How I Met Your Mother (2005) - Season 1 Edit

A beacon of hope for New York City's lovelorn.

A bro doesn't tell a mutual bro that a third bro has a crush on him.

A bunch of naked dudes hanging brain.

A Chinese restaurant.

A cocktail she invented herself.

A couple of days ago, the biggest problem in my life was,

A drum roll? That's it?

A friend of yours named you?

A little Barney.

A little girl?

A little part of me wants to just jump the bones of the next guy I see.

A little prank. I'm not in Dutchess County.

A little to the left, Marshall.

A little to the left, Marshall.

A lot of local teams in action tonight.

A lot,

A mix CD.

A prom? Can we go to that?

A rain dance.

A really hot... A hooker!

A really terrible idea, Just awful,

A slump is when you strike out every time you step up to the plate,

A squeeze bottle of marshmallow ice cream topping,

A storm,

A sword fight?

A tailor? Barney, I make negative $300 a week

A, it will make Robin insanely jealous.

A7.

About a month ago, I started getting insomnia.

About once a week.

About to call it an early night, when out of nowhere

Absolutely not.

Actually I kind of was.

Actually, don't use the minibar.

Actually, I can't even get myself in. I was such a dork.

Actually, I got through that okay.

Actually, I kind of need this hand to eat.

Actually, I was going to show you my breasts,

Actually, I was talking to my martini.

Actually, I'm at Robin's.

Actually, it kind of does.

Actually, it kind of does.

Actually, it's mostly me, but you're getting some of the splash.

Actually, neither.

Actually...

After law school, I'm still gonna work for the NRDC.

After Shannon and I talked, I nailed her.

Again?

Ah! Happy birthday, Ted.

Aliens?

All done.

All finished, gentlemen?

All I have to do is input the variables, run the algorithm,

All noisy and sweaty with the...

All right, and party number one, that's where we get to meet Marybeth?

All right, bring the mockery. Fine. I can take it.

All right, cool kids are leaving now.

All right, Eriksen, I've got some good news.

All right, fine. Set it up.

All right, here's what you do.

All right, I've been thinking a lot about this, and...

All right, Marshall.

All right, our next guest is another friend...

All right, Polly gotta pee.

All right, right over here.

All right, sheet music's on the way.

All right, so, Barney, are you doing this or what?

All right, stay there. I'm on my way.

All right, Ted, call me from the hospital.

All right, Tin Man. Let's hit it.

All right, well, have fun at your little disco, guys.

All right, what do you think?

All right, what does VIP stand for in your little universe?

All right, what kind of prize are we talking about?

All right, you've clearly had a rough night.

All right! Guess I'm in.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right. All right.

All right. Hook up strategy:

All right. I'm cutting you off. Go home and get some sleep, Ted.

All set.

All talking and no sex. Kill me now.

All those things happened after 2:00 a.m.

All you have to do is be that confident with every girl you meet

ALL: Kiss! Kiss!

ALL: Something went terribly wrong.

ALL: What?

ALL: Wow.

Also see, Ted up.

Also, Lily's coffee maker doesn't, you know, shock people.

Although this transvestite hooker said he/she would do you for half price

Although, pickings are pretty slim tonight.

Altrucel was most well known for making the yellow fuzzy stuff

Always dressing up in crazy costumes?

Am I wrong saying that?

Am I? No, I'm not.

An accident?

An eight, an eight, and a seven.

And "Let's spend the rest of our lives together."

And a great reporter. You should be on 60 Minutes,

And a Montecristo No. 2. Thanks.

And a pineapple,

And a pineapple! Am I the only one who's curious about the pineapple?

And a string of one night stands.

And a truck carrying sulfuric acid overturned right in front of Robin's house.

And acting stupid and goofy and sweet and insane, but not me.

And all four are totally naked. You gotta choose one.

And all it cost was half my Christmas bonus,

And all of those nice things,

And all you're left with the next day is a bad hangover, a sprained ankle

And as far as your lesbian experience...

And bimbos, and booze. Round and round it goes.

And bring it out here, like, now.

And Butterfield's going to be knee deep in angry white mice.

And by the end of it...

And C, maybe by getting to know Mary,

And change a flat on Marshall's Fiero?

And come Saturday, little music, little dancing, a lot of champagne.

And compatibility.

And consume this coffee table,

And D, B all night long.

And damn it, I'm gonna get some more cake.

And do some awesome air kicks while you still could?

And don't feel bad. I've woken up with worse.

And dressing up as naked people.

And even if I did, on principle tip jars have become so...

And even if you're not, don't worry. I'll have a good time either way.

And even though it's been decades, and someone else lives there now,

And ever since then, she's been signing him up for book clubs,

And every morning, he orders a sandwich from the deli downstairs.

And every year, you're just getting older and it's getting harder and harder.

And FYI, Shannon and I have decided to wait till we're married.

And get this. She's a marine biologist.

And giving Manhattan one of its worst storms

And got a temporary crown put in,

And got the crazy eyes going. And I said,

And he hated every minute of it,

And he still hasn't noticed

And he thinks she's calling to dump him tonight,

And he's got this weak ass, thin, French moustache.

And here come the paramedics.

And here it is, eight months later, and nothing's changed.

And here's the most amazing part.

And here's your mail. Minus magazines.

And his hair was perfect.

And his weenie.

And his/her favorite movie was Say Anything...

And how many have you sent her?

And how much did you pay for your costumes?

And how she followed her dream to Germany,

And I am gonna throw up.

And I be an outlaw.

And I can forget all about it, and get married.

And I can't do any of that with a boyfriend shackled around my neck, you know?

And I do not drink with racists. Good day!

And I don't want my new husband to think I'm a crazy person.

And I felt terrible about it, so I came clean and we broke up.

And I have to pee.

And I haven't done any of them.

And I kissed a girl.

And I left the rest of it in the trash where it belongs.

And I need every negative penny of that for my wedding.

And I never figured out why.

And I rediscovered just how awesomely awesome my life is.

And I said something dumb.

And I should have a say in it.

And I spilled nail polish there. There's the stain!

And I strongly urge you to consider it as a career.

And I swear to God, even the baby looks bored.

And I thought that was the end of it, But then...

And I told him he could bring his date to the wedding.

And I want a band. And I want shoes.

And I was already on a date with another girl,

And I was gonna make some juice. And I was like,

And I was kind of hoping you'd save the date.

And I was wondering if you had...

And I was working at a coffeehouse with my girlfriend,

And I went to the wedding stag,

And I will go with you to Foxy Boxing.

And I will squeeze them so hard your eyes pop out,

And I wound up kissing this guy at a party one night

And I'd lose you as a friend?

And I'll call you from the cab...

And I'll tell you something, it feels pretty good.

And I'm exhausted.

And I'm freaking out, and you're my best friend,

And I'm never gonna see her again.

And I've really only ever been with one man.

And I've stumbled into the beginning of a very scary campfire story.

And if economic sanctions and trade restrictions aren't enforced,

And if going slow is what it takes to make this happen, I say, bring it on.

And if I pee all over it, it might go out forever!

And if it's not like that,

And if she thinks she can do 11.45% better, who am I to deny her that?

And if you feel confident that you could reel one into your boat

And if you got to know them, then you would see that.

And if you're such a bro, she's a part of who you are, too.

And it begins.

And it just seemed insane that you didn't know who I am now.

And it reminded me how great you are.

And it told the story of the year she spent

And it'll be perfect.

And it's 40% his wedding, too.

And it's actually working.

And it's awesome. Really, really awesome.

And it's cool. And I'm doing it.

And it's gonna keep on happening,

And it's melting through the sidewalk,

And it's much harder to deal with because, well, I don't get my nap.

And it's my dream job.

And it's not a good look for me!

And it's not so little Mu Tu can get his malaria pills.

And it's pissed.

And it's supposed to rain tonight.

And it's the size of a potato.

And just like that it's all okay. Roll credits.

And just soak up life and put it on a canvas,

And Kelly on 34th Street.

And knew it, I'd want that person to come down to my dermatology office

And like the majestic seahorse, it's hermaphroditic.

And long distance definitely isn't an option.

And look back and say, "Yep, that was a mistake."

And lurking just around the corner from those moments

And Marshall Eriksen as a gay pirate.

And me making the coffee, I had this coffee pot,

And my dad already paid for this huge wedding.

And never underestimate a 12 year old with a...

And no, we will not be attending any parties in your pants.

And none of it would've happened if I had just listened to my mom,

And nothing good ever happens after 2:00 a.m.

And now I'm actually thinking about it.

And now I'm e mailing said picture to him.

And now I'm really, really embarrassed.

And now she and Ted are upstairs.

And now the kids are just going crazy by the end of the day.

And now we're celebrating our anniversary stuck in a bathroom.

And now you're trying to make me jealous by waving Edward R. Moron in my face?

And now, I don't think I won't not go to the bathroom.

And now, you're gonna do it for free.

And of course I'm not in touch with her!

And one really sucky memory.

And over a million species will be wiped out.

And performed a drum solo?

And presto manifesto, you have a soul mate and it works!

And read the paper to you each morning.

And realize I need it and have to go all the way back to get it.

And reel in 10 chicks hotter than you.

And remember, if you ever ask the question, "What,"

And Robin Scherbatsky for "Pickles, the Singing Dog,"

And say to those girls, Daddy's home?

And second of all, you cannot do this. It's wrong on every level.

And second, she's not the girl of my dreams.

And shazam!

And she knows me as a hanging chad.

And she plays bass guitar like Kim Deal from the Pixies.

And she was kind of homely and strange Iooking.

And she was really self conscious about this little moustache she had.

And she's been throwing up ever since.

And she's looking to get married and have kids?

And she's picking up what I'm laying down.

And so, back in 2006,

And so, one fateful naptime...

And so, really, what's it gonna matter in 50 years if I jump the gun by one night?

And still have faith your pumpkin's gonna show up?

And still. It's still really awkward right now.

And Ted's gonna love them.

And tell me so. In that scenario, I'm not interfering,

And that is when the bouncer kicked us out.

And that is where we will ring, nay, rock in the new year.

And that meant gorilla lessons,

And that, in a nutshell, is why I'm not putting the moves on you.

And that, my friends, is why you don't get your money's worth

And that's enough. I've done my part, now get down here!

And that's it, Those are all my friends, Thank you,

And that's kind of scary.

And that's really noble.

And that's why she didn't give you her number.

And the answer is right here.

And the host said she knew you.

And the hot tub at my grandparents' retirement community.

And the night begins now. All right. Game face on

And the only person I wanted to see at the end of it was you.

And the only way I'm gonna find that someone is by going out

And the only way I'm gonna find that someone is by going out

And the school board took away my naptime...

And the streak continues. Vomit free since '93.

And the triumph of the human spirit,

And the winner is Robin Scherbatsky,

And the winners of this year's costume contest are

And then all of a sudden, you're 28,

And then Barney calls her up, and then she shows up at the bar,

And then followed it up with something good?

And then I had nobody.

And then I promised Lily that we'd stuff 200 wedding invitations.

And then I started thinking about Victoria

And then I'll feed them to you like g****s.

And then I'll just slip this in, and it won't seem so bad by comparison.

And then I'll move to Prague or start my own video game company or something.

And then it got... icky,

And then Lily told her the whole story,

And then narrow them down to one,

And then narrow them down to one,

And then she dumped me.

And then she's gonna make you some delicious juice!

And then suddenly, poof, spell's broken.

And then that leaves us with eight women.

And then the phone rings,

And then we brought you home and put you to bed.

And then when it's over, never see each other again.

And then you have to eliminate half for intelligence, sense of humor

And then you have to take out the ex girlfriends, and the relatives

And then you realize I don't fit into your life anymore,

And then you slip it to the guy with a discreet handshake,

And then, top off the package with a New York Times, ready?

And then, whatever she says, yes or no, that's it.

And then, when we're old and gray,

And there is no way you're getting married in that sarcastic quotation marks "suit."

And there was this barefoot dude with a weirdly sharp toenail...

And there you have it, kids,

And there's a string quartet,

And there's an open bar.

And they make life worth living,

And they mixed that cocktail, and they loved penguins.

And they're all, "Yo, Eriksen, let's roll to the strip clubs!"

And third, I've been placing small items in Sandy's hair all night,

And this is my closet.

And this mascot costume you stole cost $5,000.

And this time, you're actually gonna say yes.

And this.

And those guys are lame.

And three months becomes forever?

And throwing feces.

And to preface this, we're not gonna sleep together tonight.

And to score Hula Girl's number. Check and check.

And usually, they say, "Yes, it is."

And we both screwed up relationships in the past by jumping in too quick.

And we love you, drunk Ted!

And we only get one life.

And we only get one life.

And we really, really need to get out of here!

And we still don't have...

And we tell each other everything, So here it goes,

And we'll check in with you tomorrow, New York.

And we'll think of something stupid to do together.

And we're gonna have to stop coming here, which will suck,

And what be a pirate's

And what kind of wedding band would you be

And what will be sticking to that yacht?

And when Marshall told me not to marry you it made me realize I...

And where's it all heading? Nowhere.

And who shows up but Gabrielle.

And who was this girl in my bed?

And who's the girl in my bed?

And with today's interest rate climate,

And wondering what happened to her.

And yet still so sick it needs to be chopped off the next?

And yet, we'd feel obligated to have sex.

And you deserve a big package.

And you didn't tell Marshall.

And you didn't use an obvious alias on your application

And you don't even have to come out of the cake.

And you get so drunk you throw up, it'll be sad,

And you have a girlfriend. Go home, Ted.

And you know what game I really miss? Battleship. I've never lost a game.

And you know what he said?

And you know what? I actually feel closer to you now.

And you know what? That's okay.

And you know why?

And you know why? 'Cause I mean it to be.

And you know why? Because you're different.

And you know why? Because you're irrationally picky,

And you promise me that you will never, ever, ever tell

And you took them down to make room for your fiancée's stupid painting?

And you wound up losing both girls in one night.

And you'll give up your independence and you'll never live abroad

And you'll need new shoes. Don't worry. I know a guy.

And you'll see how totally not that lame they are.

And you'll wind up old before your time, wondering,

And you're wondering if I'd be upset.

And you've got "statutory" written all over your body.

And your mother. Calling me all the time...

And your slump's over.

And yours is 100% wool,

And yours went another, doesn't make your life any worse.

And, also, I texted you the same thing.

And, besides, we want completely different things.

And, by the way, I bought these glasses. Bought them at Ikea.

And, damn it, I've made no mistakes!

And, FYI, yes, I have three way calling.

And, guys, I haven't exactly told Victoria

And, hey, look, at least now we can stay in here as long as it takes.

And, if you do, what does that mean for us?

And, if you don't, it's no hard feelings, just, "Good night.

And, in fact, moved here to get away from.

And, it's not like I care so much about getting into the VIP room.

And, look, he's coming by soon to talk about it,

And, look, you can still travel. I mean, you can still paint.

And, oh, we can't forget those lesbians.

And, on top of that, I have to be homeless! Does that seem fair?

And, really, the next thing I remember is waking up the following morning,

And, so help me God, if I catch you

And, speaking of digging up dirt,

And, Ted, I could use your keen architectural eye on the invitations.

And, to be honest, there's a lot of Ionely nights in that job description.

And, two weeks later, it's not working out, I'm, like, the biggest jerk of all time.

And, two, you laugh every time you say the word "sack."

And, who knows, maybe we will wind up getting married someday,

And, yes.

And, you know, I'll see some super hot model chick and I'll think,

And, you know, if Ted likes her, she's probably pretty cool.

And... And we want different things. That's still there. That's not going away.

ANNOUNCER; Ladies and gentlemen,

Another care package?

Another living soul what transpired here tonight.

Another round, and back it up for me and Lily!

Any idea who...

Anyone ever tell you you should be on 60 Minutes?

Anything else?

Anything, bro.

Anyway, halfway through the semester, she just stopped talking to me,

Anyway, I got the care package and it's just great.

Anyway, Marshall managed to score an internship in their legal department

Anyway, now he has his girlfriend in Germany

Anyway, this girl, any idea who she was?

Apparently, she was wearing brown shoes

Appeared this girl in the sexiest pumpkin costume,

Apple picking. Can you just get up here?

Apple tart, excellent choice, Lilypad.

Arby's.

Are 75% more likely to have success in future relationships.

Are harshing my mellow.

Are opting to have non traditional weddings out in the woods.

Are we playing I Never, 'cause there's nothing left

Are you a vampire?

Are you coloring in your butt?

Are you finally gonna tell me exactly what your job is?

Are you guys okay?

Are you guys planning on punching some holes in that box?

Are you honestly trying to get me excited about fondue?

Are you kidding? Ted's never been here.

Are you kidding? You guys never talk about anything.

Are you sure?

Are you trying to get me to join a cult?

Aren't you even a little curious? The woman who set you up

Argyle.

As I rode home the next morning, the city looked the same,

As I walked away, I realized Shannon was an adult,

As long as I don't have to spend it with a bunch of phonies.

As on pitch as they were at Spring Fling '95,

As perfect,

Ask her about the cake.

At 2:43 in the morning.

At 2:45 a.m. You still have a girlfriend.

At a police auction. I just got a call from a guy down at the marina

At least someone appreciates the fact that I am doing and not thinking.

At least, I'm good at it.

At the Russell House Art Foundation here in San Francisco,

At the wedding, do not sleep with anyone even remotely related to me.

Aunt Kathy's got an itch that only you can scratch, big boy.

Austin and I spent Saturday night at the most charming

Awesome air kicks, huh?

Awesome! So awesome!

Awkward conversations with middle aged couples

B, you get to have sex with her.

Baby, I can't hold it in any longer! It's time!

Baby, I know that this will make things harder,

Baby, I'm giving you sexy smoldering with just a hint of crazy eyes.

Baby, it was a mouse. It had whiskers.

Baby, The 88 don't audition. They're like The Wiggles of wedding bands.

Baby, there's something I have to do. And if I do it in front of you,

Baby, they're only holding the date until Monday.

Baby, what are you talking about?

Baby, why don't you just go?

Baby, you go with them, and I'll meet you at party number three.

Back in 2005, she thought she was too cool for Halloween.

Back of Horse. Hey, where's Front of Horse?

Back to my place, Hansel.

Backgammon sucks.

Bad idea jeans.

Bad maps, creaky houses, hillbilly in a gorilla suit.

Bad move Scherbatsky.

Bam.

Band. Check.

Barnacle out.

Barney was still trying to prove that good things can happen after 2.00 a.m.

Barney,

Barney, Barney, what the hell! Barney, it's not worth it. Let it go.

Barney, how do I get these idiots to leave me alone?

Barney, I don't like Ted. He's moved on and I'm really happy for...

Barney, I'm not bringing a date even if I wanted to.

Barney, is that true?

Barney, that was really embarrassing for both of us.

Barney, that's not my dad.

Barney, there is no way I am...

Barney, this is the third time you've hit on me by accident!

Barney, this says $4,000.

Barney, what was on that tape?

Barney, you tried. I think that's great. But we're going.

Barney, you've always taken care of me. You are a gentleman and a scholar!

BARNEY; And then she told me about her life,

BARNEY; Five weeks later, we were all set to leave for the Peace Corps,

BARNEY; I didn't go,

BARNEY; I went back to the coffeehouse to find Shannon,

BARNEY; It was 1998, I was just out of college,

BARNEY; Oh, no, it just takes a while to power down,

BARNEY: Name's Clark Butterfield.

BARNEY: Now focus. You and Marshall are roommates.

Barney!

Barney!

Barney?

Barney.

Based solely on one external characteristic?

Be free, mutant beast. I'll miss this private war of ours.

Beautiful, charming, intelligent, engaged.

Because after 2:00 a.m. Is when things get, audience, say it with me, legendary!

Because all of the stuff you're supposed to like, usually sucks.

Because deep down, you didn't want to show up at this thing with a date.

Because he knew someone who worked there,

Because he's pregnant. 'Cause he's the girl.

Because I look good.

Because I made it rain. That's what I did today.

Because I told her I had converted all my money to India dollars,

Because I want it to be fun and Marshall wants it to be lame.

Because I want to keep some of the mystery alive.

Because it was just me out there. I couldn't even stand playing doubles.

Because it's being chased by another moment.

Because now you're in.

Because that night was just beginning,

Because that's our song,

Because the beauty of a moment is that it's fleeting.

Because the decisions you make after 2.00 a.m. are the wrong decisions,

Because the only way to really know it's a mistake is to make the mistake,

Because then you'd go your whole life not really knowing

Because this whole thing was your idea. And Claudia scares me.

Because tonight, I am getting us all into Okay.

Because you have feelings for Ted.

Because you just haven't met the right Hansel yet.

Because you kind of look like John Cusack

Because you'd just pass right through her and feel really cold for a second.

Because you're acting like one of those guys,

Because you're expecting a call from your girlfriend in Germany

Because you're gonna bring your own date.

Because, italics, this night did not happen.

Because, we just hooked up last night. I can't call the girl the next day.

Behind a curtain, in a dark little room,

Being in a couple is hard and committing,

Believe it or not, I was not always as awesome as I am today.

Believe me, you'd know the moves.

Besides, if I go out, who's gonna watch the news?

Besides, if I go out, who's gonna watch the news?

Besides, she thinks I'm on my way to India.

Binoculars. Second pair, on my desk.

Bob Rorschach over here at Love Solutions.

Both fitting together like two pieces of a very attractive puzzle.

BOTH: Say what?

Boy, too bad.

Boyfriend.

Brace yourself, dude. This is gonna blow your mind hole.

Brain freeze.

Break a leg.

Break me off a piece of that white chocolate.

Broke my tooth!

Bummer. I was hoping to finally have sex with you this weekend, Scherbatsky.

Burn!

Busy as a bee, that little computer.

But actually it's Long John Silver's.

But after 2.00 a.m., my good sense was sound asleep,

But are you having second thoughts?

But back then I really thought that's how it worked,

But before I do, I just want to say something.

But before it even started...

But Derek should be coming by any minute to pick me up.

But do you really think you're gonna hang on to a girl that great

But even if you save every rainforest from being turned into a parking lot,

But eventually she graciously agreed to let me bring Robin,

But every year they have a Halloween party

But everything was about to change,

But Executive Mischief Consultant Marshall Eriksen reporting for duty.

But go ask my landlady, Mrs. Conroy.

But go on.

But he needed money for the wedding,

But here's the problem,

But here's the real kicker. Shannon's a mom.

But here's the real question, It's 2.00 a.m.

But hot dogs.

But how am I supposed to know if we're soul mates? It's too soon.

But how will you know it's me? I'm a master of disguise.

But how's she gonna feel in a couple of years

But I already invited someone.

But I am just a manifestation of your subconscious,

But I can't do this, you're a hooker.

But I can't sign off on it until I hear you play Good Feeling

But I checked plus one. I always check plus one.

But I couldn't be Gretel.

But I don't actually cry in front of people

But I don't know. I'm really into this girl.

But I don't think she is.

But I don't want to hide out in here.

But I guess I'm just a hopeless romantic.

But I have thought about it for three seconds, and it makes a lot of sense.

But I have to go to work, and you have that meeting.

But I just want someone who's not afraid to hold me at night,

But I love painting, and I've always wondered if I'm any good.

But I love you and I want to give it to you anyway.

But I met someone up on this roof four years ago

But I think I just found it.

But I think you should go on without me.

But I think, the whole time, a little part of me

But I will make it work. I promise.

But I would like to look like a beautiful princess.

But I would much rather share this small, one scoop sundae with you, Mike.

But I'll get to that later,

But I'm an architect. And you said I'm cute.

But I'm getting married and my fiancé wants to hire you guys as the band,

But I'm in.

But I'm never gonna go out with you.

But I'm not anymore.

But I'm not gonna get that, so...

But I'm off the roster, baby.

But I'm on my way over to Robin's right now.

But I'm Robin Scherbatsky. I'm a reporter for Channel 1.

But if it's the right person, then it's easy.

But if those guys try to pressure you to smoke, what do you say?

But if we do it tonight, it'll be less sad.

But if we're stuck in here, I'm turning up the volume.

But if you do this right now,

But if you get us the sheet music, we'll play your song.

But if you roll an even number while adjacent to the Peppermint Forest,

But if you're not interested, fine, I'm out 500 bucks. Whatever.

But if you're unhappy, it's not worth it.

But in 2005, I attempted to do the impossible;

But in reality, it's always just a big letdown,

But in the meantime, wish me luck.

But instead, I'm out in the world being awesome 24/7, 365.

But instead, what do I have?

But is there any chance that Carl is a vampire?

But it doesn't change anything.

But it had mouse like characteristics.

But it has to work!

But it seems as nice a spot as any to just, you know, sit and wait.

But it was delicious,

But it was never available, And then, suddenly, it was,

But it was Robin,

But it wasn't,

But it would really mean a lot to me if you guys came.

But it would've been nice to be asked.

But it wouldn't hurt to check her out, right?

But it's a mistake I have to make.

But it's dipping stuff in hot cheese with boring people.

But it's kind of the greatest thing in the world when you're a part of it.

But it's not like I'm going to do it. The dates conflict with the wedding.

But it's the greatest samurai who lets his sword rust in its scabbard.

But just know that this Victoria's Secret party is on a yacht.

But maybe that's how it had to happen. I mean, think about it.

But more on that later,

But mostly, they wanted the public to focus on the yellow fuzzy stuff,

But nobody remembers what the hell a hanging chad is.

But not about Marshall. About me.

But not so much so that her legs are, like, more muscular than mine.

But not tonight,

But now that it was really happening, it seemed kind of huge and scary,

But peach schnapps.

But people are wrong. It should be all rise, baby.

But right now, that's just not who I am. I'm not a commitment guy.

But sadly, for you, it's just a new middle.

But seriously, call me back.

But seriously, leave me a message, and we'll meet up later.

But seriously, what was up with the tape?

But she seems to make Ted happy.

But Ted's too busy being in a lesbian relationship.

But that blue sky isn't without at least one cloud.

But that doesn't mean I'm in love with the guy.

But that's getting ahead of the story,

But the fact is, whatever I do, it all keeps coming back to Robin.

But the geniuses at corporate decided they wanted to diversify,

But the important stuff doesn't change. To the important stuff.

But the important thing is that Marshall and I love each other, right?

But the Nicaraguans need us.

But the people I'm getting coffee for, their bosses are gonna save the world.

But then after that, I finish my coffee and I go to my real job as an architect,

But then I realized

But then reality came along,

But there are certain things in life where you know it's a mistake,

But there's no time to take two steps to the bedroom?

But there's no way in hell I'm telling you this one,

But there's one story I don't remember,

But there's still one big question that needs to be answered.

But they were all at recess,

But this girl, she wants the same stuff, and it's bumming me out.

But this is the one thing that never will.

But this isn't just some guy. This is Ted. He's amazing.

But this never seeing each other thing, it's a bitch.

But to be fair, she's also hot.

But Uncle Marshall swears it happened,

But unfortunately, the night did not end there.

But wait, 48% of those are already in relationships,

But wait. Knock, knock. Somebody's at the back door?

But we decided not to dress up.

But we didn't go away. We're in the bathroom.

But we want completely different things.

But what the bleep are you doing, dude?

But when he's ready to talk to me about it, he'll come and talk to me about it.

But when Marshall came out a few minutes later...

But when we said, "Hey, Moby," you said, "Yeah."

But when you just told me to stay, it made me realize that I have to go.

But why am I the only one?

But will you be happy,

But you chose one in a city 3,000 miles away,

But you did earn yourself the right to the end of mine.

But you don't really know it's a mistake,

But you enjoyed the e vite, right? That was an actual picture of my pants.

But you fought so bravely for it.

But you have a job here and a life. I'd have nothing there.

But you know what? It's gonna come out, because it's only chocolate and raspberry.

But you saw how stressed out she is.

But you're the guy..

But you're wired just fine.

But you've exaggerated it in your mind, you know, like the Loch Ness monster.

But you've got a huge package.

But your rice pilaf kicked my spinach in the crotch so hard,

But, also, you just sat down in the cake.

But, anyway, I'm blabbering. Way to make new friends, Lily.

But, Barney, they are so right.

But, by the end of it, you have no idea who you are anymore,

But, dudes, fake diamond ring?

But, God, you must have that son of a bitch memorized by now.

But, guys, I'm sorry, I'm gonna say it.

But, I know now, it's just a mirage.

But, man, when I find her

But, please, don't act like that around here.

But, still, what does this mean? Are we dating now?

But, sure, we can do hair.

But, wait. Knock, knock, back door.

But, well, considering, I'm just gonna say it.

But, yeah. Yeah, I can totally share. Yeah.

But, you always said the Foxy Boxing girls were neither foxy,

But, you know, I was drunk.

Buttercup Bakery!

Buttercup Bakery. This is it.

Butterfield is going to retaliate within the next four hours.

Buy him a giant teddy bear or something?

By any chance, was that you?

By behaving exactly like one of them.

By its very nature, it slips through our fingers.

By the side of a highway in Dutchess County?

By the way, honey, Ted stopped by

By the way, I almost forgot. We found this.

By the way, I should get you Nirvana's phone number.

Bye, babe.

Bye.

Bye. Why does Ted want to know if I like cats?

C'mon, let's go!

Cake?

Came to the local community college to give a lecture,

Can I count on you two to behave around Victoria?

Can we swing by the apartment so I can change?

Can you blame her? You called her a hooker.

Can you get me in there? I kind of need to kill him.

Can you get me in?

Can you promise me that that's not gonna happen?

Can you promise me that that's not gonna happen?

Can you promise me that that's not gonna happen?

Can't a brother go apple picking without getting the third degree? Damn!

Can't wait.

Candyland, I Never, Pictionary.

Carl, two more. All right, all right. What do we think of this one?

Carl?

Case in point...

Catch you on the flip, butt puppet.

Change your personality? That is so awful. And not at all motivational.

Changing some brat's poopy diapers,

Cheap Trick. Oh, Ted.

Check and check. She wants two kids, a boy and a girl.

Check out table number four.

Check out that guy.

Check them out, they're good. They're good.

Claire and Austin just invited us to their fondue fest

Claire's my age, and she and her husband do all this classy grown up stuff.

Clanging against the headboard,

Claudia called our 7 year old flower girl a whore.

Claudia is getting married tomorrow,

Claudia, I'm pretty sure I checked...

Claudia, it's all gonna be okay.

Claudia.

Clean this stuff up, Eriksen.

Close the window!

Close your eyes and count to five.

Clubs weren't even okay, Clubs sucked,

Coat wench, do not uncheck that man's jacket!

Coffee.

College educated, check. Plays tennis, check.

Come down here.

Come on, Barney, I'm sure they've talked about who gets the apartment.

Come on, Barney, I'm sure they've talked about who gets the apartment.

Come on, Barney, this is not about the odds.

Come on, Barney, you're just being paranoid.

Come on, boys.

Come on, Claudia. We go way back.

Come on, Daddy.

Come on, dude. You should be thanking me.

Come on, Ellen. I mean, a pint of ice cream. Isn't that a bit cliché?

