Archer - Season 4 Edit

Aah! Ow!

Absolutely ruined, because of you. I said I was sorry, Mother.

According to his, um, wife.

Ah, getting some mileage out of that, huh?

Ahh! Oh, my God. Aww. Sorry.

Also known as a fugue state...

Alter ego of She Hulk, what?

An ice machine, totally, yes. KGB agents.

And What, this?

And how do you suggest we do that? Well, some people use baby powder.

And how's my lady love? Infinitely better now.

And I'm looking you way, Dr. Simon.

And if Archer's real identity is exposed to him too suddenly...

And KGB agents are trying to kill me. Me too.

And please, focus.

And prepare to die, Sterling Archer.

And thanks. I just need to rest a minute.

And then explain to me if you know where Sterling is

And we all know what caused that. Yes, his hatred of seeing me happy.

And were you speaking Russian?!

And you are also fired.

And you're not really supposed to be back here.

And, follow up, why did you also rip off my bikini top?

And, uh, speaking of drinks... These aren't to drink, dumb ass.

And/or an explanation of why that's...

Anyway, I'm just burned out.

Arch Bob! What, Jennifer Walters?

Arch Bob! What?

Are you out of your mind? Damn near.

As the damsel in distress? Have you ever met a woman less damsel y?

Aw, why, is your vagina bothering you? Okay. I see what you're doing.

Aw. Ew.

Aw. General manager? Of the spa?

Bad idea. According to my clinical research on drug induced amnesia

Barry, are we losing our minds?

Because even though I can see Archer's every fricking move...

Because I'm paralyzed from the waist down and it's Archer's fault.

Because that's what Dr. Benes and Dr. Hathaway kept saying.

Because the other 18 hours, I'm slaving over this hot ass grill.

Because those guys are the real KGB!

Because, unfortunately, we were trying to cure your

Between work and being a stepdad to Gene and Louise and, uh, you know...

Bob, have you ever heard of ISIS? From the Shazam/Isis Hour TV show?

Bob, honey, I need you to get down!

Bob! Oh, my God, are you guys okay?

Bu h bu h bu h bu p bu p bu p bu p bu p.

Burger Bob. Bob. Bob. Burger, burger.

Burn.

Burn.

But do you remember why you ran away from home this time?

But I have to warn you, it could be dangerous.

But I warned you.

But I'm a firm believer in corn starch. Not the gimp suit.

But mostly mortified that he ruined our wedding.

But, so, where is he now? At a spa.

But, uh We don't want money

Cocktail Molotov!

Code Zulu? She knows better than that.

Could be, Other Barry, could be.

Damn it, Krieger, did you drug me? You don't remember?

Damn it, they're gonna flank us. So you wanna throw that today?

Damn it. I have to pay for these rooms.

Did you see that? Yes.

Do svidaniya, Archer

Do you think that's wise?

Don't even think about screwing up our plan to cure Sterling's amnesia.

Don't get me wrong, I love you guys, but come on...

Don't move a muscles, Ameriketskis.

Drive, shit heel.

Duh. Okay, the first thing we need to do is search the entire spa for

Duly noted and disregarded. And I expect you to be totally convincing.

Eh, probably just a coincidence. Really? You're going with coincidence.

Enough with the gimp suits!

Especially now that the door's locked

Even if you have a...

Even if you kill us, more will come, Archer.

Ew. Ew.

Ew. That is a lot creamier than I remembered.

Fake bullets!

Fine, awful, whatever, great

Flopping? Okay, first of all Oh, my God, what's happening?

For the Sour mix? In a margarita? What is this, Auschwitz?

For the last time, assholes.

For you, Lana, I will take the highway right into the danger zo

Forget I said that. It's dangerous, and you're married.

Free rooms. Because the only thing you are more than mean is cheap.

From a wedding

Geez, what's up your butt? Nothing is up my butt, Cyril.

Gimp suit!' U n less ...

Give it time.

Gracias, Julio, you are the man.

Great. Just buy us some time, so...

Guys. Fake mustache, yay or nay? Yay.

