The Best Man Holiday (2013) Edit

A bunch of places. Don't worry about it.

A faithful family man who has always

A game that will not only determine the division,

A new and glorious morn

A tall, vanilla swagger latte.

A touchdown here wins it.

A touchdown here wins it.

About eight and a half, nine.

About her past like that, right?

Absolutely not.

Across the 30!

Ah!

Ah! Praying Mantis!

Ah. The latest Harper Stewart masterpiece.

Ain't no think.

Ain't nobody here been with her, man.

Ain't the best at rocking the mic...

Airbrush.

All I do is criticize her because she's not me.

All right, cool.

All right, cool.

All right, everybody, then.

All right, I should tell Robyn.

All right, Lancie.

All right, well, can we self publish?

All right, y'all better work.

All right, y'all?

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All righty, now.

Along with manhood, scholarship, perseverance and uplifting.

Always

Always

Always be right there

Always messing around!

Am I making too much noise?

Amen.

Ancestry,

And 165,328,

And a beautiful run by Lance Sullivan.

And a big inspiration to this cat.

And a frustrating evening continues for Lance Sullivan.

And a lot of work for Mia.

And after dessert, it's pajama time!

And back to you guys in the studio.

And both of their families are coming, too.

And box seats at the record breaking game!

And Brian and I are going to Hawaii the day after Christmas.

And Brian, welcome.

And deliver the message in person.

And don't be embarrassed, man.

And don't worry, I will definitely drink enough for two.

And he's off to the races!

And he's retiring.

And how did you meet again?

And how's that helped you?

And I am those girls' mother.

And I can't rest knowing that you're still holding on to this.

And I can't rest knowing that you're still holding on to this.

And I didn't think...

And I hope to one day be on his level.

And I knew it would hurt you.

And I know it's true.

And I know my way around a vagina.

And I love who you are.

And I love you, sis.

And I mean nothing.

And I miss you.

And I think you do, too.

And I was drunk! Babe...

And I will wake you when the rest of the fam gets here, okay?

And I'm afraid we're gonna lose this...

And I'm just, Jordan's always just too damn busy.

And I'm sorry for that.

And I'm sorry that I chose him.

And if you need something, you talk to your friends.

And it was your bama ass that married a stripper!

And it's all aimed at him, but we all played a part in it.

And Julian,

And keep in touch.

And let Candy take care of you. Okay?

And my daddy.

And my little baby girl wasn't even breathing when she came into this world.

And not just "black people" smart.

And now porn is just on your smartphone.

And now, I...

And on Christmas you play for him.

And our insurance is shit.

And Quentin was crying about...

And she never let anybody know that she was sick, you know.

And she tries, you know. She calls, she emails.

And thankful.

And that frustration

And that was a mild hit back when Obama was first elected.

And that's really what I wanted to do.

And that's what makes this even more difficult.

And the soul felt its worth

And these fertility treatments...

And this is not helping.

And tonight he is poised to break the all time rushing record.

And walk away with the rushing record.

And we are live this evening,

And we are not about to start right now!

And we're gonna keep that moving.

And what about that rushing record?

And when it hits him that I'm...

And you got a low sperm count.

And you need privacy settings.

And you think it'll fit with the luggage?

And you're always working, and...

And you're still working?

And your titties are huge!

And, bitch, you best not say another motherfucking word!

Any luck finding a new donor?

Anything new?

Anything out of the ordinary with Mia?

Anyway, shoot.

Anyway.

Are you all good on drinks?

Are you all right?

Are you excited?

Are you happy now?

Are you happy?

Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me!

Are you okay, Robyn?

Are you okay?

Are you okay?

Are you sure that he just smokes weed?

Are you sure this isn't a good time?

As long as she's still here, you're right on time.

As long as we stick to football, we're straight.

At rocking the mic, then maybe she didn't.

Atlanta's saying it's not going to be easy tonight.

August Wilson is an American legend,

August, Hope,

August. August.

Auntie Shelby's here!

B Mac? B Mac?

B Mac.

Baby, can you just...

Baby, come on now, you look amazing.

Baby, I know you're fine.

Baby, I love you.

Baby.

Be careful, Q, don't hurt yourself.

Because all I have is my word.

Because I can't get a signal up in here.

Because I don't want it to be taken out of context.

Because I thought you meant the one... No. Right, Brian.

Because I'm Q, baby.

