New Girl - Season 2 Edit

A con man like: What's the play?

A dad that gave me a wink when I left for prom night, and said, "Be safe, son."

A dad that spent Saturdays with me throwing the football. Heh.

A dad that took me camping.

A guy who once wrote for a little show called Crank Yankers.

A hookup. It meant nothing.

A ladder.

A line has been crossed. You, my friend, have become her fluff er.

A man who has proved so capable of talking about so little for so long...

A one or a three. Anything but a two.

A pan ethnic, pan sexual hive mind, and they want nothing to do with me.

A parent trap takes weeks of schedule. You're just throwing this together.

A pogo is what your friends talk about when you leave the room.

A pretty heavy drug problem.

A sexy undead driver's ed teacher. That's my sweet spot.

A smile class.

A suit? They put that on Morgan Freeman when they let him out of Shawshank.

A tiny little baby.

A world where I have not one, but two catchphrases.

A world where it's okay that I'm still finding myself.

A writing class is for somebody who doesn't think lyrically...

Aah!

Aah! Schmidt. It looks like an open Swiss army knife.

About my blue curtains...

About this in the morning.

Actually went to Legoland with them last year.

Actually, I'm gonna be remolding the minds of grownups.

Actually, um, I'm a bit of a sucker for second chances

Adjusted schedule. Let the snakes out.

Admiral Hornbeck! Brian, down!

Admiral! Brian!

African American male, life expectancy...

After we do it, you'll wanna talk, I can't allow that.

Ah, don't worry about him.

Ah, ha, ha, that's great.

Ah, maybe I was a little jealous.

Ah!

Ah! I knew it. I knew it. Didn't I tell you? I knew it.

Ah...

Ahem, you know what I mean?

Ahem. Hey.

Ahem. I really like your de...

Ahh. Eh.

Alisha, have a drink with me.

ALL (chanting): Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!

ALL (chanting): Schmidt, Schmidt, Schmidt!

ALL [CHANTING]: Shot girl, shot girl, shot girl!

All bets are off if you take a shower.

All his murder victims are already dead, so they obviously don't need a detective.

All I do is help you get laid, Nick.

All I ever did was love him.

All I have to do is meet him...

All I'm looking for is a second chance.

All new styling. Eighteen inch aluminum wheels.

All right, all right, you know, this is the most elaborate way

All right, all right.

All right, calm down. Everybody just...

All right, honey, I'll take them off.

All right, I gotta give you something now.

All right, look.

All right, looks good. No leaks.

All right, man, I'm in. You lead, my man.

All right, man. You've gotta be kidding me.

All right, maybe, uh...

All right, Nick. Very funny.

All right, now, it's no big deal, but I'm on an adjusted schedule.

All right, Pop. You want me to lose your money, I'll be happy to.

All right, the bruise is gonna heal.

All right, there's only one way to solve this.

All right, whatever's about to happen is gonna happen.

All right.

All right.

All right. Ahem.

All right. What happened with that girl?

All right. You know what? Forget it. I give.

All the anger that used to be inside of me, it's gone! It's gone! It's gone!

All the things a boyfriend would do.

All the way to the hole.

All these racist in jokes about Romanians?

All those pictures of sad trees and your lunches.

ALL: FDR!

ALL: I am not a crook!

ALL: Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!

ALL: Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!

ALL: Schmidt! Schmidt! Schmidt!

ALL: Surrender your shirt!

ALL: Yeah!

Allie, Joe, Thomas, Gracie, Wyatt, Parker, Miles, Jonathan...

Always gotta have a plan B, Robby.

Am I right, ladies?

And a dirty one, at that.

And all I have to do is be infected with dengue fever.

And also, I do accept payment in the form of whip its...

And because these suckers think our horse is Big Brown's nephew, they'll overpay.

And bloody weapons.

And by the way, I know what you've been thinking.

And cutting peppers in the classic style de julienne.

And damn it, I'm in the red zone.

And don't talk like that.

And for that, my friend, I'm proud of you

And get up long enough for one of these bozos to hire you.

And googly eyes. The googly eyes are actually kind of sexy, but that's beside...

And here comes the weirdness.

And I broke that rule, and...

And I can do the same thing to a man's arm.

And I do... I do bad things.

And I got that really long, sharp toenail that you love so much.

And I have been in love with you for so long.

And I have been so good this week. I lost four pounds.

And I just want you to know that you can talk to me about anything.

And I made an astute observation.

And I tell you what, there are parts of my butt only a tub can clean.

And I understand why you wanna break pipes now.

And I wanna ask you out for real, so...

And I will use a phrase you coined. Vagenius.

And I...

And I'd appreciate it if you don't just hug me randomly. That's weird and...

And I'm fast.

And I'm fine with that.

And I'm gonna give them to you

And I'm gonna kick him to the curb once I've used his body like a moisturizer sample.

And I'm the girl from my dreams of you.

And I've never said those words

And if you don't, I'm gonna water massage you again.

And in summation, I feel...

And it has room for your hips.

And it's because of you.

And just think, I am the worst?

And look at that font.

And my future biracial child.

And nothing has changed! Nothing has changed!

And now all I have is this stupid hat.

And obviously Cece

And please, please tell me he's on some sort of medication...

And pockets that don't quit.

And pretend like I'm just thinking of it, but I'm not...

And real relationships are not like that, they're more complicated than that.

And salt. What's this?

And she's gonna talk to you.

And so, Nickels comes in screaming, "Daddy, Daddy."

And such small portions.

And sure enough, there is a tick at the end of his little penis.

And that's not gonna happen.

And the answer is yes.

And the good news is you don't have to care about me either.

And the look on your face.

And the things that you say.

And the truth is...

And the winner of this contest will be declared the one true Schmidt.

And then everybody gets a churro.

And then he was always there.

And then I realized that there was only one way for the story to end.

And then I was like, "Nick, this might be the best thing that ever happened to me."

And then it gets better.

And then my dad's gonna be here at 2:30 and he's gonna stay till 7:30.

And then there was one.

And then today he turned in this amazing story.

And there has to be a clear

And they talk to the Ravens and their owner, Art Modell.

And to be honest, Jess, it scares me.

And turn that nonsense down!

And we can still tear each other apart.

And we say, "Ah, what a conundrum. Please join us."

And we will let you right out.

And what if I wanted to take a body shot off you?

And what's up with the way you kiss?

And when are you gonna get that through that giant head of yours?

And when I wear it, I feel hot to trot.

And work my way up to your facial hair.

And worse, if we met them now, you think we'd still be friends with them?

And you are one big challenge.

And you can hit on CeCe and make fun of me all day long...

And you look a little pale. What have you been eating?

And you picked the wrong guy.

And you, London Fog, you're looking hot to trot, baby.

And...

Andy and I have been sending each other some pretty dirty texts.

Anger problem? Living with them, are you kidding me?

Any chance that I sunny side upped my eggs?

Anybody asks, you're the ball boy.

Anybody seen a movie in the last five months? Can you describe the plot in detail and loudly?

Anybody want me to wet their whistle?

Anybody?

Anything besides marriage is, you know, an abuse.

Apparently this is an affliction that men suffer from all the time.

Apricot, apricot, apricot.

Apricots. Apricots... And butter.

Are you a doc... Is he a doctor?

Are you a doctor, is that why?

Are you a tongue er?

Are you angry at me about something, Little Penis?

Are you being serious right now? Are you really taking Schmidt's side?

Are you calling me stupid? You're stupid.

Are you cooking a frittata in a sauce pan?

Are you gonna tell anybody about my underwear?

Are you happy now? Now I have to get to know the guy I'm sleeping with.

Are you in a band?

Are you kidding me? That's ridiculous. Twenty minutes of foreplay?

Are you kidding? Really?

Are you literally comparing a zombie novel to my ability to create life?

Are you living with drug dealers?

Are you lying to me? I really hate being lied to.

Are you not getting enough attention?

Are you ready?

Are you sleeping in it?!

Are you spelling it right?

Are you sure? It felt a bit weird.

Are you...? I wanted to talk to you about the regrettable contact between Cece's...

Are you...? You're having an orgy here? This is a big Indian orgy?

Aroused by other people's misery.

As a bartender.

As a friend, you can lift a heavy object...

As if!

As long as they don't get her big fat man feet. Yuck.

As your elder, can I give you a little advice?

As your elder, can I give you a little advice?

Ask him when I meet Kanye.

At least I can legally rent a car.

At least I don't live in a loft with three other...

At least I own a trash can.

At least use Palatino.

At night, I can actually feel gusts of frigid air coming from beneath your door.

Autocorrect changed "body" to "meat bar."

Available lane keeping system. Standard voice activated SYNC.

Bail, bail, bail.

Be some sex having tonight.

Bearclaw just told me a 10 minute joke about squirrels...

BEARCLAW: See, now it's retracting its claws.

BEARCLAW: That's why they call me Bearclaw.

Beautiful.

Because he's slow.

Because I'm about to dribble this hard.

Because it just doesn't seem like...

Because it would be cool. For me.

Because once you cross the bar, it gets messy.

Because she is still in love with me.

Because that's what he does. He lures you in with his charm...

Because that's where I'm at right now.

Because then what I'll do is, is I'll go outside...

Because we do. You both have pogos, my friends.

Because when Cece's all washed up as a model...

Because you don't have that specific hotness that shames men...

Because you drive me nuts, Miller!

Because you're always sighing like you're the president of the United States...

Because you're my friend. You're on my mind. Do you not think about me?

Because, sure, I could get a girl topless, no bra...

Because, you know, I can't...

Been that way since we were kids. Made my life hell.

Been watching you doubt yourself for months.

Before she can blink those big eyes, I'm stabbing her.

Befriending Kanye is the most efficient way to jump social strata.

Being a Romney.

Being secure in your masculinity.

Besides my pogo.

Big fight?

BIG SCHMIDT: All right, time for delts. Oh, yeah?

BIG SCHMIDT: Are we doing this or not?

BIG SCHMIDT: Oh, would you look at that? She is spectacular.

Blue Eyes gets her money back with interest.

Bob, I need to clean you up in the bathroom, please. Come on.

Bob, we are both grown ups. We can make it through one day together.

BOB: Brand new shirt.

BOB: What are we having, turkey sushi? What is this?

Boo! Ha, ha, ha!

Boom, illegal use of the hands.

Boom! Primetime for truckers.

Boring. Yawn.

BOTH [SINGING]: So I have to say I love you in a song

Both so beautiful.

BOTH: Adjusted schedule.

BOTH: Corn.

Bottoms on top!

Boy, am I thirsty.

Brains.

Bride and groom?

Bride and Ninja Turtle.

Bride and Ninja Turtle.

BRORIE: I can't take it!

Burglar? He's not a burglar.

Burn notice, France.

But a bunch of other th... can a man just want all the things?

But at least I'm not 23.

But clinically speaking, it's a good idea to know.

But damn the game If it don't mean nothing

But don't take offense. It's a staple of the genre.

But everything else was right.

But for the record, it was loving and tender. You squeezed my hand at the end.

But how can I not knock down such low hanging fruit?

But I don't know what to do about the giant stitches. Those are gonna scar.

But I gotta follow my passion.

But I love working at the Casserole Shanty.

But I mean, there's... Cool. It's cool.

But I must warn you, Jess, I don't have sperms, I have tadpoles of the gods.

But I won't.

But I'm out here with you. Okay? I love you and I want you to finish your book.

But if I did, I would run way faster than Robby.

But if this is gonna work, you're both helping me.

But if you wanna have dates before sex...

But in my defense...

But it could be bad.

But it gets better with age. It's the vagina Helen Mirren.

But it's because I have a keratin surplus.

But not anymore.

But nothing happened. She just wanted me to taste the V.

But on the plus side...

But she doesn't speak to me or live with me anymore.

But somehow I got on that woman's cycle of menstruation.

But that's someday. For now, let's scheme, my broheem.

But the bad news is is that it seems you are one of them.

But the reason I was in your van is because your little jujube was high as a kite.

But then I grew up.

But then tell me, why does it fit like a damn glove?

But then that's all he said for the next eight hours...

But to be fair,

But we're friends now.

But what if all that's left are the weird eggs? And the evil eggs?

But when you do things like this? I'm sorry.

But with a sexy new twist: Clinton rules.

But you insisted on coming here.

But you know what, I'm not Jenny McCarthy. I know that now.

But you know what? You finished it.

But you need me to have sex.

But you never listen during pipe talk.

But you probably eat fancy ramen now, with like figs in it. I don't know, man!

But you're a bad person, we discussed that. I'm a bad person, we can totally do this.

But you're a bad person, we discussed that. I'm a bad person, we can totally do this.

But you're fine with the rest of it?

But you're good.

Butch it up, Axel Foley. Shelby's coming.

Bye.

C minus. You kiss like a damn bitch.

Cake on your face. Cake all day.

Call your dad.

Calm down, all right? You're overreacting.

Calm down. All right, Schmidt, let's take a walk.

Can I get a broom?

Can I get an ice bucket for this bad boy? More than your normal amount.

Can I help? I'm really good with pranks.

Can I share something with you man to man?

Can you believe that the zoo won't let me borrow their white tiger? I mean, the nerve.

Can you believe that?

Can you imagine how much we'd get done...

Can you imagine how much we'd get done...

Can't find your phone, Jess? I'm not calling this time.

Can't help. At a crucial point in my novel.

Can't wait to hear more.

Can't. Booked a car show for tomorrow.

Casey. Thank you for joining us. Great.

Cece, honey, you have to move on, okay?

Cece, I can pay for our baby's college now.

Cece, I'm gonna pee in my swimsuit...

Cece, I'm ready for a serious commitment. I'm up for a huge promotion at work.

Cece, it's Jess call me back,

Cece, look, my dad left when I was 8.

Cece, please, just... Just open the box.

Cece, watch this one.

CECE: A doctor?

CECE: Hey. Hey.

CECE: Hmm.

CECE: It's fine. It's... WINSTON: You...

CECE: Let's try it one more time.

CECE: Not... No. No.

CECE: Oh, my God.

CECE: Ready? Two, three. ROBBY: Okay, one, two, three.

CECE: There he his.

CECE: We're good. Wear the whole thing.

CECE: What am I gonna tell Robby?

CECE: What are you two doing here?

Cece! You drink with mouth?

Cece?

Cece. Are you two kids back together?

CeCe's scared to end it with Robby because clearly she's still nuts about me.

Charmaine. Charmaine!

Chaz is with Fife, Brorie's with, uh...

CHAZ: If we move to Prague, should I paint my nails black?

CHAZ: Jess, what are you talking about? I did not make up:

CHAZ: No. You're just figuring it out.

CHAZ: Why don't we just move to Prague? I need to focus on my art.

CHER [ON TV]: Dionne asking Tai for sex advice...

Chew on that, you clown.

CHORUS: Who's that girl? It's Jess

CHORUS: Who's that girl? It's Jess

CHORUS: Who's that girl? It's Jess

CHORUS: Who's that girl? It's Jess

CHORUS: Who's that girl? It's Jess

CHORUS: Who's that girl? It's Jess

CHORUS: Who's that girl? It's Jess

Citrus flavored for a more refreshing summer experience.

Classic cologne fight.

Clean off! You'll look like Ken Dolls down there.

Close the door.

Close your eyes.

Close your eyes.

Close your mouth, close your eyes.

Coat of arms.

Cold! Cold! Cold shower!

Come here, baby.

Come here. Oh.

Come on jump around with us. Come jump with us, Winston.

Come on over. I wanna give y'all a big hug.

Come on, all you got to do is talk to her,

Come on, come on. Holly, wait!

Come on, guys, just tighten up, all right? Think young. What the hell is that smell?

Come on, Inspector Gadget,

Come on, it's not danger. Stop guessing danger.

Come on, kid. Bring it in. Come on!

Come on, let's make a bet.

Come on, Nick, you have a gift.

Come on, okay, you and I both know we never would have worked.

Come on, Petey.

Come on, we are getting hungry.

Come on, we'll do a big hug ball.

Come on. I spent $6 on this wine.

Come out with us tonight.

Coming to the festivities tomorrow?

Congratulations on your penis, man.

Congratulations, I see you've met the one.

Congratulations, I'm glad you found your passion and that you love what you do...

Congratulations, Schmidt. That... That's weird news.

Consider our sex contract void.

Constipated. I'm constipated.

Cool guy power!

Cool.

Cooler, Jess you are being a cooler right now.

Courtney. Such a pleasure.

Cut into these, please.

Cut my toenails. And the soaking really worked. Look.

Cut! Cut, Nick.

Dad, I'm sorry Katherine cheated on you but it's been months.

Dad, the gum. The gum had sugar in it.

Dad...

Damn it, Uncle Buck. This horse will never race again.

Damn it. Ha, ha.

Damn you, Zimbabwe.

Damn, you're good.

Dance until you can't dance anymore. Dance until you can't dance anymore.

Dance, monkey.

Danger.

Daring or gauche?

Definition is for chicks, man. It's all about size.

Did she ever text you some photos?

Did you guys see Cece's new boyfriend? The commoner.

Did you guys watch porn together?

Did you hit him with your car and become his reluctant caretaker?

Did you just ask me to pick it up to see me bend over?

Did you put shoe polish on your eyes?

Did you say you were "working" on that?

Didn't Schmidt make us get renter's insurance...

Didn't you think it was weird that I kept showing up at your door...

Ding, ding, ding, ding. That's the sound of round two.

Divorce.

Do I have a latex allergy"?

Do I regret it? Yes. Would I do it again? Probably.

Do we invent them?

Do we own an industrial size paper cutter?

Do you ever wonder why we're friends with these people?

Do you guys wanna know what the ultimate test is?

Do you have another outfit in your car?

Do you know what the people I work with call it?

Do you know, once a week he cleans your room...

Do you love your legs? Because diabetes doesn't.

Do you mind if I tell you a story?

Do you mind if I, uh, put this somewhere else?

Do you think Cece and Pavun will make it?

Do you think I wanted to stop teaching?

Do you think I'm a bad friend?

Do you think if we met today, we would still be friends?

Do you think Jess would be mad if I got a turtle and named it Jess?

Do you think the neighbors will want four individual casseroles...

Do you think this is maybe about your dad?

Do you understand the position that puts me in?

Do you want me to go?

Do your thing, girl. Get crazy.

Does everybody tip badly in the future, or is it just you?

Does Jess know you're texting other girls?

Doing a little investigation.

Dollar, dollar bells, y'all!

Don't act like we don't talk about you two behind your backs.

Don't be scared, Nick. You're a grown man. It's just a haunted house.

Don't call my agency. Just tell me where to stand.

Don't call them sweet tangy balls, Jess.

Don't do this, Schmidt, please don't.

Don't do... Don't... No customers...

Don't eat the cat!

Don't feel like being yelled at, so I'm gonna leave.

Don't feel weird, Winston. Everybody has their weird thing. Even me.

Don't get self conscious, you've got this. You've got it.

Don't hog all the meth, Daddy.

Don't know if it's the sweet sounds of Croce...

Don't let me lay my eyes on the Malm collection.

Don't mean to interrupt, I just hear you're the best teacher.

Don't say "adjusted schedule." Super annoying.

Don't see the Queen of England with British people stapled to a cape.

Don't start thinking I'm some amazing guy. This is why I don't tell girls what I do.

Don't stop this. I'm super aroused.

Don't touch the blade, it's hot.

Don't trust your government, kids. Ahem.

Don't wear Old Spice.

Don't wink at me. Okay, look...

Don't worry about my friends. I'd love to hang out with yours.

Don't worry, my mom can throw that dress in with my laundry next time she's here.

Don't worry! I'm here!

Don't you ever prank me!

Don't! Don't!

Don't...