Come on, give us a number. Lily guessed eight,

Come on, guys. Get a room.

Come on, I came back for you, Ted.

Come on, I can't stand watching my delusional friend

Come on, it's gonna get nuts in there. It's this dude who owes me money.

Come on, just try a little bite.

Come on, Lily, don't hate the player, hate the game.

Come on, Lily!

Come on, Lily. The only way that that was a cockroach

Come on, Lily. We have a tightly scheduled evening

Come on, man, I didn't recruit you to work here for your lawyering skills.

Come on, Marshall, it's the greatest pickup line of all time.

Come on, Marshall. Do you really think she's still your fiancée?

Come on, Mary, there's no one else around.

Come on, Robin, trot out your new fella.

Come on, Ted. Let's get you a hooker. It'll be fun.

Come on, Ted. Victoria's Secret party. Now. Let's go.

Come on, Ted. Who are you gonna listen to?

Come on, there was a computer, and there were eight fish

Come on, wouldn't it be the coolest story ever

Come on!

Come on!

Come on!

Come on!

Come on! It's an adventure.

Come on! You gotta give me aliens!

Come on! You've been doing wedding stuff nonstop. Take a break.

Come on. Disk three!

Come on. Dude, we all know how this movie ends.

Come on. If you don't laugh, it just seems mean.

Come on. It can't be that bad.

Come on. It's not that bad.

Come on. Pick up.

Come on. Ted, this is an incredible opportunity.

Come on. Those calls weren't that weird.

Coming up, are there snakes living in your walls?

Complimenting the owners on their collection of needlepoint geese.

Congratulations, Marshall.

Congratulations, you have just taken your very first step.

Cool. Okay. You know, whenever.

Could make a guy so gay.

Could this penguin be the slutty pumpkin?

Crap! Band! We forgot a band!

Crap. I'm missing one of those screws for this table

Credit cards.

Crouch down and bend over a little bit.

Daddy's home.

Damn it, I have to see her again.

Damn it, Past Ted!

Damn it, Trudy! What about the pineapple?

Damn it, Victoria. Where are you?

Damn it!

Damn it!

Damn it!

Damn you, Old Navy and your reasonably priced three packs.

Damn, he's looking mighty fine in that tux.

Damn! You just got even hotter.

Damn. I should've called it Barney's law.

Damn. Wanna go get a soft pretzel?

Deep down you're single.

Deer carcass, really? That's the metaphor you're going with here?

Defending some endangered South American flying beaver.

Definitely.

Delivery for Ted Mosby.

Derek, He was, like, rich, successful, handsome,

Derek!

Dial.

Did any of you write that?

Did I call you to get the name of your guest?

Did I leave the room at some point? When did that happen?

Did I? Three days.

Did she seem pissed at me?

Did the horizontal, 10 legged, inter species cha cha?

Did you guys...

Did you just use my name as a verb?

Did you know about this?

Did you know the word "karaoke" is Japanese for empty orchestra?

Did you remember to pick up the dry cleaning?

Did you see how fired up she was?

Did you?

Did you... Did you get my tape?

Didn't care at all.

Ding dong. What? The doorbell?

Ding! Class dismissed. Here you go, kid, you call whoever you want.

Division of labor. Everyone's got a job to do, so listen up.

Do I have an extra key to your apartment?

Do I look like I'm four?

Do it again.

Do it.

Do it.

Do it. Come on, Ted, do it.

Do you ever have one of those days?

Do you have any aspirin?

Do you have any thoughts?

Do you honestly believe deep down that there is no one else out there for you

Do you like Mike?

Do you remember the huge secret that you told me

Do you see how your story is full of holes?

Do you take credit cards?

Do you think that's how Sandy puts his hair on in the morning?

Do you think they've been in there the whole time?

Do you think we look young enough to blend in at a high school?

Do you think, hypothetically, it would be weird if I bring a date?

Do you wanna do this the easy way, or the hard way?

Do you wanna find out if I'm kidding? Yeah, goodbye.

Do you wanna have dinner with me Saturday night?

Do you want to come over?

Does any of this make sense to you?

Does anyone else have a...

Does everyone snot up this much when they cry?

Does it look anything like a real rain dance?

Doesn't mean you have to put out.

Doesn't she run this place?

Doing our usual single guy thing,

Don't be embarrassed. She has pretty eyes.

Don't beat yourself up. He'll be fine.

Don't check your email.

Don't Go Breaking My Heart, Elton John. Kiki Dee.

Don't interfere. Some guy is expecting to marry this woman on Saturday.

Don't let him out of your sight for a minute.

Don't make it sound ridiculous. It's a cockamouse!

Don't make me hurt you, Ted.

Don't piss off the universe. The universe will slap you.

Don't say that. We'll find each other.

Don't tell me you've forgotten, I know I haven't,

Don't think I'm overlooking the obvious fact

Don't touch the computer.

Don't worry about me. I'll get in.

Don't worry, though, it wasn't that great,

Don't worry. I'm not gonna Ted anything up, or out.

Don't worry. It's gonna be great. I'm so excited.

Don't you get Ionely?

Don't you have a big date tonight?

Don't you think the universe

Don't you wanna stay and see the cockamouse?

Done. The painting's done.

Dope!

Duck!

Dude, barring some act of God,

Dude, call it.

Dude, he is right.

Dude, I feel like I haven't seen you in a month.

Dude, I'm kind of in the zone here.

Dude, is everything okay? You left the front door open.

Dude, it's the world's oldest profession.

Dude, Robin and I are just friends. She doesn't even like me that way.

Dude, Scarlett Johansson with no arms any day of the week!

Dude, that's not a rain dance. That's a fat kid with a bee in his pants.

Dude, the only people who will know are you, me and Marshall.

Dude, these are your awesome years, you're wasting them on this girl.

Dude, you are the hottest girl at this prom, and not like in a corporate, plastic way.

Dude, you show up to an interview in that,

Dude, you're driving a limo now. That's awesome.

Dude, you're wearing eyeliner.

Dude, your narrow minded views on professional fornicators

Dude. That's your G friend? All right, high five.

Dude. We haven't hit legendary yet. We're only at the "le."

Dudes are such chicks.

During which he literally flipped through today's paper reading it aloud to viewers,

Each.

Earlier that day, Marshall went to the dentist

Easy there, hungry.

Easy. Simple.

Eating at my favorite restaurant. Sweet.

Eating hot dogs. It's like we're the President.

Either way, the answer's about half the time.

Either we all get out of here, or no one does.

Either we all score, or no one scores.

Either you stay here, or we break up.

Ellen, can you help me find her?

Ellen, your company "Love Solutions" boasts a 100% success rate,

Emilio, the woman will have...

Enough with the...

Eriksen, that was steak sauce!

Especially now that Ted's with Victoria and can't drink.

Even better, triple threat, hotter and bigger boobs.

Even from our closest friends

Even if a dinosaur should poke his head out of my butt

Even if I have to get two extra night jobs, I'll pay your precious tailor.

Even if it means being a waitress in crappy cafés for five years,

Even if we're not.

Even so much as breathing the same air as her,

Even the hippie lawyers from Granola Mountain Earth Pals

Ever. Swear. Swear on the lives of your unborn boy and girl.

Every guy's used the lei ed line on you tonight, huh?

Every Halloween, I bring a spare costume

Every Halloween, Ted waits for the slutty pumpkin.

Every wedding invitation presents a strange moment of self evaluation,

Everybody all dressed up.

Everybody feels this way sometimes.

Everyone else here has manned up tonight and told the truth.

Everyone else is off falling in love

Everyone except Barney.

Everyone, this is Michael. That is not his real hair.

Everything here is dark and sketchy, and seems illegal.

Everything here is dark and sketchy, and seems illegal.

Everything in life can be broken down to ones and zeros, even love.

Exactly! It's like, what's he gonna do next? I don't know, but I want to find out!

Exactly.

Exactly. Exactly. Like just now,

Exactly. So I'm just going to wait for her to come to me.

Exactly. Thank you, Mary.

Excellent choice.

Except it's only an internship and I won't be getting paid.

Excuse me, has anyone ever told you...

Excuse me, ma'am. This bastard's kicked. Thanks.

Excuse me, ma'am. This bastard's kicked. Thanks.

Excuse me?

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Extra key?

Fact, Even though she didn't want a relationship,

Fact, On New Year's Eve, we kissed again,

Fact. I need a date to this wedding. Wish me luck.

Fact. Robin was into me when we first met.

Fancy hotel ballroom.

Father issues. Hot.

Favorite book is Love in the Time of Cholera, check.

Favorite fast food restaurant?

Feel kind of like Richard Gere.

Feels right.

Fiancée's out of town. What do you do? Go!

Fifty seven days! Ted, you are in a slump.

Fifty seven days.

Fighting a losing battle for our planet's survival.

Find a cutlet, lock her in early,

Fine, Do what you want,

Fine!

Fine.

Fine.

Fine.

Fine.

Fine.

Fine. I'll go next.

First hand accounts, theoretical criticisms, anthropological...

First of all, Robin's category is almost up.

First one to stuff 100 invitations gets a big prize.

First prize, a $50 gift certificate at the bar.

First thing that comes into your mind.

Five hundred bucks, you?

Five more minutes. We don't wanna rush those tannins.

Five! Another "Autobiography."

Five.

Flip it.

Flip it.

Follow my lead.

For all I know, that guy's my soul mate.

For as much as we know about the cockamouse,

For me, all those firsts happened within 48 hours of meeting Victoria,

For our summer fellowship,

For the most part, yeah.

For the player to your left which... Victoria!

For the record, your little lemon law is a symbol of everything that's wrong

For the team, Marshall, for the team.

For the unique little snowflake that you are.

For tiramisu.

For whatever reason, I had let myself believe

For you to proposition an engaged woman you don't even know?

For your information, my fiancée did.

For, like, an hour and a half. Eventually, you just run out of stuff to say.

Forbid? Who said forbid?

Forever.

Forget all that touchy feely crap.

Four fifty six. Four fifty seven. Four fifty eight.

Four.

Fourteen.

Freaking tannins.

Freaking tannins.

Friday night?

Friends don't let friends drink and dial.

From "I was never gonna do it" to "I need to do this."

From a family member at the hospital.

From back in the days before I met your mother,

From the moment the date begins, you have five minutes to decide

From three days ago.

Funny story. Barney was grinding with this girl all night...

Get involved? Who said get involved? I'm just saying we should have sex.

Get off me.

Get some sleep, Ted. You had a long night.

Get some sleep, Ted. You had a long night.

Get what done?

Getting up and making a complete idiot of myself.

Gin!

Girls. It's all talking and no sex. Kill me now.

Give him your number. What?

Give him your number. What?

Give him your... Come on, guys, you're embarrassing me.

Give it back! Hey, give it! Give me! Give it!

Give it!

Give me some rain!

Go ahead, Sarah. You can tell me anything.

Go for Barney.

Go get her.

Go home, Ted,

Go home, Ted.

Go into my stable and take my finest stallion.

Go to that French Vietnamese place we keep passing and say we want to try.

Go, go, go.

Go.

Go.

God, I hate myself right now.

God, I'm crazy about this girl. It feels like, maybe...

God, I'm gonna look hot.

God, that is so me at 15.

God, that sucks, man. I'm so sorry.

God, that sucks, man. I'm so sorry.

God, that sucks, man. I'm so sorry.

God, Victoria's so amazing. I could talk about her for hours.

God, why didn't you throw it away?

God, you are so terrified of anything real.

God, you were just a kid.

God! Best girl ever.

God! It's like freshman year, all over again.

God.

God. I'm reaching dangerous levels of psychage.

Going. Getting!

Good boys. Okay.

Good idea.

Good luck on your date. I hope she's everything you're looking for

Good luck, buddy.

Good luck, dude. Grab me a cupcake.

Good news! I don't have to cover the cat show tomorrow night.

Good night.

Good to know. Okay, goodbye.

Good, 'cause this thing's empty.

Good.

Good. 'Cause I gotta take a whiz.

Good. He's going home.

Good. So, you're gonna go home?

Gosh, thanks, Ellen. I sure hope this works.

Got it?

Got it. Anyway, Ted, part two of my story.

Got married two months ago.

Grab that afghan your mom made.

Grandma, Grandpa, don't wait up.

Gray brown tufts of fur, a tail.

Great wedding, beautiful toast, touching stuff. How's the honeymoon?

Great, here comes the little Barney speech.

Great, so you want to come over and make juice?

Great, voicemail.

Great! I'm gonna need you to call her for me.

Great! So, how do we get in touch with the bridesmaids?

Great.

Great. Now I gotta go to the locksmith.

Great. So, let's flip for it.

Great. Terrific.

Great. We totally suck at this.

Great. Well, that answers all the questions I didn't ask.

Greg's older. He's successful.

Grind with her all night till she's mine.

Guess cab drivers are the new bartenders, huh?

Guess we'll have to take a rain check.

Guess what? That's how you feel!

Guys, is that Moby?

Guys, we just met.

Guys, you are being immature, and moronic, and drink, drink.

Guys!

Guys. I just tasted an amazing caterer.

Guys. I'm kind of screwed here.

Had one of our famous

Halloween is a night of wonder and magic.

Hang on. It's Robin. She wants me to go to prom.

Happy Halloween.

Happy New Year, Not Moby.

Happy New Year, Not Moby.

Has anyone ever said, "Listen, I've been thinking,"

Has more important things to worry about than my dating life?

Have a great night.

Have fun, Barnacle.

Have we lost that?

Have you decided what to do about your donut fellowship?

Have you ever seen a rain dance?

Have you met Ted?

Have you met Ted? He...

Have you seen how the kids are dressing these days,

Haven't you ever had one of those days

Having sex is fun.

He better want the brownie sundae.

He buys me all this cool stuff.

He can put his platinum card on a fishing line

He even carved "Ted" into that block of cheese.

He had to stop acting like a kid,

He has a job doing...

He is so not going home.

He just left in the middle of our own party. You don't do that.

He left his phone in the limo. He's out looking for you.

He lied and told me he broke up with his girlfriend

He likes you, and you like him, and just be together!

He read a book called Life Among The Gorillas.

He rocks infinity.

He wanted to be a "we" and I wanted to be an "I."

He wants to show it to the Columbia Biology department.

He was best known for his morning segment in "Today's Paper,"

He was gonna take the swords down! Can you believe that?

He works over at Nicholson, Hewitt and West,

He wouldn't do that to me.

He'll just let it fester under the surface

He's even getting me into the VIP room.

He's gonna kill me.

He's gonna pretend it's an emergency call

He's gonna want the apartment. I'm gonna want the apartment.

He's just staring into her eyes!

He's just this guy I've been seeing for a couple of weeks.

He's kind of cute.

He's not a billionaire. He's a hundred millionaire.

He's not exactly nervous about tying the knot,

He's not gonna know what kind of shoes she was wearing.

He's okay. He's okay. He's okay.

He's the pro. This guy knows relationships.

He's yours. His name is Windjammer.

Healthy communication? That's the worst idea ever!

Hell of a woman.

Hell, if a cockroach and a mouse can find love in this crazy city,

Hello again, Ted.

Hello, again.

Hello, Lily, This is Janet Kagen,

Hello, Marshall. Lily.

Hello, Robin, it's Ted.

Hello, Robin, it's Ted.

Hello!

Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

Hello.

Hello. May I speak with a Mr. Ted Mosby?

Hello. Target acquired. Hottie by the jukebox.

Her father couldn't control her life,

Her favorite book was Love in the Time of Cholera.

Her favorite CD in the Otis Redding box set? Disk three.

Her favorite singer was Otis Redding, And she wanted two kids, a boy and a girl,

Her guilty pleasure song is Summer Breeze by Seals and Croft.

Here we are.

Here we go.

Here we go.

Here we have on the front page a story about a...

Here, drink this.

Here, have some water. Water!

Here, I took a picture.

Here, let me.

Here, Lily, you answer it.

Here, listen.

Here, play with this pincushion.

Here's a professional tip.

Here's the plan, and I crap you not.

Here's what Robin was saying to Lily about me,

Here's your sack lunch.

Hey,

Hey, babe. Dollar beer night. So I splurged and got us each our own.

Hey, babe. Hey, little one. Hey, Lilypad.

Hey, Barney, I had some questions about filling out these requisition forms.

Hey, Barney?

Hey, big guy.

Hey, Blauman, Bilson, this is Marshall. These guys are in legal.

Hey, bro, have you seen my fiancée, Lily?

Hey, can I please tell the story?

Hey, chad. How's it hanging?

Hey, check it out. This one actually looks like Butterfield.

Hey, Claudia!

Hey, come on.

Hey, corner office. Top floor.

Hey, don't knock long distance relationships.

Hey, Dracula, come on. Give me the candy. Give me it!

Hey, girls.

Hey, girls.

Hey, guys.

Hey, guys. What up?

Hey, guys. You want to take two hot girls to prom?

Hey, Haircut, right here.

Hey, hey.

Hey, hey. It's my suit. Shouldn't I be the one to choose?

Hey, how easy you think it would be to sneak into the zoo?

Hey, I know what you like.

Hey, I need a big favor.

Hey, I think you guys should have the apartment.

Hey, I want the slutty pumpkin to recognize me,

Hey, if I got in a fight, would you have my back?

Hey, in fact, you have just earned yourself an invite to Marshall's bachelor party.

Hey, is there any way I can let it be known that I love cuddling?

Hey, is this milk any good?

Hey, is this milk any good?

Hey, it works.

Hey, it's me again.

Hey, it's me again.

Hey, it's on the house.

Hey, it's Robin.

Hey, it's Ted. I guess you're asleep.

Hey, Lily, this is Ted,

Hey, maybe it'll be that cute coat check girl.

Hey, maybe we should just go out there.

Hey, Mrs. Eriksen, it's Lily.

Hey, nonfat latte to go.

Hey, one day you're gonna meet a guy

Hey, Penelope, have you ever actually seen a rain dance performed?

Hey, Penelope, you sure I'm doing this right?

Hey, Ranjit!

Hey, Robin. Good sweater.

Hey, Robin. Good sweater.

Hey, Robin. How are you?

Hey, something kind of cool just happened.

Hey, Ted, are you busy?

Hey, Ted, there's a message on the machine for you.

Hey, Ted, what are you doing for Halloween?

Hey, Ted, what you doing?

Hey, Ted, you'll never guess what happened?

Hey, Ted.

Hey, Ted.

Hey, Ted. So now that things with you and Victoria are going pretty well

Hey, thanks for picking me up.

Hey, thanks for saving my night. I'll talk to you soon?

Hey, this may sound weird. But it'll definitely sound more weird

Hey, wait. How's Barney getting in?

Hey, we're wearing the same shirt.

Hey, we've got four more parties to hit.

Hey, what about me? What's my job? What do I get to do?

Hey, what are we waiting for?

Hey, where the hell did you disappear to last night?

Hey, where's my Kit Kat? I put it right here on this table.

Hey, why don't we all go?

Hey, wordplay. Funny.

Hey, you guys remember that time that Lily kicked Korean Elvis in the nards?

Hey, you guys wanna take five? All right.

Hey, you know that scene in Empire

Hey, you know. I mean, if when I get back, we're still single we can...

Hey, you ladies want something to take the edge off?

Hey, you're speaking to a fellow snotter.

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey! He rallies!

Hey! What's taking so long?

Hey? I thought it was gonna be just us tomorrow.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey. Did she call?

Hey. I'm driving.

Hey. I'm on my way to meet Ted.

Hey. Seriously, you have to stop doing that!

Hey...

Hi, Claudia.

Hi, Ellen.

Hi, how many?

Hi, Leg Warehouse?

Hi, sad eyes. What's got you down?

Hi, Sandy Rivers.

Hi, Sandy Rivers. Use my full name. People get a kick out of it.

Hi, Ted, it's Robin.

Hi, Ted, it's Robin.

Hi, Ted. Remember me? Your girlfriend.

Hi, Ted. Sounds like you're having fun.

Hi, Trudy. I'm Robin. It's nice to meet you.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi. Excuse me.

Hi. Have you met Robin?

Hi. Marybeth. It's so great to meet you guys.

Hi. Oh, God, I am so sorry about this.

His name's Greg. I've been seeing him for a few weeks.

Hmm.

Hold on. What kind of shoes was she...

Hold this.

Holy crap! We just saw Brian Affleck.

Holy mother of God! It's headed this way!

Home number. Call me anytime.

Honestly, I'm having trouble remembering what she looks like.

Honey, could you hold my hair back? I think I'm gonna hurl.

Honey, Ted has been going out of his mind waiting for this.

Honey, there's a situation developing.

Honey, this magazine says more and more couples

Horrible.

How about a little more wine?

How about that? He did it.

How about this weekend on the camping trip?

How about we go on a Halloween double date?

How about you start by sharing dessert.

How are you going to get everything done?

How come Marshall isn't doing anything crazy?

How could the leg be well enough to do awesome air kicks one day

How could... With your dad?

How did I sprain my ankle?

How did we get here?

How did you get in here, anyway? We put Ted to bed around 1:00.

How did you guys get in here?

How do I say this? This is gonna be really hard.

How do you do this, Ted?

How do you guys know each other?

How do you sit out here all night on the roof, in the cold,

How does she rate on the Mosby checklist?

How fancy are we talking about here?

How is it moving too fast? We've been together for two years.

How is that a relationship?

How long have you been in love with Robin?

How long have you been in love with Robin?

How many of these coats do you think I could put on all at once?

How many times do you have to watch this crash and burn

How many women can say they've been personally serenaded by Korean Elvis?

How much did I drink?

How much does Korean Elvis rock?

How much longer do you think you can hold it?

How quickly you all forget! I haven't puked since high school.

How we doing this exactly? Is this like, to the death?

How would you like to be said bro?

How's it going?

However, could we skip the traditional interrogation

I actually like Victoria a lot.

I almost forgot. Sergei sent me your bill.

I always checked that I was bringing a guest,

I always just stacked the ships on top of each other.

I am definitely crazy right now. But I have a plan.

I am done trying to plan the unplannable.

I am getting married on Saturday.

I am going to make her

I am not...

I am smelling dirt. What is the story of the re return?

I am so beautiful. Don't tell me how much it costs.

I am vomit free since '93.

I am willing to give you one of the eights,

I am. I'm exhausted from pretending I'm not in love with her.

I apologize for my gender.

I assume you're probably over all the girls you were into before, right?

I bet even Cro Magnons used to give cave hookers,

I bet it looks great!

I bet they're delicious, too.

I better not have gotten burned.

I brought you back here.

I came here to support you as a friend, and frankly, I'm sick of trying.

I can change. I can look more like Kurt Cobain.

I can share dessert.

I can't believe a high school senior unloaded like that on me.

I can't believe I unloaded like that on a high school senior.

I can't believe I'm on a date with a hooker.

I can't believe it. We got Van Smoot House.

I can't believe Marybeth left before midnight.

I can't believe she's making you wait a whole month.

I can't believe this.

I can't believe this.

I can't believe this.

I can't believe we're leaving a party that had pigs in blankets.

I can't believe you talked me into this.

I can't do this anymore. I need an answer.

I can't imagine having this much fun over there.

I can't let Robin go camping with this guy.

I can't let you make this decision for me.

I can't sew. I don't own navy boxers.

I can't stay in these heels any longer, I just can't.

I cannot believe I gave you my number.

I cannot believe that she gave him her number.

I cannot believe you just told him that.

I cannot believe...

I cannot get enough of it.

I cannot set you up

I changed my mind. I don't want to meet her.

I checked the cigar club, the Lusty Leopard. He's off the grid.

I choose to turn my front on her. What up.

I could be cooped up in some tiny apartment,

I could maybe find somebody for you if you were gay.

I could see how you would think that, but I have to have my own place.

I could sure stand to do something stupid.

I couldn't tell.

I counted nine, maybe ten.

I cut off all my fingers.

I decided to surprise Ted by going to the reception.

I deserve this apartment, Marshall.

I destroyed an $8,000 wedding dress.

I did hear barking in the background.

I did it. I did it. I'm taking her to the wedding.

I did not understand a word you just said.

I did not.

I didn't check plus one.

I didn't come here tonight to make you jealous.

I didn't do any of it.

I didn't have any of the experiences I set out to.

I didn't see her until a week later,

I didn't use to, but there was math, I got confused.

I didn't. You followed me up here.

I don't base all my life decisions on how much money I'm gonna make,

I don't believe it, they're gone.

I don't believe this. Claudia's crazy.

I don't care what I said. This is gonna happen.

I don't care. I'm going to be a painter.

I don't deserve these delicious cupcakes.

I don't even believe it myself.

I don't even want to go, anyway.

I don't feel so good.

I don't get involved with people I work with.

I don't have time to be creepy, dude. I have a lot of work to do.

I don't know if I'm gonna go.

I don't know what it is, but margaritas make me sexy.

I don't know whether to be proud or concerned.

I don't know why people are so cynical about Ewoks.

I don't know, but we have plenty of chocolate here.

I don't know, hope.

I don't know, I got a feeling.

I don't know, I just felt embarrassed.

I don't know, there's something there.

I don't know, we were kind of thinking about staying at home

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know. For everything to stay the way it is.

I don't know. I think I might need one last story to get me through it.

I don't know. It was just a rough day,

I don't know. It's gonna be a tough sell.

I don't know. Maybe?

I don't know. More people might be harder to sneak in.

I don't know. Things have been so weird between us.

I don't know. We used to be even more nauseatingly into each other

I don't know. You said "mistake" a lot.

I don't need any milk.

I don't plan out every second of my life, like you do.

I don't see...

I don't think it'll be weird.

I don't think the Great Spirit looks too kindly on white dudes

I don't understand. What happened to Ellen Pierce?

I don't wanna lose Victoria, but I can't ask her to stay just for me.

I don't want perfect. I want Robin.

I don't want that apartment! It's a boy apartment.

I don't want to be tied down.

I drank a Big Gulp of Mountain Dew during that Quantum Leap marathon.

I even thought about long distance, as if that ever works.

I expect more from you, Barney.

I feel awful.

I feel guilty. Like it's un feminist or something.

I feel sorry for you, man.

I feel the same. And, yet, strangely different.

I felt bad though. He was pretty bummed.

I figured I didn't have much of a chance, 'cause they don't let many Americans in,

I finally got a girl and I'm not going to let you take her away from me.

I finally nailed Shannon! Told her I'd call her tomorrow.

I finally paid a janitor 200 bucks to let me borrow this mascot costume.

I get 15 guys like you every week.

I get recognized one time and I start thinking I'm Julia Roberts.

I got great dirt on all you guys. I got Ted to tell the re return.

I got some vegetables. I got carrots. I got beets.

I got someone for you. Two o' clock. Blue shirt.

I gotta be able to bag, like, a 16.

I gotta bring someone, but who?

I gotta call Claudia. If I just explain to her...

I gotta make one more call.

I gotta stop making jokes in e mails. It's so hard to convey tone.

I gotta think about this.

I grew to admire your tenacious...

I guess a guy in a superhero costume climbing the Empire State Building,

I guess I could take her off your hands for an evening.

I guess I'll actually floss.

I guess so.

I guess so.

I guess so.

I guess, the question is, where do you want to go?

I guess, uh, Bea Arthur.

I guess... What, we'll need fake names?

I had a feeling I'd find you here.

I had an idea of how to do it, too,

I had clients riding me all day long.

I had no idea laser tag still existed!

I had that other phone, and it was good,

I had that other phone, and it was good,

I had the most amazing night ever.

I had to get out of there,

I had to go back and confront him,

I hate how you're always right.

I hate this guy.

I hate this.

I hated my dress, my date got wasted and puked on me, there was a huge fight,

I hated that guy,

I have a 100% success rate. That's my hook!

I have a big interview coming up. And my suit has holes in it.

I have a feeling that tonight you might end up being Jackie... oh.

I have a feeling Victoria's gonna be around for a long time.

I have been in tons of VIP rooms. Not exactly a VIP room virgin.

I have half a mind to tell the story of the re return.

I have more photos in the bathroom

I have no idea what that's all about.

I have no idea.

I have sex with my parrot all the time.

I have so many great memories of that place,

I have to go to Germany and surprise her.

I have to go to Germany.

I have to leave on Monday.

I have to see some penguins, like, right now.

I have to tell you something.

I have to wait at least, like, forever.

I haven't eaten dinner yet. Is there anything to eat in this thing?

I haven't seen her in three weeks. She won't return my calls.

I heard that in college you flashed a campus tour group on a dare.

I hope you're happy. You sunk my battleship.

I hope you're ready for some hardcore Battleship.

I just assist with day to day clerical work in a law firm, downtown.

I just don't want everything in my life to be decided already.

I just got dumped.

I just got in the zone and... Not the point of the story,

I just got in the zone and... Not the point of the story,

I just keep thinking about the girl I was 10 years ago

I just lied and told her I broke up with Victoria.

I just met the perfect woman.

I just need to know if I can get in.

I just thought that guy you were on the phone with...

I just thought that maybe I can make some money for a few years.

I just, I have to run to the bathroom. Real quick.

I just...

I just... I don't think that long distance really works for anyone.

I just... I just really wanted to see if I could get this.

I knew it would happen. This is the dream.

I know I can't do this. I'm not doing this. It's just... It's a shame. She's really cool.

I know it didn't work out between us, but we did have a relationship.

I know it sounds lame, but I actually think that Ted might be the one.

I know it's probably not in your repertoire,

I know now that life is never that simple,

I know that she wasn't a ghost.

I know that you say you don't need it,

I know the house rules.

I know these things aren't much fun,

I know this is crazy, it's just, you were once such a big part of my life,

I know who she is.

I know, but we haven't

I know, right. I'd really miss them, too.

I know.

I know.

I know. But come on.

I know. I was this close to being a huge slut.

I know. I'm sorry.

I know. It was hilarious.

I know. It's a suicide mission.

I know. It's just fun to say.

I know. It's two years of my life I'm never getting back.

I know. Only five short weeks, till we're down in Nicaragua.

I know. There's supposed to be. I don't know where they are.

I know. This rules!

I like being with you.

I like that guy.

I like the way you think, architect Mosby.

I like the way you think. That mirror thing.

I like this painting.

I like wine. I like tasting.

I liked your performance.

I love everyone in this bar!

I love everyone in this bar!

I love her!

I love it. I love it. I love it!

I love it. She's like half boob. Let's go.

I love juice.

I love these shoes, but the pain to hotness ratio is pretty steep.

I love this guy.

I love this song. I haven't heard this in forever.

I love you guys so much.

I love you so much,

I love you.

I love your package.

I loved every last detail of that place,

I made the cake.

I mean unbeatable,

I mean, a string quartet in my living room.

I mean, come on, Lily, it's what you've always wanted.

I mean, I actually came here tonight leaning towards staying,

I mean, I come home, I was gonna watch Jeopardy,

I mean, I kind of like the rusty taste.

I mean, I know he apologized for it but it's just... It's not easy to forgive.

I mean, I know things have changed since I got engaged,

I mean, I know, judge not lest ye be judged, but gross!