Because in the past couple of days,

Because of her,

Because of her, we're family.

Because of the credit card.

Because somebody threw up in his brand new...

Because you know he'll do whatever she says.

Because you know he'll do whatever she says.

Because you rarely hear about brothers

Before I had to raise your game up.

Being with her in the days leading to her home going,

Believe me, your whole strong, independent,

Besides, you could get any biographer you wanted, right?

Besides, you're good at keeping secrets, right?

Better call your baby daddy.

Between you and your mate, it's fine.

Between your wife and your ex, it's like what, Mob Wives up in here.

Big L, Big L, hanging up the cleats, huh?

Big, black dick. It's big, it's black.

Black and white dinner, talent show,

Boiling over now on the sideline.

Boy, pull your pants up!

Breaks free across the 20.

Breaks free in the open field.

Brian Mc... McDougal.

Brian McDonald. Harper Stewart.

Budget cuts.

But he's always there.

But I have moved on

But I need your help.

But I want you to know that I am really happy for you and Harper.

But I'm gonna tell you right now,

But it's just your turn now.

But it's not my fault what happened before.

But it's playful and fun. Here we go.

But Jordan is pretty special.

But just keep it between us.

But not before I moved those chains. First down.

But not Mia.

But one thing.

But she is fine as hell.

But sometimes I need that, too.

But sometimes you act like you don't need me.

But the next great idea will come.

But this is a big deal.

But to celebrate life.

But we won't know until we speak with Harper.

But what about Vermont?

But whatever, I can live the lush life for a few days,

But you know what? I'm glad I did.

But you made me like this.

But you'll hate yourself more if you don't ask him.

Can I get an amen on the big, black dick?

Can we be in it, too?

Can we just arrange some playdates for the girls?

Can we talk?

Can you stand the rain?

Can't we just have lunch sometime?

Cancer?

Candace, listen to me.

Candace, wait. Wait! Why?

Candace? No.

Candace. Stop. What?

Children, come say hello.

Children.

Coach, give me the ball.

Come again?

Come here. Come here!

Come on, babies.

Come on, baby, let's go get wet

Come on, baby.

Come on, baby.

Come on, D! Big down right here! Big down!

Come on, Dad.

Come on, get in here! Hey, now.

Come on, man, come on!

Come on, man. I've dated all kinds of women.

Come on, Stan, you know I hate that shit.

Come on, y'all. I'm fine.

Come on, you guys. Let's watch TV. Mommy's okay.

Come on. Calm down.

Come on. It's okay.

Come.

Congratulations. Thank you.

Could have fooled me.

Could you just put your phone away, please? Thank you.

Covered by Atlanta!

Cowboy Nation just fell silent.

Cowboy Nation was in a frenzy.

Cute little nose.

Daddy, you were... You scored 100!

Daddy!

Daddy's on! Daddy's on!

Damn, ****a, are you writing a book?

Damn.

Damnedest thing, none of my devices were working, so...

Dap it up. There we go. High five. Pound it out.

Deal with it. Damn it.

Déjà vu, huh?

Déjà vu, huh?

Desperate for what? We're fine.

Despite how bad a mother I am?

Dessert!

Dick sucking, stripping ho! Right?

Did Jordan steal this one too?

Did you know true love asks for nothing?

Did you pray on it?

Did you see that, Mom?

Didn't Shelby and Mia pledge together?

Dinner? Yeah.

Dirty bitch! Let me go!

Displayed a level of professionalism

Diversity?

Divine

Divine

Do me a favor and after you send me a copy,

Do you have a baby in there?

Do you mind taking this turkey over there?

Do you need anything?

Do you need me to pray with you?

Do you need some money?

Do you remember Janice Burroughs?

Do you see that coat?

Do you think Brian is going to pop

Doctor Nelson! Doctor Nelson! No, no! Oh, God.

Doesn't it?

Don't be. Mia's going to be fine.

Don't bullshit me, man.

Don't cry, baby.

Don't lie to Santa.

Don't read that. "First pro yards, guiding principles..."

Don't say anything. Just keep it to yourself.

Don't take it off yet. Kennedy likes light skinned Santa.

Don't try to change my mind.

Don't worry about it. I got to get out of here.

Don't worry. I can keep a secret.

Don't you guys look cute in your PJs!

Don't you think I doubt myself sometimes, too?

Don't.

Don't...

Elliot Gibson, the philanthropist?