Double V. What do you think?

Drink it up. This is coming off weird. It's creepy, right?

Each shot that you do makes me know you're going that extra mile.

Earlier, when I gave you the cookie I heard: "I don't think about you."

Edgar lives with his mother. Of course he does.

EDGAR: Real nice, you two.

Emma is the craziest woman to ever hit on me.

Emma Sharp, divisional VP of all North America. What are you doing in the break room?

Even if I did show it by picking him up from school in my underwear...

Even if you were, you could always move in with me.

Even more than a real death.

Even though I had that name before she moved in?

Every kid knows what a wheelbarrow is. Put your hands on the ground.

Every man for himself.

Every single day, rain or shine, he just never came back.

Every time. It never works out.

Everybody does it all the time. How do you think I get through the day?

Everybody hates the ****. Your mom's in the majority.

Everybody scoot, a little scoot down

Everything looks good, Jess. Hormone levels are outstanding.

Ew, but okay.

Ew!

Eww! You have the door open, Schmidt.

Except for that one time when you walked out of my sleepover because...

Except only one of us dies at the end of the movie.

Excuse me, do you think this has been easy for me...

Excuse me, have you seen Rhonda? Have you seen the ferret lady?

Excuse me, my friend is too embarrassed to come over here...

Excuse me.

Exhibit D. He did this.

Explain to me again why we're doing this?

Face gets all red and puffy. Makes me sick.

Face smells like a dude's face. Not for me.

Family.

Father. We got your back, Father.

Feel like we're right there.

Feels like a fat man's sitting on my uterus.

Ferguson? Is that you?

Fertilize me, Los Angeles!

FIFE: Moo! ALL: Ha, ha!

Find a way to forgive him for not being a presidential candidate with great hair.

Fine, I'll take off my shirt.

Fine, leave!

Fine, then do it.

Fine. Then you'll see that I was right.

Fire.

First of all, Nick, it is not your coat.

Fish tail, fish tail. Up top.

Fish tails?

Five hundred dollars? You stole $500 from her to buy that horse?

Five hundred dollars.

Five year powertrain. Available active park.

Floor is yours, pal.

For crying out loud.

For me it was the third night of Chanukah '96...

For me it's every time I jet ski.

For some reason, that girl out there,

For sure.

For the EcoBoost engine, give me something mischievous.

Forget it, I'm done. I'm not getting a teaching job.

Forget it. No one understands.

Forgot what you look like when you're not dressed like the loft troll.

Found a dollar on my way out of the restaurant, I used it to buy a slice of pizza.

Four classifications of conflict? Anybody?

French maid handyman does...

Freshman year?

Fricking cake, dudes.

Friends in one box, boyfriends in another, but now...

From power plants that enhance efficiency.

From there, it was just your basic spackle and silkscreen job.

Fun fact: There's a reason why guys nicknamed me Tee Ball.

Funny enough, uh, I crushed it.

Further, go further!

Fusion Hybrid and the Fusion Energy are each powered by a combination...

Game time.

Gary, I can't get out. It's your old pal, Jessica.

Gave me cookie, got you cookie.

Gentlemen, hi.

Get a tub, man. Let's get a tub. I don't care.

Get away from my Edgar.

Get crunk with us, bro.

Get it all, get it all, get it all.

Get it? "Reigning"? Cats and dogs?

Get off my horse, Schmidt.

Get off my horse, Schmidt.

Get out of here, girl, you're missing nothing.

Get out of here!

Get out of the way, I was trained for this.

Get over here now.

Getting a lot of work done?

Give her the coat, Nick.

Give me a hug.

Give me a hug. Nick, give me a hug. Give me... Ow!

Give my little girl drugs again, I will end you.

Go ahead and start the car.

Go have fun.

Go in the "haunted house." I'm gonna go in the "haunted house."

Go like this:

Go, go that's the lava!

God bless America.

God bless Mitt Romney.

God, no. Babies wreck you, Jess.

God, that film, it just... it just reminded me

God!

God! Miller, just kiss me already!

God...

Going to get a bagel. In Chicago.

Good bye.

Good evening, everyone.

Good guess. It's a Wednesday.

Good news I'm lousy with the stuff

Good stuff.

Good thing that I have a security camera in there.

Good, because historically speaking, I'm like catnip to tough African American women.

Good, I love Pop Tarts.

Good, I love Pop Tarts.

Good, we got a lot of feelings going around.

Good.

Good. Look at the light.

Good. Now, what I typically do is I start over here...

Goodbye.

Got an idea. Instead of urine, we use acid. Ha ha.

Got any rings on your fingers? I need them for meth.

Gotta go to the store, does anyone want anything?

Great title. Do we ever get rich and famous?

Great, that's just what bacon needs, more fat.

Great. Good.

Groove is in the heart

Groove is in the heart

Groove is in the heart

GROUP: Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!

Guess what I'm worried about. This sound.

Guys, fire!

Guys, guess what.

Guys, I'm not wearing a wire. I'm not a cop.

Guys, it doesn't have to be like this. Mom, you're in a great place with your practice.

Guys, listen to this.

Guys, that's crazy. This is objectively hilarious.

Ha, ha, ha! Awesome.

Ha, ha, ha. Whoo!

Ha, ha. I did.

Ha, ha. The joke's on you. There aren't any words in there.

Habit.

Half the soup? No, I think I got it.

Hands on the ground.

Happy birthday, Cece.

Happy birthday, dude!

Happy Thanksgiving.

Hard to believe that I used to be a great big fat person.

Harold Hill. Heh.

Have you ever been to the racetrack?

Having said that, it's so hard to move on.

He cares about people for a living. It's so much hotter.

He did it on purpose he did it to impress her!

He didn't pressure me to go on any rides I was uncomfortable with.

He farts when he runs.

He had guts.

He is so weird.

He lived in my freshman dorm. And one day, he was just there.

He looks like Hilary Swank mixed with a sad, wet dog.

He makes the white?

He never even went to the Spring Break house.

He once told me he spent $300 on a pocket square.

He remembered he was married to you, so he tried to beat the memory out of his brain.

He says, "Can't stop thinking about what you're gonna wear tonight."

He says, "Can't stop thinking about what you're gonna wear tonight."

He sent me an email asking how I want to celebrate our "tin" anniversary.

He took El Capitan! Damn it.

He wants to kill you.

He was all over the map. He spent 20 minutes talking about aioli.

He was not a mergentleman."

He was pretty great.

He was the last of his kind and he needed a mother for his merchild.

He works here.

He. He.

He'll move on to the EcoBoost engine and the new interior.

He's a businessman, what are you talking about?

He's a con man. Winston's obsessed with Walt.

He's all out of quarters.

He's freaking out. Amelia's coming to town.

He's going down.

He's gonna get his old on you.

He's gonna name the horse "A Father's Love" because you always wanted a horse.

He's gonna rip her off. He's gonna rip her off.

He's got a 401K and a six pack!

He's got a job? Poke a hole in that condom.

He's got game P.E., 1998

He's Julius Pepperwood from Chicago.

He's like the Hilary Swank of bald men.

He's my uncle.

He's not wrong.

He's really sorry.

He's still reeling from being dumped.

He's the first person I got to use first person narrative.

He's the kind of guy...

He's the plumber from the story. How did I not see this before?

He's tired of doing things for you that go unnoticed.

He's trying to get us to eat candy.

Heart, spirit, body, party.

Heh heh heh. Hmm.

Heh, heh, never talk about your toenails, Schmidt.

Heh, heh, that's a cool shirt. I like that shirt. You look cool, man.

Heh. Angie. Angie, Angie.

Heh. Weren't you here the other day?

Hell, yeah.

Hello?

Help me open this window! Help!

Help! Help me!

Her down there and my...

Her eyes are big. Too big.

Her name was Cecelia.

Here we go.

Here you go.

Here, sit down, relax, watch some TV.

Here's a crazy idea. What if you came?

Here's a picture of the whole family, and you are not in it.

Here's the thermos.

Here's what we do so the guys don't know.

Here's where it's at: I don't work with amateurs. I don't split tips.

Herringbone?

Hey yo!

Hey, Cece.

Hey, coach, put me in.

Hey, everybody! My name's Gary...

Hey, get out of here, you crazy lesbos with your baby making.

Hey, girl

Hey, girl, what your name is?

Hey, guys. Guess what?

Hey, hey, hey! Nick!

Hey, hey! No!

Hey, I drew a cat.

Hey, I got your text.

Hey, I think I might like Sam.

Hey, I'm not an idea of a person. I'm an actual person.

Hey, if we make love later...

Hey, is it totally obvious that I'm not wearing underwear? Because it should be.

Hey, Jess? Where's Jess? Jess,

Hey, Jess.

Hey, Jess. Jess, where are you going?

Hey, Jess. No. I'm, uh...

Hey, lady, can I introduce you...

Hey, lady. Crushing that flute, babe.

Hey, Lincoln, right? That's awesome. I was thinking about Lincoln today.

Hey, look, Cece. Fire.

Hey, man, 13 minutes of sleep. Honestly, seriously, 13 minutes. That's all I got.

Hey, man, you do what you do. Be you, man.

Hey, maybe that's her.

Hey, Mom, it's me.

Hey, Mr. Belvedere, there's two guys outside...

Hey, Nadia. Sorry.

Hey, Nana, Pop Pop. You missed an unreal hang last night.

Hey, Nick, if you ever feel the urge

Hey, Nick, you know how to put this together?

Hey, Nickels.

Hey, remember that song? Huh?

Hey, Schmidt, your butt

Hey, Schmidt!

Hey, Schmidt. Do you wanna pitch on the new Double V campaign?

Hey, sit there while I throw things at you.

Hey, so what does Mr. Miller do?

Hey, stop.

Hey, take this as a compliment, pal, your stories are so real.

Hey, tell her you're sorry.

Hey, that's gross! Get a fork, man.

Hey, uh, Cece.

Hey, uh, Katie, we're running late for dance rehearsal.

Hey, Walt. What are you doing?

Hey, we just moved in across the hall.

Hey, what do you say tomorrow we go to a game?

Hey, what is going on in...?

Hey, why are we all in my room on my bed?

Hey, Winston, are you reading it?

Hey, Winston, I'm glad you're home.

Hey, Winston, we're going on an adventure.

Hey, Winston, you can just have the hummus in there, it's giving me the toots.

Hey, Winston.

Hey, Winston. Uh, I got you this. It's an after dinner mint for after dinner.

Hey, you can't turn the sink on when someone's in the shower.

Hey, you guys.

Hey, young man, why weren't you drafted?

Hey! What's going on, man?

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey. Can I talk to you guys?

Hey. Hey!

Hey. Let's hit her in her throat with a ski.

Hey. Let's pour a little juice near her shoe.

Hey. Nick...

Hey. What? What are you?

Hey. You Nick?

Hi yah!

Hi, Schmidt.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Highlight the car features as Gary describes them.

Him down on the way here.

Hinda... Hindi?

Hire me. I am a people person. I'm great at parties.

Hm? No, it's, uh...

Hmm.

Ho, ho!

Hold it right there! (yells)

Holly, wait for me! I'm very sad!

Holly, you're in the Amber Waves of Grain.

Honey, what happened to you in your life that made you like this?

Honey? Can I come in?

Hope you like stories about vampires and bad childhoods.

Hopefully that'll make us want to have sex with each other.

Hopefully, you do too.

Horse semen, in Dubai, is gold.

How about soaking in a glorious, bubbly pool for one, sipping the nectar of the gods?

How about this one: We get some night vision goggles.

How about we just keep this a Jess and Winston thing?

How could I say no, buddy?

How did you come up with that? Where'd you get that?

How did you get in here?

How did you guys become friends?

How do I become you? Show me the way, man, I'll do anything.

How do I put this delicately?

How do you eat an elephant, Robby?

How do you just get it?

How ironic. That's going right to the gas company. Paid in full.

How many times did I have to repeat the words "lemon drop shot"?

How much I want to have kids, you know?

How much more can you take?

How much of that did you hear?

How much you still love me.

How rude!

How you doing, man, I'm Julius Pepperwood.

How you doing? I'm Julius Pepperwood.

How'd you guys get out of your ties?

Howard Dean Scream.

Hubba ba. Meow! Zing!

I actually like them. I think I'm just gonna keep them on.

I actually want to get girls tonight.

I already got people standing by to take the horse off our hands.

I already know. It's one of these moles.

I also have all the access to pistachios if you want, like, a full...

I always have and always will...

I am a huge baby.

I am a huge supporter. In '08, I was the co chair of Kappas for Romney.

I am a monster.

I am figuring it out. Thank you, Brorie, I am. I'm just figuring it out. And that's okay.

I am genuinely afraid of her.

I am going to devour you.

I am not a shy food blogger...

I am overreacting. You know why? Because I want a family.

I am really claustrophobic.

I am so thankful today that I proved them wrong.

I am so uncomfortable.

I am sorry I was crying so much.

I am the vice president of everything in North America.

I am totally ready to get mixed up in this choco vanilla shake.

I am way beyond that.

I am, because I know how you are.

I barely live with it now.

I believe in you.

I believed you.

I bet I didn't even touch boob. We knew you were stuffing...

I bet that's a hoot.

I bought a tiny cowboy hat for nothing.

I broke your brain, girl.

I came back into my body. Only thing is...

I can afford the valet charge and the "add onions."

I can do any character from an '80s sitcom. Quiz me.

I can drink at 11 a.m.

I can drink at 11 a.m.

I can feel the chemistry. I can hear it.

I can get drunk and point at furniture...

I can make any kind of balloon animal as long as it's a worm or a snake.

I can see how in this second instance

I can take my glasses off.

I can totally change my personality.

I can't believe I have to deal with models just to be with Cece.

I can't believe that after all this time, you still can't be honest with me.

I can't believe they're playing these old matches. Legendary.

I can't believe this is happening. It's such an important day.

I can't believe you got us

I can't believe you still don't believe me. Jessica.

I can't believe you'd say that to me. You should mind your own business.

I can't do this.

I can't get service over here.

I can't get the right angle. Winston refuses.

I can't go around saying good night to everyone...

I can't go upstairs though because of the whole Schmidt thing.

I can't have an emotionally vulnerable person on my crew. Tonight...

I can't keep thinking of you as my magical best friend with no name.

I can't let you fluff me. I can't let you work in emotional porn.

I can't miss this. I got the belt on, I took Winston...

I can't separate things.

I can't take this. Too much anxiety. I'm going to my room.

I can't wait to see your meat bar.

I can't.

I chalk it up to bad timing.

I could go eastern box, or spur thighed or nearsighted loner.

I couldn't drink with you, I work here. Heh.

I crushed it all day today, then I crushed it some more, and then it asked me...

I decided that tonight, my name is Ivy.

I definitely don't like myself.

I did it! I'm the one true Schmidt!

I did it. I did it.

I did it. I'm here for dinner. I made it.

I did what you said, told her I didn't wanna be her fluff er. It went great.

I didn't do it in time.

I didn't even know you. It was just this idea of you. And then...

I didn't know what I was doing to you.

I didn't know what to get you.

I didn't know you were gonna put your arm around me. I'm so sorry.

I didn't know you worked in the ER until I got here.

I didn't look in it, because I don't care and I respect your privacy.

I didn't punch a girl. I punched a horrifying monster.

I didn't steal anything from her.

I didn't wanna have to think about this.

I do it for Kenya.

I do remember you picking a lot of eyelashes off my cheeks.

I don't care what he does. I just don't understand why he has to narrate it!

I don't care, but yay.

I don't care. You're doing this intentionally to mess with me.

I don't eat vegetables and/or take care of myself.

I don't have anger issues. You guys think I do?

I don't have any rules.

I don't keep up with local news.

I don't know how to talk to women.

I don't know how to tell you this. Actually, I do.

I don't know if I can give up

I don't know if Jess has told you this but I am writing a novel.

I don't know if you ever get that feeling like...

I don't know what's allowed in the cold hearted Republic of Nick Miller. But I know how I feel.

I don't know why Cece would celebrate her birthday here. Modeling's made her dumber.

I don't know, it's fine.

I don't know, Nick. A lot of charm coming from this end of the booth.

I don't know.

I don't know. I really can't say.

I don't like music. What's up with me, you know?

I don't need test results to tell me it is The G****s of Wrath in there.

I don't need to break the pipes, Jess.

I don't need to wear a second costume.

I don't need you to be nice to me right now.

I don't really have PMS.

I don't see you until you show up here tonight with a boyfriend.

I don't think I deserve all of Schmidt's love. All I do is tease him.

I don't think I'm ready to bring new life into the world.

I don't think it's fair that women have an excuse once a month to act irrationally angry...

I don't think we're doing any modeling today.

I don't think you need my blessing. Do your thing.

I don't think you're a nice girl. I think you're the worst.

I don't wanna die. I wanna work. Honestly. I wanna work here.

I don't want to mama bird you a cookie.

I don't want to, okay? I'm done.

I don't want you pants! Don't do this. Don't do this.

I even bought myself a sexy pair of underpants

I even got a new shirt.

I even peed in water bottles.

I feel good. Yeah. Schmidty time.

I feel like Cece's making a big mistake with this Indian guy.

I feel like he doesn't even know me.

I feel like I dropped something in there. You hear that? Loose change.

I feel like I wanna murder someone and also I want soft pretzels.

I feel like I'm finally aging into my personality.

I feel like I've laid a million eggs and they're all hatching.

I feel like there's a very obvious solution.

I feel like there's vibage What do I do?

I feel like we brought manufacturing jobs back to America.

I feel really good, guys.

I feel so lucky, you know? I really tucked this one in just under the wire.

I feel you, Jess. I took a sick day.

I fell in love with you the first time I saw you. That's crazy.

I felt like we had a connection too.

I finished my novel. I stayed up for 14 straight hours.

I forgive you.

I forgot to take out my contacts. I think they're fused to my eyeballs.

I gave your number to the guy at the bar. You asked me to.

I get it you're just trying to get out of the date.

I get it, man, you're scared. And that's okay. Be scared.

I get it. The guy who shot John Lennon dressed as a Ninja Turtle.

I get it. Um...

I get it. We're in a rut.

I go and meet the buyer. I sell him our horse for a huge profit.

I got an idea, get a job!

I got it. I got it.

I got laid off last week. I don't know what to do.

I got laid off.

I got my plane ticket home for Easter. Thank you for reminding me.

I got nothing.

I got the belts rigged up in the bedroom. Ready to see who blacks out first?

I got to know. Why him?

I got two perfectly good forks at the end of my arms.

I got you a cookie.

I got your back tonight.

I gotta bail. Kanye is at this club tonight.

I gotta eat my way out of a sandwich house.

I gotta go.

I gotta kill a man with my bare hands after making sweet love to him...

I graduated from MIT and then got into a horrible accident where I lost half my brain.

I guess I have to feel something.

I guess I was always disappointed with her for calling that lady.

I guess Laura is another character that he introduces, but that's it.

I had all these sari related sexual scenarios.

I had him pegged for a part time tennis pro or an unemployed handsome guy.

I had so much sex last night. Ha, ha.

I had to check out the new and improved Schmidt.

I hate doors!

I hate hyperbolic speak. Please.

I have a lot of eggs.

I have a sense of humor. If that was a joke, here is a pencil. Draw me a map to the joke.

I have an anger problem.

I have been able to reach completion with some precise and vigorous nipple play.

I have it on good authority from my model ex girlfriend...

I have no idea how they deep fry a turkey dinner...

I have no idea, Pop pop.

I have not lost my mind. I'm just scared.

I have nothing to add to this.

I have this student whose name is Edgar and he was not getting it.

I have to choose a font, spacing, columns...

I have to clean out my closet and...

I have to have feelings to have good sex.