I mean, I love babies. Babies rule.

I mean, I never pictured it going down this way,

I mean, I'm 28 years old,

I mean, I'm looking to settle down, she's looking for...

I mean, I've half said it. I've tried to say it and I've said it badly.

I mean, I've hooked up with the odd lass

I mean, if we kiss, all of this becomes real.

I mean, isn't that worth all the other experiences combined?

I mean, it's fine for now, but when we get married,

I mean, just because her life went one way,

I mean, maybe your computer will help, maybe it won't, but it'll happen.

I mean, seriously. Claudia and Stuart?

I mean, so does Shocky.

I mean, so many things go wrong in life,

I mean, talk about anal.

I mean, the guy's, like, a billionaire.

I mean, the whole point was not to rush into this.

I mean, there was this moment where we almost dated,

I mean, this girl sounds amazing.

I mean, this is their first time.

I mean, this one guy just wouldn't leave me alone.

I mean, this was a huge company, so they did other things,

I mean, we couldn't even get it up to go on our big trip.

I mean, we struggle so hard to hold on to these things

I mean, we used to just stare into each others' eyes all night long.

I mean, what if we do this and it doesn't work out

I mean, why can't you just say, "Hey, Robin, let's go get some sushi?"

I mean, you basically live here anyway. It's not like it'll change anything.

I mean, you basically lived here all along. Ted loves you.

I mean, you're the luckiest...

I meant to call you.

I might be crazy right now. No, you know what?

I miss staying out late and making messes and not cleaning them up.

I missed you, too.

I most certainly did!

I need a bro, for my bro ings on about town.

I need a drink. Do we have any cough syrup in here?

I need to know you're psyched about this, too.

I need to tell her about these awesome shoes I just bought.

I need to think about this.

I need you to clear your schedule. Call Lily. Tell her you'll be home late.

I need you to come up to Dutchess County and pick me up.

I never get involved with coworkers, but he asked me and I said yes.

I never hook up at weddings.

I never played any team sports.

I never said that!

I never thought this would be a bad thing, but my wardrobe just isn't slutty enough.

I never told Lily about it. To be honest, I'm not very proud of it.

I never wanted any of it to change, but that's not how life works,

I owe you a real breakup call.

I penguin suited up to show you the error of your ways.

I played tennis in high school.

I promise we will find you somebody. Don't lose hope.

I put my ass and probably other parts of my body on the line

I ran into Claudia and she told me I didn't check plus one on the reply card.

I ran late covering the Halloween parade in the Village.

I read that. More like, "Love in the time of don't bothera."

I realize why I'm still single. I'm picky. I'm not going to settle.

I realized what the world of dating needs.

I realized what the world of dating needs.

I really do. But I just can't.

I really had to pee, so I went into the class's restroom,

I really should give this money to the Peace Corps.

I really think I'm ready to stop being a me, and start being a we.

I really think they can work.

I recruited you to be my executive mischief consultant.

I recruited you to be my executive mischief consultant.

I roast a mean weenie.

I said "She's great" too many times, didn't I?

I said good day!

I said, follow my lead.

I see a short, bald hipster, my mind goes straight to Moby.

I see where this is going.

I should call Barney. Maybe he knows what happened.

I should give it a few more days.

I should just skip this thing entirely.

I should probably get going. It's pretty late.

I should really make this call.

I should take this. Bye. Hello?

I stabbed Lily. I stabbed my fiancée.

I still don't wanna get married, and he's still Ted.

I still haven't heard from her. I don't know.

I still think we should've won as Sonny and Cher.

I sure am. It all began

I swear on Luke and Leia.

I take your silence as a yes, so, ergo, therefore,

I talked to Stuart.

I think Barney just won game night.

I think I still have a...

I think I want my money back.

I think I'll get that drink now.

I think it's a good setup.

I think it's clear what I have to do.

I think it's pretty clear what that means.

I think my feelings for Robin may be resurfacing.

I think my soul just threw up a little bit.

I think so.

I think so.

I think that makes this okay.

I think that that's Moby.

I think that's when I realized, clubs weren't awesome,

I think the red sauce was, like, awesome.

I think there might be some internal bleeding.

I think this may be a perfect moment.

I think this may be a perfect moment.

I think those need to stay in the oven awhile longer.

I think Victoria's about to break up with me.

I think we got them beat.

I think you won the dish off tonight, baby.

I thought about leaving it at home, but I figured, I don't want to get there

I thought Aunt Lily lived with you and Uncle Marshall.

I thought it might look cool.

I thought it was mine, so I answered it.

I thought so.

I thought we were gonna follow those bread crumbs

I thought you said that it was one third price!

I thought you said, "Tony."

I thought you were vomit free since '93.

I threw up? My streak is over.

I told her that the first night we went out,

I told her to call me anyway if she changes her mind. But I don't know.

I told him you.

I told my friend Sudeep about it.

I took the only good part of "backgammon," the "gammon,"

I totally checked plus one. I'm sure I did.

I totally didn't sleep through it!

I understand.

I wanna go somewhere and drink.

I wanna know you.

I wanna start a new life with you.

I want this. She wants this.

I want to give you the package.

I want to go into this club and find my fiancé.

I want to know you.

I want to live in France and Spain and Italy

I want to travel, live overseas as an artist,

I want to want that.

I want you to go in there with a smile on your face,

I want you to shake your tail feather down here ASAP. You dig?

I want you to stay.

I want you to stay.

I wanted to give you this.

I wanted to give you this.

I was an optimist,

I was coming to Marshall and Lily for advice on how to impress you.

I was having second thoughts.

I was hoping you'd just leave and we could avoid all this.

I was just reminding you that there's this wedding coming up in a couple of months,

I was just trying to make Ted jealous.

I was kind of into Robin.

I was looking forward to one last dance.

I was really Ionely. I only had one friend. Gabrielle.

I was really looking forward to this night. This sucks.

I was so excited, I got there early,

I was totally gonna tell you to go, but then you gave me this cupcake,

I was winning?

I was wondering if you guys could play Good Feeling by the Violent Femmes.

I wasn't fighting for the apartment. I was fighting for...

I went to Love Solutions and I saw on Ellen Pierce's computer

I widened the search parameters, I tweaked the program.

I will always treasure it. Good night, New York.

I will be leaving Metro News 1,

I will come down there and burn your little shop to the ground.

I will take those peanuts you're trying to pass off as testicles

I will tell you my most humiliating story.

I will throw you off this roof.

I will use exactly the right amount of tongue.

I wish I could help, buddy, but I'm stuck here at work.

I wish I had your guts.

I wish I'd pulled up my pants,

I wish Marshall would call. Guess the circuits are jammed.

I would bet you a floppity jillion dollars that she's not calling to break up with you.

I would bet you a gazillion dollars. No, I'm even more confident.

I would let them bread my schnitzel any day, if you know what I mean.

I would like to propose a toast

I would never cheat on her. She lives in Germany.

I would never put up with that.

I wouldn't dare.

I... I mean, this flat tire was a sign. I'm not supposed to do this.

I... It's not like I was ever going to do it.

I'd been in a long distance relationship with Victoria for nearly a month,

I'd feel a little Stepford turning down a huge opportunity

I'd have your back, too.

I'd like to announce this evening's big twist ending.

I'd love to go back and be that person again, but you can't move backwards.

I'd love to.

I'd say yes to just about anything.

I'd so much rather go to your fruity little winetasting.

I'd take a P in the gutter over Julia Roberts any day.

I'd wait.

I'll answer that. Infinity.

I'll be here.

I'll be right there.

I'll bring it so hard the bride's gonna look like a big white bag of crap.

I'll call you tomorrow.

I'll explain later. Hey, we're heading down to MacLaren's.

I'll get it.

I'll give you the crab puffs. The crab puffs are good.

I'll go this way, you go that way.

I'll have a Johnnie Walker Blue, neat,

I'll just run back to the apartment and change shoes.

I'll lay down some cover fire. You make a run for it.

I'll pick you up at 5:00.

I'll say. She's going out with a billionaire.

I'll show you things you've never seen before!

I'll take what I can get.

I'm a failure. I'm all washed up. I tried everything, Ted.

I'm a humble sheep shearer from Killarney.

I'm a single guy.

I'm actually sitting at home, waiting for the phone to ring.

I'm also a horny devil.

I'm architect Mosby. Sorry. I just wanted to say my job, too.

I'm attracted to other dog people.

I'm back, baby doll!

I'm back, baby doll!

I'm back, baby doll!

I'm Barney Stinson.

I'm begging you. Just leave it at the office.

I'm birthday suiting up. I'm sorry. Did you want to undress me?

I'm breaking up with you.

I'm bringing a date.

I'm calling you.

I'm coming home. I'll see you soon.

I'm coming out of this bathroom a single man.

I'm crazy about you. I think we should be together.

I'm crazy and you're crazy

I'm exactly the same.

I'm flat broke. My only other suit options are track or birthday.

I'm flattered you think we have two viewers.

I'm flippering you off.

I'm getting brain surgery from some guy who's seen a couple episodes of ER,

I'm getting us into the Victoria's Secret Halloween party.

I'm glad you came down. I would prefer to say this to you in person.

I'm glad you came down. I would prefer to say this to you in person.

I'm going shopping after work. I'll pick up some milk.

I'm going to ask you something and maybe it's crazy

I'm gonna find out what bakery made that cake,

I'm gonna get some air.

I'm gonna get you one of those front window dresses. Just for fun.

I'm gonna go find him.

I'm gonna go get another round.

I'm gonna go home tonight with a lot of great memories,

I'm gonna go home tonight with a lot of great memories,

I'm gonna have a few beers, I'm gonna wait for the slutty pumpkin.

I'm gonna make it rain.

I'm gonna miss Victoria.

I'm gonna put my hand up your dog now.

I'm gonna rock you on the mike so hard your ears are gonna bleed gravy.

I'm gonna stay.

I'm gonna take that flower grenade and chuck it into the crowd and scream,

I'm gonna tell her to go.

I'm good.

I'm guessing you haven't always had this rule.

I'm hanging out with my friend who just got dumped.

I'm heading up to the roof.

I'm here with Ellen Pierce,

I'm in the locker room sitting in the whirlpool.

I'm in.

I'm joking. I got offered a job at CNN.

I'm juggling four right now. There's Lisa in Madrid.

I'm just a lowly little P sitting out here in the gutter.

I'm just asking you to support it.

I'm just exhausted from work.

I'm just kidding. Love your show. You're terrific.

I'm just picking up my last paycheck.

I'm just really feeling this cheeseburger.

I'm just saying we love tiramisu.

I'm just surprised you didn't dump him sooner.

I'm kidding.

I'm leaving.

I'm like half your viewership.

I'm like half your viewership.

I'm like...

I'm locked out of my apartment. I need to come pick up my extra key.

I'm looking for a soul mate.

I'm never going to see her again. And there's no way to ruin it.

I'm no VIP. I'm not even an IP.

I'm not afraid of you! You're embarrassing your...

I'm not asking you to understand it. I'm not asking you to be happy about it.

I'm not coming up there, Robin, I'm not.

I'm not dressed, Ted. You come up.

I'm not going to a matchmaker. That's like giving up.

I'm not gonna die alone. Look at me. I'm bright. I'm attractive.

I'm not gonna have sex with a prostitute.

I'm not gonna lie to you, big time thunderbolt.

I'm not gonna wait around for three months

I'm not in college anymore.

I'm not in love... We're just friends. Where are you getting that from?

I'm not in the way.

I'm not making this up. She must've climbed out the fire escape.

I'm not selling my soul.

I'm not sure about this. A tailor in the backroom of a pet store?

I'm not taking a prostitute to Robin's banquet.

I'm not trying to make Robin jealous, Barney.

I'm not. I'm just trying to support her.

I'm okay. Are you okay?

I'm out hooking up.

I'm pleased to inform you that we've accepted your application

I'm portraying someone who succumbs to peer pressure.

I'm pretty sure this is a mix tape you made me in sophomore year.

I'm psyched.

I'm really glad that you asked me out tonight.

I'm saying that the coffee industry is causing irreversible...

I'm serious, Marshall.

I'm single.

I'm sitting here with a beautiful woman I just met,

I'm so done with the single life. All the games, the meaningless sex.

I'm so excited about tomorrow. We're gonna have so much fun.

I'm so excited Victoria's coming.

I'm so glad that we're friends.

I'm so glad we decided to just stay home.

I'm so glad you have to go to your parents next weekend.

I'm so glad your roommates are out of town.

I'm so over karaoke.

I'm something stupid. Do me.

I'm sorry I hung up on you earlier.

I'm sorry to announce that one week from today

I'm sorry, dude. It was funny.

I'm sorry, ma'am. You either need to be a student or the date of a student.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. Am I not allowed to have a pensive side?

I'm sorry. Dude, this corporate thing, it's just... It's not for me.

I'm sorry. I just need to do this before settling down forever.

I'm sorry. Is this a discussion of the degree to which you stabbed me?

I'm sorry. It's just...

I'm sorry. My dad won't let me go.

I'm sorry. What was your name again?

I'm staying!

I'm supposed to go home and be with Marshall.

I'm sure you could find a program here that's just as selective.

I'm sure you do.

I'm teaching you how to do, do, do.

I'm three months pregnant.

I'm tired of the whole bar scene, the one night hookups.

I'm used to it. I don't know.

I'm usually so good at being a boyfriend,

I'm wetting my pants!

I'm... Yeah, this is stupid. It's not even a big deal,

I've been dreaming about this day, since I was, like...

I've been laying groundwork all afternoon.

I've been told I'm an excellent hugger.

I've been trying to call her. I can't get through.

I've been trying to get in here all night.

I've done all of this,

I've just been offered a fellowship at a culinary institute in Germany.

I've just been offered a fellowship at a culinary institute in Germany.

I've made up my mind, I'm gonna end it with Victoria.

I've moved on.

I've moved up in the world.

I've never been to prom before, okay?

I've seen a film strip.

If a girl dresses up as a witch, she's a slutty witch.

If an act of God is what it takes, then an act of God it is.

If by "like the Loch Ness monster" you mean "totally exists and is awesome,"

If he pukes, one of you guys cleans it up.

If I could turn back time...

If I do this interview, and get into the program, then I'll know,

If I don't bring a date, a $200 piece of chicken/salmon will go uneaten.

If I don't get down there right now it's gonna capsize! Now come on!

If I don't wanna get married barefoot in the woods next to

If I go to my wedding and the cake is not Tahitian vanilla,

If I walk in there, I'm robbing both of us of what could be...

If I'm going to marry someone, she has to be perfect.

If it doesn't rain this weekend, she's gonna end up with the wrong guy.

If it's no, then I am done going after Robin forever.

If it's still runny, it's not a cupcake.

If it's yes, great.

If only I'd given you a fake tape and hidden the real tape in my purse.

If party number one turns out to be the best, we'll just limo on back to it.

If she's a cat, she's a slutty cat.

If something is a mistake or not.

If Ted's your soul mate, then it may be worth it to hang on to him.

If that dude can bag a nine,

If the slutty pumpkin turned out to be my future wife?

If this thing is what you say it is, it could be huge for my career.

If we don't take this, guess who's on their way with a deposit check?

If we go out there and spoil the mood, it's not gonna happen.

If you complete that call, I will set your coat on fire.

If you couldn't play our song, right? Right?

If you don't start meeting him halfway, you're gonna lose him.

If you even thought about it for one second...

If you had checked plus one, I'd have called you

If you just gave it a chance, you might like it.

If you knew that you were gonna lose your leg tomorrow,

If you think that there's any chance that Victoria's your soul mate,

If you think we can beat that, you got some brass ones.

If you want me to say yes right now, I can't do that.

If you want, I could take you shopping. Maybe get you a discount.

If you're here for The Shagarats, you just missed the fourth encore.

If you're here for The Shagarats, you just missed the fourth encore.

In a new place.

In a totally new costume.

In addition to probably being kind of healthy.

In case I strike out with the hottest girl at the party.

In college, I did an art course in Paris. I was the only American there.

In fact, it's healthy.

In fact, on our first date, I might've said, "I love you."

In just one night, everything had changed,

In keeping with tonight's award show motif,

In New Jersey tomorrow.

In one night, I managed to hurt two people I cared about,

In order for the tannins to mellow,

In over a decade,

In the form of a 600 gigahertz, super processing computer

In the future, food will most likely be served in gel cap form.

In the mail or in my mind? Zero.

Instead of playing in them,

Intense? I have a wedding to plan in nine weeks for 200 people.

Interested.

Interesting!

Into Aunt Lily and Uncle Marshall's engagement,

Into the white hot center of adrenaline.

Invigorating, thanks.

Iron Man, I could do Iron Man,

Is a cruel, unshaven bastard named reality,

Is he having a nervous breakdown?

Is if it was wearing the skin of a mouse it just killed.

Is if the girl is 17 years, 11 months old.

Is it really a group activity, loving tiramisu?

Is she a cat person, or a dog person? Is she open to a three way?

Is she okay?

Is that he's always been good at games,

Is that not an internationally recognized term for sex?

Is that she's just happy to be getting married.

Is that they're both attracted to shiny objects.

Is that what you want?

Is there a place card with her name printed on it?

Is there even a single item on the menu that has garlic in it?

Is this just 'cause you lost your get psyched mix?

Is this what you want? "30 year fixed mortgage."

Is to celebrate someone else's successful one.

Isn't gonna magically walk through that door in a pumpkin costume

Isn't it weird that we should run into each other like this?

Isn't she awesome?

Isn't that hauntingly beautiful?

Isn't there a third Affleck brother?

Isn't there room for just one more person?

It can fly.

It combines all the best features of all the best games,

It had everything Marshall and Lily wanted for their wedding,

It happened with Robin. It happened with half boob.

It has been an honor to bring you the news each night,

It has six legs, a hard exoskeleton, like a roach.

It has to just be easy.

It haunts me.

It involves a game of Truth or Dare,

It is a super important dessert scholarship.

It is on. It is on! Like the former Soviet Republic of Azerbaijan.

It isn't funny if you explain the joke.

It just doesn't seem like it.

It just felt like there could be this weird connection between us.

It kind of hurt that you guys didn't invite me out.

It led to this totally rad sword fight, didn't it?

It looks bad, is what it looks like, You cannot do this,

It looks like The 88 are playing at a high school prom

It may have been my idea.

It really means a lot to me.

It takes longer than five minutes to really get to know someone.

It tastes normal to me.

It threw up a little bit.

It took three more vodka cranberries to subdue Claudia,

It turns out that he is a fan of my reporting for Metro News 1.

It was a cockroach.

It was a smaller target than I'm used to,

It was carved in strategic places.

It was four years ago.

It was her big break,

It was just too much pressure too soon. I mean, maybe it was silly to even think...

It was nice,

It was pretty great,

It was probably 50 years old at that time, and it made truly terrible coffee,

It was the day we moved in.

It was the most embarrassing and humiliating thing

It was the only thing I could think of!

It was written by an anthropologist named Dr., Aurelia Birnholz Vazquez,

It was, wasn't it?

It wasn't,

It will always, always be pure,

It works.

It would come to be known as the time Lily kicked Korean Elvis in the nards,

It'll be fine, we'll be out of here in a jiff.

It'll be fun.

It'll change the entire nature of our relationship.

It's a cockamouse.

It's a date.

It's a great way to start the morning, but Ted just had a huge date.

It's a plan.

It's a way to make some extra wedding money, and that's it.

It's a whole new species. The cockamouse.

It's about believing.

It's about compromise, growing together, all that Dr. Phil crap.

It's all about confidence. Follow me.

It's all in the back. We could wrap it up for you.

It's amazing how minor those secrets all end up seeming,

It's an anthropological study. Isn't that cool?

It's an independence thing.

It's as if a cockroach and a mouse, you know...

It's bad. You should go home, dude.

It's been like 45 minutes. We could've had sex three times by now.

It's been nice pretending to talk to you.

It's bigger now. It's been feeding.

It's called "Marshgammon."

It's called the Buttercup Bakery.

It's Carl from the bar.

It's cool. Time to activate Plan "B."

It's dipping stuff in hot cheese. What's not to love?

It's fine, Claudia, don't worry about it.

It's for Lily.

It's for the bourbon.

It's full of swords and video games and kind of smells like dude.

It's gonna be a thing.

It's gonna rain cats and dogs, folks.

It's gonna work. We're gonna make it work. It'll work.

It's good to know the future has ribs.

It's got vitamin A, vitamin D.

It's half "you're pathetic," half "I have to pee."

It's happening. And if you have a problem with it, don't be in Germany!

It's just all moving too fast.

It's just gonna be silence and then people chewing.

It's just he's still supporting me.

It's just like Dr. Aurelia Birnholz Vazquez in Life Among The Gorillas,

It's just not like that with Robin.

It's just something I'm going through.

It's just too much pressure on a new relationship.

It's just what girls do.

It's just what I do.

It's kind of hard to talk about with Ted here,

It's like a big drum roll.

It's like I'm trying to preserve something that's already gone.

It's like my testicles mixed pop rocks and soda.

It's like shopping in a marshmallow. How's Barney's tailor?

It's like shopping in Barney's mind.

It's like shopping in Barney's mind.

It's like the universe was saying, "Hey, Barney, there's this dude,

It's like you're floating out in space. Touch the ground, Robin.

It's like you're floating out in space. Touch the ground, Robin.

It's me. Barney.

It's more complicated than that.

It's my best and most annoying trait.

It's my own concoction. I call it the Red Dragon.

It's my pleasure to welcome back The Shagarats.

It's New York City. You know, plenty of fish in the sea.

It's nine weeks till the wedding. At this point,

It's not because of me, is it?

It's not easy, and on some level,

It's not fair. It's not fair that we have to break up.

It's not going to be like, "Hey, remember that time

It's not ideal.

It's not life threatening, but we should excise the rest of it.

It's not like I'm going to claw my own eyes out if he comes.

It's not like, "Listen, I've been thinking, Nutter Butters are an underrated cookie."

It's not that arbitrary.

It's not that I haven't thought about this.

It's okay.

It's okay. I wasn't that into him.

It's okay. It's over.

It's one of New York magazine's top five romantic getaways on a budget.

It's one of the many risks of the blind approach.

It's only two years. I know we can make it.

It's our two month iversary, so we're going out to dinner.

It's out there. It's a thing! The lemon law is a thing!

It's pouring. You come up.

It's pretty clear.

It's probably nothing. But I'm a cautious guy.

It's quid pro bro.

It's really great.

It's really tasty.

It's Robin.

It's Robin. That's Robin in there.

It's Saturday night. Go out and do something.

It's Saturday night. Go out and do something.

It's so nice to meet you, Mike. You guys are really cute together.

It's so stupid and arbitrary, isn't it?

It's some sort of mutant combination of the two.

It's the best.

It's the circle of life.

It's the man version of getting a cat.

It's the one night of the year chicks use to unleash their inner ho bag.

It's the thought that counts.

It's time to, what? That's right. Re psych.

It's too bad I'll never get to see it.

It's true. I can hear them. What's that, little boys? What's that?

It's usually a two man operation where Ted signals if the target is hot.

It's usually not.

It's Van Smoot, Lily. It's the dream.

It's Wendy the waitress. Tip her well. Thanks a lot, guys.

It's you.

It's your default setting.

It's your dream.

Its diet is not unlike our own. Grains, cereals,

Its diet is not unlike our own. Grains, cereals,

Jeez, Louise, happiness is not that difficult.

Jerks who just wanna meet vulnerable women,

Jessica Simpson? What a surprise.

John "Bonzo" Bonham from Led Zeppelin?

Joining the Peace Corps with you is gonna be legendary.

Just 'cause this guy is spending a lot of money

Just allergies or something. I'm fine.

Just ask all of my happy couples.

Just because some computer says so?

Just calm down. Do you wanna go somewhere and talk?

Just don't move. Don't move. Just try...

Just don't talk. Don't talk.

Just go home and go to sleep,

Just go home, Ted, Don't do this the wrong way!

Just go to sleep,

Just got nominated for a Local Area Media Award.

Just keep your eyes open. That's all I'm saying, Teddy.

Just knock. Okay.

Just like the slutty pumpkin.

Just like the third bro doesn't tell the mutual bro

Just met Mary ourselves. Don't know too much about Mary.

Just one fewer day I get to help people.

Just one second. Hello?

Just one thing we got to do first.

Just play it cool. Don't Ted out about it.

Just put on the girlfriend costume for a night.

Just read the file.

Just sitting here, thinking about you, hot stuff.

Just snap my neck now so I can die this pretty.

Just take a look, will you?

Just to have my heart ripped out.

Just wanted to say good luck with the interview.

Just, the theme of today is, "Ted rocks!"

Just...

Katie's here. Okay, real quick. Last night, epiphany.

Keith Affleck or Brian Affleck or something?

Kevin, I'm so sorry. I have to go. My friend's been stabbed with a sword.

Kid needs to be alert. First day on the job and everything.

Kids, let's rap.

Kind of amazingly. She's 28, like me.

Kind of like black and white Ewoks. I approve.

Kind of like this anchor weighing you down to one spot.

Kind of, yeah.

King of the Saturday afternoon kung fu movie, Vampire Lou,

Kiss!

Klingon insult. You have no honor.

Knock?

Knowing that my soul mate was back at home waiting for me.

Knowing you could have made her a lot happier?

Korean Elvis. How would you like to have a drink with me and my friends?

Ladies and gentlemen,

Ladies and gentlemen, the results are in.

Ladies, gentlemen, Ted.

Ladies.

Lake No One's Gonna Drive That Far.

Lame!

Last New Year's, we went our separate ways, and it sucked.

Last night I ate the best cake of my life.

Last night, I stood out on the street for five hours

Laugh for the sad clown

Laugh now. Those kids are monsters. They're gonna eat you alive.

Lawyered.

Lawyered. Okay, three things.

Leave me alone.

Leave this place in my dust, four awesome years at college,

Length of an average pee? No.

Lesbian.

Less interested.

Let me call you back.

Let me check their website.

Let me guess.

Let me guess.

Let me make it up to you. Make you a drink.

Let me tell you something about this brain, okay?

Let us judge and evaluate him behind your back.

Let's do all the single ladies in this joint a big favor and steal the bouquet.

Let's do all the stuff we talked about doing

Let's do this!

Let's get Marshall and go, okay?

Let's get outta here. Let's go somewhere else.

Let's go find her. I'll introduce you guys.

Let's go get some hot dogs!

Let's go to Paris for the weekend. I'm serious.

Let's keep moving. These little bastards are everywhere.

Let's make that bastard pay.

Let's say, plus minus five years.

Let's see what else. Oh, she doesn't look like a tiger, check.

Life is full of changes.

Like a berserker.

Like a couple of squirrels.

Like an alcoholic Tootsie Roll.

Like these clubs. Or cruises.

Like tonight, we're tasting all these different wines,

Like you could possibly know that.

Like your friend "Jack Package."

Like, an extra fish for putting out.

Like, anchor anchor?

Like, I remember how she makes me feel, I just don't completely remember her.

Like, know your soul.

Like, know your soul.

Like, truly, truly hot. Like a hot soul.

LIL Y; Marrying Marshall had been all I wanted for a long time,

Lil, you know I can't promise that.

Lily Aldrin as a parrot,

Lily needs you to download the sheet music for Good Feeling

Lily painting on the fire escape,

Lily, don't do this to yourself.

Lily, don't do this.

Lily, I know you're asleep, but I have to tell someone this,

Lily, I love you!

Lily, I need a dress.

Lily, I told you not to call him that.

Lily, I'm gonna need the spare key to Robin's apartment.

Lily, my dogs aren't that well trained.

Lily, quit your job. Work at a private school.

Lily, this is a Chinese restaurant.

Lily, we live in the center of art and culture in America.

Lily, when Doctor Aurelia Birnholz...

Lily, will you tell these guys how stupid they're being?

Lily, you go down to the bar and comfort Claudia.

Lily, you have to get out of there this instant. That's not Moby!

Lily, you have to tell him. That dress cost a fortune.

Lily, you okay?

Lily, you're being a wee bit intense about this band thing.

Lily, you're marrying your best friend in the world.

Lily, you're the most incredible woman I know

Lily, your apartment makes the best Shanghai dumplings.

LILY: Just a second.

LILY: No, that's terrible. Are you okay?

LILY: Oh, floor's cold.

LILY: Ted, is your world ready to be rocked?

Lily!

Lily! Thank God!

Lily?

Lily. Lily!

Lily's a part of who I am.

Lily's busy.

Lingerie models on a boat!

List of life Iong dreams, you're now half as long.

Listen to you. "That"?

Listen, Barney. I saw you talking to that bridesmaid last night.

Listen, could you take a cab out to Dutchess County

Listen, do you wanna come and cry out here?

Listen, guys, I'm sorry. Please, I just need to get in there for one more song.

Listen, I know it's late, but do you want to come over?

Listen, I know it's late, but do you want to come over?

Listen, I really need to talk to you, Call me, I'll be at the office all day,

Listen, I'm calling because last night I met this girl,

Listen, little buddy, I understand it's prom and the adrenaline's pumping, but...

Listen. I really wanna keep talking but now's not a good time.

Little bed and breakfast. It was so nice.

Little did I realize, a few weeks earlier,

Little things are gonna be changing around that apartment.

Live in the world, make a mistake. Make this mistake.

Living among the western lowland gorillas of Cameroon,

Long distance relationships are a bad idea,

Long distance still almost killed us.

Long distance was and is a terrible idea,

Look at how hot she is. Robin would be so jealous.

Look at that idiot go.

Look at that.

Look at that. 8:56. You're early.

Look at the bright side. At least you got some closure.

Look at the evidence.

Look at us.

Look at us. Two guys in suits. You feel that slight tingle?

Look at you, Scherbatsky, blatantly trying to make Ted jealous.

Look at yourself, Marshall. You're not happy.

Look for me, I'll be the guy in the awesome suit.

Look how cute she looks. All tuckered out.

Look, a beer.

Look, come karaoke with us tonight,

Look, could we talk about this later?

Look, do you want a quality suit and a free rabbit or not?

Look, don't you think you're being a little impulsive marrying a guy

Look, guys, I know milk is important.

Look, I can't sign off on a band I've never even seen.

Look, I have to go down there. I don't know what's gonna happen

Look, I highly doubt the Great Spirit's a stickler for choreography.

Look, I know it never works for anyone, but do you wanna try long distance?

Look, I know that odds are, the love of my life

Look, I know this is a moral gray area, but

Look, I know this night isn't turning out the way I planned, but we...

Look, I know this sucks.

Look, I know you're not Victoria's biggest fan,

Look, I realize we've been down this road before,

Look, I understand that you guys had to break up eventually,

Look, I want to, Lily, okay?

Look, I... Tell Mary thanks, but no thanks. I have a soul.

Look, I'm just trying to expand your horizons a little bit tonight.

Look, I'm kind of wasted right now, so I didn't understand any of that.

Look, I'm sorry.

Look, if I was marrying the wrong person and the right person was out there,

Look, if you're a hooker, I don't have a lot of money.

