

"phrasing" anymore? Which, that's fine, whatever,

"Putting pressure on him."

"Raymond Q. Gillette."

"sham" you mean "sham." MALORY: (growls) Krieger!

"Signed, Malory Archer."

"That the facts herein are true and correct,

"We"? There is no "we" anymore, Archer!

"What is your..."

"What's wrong"? What's wrong is we're about to be on fire!

"Who." Typical.

("Midnight Blues" playing)

(ALARM BLARING)

(ALL CONTINUE SCREAMING)

(ALL EXCLAIM)

(all gasping) ARCHER: Oh, no!

(ALL GRUNTING)

(ALL LAUGHING)

(ALL LAUGHING)

(ALL SCREAMING)

(Archer and Cyril grunt) RAY: You idiots!

(Archer and Cyril shout) And that.

(Archer chuckling) ARCHER: Oh, so, Cyril...

(Archer groans) PAM: Holy shit zaps!

(Archer grunts) (sniffing)

(Archer grunts) Ricky, attack!

(Archer laughs) ARCHER: Aah! Ow. Oh.

(Archer moans, coughs) (groaning) CHERLENE: Hey, are you going

(ASKING IN SPANISH)

(AUTODIAL BEEPING)

(automatic gunfire) CYRIL: Yeah!

(belches) (groans) (sighs) What's the worst that

(BLOWING WHISTLE) Outlaw country!

(BOTH COUGHING)

(both grunting) RAY: Sorry, Cyril.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(both shivering)

(BOTH SIGHING IN RELIEF)

(BURPS)

(buttons popping) Although that being said, it's better to be safe than

(car door closes) Okay, so phase two may call for

(Cherlene squealing) CHERLENE: These things are

(chuckles) ARCHER: I lied. I mean, yes, eight.

(chuckles) Okay. I can explain that.

(clears throat)

(clears throat)

(CLEARS THROAT)

(clears throat) CALDERÓN: Not until the guest of honor arrives.

(clears throat) Uh, may I help you? MAID: I'm sorry to bother

(CLEARS THROAT) Well?

(cork pops) Yes? MALORY: Oh.

(COUGHING)

(COUGHING) Kick, Cyril, kick!

(coughs) Although, that being said..

(coughs) ARCHER: Oh, wow, he really

(crashing, fighting) ARCHER: Loggins! Loggins!

(Cyril gasps) RAY: Dukes

(Cyril moans) RAY (strained): We're not

(door opens) Whoa, whoa, uh, uh, oh, I ju... oh, ah, I just... (chuckles)

(EXCLAIMING)

(EXHALES) Thanks, you guys. I think the spa day

(explosions) MALORY: You what?

(forklift beeping) (many forklifts beeping) CALDERÓN: It doesn't matter

(gasps, grunts) RICKY: What the hell is your

(gasps) CALDERÓN: Okay, all but him, arrest.

(gasps) Oh, oh, oh... (muffled yelling)

(GASPS) What. You could walk this whole time?

(GROANING)

(GROANS)

(groans) AIR TRAFFIC CONTROLLER: Beechcraft, you are clear for

(GROANS) Go Herd.

(grunting gibberish) KENNY LOGGINS: What's that?

(grunts) ARCHER and CYRIL: Whoa!

(GUARDS LAUGHING)

(gulps) (burps)

(gun clicking) (gunshot) CALDERÓN: And to repeat,

(GUN CLICKING) God damn it, Cyril!

(gun clicks) How did you...

(gunshots) KENNY LOGGINS: Hi yah!

(indistinct shouting) ARCHER: Don't shoot! Don't shoot!

(indistinct talking) MALORY: Without even checking the merchandise?

(jug shattering) Jug down!

(Kenny Loggins grunts) ARCHER: Pam, no, no, no, no,

(Lana sighs) LANA: Steal what?

(Lana squeals) Ugh!

(LAUGHING)

(LAUGHING) What the hell is that?

(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS)

(laughs) Ropper... Wow, that's awful

(Malory groans) MALORY: That explains where

(Malory shrieks) (others cheering) CYRIL: Yay!

(Malory sighs) MALORY: The perfect ending

(metal clanging)

(MIMICS TOY GUN FIRING)

(MIMICS TOY GUN SHOOTING)

(muffled scream)

(muffled scream) (Lana sighs) LANA: Don't even want to

(murmurs of agreement) CALDERÓN: And also let us not forget my brave soldiers, yes,

(noisy chewing) ARCHER (mouth full): Jesus,

(others agreeing) ARCHER: That's because

(others groaning) LANA: Sorry to break that up.

(Pam farts) (Archer laughs)

(Pam grunting) ARCHER: A housekeeper and/or

(Pam laughs) PAM: Man, you got to miss it.

(Pam shouts) (Ricky screams)

(phone rings) CHERLENE (gasps): Oh, my God.

(quietly): Okay, listen up. Say what you will about my

(RAY AND CYRIL WAILING)

(rhythmic zipping) (rhythmic shaking) ARCHER: ♪ Apache

(Ricky and Pam roaring) (Ricky and Pam grunting)

(Ricky screams) ARCHER: Okay. Okay, good.

(ROARING)

(SCOFFS) Name it, he's a gigantic pussy.

(screams) (all crying)

(shouting continues) LANA: Way to go, Gilligan. (gunshot)

(SHOUTING IN SPANISH)

(SIGHS) Because they're gonna kill us. What?

(SIGHS) That was the only way they'd do it.

(SIGHS) You are kidding!

(SINGING) Waiting for the night!

(slurps)

(snapping) (groaning) Although not that particular

(SNEEZES)

(SOBS)

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

(speaking Spanish) (shouting) (gunshots)

(sputtering) (Archer and Cyril shout)

(STAMMERING)

(STIFLES SNEEZE)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(thunder crashes)

(thunder rumbles) (Krieger squeaks)

(thunder rumbling) (screaming) ARCHER: Goddamn it, Ray. Are you drunk?

♪ ...auto parts This year.

♪ ♪ But I'm high enough

♪ All right now. ♪

♪ And I'm crying Suppressing fire!

♪ Baby, please don't go

♪ Baby, please don't go ♪

♪ Baby, please don't go ♪

♪ Baby, please don't go ♪

♪ Baby, please don't go ♪

♪ Baby, please don't go ♪

♪ Baby, please don't go down to New Orleans

♪ Baby, please don't go down to New Orleans

♪ Before I be

♪ Before I be your dog Before I be your dog ♪

♪ Before I be your dog get you way down here

♪ Before I be your dog get you way down here make you walk alone

♪ But I drink enough to say hello ♪

♪ Eastbound and down ♪ ♪ Loaded up and truckin' ♪

♪ I'll burn it down

♪ I'm eastbound Just watch ol' Bandit run! ♪

♪ In the ghetto where Mac Davis sucks it. ♪

♪ My baby's leaving

♪ On that midnight train

♪ This is it. KRIEGER: Yeah, you guys box

♪ We gonna do what they say can't be done ♪

♪ We got a long way to go ♪ ♪ And a short time to get... ♪

♪ Yeah, your girl done gone down to the county farm ♪

♪ You know how I feel right now? ♪

♪ You know how I feel right now? ♪

$1 million! Yes, real dollars.

$50 million, Lana.

20 years?! Lana, look at all