Ellis. Screen to the left side.

Especially for you.

Especially with "Baby mama drama this,

Even though none of us wanted to believe she would be here,

Every man remembers his personal best headmaster.

Everybody loves them

Everybody needs somebody, Jordan.

Everybody, I'll just put it out there.

Everyone already knows I'm a ghetto ass

Everyone?

Everything looks okay though, right, Doc?

Everything's gonna be fine, baby. All right?

Exactly.

Excuse me.

Excuse us, ladies.

Exploit your friend for capital gain!

Faith, can you help your sister?

Fellas, fellas, fellas.

First of all, it's not porn.

For me, it would be creativity, stability and partnership.

For me.

For real.

For real. I'm straight.

For the ageless veteran Lance Sullivan.

For the New York Giants and the Atlanta Falcons.

For yonder breaks

Forever this time. You hear me? Forever!

Fourth and goal. It's going to come down to who wants it the most.

Fourth and goal. The Giants down five.

Fuck you!

Fuck your thing! This is a check!

Fucking bitch! Oh, my God.

Get freaky with my man!

Get it, baby. Get it.

Get off of me!

Get out of this doggone suit.

Get some sleep. Okay.

Get some sleep. Yeah.

Get those cameras out of my face!

Get your ass in here!

Gingerbread house making,

Girl, they won't stop growing.

Girl, what did you say to him?

Girls, slow down, please!

Girls! Candace!

Give me the ball, Coach.

Give up the big, black dick?

Giving away the football to that Atlanta defense.

Go back to bed.

Go on, Dad.

Go play and make us proud.

Go play.

Go, Lance!

God damn it.

God is good, you all.

God, Candace.

God, family, football.

God, family, football.

God, she's beautiful.

God! Robyn's real specific.

God. Lance, this isn't what it looks like.

God. Lance, this isn't what it looks like.

Goddamn onions.

Good for her, man.

Good looking out. I appreciate it though.

Good point.

Good times.

Good to see you again, Harper.

Gosh, you too.

Got it.

Great way to celebrate.

Greg, as a player, this is the moment that you live for.

Guess you're off your high horse now, ain't you?

Hang in there, baby.

Hang in there.

Hang on, Robyn.

Harp, my ****a! What's up, man?

Harp? Yeah?

Harper knows, honey.

Harper,

Harper, I don't even think your loyal fans want this.

Harper, it is the time and now.

Harper, people have the attention span for 140 characters,

Harper, you have a package.

Harper!

Harper.

Harper's my boy.

Harpy, I've been in this business a long time.

Has he ever thought about writing his memoirs?

Hate to be on the other side of that phone call.

Have you thought any more about pursuing his bio?

He called one of his daughters home.

He delivered all my kids and I trust him.

He is a cutie pie keeper.

He is attacking this Atlanta defense.

He just kept working, you know. That's what he does.

He knows who you are.

He listens to you.

He must have bathed in the fountain of youth at halftime.

He needs you. And you need him.

He paid for that.

He was a very reluctant subject.

He was giving you a hard time.

He'd never get that bored.

He's biting me! He's biting me!

He's biting me! He's biting me!

He's definitely in the Christmas spirit.

He's going to have to turn it on in order to get a victory,

He's gonna need to talk me through this

He's got a chance to get this record break.

He's got such a legacy, and I think people

He's got the feet. Feet!

He's got the feet. Oh, God! It's feet!

He's here?

He's heroic, he's charismatic.

He's just messing with you, man.

Hell no, it ain't close.

Hello, hello!

Hello!

Hello!

Hello?

Hello?

Hello? Excuse me?

Here comes another one.

Here it comes.

Here she goes cooking a four course meal.

Here we go.

Here, let me hang your ornament.

Here, let me take your bags.

Hey there, gorgeous. Hey.

Hey, babe. Hey.

Hey, Candace!

Hey, cutie.

Hey, Harper.

Hey, hey, hey!

Hey, hey.

Hey, hey. Hold up.

Hey, how are you? It's nice to see you.

Hey, L.

Hey, listen, you know, Robyn.

Hey, man, do you guys want me to step out?

Hey, stranger. Merry Christmas.

Hey, um...

Hey, what's happening, girl?

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey! Hi, girls.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey. I'll see you over there.

Hi, baby!

Hi, everyone, I'm Greg Gumbel alongside Eddie George,

Hi, Jordan.