Look, in spite of whatever happened between us, Robin and I are still friends.

Look, it would not be smart if we got together.

Look, it's a chance to show her

Look, it's Halloween.

Look, let's just see how things progress and if, by September, we still...

Look, marriage is big. You're allowed to freak out.

Look, maybe I'm old fashioned, but I'm sorry, that's a deal breaker for me.

Look, Robin. You're not going home. Come on, it's New Year's Eve.

Look, she can't be a cat person. I'm a dog person.

Look, so your date fell through, so what? What do you need a date for?

Look, some gremlins. Let me go feed them after midnight.

Look, Ted, it's dark, I don't know how to change a tire,

Look, Ted, maybe we need to talk.

Look, when I was 17, I used to sneak into clubs all the time.

Look, you didn't want to be with me, so clearly, you have abysmal taste in men.

Look, you guys have always been like the parents that I still have,

Look, you had to do it, sweetie. For Ted.

Look, you held off their first advance. That's good.

Look. Here's why I should get the place.

Look. Who are we kidding? You and I are both attracted to each other.

Look. Who are we kidding? You and I are both attracted to each other.

Looking at that girl and knowing she's all you really want out of life,

Looks interesting,

Looks like they're about to have theirs.

Looks that way. Looks that way.

Love isn't a science. You can't calculate a feeling.

Love Solutions' Ellen Pierce.

Love the blue instruments, though. Kind of an inside joke.

Lowering myself to a fifteen.

Make it a big glass.

Makes sense.

Making it that much more precious.

Making sacrifices, it's hard.

Man, it's gross.

Man, Ted's been acting weird. He's started labeling all his food.

Man, this coffee's great.

Man, Vampire Lou just looks great.

Man, you know something, Stuart's my new hero.

Man, you really have snapped.

MAN: And we're clear.

MAN: And we're clear.

MAN: And, we're clear.

Married.

Marshall and Ted set me straight.

Marshall can't know about this

Marshall Eriksen. Nice to meet you.

Marshall had to learn to act like a gorilla,

Marshall just ditched out on our own party.

Marshall knew she was right,

MARSHALL ON SPEAKER; I love you, Lily, Happy Valentine's Day, 1998,

Marshall playing video games,

Marshall should be running our game nights,

Marshall wanted to know where you guys got that cake.

Marshall was here yesterday. They just learned the word "fiancé."

Marshall, are you okay?

Marshall, are you wearing eyeliner?

Marshall, consider the penguins.

Marshall, I can't let you waste a suit this nice

Marshall, I love you.

Marshall, I should feel tremors of psychetude

Marshall, it's fine. Nothing's gonna happen.

Marshall, it's time for us to grow up.

Marshall, Lily, Sandy Rivers...

Marshall, no.

Marshall, not only is it this year, it's tonight.

Marshall, she is a really cool girl when you get to know her,

Marshall, she was not a ghost.

Marshall, the youngest member of the audience,

Marshall, what happened to us?

Marshall, what is up with you and Ted?

Marshall, what is up with you and Ted?

Marshall, what makes you cry?

MARSHALL; I was stopping by Lily's kindergarten class to say hi,

MARSHALL: 'Sup, Blauman. E Bomb here.

MARSHALL: Bye, Lil.

MARSHALL: Not again.

Marshall.

Mary is a friend of Barney's. Barney invited her.

Mary is just a paralegal who lives in my building.

Mary seems nice. Have you kissed her yet or are you waiting

Mary the paralegal is awesome. And you know what else?

Mary, Ted is a great guy. You hold on to him.

Mary's a prostitute?

Mary's not a paralegal, She's a prostitute,

May lead to an argument, but we're settling this.

Maybe have a lesbian relationship.

Maybe he was in a pet store. Does he want us to get a cat together?

Maybe he's gonna buy you one.

Maybe he's using an adorable kitty to guilt you into staying.

Maybe I should just go home.

Maybe I'll poke it with a stick.

Maybe if I'd worn the red dress.

Maybe it just can't be done.

Maybe it just means that you guys would be happy together.

Maybe it's the massive blood loss talking, but I'm starving.

Maybe not.

Maybe she really does have a brain injury.

Maybe she used a second fake name.

Maybe she was a ghost. That's why she didn't want to kiss you.

Maybe that's just who I am. And you know what?

Maybe that's what the problem was.

Maybe there's a machine in the restroom.

Maybe they're not even in there.

Maybe we both need that.

Maybe we got together too young.

Maybe we just shouldn't get married at all.

Maybe we should each take some time to think about what we want.

Maybe we should have a winetasting party.

Maybe we should start doing some grown up stuff.

Maybe we should stop calling her the slutty pumpkin.

Maybe we should stop calling her the slutty pumpkin.

Maybe we're just out of firsts.

Maybe you should just knock.

Maybe you've got more in common with Barney.

Maybe.

Maybe.

Mayonnaise. Really?

Me and Robin. Me and Robin. I have to make one more call.

Me or Mr. Goody Goody over there?

Me, too. Just a sec.

Mellow order, bro, mellow order.

Mere alcohol cannot stop this brain.

Mike Murphy for "Thirteen, Pregnant and Addicted,"

Mike? There's a Mike?

Mini vomit.

Miss me?

Mmm hmm.

Mmm hmm.

Mmm.

Moby? She's upstairs.

Moby's party. Moby's...

Moments pass,

Money, suits and sex. These are tears of joy.

More importantly, you do Robin. Come on!

Mostly getting people coffee.

Mother!

Mouse? Sweetie, that wasn't a mouse. That was a huge cockroach.

Mr. Mosby, how you doing, sir?

Mr., Stinson, this is Willis from lobby security,

Much obliged.

Must be a $12,000 dollar suit.

Must be the jeans.

Must do robot.

My apartment is a Chinese restaurant.

My bitches! Check this out.

My camping trip got rained out.

My dresser was right... That's my dresser!

My father was a cigar fanatic. It was the only way to get his attention.

My favorite? Any guesses? Anyone?

My fiancée? Suddenly, she's "my fiancée"?

My finger slipped.

My first solo batch.

My friend Kelly's gonna be there.

My friend, you just poked the bear.

My girlfriend, Shannon,

My God, this is incredible! We're like the same person.

My God, were you born without taste buds?

My Grandma has five cats and she gets Ionely.

My life rocks!

My life, my relationship, my career, mistake free.

My lovely bride would like to say something to you.

My mouth full of this delicious, relationship winning cupcake,

My new husband and vodka cranberry,

My not having a girlfriend ness,

My own, personal, get psyched mix.

My phlegm feels looser.

My roommates are having a party not far from here.

My roommates are having a party not far from here.

My saga continues.

My story on Pickles, the singing dog,

My story's on. Ted, pay attention. Carl, turn it up.

My wedding is in two days, that's how it's going.

My whole life's some money in the bank, some suits in my closet,

My, oh, my! There are some ferocious looking cutlets here tonight.

Nail them, and never call them again.

Name one person you know at this party.

Name's already crossed off. Sorry.

Nerds who aren't good at math? Life's going to be rough, boys.

Never checked out. By the way, you know what's super fun?

Never even saw the bus.

Never ever, ever, ever, ever times infinity.

Never found her number. Never saw her again.

Never having to go to a farmer's market.

Never would have guessed.

New York's premiere matchmaker,

Next Saturday night.

Next up, Marshmallow and Lilypad,

Nice outfit.

Nice to meet you, Marshall. Guess we're hall mates.

Nice! You know, we should have a cheaters grudge match.

Nice.

Nice.

Nice.

Nice.

Nice.

Ninety three? Dude, that's impressive.

No dibs!

No emails, no phone numbers, not even names.

No more than I do.

No offense, dear, but those are a little out of your price range.

No one will suspect a thing.

No sweat, we'll just sneak in.

No sweat, we'll just sneak in.

No tannins!

No thanks, dude.

No thanks. I'm sticking with the hanging chad.

No way! We can't go out there now.

No way.

No way. The kid does not sell out.

No way. The last time I did this, the girl turned out to be engaged.

No way. You're making this up.

No, 8.5 is an extremely good match up quotient.

No, a friend of mine named, shut up!

No, and why does this keep coming up today?

No, are you? Just because a woman lives alone doesn't mean she's a...

No, baby. We're gonna be an umpire someday.

No, Barney, this is as far as we're going to go. I'm not showing any more...

No, but I was just at party number three.

No, drifter, no!

No, he made me realize how much I love you.

No, I can't. Lily's waiting. I gotta find her.

No, I don't have a fiancé.

No, I have to gain the acceptance of the herd

No, I haven't.

No, I said I'd get you a pizza afterwards.

No, I swear that was a real call. I just...

No, I think we're gonna wait on the baby thing.

No, I won't. You're gonna die alone.

No, I'm a paralegal.

No, I'm a visionary. Lemon law! It's gonna be a thing!

No, I'm kidding. I got a plan.

No, I'm not. Look, I just turned off my brain for the night.

No, I'm trying to start a thing where the cough is separate.

No, I've got five dogs.

No, it has to be a string quartet, and Paris, and flowers, and chocolates,

No, it was awesome. I had a great night.

No, it wasn't a cockroach. It had fur. And only mammals have fur.

No, it's illegal. And did I mention gross?

No, it's just... You gotta admit that shock, that...

No, it's like it'll change everything!

No, it's not a slump. It's an intentional hiatus from girls.

No, it's not an adventure. It's a mistake.

No, it's not like that. We're juicing as friends.

No, look, I am serious. Think about it. He always wears black,

No, no date!

No, no, I was just saying that...

No, no, it's a great idea. That's the whole point of getting drunk.

No, no, no, coat wench. I like it. I should get a sign made up.

No, no, no, no. Baby, baby, baby, don't go.

No, no, no, no. No.

No, no, no, you don't understand. I need that Kit Kat.

No, no, no! Listen to me.

No, no, no. I mean, it just sounds a little bit weird, doesn't it?

No, no, no. I'm not married. I'll explain after you hide.

No, no, no. It's totally anthropological.

No, no, no. Just forget it.

No, no, no. No way. You know who likes long distance?

No, no, no. You were at party number four. You must have looked at the list wrong.

No, no, not again. Not this year.

No, no, that's some other guy. And he was a kick ass fighter pilot.

No, no.

No, not really.

No, not tonight. I've waited too long for this.

No, of course it's not for you.

No, see, he's gonna go back over there. I'm gonna call him.

No, Tanya, he's a dude.

No, Ted. I'm a paralegal.

No, thanks. I don't need an algorithm to meet women.

No, that's the easy way.

No, the kid was totally like a white belt and I'm gigantic.

No, there's a huge line. I don't wanna miss the slutty pumpkin.

No, there's just not enough time. There's no...

No, we aren't breaking up.

No, we're good. We're good.

No, what's the point of going out? I got a girlfriend. For now.

No, what's the point of going out? I got a girlfriend. For now.

No, when Dr. Australia Birdbath Vaseline came home from the gorillas,

No, wrong, lemon law's awesome.

No, you couldn't.

No, you found it. I came with you.

No, you have to come down here.

No, you know what? This is fate. I am never supposed to see this girl again.

No, you won't accomplish anything you set out to.

No, you're a hooker.

No, you're not getting lucky tonight.

No, you're not.

No!

No!

No! I thought we were just hanging out as friends!

No! I would never do that. I don't wanna go anywhere. I'm all yours.

No! Kids, color!

No! Leave no man behind.

No! No, don't answer it.

No! No! This was my apartment!

No! Wait! Don't come.

No! What the hell was that? You trying to get it drunk?

No! You guys just have to look at the whole picture.

No.

No.

No.

No.

No.

No. After I hosed you down with the beverage gun,

No. But I do have a hug.

No. Don't remember any Shannon.

No. He's not going up there. He has more sense than that.

No. Her name was Victoria. I don't know her last name.

No. I am just gonna wait for the next time Marshall really screws up

No. I am pissed. Ted, I don't want you to see me pissed.

No. I mean, he's not my boyfriend.

No. I need a ruling.

No. I'm sorry,

No. I've made my decision.

No. It's impossible.

No. Just four.

No. Kelly works in...

No. No, not tonight. Not in the limo. We gotta stay psyched.

No. No! We are already behind schedule.

No. No. No. We are not laughing about this, Ted.

No. Nope, I'm good.

No. See you.

No. That's not my girlfriend. Look, it's complicated.

No. That's the bro code.

No. This is perfect. It's meant to be. We're all back together.

No. Victoria is great.

No. Wait.

No. You're never gonna find anybody.

None of these other costumes even come close to ours.

None of these other costumes even come close to ours.

Nope. I hit the snooze button.

Not all dark and heavy like the early stuff.

Not as much as you like being alone.

Not awkward unless we let it be awkward.

Not awkward, guys.

Not even in an l forgive you way. Just in an I've missed you way.

Not even Old Reliable.

Not from the bathroom of the girl that you're about to sleep with.

Not like this.

Not necessarily. Okay, at first, I was appalled.

Not that your grandmother is...

Nothing better than a weekend at a good bed and breakfast.

Nothing good ever happens after 2:00 a.m. Go home! It's too late for juice.

Nothing has changed, okay? I still want to help the environment.

Nothing too huge or poofy. I'm not really a girly girl.

Nothing, baby, Don't worry about it,

Nothing, baby, Don't worry about it,

Nothing, her name's Victoria. That's all I got.

Nothing. It's nothing.

Nothing's changed. You've moved on. I've moved on.

Nothing's gonna happen.

Now that Lily's there, it's a whole new dynamic.

Now we all gotta drink.

Now you can get prescription level antihistamines over the counter.

Now you just say, "Wanna do it," and I say, "Yeah."

Now you think I'm gonna let that cake out of my life? Hell, no.

Now, I have no idea if Svetlana ever got her green card,

Now, I sifted through your party submissions,

Now, I suppose you could learn to love yourself

Now, I wasn't there, but from what I heard, it went something like this,

Now, I'm sorry, but I have work to do.

Now, I'm this.

Now, it's ironic the girl I used to like is helping me impress the girl I now like.

Now, ladies, slut up.

Now, let's see some of these moves I've heard so much about.

Now, our apartment was on the third floor,

Now, people often think a good mix should rise and fall,

Now, prepare yourselves for an audio journey

Now, that's where you have to answer a personal question about your dating life,

Now, to this day, I don't know what happened in there,

Now, what sort of dress did you have in mind, dear?

Now, you ladies look good, but your outfits are missing just one thing.

Obviously, the whole thing is shrouded in mystery.

Of awesomeness ahead of us. I need you to power through the pain.

Of course I do. Why?

Of course I knew who I wanted to bring,

Of course I want to get married!

Of course I was right.

Of course we are.

Of course, my colorist took "highlights" to mean, "I want to look like a tiger,"

Of course, not every secret was told that night,

Of course, you wanna meet somebody roughly your own age,

Of course.

Of course. I mean, we all live here,

Of doubt about yourself and...

Of equal levels of attractiveness.

Of the new girlfriend tonight?

Oh, and don't worry. Yours is in the mail. I sent it a couple days ago.

Oh, and I suppose you'll get a new roommate?

Oh, and Paralegally Blonde isn't here in her low cut dress to make me jealous?

Oh, and we never found out where that pineapple came from,

Oh, and when I get home, I'm going to kill you.

Oh, and, wow, for a little girl you got a big tank.

Oh, awesome! It's great, right?

Oh, baby, they have our song. Let's do Don't Go Breaking My Heart,

Oh, Barney, by the way, I went to a party in that new building on 82nd,

Oh, boy.

Oh, call an ambulance!

Oh, can I do it?

Oh, come on, Barney. It's for a good cause.

Oh, come on, dude. Three months working with me,

Oh, come on, Ted! You know what story I wanna hear.

Oh, come on, you're the one who let in a kid with nunchucks.

Oh, come on!

Oh, come on!

Oh, come on!

Oh, come on! He just got here.

Oh, come on! You have been throwing yourself at me all night!

Oh, come on! You know damn well, I move out, that room's going unused.

Oh, come on. If you don't laugh, it just seems mean.

Oh, come on. Ted can't be pregnant. You need to have sex to get pregnant.

Oh, come on. We bust on each other.

Oh, come on. You've gotta give me this one.

Oh, crap!

Oh, crap! I can't believe I forgot this. I'm gonna be out of town on the 18th.

Oh, damn it.

Oh, Derek's stuck in Connecticut closing some deal.

Oh, disco! I am so happy for you.

Oh, don't even worry about it. In fact...

Oh, don't get me wrong. I'm good. The best, really.

Oh, driver?

Oh, for God's sakes.

Oh, for the waiting room of your dental practice?

Oh, forget it.

Oh, go on, touch it.

Oh, go to hell.

Oh, God, I love butter sauce. There's nothing bad about it.

Oh, God, I'm so sorry.

Oh, God, no. Long distance is a lie

Oh, God, not this again.

Oh, God!

Oh, God! I'll be right there.

Oh, God. I'm sorry, man.

Oh, God. You guys are sucky liars.

Oh, good eye, Scherbatsky.

Oh, gosh.

Oh, great, there it is. Thanks, Lily, you're a peach.

Oh, gross. Just stop it.

Oh, guys, I know, I look amazing,

Oh, hell no!

Oh, hello, Jessica Alba, in a trench coat and nothing else.

Oh, hey, hey. Be safe.

Oh, hey, we're here. All right. You guys gonna come in?

Oh, hey.

Oh, hold on. I'm gonna make some popcorn.

Oh, how rude of me.

Oh, I am. I'm psyched.

Oh, I can't. I'm taking Victoria out for dinner.

Oh, I don't know.

Oh, I don't know. Girl of your dreams, dating a billionaire.

Oh, I found it. Are you ready to... What the hell are you doing?

Oh, I have this move. So I came here to bust it.

Oh, I know just how to decide who.

Oh, I know, baby, I'd love to go, but it's two against one.

Oh, I know. Can you imagine if we'd gone?

Oh, I was just in there. Robin Scherbatsky. I'm on the list.

Oh, I was just kidding.

Oh, I was, uh, just telling my friend that I think you're awesome.

Oh, I wish I could come with you guys,

Oh, I wouldn't even wait to find out. I would be on the next plane to Germany.

Oh, I'll get in.

Oh, I'll miss you guys. Have fun.

Oh, I'm flattered you think we have two viewers.

Oh, I'm going over to this girl's house to make some juice.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, if I wanted some, I could get some.

Oh, it is on for my boy Ted!

Oh, it's just a New Year's thing with some friends.

Oh, it's too bad you're not gonna get some tonight!

Oh, it's, "Daddy's home."

Oh, jeez.

Oh, jeez.

Oh, just get it.

Oh, just grab my boob already!

Oh, Lily, you know me. I'm just not into all that coupley stuff.

Oh, listen, Ted, I can't really talk right...

Oh, lobster, lobster, lobster, you are delicious.

Oh, look, okay.

Oh, Lord! The fake emergency?

Oh, man, I can't believe I forgot to tell you this,

Oh, man, that sucks.

Oh, man!

Oh, maybe when you said you wouldn't let me do it.

Oh, mucho sexy. Te quiero, Marshall.

Oh, my God, four days to find a dress?

Oh, my God, guess who just walked in? Moby.

Oh, my God, he's coming over. Everybody be cool. Everybody be cool.

Oh, my God, I hate Ted! I hate him so much!

Oh, my God, I just had a great idea for a screenplay.

Oh, my God, I used her lipstick. Oh!

Oh, my God, I'm gonna barf!

Oh, my God, is that a drifter with a hook for a hand?

Oh, my God, Not Moby took my get psyched mix!

Oh, my God, people do that?

Oh, my God, tonight?

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! I love your jeans!

Oh, my God! We're making out.

Oh, my God. Not Moby's party is party number four.

Oh, my God. That does describe a vampire. Or, you know, a bartender.

Oh, my God. What happened next?

Oh, my gosh. It's perfect.

Oh, my mistake. Or is it?

Oh, no, I know Moby, and that's... Does he have a gun?

Oh, no, that's good. I'm okay. Thanks.

Oh, no, wait, that was last night.

Oh, no, you're not!

Oh, no. I am all about the dudes.

Oh, no. I want you to do five shots.

Oh, nuts.

Oh, of course you... That is so...

Oh, okay.

Oh, on the off chance that that could happen,

Oh, penguins are cool.

Oh, please, how's it gonna come out?

Oh, please. They were buried in a shallow grave.

Oh, please. You barely know this girl. What's her favorite color?

Oh, please. You just want to get laid!

Oh, please. Your company is not called Barney Corp.

Oh, really?

Oh, right, I came in here 'cause I thought I was gonna throw up.

Oh, right. Most amazing night ever, and go.

Oh, right. Soul mate. Forgot.

Oh, right. That key. Yeah, I lost it.

Oh, rye bread.

Oh, same thing as you. I read the paper every morning.

Oh, see? I did it again.

Oh, she got the tape.

Oh, she sounds great.

Oh, she's good. She's very good.

Oh, slut alert!

Oh, snap! Never gonna call her.

Oh, snap. What else you got?

Oh, so it's like that, is it?

Oh, so now she's a whore?

Oh, stop it.

Oh, sure. Laugh. Laugh for Barney Stinson.

Oh, sure. She's great.

Oh, Tanya, I'm so glad you said that.

Oh, Ted, you're such a doof!

Oh, Ted! You are so screwed.

Oh, Teddy boy.

Oh, Teddy boy.

Oh, thank God you're here.

Oh, thank God!

Oh, thank God. I'm so sorry about this.

Oh, thanks.

Oh, that's so sweet.

Oh, that's wonderful, but I'm afraid you can't.

Oh, the Green Testicles story.

Oh, they're only five. What are they gonna do to me?

Oh, this dress is totally gonna get me laid on my wedding night.

Oh, wait, I know what you do.

Oh, wait, no, that's just my shirt reflected in yours.

Oh, wait, wait, wait! We have to turn around. We left Natalya.

Oh, wait, you were taking naps when the kids were? Is that safe?

Oh, wait. That's exactly what I did.

Oh, we can't. It's our nine year anniversary.

Oh, we rode in his cab one time. It's a long story.

Oh, well, good for them.

Oh, well, guess you'll have to come work at my company.

Oh, well, we can just wait until you get back.

Oh, well...

Oh, what, gross?

Oh, what? Because of the whole thing where I said I liked Ted?

Oh, which Sandy do we want today? Uh...

Oh, who cares, Marshall? We won.

Oh, wow, This is really a surprise,

Oh, wow, you're friendly.

Oh, wow! You just got burned. Phonics style!

Oh, wow. Weird.

Oh, yeah, do you like it?

Oh, yeah, doesn't matter! We won!

Oh, yeah, I'm just tired. And when I get tired, I get cranky.

Oh, yeah, it's been stuck in my head ever since I heard it this weekend

Oh, yeah, my friend did the remodel.

Oh, yeah, sorry, my bad. You're a man.

Oh, yeah, sure.

Oh, yeah, that totally got me yesterday.

Oh, yeah! Wait, what did he say?

Oh, yeah? Then why are you wondering what she looks like naked?

Oh, yeah? What you gonna do?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Norah Jones just gets better and better.

Oh, yeah. Shannon was sucking face with her dad.

Oh, yeah. Weirdly hot, right?

Oh, you have got to be freaking kidding me!

Oh, you poor thing.

Oh, you put Ted to bed all right.

Oh, you're dangerous, Maverick.

Oh, you've gotta tell us.

Oh! And here's the best part.

Oh! Cupcakes. Great.

Oh! Daddy's back.

Oh! Does she cut the crusts off your sandwich, too?

Oh! Sweet Lord!

Oh! These pancakes are delightful.

Oh.

Okay is the name of a club.

Okay, a toast.

Okay, ask this guy. Nine years he's been with Lily.

Okay, Barney, I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.

Okay, but as of right now,

Okay, but this time, jump up and I'll swipe your legs.

Okay, bye.

Okay, come on. Get up. Let us see how bad it is.

Okay, doing some math here.

Okay, Eriksen. Let's get to work. It's 2:00 a.m. It's raining outside.

Okay, even if I am wondering that, it's only 'cause you put it in my head.

Okay, fair enough. But I've got to prove a point to a friend.

Okay, fiancée's dead. Hit by a bus. What do you do? Go.

Okay, fine, I have feelings for him. Happy?

Okay, fine! I have feelings for him.

Okay, fine.

Okay, fine. Think about it on the plane.

Okay, first of all, hundred millionaire.

Okay, follow my lead, stay low,

Okay, ground rules have been established.

Okay, guys. I gotta say something.

Okay, here's the point.

Okay, here's where I left off with the last guy.

Okay, how about this?

Okay, I am.

Okay, I don't really know how to tap dance.

Okay, I just want everybody here to know I'm not a gay pirate.

Okay, I know that stuff looks dumb from the outside.

Okay, I know that you've all dismissed this theory before.

Okay, I need, like, five minutes to change,

Okay, I...

Okay, I'm a bit set in my ways.

Okay, I'm a bit set in my ways.

Okay, I'm cool. I'm cool.

Okay, I'm flipping. Heads or tails?

Okay, I'm gonna make this sound till you come hang out,

Okay, I'm just saying that it's my wedding, too,

Okay, I'm leaving.

Okay, I've missed you. Not in a we're going to make out way,

Okay, if we're at the "le,"

Okay, is this a lesbian bar? Because that girl with the blue shirt just...

Okay, it'll be cool. I'll tell you what. We'll make a game out of it.

Okay, it's back. And this time we got a good look.

Okay, it's just an internship to make a little money.

Okay, it's the National Resource Defense Council

Okay, it's time for bed.

Okay, just be cool. Don't look at me.

Okay, limited time offer.

Okay, look, I just need to see the band. I'm getting married in two months, and...

Okay, look, look, look. I know that it's sudden, but check it.

Okay, look. Mary, I like you a lot.

Okay, not a problem. He'll jack it up, slap on a tire,

Okay, now I feel worse.

Okay, okay, sweetie.

Okay, okay. All right, no, no.

Okay, okay. How much is it? On a scale of never to never ever.

Okay, okay. We'll sneak her in.

Okay, relax. Robin's just a friend.

Okay, Robin, you and Ted go to the florist.

Okay, Robin. Your roll.

Okay, seriously, what is going on with Ted, lately?

Okay, seriously, what is this girl's deal?

Okay, so anyway...

Okay, so I didn't have a written lease as such.

Okay, sure, I'll come over, we'll

Okay, take care.

Okay, Ted, but these dogs are really barking.

Okay, Ted. Hello?

Okay, that does sound good.

Okay, that was gross.

Okay, think about this.

Okay, those guys were mean at first, yes. But they're actually good guys,

Okay, wait. Before you say anything,

Okay, we get it. You're skeptical. But Marshall and I, we're believers.

Okay, well, get ready for my sex ray vision.

Okay, well, hang on. I'm coming to get you.

Okay, well, I guess now is as good a time as any.

Okay, well, I'll get back to you.

Okay, what is wrong with the two of you? Seriously!

Okay, yeah, that's a little bit suspicious.

Okay, yes, it's a mistake. I know it's a mistake.

Okay, yes, it's sweet in theory. But isn't it also kind of crazy?

Okay, you can call now. God, this is intense. I love it.

Okay, you're making yourself crazy.

Okay, you're making yourself crazy.

Okay, you're on a blind date.

Okay, your job is very simple.

Okay? Awesome!

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay. But it's not likely. I look damn good in my dress.

Okay. Bye.

Okay. For the wedge.

Okay. I get it.

Okay. I love you because, one, you made me a sack lunch,

Okay. I wanna lay down some ground rules for tonight, Barney.

Okay. I'll talk to you later.

Okay. I'll tell you my story.

Okay. I'm psyched about this. But if I'm gonna mentor you,

Okay. Just kind of seems like you're trying to hustle Victoria out of the country.

Okay. Let's do this.

Okay. Let's have a big hand for Robin the reporter!

Okay. Let's not lose hope.

Okay. Let's talk.

Okay. Meet me at MacLaren's. I'll see you there.

Okay. Sorry about that.

Okay. Sure. What time do you need me to... Right now?

Okay. To bring to the banquet and hang out with ironically

Okay. Tomorrow... And I should mention this is gonna rock your world.

Okay. Well, boyfriends, I guess I've only had two.

Okay. Well, I just wanted to say they're gorgeous

Okay. Well, thanks anyway. Yeah, you take care.

Okay. Well, what am I supposed to do?

Okay. What the hell happened last night?

Okay. You and me? That's insane.

OLDER TED; Actually, my 30th birthday wasn't so bad,

OLDER TED; And here's why it was funny,

OLDER TED; And kids, that's exactly what we did with our last day,

OLDER TED; And little did I know, at that very moment, fate,

OLDER TED; And so the three of us headed to the roof of my building,

OLDER TED; And so, as I sat at home, waiting for the phone to ring,

OLDER TED; And so, as the night wore on, I started to realize

OLDER TED; And so, Aunt Lily hatched the plan to crash a prom,

OLDER TED; And so, Barney was right,

OLDER TED; And so, I met her that night to tell her my decision,

OLDER TED; And so, one $90 cab ride later, I was in the middle of nowhere,

OLDER TED; And so, to fit in with the gorillas,

OLDER TED; And that's all I remember, except for a few hazy memories,

OLDER TED; And that's how Robin and I ended up together,

OLDER TED; And that's when things got complicated,

OLDER TED; And then Carl filled us in,

OLDER TED; And then Trudy filled us in,

OLDER TED; And then your Uncle Marshall and I

OLDER TED; Another care package,

OLDER TED; Derek, Now we had a tight schedule to keep that night,

OLDER TED; Even really, really dumb mistakes,

OLDER TED; Here's the thing about mistakes,

OLDER TED; I called Victoria from the cab, and we broke up,

OLDER TED; I did have more sense than that,

OLDER TED; I left Trudy a message, But she never called me back,

OLDER TED; It didn't work,

OLDER TED; It turns out some things are worth preserving,

OLDER TED; It was May of 2006 in New York City, and life was good,

OLDER TED; It was true,

OLDER TED; Kids, about eight months

OLDER TED; Kids, I tell you a lot of inappropriate stories,

OLDER TED; Kids, in life there are a lot of big romantic moments,

OLDER TED; Kids, life is a dark road, You never really know what's up ahead,

OLDER TED; Kids, something you might not know about your Uncle Marshall

OLDER TED; Kids, when it comes to love,

OLDER TED; Kids, your grandma always used to say to me,

OLDER TED; Let's back up a little bit,

OLDER TED; Let's pause,

OLDER TED; Luckily, there was still one person I could call to get a ride home,

OLDER TED; Marshall was going to work for a big corporation called Altrucel,

OLDER TED; Meanwhile, back at the bar,

OLDER TED; Now, I remember a lot of stories

OLDER TED; Now, kids, Moby was a popular recording artist

OLDER TED; Oh, yeah, Robin was spending New Year's with her boyfriend Derek,

OLDER TED; Okay, I wasn't going to say it in front of the guys,

OLDER TED; Okay, I wasn't going to say it in front of the guys,

OLDER TED; Robin had been mad at me since the night I slightly exaggerated

OLDER TED; Sandy Rivers was the face ofMetro News 1,

OLDER TED; So I read the file, And, by God, this woman was perfect,

OLDER TED; So, that night I had a blind date with my perfect match,

OLDER TED; That's right, I did the math,

OLDER TED; The funny thing was, at that very moment,

OLDER TED; The next morning, I was about to buy my ticket to Germany,

OLDER TED; These idiotic filler pieces were a guilty pleasure of ours,

OLDER TED; Van Smoot House was a gorgeous mansion

OLDER TED; We all finally agreed,

OLDER TED; We spend so much effort trying to keep parts of our lives hidden,

OLDER TED; Well, I mean, they did their best,

OLDER TED; What do you do? Go,

OLDER TED; What she said next changed his life,

OLDER TED; When the clock strikes two, just go to sleep,

OLDER TED; When you meet someone special suddenly life is full of firsts,

OLDER TED; When you're planning a wedding,

OLDER TED; When you're single, and your friends start to get married,

OLDER TED; When your Uncle Marshall was 10 years old,

OLDER TED; Why was this funny? I'll explain,

OLDER TED: Again, I wasn't there, so I'm a little foggy on the details,

OLDER TED: Kids, before I met your mother,

OLDER TED: Kids, the thing about New Year's Eve is that it sucks.