I haven't done laundry in five months.

I haven't worn these in years. Here you go.

I hear you.

I honestly need you to make me feel better. (cell phone rings)

I hope it's okay, I invited over some of the Kappas.

I hope you like it. I poured that one for you.

I hope you're checking her out, or you're a serial killer, which would explain a lot.

I just don't know why he would run away.

I just don't need a bunch of people...

I just don't think the meth heads would want anything in this room.

I just don't think you should be in a room with this creep twice a week. It is not safe.

I just feel like we have nothing in common, you know?

I just feel sorry for you sometimes.

I just get mixed up, you know? And I think that you're like me...

I just have to move this, right here my back. Aah!

I just laid there.

I just like bubbles so much.

I just made a breakthrough with a student.

I just need a little air... (continues indistinctly)

I just need to remind her how amazing I am.

I just stayed at home and did a watercolor of mountains.

I just think they fired the wrong girl, kid.

I just thought I'd stop by. I'll sleep in your bed, you can go on the couch.

I just thought of it.

I just told myself it was a chance to start over.

I just wanna be a family.

I just wanna say that I had meaningless, wonderful sex last night with Sam...

I just wanna say, the black guy dies early. His name is William.

I just wanna say, you two, uh...

I just wanted to tell you that I don't... I don't care that you lied to me.

I just wanted you to stop cleaning the kitchen so much.

I just wish I had a lot more solo Tugg time.

I just woke up. Here's my breakfast. I'm going to work.

I just, we can't like that because

I just... I have, um, a lot of things I have to do.

I keep that in my summer bin along with my summer condoms.

I knew I was the turtle.

I knew it. I knew you'd choose me to get you pregnant.

I knew this would pay off eventually.

I know a girl broke your heart and you gave up on love.

I know how hard it was for you to talk to him and I just...

I know how much you love cookies. I saw it there and thought, I'm going to buy him that.

I know I said you shouldn't put yourself out there, but I'm glad you did.

I know I was trying to head butt you.

I know I'm the one you wanna be with.

I know it was you.

I know it's unexpected that I'm here. It's because I wanted to tell you something.

I know just the thing you need.

I know just the thing you need. Come with me.

I know she did.

I know sometimes you get mad and you don't know why.

I know that you're...

I know this website, we could put one that's near Robby's 1 through 8.

I know what my pogo is. It's that I dance kind of like a sea snake.

I know what the problem is I want it too bad.

I know what's about to happen. You will all want to cover your ears.

I know you have more costumes in your closet.

I know you think I'm dumb.

I know you're a bartender because you like three feet of bar...

I know you're an intelligent person and sometimes I just...

I know you're lying and I just don't care. Get over to hair and makeup. Now!

I know you've been waiting all week for me to break down, but I'm fine.

I know, I know, I know, well, just talk about what my pogo is. What's my pogo?

I know, I know. I'm sorry.

I know.

I know. But then, ahh...

I know. Yeah, totally, like, I get that.

I know. You're a man.

I left him in there with crayons and paper...

I lied too. Half my profile's a lie.

I like a challenge.

I like how it's not a team or a logo, it's just blue.

I like Robby, but that is doing nothing right now from stopping me...

I like this feeling, you guys. I'm liking the vibe

I like what I do. My life is moving in the right direction.

I liked him.

I live here too. What are your names...? Schmidt!

I look so scared.

I looked it up on the internet, it's called sympathy PMS.

I lost an egg while you were comparing yourself to the most famous writer of all time.

I love baths. I do. Back in Latvia, we had a great tub.

I love being Katie!

I love being unemployed. I love it.

I love Cece, and these are Cece's friends, so I should be able to get along with them.

I love cooking.

I love sad guys and you seem sadder than most.

I love teaching.

I love the coat.

I love this coat.

I made a very bad mistake!

I made you take the test. What can I do?

I may have been in love with Cece.

I mean, damn.

I mean, he just knows how to work the crowd.

I mean, heh, look at this. What is this? Why do you need so many pens, you big shot?

I mean, his thighs are like the size of my head.

I mean, I could take care of you,

I mean, I don't know how you're walking around with this many eggs.

I mean, I have never wondered if you could shimmy up a palm tree.

I mean, I love Sadie. I want my babies to have her beautiful face.

I mean, I made plans with...

I mean, I'm bad.

I mean, I've been running the numbers on this, I think I spent 1200 to 1300 dollars.

I mean, Jess, he jumped out on a ledge instead of kissing you.

I mean, look at his thighs. They're like fleshy tree trunks. Whoa.

I mean, not on a knife. L... You know, I cut myself on the pumpkin.

I mean, nothing? Damn it!

I mean, one billion Indian men is a daunting foe.

I mean, or what I thought he would look like in person.

I mean, the answer is everybody.

I mean, there's gotta be something.

I mean, they're not that bad. Look at these things.

I mean, what is his brand?

I mean, you belched longer, he farted louder.

I mean, you did touch a hotter pan, but he ate a much bigger candle.

I mean... Of course you do. That's all you can do.

I meant something like that.

I met me in my bar.

I met someone at work.

I might be considered a cooler...

I might be your cooler.

I might have cooled things off for you.

I might miss him.

I miss Shelby.

I need real life adventure like Ernest Hemingway had at my age.

I need to change, and you showed me that.

I need to know my pogo. You guys need to tell me.

I need you.

I never told her how I felt.

I never understand you women. God!

I only dread the day that we defeat all the Indians...

I panicked and I grabbed the hat.

I panicked. Help me.

I picked you because I'd heard you were amazing.

I pour liquids into cups every single day.

I probably won't wanna blow my head off.

I promise,

I put a word search in the novel.

I really don't. I will never stop wanting to kiss you.

I really loved your story.

I really want to.

I remember you saying you missed hanging out with Schmidt.

I respect your parents. I do. I respect everything they...

I ruin things.

I ruined the whole day and it could have been really nice but it wasn't...

I saw what you did to the toilet seat, and I'm not unstable. I just need a job.

I see what we're doing here. We're stalking your ex girlfriend.

I see you, and we're doing this right now.

I set an alarm for 5 a.m. So I could switch Schmidt's fiber pills with placebos.

I should also warn you guys that my mom's a little perky.

I should be able to deal with the fact...

I should go talk to her.

I should've grabbed the yo yo or the slap bracelet.

I so excited. I shake this thing that my mama gave me.

I speak English. That didn't sound like English.

I spend 49.95 a month on a subscription to an inaccurate real time actuarial service.

I spent two months in summer school...

I sprayed all over. Clean up time.

I stab and stab.

I still feel it jiggle.

I suddenly feel empathy for ****stan. It's like they say:

I think I just became a dirt bag.

I think I should just stay Katie.

I think I speak for all of us when I say that we are thrilled...

I think I'm ready to have you set me up. This is not a prank. Call me back.

I think it's really inspiring that they've chosen to go back to school...

I think it's time for another drink.

I think there's something out... (phone beeps)

I think we should go.

I think you guys deserve the couples costumes. Bride and groom.

I think your pants look fine.

I think your plan sounds okay.

I thought about her. I thought about the boss's boobs once.

I thought I had all of this time.

I thought I was the only crazy one, but you're nuts as well.

I thought my package was delivered here.

I thought this was like music...

I thought we weren't talking. Why are words coming out of that stupid hole in your face?

I thought you were gonna go to a game with Nick today.

I thought you were sick.

I thought...

I thought... I... I thought everyone knew.

I told Cece that I loved her.

I told him. It popped out. You understand what that's like, right?

I told you what I wanted. I wasn't lying.

I took my shirt off! Wait! It's part of the game, you guys!

I totally lost track of time.

I try on four different pairs of shoes with every outfit, rain or shine. You know that.

I understand, it's just that, um...

I use apricot too much in my normal life.

I used that Frisbee as a dish. Heh heh heh.

I used to think it was just a heavy like, but...

I walked around the grocery store, man, for 45 minutes.

I wanna care about something as much as you do about ruining his life.

I wanna cover everything on my body with bubbles.

I wanna give my nipples a purpose.

I wanna lay you down

I wanna take this test now. Can we take this test now?

I wanna talk to you about your bathtub pitch.

I wanna talk, I wanna fight, do something.

I wanna work tonight at the job I'm passionate about.

I wanted to give you some notes. Is there a time you can come for office hours?

I wanted to talk about your creative imagery assignments.

I was bored and cold.

I was gonna start on your confidence

I was hoping I would be dead before this happened.

I was kidding myself.

I was like, Nick is great. Why didn't I realize it years ago?

I was nowhere close to finishing.

I was pretty cool to say come in

I was ready to get your friend's money back for her, okay?

I was sabotaged by my baby box. Which means...

I was thinking about you. I think about you a lot, bro.

I was thinking I was gonna get you ramen, like we used to eat.

I was trying to avoid the tolls.

I was trying to help you.

I was wondering if, like...

I was working in real estate, but I got laid off so...

I was, uh...

I wear makeup in Portland to keep the rain off my face.

I will never stop trying. I don't care if I have to do a billion burpees.

I will push if I wanna push! Come on!

I will return your ladder when I feel like it. Thank you, bye.

I will throw you off of this horse with my bare hands. I will.

I wish he'd been a little more unpredictable, is all I'm saying.

I wish you didn't do that.

I won't tell her if you don't.

I wonder if it's your shoes. Have you tried different shoes?

I work for a single national corporation called Associated Strategies.

I would love that little baby. With all my heart.

I would never lie to you. I haven't lied to you

I would never run away.

I would've taken you to the bathroom.

I wouldn't dance for another

I wouldn't dance for another

I wouldn't exactly call it an issue, an issue's something you can fix.

I, too, was a sexual partner of Cece.

I, uh, can sleep with whoever I want.

I, uh...

I... I like you.

I'd be Brad Pitt. You'd be the crafty Asian fellow who does the, uh, flippies.

I'd be smoking hot?

I'd eat it out of a bowl, your hair. I'd put it in a bowl and I'd eat your hair.

I'd like for those feelings to explode on you.

I'd like to introduce you

I'd like to thank my urologist for coming.

I'd pretend to be a diabetic kid...

I'd say no.

I'd take it off. That looks crazy.

I'll admit, I've thought about it.

I'll be okay.

I'll convert to Indianism.

I'll crumple vitamins and put them in your food.

I'll do it, but I'm not making those drinks.

I'll give you mean, Jess

I'll have you guys know that Kanye wore this belt.

I'll just say it like... Apricots. Apricots.

I'll just tell him how I feel, everything will be okay...

I'll kiss Winston. I'll kiss Winston all day.

I'll make my own mind up on that.

I'll make you a drink.

I'll man up.

I'll meet you inside, I'm gonna get the bag.

I'll see you, okay? I'm gonna call the office.

I'll sleep with you if you give me a part in a Paramount picture.

I'll spend my holiday at a coffee shop, sitting around with people...

I'll take your feet.

I'll wait five hours and come back when Joan's shift is up.

I'm 30, I'm single, and I just started a new job.

I'm a changed man. Look at me. I'm wearing a suit.

I'm a clown, for you.

I'm a coward. I'm scared of haunted houses and I'm scared of you. I always have been.

I'm a human being and I'm entitled to my emotions!

I'm a little bit confused. I think I'm into your mother.

I'm a man with feelings. Feelings that are bubbling up inside of me...

I'm a shot girl.

I'm a writer, Jess. We create life.

I'm actually a model too. Mostly in Japan.

I'm actually asking. I'm not doing a thing.

I'm afraid of dying, man.

I'm alone in the loft.

I'm an amazing teacher.

I'm an idiot.

I'm asking more so out of curiosity than fear. Hashtag "excitement."

I'm available any time, so...

I'm back on the grid, Nick.

I'm becoming Ernest Hemingway, you idiots.

I'm bored!

I'm building you the dresser. I love this stuff. It's like high stakes Legos.

I'm calling Sam, and we're gonna go on a date.

I'm calling your agency. This is totally unprofessional.

I'm Chaz. This is Fife, Sutton and Brorie.

I'm chubby... I'm a fat guy.

I'm coming. I'm...

I'm Daisy.

I'm fine! I am fine!

I'm fine. I mean, truth be told, I was happy to see him.

I'm fine. I'm just, I got...

I'm glad you're you, because Jess Day could...

I'm going in.

I'm going out with Cece and her model friends...

I'm going out with Cece and her model friends...

I'm going to Edgar's for proof.

I'm gonna be a great shot girl, Nick.

I'm gonna be at the party, Phillip Seymour Hoffman's gonna be like:

I'm gonna be dressed up. You should dress up too.

I'm gonna be teaching creative writing to adults.

I'm gonna be the best shot girl in the world. Cheers.

I'm gonna die so soon.

I'm gonna download the footage and ID this SOB.

I'm gonna go do stuff with a girl.

I'm gonna go to my room and process what just happened.

I'm gonna have sex tonight.

I'm gonna hit your ass with a ski!

I'm gonna make a toast.

I'm gonna miss it.

I'm gonna take one of these pens, I'm gonna go home, and I'm gonna write my zombie novel.

I'm gonna tell him how I feel tonight.

I'm gonna tell you what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna tell you why it's not depressing.

I'm gonna text you later.

I'm good on bean!

I'm having a hard time with my novel.

I'm here to learn how to write short fiction.

I'm in love, man.

I'm in, Schmidty! I am in!

I'm just gonna let you down.

I'm just like, if you say, "You've got a year," that's fine.

I'm just... I just have to do this.

I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I know it's not a battery. I can feel...

I'm kind of fine, you know.

I'm like Snow Leopard. You guys are like DOS.

I'm like Snow Leopard. You guys are like DOS.

I'm like... I'm okay with whatever you tell me.

I'm married, I'm not dead. Night.

I'm moving money around, I'm diversifying... And I'm not your fluff er, by the way.

I'm Nick.

I'm not actually quite sure how to stop this. Um...

I'm not afraid of it but... He's kind of an ass. Damn it.

I'm not angry fixing, I'm fixing!

I'm not crying. Just drop it. I just felt like I did something nice.

I'm not disgusting, it's not unheard of.

I'm not doing it till you tell me why you had time to shave your chest, but not your face.

I'm not God.

I'm not going. I don't do haunted houses.

I'm not interested in simmering in testicle tea for 20 minutes.

I'm not into dads. I'm not a dad guy. I don't like them, don't trust them.

I'm not really someone who goes off the grid, Nick.

I'm not scared. This is how I feel.

I'm not sure I'm gonna be able to get away with it.

I'm not wearing underwear, I'm just wearing a big sock right now.

I'm not your cooler.

I'm okay. Don't worry about me.

I'm old fashioned below the belt.

I'm only gonna say this one more time.

I'm out there every night balling to the max and you expect me to do what...

I'm over it completely.

I'm over myself I just don't do it for me anymore.

I'm over thinking it. The hat's fine.

I'm pretty sure I know how to crush it with the kids.

I'm probably fine, but I also might be dead.

I'm proud to be a Romney.

I'm ready to have kids with you if that's what you want.

I'm ready. All right. Oh, yeah.

I'm really glad you're here.

I'm really good at telling myself and I think that... I feel very feverish, I don't...

I'm really sorry about what I said last night because this is hard.

I'm really sorry about what I said last night because this is hard.

I'm refusing to pay my gas bill as a matter of principle.

I'm reigning cats and dogs.

I'm Sam, from Cupid Match.

I'm saying you're the nurse I wanna wake up to after having my stomach pumped.

I'm seeing a lot of split ends.

I'm shot girl.

I'm shutting off the gas until you can get me the money.

I'm single.

I'm slowly regretting this.

I'm so happy you're alive. Okay, stay inside and lock the door. I am coming.

I'm sorry

I'm sorry I got this. I don't know what's wrong.

I'm sorry, all right? It's my fault.

I'm sorry, but in my defense, Nadia spent an hour explaining to me...

I'm sorry, but you can't come with us tonight.

I'm sorry, um...

I'm sorry, what did you say? Pogo?

I'm sorry. I'm Schmidt.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. Is this why we came here?

I'm sorry. Oh, my God. Oh.

I'm sorry. Sorry, man.

I'm sorry. You love that small shiny man?

I'm sorry... we were talking, Schmidt.

I'm staging an event to re launch the Schmidt brand.

I'm still in the "Please, God, I hope I'm not pregnant" phase.

I'm sure I did something stupid, but what?

I'm sure it's like the real Olympics, only the white people win sprints.

I'm taken.

I'm talking about real time travel here, Schmidty.

I'm terrible at casual sex.

I'm the President, you're the Vice President.

I'm the same guy that did you in that falafel restaurant.

I'm the strong kind of fat. Ha ha ha!

I'm the worst know it all in the world? Please.

I'm there whenever you need a guy.

I'm trying to be incognito, so just:

I'm Tugg Romney, Tagg is everywhere. Too much Tagg for me

I'm very happy to help.

I'm you from the future.

I'm your boyfriend without the rewards.

I'm your emotional fluff er.

I've a lot of money that I wanna deposit in your Tyra Banks.

I've actually always wanted to try one. How'd you know?

I've always been worried

I've always had relationships in different boxes.

I've been drinking with you and I feel like you're luring me in. Dump his ass!

I've been eyeing him for a while. That one's gonna turn green one day, then:

I've been looking for the right time to tell you, but Melissa and I are so excited because...

I've been mad at you for 30 years, Dad.

I've been racking my brain all day.

I've been studying Romney trivia all day.

I've been to 48 Creed shows, so...

I've been trying to get something going

I've decided to host my re launch event at Nick's bar.

I've got a Civil War era piece of equipment, and that's all she wrote.

I've got this rule: Never cross the bar.

I've got this totally under control.

I've had it. If any of you cross me, I'm gonna kick the testicles clean off your body.

I've never been an inspiration before. I don't like it, it's too much responsibility.

I've never had two guys into me before.

I've never seen you work this hard at anything ever.

I've tried everything.

If he touches your sister, I'm gonna stop paying your cell phone bill.

If his life depended on this, he would die.

If I could give you that cookie back, I would.

If I find out how you died, want me to tell you?

If I got in trouble, he would get me out of it by doing the Sugar Ray.

If I lost my job a week ago I'd be deep in a porn hole by now.

If I wanna build you a dresser, I'm gonna build you a damn dresser.

If it makes you feel better...

If there's anything majoring in marketing with a minor in theater studies taught me...

If we're hiding from people why does it matter what I call you?

If you don't mind me asking, why are you late today, Edgar?

If you guys have been playing hard to get, you don't have to.

If you guys wanna find out who's truly the manliest, you should have a contest.

If you say, "You are barren," um, I'm... I'm okay with that too.

If you say, "You can have kids till you're 80," fine.

If you want to label me.

If you want... if you want, per chance, like...

If you won't do anything about it, then I'm taking it into my own hands.

If you'll excuse me.

If you're gonna wear that thing, make it work for us, okay?

Imagine all that pee on your pretty dresses, Jess!

Imagine coming to the end of the book and then just finding a lot more book.

In any autobiographical account of my life, you wanna be referred to as "Moeses Purdue."

In general. You don't take care of yourself.

In March, I will have been living with Schmidt for 10 years.

In my case, grown ass man.

In other news, I just spent three days trying to impress people who don't own bed frames.

In other news, I just spent three days trying to impress people who don't own bed frames.

In our home? Over my turtle disease ridden dead body.

In pornography, it's the person who keeps the actor...

In the course of human events, you must...

In three seconds I'll be silent. One, two, three.

Inspect those tonsils.

Interesting.

Investigating? Please. You're gonna Google his name.

Ironic? That's just a bad pun.

Is danger. That's right. But it's on a level that you couldn't possibly understand.

Is it that I barge into people's showers?

Is it the way I say pan? Pan. Pan. Pan.