Hi, Lancie!

Hi, Mom. Are you okay?

Hi, Mr. Murch.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi. Am I interrupting?

Hi. Hi, Robyn. How are you?

Hi. Say hi to your mom for me.

Hi. This is Robyn. Leave me a message!

Hi. What's up?

His bio... No, no, not really.

Hit at the line of scrimmage. Driven back.

Hit inside the five by two defenders.

Hit! And he lost the football.

Hmm.

Hmm. Prada?

Ho ho ho!

Hold on to the football! Let's go!

Hold on.

Hold your hand? Read Scripture?

Honestly, I...

Honey, I'm sorry.

Honey, nobody here is gonna judge you.

Honey, this is your gift to the world.

Honey... No, I need to be here for you.

Hop out. We got to talk.

Hope so. Okay.

Hope, honey, can you hold still?

How are you?

How are you? Good to see you.

How can I calm down?

How can you be so sure?

How did this Elliot guy find this in the first place?

How dilated is she?

How do I know? Is he a porn watcher?

How do we know that this ain't some Django Candyland fantasy?

How do you expect me to... It's what we want.

How long have you known?

How much pressure do you feel to perform at a high level?

How you doing?

How you doing?

How's it going in there?

How's Kennedy? Is she okay?

How's she doing?

Huh.

Hurry up, Murch.

I ain't nobody's babysitter.

I am a pimp,

I am about five minutes off her motherfucking ass.

I am begging you. Okay.

I am going to resign, Julian.

I am holding still, Mommy.

I am not being defensive!

I am so in love with you, okay?

I am so sorry.

I am your wife. Come to me first.

I am.

I appreciate you all.

I appreciate you, brother.

I call it a stimulus package.

I called us a car, man.

I can handle it. I can handle it.

I can have this baby.

I can have this baby.

I can touch it.

I can't sell this.

I can't stand it.

I can't tell you how good it is to have

I could've killed you last night.

I deserve it.

I deserve this.

I did it.

I did.

I didn't allow myself to think that...

I didn't even look at you! Shut up, Murch.

I didn't know she'd make it a topic of discussion.

I didn't say it was your fault. That's how you act.

I didn't say nothing about that.

I didn't say that. I didn't say she's not the best.

I didn't want to be cut, but I want you to cut me.

I didn't want to stress you out.

I don't have a low sperm...

I don't have one maternal bone in my body.

I don't know why these white folks pay me,

I don't know, I just don't think it's fair, man.

I don't know, it just seems like,

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know. There's something about pen and paper.

I don't need him.

I don't think I can have faith in something like that.

I don't want to let you down, Mia.

I don't.

I got a team meeting. Let's do this.

I got it. Hold up.

I got the feet.

I got this.

I got to call the company, because it's getting embarrassing, but I'm...

I got to check her cervix.

I got to take this. Hold that, hold that.

I got you, Harp, okay? Everything's gonna be all right.

I got you, man. I'm hitting the bathroom first.

I got you, man. I'm hitting the bathroom first.

I got you. Okay?

I guess I'll see you this weekend?

I guess she really wants us there.

I guess that's nice to hear, right?

I guess. Baby.

I hate texts.

I hate you so much. Get out of my office.

I hate you, man.

I hate your momma.

I haven't told Robyn yet. Why not?

I haven't written a bestseller in years.

I hear you, man.

I heard you had writer's block.

I heard! Just do it! Let's go!

I just continue to do my best with what God gave me, that's all.

I just don't do it as often as you do.

I just don't know that I'm ready to...

I just don't understand why you would do something like that.

I knew I belonged then.

I knew I was wrong.

I knew what I was doing.

I know a lot more than you do. You have a child?

I know enough of the story. You think you do.

I know exactly who you're talking about. I hated her.

I know how to deal with a child. No, you don't!

I know it.

I know Mia's sick!

I know that God has a plan.

I know that you're gonna be late.

I know who I married.

I know, but I specifically asked you not to.

I know, but you're not a doctor.

I know, I know all the days won't be perfect

I know.

I know.

I know. Ka ching!

I let my guard down. I let my guard down!

I like him.

I look like a cow.

I love all of you. And Harper?

I love football, but it's my job. It's not life or death.

I love him.

I love you, babies. I love you too, Mommy.

I love you, Harper. Love you, too.

I love you, Julian.

I love you, Lance Sullivan.

I love you, man.

I love you, too.