Hamilton Beach 727 DrinkMaster.

Happiest day of my life. Wait, wasn't that the day I was born?

He wandered in there in full morning dress two months ago, they got married

Heh. And, wait, how are they a superpower?

Here, hold this. I don't wanna hold the damn...

Here, keep throwing them.

Hey.

Hi

Hi, I'm Bob. Lana Kane.

His what?

His what?

Hiya, gang. Oh, Ron. Thank you for coming so quickly.

Hmm, and what are your parents' names? What?

How about a bullet? Burn.

How could he not know who he is? Psychogenic retrograde amnesia.

How do you not remember that show?

I always do.

I am Bob and I make burgers.

I bet, now that you found Sterling. She was just worried sick about you.

I carjacked a limo.

I didn't know it was such a burden. Of course it's a burden, Lin.

I do not, have She Hulk, then, whatever, they're

I don't know. He called me Archer, maybe they think I'm somebody else.

I should have started that with "Archer's fine."

I speak Russian?

I, uh... We haven't, um Yes, we have, Lana

I'm a fry cook but I know all about guns?

I'm a grown man, Lana, I didn't run away from home.

I'm also probably gonna do a spa weekend.

I'm glad I could help. Uh, I could use more help.

I'm gonna make Molotov cocktails. Not with Irish cream.

I'm kidding, Julio, you're not fired. In fact, I'm making you the new GM.

I'm not gonna hit you.

I'm off to get a seaweed wrap. Didn't know they made sushi with dried clams.

I'm serious. I want it on record that I think this is a terrible plan.

I'm sorry, I'm sure I misheard you.

I'm sorry? We are not robbers.

I've been on the run I mean, on the go, and

I've been under a lot of stress. I'm not *******.

Inappropriate. Suppressing fire!

Internal power struggle? Damn it. Ray.

Is everything ? Everything's fine.

ISIS is the International Secret Intelligence Service...

It feels like my brain's exploding

It's not déja vu, you idiot.

It's the only thing that gets me out of bed.

Jesus, Mary and Joseph Stalin.

Just because you own this place I think I own the conglomerate...

Just throw the damn thing!

KGB agents, 12 o'clock. What?

KREGER'. Remember, ease him into it. Like a MALORY'.

Krieger, I'm really having second thoughts about your so called plan.

Krieger, we need suppressing fire.

Krieger, what's happening? His mind brain is permanently rejecting...

Like a big brown giraffe

Like her. She's totally checking me out.

Linda, you heard him. Whoever they are, he said they'd keep coming.

Linda? Linda.

Look, the Hambledurger wasn't a big seller, so there's not much.

Look, the label in his coat has those idiot Russian letters.

Man, if I was you I'd be at this spa 25/8.

Married? The minute they met?

Michael Gray was Billy Batson on Shazam!

Mind brain? That's a thing, shut up

Mo, seriously, I'm like Chuck Norris masque.

Multinational Hotels Incorporated?

My face isn't a naturally villainous like yours, so...

My name is Shazam!

No buts, Lin. I'm not gonna let you guys get hurt.

No, dipshit, of the entire hotel chain.

No, I mean, the KGB found you at a burger joint..

No, no, you don't know my Why do you know the KGB guy's name?

No, now I feel bad for setting your bikini on fire.

No, the God, remember Shazam?

No, why do I know that we've done this before?

Normally, I would agree, but after talking to the wife...

Not even the best agent at this pool.

Not so much. My God.

Now take me to that spa. And we'll just see how this amnesia holds up...

Now would you please go in the goddamn back?

Oh, and plus I'm a total badass at hand to hand combat?

Oh, and sorry about the Auschwitz crack.

Oh, for If I'm KGB, why is the KGB shooting at me?

Oh, give it a rest, lronsides. Burn.

Oh, I get it. You're not into guys.

Oh, I guess I don't own this place.

Oh, my God, double duh, right? Huh?

Oh, my God, it's all coming back to me now

Oh, my God, you're KGB.

Oh, my God. Okay, yes, you can rub them..