OLDER TED: So, kids, there are many buildings in New York City.

OLDER TED: So, kids, would you like to hear the story of the time I went deaf?

OLDER TED: You know how Aunt Robin's a big fan of Halloween?

OLDER TED: You see, sometimes in life

On a lazy Sunday afternoon.

On a real weekend, the real Ted wears a pair of jeans and a sweatshirt

On having a guys' night out before the wedding.

On Monday, Bilson and I are gonna talk to Montague in HR.

On Monday, I'm gonna have to tell my kindergarten class,

On the night of Claudia and Stuart's wedding,

On the stupid stuff, like who comes.

On the surface of tennis balls,

On top of the sundae of awesomeness that is my life.

Once my shirt's off, so I'm gonna ask you now.

Once on a dare. The other times were just for fun.

Once you're married, if we go out,

One day you have an apartment, the next day it's a House of Dumplings.

One more big, beautiful, stupid, romantic gesture

One night, you're cruising along, enjoying the ride,

One of each.

One of my best friends.

One of the 24 similarities between girls and fish

One of your best friends.

One.

Only hot guy here is blondie in the suit, and he's playing hard to get.

Only problem was

Only the craziest, meanest Iooking mouse you've ever seen.

Only, this time, my sweet dance moves aren't gonna be enough to win them over.

Open up your knowledge basket 'cause here it comes.

Or be our leaders.

Or cry at all for that matter.

Or did I bring it? I think I brought it.

Or it's a chance to mess with her head by showing up with someone hotter.

Or maybe I'm a devoted girlfriend and I'm calling you right now.

Or the one after that.

Or we can run and do awesome air kicks before our leg gets chopped off.

Or we could just drink wine.

Or what the hell you're doing with your life?

Or would you run and jump

Or Yale preppies reuniting their stupid a cappella group.

Or you could change your entire personality,

Or you could tell him that you're into him and then you could both be happy.

Or, actually, Robin, why don't you go to the florist?

Or, as the rulers call it, Piramide.

Or, God forbid, fat.

Or, so it says in my profile.

Other than confirming a lot of European stereotypes about Americans,

Our big Metro News 1 camping trip was gonna be this weekend.

Our friends Claudia and Stuart are having this crazy black tie wedding on Saturday.

Over the piano?

Pairing them up with these cool gourmet cheeses.

Party number three.

Pause land is a magical place

Peace out, hombre,

Peace out, hombres,

Penelope, I really need to make it rain this weekend.

Penelope, this is the girl I love.

People 10 tables away would know the moves.

People often ask me, "Barney, how is it that you're so psyched

Pick up! Pick up!

Playing laser tag really takes me back.

Please don't put that kind of pressure on me! It's too much!

Please say hello to our host for the evening,

Please tell me we can drink the wine now.

Please, for the love of God, open the window!

Please, I'm ageless, Scherbatsky just needs a good night's sleep,

Please, just don't leave me! I'm nothing without you, baby.

Please.

Please.

Pleased to meet you, Buttercup.

Pleased to meet you, Buttercup. I'm Lando Calrissian.

Plenty of fish in the sea.

Plus one. You make it sound so romantic.

Plus, cows will probably have died out by then.

Plus, here's the mini cherry, on top of the regular cherry,

Plus, I think I was just dating you 'cause you look a little bit like Kurt Cobain.

Plus, it's really great to see all these guys again.

Poker!

Possibly starting right now.

Pouring Dom Perignon down a bathtub drain.

Preserving something that's already gone.

Probably hanging out with Mike, this guy I've been seeing.

Probably some fractures. We gotta get her to the hospital.

Problem was, she was dating this really rich guy named Derek,

Prude alert.

Pudgy arms and stuff. But they make you old.

Pushing the front back into the tri state area,

Put me down for two.

Put together a care package of stuff from New York.

Raise your hand if earlier today you hit on an engaged woman?

Raised his hand with a question,

Ranjit, turn it around.

Ranjit, you sure I can't help?

Ranjit. Party number one.

Re...

Ready? A lemon law.

Ready? A lemon law.

Real suede wouldn't have gone up so fast. You got robbed. This is a blend.

Reality was the enemy,

Really got my freak juice flowing.

Really tasty.

Really think about that, Barney.

Really, are you sure? Wow. That snuck up on me.

Really?

Really?

Really?

Really? 'Cause I could swear you fell straight out of heaven, Angel.

Really? Because it also kind of sounds like a date with Sandy

Really? Great.

Really? I always thought Shocky's coffee tasted kind of rusty.

Really? I couldn't imagine you cranky.

Really? I thought you'd be totally into it.

Really? Well, 'cause she gave me a videotape to give you.

Really? You don't want kids?

Really? You've moved on?

Red Lobster?

Relationships aren't easy. They're hard work.

Relax. My guy does everything for one third the cost.

Relax. The night is young. It's gonna get better.

Remember that guy, Ted, that I was telling you about?

Remember the first night Robin and I went out?

Remember to pick up some milk.

Remember, stay out of the liquor cabinet.

Remember?

Right down to the brown shoes with the little snowflakes on them,

Right down to the incredibly tacky swords we hung on the wall,

Right here.

Right now we gotta fix this.

Right now, you just have to dress like a whore and that's it.

Right on the Hudson River,

Right on.

Right, but I'm the bride, so I win.

Right, I have a kind of mole on my back.

Right, so you guys are in. Should I invite Marshall and Lily?

Right, well, I'm engaged, so...

Right! Right!

Right?

Right.

Right. 'Cause I'm wearing a lei.

Right. So where was I?

Right. The DMV it is.

Right. Well, actually, that's why I'm calling.

Right. You're gonna go make some juice.

Robin again?

Robin got called up last minute to anchor the 11.00 news,

Robin is still pissed at me after, you know...

Robin landed on the Chocolate Swamp. That's five chips for me.

Robin Scherbatsky...

Robin, care to chime in with anything?

Robin, have I ever told you that I am vomit free since '93?

Robin, I don't get the sense you like being with me.

Robin, I gotta go. Just knock, okay?

Robin, I think that you are the coolest.

Robin, Mike likes you.

Robin, open the window!

Robin, Sandy... Rivers,

Robin, The big unanswered question in my life,

Robin, what are you doing for Halloween?

Robin, you have to try this chicken.

Robin, you know, I don't say this enough, but you're a great woman!

ROBIN; I was doing a report on live TV about a hansom cab driver,

ROBIN: Damn it.

ROBIN: Hello? Is someone out there?

ROBIN: Lily, squat down.

ROBIN: So, Mary the paralegal.

Robin? Thanks, Robin. It was awesome.

Robin.

Robin. Go wake her up.

Robin. Hey, Robin.

Robin. I've sort of said this already.

Robin. You've gotta get over this Ted and Victoria thing.

Robin's gonna be with Sandy this weekend.

Robin's here. Look, Trudy, I need you to hide in my bedroom.

Robin's out there. She's gonna think you're in here taking a massive...

Rock 'n' roll.

Rock my body like a seizure.

Rockupied, Dude, what...

Roll credits.

Room 1506, my treat. You kids go nuts.

Roomies! I love it.

Run!

Sadly, not out of character.

Same as yours. Look.

Sample sentence, Billy Teded up when he tried to...

SAND Y;... I raised these as a child, I tell you it's not easy,

Sandy time. Sandy time!

Sarah O'Brien loves brunch. She wants to have two children.

SARAH; Ted, hi, This is Dr., O'Brien, About today,

Say I were to hook up with someone, say, I don't know, Robin,

Say I'm right and this could all be over. This could be your call from the hospital.

Say I'm right and this could all be over. This could be your call from the hospital.

Say something bad about butter sauce, I dare you.

Say, Ted, how long do you think that conversation's gonna be?

Says every girl you've ever slept with.

Scherbatsky, how comfortable are you with a crossbow?

Scherbatsky! You gotta focus!

Scherbatsky?

Scooch.

Scooter, when I go off to college, that's the end for us.

Scooter, you're gonna be an umpire someday.

Screw that. This ain't over.

Screw these pancakes, I should cover you in syrup and gobble you up.

Sean, look, you're a nice guy, but I just don't...

Secretly controlling your every move...

Secrets come out in there.

See some monkeys at the zoo.

See that little hottie on the end? She's short, but has an ample bosom.

See what happens when you don't think? You do!

See what my 9.6 looks like in person, as, you know, a frame of reference.

See you guys later.

See you on the other side.

See you tonight.

See you.

See, for all your big talk about being ready for a relationship,

See, I have a girlfriend, but I'm going over to this other girl's house...

See, I have this girlfriend.

See, if you'd taken a moment to think about that...

See, Marshall and Lily had a rule that at any point during a fight,

See, Marshall had always dreamed of using his law degree

See, she was supposed to call me four hours ago to have a serious talk.

See, that's what I'm afraid of.

See, we're both impulsive

See?

See?

Seeing him with someone else and crying about it?

Self click.

Sending the storm back out into the Atlantic.

Seriously, come on.

Seriously, does my eyeliner look okay?

Seriously, it's not a big deal.

Seriously, take the place. It's yours.

Seriously. My stomach was like,

Setting the high score on Super Bomberman,

Shame, though. It was a pretty hot show tonight.

Shannon, Shannon.

SHANNON; Is your phone on?

Shannon! I love you,

Shannon! Shannon, you came back!

She and Greg dated for a while, and then split up.

She bought some expensive shoes.

She can't say it's not meant to be. It is meant to be.

She could be engaged, or married,

She couldn't make it.

She didn't run around picking nits out of people's hair

She doesn't know how much money I make.

She doesn't need a place card. She knows her name.

She gave me $50 to take a cab to the airport.

She gave me her number. But then...

She gives a great massage. Say what?

She got a new juicer. Whatever. We're gonna test it out.

She got a super important dessert scholarship.

She has a little kid named Max.

She has no idea that Ted thinks she's a hooker.

She has to move in with us.

She hates phonies. I totally hate phonies, too.

She liked dogs, She spent her summers in North Carolina,

She likes dogs, Otis Redding, does the crossword.

She likes me?

She lives in my building. She's smart. She's hot. She's totally cool.

She made that cake. Ted, this is the girl.

She made the cake!

She made the cake.

She may be 98 years old, but she still...

She might.

She must have been at their table. Maybe they know who she was.

She never showed up,

She picked up a bouquet proving she had corporeal form.

She played bass guitar, She didThe Times crossword,

She played tennis, She liked old movies, Her favorite food was lasagna,

She probably doesn't go by Ictor.

She really needs some support, or a stranger's tongue down her throat.

She said if there's no wedding tomorrow, you owe her father $400,000.

She said it'd take three days. It's been five days.

She said she'd like to see the knights of the poorly constructed round table.

She seems like she might be into me.

She should be here any second. So...

She slapped me and stormed off.

She spent a year in Antarctica studying penguins.

She spent a year in Antarctica studying penguins.

She told you and not me?

She totally wants you to come.

She wants two kids, a boy and a girl.

She was amazing and funny and we connected on every level,

She was amazing and funny and...

She was completely amazing.

She was in the middle of a heated argument with her dad,

She was right, When 2.00 a.m. rolls around,

She wasn't on the guest list, because she wasn't a guest.

She would've been absolutely perfect for you.

She wrote her number on that wrapper. Where is it?

She's a bro by extension.

She's a cat person. I don't know this girl at all.

She's a dermatologist. I have skin.

She's a slutty nurse.

She's about to get married. She's got enough to worry about.

She's always finding reasons to hug me. So tonight, we'll see...

She's bringing a date. I'm glad she's moving on.

She's coming over. Crap!

She's dead, isn't she?

She's fun, she's free spirited. She's great.

She's fun, she's smart, she lives in the moment.

She's fun, she's smart, she lives in the moment.

She's funny, she's beautiful, she loves Star Wars,

She's gonna teach me how to do a rain dance.

She's into sports,

She's leaving in half an hour.

She's made her choice, and you can finally move on.

She's not engaged. She's your soul mate.

She's not gonna break up with you, Ted. You're awesome.

She's really looking forward to this.

She's up three zip.

She's way hotter than him. How way?

Short in the front, long in the back. That is the mullet of wedding dresses.

Shot of Jim Beam?

Should I be worried?

Should I say something? I should say something, right?

Should we go to my room? I mean, there's five dogs in there, but...

Should we go?

Should we take this to the bedroom?

Should we tell him?

Should've snuck in with Brian Affleck.

Shouldn't we just beat it to death with a bat?

Show it.

Show me how good it is.

Showing your photo to random pedestrians. No takers.

Simple. Elegant.

Sit.

Sitting across the table is that guy.

Sitting next to your girlfriend, or hitting on a bridesmaid?

Sleep it off, bro.

Sleeping in your own bed, doing your own crosswords.

Slow and steady won the race.

Slow.

Slut would have been better. But I'll settle for bro.

Smiling is a part of the job.

So a new one out there could blossom.

So actually, you put it in your own head.

So admit it.

So all we need is one large shipping box and 100 white mice.

So by that logic, if you and I were to, say, go out on a date...

So don't step in a poodle.

So don't take it personally, she's just a little stressed.

So don't tell her I told you, but she's very vulnerable right now.

So go to the bathroom.

So have I. If I ask this girl to give up her dreams for me,

So he'd been interning for two months at Barney's firm,

So here I am.

So here's what I'm going to do.

So how do I keep that from happening? Simple. I make it rain.

So how'd she manage to eat so much chocolate?

So I came over here.

So I can invite whoever I want?

So I figured I should sit down,

So I gotta do this.

So I should still buy that plane ticket, right?

So I spent my nights reading, painting,

So I think a lot. I happen to have a very powerful brain.

So I'm in good hands.

So I'm not sure if this part is actually true,

So if we take into account the most recent census data,

So it is?

So it's blue skies this weekend.

So it's fine for me to make sacrifices for you, but for you, it's crazy.

So let's get to work, man. What else do you know about her?

So Marshall and Lily rediscovered their youth,

So maybe Marshall's room.

So much of your mom in you.

So now we've gone

So pee off the roof.

So should I wear my hair up or down?

So should I wear my hair up or down?

So that leaves us with...

So the message is, I should treat every woman like a whore?

So the thing that always screws it up is the next day. Right?

So there we were, Two single guys

So think about that before you use your miles to buy her a plane ticket.

So this is me, just saying it.

So this plan you speak of.

So Tropical Storm Willie is gonna be with us at least until Monday.

So we find this choice nudie nest near the airport.

So we had this instant connection.

So we should all be able to have things the way we want them.

So we talked about it and we decided to take this one slow.

So we're breaking up?

So what are you doing in Dutchess County?

So what do you think?

So what happened? She took you up to a hotel room on the first date.

So what? You want me to do a shot?

So what's this big, beautiful, romantic gesture?

So which is it, a cockroach or a mouse?

So why haven't we met him?

So you admit it. The groom should have an equal say.

So you could try to nail Robin,

So you don't want coffee?

So you got to admit, The 88 are rocking our song.

So you really don't believe in the cockamouse?

So you see why it would be a very bad idea for you to go up there,

So you spend one more amazing day together.

So you won't get hypothermia like last year.

So you're gonna be mad at me forever? What, we're not even friends now?

So you're saying you would forbid me from going.

So, Andrew, what's your big plan? What's life going to be like after tonight?

So, anyway. Here's the problem.

So, are you a friend of the bride or groom?

So, are you gonna talk to Marshall?

So, Barney, you gonna sing anything?

So, basically, it was a prom.

So, big news. I heard from umpire school. I'm in!

So, did she get the awesome care package, yet?

So, did you and Barney ever...

So, do you have any other hot single friends?

So, do you have any other hot single friends?

So, do you like Mike?

So, don't say anything... Don't say anything.

So, dude, check it. I'm in San Diego with two of my brosephs from Kappa,

So, get this. I was on a date with this girl Jackie.

So, have you thought any more about coming to work for Barney Corp?

So, here I am.

So, hey. I got a new phone.

So, how about tonight

So, how was the big phone call with your girlfriend?

So, how's it hanging? "How's it hanging?"

So, I guess if there's a lesson to be learned here, it's this,

So, I took him aside, and I got all creepy quiet

So, I was playing Ultimate Frisbee in college,

So, I was talking to her last night, and I should tell you,

So, I went out to visit and there was this party.

So, I won't be able to stay over, but, yeah, sure, I'd love to.

So, I'm just gonna hang it right here on the wall.

So, I'm just gonna keep it right here, if that's cool.

So, I'm like, "A snappa doo!"

So, I'm really excited about tomorrow, okay, bye.

So, I'm standing there,

So, I'm Ted.

So, is there anything else you need, sweetie?

So, is this how we're deciding who gets the apartment?

So, Lil, did you get the milk?

So, Love Solutions? Did you meet the love of your life?

So, Marshall, what about you?

So, my 9.6,

So, no, Lily and Marshall will not be joining us.

So, nothing for him to stand on? Okay, thanks so much.

So, one more week and it'll be a month.

So, really, the bigger mistake would be to not make the mistake

So, Robin, you ever report on train wrecks 'cause I just saw one. What up. Tiny five.

So, Sandy, what do you do?

So, Scherbatsky. Got a boyfriend?

So, Ted didn't care that you wanted to make a move on me?

So, that was a lie?

So, that's the prank? That you're not in Dutchess County?

So, that's the problem. You work on that. I'm gonna eat this cupcake.

So, that's what happened to the bouquet.

So, the dress?

So, the life of a television reporter is very rewarding,

So, then I said, your motorcycle was like that when I got here.

So, there were some unanswered questions,

So, they can suck on each others' fingers for an hour,

So, this is the Europe Germany?

So, this Italian place. How is their cannoli?

So, Uncle Marshall and Aunt Lily filled me in,

So, Victoria, did you ever re return to this guy?

So, we can sit around and cry,

So, we're going to an award show?

So, we've got the whole place to ourselves.

So, what about this party?

So, what am I doing here?

So, what are we doing today?

So, what do you and Ted usually do after the cigar bar?

So, what do you think?

So, what do you want to do next? Don't think!

So, what does a fella have to do to get lei ed around here?

So, what happened next?

So, what now, it's a cockapotatomouse?

So, what, you think fate's just going to take care of it?

So, what? You just... You said good night, came home,

So, what's the deal here? Am I getting lucky tonight?

So, what's the problem?

So, when a serious issue comes up, your response is just to avoid it?

So, when Lily and I get married,

So, where'd we land on the whole plus one thing?

So, where'd you guys go?

So, where's your costume?

So, while you may choose to turn your back on her,

So, why don't we just cut that part out?

So, why don't you come over to my apartment right now,

So, why you crying?

So, with that in mind,

So, yeah, I brought it.

So, yeah, I'm coloring in my butt.

So, yes, I know this isn't gonna work.

So, you buzzing, baby?

So, you gonna be okay hanging out with Victoria tonight?

So, you guys think I should have kissed her?

So, you just gave me your number, and your name is Amy.

So, you want to be an anthropologist?

So, you're doing this? You're going up there?

So, you're not going to tell me what you were doing

So, you're not still gonna be his roommate when he gets married, are you?

Some H&H Bagels, an Empire State Building key chain,

Somebody say beautiful princess?

Somebody spilled gorgeous all over it. Love it.

Someone get him a shot. He's thinking again.

Someone to kiss at midnight? Fine. I'll kiss you at a little bit after midnight.

Someone who I can love and cuddle.

Someone's going to move out. So, who's it going to be?

Something occurred to me,

Something went terribly wrong.

Sometimes I like to do a little catch and release.

Sometimes, even when you know something's a mistake,

Sonny, where's Cher?

Sorry about that.

Sorry about that. Summer Breeze is my guilty pleasure song.

Sorry I kept calling you like that. I was pretty drunk.

Sorry to bother you, but we've had reports of a Sasquatch loose in the building,

Sorry to bug you with my problems.

Sorry, buddy, I wish I could help you. My hands are tied.

Sorry, Carl, go on.

Sorry, don't buy it. You're making it up.

Sorry, I could tell what you were just thinking.

Sorry, I only give high twos.

Sorry, I was just being dramatic. You're not a wench.

Sorry, sorry, sorry.

Sorry, Ted, I won't be able to make Foxy Boxing tonight.

Sorry, Trudy. Go on.

Sorry.

Sorry.

Sorry.

Sounds awesome. We should go out and just get fricking weird.

Sounds like environmental law.

Sounds like you could use it.

Speak of the devil.

Speaking of easy, bridesmaids, Ted. Bridesmaids.

Speaking of which, Victoria,

Speaking.

Squirrels don't get married, Marshall.

Stairs.

Statistic. Men who have had at least one relationship with a prostitute

Stay with me, it's gonna come to me.

Still can't believe you're going all corporate on us.

Still funny.

Still wow.

Still, I've had a pretty serious week.

Still, you know, another year older. Still single.

Still... And now it's sad.

Stonehenge, Area 51, there's alien crap all over the place.

Stop being sarcastic.

Stop doing that!

Story of my life.

Stuart and I just broke up.

Stuart, don't get married.

Stuart, I don't know what to say.

Stuart, you don't have to be one or the other.

Stuart!

Suddenly we're living in two different worlds.

Suits.

Summer fellowship?

Super drunk fantastic, huh?

Sure it looks great on TV,

Sure it's good. It's solid. But a 9.6?

Sure, the more the merrier.

Sure, what's up?

Sure.

Sure.

Sure. Good luck with that.

Sure. I mean, even though we stopped having sex,

Sure. There's plenty of room in the woods.

Sweet damn, that's a hot plate!

Sweet damn, that's a hot plate!

Sweet. Thank you.

Sweetie, I'm so sorry.

Sweetie, it would be cool to have some extra money,

Table six has got three bridesmaids.

Take it slow, Robin. Take it slow.

Take the damn picture.

Tarzan nipple blue.

Taxi!

Taxi!

Ted and I'll go and try to talk some sense into Stuart.

Ted falls in love. Love kicks Ted in the sprouts.

Ted going all castrati over yet another girl is exactly not a good cause.

Ted out. To overthink.

Ted up, to overthink something with disastrous results.

Ted went to a lot of trouble to make this an awesome New Year's.

Ted,

Ted, as your mentor and spiritual guide, I forbid you from calling her.

Ted, can I talk to you outside for a second?

Ted, come on, we have an hour and a half before midnight,

Ted, do you remember in college,

Ted, do you want me to slap you again? 'Cause I kind of enjoyed it the first time.

Ted, doesn't Victoria deserve to know that you once had the hots for Robin?

Ted, for the last time, stop...

Ted, have you ignored all of my teachings?

Ted, he's right. You over think. Maybe you should over drink.

Ted, how do I explain this to you?

Ted, I believe you and I met for a reason.

Ted, I can't wait any longer.

Ted, I do more research than this before buying a cell phone.

Ted, I don't want to swear in front of Korean Elvis,

Ted, I have to go. It's a company camping trip.

Ted, I love you. I love Robin.

Ted, I think you and I should have a talk...

Ted, I'm a paralegal.

Ted, I'm getting married in two months,

Ted, I'm gonna head out.

Ted, I'm so sorry.

Ted, it's a simile.

Ted, it's okay. I'm fine.

Ted, let's go to New Haven.

Ted, look. I have lunch. Please.

Ted, look. Look, Ted. The second hottest bridesmaid!

Ted, look. See you, Ted.

Ted, no. Let it go.

Ted, pee off the roof.

Ted, Sergei says stop moping around. You're distracting him from his process.

Ted, she is going on that camping trip.

Ted, Ted, Ted, look. I got a bridesmaid.

Ted, the only reason to wait a month for sex

Ted, the slutty pumpkin is not coming.

Ted, the universe clearly does not want you and Robin to be together.

Ted, there are absolutely no women out there for you.

Ted, think about it this way,

Ted, this is funny.

Ted, waiting naked in a girl's bed

Ted, we've only been dating for two months.

Ted, what makes you cry?

Ted, why don't you just talk to him? He's your best friend.

Ted, you can't do this. Please.

Ted, you know what's in the back of your brain?

Ted, you need a lady, and I've got the next best thing. Mary.

Ted, you're a great guy. I know it. You know it. She knows it.

Ted, you're forcing me to be the voice of reason.

Ted, you're gonna have to find another gender for yourself

Ted, you're my cabrón,

Ted, your problem is all you do is think, think, think.

TED; And I drank,

TED; And then, just when I was about to lose hope,

TED; Did you talk to Marshall about it? LIL Y; He wouldn't have understood,

TED; I stole a blue French horn for her, and it almost worked,

TED; I was at this Halloween party up on the roof of our building,

TED; Kahlúa, Root beer,

TED; Previously on How I Met Your Mother.

TED; Robin! Come hang out!

TED; She was completely amazing,

TED; So, we're at the bar and I see her mix

TED; Until our dying days, we'll remember everything about that night

TED; We all ended up at the bar with our cabdriver, Ranjit,

TED: I love you, too, Marshmallow.

TED: I'm coming at you!

TED: Lily?

TED: Moby. Hey, Moby!

TED: No, no turning back. Ranjit, party number three.

TED: Please don't do that.

Ted! Hurry! You got to help me, my boat is sinking.

Ted! If you wanted to be married by now, you would be, but you're not.

Ted! You did not check plus one!

Ted?

Ted?

Ted? You still with us?

Ted.

Ted.

Ted. Oh, my gosh, I love this moment.

Ted's phone.

Teenagers tell each other to get laid the summer before college.

Telepathic conversations,

Tell Claudia I'm sorry.

Tell him, Marshall.

Tell me about it. That cake! Best cake I ever had.

Tell me your last name.

Tell your friends.

Terrific. Look, I should run.

Than Ted and Victoria. Now look at us.

Thank God!

Thank you so much for the delicious cookies.

Thank you,

Thank you, everyone. Thank you, everyone. It's been fun.

Thank you, kind sir!

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you. Finally, somebody understands Marshgammon.

Thanks for listening, Barney.

Thanks for not calling me and good night.

Thanks, Carl.

Thanks, Carl.

Thanks, guys, we just need a minute. Sort of a big life decision.

Thanks, Marshmallow.

Thanks.

Thanks.

Thanks.

Thanks.

Thanks.

Thanks. And thanks for sticking around tonight.

Thanks. Anyway, it's almost 11:00. I should let you go.

Thanks. I feel a lot better.

Thanks. I never tire of hearing that.

Thanks. You're right. I'm being crazy.

Thanks. You're very sweet.

That all the best things in life happen after 2:00 a.m.

That cake really got to you, huh?

That came out wrong.

That can't be right. Eight? Really, eight?

That doesn't mean that this won't work.

That doesn't mean that this won't work.

That ever happened to me.

That girl in there is alive, right?

That girl you used to go out with, Penelope.

That goes on for three and a half minutes.

That guy's a riot, where is he?

That I should just be mad at you.

That I used to have a kind of thing for Robin,

That is bad.

That is exactly what I want right now. And so what?

That is funny.

That is I think.

That is like high school literary magazine bad!

That is low. Do you really think that's what he's doing?

That is nothing but how you feel.

That is sick!

That is so true, Ellen.

That is the greatest story ever!

That is the lamest, most pathetic cop out in the book.

That is why we're best friends.

That it's leaning starboard at a 45 degree angle.

That it's the greatest pickup line of all time.

That just means were gonna have to party that much harder.

That leaves us with 482,000.

That love is not a science.

That may be true.

That my fiancé ran me through with a fricking broadsword!

That night, I recorded my video and mailed it to Shannon,

That seems healthy.

That seems to be one step ahead of you,

That should be the easiest thing in the world.

That tastes like cough syrup.

That the best way to get over a failed relationship

That the original bro went bare pickle in front of her.

That this night would be a turning point,

That this was the night my life, my real life, would finally begin,

That those rare times when we do open up,

That was awkward.

That was five years ago.

That was like a declawed, pregnant cat on a porch swing idly swatting at a fly

That was the universe.

That was the whole point of the night. I've just been saved from myself.

That way I have a second chance to make a first impression.

That we could forget such a turbulent time in our political history.

That we know are gonna disappear eventually.

That weirds me out.

That worked? I hate the world.

That would be great.

That you and I are a 9.6. Your fiancé's only an 8.5.

That you weren't supposed to, but you did?

That's a handy new trick.

That's a perfect cocktail. Shake well, then sleep with.

That's a woman.

That's adorable. Ted, you're such a hayseed.

That's been his pattern. This is war, Eriksen.

That's cool.

That's crazy. That could've been my kid.

That's every girl in the bar wanting you, and every guy wanting to be you.

That's great. I'll tell Lily to tell me.

That's great. You're right.

That's her napkin.

That's how it's supposed to be. That right there.

That's impossible. That simply can't happen.

That's it. I know what you're jonesing for.

That's just a great use of the pause function, baby.

That's just crazy.

That's just how life works sometimes,

That's just terrible.

That's just... That's...

That's just... That's... Two vodka cranberries, please.

That's like bringing a deer carcass on a hunting trip. Oh, Ted. Oh, Ted.

That's Marshall's phone.

That's not your phone.

That's okay, guys, I hate it.

That's racism.

That's right.

That's right. I just got paid for sex.

That's some pretty grown up stuff we did this morning.

That's the plan.

That's us.

That's very sweet, but I'm actually getting married on Saturday.

That's what I thought, too. Then I got this e mail from Butterfield.

That's why not.

The 18th can't get here fast enough.

The answer may surprise you. After the break.

The Barnacle.

The best I can give you is a fake smile and dead eyes.

The best part of any first kiss is the lead up to it.

The best relationships are the ones that just come naturally,

The biggest favor anyone's ever done me.

The characters, yours truly and a raven haired au pair by the...

The companionship business is the growth industry of the 21st century.

The computer is still crunching the numbers.

The cough is supposed to cover the "lesbian."

The crab puffs were incredible.