Is it Tran?

Is that he stole the jacket.

Is that Top Gun? Oh, look at that. Look at Anthony Eds. The Goose Man.

Is that Top Gun? Oh, look at that. Look at Anthony Eds. The Goose Man.

Is that what you think? You think I gave up?

Is that you in tailored, grown up clothing?

Is there a hot way of saying "I don't feel sexy after I've had a lot of cheese"?

Is there another guy in Twilight that there's a bit of a love triangle with?

Is there, like, a printout of the rules I can see, or...?

Is this a bad time, or...?

Is this because we used to bingity bangity?

Is this real for you?

Is this your first time?

Is... Is there a woman in that bathroom being harmed?

It better mean "whatever you say, Jess."

It gives me confidence.

It gives me confidence.

It happens all the time.

It is 1930s dust bowl in there, Schmidt.

It is a combination of adrenaline and great circulation.

It is crazy, how much they hate you.

It is just pointing at stuff, but it's... It's hard. Why is it so hard?

It is perfectly fine to watch TV all day.

It is you.

It just feels like death...

It just wasn't what I thought.

It might feel good It might sound a little something

It puts you in a really good position?

It really does. And then what happens?

It says here you're 43.

It seems like every time they wanna move a team to Los Angeles...

It was a brownie. I wasn't allowed to eat chocolate.

It was a false alarm.

It was a woman's coat.

It was an accident.

It was supposed to fly out when you opened the lid.

It was the greatest day of my entire life. There was so much love there.

It wasn't me.

It wasn't. It was me having sex. I left my body, went up to heaven...

It will be my final request,

It'd take two and a half hours to drive to school.

It's a candid shot from the governor's biography.

It's a different world over there. A world where it's okay to only have a part time job.

It's a great party. Thank you for inviting us.

It's a possibility from all the information I've read on the internet.

It's a weird life, but it's where I'm at right now. Okay.

It's all smooth in the groove. Mellow, man.

It's also flat.

It's because I care so much.

It's because you could not tell me how you felt.

It's been two years.

It's crazy. Nick and Amelia, together.

It's fiction. There's no such thing as a gimp costume.

It's for charity. You like charity, Robby, right?

It's frustrating. It's, like, just get a job. I like your hat.

It's funny. It is.

It's furniture. It implies that, one day, you will share it with her.

It's going to be okay. This is the moment...

It's going to happen this Saturday night and it is going to be epic.

It's gonna be you. You're the one that's gonna die.

It's got life, animals, man, beast.

It's happening.

It's important that that's been said.

It's Jess

It's Jess

It's Jess

It's Jess

It's Jess

It's just a job. I'll get a new one.

It's just a whole new world, teaching adults.

It's just not.

It's just saying sorry.

It's just that being a teacher was all I ever, ever wanted to do.

It's just through the weekend. You all get tickets.

It's just when I hear all that stuff about Cece's profession...

It's just you you're the cooler.

It's kind of, it's kind of creeping me out

It's like a childhood dream come true for me.

It's like a Make A Wish Foundation type thing?

It's like a taffy pull on a hot summer's day.

It's like I finally found my lady bear.

It's like memory foam.

It's like reverse CPR. It's like you're...

It's like the world's sexiest push broom.

It's meant to celebrate your ******* heritage.

It's more depressing than sad.

It's my caterpillar eyebrows.

It's my mole, isn't it? Well, consider it gone.

It's my one thing.

It's my only outlet.

It's not a dry treat, it's a soup.

It's not danger. It'll be announced on the night.

It's not even a real spice, man.

It's not even a saying.

It's not just stripping, it's sexy.

It's not like a blanky, dude.

It's not really doing it for me.

It's not technically stealing.

It's not that difficult to get out.

It's not that, it's just that sometimes I get the feeling that you don't wanna write.

It's not you, Jess.

It's not you.

It's nothing. Nick just punched me in the face.

It's official. We gotta turtle proof this loft.

It's okay, it's stripping.

It's okay.

It's possible I'm still in shock.

It's pretty risky.

It's right on the line of hate.

It's Sam. He's done with work and he wants to "hang out."

It's someone else's woman's coat.

It's something really close to my heart.

It's the baby hormones. They are not as gay as me.

It's the belt, man. Take off the belt.

It's the way that you behave.

It's too small. You've got to go bigger than that.

It's us. This doesn't work.

It's very, like, you don't...

It's what makes burritos delicious.

It's who I am.

It's working. Look at all these beautiful ladies.

It's your birthday and you won't eat cake. Cece, you're better than that.

It's... I do like Creed though.

Jess and I want a tub. We want candles and bubbles.

Jess and that girl!

Jess, are you okay?

Jess, are you okay? I got your message!

Jess, come on now, this is not funny.

Jess, come on, I can't do anything and look at me.

Jess, do these pants seem long to you?

Jess, do you wanna hula hoop with me all night slash forever?

Jess, I get it that your parents are divorced, but can't they have one meal together?

Jess, I was... Jess, I was kidding.

Jess, I will not let you be in a room alone with this guy.

Jess, I'll take care of it.

Jess, I'm not done with that. That's $18 granola.

Jess, if you're gonna mess with my sink, put some goggles on.

Jess, it's fine. I have another one. You need like three.

Jess, no. No, I'm her friend...

Jess, this is not... Oh, my goodness, is it hot.

Jess, this loft has old pipes

Jess, we can't keep covering for you.

Jess, we fake a robbery. We fake a robbery for the insurance.

Jess, what am I gonna do?

Jess, what are you doing? That is ridiculous. There's plenty of room.

Jess, what the hell was that?

Jess, why would you do this to us?

Jess, you can't come.

Jess, you don't get it.

Jess, you have a family.

Jess, you've gotta help me help them forget how old I am.

JESS: Drive safely. SADIE: Stay in the light.

JESS: February clean out.

JESS: Five years together. That is awesome. Hear, hear.

JESS: Guys! Shh!

JESS: Ha, ha. Yes. SCHMIDT: Wow, Katie's an animal.

JESS: Hello?

JESS: Here's how this is going to go. Hi.

JESS: Hey.

JESS: Hi, big boy, what's your poison?

JESS: I got mixed up. I thought I was a cigarette girl.

JESS: I just finished that last night. Isn't it great?

JESS: I still forgive you.

JESS: I've never wished I was dead more.

JESS: Keep talking. This is good for you guys.

JESS: Nick. I love that.

JESS: No, I don't have time, Schmidt. Jess, please. This is awful.

JESS: Now that I'm working again... Don't do this.

JESS: Oh, God.

JESS: Okay, fine. Just get it... Just get it in there.

JESS: Seriously? I use it for pistachios in my room.

JESS: She sounds weird! Just let us out!

JESS: So...

JESS: They think I made those up.

JESS: This is a very sad case. I mean... WALT: Yes

JESS: To Schmidt, sleeping his way to the top.

JESS: Top of my class.

JESS: Ugh!

JESS: Ugh. Shut up. Are you measuring yourself like a little boy?

JESS: We got it. We got it, Walt. Will you do me a favor, please?

JESS: What's wrong with you? You wigging?

JESS: Where are you going, Schmidt? SCHMIDT: All right.

JESS: Whoa. I wish I had brought my stethoscope.

JESS: Yah! Ha ha ha!

JESS: You can check out CDs. This is a fortune.

JESS: You're welcome! Son of a..

Jess?

Jess? Jess, where are you?

Jess.

Jess.

Jess.

Jess. Oh, my God, are you okay? How long have you been sitting here?

Jess. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to say.

Jessica Day calls it a must read.

Jessica Day?

Jessica Day?

Jessica Day. Where are you?

Jessica, do you have anything to contribute?

Joan, I have told you this.

Joan, I just wanna say that I'm really happy that, you know...

Joan, I've gotta say, you are great at doing what you're doing.

JOAN: Bob, just stay. What if we need something ruined?

JOAN: Jess?

JOAN: Jessica, what are you doing? I want him to see what he's missing.

JOAN: Just go. BOB: Excuse me.

JOAN: Love you, sweetheart.

JOAN: Manly. BOB: Beautiful.

JOAN: You gotta jump in. Whoo! SCHMIDT: All right.

Joanie, what if it was like that?

Joe Biden!

Joe? Tommy? Louis? Tran?

Jump out the way, Jessica?

Jumping around to your hippity hop?

Just a recording. I'm good. I'm good.

Just all together disengaged.

Just because my dad is in town, I'm not gonna put you in harm's way.

Just can't connect with them, I don't know why.

Just do it, Nick.

Just don't make a big deal of it.

Just don't stop teaching.

Just give Jess a tender, sensual kiss,

Just keep an eye on him for me, will you?

Just keep the pumpkins away from me, okay? I kind of cut myself last Halloween.

Just keep your head down.

Just kidding, I get drunk, like, all the time. I got a drinking thing.

Just kiss me!

Just like... I can't believe I'm saying this.

Just load it up with descriptive imagery.

Just not a two. Two. Do you hear me? Two. Not four.

Just relax and breathe. I'll take your shoulders.

Just shake your hips And put that ass to work

Just shake your hips And put your ass to work

Just sit down and write. You ain't Hemingway.

Just stop wasting my time. I'm tired and I need to sleep.

Just take off your clothes. They want to see that you're not wearing a wire.

Just tell her you're sorry.

Just tell me the truth. Did you drive my van?

Just thank your lucky stars you don't have calcified mongrel toes.

Just update your résumé, you ninny.

Just violated the Hawley Smoot Tariff Act1

Just wanted to give you a heads up...

Just, physically, how'd she get so small?

Just... What are you gonna wear?

Kappas for Romney.

Katherine cheated?

Katie has a job, y'all.

Katie knows how the sausage gets made.

Keep this crap out of my yard!

Keeping it tight, girl.

Kicked out of the discotheque, Nick.

Killing me with that drop, dude.

Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!

Knowing that your friends sit around every single night talking about your pogo.

L.A., as the locals call it.

Ladies and gentlemen, drum roll please.

Ladies and gentlemen, you are looking at a brand new man.

Ladies. Stop fighting. Hey, hey.

Last night was horrible. Sam came over, we tried to make out...

Last year. Just once.

Lesbian baby. Congratulations, you guys.

Let me get this straight, nothing is gonna set you off?

Let me handle this.

Let me just get this clear. Take the little bit of dust...

Let me just, uh, clean up a little bit.

Let me say that one more time. Kanye.

Let's be guys. Just for today.

Let's care about stupid things and talk about sharks...

Let's concentrate on the broheem, smite later.

Let's get rid of that.

Let's get you into bed, okay?

Let's go back to the park where it was goo...

Let's go, guys. These hats suck.

Let's have dinner.

Let's just cut the crap, okay?

Let's just do it.

Let's just drink a bunch and destroy the sink.

Let's just say my cousin doesn't have the most sophisticated palate.

Let's just say, hypothetically, we live in a world where time travel exists.

Let's just suck it up and French a little.

Let's not do this.

Let's not take off our clothes.

Let's open up... Okay. Um, I kind of...

Let's play for it. I win, you have a drink with me...

Let's suck it up and French a little.

Let's take a walk.

Liar!

Liar! Holly, Holly, look at these these are my abs.

Life as a doctor. Your phone must just be blowing up with life saving texts, huh?

Like "fill my gas tank all the way up" rich.

Like a crazy old man.

Like a ******* Peter Pan. Petya Pan. Peiter Pan.

Like a little bitch bwanky.

Like getting drunk and peeing in your closet, on all your pretty dresses.

Like he's the Lord of Winterfell, or he's working with a real piece of pipe.

Like where your head's at. We'll be there with bells on.

Like, "Rrawr! I'm gonna attack you in the wild."

Like, maybe I could marry this woman.

Like, whoa.

Lincoln, bringing the nation back together again.

Listen, Blue Eyes, do me a favor, will you?

Listen, I think there's two options here.

Literally anywhere they wanna go. UCLA, UMass, any of the U schools.

Loft dynamic is ruined.

Loft vote. No.

Look at me being so naughty.

Look at my butt. Look at my butt. Stupid jerks.

Look at that plating. It's like Picasso.

Look at that, look at that, look at that.

Look at that. Some donkey raises? One, two...

Look at that. What, did a magician die in that thing?

Look at this. I'm freaking shrinking!

Look at this. Took my suits. Left the... Left the douche bag jar.

Look at you, man. This is great. King of your own castle.

Look at your face, dawg. Look at your face.

Look how good I look, how stylish.

Look how handsome I look.

Look sharp, you dumb ass.

Look what they've created. Look at that. Look at your beauty, with your hair.

Look, a man can only sit back and observe but for so long...

Look, Cece. This is more of just a loft thing.

Look, I know Sadie freaked you out, but I wanna remind you...

Look, I'm a depraved freak and I want to wander into your Narnia of sexual terror...

Look, I'm gonna tell you something about myself.

Look, I'm sorry, it's just, I'm not supposed to be awake because of my...

Look, look. He's got no wire. He's not a policeman.

Look, Nick, my dad left when I was 3.

Look, there's a lot I don't tell you.

Look, these 18 inches of oak are the only thing that separates me from guys like Sid over there.

Look, Winston, fine, it's what we call what you did this morning, okay?

Looking this damn good (rhythmic grunting)

Love you.

Low on bean! Low on bean! I repeat, I'm low on bean!

Luckily, I've got something up my sleeve.

Make her an Old Fashioned.

Make me a guy so I don't have to worry about this.

Makes sense with you two. Must have worked up an appetite.

MAN [OVER PHONE]: Put me on. I got something to say about Andrew Bynum's hair.

MAN [OVER SPEAKER]: Scream...

MAN [OVER SPEAKER]: Watch your step. Ha, ha, ha!

MAN [OVER SPEAKER]: Welcome to...

MAN [OVER TV]: The Galápagos tortoise or Galápagos giant tortoise...

MAN 1: These guys are weird.

Man, I gotta run with the bulls.

Man, that is a woman's coat.

MAN: "My fluffy pillow.

MAN: Yeah, you still have me on the line. My two cents?

Manhood today is about exfoliation and cheese courses...

Maureen, did you have one very special long time love?

May I have your blessing because I'm gonna be dribbling...

Maybe a cold shower will wake you up to some harsh financial realities, Jessica Day.

Maybe I can borrow the money from my good friend...

Maybe I did make some mistakes along the line, okay?

Maybe I should just stop trying with Sam.

Maybe I'll see you around, I'm in the phone booth.

Maybe I'm just not meant for a functional relationship.

Maybe I'm just worried...

Maybe in the lady's bedroom?

Maybe not.

Maybe we should take one car.

Maybe you should watch a cautionary tale that I like to call The Nutty Professor.

Mega mellow.

MELISSA: Ha, ha! Whoa!

MELISSA: We're having a baby!

Memorizing Dad's gestures so I can mimic them.

Mike Sr. Sucks a whole bunch. More than his neighbor, Rollo.

Mike Sr. Sucks. It's a major theme throughout this.

Minus one year if you frequently question your career choice. Check.

Minus one year if your chosen field offers few opportunities for advancement. Check.

Mm hm. Croce makes my mom frisky. Check it out.

Mm hmm.

Mm mm!

Mm mm.

Mm, bacon.

Mm, mm.

MODELS: Dance, monkey. Dance, monkey.

MODELS: Monkey, monkey, monkey!

Mom and Nick seem to be really getting along great.

Mom, Dad, help. There's a man in the room.

Monkey cracker! Monkey cracker!

Monkey, monkey Where you keep your crackers?

Monkey, monkey You are comrade best!

Monkey, monkey, where you keep the crackers?

Monkey, no!

More emotionally fragile than Nick right now.

More important stuff to do here.

More tired. Sick, like. Really let your bones prop you up.

Most are hard, but one is really soft.

Most importantly...

Most... M M...

Mother, may I?

Mr. Miller, welcome to our home.

Much like a running back would want...

Mummy's right. Take the big swing. It's okay to be vulnerable.

My badminton partner, financial planner, Philip Seymour Hoffman.

My beloved hairy dog.

My boobs are loving this unemployed thing.

My calculations were correct.

My coat makes me say things like that.

My dad used to get them every time he had to make a left turn.

My eyes.

My faith and true love...

My giant eyes!

My inability to satisfy Emma has thoroughly rocked me.

My mom always said I was a late bloomer. Wait till she sees this mustache. Bam!

My moves were singing to you and trying to give you backrubs.

My niece goes to veterinary school. We're proud.

My roommates are killing me.

My tongue in your mouth, if you don't like it.

My yellowy, fluffy pillow.

Neither of you has the right bra for this.

Never cross the bar.

Never leave me alone again.

Never stop reading this.

Never.

Nevertheless, we are gathered here today to celebrate the reemployment of Jessica F. Day.

Next time that happens to you, just come to me and I'll help you keep your pants on.

Next to my dog. My hairy dog.

Nice coat you got there.

Nice kid, but she can't draw for crap. She just traced Bugs Bunny.

Nice squeeze bottle work, Bobby Flay.

Nice to meet you. Big fan. Where's Cece?

Nice to meet you. Nick's told me a lot about you.

Nicholas, you have a phone call.

Nicholas. Winstoniel.

NICK [IN NORMAL VOICE]: Get the hell of out here.

NICK [IN NORMAL VOICE]: I don't know, the costume works for me.

NICK [WHISPERS]: Hi. [WHISPERS] Hi. Sam's in there.

NICK [WHISPERS]: How did you know?

NICK [WHISPERS]: Jess.

NICK [WHISPERS]: No, no, no

Nick hates living things, so, like, it just doesn't really seem in line with what I know about him.

Nick only sweats if there's lying involved. And there's not lying involved, is there?

Nick picked them up from the dry cleaner for me today and I swear they seem longer.

Nick was just saying that your décolletage looks bewitching in that dress.

Nick, actually, you should read this.

Nick, I'm gonna admit it.

Nick, please do not angry fix the sink.

Nick, seriously, use your words. Don't use...

Nick, this is the worst thing I have ever read in my entire life.

Nick, what are you doing?

Nick, what are you doing? This is not life experience, this is procrastination at the zoo.

Nick, what's my one rule?

Nick, you don't have to kiss me!

Nick, you're gonna love my dad so much. He's so unhappy.

Nick, you've gone way too far. Way too far.

Nick, you've liked her for a long time.

Nick, your brand is Gypsy Alcoholic Handyman.

NICK: Ah ha...

NICK: Amazing, my man. Whoa!

NICK: And where have you been all night?

NICK: Andy, I'll go get your check, bud.

NICK: Back at the tracks with my dad.

NICK: Cece, open the door! JESS: Cece, don't worry! I'm just trapped

NICK: Cheers. Heh heh. JESS: Getting my costume.

NICK: Dad. Thanks.

NICK: Don't say anything!

NICK: I didn't hear the pitter patter of disgusting feet.

NICK: I made it so clear!

NICK: I respect the amount you drink.

NICK: I was right. Oh, my God

NICK: I will let...

NICK: I'm with you. You shouldn't be saying anything.

NICK: Just open the door. Yeah.

NICK: Leg warmers. You guys are dancers too?

NICK: Let me out! Sometimes, I hear her name when the wind blows.

NICK: Loft vote on turning wrestling back on. Yeah.

NICK: No, you guys, she's really sad and we've gotta...

NICK: No. SCHMIDT: Damn it!

NICK: Oh, hey, your mom looks great.

NICK: Oh, my God. Yeah.

NICK: Oh, wow!

NICK: Oh. What?

NICK: Okay.

NICK: Open the door! (whooshing) Cece.

NICK: Please!

NICK: Relaxing is important! Relaxing is important!

NICK: Shot girl? No, you can't be a shot girl. Why not?

NICK: So you're not a nurse? ANGIE: Who said I was a nurse?

