That '70s Show - Season 1 Edit

A car is a privilege.

A car is a responsibility.

A car is not a bedroom on wheels.

A friend of mine, and it's not me...

A keg is equivalent to seven cases, that's 168 beers.

A really long hour.

A University of Wisconsin envelope sticking out of your bra.

Actually, we need to be excused.

All I'm saying is, have respect for her.

All I'm saying is, we have to wait for the right time.

All right, enough horseplay.

All right, how do you get the beer out?

All right, I'll tell you what.

All right, look, they sell taps at the liquor store.

All right?

All right.

Also, I didn't think you'd be interested in Todd Rundgren.

Always yield. Always!

And above all, don't get sucked into my dad's hair.

And as God is my witness, there will be a party!

And cocktail dads have beer taps.

And did you know that Laurie's flunking out of college?

And for the first time, Jackie, that includes you.

And gave it back. That was great.

And he brushed her tears away

And he kissed my mama's face

And he says, "Does the rich lady need any help around the house?"

And he's 43, so we're both legal. No problem there.

And I have to go to the ladies' room.

And I say, "I know a something that needs attending to...

And I'm doing it for you, baby.

And I'm gonna do the right thing.

And I've watched that team, I'm not impressed, boy.

And it runs on water, man.

And Jackie's mukatots will get huge.

And listen to Todd Grunion records?

And my daddy stepped inside

And my decision is:

And no doughnuts, either.

And not get pregnant.

And nothing will stand in the way of my dream...

And now, The Spotlight Dance.

And pick up a tap for his keg.

And so will you if you don't screw it up now.

And that Donna's a nice girl.

And the backseat of a car is no place to be worrying about birth control.

And the hospital is so close...

And then I swung into a pool full of cops on a garden hose...

And then you apply pressure with your thumb...

And then, in the dream, two of The Three Stooges fed me g****s...

And there I was all day long on the hippity hop.

And this lovely tile walkway leads directly to the pool...

And we can't stop you from doing what you want to do.

And you know, Bob, those SOBs at the dealership...

And you pierce the core...

And you think it's solid, but if you take an instrument...

And, Eric, cold. Definitely cold.

Andrew Jackson?

Ants.

Are they cheap?

Are we gonna have to deal with the whole Jackie experience?

Are you sure?

Are you worried about you and Eric?

As it is to eat.

Baby!

Back from those thieves.

Be happy, whore.

Be responsible for your own actions.

Beats me.

Beats me. If you guys need me I'll be with Jackie...

Because his friends aren't saucy.

Because I know you really don't like my friends.

Because the pressure of that much worryfree sex...

Bigger than the left one.

Bingo! Forman scores! Right?

Birth control pills.

Birth control?

Blah, blah, blah, yak, yak, yak.

Blah, blah. You're late.

Bob realizes his daughter is growing up.

Boy, just when you think you've seen everything.

Boy, that was really funny...

Boy, we're good.

Bring it on, Red.

But Abe Lincoln's hanging out with the Washington twins.

But enough of this levity, wench!

But he isn't bad in his soul.

But it could...

But it ends in whoopee.

But lately, he's noticed some slight changes...

But many times I wear it to get down to business.

But my cousin Carla told me that I could not get pregnant...

But she has tremendous breasts, yes?

But talk to you

But talk to you

But talk to you

But this is the most fun you're ever gonna have.

But we've taken it upon ourselves to help your mom...

But when I do, jump back, Loretta.

By the end of the night, we'll have made over $200.

By the way, thanks for the ride.

Bye.

Can do for you.

Can I help you?

Can you imagine how I felt standing there with Eric...

Can't recall.

Carrying my dad's tap.

Cash.

Check it out.

Clean the attic.

Come here.

Come on, Bob.

Come on! You know I'm breaking up with her.

Concerts...

Count me out.

Daddy, it was just a very, very tough quarter.

Did I mention that I killed a guy in algebra?

Did Kelso forget your birthday or something?

Did she just break up with me?

Dinner's over! You. Kitchen. Now.

Dirt! I swear. Now tell me.

Ditto.

Do I get the car?

Do you have any idea how much insurance is?