The destruction of the rainforests will continue,

The doctor will see you now.

The dress I wore to my actual prom.

The dress. We got a dress.

The fact is, I don't know how I feel.

The first kiss,

The first night together,

The first weekend together,

The flame of our romance is flickering

The former Soviet Republic of Drunk off her ass istan?

The funny thing is, I wasn't totally wrong,

The guest list has been closed for months. Months.

The guy you left stranded by the side of the road.

The guys I work with are a bunch of jerks.

The hard way is that I stomp the crap out of you myself.

The irony is clear, Ted.

The Kid has become the man.

The kids still call him Funny Butt.

The kids' naptime.

The lemon law. It's gonna be a thing.

The Liberty Bell incident, the little sc**** I got in at the Russian embassy,

The memory of you walking out that door.

The meter's running, dude. Crap or get off the pot.

The moment right before the lips touch.

The more I try to picture her, the more I can't.

The most awesome party in New York City,

The most low budget cable news channel ever,

The museum, The bridge, The restaurant,

The new album is great. It's all smooth and polished.

The night started like any other, We were downstairs at the bar,

The night was legendary,

The No. 2. A.k. A the Torpedo.

The only thing that got me through was

The only thing you can do. Tell Robin she can't come.

The package?

The package. The house, the car, sending your kids to a great school.

The Peace Corps is the most noble thing a person can do.

The people looked the same, it all looked the same,

The point is, I wanna get married. I want to settle down.

The point is, maybe it's time for some healthy communication.

The point is, something good's gonna happen to me.

The point is, that even though Lily is my soul mate,

The point is... How long has it been?

The porcelain keeps the suit from wrinkling.

The problem is you can't do any of that couple stuff

The question is, do these strategies ever not work for me?

The real Ted sounds real sexy.

The Rebellion would've failed without the Ewoks.

The rhythmic give and take of our improvised banter there at the end

The similarities go on and on.

The stars line up,

The story's not over. I did see Shannon one more time.

The stupid school board took away naptime in all kindergarten classes,

The stupidest thing I've ever done,

The thing about Robin?

The thing's in two hours.

The travel, the bohemian art life, my big lesbian experience.

The trick is to bend the aircraft carrier so it makes an "L."

The universe was working on something,

The whole time?

The whole time.

The whole world full of endless possibilities.

Then Daddy wouldn't have gotten this seven digit Father's Day card from Amy.

Then damn it, so can I!

Then he's gonna kill Ted.

Then I found this art fellowship,

Then I guess it's not meant to be.

Then I guess you're gonna have to call me.

Then I say we follow it up with a "t's go home."

Then I should probably duck into the VIP room.

Then I'm gonna kill Ted.

Then one of us is gonna have to have sex with Ted

Then she's not the one.

Then what am I gonna do?

Then who do you live with?

Then why did you hide her from me?

Then why don't you tell us your most humiliating moment, Marshall?

Then you "Marshall Out," and all your chips go into the pot.

Then you gotta drink.

Then, when I least expected it...

Then, yeah, it's like the Loch Ness monster.

There are eight fish in that big, blue ocean, Ted.

There are new women turning 18 every day.

There are no women out there for me? I thought you said there were eight.

There are, like, a zillion gay pirates this year.

There is one other thing we could do. If you're up for it.

There is still so much we don't know.

There occurred a game changing emergency,

There she goes.

There she is. Your soul mate. That'll be 500 bucks.

There was a cancellation two months from now.

There was no time.

There was no Victoria at the wedding.

There. I got this one.

There's a 9.6 right there.

There's a cab over there,

There's a Channel 1? Back of the line.

There's a girl in your bed.

There's a guy in there who won't let me into the stupid VIP room.

There's a rock star.

There's always one couple with similar taste

There's Barney.

There's been a crazy accident and you have to go.

There's Erica in Tokyo. There's Laura in Denmark.

There's garlic fries.

There's just so much to do for this wedding. My head is swirling

There's no way Claudia has been drunk for three years.

There's no way you're having a baby while you're still in law school.

There's one apartment in particular, that will always be our apartment,

There's seven chicks here.

There's six chicks here.

There's still so much I want to do.

There's sugar in the basket.

There's this girl...

These are my glasses!

These are the kinds of things I think about.

These brats have us completely surrounded!

These clubs are supposed to be fun, right? Why do I hate them so much?

These guys got us back together.

These look kind of like blood.

These strategies ever work for you?

These women are experts.

They all dress like strippers. It's go ho or go home.

They all drink vodka cranberries.

They can guess your net annual income just by looking at your underwear.

They could pause and take a break, Their fights often lasted for days,

They grow up into skanks so fast, don't they, Ted?

They must've heard that.

They sent you a notice about this.

They think we went away.

They want me to anchor the news tonight.

They were found guilty. On three counts of rocking.

They were great.

They'll all be dead by then.

They'll do lab experiments on it. That's so mean.

They'll just see you with this unbelievably smoking hot girl and...

They'll know that we've been sitting in the bathroom the whole time.

They're all here tonight,

They're announcing it next week. Act surprised.

They're edging me out. They're totally edging me out.

They're going to have to come over here and audition.

They're gonna stop global warming.

They're great when they happen, but they're not real.

They're not edging me out. Marshall's my best friend.

They're not going to stop till you give me your number.

They're this awesome band. They played my law review party.

They're watching Claire's ultrasound video.

They're with me.

They've done so much for me lately.

They've gotta come out soon. It's Monday.

Things with Victoria were fun, And easy, And uncomplicated,

Think about it. This is perfect.

Think it was kind of weird that Ted didn't invite me out with him?

This better be good. I'm about to enter Nirvana.

This brain is unstoppable! This brain...

This brain, dear mortals, is no ordinary brain.

This could be the year.

This feud goes so far back I can't remember who fired the first shot.

This friend of mine once waited outside for two hours, couldn't get in.

This girl, despite what she did for a living, was kind of great,

This girl, she represents something to me.

This has been a wonderful evening.

This hornet's nest looks harmless.

This is a big, romantic wedding.

This is a cool mix.

This is a job for me, Barney.

This is a motivational poster?

This is a suit for winners. I am getting you an interview at my office.

This is a super brain.

This is bad.

This is embarrassing. I got highlights.

This is fine. This is totally fine.

This is gonna be a slaughter.

This is gonna sound crazy,

This is important to the story,

This is Mary, my date.

This is my apartment.

This is nice.

This is not gonna be some funny story that we'll be telling in a couple months.

This is one of those things you have to do before you turn 30.

This is pathetic. It's guys' night. We should be out in a bar getting in fights.

This is so Trudy. She's really shy. I think.

This is some solid small talk.

This is stupid.

This is Ted Mosby talking!

This is the high point of my day.

This is what happens when you, you know, let them finish baking.

This is what happens when you, you know, let them finish baking.

This isn't hopeless. You're gonna find someone for me.

This isn't my phone.

This moment is fleeting

This one goes out to that redhead girl and that tall guy.

This party sucks.

This phone

This steak totally bitch slapped my pork chops.

This was finally supposed to be my big moment with Robin,

This was the way to find out.

This wasn't how I'd thought the night would turn out,

This way, if you pass out in the gutter...

This wedding does sound pretty amazing though.

This wedding is both indoors and amazing.

This whole thing's made me realize I miss being single.

This year, we party together, or not at all.

This'll be nice. The three of us living together.

Those are the three options.

Those five shots got you farther with Robin than your brain ever did.

Those two eights right over there. Yeah.

Those were the four greatest and only breasts I have ever seen.

Though you kind of ruined my customized Scherbatsky doormat.

Thousands died in a tragic avalanche today.

Thousands of apartments, Millions of stories,

Three! You got "Autobiography."

Three.

Time's running out, Scherbatsky. Last chance for the lemon law.

To be even more honest, I am.

To bring some other girl to my wedding and now, what, you're over her?

To chase some guy I'd only known two months.

To come down here and party with my bro.

To get the name of your guest, so I could have the place cards printed up.

To give my friends a great New Year's Eve,

To one hell of a night!

To protect the environment,

To realize there will be no date number two?

To the car.

To the lemon law.

To the most awesomely mellow anniversary ever.

To those people I say, "Is it?"

To try to hook up with me.

Todd and Valerie were that couple,

Todd and Valerie?

Todd. Valerie.

Tomorrow morning, Barney's going to send out the package,

Tomorrow, I'm taking you to my personal tailor.

Tomorrow. Noon. My tailor.

Tonight we celebrate the very best in broadcasting

Tonight, I'm going up to the roof,

Tonight, Mike was willing to look like a complete idiot for me,

Tonight, we will make a memory that will never be tarnished.

Tonight?

Tons of other couples have peed in front of each other.

Too bad the swords are there. We kind of love those swords.

Too great.

Toodle oo!

Totally gave us his blessing.

Totally subtle. Totally cool. Not pushing. Not even nudging.

Totally what I was thinking. Get out of my head, man.

Totally.

Totally. Let's let those guys handle it.

Tracy, could you come in here, please?

Translation: She's ugly, she's ugly, she ugs in the ugly.

Trapped on his whirling carousel of suits, and cigars,

Trespassing, assaulting a minor.

Troilus and Cressida, Neighborhood Playhouse.

Trudy, come on out.

Trudy! Come on out.

Trudy?

Trudy. My name is Trudy.

Trust me. By the end of the night, your chad will not be hanging.

Truthfully, in order to move on.

Trying to stave off divorce.

Turns out all I had to do was make it rain,

Twenty eight. Two more until the big one. Three O.

Twenty four hours ago, you were begging, begging me

Twice?

Two beautiful flowers for two beautiful flowers.

Two days straight!

Two Jessicas. You gotta pick one. What do you do? Go.

Two months, baby. Two months.

Two months.

Two months.

Two more vodka cranberries, please.

Two souls

Two.

Uh huh. So, then, the oldest profession would be fisherman. Kaboom!

Uh oh.

Uh oh.

Uh oh.

Um, listen, I know it's late, but do you want to come over?

Um, there's gonna be this big banquet.

Um, yes.

Unadulterated, awesome.

Uncle Marshall still refers to it as the "pineapple incident,"

Understandably, she freaked out, and I left,

Universe.

Unless you have a compatibility rating of 7.0 or higher. And look.

Unless you have someone to do it with.

Unless you're looking for trouble.

Unless your dating life is the glue holding the entire universe together.

Unless, of course, you're chasing after somebody

Unlike Aunt Lily,

Unlike you and sadly my fiancé.

Unlucky for you, there was no Victoria at my wedding. Goodbye, Ted.

Until he does something big and passive aggressive.

Until Ted moves his mojo into the bedroom.

Until you power down that bucket of neuroses, inebriation style.

Until you're in a serious relationship with someone else?

Up on the roof, so that's where I'll be.

Us? What would we do?

Usually. The setting, Martha's Vineyard, 1999.

Vampire Lou, would you do the honors?

Van Smoot!

Victoria, I deem your offering worthy.

Victoria, I'm sorry I haven't told you this yet, but a while back,

Victoria, that was an honest and mature answer.

Victoria, what's wrong?

VICTORIA: Hello?

VICTORIA: Okay, how about this?

Victoria.

Victoria.

Victoria.

Victoria's great, but it's Robin!

Victoria's Secret models prancing around in bras and panties,

Video's pretty good on this phone, huh?

Vomit free since '05 doesn't sound good.

Vomit free since '93. That's funny. I'm funny!

Wait a minute.

Wait for it.

Wait, are we breaking up?

Wait, are we breaking up?

Wait, but if it's not here, that means...

Wait, Claudia. Claudia would know.

Wait, eight years. That's this year.

Wait, her apartment?

Wait, how can a pumpkin costume be sexy?

Wait, really? Great.

Wait, the 18th?

Wait, the card actually says Ted?

Wait, then you're still getting married?

Wait, this is killing me. We have to find out who that girl is.

Wait, wait, wait.

Wait, were you here when I went to the bathroom

Wait, what if somebody else told their most humiliating story?

Wait, you're really going out with a billionaire?

Wait! She was sitting across from a couple of bridesmaids.

Wait. Gay pirate? Where are you getting that from?

Wait. My eyes or my testicles?

Wait. So I'm the only one that she didn't tell?

Wait. What are you doing here? Lily let you go?

Wanna drink the melty part?

Want a nip?

Wanted this phone instead.

Was it invented by a woman named Carrie Okie?

Was taking care of it,

Was that chick at the end really a client?

Was that necessary? He is not making smart decisions.

Was there anyone else in there with me?

Wasn't she getting her PhD in Native American culture?

Waste another precious Halloween.

Way way.

We agreed to be friends, and now you're making it all confusing.

We always had field hockey nationals in the spring.

We are so gonna win the costume contest this year.

We believe.

We both think the marriage commitment thing's a drag.

We both want something casual and fun. And we clearly get along really well.

We broke up.

We called it Shocky,

We can get rejected by supermodels any night of the year.

We can have you guys arrested, you know that?

We can't get anywhere with our wedding plans

We can't just be friends! We're attracted to each other.

We can't sneak her in. We're not ninjas.

We could buy an apartment, send our kids to good schools.

We didn't realize it till after we bought them.

We didn't really get a chance to meet. I'm Lily, and this is my fiancé, Marshall.

We don't even know if they can play our song.

We don't have that kind of money.

We don't want to alarm you, but he's been spotted on your floor,

We don't want to mess things up for Lily.

We fast forward eight years into the future.

We found her, sir, We found your soul mate,

We get sued. A lot.

We got a room.

We got five parties to hit, and three hours to do it.

We got it at this little bakery downtown.

We got to make a decision. Todd and Valerie are in motion.

We had an amazing kiss on the roof,

We had sex twice in your car and then you dumped me.

We have kids, we grow old together. What's decided? It's wide open!

We just agreed on something.

We just chitchatted, and I borrowed her lipstick.

We just earned a huge chunk of story.

We just stick with the drum roll.

We just wanted to get a picture

We knew this going in. We're a man down.

We live in an apartment with swords on the wall.

We look forward to hearing from you, Bye bye,

We love tiramisu.

We love tiramisu.

We move into my dad's house in Staten Island.

We need good men like you in our legal department.

We need to get back on schedule.

We never see him in the daylight, only after dark.

We only just started being friends again.

We should just break up right now.

We should let it breathe for about 30 minutes.

We should probably figure that out.

We should totally have them at our wedding.

We still get together like once a month to chat and catch up,

We still got the "gen," the "da," the "ry."

We still on for karaoke?

We talked for a while. How hard long distance is,

We totally have to get that brown dipping sauce.

We were bros! These swords represent our bro hood.

We were fighting to see who gets the apartment. And I won.

We were having a conversation about prostitution.

We were in Queens and we decided to stop by my apartment.

We were just upstairs watching TV.

We weren't exclusive.

We will hit all five parties before midnight,

We'd be just getting there now, all tired and cranky.

We'll be at party number three in no time.

We'll call the hotel. Maybe she was staying there.

We'll go get pizza later, all right? Just stay...

We'll have them check the registry for anyone named Victoria.

We'll just start. You guys will pick it up. Newbie goes first.

We'll look back on this night,

We'll meet our soul mates, nail them, and never call them again.

We'll meet up tomorrow to discuss it.

We'll see about that.

We'll wait here.

We're basically an old married couple and we're not even married yet.

We're both available. We're both attractive. We're both good at it.

We're breaking up? But what about the Peace Corps?

We're breaking up. I'm doing this right now.

We're crazy for the stuff.

We're deciding right now who gets this apartment.

We're even getting to that point where we finish each other's...

We're going to the Berkshires for the maple syrup harvest.

We're gonna be on the phone for at least 20 minutes.

We're gonna have some bad ass winetastings.

We're having so much fun. You, me, working together. It's great.

We're her bitches, too.

We're just at that place in our strong friendship.

We're just friends.

We're kind of swamped.

We're not co workers. Will you please have dinner with me?

We're not even working together, Barney. I'm in the legal department and you're...

We're not getting any pizza.

We're not getting married for, like, a year.

We're not gonna kiss tonight.

We're not quitting just 'cause Ted's so far ahead.

We're not really ready to go public yet.

We're not sneaking into a high school prom.

We're not that careful with our birth control! Two, zip.

We're on pause. There's no crying in pause land.

We're only just getting to know each other.

We're pretty hungry. When do we get our pizza?

We're really starting to click with these guys.

We're still engaged, even if she's out...

We're young. We're drunk. Half of us, anyway.

We're young. We're drunk. Half of us, anyway.

We're young. We're drunk. Half of us, anyway.

We've been talking on the phone every other night,

We've been up here for the past hour making complete asses of ourselves.

We've gone nine years without peeing in front of each other.

We've had a good run. Why end on a fight?

Wearing whipped cream undies does not work.

Welcome to the 45th annual Local Area Media Awards,

Welcome.

Well, actually, I've got five dogs.

Well, actually, Marshall and I have this little dance routine we do...

Well, after that rather unpsyching experience,

Well, after the newscast I was so excited,

Well, are they playing anywhere this weekend?

Well, as tempting as that sounds,

Well, boys, looks like it's just the three of us.

Well, by some million to one long shot, and I'm not rooting for this,

Well, Claudia's on her honeymoon. She'll be back in two weeks.

Well, Derek and I just broke up.

Well, did I bring it,

Well, except for the goat in my bathroom, Which is a great story,

Well, good night.

Well, here's the thing. Those big, romantic moments,

Well, hold on, man. Maybe it's not such a bad idea to think about this one.

Well, I believe that you saw something perfectly normal,

Well, I came home and I found him waiting in my apartment

Well, I don't know if she is. It's still too early. But, yeah, she could be.

Well, I don't think so. I earned it. Fair and square. I'm calling you.

Well, I figured if I'm gonna do this, I'm gonna do this right.

Well, I guess I'm just better friends with her than you are.

Well, I guess we can come out now.

Well, I hate to take his side. But, come on, a winetasting?

Well, I just finally set up my new juicer,

Well, I just think that maybe she's not that into you.

Well, I know that the P is Penis.

Well, I like it.

Well, I teach kindergarten,

Well, I think you guys look great.

Well, I thought marriage was about two equal partners sharing a life together.

Well, I was in a really crappy relationship in college,

Well, I'd give you the "I don't date co workers" speech again,

Well, I'll tell you what. I'm gonna go kiss her. Right now.

Well, I'm a news anchor.

Well, I'm always putting my career ahead of my relationships

Well, I'm better friends with Ted than you are.

Well, I'm glad we got to spend the day doing awesome air kicks.

Well, I'm gonna be late. You guys have fun.

Well, I'm here at party number three and...

Well, I'm pretty drunk.

Well, I'm shipping out pretty early.

Well, if a magazine says so, we should go get married in the woods,

Well, if he needs a transplant, he can have mine.

Well, if it's not yes then it's a no.

Well, if we leave now

Well, is there any chance that you would move to Germany with me?

Well, is Uncle Rudy gonna be okay?

Well, it certainly was a first.

Well, it sounds kind of like peer pressure.

Well, it won't work.

Well, it's a nice place.

Well, it's almost 3:00. Got a massage. Toodles!

Well, it's just an internship for the record for everybody...

Well, it's not fair to compare us to Ted and Victoria.

Well, it's okay.

Well, it's too late now.

Well, jeans will only get you so far. I'm going home with him.

Well, just to be fair, it didn't go all the way through.

Well, just use this wood glue. It'll hold.

Well, let's dig in, Microwave Oven.

Well, like today at lunch.

Well, look, if you absolutely must bring Ted,

Well, look, if you would just help me fill out these forms,

Well, look, let's just have a few drinks. We'll relax...

Well, look, we'll just swing by Moby's party, and then, afterwards...

Well, looks like it's gonna be just you and me.

Well, lucky for you. I know that guest list backwards and forwards.

Well, moving past the horrifying image of your hair helmet

Well, my firm bought out the company.

Well, no. Now she doesn't.

Well, she kept talking about this cheesy French guy, Gabrielle.

Well, she wasn't always that way.

Well, stay tuned. I'm working on some stuff.

Well, still, legally they can't just toss you out on the street, you have a lease.

Well, Ted, I mean, I've been going on dates since I was 15.

Well, thank you for acknowledging it. It's weird that you hadn't.

Well, thanks, Stu. It's gonna be a great wedding.

Well, thanks.

Well, that explains the ankle.

Well, that... That's serious boyfriends. I've dated other guys in between.

Well, that's just crazy.

Well, that's sweet and odd, but I'm kind of on a date right now.

Well, then I have to say no.

Well, then we couldn't go anywhere that's supposed to be fun.

Well, then why did you have me drink it?

Well, then, choosing Ted over your career doesn't make you un feminist.

Well, then, where are you gonna park your car?

Well, there's Ninja,

Well, they don't know that. All we have to do is hide out in here

Well, they're just patching her up. She's gonna be fine.

Well, those swords have been up there a long time.

Well, wait.

Well, we all have embarrassing stories. Sometimes it's good to talk about it.

Well, we can't.

Well, we did promise them one dance.

Well, we have to get in. I have to see this band,

Well, we know it's not Moby, and it's not Tony.

Well, we know that there is no such thing as the cockamouse.

Well, we still have one frontier left. Still got the deuce.

Well, what about the guy you set her up with? Is he a 9.6 compatibility rating?

Well, what happened to Sandy?

Well, what happened?

Well, what if I'm just a cold person.

Well, what would you want to do?

Well, who uses ink?

Well, wow, look at that.

Well, yeah, I'm bringing a date.

Well, yeah, that's cats. I'm not some pathetic cat lady.

Well, you know, I got it all worked out.

Well, you make a good bro. You're a better Ted than Ted.

Well, you're gonna need to get in touch with her.

Well.

Well.

What a sad commentary on our national attention span,

What about us changing the world together?

What advice do you have for a budding anthropologist?

What am I doing in the ladies' room?

What are the odds?

What are you doing here?

What are you doing in the men's room?

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

What are you going as? Oh, like I even need to ask.

What are you guys up to? Dress shopping.

What are you talking about?

What are you... Come on.

What be a pirate's favorite kind of sweater?

What could she possibly have to say to me that she couldn't write in an e mail?

What did you do this weekend?

What did you guys talk about in there, anything interesting?

What did you have for lunch today?

What do I get, right? I get to be unmarried, alone, minus two roommates,

What do you do? Go.

What do you do? Go.

What do you expect from me? It's Robin!

What do you mean "we," white man?

What do you mean could?

What do you say?

What do you say?

What do you want from me? People break up. It happens.

What does a paralegal do exactly?

What else could it be?

What else?

What happened to Shocky?

What happened to that cutlet you were grinding with?

What happened?

What happened?

What I didn't realize was it was a shared bathroom,

What I don't get is why is Claudia marrying Stuart?

What I should do is just tell him who Victoria is, so he can be happy.

What if you decide to go be a painter,

What is all of this?

What is wrong with you?

What it's really asking is,

What say we get these crazy kids back together.

What should I do? I should totally go down there, right?

What the hell?

What the hell?

What the hell?

What the... Joke's on you. I have a cold.

What up! Freeze frame, high five!

What up?

What up?

What was her name? Is it my fat cousin Lindsey?

What was it?

What was that?

What we don't know is what you guys have been smoking.

What were you guys talking about over there?

What you got there, Eriksen? Mommy pack your lunch?

What, the karaoke?

What, those things coming out of his head? Those were antennae.

What, you don't think you'd need my help? Hey, you don't know what I can do.

What, you done? Great.

What, you have some puritanical hang up about prostitution?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What? I did the opposite! I threw some other girl at you!

What? It's like fat pants.

What? No!

What? No!

What? No. Can't you just call Marshall?

What? No. It's 2:30.

What? Oh, no. That was Ted. He's just a friend.

What? She thought it was hilarious.

What? Stuart doesn't get a say?

What? There's only one reason he's taking her to this dinner,

What? Why?

What? Why?

What? You said she's fine. So, anyway, I was on a date with this girl Jackie.

What'd she say? What'd she say?

What's a 16?

What's decided? I go to umpire school, you go to college.

What's fine?

What's going on? Did I just have a stroke?

What's gonna change in three months?

What's it to you, giant turtle?

What's it to you, giant turtle?

What's she eating?

What's that, left hand? Right hand sucks?

What's that?

What's that? Self five? Nice. We out.

What's the big plan for next Saturday? Scrabble night?

What's the hard way? Security roughs me up and tosses me out?

What's the slutty pumpkin?

What's up? You going somewhere?

What's with inviting Punky Brewster?

What's with the face?

What's wrong, baby?

What's wrong? What's the matter?

What's...

Whatever anthropology you do at work is your business.

Whatever. Whatever. I don't care what you think.

Whatevs. As long as you're nailing that.

When Dr., Birnholz Vazquez

When I get there, but I gotta give it a shot.

When I got an e mail,

When I look back at the best stories of my life,

When I saw you doing the Chicken Dance out there,

When I was still out there searching, I learned something valuable.

When I was young,

When it comes to you, how can I forget?

When it's after 2.00 a.m. just go to sleep,

When it's after 2.00 a.m.,

When Lily did that summer art program in Paris?

When Robin strolled into the bar and said...

When she's supporting you on a kindergarten teacher's salary,

When someone says you're gonna meet the perfect woman in three days,

When the tears come.

When were you gonna tell me you changed your entire career path?

When you fall in love with someone, an 8.5 equals a perfect 10.

When you graduate, we want you working with us.

When you left me for that guy Greg, it changed me.

When you wear jeans to a strip club.

Where are you? Why haven't you called?

Where do you see yourself in three months?

Where does she get off?

Where I make an actual contribution to the world.

Where I make an actual contribution to the world.

Where is my stuff?

Where nothing at all that monumental happens,

Where they lower the helmet onto Darth Vader's head?

Where your next thousand lays are coming from.

Where's my purse, where's my... No, I'm okay.

Where's the Kit Kat? Where's the Kit Kat?

Where's the tape?

Where's the...

Where's your costume, Gretel?

Whether you're going to commit to an entire evening.

Which cost $10.50 at the freaking airport bar...

Which he took to mean, "Invent your own game,"

Which is great and everything, but

Which is just so much easier.

Which means, you owe me...

Which one are you gonna tell him?

While you're off in court,

Who co opt it to get laid.

Who I teach not to run with scissors,

Who I thought should replace me as lead anchor.

Who knew being in a committed heterosexual relationship

Who knows?

Who says sexual can't be sensible?

Who take their job of saving the Earth very, very seriously.

Who the hell am I gonna bring to this wedding?

Who was beneath my level of attractiveness.

Who was supposed to call four hours ago,

Who was that guy?

Who works on New Year's Eve?

Who would never let any guy mess with my career,

Who... Was that Korean Elvis?

Who's already done it, and then I think it's okay.

Who's gonna make you wanna look like a complete idiot.

Who's it gonna be? Barney? You know, he cooks naked.

Who's there? Angelina Jolie, wait, in a wheelchair.

Who's up for hanging out?

Whoa, chills. Anybody else get chills?

Whoa, I wouldn't do that if I were you. There's people walking down there.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Let's not skip over this.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. What's her take on Ewoks?

Whoa! That is a butt Ioad of motivational posters.

Why are you becoming this person?

Why are you sleeping in our tub?

Why can't I be Gretel?

Why can't you?

Why did he think he could build his own helicopter?

Why did I say that? I think frosting makes me lie.

Why do people always round up?

Why do they call it "karaoke," anyhow?

Why don't I want that more?

Why don't we just dance and have a great time?

Why don't we just make it tomorrow night?

Why don't you ask the new substitute weekend anchor?

Why don't you just check out the girl's reflection in the bar mirror?

Why don't you take this?

Why not?

Why not?

Why should I have to go home?

Why this time?

Why, is that so odd?

Why, yes, I am.

Why?

Why?

Why? Is that your girlfriend?

Why? She sounds perfect.

Why? You'd rather be out at some dance club?

Will hacky sack you straight out the door.

Will you be bringing a guest or will you be attending alone?

Will you taste this latte for me? I think they gave me decaf.

Wine not. Wow, that's the stupidest thing I ever said.

Wish there was something I could do.

With a string quartet and roses and chocolates...

With bleach stains on it.

With little snowflakes on them.

With our no attention span society.

With popcorn shrimp mounds and butter sauce rivers.

With strings.

With the Ashlee and the Lindsay and the Paris?

With the woman who almost ended our relationship.

With three other guys.

With your fiancé thinks we're a better match.

Without a breath? That's gotta be some kind of record.

Without me, there's the door.

Woe is me! I'm not married yet! My ovaries are shrinking!

Word.

Worth every penny, bro.

Would you please inform Mr. Eriksen that I'm no longer speaking to him?

Would you sit on the couch and cry about it,

Wouldn't want to be around for that, would we?

Wow yourself. Look who else brought it.

Wow, a lot more security than when we were kids.

Wow, good question.

Wow, I'm 28.

Wow, it took five shots of tequila to get you in that position.

Wow, Jackie. You make a really great first impression.

Wow, please stop.

Wow, right. That's why we don't do shots.

Wow, Ted, you were right. You shouldn't have told that story.

Wow, Ted. Sounds like you're her perfect woman.

Wow, that actually did make a lot of sense.

Wow, that was really awkward, Lil.

Wow, that's hard to say without sounding sarcastic.

Wow, the Peace Corps?

Wow, this is kind of exciting. Our names will forever be shrouded in...

Wow, what was I just thinking?

Wow, you're good.

Wow!

Wow!

Wow! It's, uh, nice to meet you, too.

Wow! Nine years? Your relationship's a fourth grader.

Wow! This is huge.

Wow! Wow, thanks for being so cool about this.

Wow! Your room must smell like a monkey cage.

Wow.

Wow.

Wow.

Wow.

Wow. "Ma'am?" Check and mate.

Wow. Hey, Thelma, Louise, y'all don't drive off no cliffs now, you hear?

Wow. Thanks.

Wow. That sounds awesome.

Wow. That's a pretty sophisticated trap.

Wow. That's hauntingly beautiful.

Wow. This sundae looks so good, I could eat the whole thing.

Wow. Why are you so tired?

Wow. You guys are getting married in two months.

Wow. You look incredible.

Wow. You're getting married. Congratulations.

Wrong. Betty White.

Wrong. It's a mistake you don't have to make.

Yahtzee!

Yeah, 'cause when we talked earlier, you said there'd be pizza.

Yeah, about that...

Yeah, all day long you've been busting my apple bag about finding this girl.

Yeah, all this granola business, it was just a phase.

Yeah, an 8.5 guy.

Yeah, and I disagree with Barney.

Yeah, and I might have done something bad.

Yeah, and say what? What's our big opening line?

Yeah, because if I did sacrifice all my values just for an easy buck,

Yeah, but camping out in the rain? No fun. Muddy. Yuck.

Yeah, but it wasn't classy.

Yeah, but it's one thing to say it. It's another thing to show it.

Yeah, but she's still in town.

Yeah, but there's a lot of things I've always wanted

Yeah, but we could still have some more romance.

Yeah, dude, that is just like a weenie ass idea.

Yeah, dude, that was awesome. But how are you ever gonna top that?