NICK: Stop. What are we gonna do with him?

NICK: Thanks for having us.

NICK: That is what happened

NICK: That was a pocket dial!

NICK: There's nobody there.

NICK: Uh oh!

NICK: You can barely hold one thing in each hand.

NICK: You can't share a bowl of cereal. WINSTON: Why not?

Nick!

Nick! Nick, wait, please.

Nick.

Nick.

Nick.

Nick.

Nick.

Nick. It's time.

Nick. It's time.

Nick. Nick.

Nick. Nick. Tell...

Nick. Pepperwood. Nick

Nick's name is Nick! Nick, meet Nick.

Nick's never been pogoed directly. You did get his pizza once.

Nickels are worse than no money, it's an insult.

Nicky only had one dream when he was a kid: To own a family horse.

Ninety percent of our eggs, huh? Heh.

Nipple play, off limits.

Nitpicking turns me off.

No bottoms, no bottoms.

No disrespect. I got your next round.

No hat. No hat.

No idea what you're talking about.

No matter what color your seats, ha, they'll be green.

No more excuses. I'm gonna go home and I'm gonna write that novel.

No more friendly fire.

No more handouts. What are you gonna do about it?

No one ever calls me anything like that.

No one ever calls me anything like that.

No part of this conversation is making me want to boil over.

No picnics, no mini muffins, and never Adele.

No, because I'm on a date.

No, checking her out? No, dude, I'm in a relationship. Like, happily. Shelby and...

No, I can't do this to Robby.

No, I couldn't ask for another

No, I got it, we got it, hold on, I got it.

No, I have to go, Jess. I have to go, it's my job, all right?

No, I think you're the nicest.

No, I'm not letting it go.

No, I'm sorry. I didn't...

No, it's a girl.

No, it's just us. They bailed. If you wanna go back...

No, it's... Look, nobody does an on screen death like Anthony Eds.

No, Jess!

No, look at that vert, that's breathtaking.

No, my name is not Jameel, it is Nick! You know that.

No, no, don't! No, please!

No, no, no, I just have a deaf grocer.

No, no, no, I'm sure that you guys have stuff you laugh at me about.

No, no, no, Nick! Old Nick, don't go!

No, no, no.

No, no, no. I am. Okay? I know that I am.

No, no, no. It was my mistake. It's my mistake.

No, no, Schmidt. No. Schmidt, no sleeves. Please.

No, not like this!

No, of course not.

No, thanks. I'll take my vitamins on the rocks. Double V.

No, they've been invented.

No, you know, I've never left California in my life.

No!

No!

No!

No! Hey!

No! No, I can't... No, um, I can't let you go

No! No! No!

No.

No.

No.

No.

No.

No. Get off of him.

No. I'm a bad friend. I got mad at Cece for being a model.

No. No way.

No. No, I'm here with the Ninja Turtle.

No. No.

No. You're brave. You've always been braver than me.

No. You're mean.

Nobody buys people cookies for no reason!

Nobody gets rowdy like us Romney boys.

Nobody thinks I'm a nice girl. I'm the mistake.

Non negotiable.

None of this is true.

Nope.

Not a parent trap. It's a makeover.

Not like some Ukrainian dentist.

Not now. I have to go to the bathroom

Not only am I the youngest person in this loft, I'm also the most successful.

Not really doing it for me.

Not wearing a trench coat.

Not weird, just a guy who really wants a drink.

Not with you, no! Bleh!

Nothing that I love more than getting out on the water with Dad...

Nothing would make me happier...

Nothing wrong, just brushing my hair.

Nothing.

Nothing. Don't draw my face.

Nothing. I just, I didn't mean it like that.

Now dance.

Now give me that.

Now I know why people get annoyed with me. It's hard to talk to us.

Now I only wanna make a drink that a coal miner would want.

Now I'm doing this.

Now I'm doing this. Sure. And now I'm not sure what I'm doing.

Now if you'll excuse me, I've been up for 48 hours, so...

Now it's contracting its claws.

Now you feel even hotter.

Now you go.

Now you have to talk to each other!

Now you know your pogo, you truly know it all.

Now you're gonna get the Bearclaw...

Now, are you two gonna join me?

Now, here are some diagrams so we can see where you're at.

Now, if you don't mind. Good night.

Now, if you'll excuse me...

Now, which one of you guys wants to tell me...

Obama.

Observe.

Of an uber successful marketing executive's journey...

Of course not.

Of course, you got it.

Oh, come on, Cece, it's your birthday.

Oh, damn it, Jess. That's the second time today.

Oh, damn it, Schmidt, we want bubbles, man.

Oh, dear God.

Oh, fat makes me so sad.

Oh, God, that was a mistake. Duck down. That was a mistake.

Oh, gosh.

Oh, gosh.

Oh, hey, I gotta take this.

Oh, I get it. Reigning cats and dogs.

Oh, I got a great idea. We can name a star after her.

Oh, I gotta sneeze.

Oh, I love boobs. I love them.

Oh, I miss Krista.

Oh, I'm so glad they're here.

Oh, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

Oh, I'm straight up bananas, Winston.

Oh, is Cece here?

Oh, it is a mustache. You look adorable.

Oh, it was nice to meet you, Jess.

Oh, it's a waste. Jess, you don't have the skill...

Oh, look, a lamp.

Oh, my best friend has texted me, like, 12 times.

Oh, my God, he's with Jess.

Oh, my God, it's the old man from the stairs.

Oh, my God, the door is stuck.

Oh, my God, you guys, are we the dish un washers?

Oh, my God, you smell like waffles. I love it, did you just make some waffles?

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! We were all stuffing!

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. I forgot.

Oh, my God. Jess, please stop working at the haunted house.

Oh, my God. Phone's ringing. Gotta take this.

Oh, no, I don't... I just wanna hang out.

Oh, no, Jess! No, no!

Oh, no, oh, no, I think I fell oh, no.

Oh, no, okay, okay, stop it. He's there, okay. I thought it was gonna be dragonslippers.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no. Oh, God, oh, God.

Oh, not...

Oh, okay. Let's see here. And then...

Oh, okay. Um...

Oh, really? Then how you gonna pay for the drinks?

Oh, Robby. He's such a nice guy. I'll show you nice guy. Punch him in his face.

Oh, Robby. Midwestern heart, Midwestern body.

Oh, Schmidt, stop staring at my frittatas. Ha, ha, ha.

Oh, Sid. You gotta... You're killing me. Sit down and drink your beer.

Oh, so that was you. I thought it was a couple bums fighting.

Oh, that's good stuff. That is good.

Oh, that's my butt.

Oh, that's what you think?

Oh, the thermosé? Heh, heh.

Oh, this is bad.

Oh, this? I just wear it so guys don't hit on me in bars.

Oh, uh, hey, babe,

Oh, we got a great new pogo.

Oh, yeah, good news.

Oh, yeah, I can't, because you're wearing a turn of the century bathing costume.

Oh, yeah, there's gonna be hot water in six to ten minutes, fools!

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Who's up? Okay, you jerk, come here. Stupid jerk.

Oh, yeah. Who's up? Okay, you jerk, come here. Stupid jerk.

Oh, you mean my boyfriend? His name is Robby.

Oh, you put up your pup tent in front of the fire

Oh, you're so hot.

Oh, your mom. That's cool. Have with your Devs and your Anujs...

Oh!

Oh! Ha, ha!

Oh! Late, late, late.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh. Buzz kill.

Oh. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Oh. Like your barnacle toenails?

Oh. Probably with sex.

Oh. Very nice.

Oh. Very nice.

Okay, "My prey is a deer.

Okay, admittedly, this is a little bit crazy.

Okay, all knowing Indian god Ganesha, this is about sex.

Okay, all right, great.

Okay, all right, great.

Okay, but check out where we are.

Okay, but your drawings, they don't have any eyes.

Okay, but...

Okay, cool.

Okay, did you...?

Okay, everyone. This bird needs to go back in the oven.

Okay, fine, but don't say

Okay, fine. Let's do this.

Okay, fine. You know what, Jess, fine, you can be my other shot girl.

Okay, gas, electric, and cable...

Okay, I believe you.

Okay, I can't no, I can't do this.

Okay, I don't open up the more you get to know me.

Okay, I think I got it.

Okay, I understand how, in this instance,

Okay, I won't get that. You're okay with pads, or tampons, or whatever you're using?

Okay, I'll do something different with my face.

Okay, I'll just keep you on the line and then I'll say the safe word, okay?

Okay, I'll read this damn thing.

Okay, I'll take a little bit of that hit.

Okay, I'll try to make it, darling.

Okay, I'm calling it off. Nick?

Okay, I'm proud to have had a dad that was around when I was growing up.

Okay, I'm sorry, I overslept. I'm running late for a meeting.

Okay, I'm waiting.

Okay, interesting technique.

Okay, it's not a race. It's not...

Okay, it's not how it is and never call me son

Okay, it's not taking a hit

Okay, Jess, hey, this is not a big deal.

Okay, Jess, tonight you're obviously gonna want to follow my lead.

Okay, Julius, just take a seat and, um...

Okay, let's just do this already.

Okay, let's re focus.

Okay, let's take a deep breath and ask ourselves...

Okay, listen up, guys. My mom's gonna be here at 9:00 and she's staying till 2:00.

Okay, listen up. I got 3.5 years to live. I can't be an assistant anymore.

Okay, look, I think you're amazing.

Okay, mm...

Okay, not a big deal. Let's just do it.

Okay, okay, okay. All right, all right, all right.

Okay, Schmidt. Female pleasure.

Okay, see, I'm not like that. I don't even understand that concept.

Okay, so if that is the case...

Okay, so what exactly are the rules?

Okay, stop. Seriously. It's just too much.

Okay, technically they were misprints.

Okay, thank you, goodbye.

Okay, then he went and had three kids with his new wife...

Okay, there are people in life who you want to be unpredictable.

Okay, there comes a time in every person's life...

Okay, this makes sense.

Okay, we kissed. Let us out. Sent you a picture.

Okay, what did you do to me last night? Can you sprain someone's chest?

Okay, you jack faced butthole.

Okay, you may have bested me in a competition of pre Clinton manhood...

Okay, you're... let me out of here!

Okay! Here is my share.

Okay?

Okay? And that way you can feel like you're going on a date first.

Okay? Then you'll see.

Okay? You're *******. She hates ****. I mean, she really hates them.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay. "Or not wear...

Okay. But Katie can juggle men.

Okay. I just want to reiterate that I'm not on board with the smiting.

Okay. Is everything all right?

Okay. Keep those underwear on, am I right? Heh heh heh.

Okay. Not three, not one, not four two.

Okay. Well, then it's off. Game over.

Okay. What is this place?

Okay... Yeah, can you... (clears throat)

On the night shift.

On top of that, two years of tap and jazz.

Once we've neutralized the subcontinental threat, I smite you.

Once you get in, it's not what you thought it was gonna be, and it's scary.

One if you count his hat.

One love, yo Yeah, that's right

One, Marie Antoinette, two, Cleopatra...

One, two, three, four, JFK!

One, two, three, four.

One, two, three.

One, two... I'm actually not gonna do a count.

Only thing you have to do is distract my dad.

Ooh, Sam, he's so hot. I don't care. Good night.

Ooh, Schmidty type.

Ooh, you made me so mad, my moustache is coming off.

Ooh.

Ooh. He wants to cook for me.

Ooh. Heh.

Open the door, man!

Open the door! Open the door!

Or a certified carpenter. That would work.

Or can we just knock this off and let's be friends, okay?

Or centaur boots.

Or do you have your dad hiding in the closet, waiting to make out with me?

Or we could just say that you wanted a tub too.

Or you go way too big.

Or, I don't know, your father.

Order! Order!

Otherwise my mom is gonna set me up with 100 sweet, gentle, painfully boring Indian guys.

Our bodies really made something.

Out of curiosity, why do you think that?

Ovaries. It estimates, basically, how many child bearing years you have left.

Ow! Mother of...! Damn it!

Pant suited corporate she hulks? I know.

Parent Trap is just a movie.

Parent trap.

Parkour.

Pay up, gentlemen. She's sitting on the couch.

People don't change. If someone's broken, they just stay broken.

Pepperwood had two friends.

Per chance, really?

Perfect.

Period's got you down? That is such a raw deal.

Pesach Pan.

Pick your interns.

Plan B was always Matthew McConaughey in Magic Mike, so...

Please come get me.

Please don't do that, sir. Please, I'd love to sit by myself right now.

Please get out of here, so I can save a little bit of my dignity.

Please help me be cool.

Please note the added provision.

Please, Dad?

Please, I feel you over thinking this.

Please, no. Seriously, don't. I can't lose this job. Don't call the agency, okay?

Please? You and I have never spent my birthday apart, ever.

Please. You work in a bar. It's a whole different thing.

Plus, Sam's not the kind of guy you spend Saturdays in your sweatpants with.

Pogo king.

Pogo king.

Puppy...

Pure unadulterated friendship.

Put these on.

Put you in a guillotine chokehold. Then Robby's like:

Question: Under what circumstances...

Quick reflexes. Good.

Raised by wolf like parents in the wilds of Minnesota.

Randa.

Read it out loud, Winston.

Ready?

Ready?

Really nice place.

Really? Go hit on her.

Reason being, I feel like

Relax.

Remain in your seat and finish the exam, Mr. Schmidt

Remember when you told me to base my characters on people from my own life?

REMY: Oh, I see.

Right now.

Right there, in the flesh.

Right, that's a thing, right? Moo?

Robby, there's a fine line between that and something awesome.

ROBBY: Cool.

ROBBY: I'm glad you called me. I love the zoo.

Robby?

Robby's nice. Good guy, man. He always has gum.

Robot can't find clothes.

Roommates, hey.

Rough night, you guys.

Sadie basically just told me that if I want to have a kid, I have to start right now.

Sadie, once at a senior graduation party, I sat in a very hot Jacuzzi for 12 hours.

Sadie, um, hey, I just... I just want you to know that I am, um...

SADIE: Stay in the light tonight, please, huh?

Sam doesn't care what I look like, because I'm not his girlfriend.

Sam has the late shift and Cece's on a date with some Indian guy,

Sam, I'm sorry I stole you from Katie but... Ugh!

Sam, it's Jess.

Sam, uh, wait. Um...

SAM: Is he okay? I'm hearing some popping.

SAM: Katie? JESS: Hey, Sam.

SAM: Oh, man.

Saving the best for last.

Say hello to my good friend Jessica.

Say hello to my sister wives, Mrs. Schmidt and Mrs. Schmidt.

Say it again, I'll let the snakes out.

Scales? Why, you weirdo? You wanna see me jump really high?

SCHMIDT & JESS [CHANTING]: Read it out loud. Read it out loud.

SCHMIDT & ROBBY: Cool guy power! Cool guy power!

Schmidt cares so much, and you don't think about him.

Schmidt got me a cookie.

Schmidt got me a cookie.

Schmidt, he's your dad.

Schmidt, I only go out with guys who play basketball.

Schmidt, I think I'm getting my period.

Schmidt, I'm a professional basketball player.

Schmidt, in my professional opinion, you have definitely earned the rank of...

Schmidt, my mother, she's gonna hate you.

Schmidt, please, nothing up your sleeve. It never works.

Schmidt, stop looking at me like I'm a fat kid riding a bike.

Schmidt, this isn't a good time.

Schmidt, we get it, he's the dad you never had.

Schmidt, we have so much going against us.

Schmidt, what are you doing?

Schmidt, you need a tiger, I need a job.

Schmidt, you're blasting the TV, you maniac.

Schmidt, you're such a nice guy. You deserve a girl who respects you.

Schmidt, your life would not have been better if you were a Romney.

SCHMIDT: All right, man, let's do it! All right! ROBBY: White guy power.

SCHMIDT: All right, you ready? Mm hm.

SCHMIDT: Cheers to me.

SCHMIDT: Come on, move over. Hey, y'all.

SCHMIDT: Cool. I'll just put these in...

SCHMIDT: Hey, look at me.

SCHMIDT: How do the boots feel? They feel fantastic.

SCHMIDT: I found water! Oh.

SCHMIDT: I got it all day, man. I don't even think about it.

SCHMIDT: I'm gonna set a PR tonight. Well, he's not...

SCHMIDT: Insane. NICK: Jess, can I have a word with you?

SCHMIDT: It's one word. NICK: "Bathtub" is two words.

SCHMIDT: Nice. Yeah.

SCHMIDT: No mama birding here.

SCHMIDT: Oh, come on. Again?

SCHMIDT: Oh, my God, your mother.

SCHMIDT: Oh, my God.

SCHMIDT: Oh! Wait, no, no, no, everybody, look...

SCHMIDT: Okay, how was that?

SCHMIDT: Ooh. Ay yay yay.

SCHMIDT: Party, hip hop, what's going on, kids? Let's party.

SCHMIDT: Please stop yelling at me!

SCHMIDT: Robot arm engaged. It's just engaged now?

SCHMIDT: Sure. NICK: You've kind of gotten under my skin.

SCHMIDT: Sure. NICK: You've kind of gotten under my skin.

SCHMIDT: Thank you.

SCHMIDT: The Curiosity rover has touched down...

SCHMIDT: They're gonna hear! Stop it!

SCHMIDT: This is making me furious. JESS: It's multi cloth collage.

SCHMIDT: Took my doctor's appointment suit.

SCHMIDT: Ugh.

SCHMIDT: Well, I signed it.

SCHMIDT: What? ROBBY: I don't have a chance.

SCHMIDT: Where do you buy sheets like this?

SCHMIDT: Yeah!

Schmidt?

Schmidt?

Schmidt.

Schmidt.

Schmidt. Just the guy I was looking for. So the theme of the party...

Schmidt. Schmidt, don't get hung up on that guy!

Schmidt. So it turns out there's more than one type of turtle.

Schmidt. You know, whatever...

Schmidt's gonna freak out.

Schmidt's in there with his boss.

School's already started. I have a lot of decisions to make about my resume.

Screw it, I don't even care anymore. White guy power!

Sea glass? I'm over thinking it.

Security, remove the threat, code red.

See, we did have some good times, didn't we?

Seems to me like this thing is a draw.

Seriously, can you please stop yelling?

Seriously, I think it might be gang related.

Seriously, let it go.

Seriously, you could be picking up calls on a banana.

Seriously?

Settled down with this great woman named Krista. She's coming.

Sexy girl All around the world

Sexy girl All around the world

Sexy girl All around the world

Sexy girl All around the world

Shake those hips And put that ass to work

She doesn't have my dark side. Got that from my dad.

She drink too much. She puke, puke, puke.

She hasn't spoken to you all summer, since you broke up with her.

She is off limits. Go call your girlfriend.

She is sexually

She likes to drink in the afternoon, I like to drink in the afternoon.

She puke, cry, puke, cry. She so weak.

She realizes there's only two of us.

She saw the opportunity for a business investment and she took advantage of it.

She wants a relationship less than I do.

She wants to marry a brown man.

She was so beautiful, with all that swearing.

She's here for a couple days on work. This is my chance.

She's not good enough for you. None of these people are.

She's out the door before you even know your wallet's gone, son.

She's pretty sure it's the Calabasas Scratcher.

She's right over there.

She's smart and she's interesting...

She's surly like I'm surly, and she rolls her eyes at everybody...

Shelby, this is not working.

SHELBY: Hey.

Shh.

Shoot me.

Shoot, Gran Torino.

Shoot, Gran Torino.

Should we make out to make him jealous or something?

Shut up, everybody!

Shut up, Schmidt.

Shut up, you, because I don't wanna hear it!

Silver?!

SINGING: Monkey, monkey Where you keep your crackers?

Sky, Rudy just wants her $200 back.