Do you need something to do?

Does he still have his sailor's uniform?

Does it do anything weird to your hair?

Don't beat yourself up. You had no way of knowing.

Don't change the subject.

Don't do it! That's your birth control.

Don't mind me.

Don't want to miss Sanford and Son.

Don't worry about it. Just remain calm, keep moving.

Don't worry. I'm breaking up with her.

Donna and I are taking pictures for the yearbook.

Donna, I have to go to the ladies' room

Donna, what am I gonna do? I'm in such trouble.

Donna, you have never asked me to go to the bathroom with you before.

Donna!

Donna?

Donna?

Donna?

Donna's on the pill.

Down the street

Down the street

Down the street

Duct tape? Do you know how much pressure runs through that tap?

Eight days after your first day or your last day?

Eight, Bob. There are eight.

Empty pool, empty house, full keg.

Eric knows? Thanks a lot, Dad!

Eric, and Donna, and me, and Hyde, and the foreign kid Fez.

Eric, be nice to your sister.

Eric, can I talk to you?

Eric, I don't want you to think this changes anything between us.

Eric, it's a car.

Eric, relax.

Eric, you are a 17 year old man.

Eric, you're like a million miles away. What's going on?

Eric, you're not eating. Are you sick?

Eric!

Eric?

Eric.

Eric. It is time

Eric...

Especially in the car on the way back.

Even if we do get it, we're gonna need some serious gas money...

Ever since yesterday, I can't stop thinking about you.

Ever.

Everybody in the deep end! My mother is showing the house!

Familiar?

Feet. They will get long as well as wide.

Fez, for those of us who only speak English, what exactly is a "mukatot"?

Fine.

For eight days after my period.

Foreplay is very important.

Forman stole something. To Forman.

Forman, you know what you should do, man?

Forman, you need to get your dad's tap now.

Friends.

Get in the back.

Get your ugly butt home.

Give us our $4 back. Okay. Fez.

Go for it, Eric.

God hates me.

God, it's Destroy and Giveback.

Good news.

Good night, killer.

Good night.

Good night.

Good work, Starsky.

Great, we can whittle the beer out.

Guess what?

Guys. Randy's date is a man.

Guys. We are in the middle of nowhere...

Hanging out

Hanging out

Hanging out

Happens all the time. Take care.

Have a good time.

Have fun.

Have I told you how incredibly attractive you are, Eric?

He came in today with a sebaceous cyst...

He knocks on the door, and I answer it in my teddy.

He took a tub of ice?

He's a bad boy, he's had some rough breaks...

He's a teenager. He doesn't wanna drop...

He's a typical American who works hard...

He's alive!

He's got fake lemons with real lemon juice. He's got toothpicks shaped like swords.

He's lying to Jackie, man.

He's not in.

Heavily Caucasian.

Hello, Wisconsin!

Hello, Wisconsin!

Hello, Wisconsin!

Here you go. Can I help you?

Here you go. That'll be $21.50.

Here, use the earphone.

Here's the irony of the show, Kitty, the rich, safe guy is boring.

Hey, everybody! Let's hustle!

Hey, Foreplay.

Hey, gang.

Hey, Kelshmo, what, your tap is broken?

Hey, Laurie. Is Eric around?

Hey, there, Eric. You okay?

Hi, Dad.

Hi, I'm 25.

Hi, Red.

Hi, snicklefritz, what are you doing with the tub?

Hi, there, Eric.

Hi.

His head looks like a poodle's ass.

Honey, is there a warrant out for you in Fort Lauderdale?

Honey, it is rusting in the driveway.

Honey, it is the gas crisis. What can you do?

Honey, let me just tell you what I think.

Honey, really, I'd rather walk.

Honey.

Honey.

Hot pizza rolls. Coming through. Hot, hot.

How about now?

How about now?

How about one battery for two concert tickets?

How are you?

How can you say God hates you? At least you have a woman's love.

How did you find it?

How many stories do you suppose there are in this naked burg?

How often do you find a mysterious keg of free beer?

Hurry up and drink a keg?

Hurry up and drink your keg.

I am not gonna let you forget about this...