I love you.

I love you. I love you so much.

I love you. I love you.

I mean, beautiful baby.

I mean, critical.

I mean, I have to see a business plan.

I mean, I love him, but we are definitely outside the bubble.

I mean, it's not packaged in any briefs or anything like that?

I mean, she is just the sweetest thing.

I mean, that could have... A shot to the head.

I mean, we used to be best friends.

I mean, you can't give up.

I miss you. And I wish you were here.

I need you to be there for him.

I needed the money. Okay?

I only stopped by for a second. All right, baby.

I promise.

I really hate you.

I really wanted to get you something, but...

I remember you gave me a crib sheet.

I should have known.

I so dodged a bullet.

I still could right now.

I swear, Robyn.

I tell you, these housewives, they're like a gold mine.

I think I got a pebble in my shoe or something.

I think it's brilliant. Have you asked him?

I think Mia's mind is made up too.

I think that's for the best.

I think the kids...

I thought I heard something.

I thought I was being nice.

I thought I'd hit the trail myself.

I told him what I wanted for Christmas.

I told you, karma's a bitch, man.

I try really hard to be positive and supportive.

I try really hard.

I want that back.

I want to make love to you tonight.

I want you to be a little nicer.

I want you to push, okay? Are you with me?

I wanted to give you this.

I wanted to inspire you.

I was 13.

I was desperate.

I was hoping that we could schedule a face to face meeting.

I was just in the neighborhood,

I was nervous, excited.

I was young and I was stupid,

I will never forgive him.

I wish it could be for the whole weekend.

I won't tell if you don't.

I wonder what would happen if...

I'd do it.

I'd err on the side of caution.

I'd have to be a bitch to be concerned

I'll be back when I'm back.

I'll be here when you get back.

I'll call you when I land.

I'll give you a head start.

I'll probably just end up staying here or something.

I'll Screaming Monkey all over your ass!

I'll talk to you later. Bye.

I'm "TV's Most Notorious."

I'm calling PETA.

I'm fine, honey. Thanks.

I'm floored. I'm amazed.

I'm glad you guys saw it.

I'm going to go to the kitchen. Do you need anything?

I'm gonna go warm up the car. All right? Okay.

I'm gonna need something stronger than this.

I'm here as your friend, Julian.

I'm just saying, Jordan's good people, you should get to know her.

I'm losing my best friend.

I'm not going to be famous,

I'm not here for you like that anymore, Shelby.

I'm not nervous. Just...

I'm not your honey.

I'm on the phone! Why don't you get out of my business?

I'm pretty sure your new book is going to be absolutely wonderful.

I'm saying, if she's not the best

I'm scared, too.

I'm scared.

I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry things didn't pan out

I'm sorry, can I trouble you for the bathroom?

I'm sorry, could you...

I'm sorry, hon.

I'm sorry, honey.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, Mia. You want to help? Help Kennedy.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. What?

I'm surprised she got past all of you guys.

I'm using the bathroom.

I'm watching TV.

I've been around, you know, writing.

I've been trying to find the right moment

If another woman that you slept with

If Candace

If I didn't know any better, I'd think you gave her that video on purpose.

If it didn't matter to you then,

If it's important to you, it's important to me.

If the front door is closed, I go around the back.

If they can get the word "homo" banned,

If they even know you're alive.

If we wanted to see booty, we had to either cop Playboy magazines

If you and Candy ever get into some money problems,

If you and I really gave it a shot.

If you need me to, I can work on Mia,

If you say so. Yeah.

If you want to do Lance's bio, then ask him.

In case things get a little hairy.

In due time. In due time.

In my hand?

In sin and error pining

In that order.

In the hood with fertility issues.

In what way? How?

Into three words, what would they be?

Is it Elliot?

Is Jordan your first safari into the enchanted jungle?

Is that a work thing, because I can...

Is that better? No. Call me.

Is that what you used to say to your customers?

Is there cause for concern?

Isn't he a bit of a morality nut?

Iso lead was the play.

It belittles both of us.

It hurts. I know.

It is the night

It just goes in your mouth, in your ass.

It was a joke. Just trying to lighten the mood.

It was perfect.

It was so good!

It was third and long in Dallas.

It wouldn't change anything.

It wouldn't change anything.

It'd be good for you to be with your friends.

It'll touch so many people and lift so many spirits.

It's a breech baby, Doc.

It's a girl.