Sleeping Nick is a totally different guy.

Smile, Mom. You still got it.

Smoother rides. More fuel efficiency.

Snare drum. I shouldn't have to specify. Jess, that was a cymbal.

So both of us can move on.

So cute.

So does that guy.

So he's saying everything up to this point has been foreplay?

So hello, robot sex.

So I essentially used my face as a butter knife.

So I got you a regular cookie and made the star myself by breaking off the pieces.

So I just want you to go about your day and act normal.

So I say yes.

So I thought we could all go out tonight. You, me, Nadia, the girls...

So I'll have to say I love you In a song

So I'm good at this, right?

So I've, uh, handled this one man job. Any two man jobs you want us to tackle?

So it's not available at the closest Ikea...

So many hats.

So many years of footage. This is from last May.

So much weird crap happens in this apartment.

So much.

So naughty.

So no one has signed up for office hours

So stop feeling sorry for yourself, kid, and get up on that bar...

So tell her you're sorry.

So terrible. I just... I can't even...

So we're pranking him so he thinks while we're not around, "What?"

So weird. Never happens to me.

So when he said, "It's just gonna be a bunch of young people"...

So when we do this, do two.

So where's Blobby...? Where's Blobby? Where's that dude?

So world's best wing woman reporting for duty.

So yeah, my job pretty much rules.

So you're saying that this horse, right now, the way it is, will never race again?

So your hair just does, like, this one thing, right?

So, heh heh, we're both dog people, right?

So, what are we gonna do about Schmidt's suits?

So, what's your deal? I mean, do you vacation in Europe ever?

So, what's your name?

So? A lot of normal people live with their mothers. Like my Uncle Randy.

Soak it all in, in all its foul glory.

Some basic grooming, Nick, and you'd be smoking hot.

Some of my friends don't appreciate it.

Some people, I just don't under... They just... Ugh!

Some psycho keeps scratching at her door and then running away.

Somebody help me!

Somehow you have made this seem like my fault.

Someone basically just powerless.

Someone need stitches? Let me get my needle and my bifocals.

Something that says, "I work in a hole." I'm especially not making those drinks for you.

Something wonderful happened to me today, and I am no longer angry.

Sometimes after a big fight I like to cool off with TV.

Sometimes he gets out... Is that my coat?

Sometimes I think that I'm just a riddle that, well, even I can't solve.

Sorry about this. Jess has lost her mind.

Sorry to wake you.

Sorry you're not growing anymore like me. Apparently I'll be growing forever.

Sorry, how did she fit in the cup? I just don't understand...

Sorry, I have no idea what that whole thing... I don't...

Sorry, man, she's checking her fantasy football because she's... I'm not gonna do this.

Sorry, that was in my head a little bit, that didn't... Look sharp, you dumb ass.

Sorry.

Sorry. Your mom does your laundry?

Sounds like a great plan. We'll come with you and I'll watch you give Jess her money back.

Sounds like sexual harassment.

Sounds like us

Speaking of low hanging fruit, you didn't want to let out the pants?

Speaking of...

Spectacular.

Stand up.

Statistically speaking, every American thinks about Abe Lincoln at least once a day.

Stay on. Underwear good.

Stop blinking. Why are you doing that?

Stop this now.

Stop. Do not... Come on, Nick, don't build that dresser. Please.

Straightforward. Honest.

Sure they can. If they're both gagged and blindfolded.

Sure.

Surprise.

Surprising.

SUTTON: She's so iconoclastic and modern.

Swoosh.

Ta da! That's me, that's you, and that's our dog.

Tagg Romney, you know if your dad's gonna win?

Take a break.

Take a look at the specs and come into my office tomorrow in your best suit...

Take it down a notch before this old man takes you out, makes you pick a switch.

Take my pants.

Take off your clothes, take off your clothes!

Take off your pants, take off your pants!

Take the coat off, all right? It freaks girls out.

Take the coat off!

Take the hat. That's the most important part.

Take the pants. You say I do nothing for you. Let me give you my pants.

Take your top off.

Taking your drug pills and smoking your hash stick?

Talk about how my toenails are... Are rugged?

Talk, talk, talk. I wanna listen.

Tampon...

Tanya, I'm a really good teacher. I care about my kids.

Tell her about what?

Tell me about your day, please. I wanna get into your universe, so let's rap it out. Go.

Tell me he's gonna sit on you when he gets here.

Tell me my pogo.

Tell me what to do because you got me into this mess.

Tell me where to stand and what we're selling. I'll give it everything I got.

Tell them to the professor. Let me see.

Ten more guys and a plan, we'd form an Ocean's 12.

TGIF marathon on tonight.

Thank God this thing comes off this afternoon.

Thank God.

Thank goodness. Almost thought I was gonna have to loan you money.

Thank you for your attention.

Thank you for your honesty.

Thank you very much for coming. There's party favors at the door.

Thank you, Denise.

Thank you, Nick. I now feel ready to have meaningless sex.

Thank you, thank you, thank you, 2:35 to 5:35 a.m.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you. Can I get a hug?

Thank you. Thank you so much. I really needed to hear that, Sadie.

Thanks, man.

Thanks, Nick.

That a broken heart is fine

That asymmetry? That's crucial.

That breaks the first rule of bartending: Never cross the bar.

That came out wrong.

That decrepit thing that just walked by, now, that's old.

That is a camel clutch.

That is a symbol of who I was for the past two months.

That is a woman's coat.

That is for real.

That is how you crush, you never give up. That is the difference between me and you.

That is not just some disgusting, salty bundle of gauze.

That is not pretty.

That is Pavun.

That is so surprising.

That is what I don't have in my life.

That is, of course, unless we're fishing on Lake Winnipesaukee.

That Ma and Pa never go to bed angry.

That makes two of us.

That mustache, first of all. What?

That one, right there in your hand.

That pisses me off.

That there are 16 grandchildren:

That was a long time ago, Cece. When I was young and naive.

That was an ill timed pocket dial, I will not explain myself!

That was freakin' hilarious!

That we got going here. There's definitely gonna

That would be really nice if it wasn't coming from somebody...

That you call them clickety clacks.

That you...

That, that...

That'll work too.

That's a great hat. Can I have it?

That's a horrible investment. She's into that Gandhi crapola.

That's a Schmidty type right there.

That's a third of my life.

That's a whole different lens to see that blue dress.

That's a whole different lens to see that blue dress.

That's awesome you like that.

That's awesome. Keep going.

That's better than going to a stupid club.

That's crazy. I'm panicking. Are you panicking?

That's crazy. I'm panicking. Are you panicking?

That's how much I love you. I feel your pain.

That's how my parents met. They had a beautiful, healthy marriage.

That's how you tell if people hate you.

That's just your personal opinion.

That's kind of sad.

That's love.

That's me. Yeah, yeah. Schmidty time...

That's Nick's Sexy Mix, a.k.a. The original fluff er.

That's not a con, Jess. You're just driving away.

That's not how you deliver news.

That's not sexy. Feels like I'm getting a speeding ticket.

That's not true. I'm not gonna...

That's not what it...

That's not.... Do you know, like...?

That's Pavun. Look at this guy. He's gorgeous.

That's right, Nick. Goo.

That's right.

That's right. Nothing's gonna get to me because it's a new Nick Miller.

That's right. That is what I've been trying to remember.

That's terrible.

That's what does it for you?

That's what I always say. Follow the money.

That's what I do on a daily basis, Jess.

That's where she wants it That's where she needs it

That's why I liked hanging out with those kids...

The "Asserole Shanty."

The after party. Yes.

The all new Fusion has been totally redesigned inside and out.

The bad news is is that cutbacks are forcing me...

The bedrooms are that way...

The belt, Schmidt. Please explain the belt.

The best way to talk to models is just point to objects and describe them.

The broken penis guy.

The caption says "The whole family."

The cast is off, gentlemen.

The chocolate mints disappeared on their own.

The club's up... Dance, dummy.

The contract of sex with someone at work who was so far beneath me, you know?

The Cri... Jess, I'm done! JESS: Nick,

The enemy is in me, the enemy is the inner me.

The Ford Fusion is designed to be environmentally conscious.

The Fusion is available with an EcoBoost engine...

The game is True American

The gang's all here.

The guy who'd been in a coma who woke up thinking he had invented pie.

The high voltage lithium ion battery pack...

The hybrid gets 47 miles to the gallon, so you'll be filling your tank less. When you do...

The job hunt is on.

The L.A. Sparks. So many sparks in one place, you're about to start the world's sexiest fire.

The last time, it was awful.

The left heel is an eighth of an inch shorter on every single pair.

The less risk I incur, the more I can focus on creating a viable sexual experience for us.

The loft just became Big Momma's House.

The makeup and your dress?

The mane is totally the wrong cut for the shape of this face.

The marriage of Schmidt and Robby.

The men in suits here, the professionals...

The most dangerous element of all of the elements.

The movie you made me watch a million times.

The one shaped like the Liberty Bell?

The only reason I'm out tonight is to make sure he doesn't do anything stupid.

The only thing easier than this is passing out cigarettes to prisoners.

The only thing he left was my summer suit with the lightning on the back.

The only thing I know is this belt is amazing.

The other was his gal Friday, Jessica Night."

The pogos are out.

The reason I have writer's block is I've been living too casual with you clowns.

The same thing that happened when I took my driver's test.

The scratching's back.

The SE Hybrid is available with eco friendly cloth seating.

The sexual tension is crazy

The Spice is coming back. The guy with the horse?

The table is round.

The things I would've seen by now...

The turkey.

The two of you together on that horse, you look like a bride and groom.

The two, three or four.

The vagina. I'm familiar.

The vampire falls in love with a regular person. It's the same thing.

The weird this is, I was there when she got discovered.

The what? The willies?

The woman who made you sign a contract so she could have sex with you?

The world I once lived in, shattered.

The worst is actually knowing.

The zombie and the...

The zoo is the best we can do. But it's got everything.

The, uh, Hollow Leg Swap Em Out?

The, uh, Ring A Doo Johnnycakes?

Then get back down offstage and get everybody into the sharing circle...

Then I dumped her because I was, like, "Whatever."

Then I got drunk and she called her mom...

Then I'll tie a bow on it, because it's birthday time...

Then I'm just licking 'em to make 'em better.

Then there are people who you don't want to be unpredictable, like your dentist.

Then we dump them in the lake. Because we're Americans.

Then what I like to do is, I like to arrive at the bridge and meet the troll...

Then what we'll do is, we're dancing. We're just gonna dance.

Then you make me salad, bitch.

Then you'll be happy to meet my little Scottish friend.

There can only be one. You know the rules. Oh! I'll give you that there.

There I go being a smartass again, I mean, that could be my pogo.

There is it. If anything's gonna go down, we need a safe word.

There it goes.

There it is.

There was a button that said "on."

There you go, Schmidt's dead.

There you go. Good as new. Ah.

There's a great love story that could be made into a movie.

There's a test that tells you how many beans you got in your bean sack.

There's a theme. A secret that'll be announced on the night.

There's also the available Auto Start Stop...

There's just one tiny hitch.

There's more where that came from.

There's more where that came from. I got a lot of boots.

There's no time for sleep.

There's one over there. I saw two on the back wall.

There's one there. Didn't see that one

There's so much more I need to ask you.

There's something at the door and you have to come home.

There's something real creepy about you, pal. You wanna get weird? Let's get weird.

There's something sexy about a man who just needs me

Thermos? Thermos? I'm sorry, I don't understand. What's a thermos?

These clean suits."

These fit great, Jess. Really, thank you so much.

These guys have done a pretty good job keeping that sealed.

These things are heavy. It's like chainmail on my eyes.

They actually got them dry cleaned, deluxe package, very pricey.

They call me "Giggle Bangs Rice Ball."

They did the right thing because they're drug addicts. They're not monsters.

They didn't have a ******* Star at the store.

They don't hate me because I'm old, it's because of my personality.

They don't have to go to boob jail every day. Ha, ha, ha.

They got divorced too young. I think this could make them happy.

They hate me.

They hate me. And I know why they hate me, it's because I'm old...

They just got so excited.

They kept saying, "Argh, I'm so hungry for more meth." You know?

They let in a lot of people ahead of me. Like, a lot.

They literally eat your body.

They make shoes for your penis. They're called pants.

They need us. Here's the plan.

They never did get that Frisbee back.

They only nailed the crowd control logistics of Bombay's open air market

They said it couldn't be done.

They said, "You're crazy, Jess."

They shed like a... Like a $4 Christmas sweater.

They were out of turtles.

They were the kind of legs you could sink your teeth into.

They're gorgeous now. Went down a full shoe size.

They're like sisters but they do it and they like to have sex.

They're not that great. Last night, Chaz and Sutton got in a fight.

They're polyamorous? Damn it!

They're still real nice, but I have no connection to them emotionally whatsoever.

They're talking about vaginae. I hate it. Take me with you.

They're turning. They've watched their brothers and sisters die...

Thin crust pizza? No, thank you, I'm from Chicago.

Things get freaky, I'm out. I'm a little diabetic, I don't need the hassle.

Things sound like a dang old crab.

Think about me. I gotta go out in the world and meet people. Date.

Think you can do that?

THIRSTY: What are you doing?

This actuarial table stops at age 99...

This break room is in North America, isn't it? That means I'm the vice president of it.

This coat has clean lines...

This coat is an unfair advantage take it off.

This cup is so tiny.

This doesn't change how I feel. I feel nothing. This is purely physical.

This doesn't change how I feel. I feel nothing. This is purely physical.

This escalator goes too fast."

This feels good. I'm gonna go.

This fertility website says I need to get rid of toxins.

This footstool really reminds me of my ex.

This hospital website says I can earn up to $700.

This is a makeshift parent trap. They don't work.

This is a makeshift parent trap. They don't work.

This is a moment that got away from me, my man.

This is a pleasant surprise. What brings you to Los Angeles?

This is a private investigation.

This is a thermos, so:

This is a very impressive party. There's speakers everywhere.

This is all about your breakup?

This is cool. We got a good vibe going.

This is definitely real fire. I'm very apologetic. I think everyone should leave.

This is experience. This is what's firing me up to get back to writing.

This is fun. This is entertaining.

This is gonna sound really weird...

This is good for me. I jump into relationships.

This is good.

This is intimate.

This is just the willies.

This is kind of what it's all about.

This is making it worse.

This is my first middle of the night, parking lot horse deal.

This is my nightmare!

This is not a story for everyone.

This is not a story for everyone.

This is not fair, it's gonna take all of my game to sleep with Winston's sister.

This is not how guys of my generation hang out.

This is not some fancy hotel.

This is not the outfit we talked about. You way overshot it.

This is pretty much your basic, uh, brokenhearted spying thing.

This is really weird, man. Really weird.

This is ridiculous.

This is so fun.

This is so much fun.

This is so normal, this isn't upsetting at all.

This is some watered down nonsense. You're some no good shysters!

This is the beginning. I can take this to the next level whenever.

This is the city where many scenes from the film Beverly Hills Chihuahua were shot.

This is the easiest job in the whole world.

This is the first time you don't have to be anywhere or do anything.

This is the worst thing I've ever seen.

This is what happens. Four models with protein deficiencies sharing a shower.

This is what I needed. This is... Ah ha ha!

This is what I'm thinking. I use my superior powers of manipulation...

This is when I was experimenting with faux hawks.

This is... This is really bad.

This isn't my fault. I didn't invite you here.

This makes me feel nothing. I feel nothing.

This means too much to Nick. You can't say you'll do things and not do them.

This needed to happen.

This never happened.

This prescription is blurry.

This rock is so round. I'm gonna go put it in ajar.

This says "Chica Go Bills."

This thing doesn't turn so well.

This week I gave them an assignment. Write whatever you want

This whole time we've been in this loft that's a fact.

This Wilmer Valderrama.

This, and the hat, and the blazer's enough.

This?

Those are just facts you got from the Internet.

Those are the rules.

Those costumes are for Purim. Purim's in March.

Those guys are so much fun!

Those kids with the found furniture and no TV because it's cool?

Those stuffed animals are gonna look good on the floor of my bedroom.

Thought you hated your coworkers, you said...

Three words: Hot air balloon.

Three year bumper to bumper warranty.

To all of y'all That's been missing us for mad years

To bail you out of jail.

To be a Ninja Turtle.

To be clear, I haven't asked any of you to impregnate me.

To get out of dating me that I've ever experienced, so...

To Indiani... Indiani... Indi... Buddhism? Budd...? In...?

To jump again, you call me.

To make him feel better.

To our roommate Jess.

To spice things up didn't happen.

To the penny, yeah!

Today I got a locker and in 18 months I'm gonna roll into some sweet dental coverage.

Tonight I used a bread roll to wipe butter off my face and then I ate the bread roll.

Tonight, drink with mouth.

Tonight, I start having sex again.

Tonight.

Too many characters. It's hard to follow.

Totally.

Traffic. It really killed me.

True, it was delivered to the wrong address.

Trust me, I know. Shelby and I agreed we're gonna dress sexy this Halloween.

Try to catch the Pop Tart, you big boy.

Trying to make this more fun.

Tugg Romney, yeah.

Tugg.

Turn around. Turn around.

Turn it down, man, turn it down. It's too loud.

Two G's, silent B.

Two of us have to go behind the Iron Curtain,

Ugh! What is the big deal?

Ugh. Jess. Would you please scratch an itch I have on my undercarriage?

Uh, excuse me, are you Katie?

Uh, heh.

Uh, Nick, your dad's here.

Uh, Schmidt. I got you something.

Uh, this is where you work? Are you the ticket taker?

Uh, what about Wednesday afternoon?

Uh, what is going on?

Uh, yeah, I think we're done. Thank you, Remy.

Uh! Washer, washer, washer.

Uh..

Uh...

Um, anybody wanna help me?

Um, I can't hang out with you anymore.

Um, I told him I had to start getting serious about having kids...

Um, I want a casual sex affair, just like in the movies.

Um, it's been an honor working here.

Um, just, why am I the only one talking? Just lay it on me. What's inside my body?

Um, let's talk about the, um, four classifications of conflict.

Um, listen, I know you were very young, and I'll completely forgive you.

Um, Nadia, that's not...

Um, okay, so phase two.

Um, what I was gonna say was, um...

Um, when Nick... When Nick told me you wanted my number...

Um...

Um...

Um...

Unbeliev... But I played out your most secret fantasy.

Unbelievable that he dies in a few scenes.

Under budget?

Unfortunately, I don't have a lot of sausage.

Unh!

Unless your friend's a chump.

Unrelated note, I've just decided to take a walk.

Until I found, uh, this one right here.

Until she started spending all this time with this woman from work...

Until you thought I was a murderer and you broke into my shed.

Up, up, up. I'm up! Oh, wow!

Very effective. Very scary.

Very engaging. Keep going.

Very funny, Schmidty, but my concentration will not be broken.

Very impressive, pro ball. I mean, women's pro, but still.

Very smart.

Visor wearing Jess, will you please help me be cool?

Wait you can't kiss with your teeth!

Wait a minute, this isn't a sex thing, is it?

Wait until it's next to a lady horse, trust me.

Wait, are you serious? Nick, it's not that hard.

Wait, is this just?

Wait, Jess, please, I'm begging you.

Wait, Robby...

Wait. Hey, don't say all that weird stuff and then just leave.

Wait. You think she's perky?

Walt's gone.

Wanna come upstairs and watch some SVU?

Was that just a really weird thing

Washer/dryer kind of freaks me out. You know, it's like:

Wasted project, Nick, huh?

Watch how a real man does it.

Watch out for the wall.

Watch this.

Watch this. Hey guys.

Watch. Every time you say something, they're gonna change the subject immediately.

Way to go, Cupid Match.