I am so sad for you.

I am totally confused.

I believe this is yours.

I believe this is yours.

I bid three hearts.

I can take the Toyota to work, and your mom can take the bus.

I can't stay mad at you with that cute face.

I can't wait.

I can't wait.

I can't work like this.

I checked the mail, Dad. Nothing. No mail.

I cut class.

I did it because I am not gonna get stuck in this dinky little town.

I did not swipe the key from my mother's real estate office...

I didn't invite you to the concert...

I didn't know if you liked music.

I didn't talk you into anything.

I didn't want to tell you before...

I don't care when you ate, Fez, get in the pool now.

I don't know if we have enough ice. Eric took a whole tub full.

I don't know what you're talking about.

I don't know.

I don't know. Carla never called me back.

I don't know. Jackie's date?

I don't know. Something with my lips?

I don't think so. I'd probably have to have sex first.

I don't.

I found it. Just sitting...

I got a birthday coming up so...

I got a whole roll of duct tape.

I got my Swiss army knife.

I gotta make some Fs into Bs before Red sees them.

I guess that's that. We're not going.

I had a nice conversation with Red and Kitty about foreplay.

I have a reward system.

I have the 45 of Hello, it's me.

I have to go to the bathroom.

I have to go to the bathroom.

I have to tell you something, but you have to promise...

I have to. I'm a cheerleader, not a cheer liar.

I hope you're happy with yourself, punk.

I intend to, sir.

I just had the most horrible flashback to when I was 16 and...

I just hope I don't get too emotional.

I just wanted to see what it was like.

I know I look young, but my dad asked me to come down here...

I know it's a boat.

I know it's like a bonus.

I know that place. It's the vacant house on Sherman.

I know you're 17...

I know. It's your grades, right? You're flunking out.

I lie to Jackie.

I lost my mailbox last year.

I love that boy.

I love Todd Runddamen.

I love Todd Runddamen.

I may not say this right because I am new to English

I mean, I cut class...

I mean, I've known you practically my whole life.

I mean, like you said, he's no Frampton.

I mean, there's a whole world that's waiting to be driven to.

I mean, this is scary, man. I might have to get married.

I mean, this place is great. It's totally private.

I mean, this rules. We've got a keg, and soon everybody's gonna be here.

I mean, who knows, it might even be you.

I mean, you can get away with about anything there.

I missed the first episode.

I never heard of this car.

I remember, 'cause you said not to say anything in front of Eric.

I said that you're both morons.

I said, pipe down!

I see that every day.

I see you've got some new steins here.

I should've broken up with her when I had the chance.

I still don't understand why Donna has to take this pill.

I stole my dad's tap...

I suppose.

I tell you, the last time I was that close to a Japanese machine...

I think God would want us to go to Milwaukee.

I think he knows.

I think we should break up.

I told them not to.

I trespassed, I had stolen beer...

I want to show you something.

I want you so bad.

I want you to.

I want you.

I was just...

I wish Jackie would've thought about going on the pill.

I, too, must go to the bathroom. Eric?

I...

I'll be right back.

I'll be waiting.

I'll explain later.

I'll go with three spades.

I'll have to wear flats, I'll gain weight, I'll be too fat to cheer.

I'll spare you the intimate details...

I'm a sophomore.

I'm breaking up with you.

I'm gonna be responsible. I mean, I have to. I'm going to be a father.

I'm gonna call it a day.

I'm gonna go with whatever you say. It's your decision.

I'm gonna pray for you, Eric.

I'm grounding him for 10 years.

I'm her father. You should've told me, Midge.

I'm high on believing

I'm hooked on a feeling

I'm married. I'm kind of through looking.

I'm not going to be drinking the beer or anything.

I'm not gonna let you be stupid about this.

I'm not pregnant.

I'm not pregnant.

I'm okay with it.

I'm pregnant.

I'm sure you'll come through with flying colors.

I'm telling you, guys, I think it's time I break up with her.

I'm telling you, we're out of gas.

I'm willing to take that risk.

I've got an idea!

If he can't drop his own mother off at work, then I'll be damned if he's getting a car!