Oh, my God. Yeah, wow, it's pretty thick.

Oh, no, capitalist spy get drop on us.

Oh, or maybe there is. I wouldn't know.

Oh, shut up.

Oh. And I also forgot to tell you guys, the health inspector's coming at 8 a.m...

Oh. Duh!

Oh. Well, then, what do you want? You.

Okay, he's gone.

Okay, hit me.

Okay, I have had it. Well, not with j'accuse cumbers.

Okay, KGB agents, I want you to reach into your jackets very slowly and

Okay, kids, who wants Manning Coleslaw?

Okay. So just because I don't wanna bang you, automatically I'm a lesbian?

Ooh! Here's an idea, why don't you just saw your goddamn head off?

Ooh. Or an ostrich.

Ow!

Ow! What's in there? Spa buckles?

Pam. And it's not you I'm worried about. It's our pathetic villains.

Phrasing. First. Boom!

Plant. Plan.

Psychogenic retrograde amnesia. Duh!

Ray, we are Code Zulu.

Ray! Ray! What the hell is that sound?

Remember those guys? They were working with you guys on my new spaceship...

Remember, he'd go, "Shazam!"

Remember, you have to pretend you don't have a history together.

Remind me why I let you idiots come.

Right? And I am tripping bear balls.

Right? So why are you on the run?

Ruined.

Russian spies who think my name is Archer are trying to kill me?

Said the fake scientist.

See, we put the bottle in the Whatever, the boob cups, and Aah!

Seriously, how are we both at Oh! I think I see a KGB agent. Kiss me!

Shut up. Sorry.

Shut up. Yes, shut up.

Slingshot.

So I have a question

So take care, I'll call after I solve this mystery or whatever.

So try against all odds not to cock it up.

So where are we on the fricking spaceship to get me home?

So, uh, what's the plan here? I don't have a plan.

So, yeah, wow, maybe I'm not as good as I thought.

Somebody who gambles? When would I gamble, Linda?

Son of a bitch. Your words.

Sorry, guys, we're, uh...

Sorry, I don't know what's happening, this is all crazy.

Sorry, I'm trying, it's just, TEC 9's are awesome.

Speaking of, you see the bulge on that towel boy?

Specifically these two.

Sterling has been missing for two months...

Sterling's amnesia! Oh. Yes, I have a plant.

Such a fragile mystery. Krieger, one more word...

Take the kids in the back. Kids, go in the back with your mom.

Technically the whole tri state area.

Tequila, Cointreau, lime juice, ice, kosher salt.

That baby will pass anything on the road, except a gas station.

That little son of a He's obviously doing this just to get even with me.

That was weird, and also not a real kiss, and also never happening again.

That's not like me.

The hatred. Yes, Pam. The hatred.

The KGB hit squad. Oh, my God.

The six hours a night I get to sleep?

Their names are... Um... Ah...

There goes the frying pan theory.

They don't know that. Duh!

Think it's the mustache? It's not helping.

This is fake, I just wear it to fend off the cougars.

This isn't The Flintstones, we can't whang him in the head with a frying pan.

This shit is el chronico.

This spy stuff is awesome, and I bet I'd be totally awesome at it...

Throwing bottle bombs, your tits flopping around...

Ugh. Now damsel up and get over there.

Uh I think that works

Uh, Linda. She said his name was Bob.

Uh, well... Uh uh uh. Let me stop you there...

Um, uh, wow.

Unfortunately? What's unfortunate is you got me into a fire fight...

Wait, how did I know these are called TEC 9's? Uh, well...

Wait, I wonder if it's related to your thing.

Wait, so you remember you had amnesia?

Wait, wait a minute.

Wait, who's the actor that played Billy Batson?

Wait, why are you at the same spa as me? I... Uh... Uh...

Wait, yeah, how did they do that?

Wait. You're on the run too? No, I

Was I? But I don't even know any Russian.

Was. According to our intel, Archer was tracked down by a KGB hit squad.

We Yeah, we're But, Bob...

We have to ease him back into it, like a latex gimp suit.

We want you.