We all make mistakes, Dad.

We all take turns sneaking money into your pants before you put them in the dryer.

We are all off the grid. Hey, hey, we are all off the grid, every single one of us...

We are far too alike.

We both have jobs, get over it.

We can either go the way that things have been going and we'll have a big problem.

We could get a condo in Miami and start solving crimes together.

We decided that we'll hang out more. All of us will hang out more.

We did it!

We did it.

We don't care if you stole your catchphrase from some low budget web series.

We don't drink the beers, Courtney.

We don't hate you for being old.

We don't laugh about your pogo, Nick.

We enlist in the Navy. We quickly rise through the ranks...

We go party tonight. Let dogs out. Catch gypsy. Ha, ha.

We go to her house, we rap on the door, she answers, sees the three person canoe.

We got Tagg Romney here. We'll need you to sweep the perimeter.

We got your back, Pop pop. Damn Pop pop, man.

We gotta find the passion we have in life...

We gotta fix this right now. Let's go, we gotta do something.

We hate you because you're a viciously unbearable ass head.

We have a bathroom.

We just buy them to support American breweries.

We know you're not the best with doorknobs.

We like to party We like to party

We like to party We like to party

We need real life experience. Like Hemingway.

We put it on his face. All right?

We should go. Melissa's been drinking for two.

We should take those shavings and then sprinkle them by his car.

We should, because I want to wear this costume out.

We still wanna hang out.

We talked about it last week. It's in the workbook.

We talked about you not wearing your diaper in the kitchen.

We would have sex and it was just, like, I was happy.

We'll try again. It'll be better.

We're actually happier apart.

We're coming with, Dad.

We're going to eat cake, we're going to watch Clueless on VHS...

We're gonna do every vitamin in alphabetical order.

We're gonna make my mom look so hot, my dad can't resist her.

We're gonna split the 400 bucks for the tub, hide it on the roof...

We're having another hang tonight, Jess. We got chokes, hula hoop, sitar.

We're in a bit of a rut.

We're just going over descriptive imagery.

We're just two people who wanna be friends but are sometimes attracted to each other.

We're like Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid.

We're men, Schmidt! The only time a man is allowed to think about another man...

We're not doing cabinets no cabinets.

We're taking our pants off?

We're taking that test.

We've done nothing but love you, Schmidt.

Weapons dripping with blood?

Wednesday I gotta go to the bird store.

Weird how the dishwasher lives under the counter.

Welcome to office hours. Um...

Welcome to our home.

Welcome to the morgue, officer and...

Welcome to the wonderful world of water massage.

Well, a more advanced move would be... You know what? I'll just show you.

Well, anyway, I gotta fill this up with pee.

Well, guess what? I'm one eighth Romanian!

Well, guess who's not getting a turtle.

Well, he's missing out.

Well, hell, yes, send a car!

Well, I don't really do, you know, the costume thing.

Well, I guess the old Nick is back, huh?

Well, I just actually wear it 'cause

Well, I love you From the bo...

Well, I mean, I work nights now, so I'm on an adjusted sleeping schedule.

Well, I said tutoring job, not venture capitalist.

Well, I think that you guys made a really smart decision coming in here today.

Well, I thought you're sitting on the ground.

Well, I'm really glad you're here. Welcome to Los Angeles.

Well, I'm too wound up to watch Raymond.

Well, it took a year but she's finally cooking and cleaning.

Well, it's because of what you taught me.

Well, it's just going to be a bunch of young people.

Well, it's the tale

Well, look, if that's the comptroller's timeline, then that's the comptroller's timeline.

Well, look. Whoosh!

Well, maybe they're freaked out 'cause you're

Well, maybe we can fight in your mind.

Well, Nick, I'm out of tears. Plumb out. All that's left is just yellowish goo.

Well, of course I listened, you were a good teacher.

Well, pipe talk's boring.

Well, somebody had to take the picture.

Well, thank you for admitting that.

Well, thank you guys for the awesome drunk evening and the weirdly sobering end.

Well, that's why we can't use...

Well, then whoever wrote that is smart.

Well, you can't try to kiss me like a Joker and expect...

Well, you guys are gonna get semen.

Went to juvie for stealing the synagogue's minivan.

Westward Ho, son! Westward Ho.

What a crazy guess! Beautiful name, fits you perfectly.

What about band of brothers?

What about the turtle?

What about this? Go with me. What if, um...?

What am I doing here?

What am I doing, Nick? I'm a teacher, not a shot girl.

What am I looking at? Robby, man to man...

What am I supposed to call them? Sweet tangy balls?

What are you do...?

What are you doing back there?

What are you doing, pal?

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

What are you doing? Are you selling your body to pay for the rent?

What are you doing? You said not to do a two!

What are you doing? Your arms are hot but your neck is cold?

What are you doing?!

What are you doing?!

What are you gonna do about it, huh?

What are you guys doing, huh? What is that?

What are you saying? What are you saying?

What are you standing there for? Grab a bottle and get me drunk, idiot.

What are you talking about?

What are you, nuts? Ha, ha!

What are you?

What did I do wrong?

What do I know?

What do you guys think about the length of my sideburns?

What do you mean, so what? I'm doing it all the time. I can't control myself.

What do you mean?

What do you mean? Aren't you a little small? Ha, ha!

What do you say, gorgeous? Wanna give an old man a hand?

What do you think about this? We get a three person canoe.

What do you think, Nick?

What do you think?

What do you want from me? What do you want, Schmidt?

What else was I supposed to draw your face on?

What ha...? What happened?

What happened to building my confidence, Schmidty?

What happened to the inspiring, visor less Jess?

What happened to your eyebrows? You look like Audrey Hepburn.

What have I gotten myself into?

What I can say is that one arranged marriage did take place today.

What I have with Thirsty is perfect.

What I mean to say is you look: Va va va va voom!

What if I can't do anything else?

What if my character lives and the book just goes on?

What if tonight's a test? If he shows up wearing a costume, he likes me.

What is happening to you, man?

What is happening?

What is he doing?

What is the problem, Nick? Do you not want me to have a good night?

What is this amateur hour?

What is this?

What is your name?

What is your obsession with him?

What is your problem?

What possible catch can there be? I just want you to make a bet.

What the hell are you doing?

What the hell is this?

What the hell is this? Come on.

What the hell was that?

What the hell?

What up, yo? Throw your damn hands up. We hanging out tonight?

What was that? You just grunt?

What was the band that we..

What were you doing?!

What would you like? What does this mean?

What you doing?

What you gonna do now?

What you talking about? Look at that. I'm being ironic.

What, did you have, like...

What, huh? You want that?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What? Nothing happened. I'm Julius Pepperwood. Let it go.

What? This was your idea.

What? Yeah, no, duh, of course.

What...?

What's a fluff er?

What's a pogo?

What's going on, everybody? That's my dad, I'm Nick.

What's going on, man?

What's going on?

What's happening?

What's Katie gonna do, Nick?

What's more surprising than killing your main character?

What's okay, man?

What's the big deal?

What's the matter? Are you all...?

What's the matter? Is sweat?

What's up? Schmidt.

What's with the crappy beer? You hate that.

What's wrong with me? I wanted this for so long with her, and now...

What's wrong with you, waving that thing around like an idiot?

What's wrong with your eyes, Nick?

What's wrong?

What's your fiancé gonna say about that?

What's your name?

What's your name?

Whatever Patel you're dating, I'm not sweating it.

Whatever, dream killer. What's this?

Whatever?

Whatever.

Whatever. It's Cece's birthday. It's her special night.

When can we start eating?

When can we start eating?

When did gum get so fancy?

When he comes here tonight, I'll just be like:

When I got divorced, I thought I could go out there...

When I think of a dad like that...

When I was a kid...

When I'm trying to go to sleep.

When Nick is not working here, the service is abysmal.

When Nick was a kid, he'd come with me all the time.

When they step up to the plate, they never strike out.

When we're done, I want you to immediately turn this off.

When you get arrested for trespassing.

When you go home at night, do you look in the mirror

When you struck me in the breast.

When you're going through "a Taylor Swift like range of emotions," I should come over, right?

When's the Olympics, right, guys?

Where are you, Schmidt? This place is fancy and I don't know which fork to kill myself with.

Where are you? I came as fast as I can.

Where would they put the tampon?

Where you going?

Where's Krista?

Whew.

Which is another debate. How did you not feel that?

Which is that door there, and kiss.

Which one of your depressing ex girlfriends is Amelia?

Which plating is more masculine?

Who am I?!

Who let them zombies out that damn zombie zoo?

Who wants to look me in the face...

Who wants to start an arcade fire?

Who wouldn't be?

Who's gonna lay a flag down on this sweet, sweet continent?

Who's gonna mess with a guy who's wearing a hat that says "Young girl, go Bills"?

Who's gonna speak out for us? The voice of the NFL, Steve Sabol?

Who's KT? I'm KT. What is happening?

Who's Steve Urkelli?

Who's the jack faced butthole who turned off the hot water?

Who's the shy one? Who's the joker?

Whoa, heh.

Whoa, heh.

Whoa, I'm not Nick. Nick has pinkeye. I'm Ricardo.

Whoa, man, what are you doing in here? That's my ramen.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Whoa, whoa. Jess, what are you doing? That's my ketchup collection.

Whoa! Do we have to steal my mustache trimmer?

Whoa. Heh. Wow.

Whoa. Okay, wow. Um, well, in that case...

Whoo hoo!

Whoo!

Whoo! I kissed a dude.

Whoo! Look here. One of my brothers in blue. That gun looks real. Let me see...

Whoo! Shot girl.

Whoo! What a night.

Whoops.

Why am I doing this?

Why am I doing this?

Why are you cradling me like a baby, friend?

Why are you doing this, Jess? Why don't you just date a guy that you like?

Why are you licking your lips?

Why are you making me a drink? You never bring work home.

Why are you proud of that?

Why aren't we having sex?

Why did I cross the bar? Aah!

Why did they tie you up?

Why did they tie you up?

Why did you fly me all the way out from Grenada if you weren't gonna listen to me?

Why do you do that? It's always awkward.

Why do you have a moustache glued on top of your moustache?

Why do you have to make everything so simple?

Why do you use apricot so much?

Why do you want to teach adults?

Why don't you shut up, Andy.

Why don't you stay here? I'll sleep on the couch.

Why haven't you called me back in two months?

Why I have the blood pressure of a hummingbird?

Why would I do that? Parent Trap. That's crazy.

Why would you do white wine?

Why you trying to hide your light under a bushel?

Why you're three episodes into Downton Abbey.

Why, though, with the "eh"?

Why?

Will you go out with me?

Will you tell him for me that I, uh?

Winny, it's Nicky.

Winst... W W W... yeah.

Winston told me you guys make fun of my gremlin nails.

Winston, come on, it's fine. You can think about whatever you want to think about.

Winston, I get it, man. You're scared to end it.

Winston, I need you to be honest with me, okay?

Winston, what are you talking about? Loft vote.

Winston, your brand is Winston.

Winston, your sister got so hot. I'm gonna have to Shaq Attack her.

WINSTON: Ah!

WINSTON: All right, caller, you're up next.

WINSTON: All right, Nick, we believe in you, man.

WINSTON: And here's a word search. NICK: Yeah, good luck, you idiot.

WINSTON: And here's a word search. NICK: Yeah, good luck, you idiot.

WINSTON: Are we gonna talk about it? Uh, talk about what, Winston?

WINSTON: Do I look like Aquaman?

WINSTON: Hey, man. Hey, hey, hey. Hey.

WINSTON: It's involuntary.

WINSTON: Jess, I just wanna say thank you.

WINSTON: Jess, pretend you're not seeing this.

WINSTON: Mm hm. You got something to say, just say it.

WINSTON: Oh, my goodness. Thank you, man.

WINSTON: Okay, okay, okay.

WINSTON: That ain't no kiss, man!

WINSTON: This is a good sandwich. NICK: See you, guys.

WINSTON: Will you be paying for bonus time? He can't.

WINSTON: You're a corpse for sure. Behold.

Winston? Winston?

Winston? You know, he'd do.

Winston.

Winston. All day!

Winston. You've been staring at this girl for five minutes.

With all those tabbies?

With myself for a full hour.

With satisfaction when we're done Satisfaction of what's to come

Without sex, she's not your girlfriend. She's a friend you buy meals for.

WOMAN: Like a monsoon. Come on.

WOMAN: Reigning cats and dogs. SHELBY: Yeah.

WOMAN: So regal. From a terrible relationship.

Women like you are the alpha.

WOMEN: Schmidt. What the hell are you doing here?

Woodsy.

Working hard and playing hard? Heh. I guess the joke is on me.

World shattered.

Would a non Romney know this?

Would you be mean to me one more time?

Would you like a whiskey?

Would you like to have a drink with me?

Would you like to know what I did at my job?

Would you rather be covered in fish scales or feathers?

Would you say that it stabbed you?

Would you shut up, you clown. I'm being serious.

Would you trust me? You're gonna be fine.

Would you wait one second?

Wow, guys, I really felt like I was buried under a giant, gleaming...

Wow, Schmidt, you've got so many boots.

Wow, that is so upsetting.

Wow, that was embarrassing.

Wow, they gave you the huge lashes. Those are the magnums.

Wow, you dedicated it to me.

Wow.

Wow. I look like a slutty Katie Couric.

Writers don't read. We write

Yeah ha ha! Yeah!

Yeah, and I'm a guy who works in marketing that wants to give it to you.

Yeah, but know this, all right? Caveman ideas about manhood are so over.

Yeah, check my Google history, Jess. It's filled with girls doing deep lunges.

Yeah, good. Okay.

Yeah, I do. (laughs)

Yeah, I shouldn't be complaining.

Yeah, I thought about it for five minutes...

Yeah, I'm over it, it's not about her, I hope she comes. Now, let's talk venue.

Yeah, it makes me sad, too.

Yeah, it's been replaced with phantom fat.

Yeah, it's pretty cool.

Yeah, it's true.

Yeah, man, you're the turtle! You're the turtle!

Yeah, no, of course. I've got, like, a little calendar.

Yeah, see, I tried to solve it again.

Yeah, see, that's exactly what I do. I call that "Losing Nemo."

Yeah, so this is the place.

Yeah, sure, Walt may owe me a couple hundred bucks. Not a big deal.

Yeah, sure. Like CeCe dating you.

Yeah, that's fine. (clears throat)

Yeah, that's right This cut goes out

Yeah, well, I hope you're happy.

Yeah, you can heal my...

Yeah, you can't do that with your face.

Yeah, you know what I'm talking about here.

Yeah, you know what? We're perfect together.

Yeah!

Yeah!

Yeah! (laughing)

Yeah! Oh, yeah

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. Get this baloney, I'm 32, but my eggs are 48 and my vagina is 97.

Yeah. Hey, hold still.

Yeah. I just thought maybe you were scared to say.

Yeah. I'm gonna miss Trench Coat Nick.

Yeah. Interesting choices.

Yeah. It's my plan B.

Yeah. Mama's gonna ride this blazer all the way to a tutoring job.

Yeah. Tonight? Well...

Yeah. Uh, I'm sorry to come over here unannounced. I didn't...

Yeah. We're totally honest with each other, you know?

Yeah. What's up, Robby? What's up Robby, you stupid idiot?

Yeah. You know what? We could definitely Grey Gardens the crap...

Yeah. You know, Nadia wants me to go to this last minute thing she found out about.

Yep. Okay. Twist my arm, I'll be the lookout.

Yes, absolutely. Are you kidding?

Yes, but to be fair you were there

Yes, did I tell a lie? I did.

Yes, I am.

Yes, I was.

Yes, it has "old" in the title, and yes, it's all over my body.

Yes, Jess, that's exactly what hip, trendy millennials want to eat: Casserole.

Yes, like we're all dating in a large, non sexual friend group.

Yes, nice to meet you both.

Yes, the man just left. He turned off the gas.

Yes, the table is round and it's flat.

Yes, we will. But first...

Yes, yes, I will.

Yes, yes, yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes. I'm thankful for twins.

Yes. My penis is working.

Yes. Sounds like a jalopy.

Yo.

YOLO!

You all think that I just want one thing from you.

You and I, bloodline

You and me? Sexually? Nope. Bleh! Never thought about it.

You are a piece of seaweed.

You are Mexican west coast rattlesnakes, and they call you "fangtastic."

You are obsessed!

You are so awesome. Give me five.

You are the dumbest...

You are the pogo king.

You are your own cooler 70% of the time.

You been that way since I can remember.

You boys are right. I gotta be more like Hemingway.

You bring the heat, not a threat in the looks department.

You broke up with me.

You call that a shot girl outfit, you dumb ass?

You can hate him for being old, but you can't hate me.

You can have them all for all I care.

You can hear this?

You can hold the elevator, but only if you see her running down the hallway.

You can make an appointment at my office, pay your $40 co pay...

You can relax.

You can totally focus on your art in Prague.

You can't love somebody forever.

You can't put out a grease fire with water, you have to smother it.

You can't say "butt drinking" and not explain. It has two of my four favorite things.

You can't sell A Father's Love. There's more to A Father's Love than semen.

You can't separate your feelings from sex? So what? You're a girl.

You care about your burritos more than my children, Nick?

You caught me, I'm a Romney.

You come home after a long, hard day at work. You wanna relax, but how?

You come on out to the bar.

You could be like, "Hello?" I don't know how you made it out.

You could go off the grid. You could be an outlaw.

You did that yourself, in middle school.

You didn't listen to anything I said. I told you to stop trying so hard.

You do want to kiss me, then.

You don't believe I'm you, do you?

You don't believe in second chances, do you, Blue Eyes?

You don't ever have to be nice around me. I'm not scared of you.

You don't get to control my heat, Theodore P. Gasbag!

You don't have a pranking sweet spot.

You don't have to do it. You can go back to your basting.

You don't have to lie to me.

You don't think I can do it?

You don't think me, Nick and Jess talk about you behind your back? We do.

You don't understand, you're not a sales guy. He starts to sweat.

You drew my face on a melon?

You either go way too small...

You embarrassed me in front of my colleagues.

You ever notice when Winston runs that he kind of farts while he's running?

You feel sorry for me?

You freak me out, man.

You gave me a cookie, I gave you a cookie.

You gave me a cookie, I gave you a cookie.

You gave me cookie, got you cookie. We're even. We're even, Schmidt.

You gave me cookie, I got you cookie, man.

You gonna get this every month?

You got a great deal. Good luck, doc.

You got a little hair...

You got a nice face.

You got beer on her, man.

You got hoof hands and a plywood ass, kid.

You got it.

You got knocked down. It's time to get back up.

You got this, dawg. Look at you, dawg. Look at you.

You got this, son.

You gotta do something. My sister's coming, my mother's coming.

You gotta get specific about this vodka. Have you tried Double V?

You gotta quit it with that. It's a little racist.

You grieved so publicly on Instagram.

You guys are right.

You guys are the best, man. I love you guys.

You guys are the worst!

You guys had a spark. You connected.

You guys keep a tight core, your burpees can look like this too.

You guys talk about my toenails?

You guys talk about this?

You had a breakthrough?

You had a breakthrough.

You have to admit they're never gonna make it work.

You have to lighten up, Jess. It's just life.

You have to lose your jacket.

You have to promise you will not laugh.

You have too much joie de vivre. You want to look a little more bored and tired.

You have until week's end to sign it.

You judge me for being a model. You always have.

You just hit me in the boob.

You just need a confidence boost.

You just nod at everything. Ha ha ha!

You kidding me? It's not like you work in the UN.

You kill him, you kill me too.

You kiss a man.

You know I don't make girly drinks anymore:

You know I haven't had sex since Labor Day?