If I didn't know better, I'd say they were having a kegger.

If I find one beer can in that car, it's over.

If I get a cramp, it will be on your head.

If my dad catches me copping beers, he'll kill me.

If we each drink three beers a piece...

If you don't, I will.

If you say so, Eric.

In 10 minutes, there will be no more beer opportunities.

In his daughter Donna.

In the nude.

Is everybody good? I know. I know. Vienna sausages are so versatile.

Is it you?

Is Opie getting angry?

Is pregnant.

Is she sick?

Is willing to engage in criminal acts for that saucy redhead next door.

It doesn't matter.

It happened to us.

It is a keg.

It is my decision.

It is you, isn't it?

It looks like the big one. Come watch.

It must be a sign.

It was a beer in the headlights.

It was shooting at me.

It wasn't broken until you broke it.

It'll rust in the driveway before I trade it in.

It's a nice neighborhood.

It's either that or none of us go.

It's for your own good, son.

It's gonna be great.

It's got a fiberglass air cooled engine, and it runs on water.

It's important to me

It's incredibly groovy, Mrs. Pinciotti.

It's just not worth it. Just wait, Eric. This could so easily happen to you.

It's no big deal.

It's really the experience of college that's important.

It's so darn cute.

It's the poor, rugged one, played by the very talented Nick Nolte...

Jackie, I didn't do it to be popular.

Jackie, I don't want to tell him.

Jackie, I guess you're going to the concert with us.

Jackie, I mean...

Jackie, I went on the pill.

Jackie, it's all right. We'll get through this.

Jackie, parents talk to each other about how we screw up.

Jackie, when this ERA passes, I'm gonna be able to do whatever I want.

Jackie, will you just mellow out?

Jackie, you're a sophomore. How can you be so stupid?

Jackie! Door! Knock!

Jackie?

Jackie's good for gas money.

Just came down to do an emergency presoak...

Just has the hat.

Keep your eyes peeled for that Vista Cruiser.

Kelshmo. Whatcha got there?

Kelso, how much longer...

Kelso, tell her.

Kelso? Please, I'm saucier than Kelso.

Kelso's saucy.

Kevin?

Kids. What are you gonna do? I say we torture them...

Kitty, I love what you've done with the kitchen.

Kitty, is that your Toyota in the drive?

Kitty, what do you look for in a man?

Kitty, what happened to the mail?

Kitty, where are you?

Kitty, you can always look. It helps you to fantasize.

Kitty.

Laurie, I sure have noticed you hanging around the mailbox a lot.

Laurie's friend got pregnant in a car. Don't let that happen.

Lay off him, all right? He feels bad enough already.

Let me tell you, they need all the practice they can get.

Let's do daiquiris.

Let's focus on what's important here, people.

Let's go, Bob.

Let's go.

Let's just leave these two kids alone.

Let's roll.

Let's try that next time.

Life is good...

Like, there's this guy who invented this car that runs on water, man.

Like. Some nights, I'm doing the news with Walter Cronkite.

Listen to them up there. The party has reached critical mass.

Look, I just need all the food I can get right now.

Look, I need to talk to someone. I can really use a friend right now.

Look, I would have...

Look, I've always been able to trust you and you're such a nice guy.

Look, I've ditched class before.

Look, Michael, this whole experience has opened my eyes...

Look, say there's a party, see. And all of our parents are there. Together.

Look, they got Pina Colada in a can.

Look, they left the house in a wood paneled ocean liner.

Loves his family and has never cheated on his tax return.

Mail's here.

Make you change for me

Man, she has been acting so weird lately.

Man, that Donna's real hot.

Man.

Marcia, a football in the face.

May I please have her phone number?

Maybe Andrew Jackson could remind me.

Maybe.

Meet Bob.

Michael, how are we gonna make $200?

Michael, I am so glad you don't wanna break up.

Michael, I'm talking to you. Michael!

Michael, this is our secret make out place.

Michael, who is this guy?

Michael.

Michael. Don't tell our private conversations to other people.

Michael...

Midge!

Midge?

Might?

Minute you turn your back, they go at it like dogs.

Mom?

Mommy. What are you guys doing in here?