We're closed, Bob Linda!

We're shooting blanks

Well, all's well that ends well.

Well, excuse me, Ike Turner. Jeez

Well, however you pronounce it

Well, if that's the way you What are you doing, you're not leaving?

Well, in a Cadillac, you don't have to sacrifice speed for luxury.

Well, join a support group. For who, crippled gay hillbilly spies?

Well, neither are you, so To reiterate, I am paralyzed.

Well, not sick. How the heck are you, son?

What do they want? Hambledurgers.

What I am gonna do, is find out who this Archer jerk is...

What part of this are you not getting? Core concept.

What the hell is your problem?

What the shit, Lana? Archer? Wait, are you you?

What was that? I can't hear you over the sound of:

What, as opposed to the fake KGB? Actually, yes, and also

What, is it weird because we kissed?

What?

What? I'm sorry...

What? No!

What? Oh, my God.

What? Right here, take your best shot.

When there's a huge stack of bar towels right freaking there!

Where is the limo going? I guess wherever Mr. Archer said to.

Who did you think I was? You, unfortunately

Who does that? Ostriches.

Whoa, I am getting some major déja vu here.

Whoo!

Whoo! Another one!

Why are Russians trying to kill you?

Why did you rip off my shirt? To make the fuses. Duh!

Why do I feel like..

Why do we have fake bullets? Yeah, Krieger. Why do we?

Will you...? Bob!

Wow, memory is such a fragile thing.

Yeah, but then I wouldn't get to hang out with everybody at work.

Yeah, I don't think it does, though. Uh, no shit.

Yeah, it works, right?

Yeah, she's laying it on pretty thick. Well, you're in charge here.

Yes, down to the store for cheese. For the Emile Gorgonzola Burger.

Yes, I'm me, you dumb idiot.

Yes, Lana, I'm going with coincidence

Yes, well, that and your Hulk hands.

Yes. No. I mean, uh, please feel free to always do that.

You guys aren't safe if I'm around. But, Bobby

You hate everybody at work. I know

You hypocrite cooze, I just watched you eat a whole bag of LSD gummy bears.

You know another kind of burger? Ostrich. Shut up, they're good.

You know... There's a niche. All right, you two, you're on.

You think that compares to a dream wedding to Ron Cadillac...

You're my wife. Linda. And I'm Bob.

Code Zulu is only for real emergencies. Ray! Ray!

Did I ask for your life story? Excuse me, is this seat taken?

Drop your weapons. Oh, shit.

Ha. Did you say "Gay GB"? Aw.

I think you literally broke my heart. Aw.

Ugh. Because... Buh buh bup bup!

Um... I was gonna say a hairnet. Bob?

Well? Well, what?

What in the...? Is that smoke? Duh!

What was that? The real KGB is here.

Will you shut up? Sorry.

...against a sudden and quite possibly violent confrontation with his mother.

...and I murdered them?

...and I'll make you wish they never sc****d you out of Hitler's drawers.

...and I'm one of Well, frankly, I'm their best agent.

...and then they found you here? How did they do that?

...and why Russian people want him dead.

...apparently it's impossible to kill that idiot from fricking space.

...but all of my companies have a zero tolerance drug policy.

...but just please don't hurt my family. He means we're not robbers.

...closed, yeah. Thanks for getting the sign for me because we are closed.

...funny.

...he's just down at the shore flipping hamburgers?

...his mind may reject it permanently.

...his real identity.

...I honestly think Archer doesn't know he's Archer.

...I've been here two months, it feels like two trillion eons.

...in case you were about to say there has been a setback.

...searching for him, and this whole time...

...so is ISIS hiring, or...? No.

...so you, uh, better break out the purple stuff.

...sometimes triggered by extreme emotional or psychological stress.

...that owns the holding company that owns the hotel chain.

...the biggest Cadillac dealer in New York?

...we've spent God knows how many thousands of dollars and man hours...

...when you didn't even know who you were...

...where'd you learn to do that? I don't know. It was like instinct.

...with the KGB armed with a fricking cap gun.

“YER.