Yeah, for 89 bucks a night, we're doing it.

Yeah, four years ago.

Yeah, from your homecoming picture. You're much prettier in the person.

Yeah, he just wants to show you his own VIP, if you know what I mean.

Yeah, how was that manicure yesterday?

Yeah, how would you know? You're not even married.

Yeah, I can't believe you let her and Lily go to the ladies' room together, man.

Yeah, I don't think you did. You know why?

Yeah, I felt really bad bailing on Ted though.

Yeah, I guess our relationship had to take a hit,

Yeah, I guess. I'm just not sure if Lily's gonna like it.

Yeah, I know, the bangs were a mistake.

Yeah, I know. It sucks.

Yeah, I know. My stomach was like,

Yeah, I never got to go to my prom.

Yeah, I saw them two months ago at my cousin Bonzo's wedding.

Yeah, I ship out tomorrow. Two years.

Yeah, I should probably take this.

Yeah, I think it's pretty solid.

Yeah, I'm fine!

Yeah, I'm happy for my bladder, yet sad for us.

Yeah, I'm just going to this party downtown.

Yeah, I'm not much of a fighter, but I knew I could take this weird little dude.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure it's peer pressure. We have an assembly every year.

Yeah, I'm sorry. I'm gonna have to lemon law you.

Yeah, it did.

Yeah, it should start high, get higher. This mix is my pride and joy.

Yeah, it's gonna be sweet, too.

Yeah, it's good.

Yeah, it's like that.

Yeah, it's supposed to be incredibly exclusive.

Yeah, look around. The universe is mysterious and awesome.

Yeah, look, you know,

Yeah, looks like we're both hungry.

Yeah, my friend Ted needs something to stand on.

Yeah, no kidding. Those calls were really weird.

Yeah, now we just make fun of people like that.

Yeah, okay, that's a pretty fair assessment of our two arguments.

Yeah, right.

Yeah, right.

Yeah, seriously, it's okay.

Yeah, so sorry.

Yeah, sun's gonna come up soon.

Yeah, super slowly. God, close the deal already.

Yeah, sure, okay.

Yeah, Tanya. Turns out I don't leave for the Peace Corps until tomorrow.

Yeah, that really expensive hotel room you put on your credit card,

Yeah, that sounds great.

Yeah, that would be a good place for it.

Yeah, that's Future Marshall's problem.

Yeah, that's right. A limo.

Yeah, the building would've had to give you some kind of notice.

Yeah, they do sound cute.

Yeah, this party is dead. Mary, you wanna go upstairs?

Yeah, this'll go good.

Yeah, Victoria. Way to step up.

Yeah, we couldn't get any alcohol. Our fake IDs say we're only 20.

Yeah, we do that behind your back.

Yeah, we'll just call the high school, they'll let us stand in the back and watch.

Yeah, we'll walk across the Brooklyn Bridge.

Yeah, we're gonna go make some crop circles.

Yeah, we've talked about it.

Yeah, well,

Yeah, well, at least Barney wouldn't take the swords down.

Yeah, well, enjoy it before it becomes cool again.

Yeah, well, give it back.

Yeah, well, the owner goes to my gym.

Yeah, well, we'd better get going. It's like a four hour drive.

Yeah, well, you did. Thanks.

Yeah, what the hell? It's prom.

Yeah, what's up?

Yeah, whatever. You guys got some weed?

Yeah, where is she?

Yeah, why do I doubt that?

Yeah, why is Vampire Lou the host of a Saturday afternoon kung fu movie?

Yeah, yeah, I'm going.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. This morning at the rehearsal,

Yeah, yeah. I found her online.

Yeah, yeah. Look, are we gonna play Battleship or what?

Yeah, you know why all the circuits are jammed?

Yeah, you were acting so weird about it I gave you Ted's graduation tape instead.

Yeah, you're right. Besides, Marshall and I have been planning

Yeah!

Yeah!

Yeah!

Yeah?

Yeah? Maybe it's too bad we don't have a room.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. Hell, yeah. I got them all. "Teamwork, courage, awesomeness."

Yeah. How're you doing?

Yeah. I was almost too tired for all the sex.

Yeah. I wish we had a dog, so they wouldn't go to waste.

Yeah. I've been meaning to apologize for everything that happened.

Yeah. Katie, you are about to be a part of history.

Yeah. Maybe it will be.

Yeah. No, he literally ran away. I think he was crying.

Yeah. No. It did.

Yeah. Or we could do it tonight.

Yeah. See, if everyone keeps telling you something is supposed to be fun,

Yeah. She got you a nice new coffee maker.

Yeah. She told me already. Go on.

Yeah. So now, whatever I send her, she'll know I sent it after I talked to her.

Yeah. So?

Yeah. They're delicious.

Yeah. Waking up for breakfast at 7:00 a.m. Sharp.

Yeah. We've been spending a lot of time together.

Yeah. Well, it's getting late.

Yeah. Well, now it's Ed's.

Yeah. Yeah, I got it.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. She finally called.

Yeah. You guys never found me a match.

Yeah. You know what else is in that locker room?

Yep. Could you just excuse us for one minute?

Yep. Gotcha! Classic! Gotta go.

Yep. When I grow up, I want to go live with the gorillas just like you did.

Yep. Yesterday.

Yes, Barney, your submissions were received,

Yes, but I'm the bride, so I win.

Yes, but we'll need a diversion.

Yes, I am.

Yes, I cried in the bathroom and that was weird.

Yes, I do.

Yes, I do. You got me.

Yes, I gave it to you.

Yes, I want a ballroom.

Yes, I want Tahitian vanilla! You wrote it down wrong?

Yes, I'm a paralegal.

Yes, I'm...

Yes, it's weirdly hot.

Yes, Lily, my cousin, the drummer from Led Zeppelin who died in 1980,

Yes, Marshall, I see your new suit and it's awesome.

Yes, she does! She likes you. She told me.

Yes, that's what I meant by, "You know..."

Yes, there's nine million people in New York,

Yes, we are. It's the only way.

Yes, well I will definitely give Marshall a kiss for you.

Yes, yes. Juice is perfectly harmless.

Yes, you do.

Yes, you're right.

Yes!

Yes! Do it!

Yes! Look at you.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes. Finally I don't have to wait a half an hour for a drink.

Yes. Sarah O'Brien. I fixed her up six months ago.

Yes. What, you don't believe me?

Yes. Yes.

Yet you have been lying to her since day one.

Yet.

You absolutely did not check plus one.

You ain't kidding, kid.

You always do.

You always think there'll be more time.

You and Claudia both are the luckiest.

You and Lily. You get to be married.

You and Robin have tried this again and again...

You and Robin went down this road before. You got dinged up, really bad.

You are gonna laugh.

You are not bringing a date to my wedding!

You are not bringing a guest, Ted.

You are so hot.

You bastard. I actually got excited about this.

You blew it, dude.

You brought the game to the bar?

You call yourself security guards? I was just defending my boy here.

You can answer it. We have all night.

You can call me Buttercup.

You can go wherever you want.

You can read about it in my zine.

You can see straight down into Hell.

You can't be serious?

You can't... Wow!

You certainly are a charming devil.

You clearly don't know Ted.

You could always ask Stuart.

You could just let me out right up here.

You could quit your job and focus on your painting,

You deserve more.

You didn't even wanna move in here in the first place.

You didn't win. I gave it to you.

You do realize that one out of every eight adult women in America is a prostitute.

You do things you'd never do in a million years if you were sober.

You don't bring a date to a wedding.

You don't have to shout out "poker" when you win.

You don't have to. Please, it's going to be embarrassing,

You don't hear your Ted o Iogical clock ticking?

You don't return my calls. We never hang out.

You don't want to get married.

You found me a match?

You get money, you get laid. End of discussion.

You give me three days, and I will find the woman you will marry.

You got $400,000?

You got me. What do you do, Ted?

You got the Bermuda Triangle, ghosts, Bigfoot.

You gotta do something big.

You gotta go for the 30 year fixed mortgage.

You gotta make it, anyway,

You gotta mark your territory. And I don't mean missing the toilet.

You gotta marry her. Today.

You guys don't give half a brown Crayola what I do for a living, do you?

You guys had your schedule, and I screwed it all up.

You guys have been friends for a long time.

You guys take care of me. You guys are the best.

You guys thinking house, baby?

You guys will never believe what just happened to us.

You guys will thank me for this later, okay?

You guys, I'm fine.

You guys, let me get a picture.

You had your chance, and now he's moved on. Can't you just be happy for them?

You have a basal cell carcinoma.

You have a boyfriend and you haven't told us?

You have an amazing apartment. Marshall and Lily just got engaged.

You have to come down here.

You hope you never have to use them, but you're glad to know they're there.

You invited me up to your apartment to "play Battleship"!

You just gotta get back out there and keep looking.

You just have to accept that certain things can't be explained,

You just insulted someone I hate by referencing something I love.

You just made my night.

You keep giving up on people so quickly, you could miss out on something great.

You kind of put that in your datebook. So.

You know I can party. Let's do it. Let's rock it. Maturity style!

You know I don't have $400,000, right?

You know I won't.

You know it.

You know something?

You know that I have. But let's look at this, okay?

You know what else wakes you up in the morning?

You know what I love about Halloween?

You know what it's time for?

You know what they're doing in there right now?

You know what time it is? It's do o'clock.

You know what, excuse me

You know what, it's getting late. I think I'm gonna take off.

You know what? The wedding's off.

You know what? This was a mistake.

You know what? We're doing this all wrong.

You know who I think could handle a problem like that?

You know who might have something to say about Ted's future with Robin?

You know who she is? But you weren't even at the wedding.

You know why?

You know why? 'Cause I'm gonna say it.

You know, Barney, for anyone else this would be a new low,

You know, Barney, I had a surprisingly good time bro ing out tonight.

You know, for a turtle, he's surprisingly quick.

You know, good for Victoria. It's such an evil tradition.

You know, I don't know. I mean, I want to go, but I don't want to lose Ted.

You know, I don't look like this every day.

You know, I have found in my travels

You know, I make wedding cakes for a lot of fancy bridal shops.

You know, I should tell you, I have a rule.

You know, I think I have a solution.

You know, I...

You know, I've always found

You know, I've always thought of myself as one of those independent women

You know, I've been thinking about this. I think I want to have zero kids.

You know, if we can get a blessing from her pimp.

You know, if you felt this way, you could have just been up front.

You know, if you guys like tiramisu, we found this little Italian place...

You know, if you had just called me, I...

You know, if you're having these kind of doubts now,

You know, it's funny, not so long ago,

You know, it's nice to be able to share this award with my friends,

You know, it's very rude to wear a hat indoors. I'm just saying.

You know, Mary, I've never done this before.

You know, Mike and I joked about doing something together,

You know, over at the NRDC, it's a bunch of really committed people

You know, people think a great mix has to rise and fall.

You know, quiet time with the fiancé.

You know, she is a guest in this country.

You know, some people say

You know, Ted, it's been four years.

You know, Ted, not everyone is as much of a woman as you.

You know, Ted. I don't say this nearly enough

You know, the more I watch this, the less convinced I am

You know, the traditional rain dance is a sacred prayer to nature.

You know, there's every chance Robin's the woman I'm gonna marry.

You know, there's one little flaw in our plan.

You know, this is one of the nicer hotels I've ever been in.

You know, Victoria, Marshall and I did long distance once.

You know, we're a high end meats and textiles conglomerate,

You know, what makes a bride beautiful

You know, women aren't objects. They're human beings.

You know? It just makes no sense. God, that pisses me off.

You let me dodge a bullet, Big Guy.

You lied and said you were broken up with Victoria before you actually were,

You like eating your own food,

You like the phone booth. It stays.

You look great, too, Scooter.

You look so classy and nice. You're gonna stick out like a sore thumb.

You love that move! It's the classic Marshall.

You make me promise to be on my best behavior around your girlfriend,

You make this call

You may advance to the Gumdrop Mountains.

You may not realize this, Marshall Eriksen,

You mean happy for us, right, babe?

You mean, "Who is the slutty pumpkin?"

You mean, how Robin's in love with Ted?

You mean, how Robin's in love with Ted?

You might use too much tongue, I might not use enough.

You might want to call her back.

You might want to call her back.

You must really hate the bitch.

You okay in there?

You okay?

You ordered the chicken. What did she order?

You put yourself and a girl you like in some romantic setting,

You ralphed and ran?

You re returned for me. That's really sweet.

You ready? You ready to say yes? Ted, suit up!

You really don't know who that is?

You really don't remember, super brain?

You really never read my blog, do you?

You really think I'll get a girlfriend?

You really think it'll take more than five minutes

You remember when we first got these swords?

You remembered I drink vodka cranberries.

You said a prewar building was bad for your allergies.

You said it was gonna be three days.

You sat here, in this very booth, and you said...

You see what I did there?

You see, Lily was a kindergarten teacher,

You set me on fire!

You set me on fire.

You set this up. You set this whole thing up.

You should ask her to stay.

You should be one of the minutes!

You should be. Lots of single girls.

You should go to the Peace Corps. And forget about me.

You should see me tap dance. You'd be down on bended knee.

You should see the rooms, the views are amazing.

You signed up for our services about six months ago,

You speak Ukrainian?

You suited up!

You think I like going to those clubs?

You think I'm gonna stick you with some toothless tranny from the Port Authority?

You think that we should brush our teeth first?

You think the Road Runner's gonna fall for it?

You think you might want to drink the milk?

You thought I was...

You thought that Mary was a sure thing, right?

You turn off your brain for a night,

You two make yourselves comfortable.

You wanna be my date?

You wanna be my plus one?

You wanna go for a rock?

You wanna judge a fellow human being

You want a ride?

You want it to go?

You want to be her boyfriend. She already has a boyfriend.

You want to get out of the way?

You want to have our wedding in two months?

You want to practice your story one more time?

You wanted to see me, so I guess that means we're talking again.

You went around the bride.

You were right.

You what?

You wind up not getting married this weekend, give me a call.

You won't have to deal with the school board,

You won't share your food, you won't wear a costume.

You wouldn't believe.

You, I can work with.

You? You... It was you?

You'd be a bad, bad man,

You'll come to see that courtesans are people, too.

You'll get a girlfriend the first day of college

You'll make more than Lily makes in a year.

You're a dude.

You're a hooker.

You're a jerk!

You're a paralegal.

You're an architect. Good career.

You're becoming a long and difficult to spell household name.

You're being ridiculous. I'm gonna be up on that wall one of these days.

You're bluffing.

You're breaking up with me?

You're brilliant.

You're cute.

You're easily distracted, and you're utterly anhedonic.

You're getting on board with Barney's idea?

You're going as my wingman. Flightsuit up.

You're going to show me your hair?

You're going? That's awesome!

You're gonna be working with them.

You're gonna make such a great dad.

You're just trying to cover the fact that you actually had a profound moment

You're just waiting for me to speak, so you can...

You're kidding me.

You're kidding me. No way. Don't go on this thing.

You're kidding.

You're losing me.

You're married. Yeah, I can't believe I did this.

You're my only match!

You're not bringing a date.

You're not gonna tell him, are you?

You're not making me feel better.

You're right, I'll see you at home.

You're right, she's shy.

You're right.

You're right.

You're right.

You're right.

You're right. I'm sorry.

You're right. They're delightful.

You're smiling, too.

You're smiling.

You're still friends and that you support her.

You're suited in an unmistakably upward direction.

You're that lame army guy.

You're the guy who reads the paper in the morning.

You're thinking about coming to work here full time?

You've already flown higher and faster than he ever did.

You've already given me the package. You've got a great package, Marshall.

You've been lawyered.

You've only had sex with one girl in your whole life.

You've talked about who gets the apartment, right?

Your boat is sinking. That was good.

Your brain screws you up, Ted. It gets in the way.

Your date?

Your ego's writing checks your body can't cash.

Your English phone booth arrived!

Your entire future with her will be built on a crime!

Your fiancée? Whoa. Tonight she's with me, bro.

Your friends are still out singing karaoke, but you're home early,

Your mole. The biopsy came back.

Your package has always been big enough.

Your tie is steak sauce. It means A 1. A 1? Get it? Try to keep up.

4.5 million women.

5.4, 4.8, 5.6...

9.6 is off the charts. But Sarah is matched up.

75th and Amsterdam.

"Anhedonic"? Anhedonic.

"so much of the time?" By who? Who asks you that?

(IN DEEP VOICE) Hello. Oh, Marshall. Thank God I got through!

(WHISPERING) There's a girl in there. (WHISPERING) I know.

A cat person. Why am I not surprised? Stop it.

A dance to make it rain. Yes.

A LAMA? We prefer Local Area Media Award.

A lemon law, like for cars. Exactly.

A little Barney. A little Barney.

A painting fellowship? I was never gonna take it.

A rain dance? Yes.

A Sasquatch? That's right, sir, A Bigfoot,

A vacation once in a while. Lily doesn't care about that stuff.

A vacation once in a while. Lily doesn't care about that stuff.

All right, give me your arm. Okay.

All right, I'm pouring it out. Okay, one cup.

All right, see you later. Happy hunting. Wait, where are you guys going?

All right! It works!

All right. Ted.

All right. That's the spirit.

All right. You're going to the hospital?

All the circuits are jammed. That's New Year's Eve for you.

ALL: Wow. Thanks, Carl.

Am I wired wrong or something? No.

Ambush! Ambush! Ambush! Oh, God!

And a pineapple. I know!

and doing stupid single stuff with Barney. What?

and doing stupid single stuff with Barney. What?

And for the birthday boy, lasagna. Thank you.

and he'll get it done. Right.

And how'd you guys like the shots? I drank all five, bitch!

And I can tell that she's into you, too. That's ridiculous.

and I don't wanna be kissing Ranjit. You don't know what you're missing.

and I narrowed them down to these five. Question.

and it's awfully fond of cheese. Okay. This is getting weird.

and it's awfully fond of cheese. Okay. This is getting weird.

And it's for Third World hunger. You gonna put out?

and never got around to. Like go to the Met?

And she... And she called it the Tootsie Roll.

And the dress. I know.

And the icing from two more. Mmm.

And the interview is tonight. In New Haven.

And was she okay about pushing it back? Yes. Because she's perfect!

and you just have to forgive me for this. But forgive you for what?

and you'll make a ton more money. Well, guess what, Barney?

Are we really bailing? Hell, yeah.

Are you gonna hook up with him? I don't know.

Are you okay? I'm fine.

Are you sure? All right.

Are you sure? Lf I don't see you, Happy New...

at brunch. I love brunch.

Awesome, bro. Yeah. Yeah.

Baby, pick me. Come on, come on, come on.

Baby, pick me. Come on, come on, come on.

Back to you, Robin. Congrats!

Backgammon, obviously. No.

Barf. You know, I am sensing a pattern here.

Barney, I think you've officially... No, don't think. Do!

Barney, none of us really liked her. What?

Barney, where have you been? Yeah, we're really sorry about that.

Barney! Fine.

Barney! Sugar bear, where were you?

Barney? Hi, Shannon.

Barney? See you in two shakes, Mar.

Barney? What, you're back? That's right.

Barney. Ted.

Because... ALL: Because it tastes

before you say, "Enough"? One more. One more time.

Besides, I'm trying to make Robin jealous, Oh, that's real mature,

Big day. Yeah.

but I know my boy got the double digits! Zero.

But I love you. But he has a boat.

but I really value... Hey, that place has great salads.

But it can. And it has.

But it has to be alive. Wait, no, no!

But no last names. No last names.

But Robin is so excited. I know.

but we do have time for hot dogs? Yeah, we like hot dogs.

But what about Ted? I checked with Ted.

but why today? She's leaving tomorrow.

But why? Leave no man behind.

But you got in. Yeah.

But, I... Don't be a hero, Scherbatsky!

But, you totally got... Just let him have this one.

Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye.

Bye. Here we go.

Bye. Oh, Victoria. You're here...

Bye. See you.

Bye. See you.

Bye. See you.

Call her then. Yes, two weeks. Good idea.

Call you afterwards? I'll inappropriately text you during.

Can I call you tomorrow? Totally.

Can I do that? Well, sure.

Can I observe something? That this is kind of awesome?

Can Ted come? Wait! Don't ask! That's so lame!

Can you please hurry? I can't. I'm waiting...

Can't be too picky. You're never going to find this girl.

Careful. The plate is very hot. Okay.

CARL; Hello, Hi. Who is this?

Check out Robin's date, I know,

Cher. Right here, babe.

Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Come on! Chug! Chug!

Come on, Lily. But you see my point.

Come on, man, you don't mean that. No, I do.

Come on. It's only a 20 minute detour. Which is exactly how much time I need.

Congrats. Thanks.

Congratulations. Oh, thanks.

Congratulations. Thank you.

cooking classes. All the things you do when you know

Cupcake? No, thanks.

Daddy's home? Yeah.

Did she love it? Oh, she loved it.

did that little story have a point? Yeah.

Did we just start planning our wedding? I think that we did.

Did you get ahold of your date? Yes.

Did you happen to get her phone number? You know I did.

Did you just say a rain dance? Yes.

Did you try his cell phone? Yeah, I left two messages.

Do they rule? They rule.

Do you mind if I swing by? Ask her about the pineapple!

Do you think she's into me? Ted, focus.

Do you wanna try long distance? Yes!

Do you want to come over? Why? What's up?

Does Marshall know? He's still sound asleep.

Don't tell Lily, okay? No.

Done what? You know, been on a date.

Doo doo. Totally.

Dr. O'Brien. What?

Drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink. Drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink.

Drink, drink, drink... Drink, drink, drink...

Drink, drink, drink... Drink, drink, drink...

Drink. Drink. Drink. Drink. Drink. Drink. Drink.

Dude, it's gonna be weird. No, it's fine.

Dude, no problem whatsoever. Really?

Dude, what are you doing? What's it look like?

Everyone thought I was crazy, but I... You are such a loser.

Exactly. No, honey. Nobody does that.

Excuse me? Okay, I...

Fine. Fine.

Flip it. Okay, here I go. I'll flip it.

Flip it. Okay. I'm flipping it. Here I go.

Flip it. Go ahead. I'm flipping!

Follow her lead. You have to. Follow it.

For free. Oh, hell yeah.

French Sandy, porn star Sandy... Yosemite Sandy, definitely.

Get out! Great story.

Get out. What?

Get your coat, we're leaving. What?

Give him your number. Give him your number.

Give him your number. Give him your number.

Give him your number. Give him your number.

Go ahead. Okay.

Gonna miss the old place. I will, too.

Gonna? Yes. First thing tomorrow.

Good luck, baby. Bye.

Good luck, baby. Bye.

Good night, Robin. Good night, Ted.

Good night, Ted. Love you, too, buddy.

Got it. Nice.

Great. I'm Robin, this is my friend Lily. Hi.

Guess we were gone a while. Oh, that's too bad.

Guess what came in the mail today? Our costumes?

Happy? Yeah.

He's probably famous. Oh, yeah.

He's the best guy I know. Yeah, in America. But German guys?

Hello, Aunt Kathy. What's up? Oh, nothing.

Hello, Barney. Hi, Mary.

Hello? Hey, Lily.

Hello? Hey, random question.

Hello? Hey, random question.

Hello? Hi, Ted, it's Robin.

Hello? Ted, it's Robin.

Hello? Ted? It's Stuart.

Hello? Ted. I just saw the news,

Hello? Ted. This is your main man K.E.

Hello? Why hasn't she called yet?

Hello? Why hasn't she called yet?

Hello. Hi there, sexy.

Hello. Hi.

hence the hat. Oh. I gotta see this.

Her idea. Totally her idea!

Here we go. What?

Here, here. Cheers.

Hey, baby. How's the dress place? Well, everything's so fluffy and white.

Hey, can I call you sometime? Okay.

Hey, hey! Ted!

Hey, I bet you're feeling better now. Oh, so much better.

Hey, I'm sorry I took the swords down. Dude, that's okay!

Hey, is that Gary Oldman? Where?

Hey, is that Ted? Yeah. He's stuck in Dutchess County.

Hey, Robin! Hey!

Hey, Robin. Ted, Derek stood me up.

Hey, Robin. Top of the morning. ROBIN: Hey, guys.

Hey, sexy. Barney, where's Marshall?

Hey, there's the anchor lady. Hello.

Hey, tip her, Barney. Why? I didn't check a coat.

Hey, you wanna go play Battleship? Hit!

Hey! How was your first day? I don't want to talk about it.

Hey. Hello.

Hey. Hey.

Hey. Hey.

Hey. Hey.

Hey. Hey.

Hey. Hey.

Hey. Hey.

Hey. Hey.

Hey. Hey.

Hey. Hi.

Hey. You hit on my mom.

Hey. Hi. Hi.

Hey. Where's Lily? She's in the bathroom.

Hi, baby. Oh, crap! My mom sent cookies?

Hi, Ellen. Remember me? I'm Ted. Ted. Hi.

Hi, guys. Hey.

Hi, I'm Robin. Marybeth.

Hi, I'm Ted. Hi.

Hi, Katie. Barney. Hi! It's good to finally meet you.

Hi, Ted. Claudia.

Hi, Ted. Hello, Robin, it's Ted.

Hi! Hey.

Hi. Hey.

Hi. Hi, I'm Dr. O'Brien.

Hi. Hi.

Hi. Hi.

Highlights is a children's magazine. Yeah, I got it.

How are your feet doing, baby? Oh, okay.

How crazy am I coming off here? Only a little.

How dare she? It's not just the coffee maker.

How do you feel about cats? Cats. Hated the musical, love the animal.

How do you feel about cats? Cats. Hated the musical, love the animal.

How do you know? I don't know, but I believe.

How many is that so far? Three.

How was it? Oh, I don't know.

How'd it go, dude? I didn't go.

I can't believe we didn't do this before. I know.

I checked plus one. No, you didn't.

I could get some. You could totally get some.

I didn't believe it, but you're right. Told you. That Lily, she's a shrewd one.

I didn't know I still had this. What?

I didn't say that I liked Ted, I... You like Ted!

I don't have a back door, so... Oh, my gosh.

I don't have a plus one for the wedding. What?

I don't know what to say. Ugly, ugly, ugly.

I don't know, Ted. Come on.

I don't plan out every... Oh, really?

I don't wanna say it. Trust that impulse, Ted.

I feel terrible. Well, feel terrible later.

I give it two months. Oh, I believe it. This is awesome!

I gotta go. Not so fast, Scherbatsky.

I know what you mean. You do?

I know. Okay.

I like being single. Being single's the best.

I like your hat. Right.

I love drunk Ted. Marshall thinks you're a vampire.

I love Marshall. I know you do. Come here.

I love you, Marshall. I love you, Lily.

I love you, Marshmallow. I love you, too, Lilypad.

I love you, Marshmallow. I love you.

I love you. I love you, too, babe.

I love your singing, Barney. And I love you, Shannon.

I mean, is this not a date? I don't know.

I mean, lately... I know, I know, it just, seems like

I miss owning porn! (SCOFFS) Dude, who doesn't?

I need that phone back! You'll get this back at the end of class.

I need you to roll with it, okay? Wow.

I never leave home without it. That's how I feel about Janice here.

I quit. What? No. You...

I really don't. Sex.

I really hate parades. Okay.

I said "almost"! Well, all right.

I saw a couple up front that were nice. By the window?

I should get back to my room. Your room?

I should go help Robin. Okay.

I still don't believe it. I told you.

I think he's not cool with me moving in. No, that's not it.

I think I'm ready. You sure?

I think it should be all rise. Yes. Moby.

I think she... Trick question. No thinking!

I told you he would. BILSON: We are gonna have a hoot.

I totally could have taken that kid. Yeah, and I totally had your back, so...

I want this apartment! Well, I want it, too.

I was gonna... I know.

I wish we could hold on to it forever. No.

I wish we were ninjas. I know.

I wish you could stay. I know. Me, too.

I'll get another bottle. Okay.

I'll go with you. Really?

I'm a cute architect. How do you think I feel?

I'm a happy ending. (CHUCKLES) Happy ending?

I'm a parrot. You sure are.

I'm calling her now. No, Ted.

I'm going down to that bakery. No, no, don't do it.

I'm gonna miss you so much. I'm gonna miss you, too.

I'm just gonna ignore that. Thank you.

I'm kidding. I'm serious. I can't go to Paris. I'm going camping.

I'm Lily. I'm Mary. Nice to meet you.

I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry, too.

I'm sorry about Barney. No, I'm having a great time.

I'm sorry! I assumed you had other plans. They played some good songs tonight.

I'm sorry. I... Oh, no. I understand. It's fine. Yeah.

I'm sort of professing my love here. Sure.

I'm staying. Fine. Fine.

I'm thinking floor sex. Sounds reasonable.

in a sea full of lesbians. Okay, Ted, Ted.

In California? I was never gonna take it.

in the middle of the night? Don't worry, I slept through it.

Is he... He's off trying to make you jealous.

Is it gonna be weird? No, it's not gonna be weird at all.

Is Kelly here? Yeah, she's around somewhere.

Is she okay? I'm serious, call 911.

Is that allowed? Yes, it's encouraged.

Is that Robin? So, who's the girl in the bedroom?

Is that who I think it is? Yep, It's Sandy Rivers,

Is that your water? May I? Yeah, go ahead.

Is this gonna work? Yeah.

It can't be helped. Oh, yes, it can.

It means you can't enjoy anything. The hell I can't. I'm enjoying this.

It was like this when I found it. And how will you be paying for this?

It'll be too weird. Fine.

It's a beverage. Yeah, well...

It's Claudia. So it begins.

It's gonna be at least three years. It could be sooner.

It's gonna lead to an argument. So, no. That's real healthy.

It's just one dance. God! What?

It's kind of an emergency. What are you doing in Dutchess County?

It's not your fault. Yeah, it is.

It's pronounced Puh kaj. Get out of here!

It's Robin. (WHISPERING) Answer it.

It's uncanny. All right.

It's working. I'm definitely getting psyched.

juice. Yes, we'll juice.

Just horrible. It's bad. It's really bad.

Just one dance, huh? Okay, seriously.

Just wear another one. I don't have another one.

Just wear another one. I don't have another one.

Kahlúa and... Kahlúa and root beer.

Keep the change. Thanks. Thanks.

Kelly, who supposedly I'm gonna love. Oh, you are gonna love Kelly.

Kelly, who supposedly I'm gonna love. Oh, you are gonna love Kelly.

KIDS: No. No, no. I know what you want.

Kind of like Barney? Kind of.

Let me guess. It's somewhere far away. San Francisco.

Let that guy deal with it. Totally.

Let's bail. No, Barney, come on. I'm having fun.

Let's do this! Yes! Let's!

Let's drink many beers. Agreed.

Let's go get a snack. I love to snack.

Let's go get some dinner. I know just the place.

Let's just focus on your target. Right.

Let's ride. Bring it!

Let's start drinking. (CHUCKLING) Not so fast.

Lf I caused this in any way... Ted, for all I know you did me

Lf she's a nurse... Wow. We get it.

Like you need two rooms. We might be starting a family soon.