Morons.

Mr. Pinciotti.

My dad doesn't have a tap.

My dad is thinking of giving me the Vista Cruiser.

My dad's gonna kill me.

My friend.

My God, Donna, having this child is gonna ruin my whole life.

My God, Eric. So your parents know I'm on the pill, too?

My God, I can forget about this whole ugly thing...

My God, that's so great. 'Cause you know what?

My God.

My God. Jackie, thank God.

My God...

My sister thinks that we shouldn't be left alone.

Needle, meet haystack.

Night.

No, Bob, I, got a good deal on it.

No, Eric, we're not going to take your gas money.

No, Fez.

No, forget it. I've done enough today already.

No, get away from me!

No, he's at The Hub. Watch the door.

No, I can prove it you. I got my IDs out in the wallet.

No, I saw it, too, I just didn't say anything.

No, I'm not.

No, I'm serious, man.

No, it doesn't work that way with guys.

No, it's a Boy Scout belt. The buckle's got a thing you...

No, it's a car.

No, it's not.

No, it's not.

No, look, I do bad things.

No, Michael, you are... Michael, come back here!

No, you wouldn't. Yeah, you're right, I wouldn't.

No!

No! I cannot tell Michael.

No.

No.

No.

No.

No.

No.

No. Michael, before you speak, please hear my words.

Nope, I haven't sold a keg all day, but a young guy did come in for a tap.

Not a thing to do

Not a thing to do

Not a thing to do

Not here.

Not just Eric.

Not just married. Married to Jackie.

Not to mention the fact you'll have a baby to take care of.

Nothing.

Nothing.

Nothing.

Now that Donna's on the pill...

Now, coming up in the second half hour of American Bandstand:

Now, I've got an announcement before study hall.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm next.

Now, Kitty, I'm sure she's just home...

Now, right?

Now, that reminds me, always make sure your nails are trimmed and clean.

Now, you take her home and you wait for me. That's an order.

Of becoming a Dallas Cowboy cheerleader.

Of beer.

Of beer.

Of course I support the Wolverines.

Of course, Jackie. I mean, Jackie's gone. But who else?

Of course.

Offered me a lousy $400 trade in on the Vista Cruiser.

Oh, jeez!

Oil changes, road flares, fluids, that's your job.

Okay, bye.

Okay, cleanliness.

Okay, Eric. You know what? Dad likes me and he doesn't like you.

Okay, grab some ice out of the deep freeze, I'll grab the tub.

Okay, have fun.

Okay, I'm just...

Okay, I've got my gas money.

Okay, man.

Okay, now, let's talk about birth control.

Okay, quiet down, everybody.

Okay, take two. There's plenty. There's plenty coming.

Okay, then. Good luck with that.

Okay, we really need a tap here.

Okay, who dealt?

Okay, you know they're building a Kmart on Franklin.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay. Enough daiquiris for you.

Okay. Excuse me.

Okay. Pigs in a blanket. Hot. Hot.

Okey dokey.

On a happier note...

On my nurses' uniform.

On your way to the basement, could you pop these in the fridge?

One more thing. Very important. About the car.

One more thing. Very important. About the car.

Only above your lip.

Only once in a while.

Only, you put water in the gas tank instead of gas.

Open for business.

Opie, look out for that keg in the middle of the road!

Or possibly free?

Ortho novum.

Ortho what? Ortho novum.

Out of ice? I think it might melt.

Out of town.

Over at our secret make out place.

Personally, I'm very proud to have a daughter...

Pinciotti, Donna.

Pipe down.

Pop, I'll take the cruiser off your hands. I don't care if it's a pump sucker.

Pretty much everybody.

Put it behind me, and never ever...

Put them away, son.

Really?

Really?

Really? No.

Really? Yeah, but he was in the Navy.

Really.

Red Forman is a cocktail dad.

Red, a Toyota?

Red, you are giving him the wrong idea about sex.

Red's got bicentennial swizzle sticks.

Remember the night we listened to it? We can have fun at the concert, too.

Rich Man, Poor Man, I love it.

Rich Man, Poor Man.

Right, that's why Donna left with all the plastic cups.

Right?

Sanford thinks he's having a heart attack.

Say, hey there, Donna. Hey, Dad.

Say, isn't it great all our kids are such good friends?

She had one night of fun and now her whole life is out of control.

She takes the pill so that she can have all the sex she wants...

She's cutting into my free time.

She's old, so no trips out of town.

She's open for business.

She's what medical professionals call:

Shields and Yarnell, Elton John and Kiki Dee...

Show off the house at $2 a head.

Shut up.

Shut up.

Shut up.

Shut up. How do you know he's not doing it to impress his friends?

Since I've been cut back to part time at the plant...

Sir.

Snicklefritz.

So do I.

So I guess they'll be gone for a while.

So is Red still thinking about giving you the car maybe?

So it is a boat.

So that averages out to 1.5 beers per person...

So that you could have a party.

So that's permanent?

So what, you want a battery? 'Cause I can get you a battery.

So when were you a Boy Scout?

So where you going?

So you see what I'm saying about the poor man?

So, a real wisenheimer, huh?

So, Donna, tell me more about this pill.

So, Eric, can I talk to you? Alone.

So, Eric, how do you like Bob's new hair? Isn't it groovy?

So, I've been thinking about it...

So, if you guys find a place for that keg, let me know.

So, is it true?

So, Michael, you wanna go back to my house...

So, Michael, you wanna go back to my house...

So, what's one more thing?

So, what's the deal with the Vista Cruiser?

So. Do you get it, Bob?

So...

Someday your looks will be gone

Somehow the accordion part bothers me more...

Sometimes Bob pretends he's poor. I call him Buster.

Sometimes, in the heat of the moment, things happen.

Sorry I was late. We were at The Hub.

Sorry.

Sorry.

Sorry. I didn't know you'd be doing anything so embarrassing.

Sounds good.

Speaking of kids...

Speaking of. Laurie, I could've sworn I saw...

Stupid.

Stupid.

Stupid.

Super. Now, who would like a drink?

Sure, throw that in my face again.

Sure. Cool.

Sure. Pictures for Forman.

Than the nude part.

Thank you for telling me, Michael.

Thank you, Donna.

Thank you, Pop.

Thank you, sir.

Thanks, Mom.

That could kill you.

That is my first American joke.

That is not gonna happen to Donna.

That is one sweet mama.

That kid's on dope.

That says you don't need music...

That was awesome.

That was the best thing I ever did. Just wait 'til you get to college.

That you know you are free

That you'd give up a week of whoring around Fort Lauderdale?

That's a little pricey for cough medicine.

That's a really sweet deal, my friend, but how about this?

That's a Sylvania, isn't it, Red?

That's Fez. He's a foreign exchange student.

That's freaking terrifying.

That's it, I'm cutting class every day!

That's kind of like a pusy bath oil bead under your skin.

That's real easy for you to say, pal!

That's real nice. Why don't you grow up?

The deal is, there is no deal yet.

The deck is new...

The fact is that the tap is broken and it's your fault.

The kids are making a volcano.

The kids are off. I wonder where they're going.

The night Chicago died

The oil companies control everything.

The same old thing

The same old thing

The same old thing

The sun goes down, the rats come out.

The tub.

The whole pregnancy thing is just so scary and overwhelming.

Then I had to drive everyone home, then Kelso says...

Then I'll drop you off on my way to the plant.

Then the door burst open wide

There is no gas shortage, man. It's all fake.

There will be no football practice today until we've reseeded.

They said something about a vacant house on Sherman.

They'll sell you beer.

They're so darn cute.

They're warm.

Things don't just drop into your lap, Eric. Not in this life.

This is fun.

This is great. Eric Forman skips class.

This is Mr. Lou Rawls.

This is the proudest day of my life.

This isn't working.

This suit is for leisure.

This whole gas shortage bites.

Those kids could be anywhere.

Throw a party.

To spend time with us and Eric.

Todd Rundgren.

Trying on cologne for Donna? That is so darn cute.

Understood?

Us?

Very gratifying.

Wasn't it lucky Triple A pulled Eric's butt out of the fire...

Watch it, Eric!