Lily, there's a problem... Wait, no. Thing number two,

Lily! Yes. You know me?

Lily. What?

Lily's phone. Ted? Where's Lily?

Listen, Don, Ray, can't we all... Hey!

Listen... Wait, two things. First of all,

Look how happy she is. Yeah.

Look, I shouldn't go. You should definitely go.

Look, let's not get carried away

Loves them. Oh, good.

Magic. Yeah!

Makes great coffee, right? Yeah, definitely.

MAN: Hey! Sorry, Mr. Matson!

MAN: We're on in five, four... It'd be fun.

Marshall ran away from a cockroach. It was a mouse.

Marshall said what? No, no, no...

Marshall, come on. Hey. She's the one who rolled a three.

MARSHALL: Roll. Okay.

Marshall. Hey.

Marshall... 'Cause if you can't promise me that,

Marshall's mom sent us cookies. Lily, no! No, Lily!

Marybeth? Oh, she works in my office.

Miss. Of course.

Mmm. Mmm.

Moby. The recording artist, Moby. No.

Monday, September the... Ted.

Morning. Hey, guys.

Mr. Eriksen, Mr. Stinson is no longer... I get it. Thank you, Tracy.

Must be tough. Yeah.

My dawg! My dawg!

Natalya. Oh, friendly.

Need a ride, cowboy? Sorry. I don't get in vans with strangers.

Neither have I. Of course, I cheat. Oh, yeah. Me, too.

Never. What else? She loves lasagna.

New pajama bottoms? You know it.

Nice tie. Steak sauce. Oh, steak sauce. For true, though.

Nice to meet you, Ted. Hi, Mary.

Nice try, buddy. Good hustle out there.

Nice. What? How?

No idea what you're talking about. No idea what you're talking about.

No way. Please. I bet it doesn't look that bad.

No way. That's totally Moby. That's awesome.

No, no, no. Not in a million years.

No, she didn't. Yeah. Yeah, she did.

No, we are not! Yes, we are!

No, you won't! Yes, I will!

No, you won't. I won't?

No! Relax, man. I'll take the Fiero.

No? I've read extensively on the subject.

No. Oh, come on!

No. That's ludicrous.

No. Yeah.

No. Yeah.

No. You sure?

No. No, come on! Yes!

No. Stay. Come on. Come on.

Noon? Noon.

Nope. Sworn to secrecy. Oh, come on.

nor good at boxing. I'm ready to be proven wrong.

Not shy about your looks, are you? No.

Now damn it, we're gonna party. All right. One beer.

Now, it's time to counterstrike. Yeah, well, what am I supposed to do?

Of course I'm still getting married. But we're a 9.6.

Oh yeah! Look at us, riding around in a limo,

Oh, and she's totally hot. Okay.

Oh, boo freaking hoo. What?

Oh, boo freaking hoo. What?

Oh, congratulations. Congratulations, yourself.

Oh, damn it! It's all right.

Oh, dude, not now! What? She needs to get psyched!

Oh, excellent. We'll take this one. This one.

Oh, God! It got me as well.

Oh, hey, dude. Hey, guys.

Oh, I don't know, guys. Okay, okay.

Oh, jeez, Barney, don't do this. I have to. It's my birthday present to Ted.

Oh, more interesting. Whoa.

Oh, my God! Holy crap buckets, we got it.

Oh, my God! What?

Oh, my God! Wow, wow, wow!

Oh, my God! It's real! No, is it? Do something!

Oh, my God. I know, I'm still shaking.

Oh, my God. SHANNON; Oh, Barney, oh,

Oh, no way, you are the coolest. No. No, you are.

Oh, no, Ted! Your blazer. What? What? What?

Oh, no, Ted! Your blazer. What? What? What?

Oh, no. So, Barney, who's your new friend?

Oh, screw those guys. We're adorable. I know.

Oh, Ted, I'm so sorry. Yeah, it was a long shot.

Oh, thank God, you're here. What is going on?

Oh, thank you. I'm starving.

Oh, that was awesome. I know.

Oh, this kind of sucks. Okay, nobody get down.

Oh, totally. Yeah.

Oh, well, my word. Oh, hey. Well, you're friendly.

Oh, what firm? Douglas, O'Halloran and Stamp.

Oh, yes, you do. Attractive, college educated.

Oh, yes! Word up!

Okay, bye. Crap.

Okay, I'll go with you. No, baby.

Okay, I'll meet you at party number three. But... Come on. Moby's party.

Okay, I'm in. Okay.

Okay, Ted, let's go. Not you. You stay.

Okay, that's it. You and me. You think you can take me? Come on!

Okay, Victoria's Secret party, right now. Nope.

Okay? Okay.

Okay. But we can't kiss.

Okay. How'd you get in here?

Okay. Okay, bye.

Okay. See you then.

Only when I'm drunk. Good boy.

Or Kim Gordon from Sonic Youth. Any Kim from any cool band, really.

Or maybe she goes by Vicky or Tori... Or Ictor.

Or New Year's Eve. Or the Super Bowl.

Or parades. The Rockettes.

Or parades. You said that already.

or to actually have sex with? Yes.

Or we could flip a coin. Yeah, let's flip a coin.

Or we could just stay home. Maybe watch some TV?

Order in some Chinese. Szechwan Garden.

Party number one! Party number one!

Party number three! Party number three!

Party number three! Yeah!

Party number two, not so good. No, let's go back to party number one.

Pause! Why do you want me to pause?

Pause. No, Lily, we cannot pause this anymore.

Pause. Pause.

Play it. Play it! Fine, fine.

Plugging in. Saving game.

Pretty good on your feet. Are you flirting with me?

Ranjit, Moby's party. Moby's party.

Ranjit, party number three. Party number three.

Ranjit, party number two! Party number two!

Ranjit, stop the car. Stopping the car.

Ranjit, take us to Gray's Papaya. Oh, yes, Ted, you rock.

Ranjit! Drive! Where to?

Ready to go? Hell, yeah

Ready to go? Hell, yeah.

Really sweet. Wow.

Really? Of course.

Really? Really.

Really? Yeah, he's out there somewhere.

Really? Yeah.

Really? Yeah.

Really? It's three months away. I know.

Really? That would be great. VICTORIA: Yeah.

Really? That's the nickname now? Yeah, the Barnacle.

Really? You? BARNEY: Absolutely.

Right! This is crazy.

Right. Okay, okay. You want a second opinion?

Right. Right.

Robin, are you tearing up? No.

Robin, are you tearing up? No.

Robin, where's Sandy Rivers? I put him in a cab.

ROBIN: Bye. Happy New Year.

ROBIN: Oh, man, Ted, this is great. Okay, people, let's talk strategy.

Robin! What?

Robin! What?

Robin's bringing a date. Oh. Okay, that's not weird.

Robin's bringing a date. That's gonna be really weird.

Rough night? Yeah.

Sandy, Robin? Thanks, Lou.

Sandy, Robin? Thanks, Lou.

Say you're my bitch. I'm your bitch.

Seriously, what is it that you do? Please.

Shall we? Sure.

Shannon, there is no... Barney.

She likes me? Yes,

She never showed? So what happened next?

She'll be happy. Okay.

She's gonna dump me! She's not gonna break up with you, Ted.

Should we move to the bedroom? There's no time for that.

Sidebar. Moby, switch up, will you?

Since when? Since like an hour ago.

Sit. Hey, so, now that I'm working here,

Sleep with a prostitute? No, lose your virginity. What up!

Slow. Bye, Ted.

So are you just like starving? Totally.

So do it. I don't know.

So field hockey, huh? Shut up.

So get an escort. By escort, you mean prostitute?

So I should keep looking? Of course you should.

So I'll be off the market. What?

so if we could just avoid the... Well, well, well, how rich.

So now I'm on the list for tonight. Nice going, Scherbatsky.

So she's not... No.

So that's what you decided? Well, no.

So, are you two... Starting a bunch of office rumors?

So, did you get a good look at it? Yeah.

So, how was your first prom? You tell me.

So, I got you a date for the evening. You got me a hooker.

So, Mary, what do you do for a living? She's a paralegal.

So, should we pop it in? Give it to me.

So, wait, you and he aren't... I don't date people I work with.

So, what, we ready for tonight? Yeah.

So, what, you actually like this guy now? I don't know.

So, what's he PMS ing about? I don't know.

So, where are you from, Natalya? She... Who knows?

So, where's Thurston Howell taking you? A charity dinner.

So, where's Thurston Howell taking you? A charity dinner.

So, your name is Tony? No.

So? So, guess what I did to that sandwich?

So? So, she's gonna dump me.

Sold. Great.

Sorry, Lily. Sorry, Lily.

Sorry. It's okay.

Sorry. Oh, very nice, Lily.

Sort of on a date with her. What?

Stay. Come on. I'm sorry. I don't wanna talk about it.

Steak sauce? Yeah.

Steak sauce. Steak sauce, dude.

Still. What?

Sure you don't want one? How many of those have you eaten?

Taking off for the night. Thanks, Tracy.

Ted, it's a mistake! Maybe.

Ted, just calm down. Calm down?

Ted, this is so... I know.

Ted, what does your Mom always say? Nothing good ever...

Ted, what other Germany would it be? The one in Epcot?

TED; That was you? Awesome! I know!

Ted? Hey, Claudia!

Ted? Oh, no!

Ted? Yeah. Hi, I'm here.

Ted. It could happen!

Ted. Sorry.

Ted's still coming to this thing, right? Yep.

Ten seconds! Suck it, losers!

Thank you. I'm really sorry I asked you out.

Thanks, I'll see you. Bye.

Thanks. That's so cool.

That hurt! So badly!

That is a lie. It is not a lie.

That is great. Nice.

That was my cousin Leslie. What?

That was my cousin Leslie. What?

That was not funny. Not funny, dude.

That would have been bad. Horrible.

That's a real law firm. I know.

That's brilliant. Mmm.

That's not hard. I know at least... I'm not done.

That's only two. Count again.

That's pretty hard to walk away from. Well, I don't know.

That's too bad. Tell me about it.

the almost four way. You never had a four way.

The Barnacle? That's it.

The penguins? On the wall.

The slipping in horse poop story? Yeah, we all know that one.

Then we'll get our teeth cleaned. Sounds awful. It's a date.

There's always a guy. Okay. All right. I, uh...

There's not enough money in the world. Oh, thank God.

There's one for awesomeness? Yeah. I had it made.

They're edging you out. That's crazy.

Think there's still one left. Dibs.

This cheeseburger is so... Good.

This is my apartment. Not anymore.

This isn't gonna work. Yeah. I know that.

This isn't the moves? What, you... You think this is the moves?

This place seems great. Yeah.

This wrong guy, is he a huge jackass? Absolutely.

Tonight? Tonight!

Too bad you'll never find out. Damn it!

Too bad. I got candy. Candy?

Totally. Call me tomorrow. Okay.

Um, Sandy, do you want to get a cab? Sure. Let's go.

Unbelievable. Yes, it is.

Unless... No, no unless.

Unpause? Unpause.

Unpause? Unpause.

Van Smoot is available. Oh, my God.

Very nice. Yeah?

Victoria, I know this must be... Yeah. It kind of is.

Violent Femmes. I love this song. Me, too.

Wait here, I should go talk to the band. All right.

Wait, baby, what are you doing? No, I'm going home.

Wait, really? Happy New Year, Ted.

Wait, so we're sharing the leg? No, the leg is a metaphor.

Wait, you were with someone last night? Yeah, Trudy. She's cool.

Wait, you're kidding, right? No.

Wait. Germany, Europe? It's for two years.

Wake her up and say what? Daddy's home.

Wanna... No!

Was it... It was your girlfriend.

Was it... It was your girlfriend.

We already have a caterer. Oh, right. You're getting married.

We both know it. Excuse me?

We can beat the odds. Odds, schmodds.

We can do this. We can do this. Let's just hold hands.

we can still have a fighting chance. Let's do it.

We got to go. See you. Bye, have fun.

We gotta go. What's that? "Interesting theory, Barney,

We just snuck in the back. You just... Are you serious?

We saw something, up in the apartment. Something bad.

We should have sex. What?

We still have firsts. Of course we do.

We'll find each other. I know we will.

We're gonna own the office. Steak sauce.

We're in! Thank you, We're going to take a break,

We're not indoors. We're in a van. Vans have doors. Let me see your hair.

We're not really doing shots, are we? I hope not.

We're still friends. We're... Are we?

Wedding goggles. Exactly.

Well said. Cheers.

Well, at least we get free champagne. And cake.

Well, go ahead, we'll wait. Great.

Well, here's hoping he cheats on you. Yeah, but only like second base.

Well, I didn't need it, but thanks. Yeah, you did, and you're welcome.

Well, I should go get dressed. Where you going, buddy, hot date?

Well, I thought that thing was canceled. Well, it's back on.

Well, I'm going home. No!

Well, I'm not. A little bi maybe?

Well, thank you. You're welcome.

Well, that you can't do. You wanna bet?

Well, then why are you doing it? Because I love her.

Well, what makes them jerks? Forget it. I don't want to talk about it.

Well, what's perfect? Well, it's not like I have a list.

Well, you have farted in front of me. Yes, but I always cover it with a cough.

Well... No, Barney.

Well... What?

Were you going to think of that? No.

What about Lily? Call her.

What am I gonna do? Come live with us.

What are you doing here? Just listen.

What are you saying? I'm saying, I'm here, you're here.

What are you talking about? And why is that girl checking you out?

What are you talking about? You've had a terrible fall.

What do we do with it? Calm down, I have a plan.

What do you do? Please.

What do you mean? Lily, here's what you just said,

What do you mean? Well, Joe asked me

What do you say? Yes. No. I don't know.

What do you think? Steak sauce.

What is her name? Sharon? Shannon? Shannon?

What is it? I have to pee.

What is this, opposite day or something? No.

What the hell happened to my jacket? Whoa.

What the hell happened to these two? Marshall and I are just growing up.

What the hell? That wasn't me.

What the hell? What?

What time is the interview? 9:00 a.m.

what would that make me? A prostitute.

What, like, buy a new sofa? Bigger.

What? Are you crazy?

What? Barney paid for her.

What? Drink.

What? Dude!

What? I'm sorry, dude,

What? It's a big secret.

What? It's empty.

What? Marshall, Lily's a catch.

What? My boat is sinking!

What? Ted, these chicks are desperate and hot.

What? That's all, Vampire Lou. Nicely done.

What? They're jerks.

What? What?

What? What?

What? You know something?

What? You like Ted!

What? You said what. You gotta drink.

What? You're a wonder.

What? No! No, you can't, Lily!

What? Where? Party number three.

What's going on? Try not to speak. Here, sit down.

What's so funny? Plan a wedding. You'll see.

What's that? Nothing. Give it!

What's this? My coffee maker. From my apartment.

What's your secret? Science,

Whatever. Cool. And what guy is this?

When is this plane going to board? Sweet pea.

When was the last time you were there? Three months ago.

When? Sorry. Sorry.

When? Three month ago.

Where are you going to buddy? Park Slope, Eighth and Eighth.

Where are you going? It's an elaborate costume.

Where do you wanna hang it? I don't know.

Where? Right here!

Where? I don't see any... Marshall, sidebar.

Where's Mike? He's meeting me here.

Who are you calling? Robin.

Who does that? Nobody does that.

Who gets to be a VIP and who doesn't. Can we come?

Who had sex for money? Nobody.

Who is she? I don't know.

Who is she? I have no idea.

Who? Future Ted and Future Marshall.

Who? The 88.

who's gonna get the apartment? That's a tough one.

Whoa, this place is loud. You think?

Whoa, you're up early. Yeah, thought I'd whip up some pancakes.

Whoa, you're up early. Yeah, thought I'd whip up some pancakes.

Whoa! Whoa!

Whose number is that? I don't know.

Why aren't you inside? I'm calling the owner.

Why did we think that guy was Moby? I don't know.

Why didn't you check plus... I did check plus one.

Why does he even ask? I know, he's just gonna tell us anyway.

Why not? Because gross?

Why not? Because you're scaring the hell out of me.

Why the hell should I help you? Come on.

Why would you do that? I did it to prove a point.

Why would you do that? Who knows?

Why would you do that? Who knows?

Why? Why?

without the package? The package?

Wow, so they're... Uh huh.

Wow, that was a great story, Dad. SON: We're gonna go watch TV.

Wow, that was really specific. Show me you're psyched!

Wow! That's what I was going for.

Wow. We better get going. Yeah.

Wow. You're friendly. Big fan.

Yeah, $2,000 a plate. $1,500! Stop rounding up.

Yeah, do you need a drink or something? No. We never really clicked.

Yeah, it won't be weird. Thank you.

Yeah, it's probably a good idea. Let's go.

Yeah, right. I did!

Yeah, she's not usually like that. No.

Yeah, she's still in town. Yeah.

Yeah, sure. Come on over. Thanks.

Yeah, try five! What up.

Yeah, well... Here we go. All right.

Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah! Stay out as late as you want. Answer to no one.

Yeah. 'Cause, you know,

Yeah. All right.

Yeah. Are you still in touch with her?

Yeah. Do you have a fiancé?

Yeah. Yeah?

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yes!

Yeah. No, they won't. Why not?

Yes, please, please. Do it, do it.

Yes, what? Yes, let's go get dinner.

Yes, you did. Last night. Really?

Yes, you do. No, Ted, I don't.

Yes! My man!

Yes! Yes!

Yes! Yes!

Yes! Yes!

Yes. Are you a lesbian?

Yes. We're signing up.

You are so dead. Oh, I'm so dead.

You called me, Who's this? It's Ted.

You can never tell Marshall. I won't.

You can only go forward. False.

You don't have to answer that. It's okay.

You don't mess with a honeymoon. Yeah, come on, dude.

You don't need two rooms. Heads or tails, Marshall?

You got me. You are good. Yeah.

You gotta go with some Black Sabbath. Oh.

You guys wanna come? Yeah, we'd love to.

You have a boat? Yes, I bought a boat last year

You have feelings for Ted? Maybe.

You just made that up. Withdrawn.

You just made that up. Withdrawn.

you just met a few months ago? Don't you think it's a little impulsive

You just saved my life, didn't you? Thank me later.

You know what, if I had tried... Okay, wait, wait, wait!

You look nice. Oh, Ted, this is Sandy.

You looked at my file? I had to. You're my only match

You must think I'm so stupid. I don't think you're stupid.

You okay? Oh, yeah. Sorry.

You okay? Sure. Why?

You promise. Promise. All right, I promise.

You really think that's true? Oh, yeah.

You sure about this, Ted? Yeah.

You? Totally.

you'd be cool with that, right? Sure, good luck with that.

You'd have me. We've only been dating two months.

You're adults. Okay, bye.

You're answering it? He's answering it! No! Do her! Do her now!

You're calling Robin. I'm calling Robin.

You're crazy. Right. Come on.

You're going? Yes. I have to.

You're gonna wanna bring your "A" game. I'll bring it.

You're leaving? There. I quit my job.

You're messing with me, right? Come see for yourself.

You're not gonna do it at your wedding? Oh, yeah!

You're not Moby, are you? Who?

Your costumes came? Our costumes... Yes.

...about those phone calls last night. I have no idea!

...Brampton for "A Bicycle, Joy Ride or Deathtrap?"

...drink, drink, drink... ...drink, drink, drink...

...drink, drink! ...drink, drink!

...drink, drink. Drink! ...drink, drink. Drink!

...have helped me realize that sometimes I can act like a crazy person.

...just tell me, instead of always undermining me at every turn.

...someone will call me, and I will come get you.

...try to show a little flexibility. But no. It's all about you.

'Cause everyone's calling their loved ones. Everyone around the world.

'cause I'm getting married in 71 days,

'cause I'm revoking your dude membership.

'Cause it turns out we're not in high school.

'cause we have to make a decision by Monday,

'cause you guys are the cutest couple ever.

'Cause you know, Claudia said...

'Twould think it would be Arby's.

"And I really need to talk to you tonight."

"but I'll need some proof." Okay.

"but it's basically awesome. So keep sending it down gullet alley."

"conditions were clear over Roswell, New Mexico."

"Conformity. It's the one who's different that gets left out in the cold."

"Crawl for it, bitches!"

"Dear Marshmallow, good luck today. I love you! Lilypad."

"Did Ted eat the last pudding snack pack in the fridge?"

"don't go up there. There's a beautiful girl who wants to have sex with you."

"Girlfriend, we don't always get along, but that cake..."

"Hardcore"? That's the only way I play.

"Have you ever cheated while in a relationship?"

"he's pretty cool, but it's your job to make him awesome."

"Hey, bro, I don't know what you're eating, 'cause I don't have any eyes,

"Hey, Ted. Sorry I missed your call last night.

"Hi, I'm Ted. If lost please call..."

"How many boyfriends did you have before you started dating Ted?"

"I'll call you at 11:00. Victoria."

"I'll eat that moustache right off of your ugly French face."

"Karaoke" is Japanese for empty orchestra.

"Listen, I've been thinking and I really need to talk to you tonight.

"Mary is not really a prostitute."

"Nothing good happens after 2.00 a.m."

"On the night of July 2, 1947,

"P.S. If you've unfolded this note, your kiss already got out. Quick, catch it!"

"Pass me a towel. P.S. I have sex for money."

"Really? I couldn't imagine you cranky."

"So," she says, changing the subject, "Big date tonight."

"Ted, whatever you do,

"Ted, you will bring no date to this wedding.

"Thanks for playing. See you never."

"This long distance thing sucks, huh?

"This long distance thing sucks, huh?

"Whatever happened to my hopes and my dreams?"

"When suddenly, an array of..."

"when you were grinding with..." No!

"Why am I with Claudia? I could be with her."

"You know who likes juice? Ted."

"You stay away from Lily. Or, I swear to God,

"You will hit on drunk bridesmaids with actual size Barney."

(ALL CHEERING)

(ALL CHEERING)

(ALL CHEERING)

(ALL CHEERING) Kiss, come on. Kiss! Kiss!

(ALL EXCLAIM)

(ALL EXCLAIMING IN PANIC)

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

(ALL LAUGHING)

(ALL SCREAMING)

(ALTERNA TIVE ROCKSONG PLAYING)

(BAG THUDDING)

(BANGS PIANO KEYS)

(BARNEY AND LILY EXCLAIMING)

(BARNEY LAUGHING)

(BARNEY LAUGHING)

(BARNEY YELLING)

(BEEPING)

(BEEPING)

(BELCHING)

(BILSON LAUGHING)

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

(BLEATING)

(BOTH EXCLAIMING)

(BOTH EXCLAIMING)

(BOTH EXCLAIMING)

(BOTH EXCLAIMING)

(BOTH GRUNTING)

(BOTH GRUNTING)

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(BOTH MOANING)

(BOTH SCREAMING)

(BOTH SHOUTING)

(BUZZING)

(CACKLING)

(CELLPHONE RINGING)

(CELLPHONE RINGING)

(CELLPHONE RINGING)

(CELLPHONE RINGING)

(CELLPHONE RINGING)

(CELLPHONE RINGING)

(CELLPHONE RINGING)

(CELLPHONE RINGING)

(CELLPHONE RINGING)

(CELLPHONE RINGING)

(CELLPHONE RINGING)

(CELLPHONE RINGING)

(CELLPHONE RINGING)

(CELLPHONE RINGING)

(CELLPHONE RINGING)

(CELLPHONE RINGING)

(CELLPHONE RINGING)

(CELLPHONE RINGING)

(CHEERING)

(CHILDREN LAUGHING MOCKINGLY)

(CHUCKLES)

(CHUCKLING)

(CHUCKLING)

(CHUCKLING) Whoah, whoah.

(CLANGING)

(CLAUDIA GROANING)

(CLEARING THROAT)

(CLEARING THROAT)

(CLEARS THROAT)

(CLEARS THROAT)

(CLEARS THROAT)

(CLEARS THROAT)

(COUGHING)

(CRYING)

(DANCE MUSIC RINGTONE PLAYING)

(DANGER ZONE PLAYING ON STEREO)

(DOGS BARKING)

(DOOR OPENING)

(DOOR SLAMMING)

(DRESS RIPPING)

(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)

(EXCLAIMING)

(EXCLAIMING)

(EXCLAIMING)

(EXCLAIMING)

(EXCLAIMING)

(EXCLAIMING)

(EXCLAIMING)

(EXCLAIMING) Happy prom, everybody. Going to prom.

(EXCLAIMS ADMITTEDLY)

(EXCLAIMS)

(EXCLAIMS)

(EXCLAIMS)

(EXCLAIMS)

(EXCLAIMS)

(EXCLAIMS)

(EXCLAIMS)

(EXCLAIMS)

(EXCLAIMS)

(EXCLAIMS)

(EXCLAIMS)

(EXCLAIMS)

(EXCLAIMS) Don't you think we're a little past sushi at this point?

(EXHALES)

(EXHALES)

(EXHALES)

(FAST FORWARD) I told him he could bring a date to the wedding.

(FEIGNED COUGHING)

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

(GAGS)

(GAGS)

(GASPING FRANTICALLY)

(GASPING)

(GASPING)

(GASPING)

(GASPS IN DISGUST)

(GASPS)

(GASPS)

(GASPS)

(GASPS)

(GIGGLING)

(GIGGLING)

(GIGGLING)

(GIGGLING)

(GROANING)

(GROANING)

(GROANING)

(GROANS)

(GROANS)

(GROANS)

(GROUP CHORUSING)

(GRUNTING)

(GRUNTING)

(GRUNTING)

(GRUNTING)

(GRUNTING)

(GRUNTS)

(GRUNTS) Wakes you up in the morning.

(GUNS FIRING)

(HOUSE MUSIC PLAYING)

(IMITATES ECHO)

(IMITATES ECHO)

(IMITATES PHONE RINGING)

(IMITATING BUZZER SOUNDING)

(IMITATING TECHNO MUSIC)

(IN BRITISH ACCENT) "I'm three months pregnant."

(IN BRITISH ACCENT) Oh, hello, governor. Oh, it's like that, innit? Cheerio.

(IN FAST FORWARD)

(IN HIGH PITCHED VOICE) What?

(IN RUSSIAN ACCENT) Hello, American party friends of Barney's.

(INAUDIBLE)

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

(LAUGHING JUBILANTLY)

(LAUGHING)

(LAUGHING)

(LAUGHING)

(LAUGHING)

(LAUGHING)

(LAUGHING)

(LAUGHING)

(LAUGHING)

(LAUGHING)

(LAUGHING)

(LAUGHING)

(LAUGHING)

(LAUGHING) And you're just finding a band?

(LAUGHING) It tickles!

(LAUGHING) Okay, you want us to go over there, right now,

(LAUGHING) Please.

(LAUGHING) You're funny.

(LAUGHS MANIACALLY)

(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS) Really? 'Cause he's totally vibing me right now.

(LILY FEIGNING LAUGHTER)

(LILY SCREAMING)

(LILY SCREAMING)

(LOUD TECHNO MUSIC PLAYING)

(MAN SHUSHING)

(MAN SINGING)

(MIMICKING GUITAR RIFF)

(MIMICKING PARROT) Sad commentary.

(MIMICKING PARROT) So, what do you think?

(MIMICS WHIP CRACKING)

(MOANING IN SATISFACTION)

(MOTHER OF PEARL PLAYING)

(MOUSE SQUEAKING)

(MOUSE SQUEAKING)

(MOUSE SQUEAKING)

(MUMBLING)

(MUSIC PLAYING ON CD PLA YER)

(MUSIC PLAYING ON JUKEBOX)

(MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO)

(MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO)

(MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO)

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(MUSIC RESTARTS)

(MUSIC STOPS)

(MUSIC STOPS)

(MUTTERING ANGRILY)

(NATALYA LAUGHING)

(NERVOUS CHUCKLING)

(OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING)

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

(PEOPLE CHEERING)

(PHONE RINGING)

(PHONE RINGING)

(PHONE RINGING)

(PHONE RINGING)

(PHONE RINGING)

(PHONE RINGING)

(PHONE RINGING)

(PHONE RINGING)

(PHONE RINGING)

(PHONE RINGING)

(PLAYING GOOD FEELING)

(PLAYING ROCKSONG)

(RANJIT SINGING)

(ROBIN CHA TTERING ON PHONE)

(ROBIN GIGGLES)

(ROBIN LAUGHING)

(ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING)

(ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING)

(SCOFFING) Lily? Who cares, right?

(SCOFFS)

(SCOFFS)

(SCOFFS)

(SCOFFS)

(SCOFFS) "There's this girl?"

(SCOFFS) And, not gonna be me.

(SCOFFS) What point?

(SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING)

(SHANNON AND GREG LAUGHING)

(SHANNON MOANING)

(SHUSHING)

(SHUSHING)

(SHUSHING)

(SHUSHING) Baby, don't worry about it. I called The 88!

(SHUSHING) Sweetie, just focus on one thing at a time, okay?

(SIGHING)

(SIGHING)

(SIGHS)

(SIGHS)

(SIGHS)

(SINGING MOCKINGLY)

(SINGING SUMMER BREEZE)

(SINGING SUMMER BREEZE)

(SINGING YOU GIVE LOVE A BAD NAME)

(SINGING)

(SINGING)

(SINGING)

(SINGING)

(SLAPPING)

(SNORING)

(SNORING)

(SOBBING)

(SOBBING) Put it on my tab.

(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

(SPEAKING JAPANESE)

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

(SPEAKING UKRAINIAN)

(SPEAKING WITH IRISH ACCENT) The lass thinks

(SQUAWKS)

(STAMMERING)

(STAMMERING) I'm sort of amazed at how much I like you.

(STAMMERING) Marshall. Hi. Yes. Yes, I do.

(STAMMERING) No, it's just this guy at the station.

(STAMMERING) We couldn't go back for Natalya, a human being,

(STAMMERING) You know, I wouldn't normally say this on a first date,

(STUTTERING) No... Oh, damn it!

(TED BELLOWING)

(TED GROANING)

(TED PLAYING THE ENTERTAINER ON THE PIANO)

(TED SCREAMING)

(THUNDER CLAPPING)

(TIRE BURSTING)

(TURNS OFF STEREO)

(VIOLENTFEMMES PLAYING GOOD FEELING)

(VOMITING)

(VOMITING)

(WHIMPERING)

(WHISPERING) And these are just the attractive ones.

(WHISPERING) And they're not even high.

(WHISPERING) No, I swore you to secrecy on that.

(WHISPERING) Oh, my God! What are they doing home?

(WHISPERING) They broke up.

(WHISPERS) Thank you.

(WHOOPING)

(WHOOPS)

(WHOOSHING)

(WINGS FLAPPING)

(YELLING)

(YELLING)

(YELLING)

(YELLING) Do you hear me, universe?

(YELLING) I'm really glad you guys came out tonight!

(YELLING) You know, dude, can I just say something?

(YOU GIVE LOVE A BAD NAME PLAYING ON STEREO)

$100 says when you turn around I say, "Wow!"

$100 says when you turn around...

$100.

8.5. So he sucks!