You know me, Schmidt.

You know that I'm ten percent

You know they have Romney Olympics every summer?

You know we love you. We all support you.

You know what I mean? It's a different kind of hot. Still hot.

You know what I'm thankful for today?

You know what that sound is? It's the sound of an empty uterus.

You know what, Cece? I'm just so sorry about last night.

You know what, I'm gonna say yes. I think, yeah, let's do this. Um...

You know what, it's fine. I'll wash it myself.

You know what?

You know what? I don't think we should act like the guys.

You know what? Maybe we should talk in private.

You know what? No! Stop it!

You know what? That's it.

You know what? The dance is surprisingly sexual for a children's cracker.

You know what? Yes. Yeah.

You know what? You know what's funny about you?

You know what's really sad

You know who doesn't? Guys who aren't getting laid on the reg.

You know why I don't like haunted houses? Because they're just like relationships.

You know why? Because I got something up my sleeve.

You know you did when you walked in on me doing deep lunges.

You know, actually, I thought maybe this year we could go out, you know?

You know, he sometimes used to sell hats.

You know, I can't believe she asked Nick for your number...

You know, I Internet date so I don't have to sleep with people I work with.

You know, I left something behind in the desert that day:

You know, I may not actually be Abraham Lincoln...

You know, I mean, I just... It wasn't that big a deal. I just turned it on.

You know, I'm just... I'm learning a ton.

You know, I've got a great, um... I've got a great plane ticket guy.

You know, I've never been considered to run an account before. Wait.

You know, in a vague kind of "Look at that go getter in a brightly colored sweater" way.

You know, in student health services, they still call that Schmidting the bed.

You know, she had a little mustache too.

You know, that I...

You know, the drunker you get, the more obvious you're being with the thermos.

You know, then just blow them off like this: Whew, whew. And laugh. Ha, ha.

You know, this Robby's got nothing on me:

You know, we were connected. I wasn't thinking about anything.

You know, we were connected. I wasn't thinking about anything.

You like Old Fashioneds, Jess?

You listened?

You lit this place on fire, you two animals.

You lived in Chicago. I lived in Florida.

You look like a zombie Woody Allen.

You look like the bad guy in an '80s high school movie.

You look ridiculous.

You love me too much, Schmidt.

You make it look a lot harder.

You make it look a lot harder.

You making fun of my shirt?

You misspelled the word "rhythm" 38 times.

You must have dropped it on our most recent trip to No Pants City.

You my boo and I... And I... I've been missing you.

You my boo.

You need to die.

You need to ease into these kind of things

You need to go home and change, Schmidt.

You never put money in any tip jar, ever.

You of all people should know, Frankenstein.

You okay, Schmidt?

You punched a tree, he head butted a bench. You both bailed on the fifth testicle punch.

You put on pajama, Wilmer Valderrama. Top only.

You ready, ma?

You realize I say good night to you every night and you never say good night back?

You really scared him.

You said great literature is surprising.

You said somebody at work can do stitches. Who does stitches at a strip club?

You said you're gonna smite me?

You scared me half to death out there.

You should be with him.

You should be with somebody who's crazy about you, Jess.

You should go. Thanks for a great birthday.

You should see the other guys.

You shut up, Schmidt. Shut up. This is ridiculous. I'm leaving right now. Bye.

You sing and dance about nothing!

You still don't get it, do you? That wasn't a cookie. That was a...

You think fake contact lenses are free? They are not, sister.

You think I'm like a bear? I mean, I kind of move like a bear.

You think Schmidt is in the right?

You think?

You thought I was a murderer? You thought I was a murderer of people?

You too, Schmidt.

You tripped the other day just standing there.

You turn it off. Here, give it to me.

You turn it off. I don't know how to do this.

You unexpected genius. Is that whiskey?

You used to inspire me. I mean, not specifically...

You walk in all confident.

You wanna give it a try? Okay, just...

You wanna know why I'm messed up? Why I don't trust people?

You wanna mama bird me the cookie?

You wanna watch SVU right now?

You want tea, I'll make it.

You watching Fallon? Heh. That brother's crazy."

You went in too soon. Get out of here.

You were gonna dress sexy.

You were my favorite student until I thought you were a murderer.

You were supposed to teach me how to be cool. Look what I'm wearing.

You were the only one I could talk to. Being brown...

You were very beautiful from across the bar.

You were wrong about the bar!

You will not pity me. No pity eyes.

You would just pop up mad, but you were there.

You wouldn't let me out.

You, you kind of lost me there.

You. Take your glasses off.

You... You're gonna calm down, okay?

You'd be smoking hot.

You'd like me to take the survey? Of course I'll take it.

You'll get a bunch of horse semen.

You'll never see it coming.

You'll not believe what happened. Nick was right.

You're a bartender, you live on tips.

You're a dead man. I'm gonna... Unh!

You're a gynecologist and a lesbian, which makes you, well, a vagenius.

You're a super weird guy.

You're a whiskey girl like me.

You're a whiskey girl?

You're all a bunch of jerks.

You're all horribly unattractive to me. Tugg Romney, out.

You're at the bar I'm Holly.

You're cheap!

You're getting a show, he normally doesn't do this for a private audience.

You're going as young Lincoln for Halloween?

You're going to be fine, you know that, right?

You're gonna be eating two Thanksgiving meals, so starve yourselves.

You're gonna be great.

You're gonna get so many jobs.

You're gonna meet somebody and fall in love...

You're gonna prank him, aren't you? I knew it. You're gonna prank him.

You're gonna read a bunch of weirdoes' writing?

You're gonna start fulfilling every single need of hers.

You're gonna tell him how he feels after everything you've done?

You're gonna want to sign it.

You're having a party to tell girls you're ready to have sex again?

You're just as gorgeous. I mean, kind of. You're kind. You always have gum.

You're just like CeCe.

You're just staring at letters, you idiot.

You're looking at this the wrong way.

You're my cooler.

You're not broken.

You're not enough man for a woman like that.

You're not gonna be alone.

You're not mama birding anybody.

You're not spying on the student I have a connection with.

You're not talking to Nick here, you're talking to Schmidt.

You're right, I like them. I hate myself. Is that what you want me to say?

You're right. You're right.

You're saying you want the...

You're sitting on my bed

You're starting to look like a pillow. All I could think was, "Nick looks exactly like a pillow."

You're still hot. That's all we're gonna talk about.

You're texting your father?

You're the deer in his story.

You're the deer. You're the deer.

You're the only turtle I want. You're the turtle, man.

You're the worst. I'm sorry, but it's true.

You're typing his name into Google. We can see the screen.

You're weird.

You're...

You've been cheating on me in your mind?

You've been conned. God, I'm good.

You've never crossed your legs in your life.

You've seen my grandmother. I was not stuffing.

Young Abraham Lincoln is choking me out in his guillotine."

Your chicken broccoli fuels my night bikes.

Your co workers will be jealous.

Your décolletage.

Your eyes are twice the size of normal eyes. It's a bigger target.

Your father and I are not getting back together.

Your friendship means nothing to me.

Your nose makes a shadow right over your...

Your parent trap, there's no identical twins or mistaken identity?

Your penis actually changed the channel when we were watching the Bears game once.

Your pothead neighbor. Or Vice President Joe Biden.

Your rules have gotten you so far.

Your son's a really great writer.

Yuck.

Zander and Raj went to Pate's thing so tonight's been notched down to a chill hang.

Zombie zoo, zombie zoo, zombie zoo, zombie zoo.

Zombie, just tell him the truth.

...brought the change in! Mulligan! Mulligan!

'Cause I, you know, I'd really like to move on. I get it.

"After all the stabbing..." It's repetitive.

"Crushed it." I'm gonna go with "crushed it."

"Rhythm." No, yeah.

"The Best Erotic Maribone Hotel." Stop talking.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Did you hit this already? No, did you?

[SINGING] Who's that girl? CHORUS: Who's that girl?

[SINGING] Who's that girl? CHORUS: Who's that girl?

[WHISPERS] Yes. Conned. Shh.

A classic julienne. Marine Corps Cook of the Year, 2003.

A hug ball. JESS: Dad.

A hurumph sounds like this: "Hurumph." You took it the wrong way.

A lot of people get panic attacks. The willies.

A lovers' quarrel? Sutton and Chaz are not a couple.

A nice girl. I'm not into the nice thing.

A potato? You're the dumbest boy in the world.

A sense of humor is sexy. I don't wanna date the queen of cats and dogs.

A turtle? A thinking man's best friend.

A very big sock. I got it.

Aah! Apricot. Apricot.

Aah! Oh! Okay.

Aah! They're gone.

Aah! Whatever.

Absolutely not. Well, I know you didn't shower this morning.

Act normal. If that's what you want.

Actually we're... I think you should come.

Actually yes, I do. Yeah?

Adele? Adele's amazing. Never Adele.

Adios. Anything at all.

Adjusted schedule. Stop saying it.

Admit it, you're not a Romney. I'm not a Romney?

After Boo Radley? That's amazing. Exactly.

Agreed. Good.

Ah, this is not good. Now she's gonna cry. I hate when she cries.

Aight. What is that?

All right, call me tonight? Tonight's the last night of this haunted house.

All right, see you at work. See you at work.

All right. Okay.

All right. Thank you, though.

Also dead. Dead. Exactly.

Am I a tongue er? I don't want to put

Am I being blackmailed? No.

Am I overreacting? No, that's about right.

Am I right? CHARMAINE: Uh uh.

An abuse? Yeah, you can't do that to a friend.

An emotional fluff er? You gotta set boundaries.

An old soul. Hey, I wanted to tell you...

And at the end just say, "Ford. Go further." Do I have to wear those?

And have a beautiful girlfriend, of course. CECE: Thank you.

And I got that menstruation inside of me. Winston, men can't get their periods.

And I'll be the first to read it. We got a deal, friend.

And I'm done. SAM: All right, you know...

And I'm weird? The dirty t shirts, which he washes.

and present threat of tongue. This is why I voted for you.

And sex. There's a sex energy too, Jess. And sex.

And so is your dad. Okay.

And then it just... Sucks.

And then it sucks again and... Yeah.

And they're all walking with limps. I can top that easily.

And they're not even real twins. BIG SCHMIDT: Twins.

And we're gonna talk our faces off. Good luck with that.

And you scratched my van. Mom, she didn't mean to scratch your van.

And you're coming over tonight. Oops.

And you've got so much pep. Look, you're confident and punctual...

Andy. Andy is so boring.

Another Indian guy? My mom set me up.

Another word here?" I'm looking for another P word there.

Any chance you're gonna take that coat off? This jacket? No way.

Any game, you pick it out. I'm in.

Apricot's leaving, Apricot's leaving. Oh, good.

Are you crying? I'm not crying. No.

Are you crying? No.

Are you done? I'm done.

Are you limping? My hip is achy.

Are you putting butter on bacon? I don't want it to stick to the pan.

Are you really a dancer? Are you an idiot, Sam?

Are you rejecting me? I... No.

Are you saying I'm not hot? No, no, no, I'm not...

Are you serious right now? He said it was okay.

Are you seriously crying, Schmidt? I'm not crying.

Are you still in love with Cece? Ha, ha. No, that's... Yes. I am.

Are you sure you're okay? For the thousandth time, yes.

Are you worried about me, Miller? Yeah, I'm a little worried about you.

As in...? As in Shetty Solutions? I think so, why?

Ass head. Ass head! Yeah!

Aw. He's attached to it.

Band of brothers. Band of brothers, yeah!

Bathtub. NICK: Bathtub's two words.

Bathtubs are medieval filth cauldrons. Pass. It's a waste of money, Jess.

Battery? When are batteries squishy?

Be right back. Okay, let's get you down.

Bearclaw, what are you? Yeah!

Because I am. You're the worst at pranks in the whole world.

Because I have visions of me... I'm talking about real time travel.

Because I'm actually an investor... Oh, you did it.

Because it happens so often? You pogoed me once.

Because you didn't set boundaries. I don't know what that means.

Because you're acting like a ninny! Don't call me a ninny, I'm PMSing.

Because you're single. You're single. Really subtle.

Big business. Chicken corporations. Uh huh.

Bleh! Come on, admit it, you've thought about it.

Body slam! No! Don't do this!

Boom... Hello, Schmidt.

Bowl. Okay.

Bring it on. WINSTON: Heh.

Businessman. He's a con man.

But we can't. So it's about an hour and a half. Cool.

By night, I'm a stalker." You read it!

Bye bye, Schmidt. Damn it.

Bye, everybody. And no more parent traps.

Bye. JESS: Love you guys. Bye.

Call the firemen. WINSTON: You call the firemen.

Came back to say goodbye. I figured that.

Camel clutch! That's not a camel clutch.

Camel clutch. Camel clutch. No.

Can I get your chair, milady? So weird.

Can I just ask you a few questions? I know where this is going.

Can I tell you something? Me first.

Can I tell you something? Oh, not really.

Can I top you off? Yes, please.

Can you do that? Yes!

Can you do that? Yes.

Can you give him my phone number? Yeah, absolutely.

Can you hand me my coffee? Yeah.

Can you heal my pain? I can heal your pain.

Can you help me move on, Holly? You need help moving.

Can you open up the door? It's closed. Jess?

Can you ple... I can heal you.

Can't draw eyes. It's weird. Can't draw eyes.

Can't wait to eat cat food with you. Rawrr!

Carol is not a zombie? A regular person. A rich girl.

CeCe is American, so... Thank you for that information, Schmidt.

Cece, uh... Hey.

Cece, you know how. Yep.

Cece. Mm hm?

Cece. Oh. Hey. Just nothing.

Cece. You know, I'm still in love with her, so...

Check this. We get seersucker suits... Yeah.

Classic Nick Miller. You got it.

Come here. Let me just give you a... Salmonella. Salmonella.

Come here. Let me just give you a... Salmonella. Salmonella.

Come on, Schmidty. All right, let's do this. Come on, ma

Come on, spill. Seriously, stop it.

Come on, what? I don't wanna say. It's not my place.

Come on. Not even in my darkest moments did I do Urkel.

Come on. Work those calves. BIG SCHMIDT: I can do this all day.

Completely naked. Mike, where's my taco...? What happened?

Conned. WALT: Paulie, drop dead.

Cool guy power. Now you're talking, Robby.

Cool half turtleneck. How you doing? Good. Just getting over a little cold.

Cool vibe, man. WINSTON: What are you guys doing to me?

Cool. That's fine.

Could get into any school it wants. Mm hm.

Cricket the Leaper. Let me see.

Cymbals are part of the drum kit. Yeah.

Damn it! You did it again.

Damn, Pop pop. Stop calling him Pop pop!

Dead. Dead. Know what I mean?

Defeat gloriously for Cece's hand. I know what it means.

Deviant. Okay, so...

Did she die? It's fine.

Did you ask? April's in love with your brothers.

Did you call me a ninny? Yeah!

Did you get me? Yeah.

Did you get to the word search? Yeah.

Did you have, like, an extra? No.

Did you punch a girl? Yes, I did.

Did you say "butt drinking"? Yeah.

Didn't know this was a butter knife type place. Don't worry, the team's paying

Do do you know what I mean? Yes.

Do I ever finish writing my zombie book? Z is for Zombie?

Do I have your blessing? My blessing?

Do it. I'm doing it.

Do me on it. Pick that up.

Do not steal your yarn. Don't steal my yarn, man.

Do song again. Dance, monkey. I don't wanna dance again.

Do the travel stuff. SCHMIDT: Yeah!

Do we not look like dancers? I mean...

Do you guys have agave? We might have some pressed lentil syrup.

Do you know these guys, Katie? Who's Katie?

Do you think he's really angry at me? I think you need to talk to him.

Do you think she saw me? Well, yeah, you don't have a hat on

Do you think so? We all think so.

Do you think that she saw me? What? Of course she saw you.

Does everybody like egg pie? I believe the word you're looking for is frittata.

Doesn't do it for me. I thought so too.

Don't ask about the bag. Don't ask about the bag. Bitch.

Don't call him "Pop pop." That's his nickname.

Don't call him Pop pop. Pop pop.

Don't do it. ...to a little, adorable...

Don't do this. "She strode into his office...

Don't forget, you're saying I was right. I can't believe it.

Don't lie. Not on purpose.

Don't make me work for you. Come on, man, you're perfect.

Don't read that, I'm not finished... "Julius Pepperwood...

Don't say "bleh." I don't want it.

Don't throw it in my face. I got off my adjusted...

Don't worry about it. I'm on it. What do you mean, you're on it?

Don't, please. Uh, Jess?

Don't... I need your help. What?

Double check. NICK: I like getting older.

Down, down in the tunnel. No.

Dr. Sam. Oh, Ben, what's up?

Edgar. What are you doing?

Educational. Thank you. Sorry.

Eight are yours? Only gonna go up in value.

Eight stars? There's like a billion.

Emma, I really... Is there something more important than work?

Everything all right? Yeah.

Everything's fine. Good.

Ew! That's a job? That's what I am.

Ew! Why? So I can pour it over Schmidt's bed...

Ew. Poetic, but "ew." Dad.

Excuse me, I gotta take this call. Unbelievable, Dad.

Eye shadow, man. Oh, that's makeup?

Faster. SCHMIDT: Grasshopper, get in there.

Feel where the fat used to be? Yeah.

Feels like I fell forward on a treadmill. I find that arousing, and let's move on.

Feely Cup? Oh, yeah.

Felt art? Nick. I'm on it.

Finally. I am, I'm Katie.

Fine! Fine!

Fine. And you'll also see who gets there first.

Fine. Let's just do it. Okay. Great, yeah.

Fingers crossed we go donor on that one. Let's make a graceful exit, my love.

Fingers crossed we go donor on that one. Let's make a graceful exit, my love.

Five second rule. The images...

Flip it, man. Flip it. I'm flipping it.

Flowy. Really curly.

For God's sakes. They're wearing clothes.

For the environment. Yeah, we can drive together.

Forty two. No way!

Ga gunk! Ga gunk! On the nose.

Game, set, pogo. Chill out, man, it's not your mole.

Get out of here before I throw you out. He's so organized.

Get out while you can! Hey, hey, Charles.

Give me a hug. I love you, sweetie. Love you.

Give me that baster. No.

Give my nipples a purpose! MAN: Oh, yeah!

Go get her. I can't talk to Thirsty.

Go talk to her. No, I can't.

Go talk to your peeps. It's not my peeps.

Go talk to your peeps. Come on. Word. Don't say... Don't do this:

Go. Go.

Good choice. Thank you for the opportunity.

Good evening. JESS: Hello.

Good night, Nick. Good night.

Good, good. Oh, yeah. Good, good.

Good, it's definitely not me. Because it's definitely not you.

Good, yeah, that's what you say if you see... Apricots. Really apricots.

Goose dies? Not cool, man.

Goose dies? Not cool, man.

Got a story for you guys. Ooh.

Gotta be rock bottom. I got it.

Great, congratulations, man. Good for you, man.

Guys just PMSing? Not in the mood.

Ha ha ha! Do you understand a word I'm saying?

Ha, ha. Terrible. I don't have it, I don't know what it is.

Ha! Ha, ha! I'm...

Ha! You have thought about the reward! That's not what I said.

Ha. Yeah. If you wanna be the one true Schmidt, I mean.

Handmade. Eighteen dollars?

Having one moment... You're dad doesn't drink, he's Mormon.

He can't go near parks. He was cleared.

He does look like a Romney. Ha, ha! SCHMIDT: Telling me...

He was always stuck talking to Pearl Jam. He is the elder statesman of our generation!

He was talking to me. He was talking to you.

He would've. You guys are terrible people.

He's "entertaining" her. Ew!

He's a good guy. He's totally changed. Okay.

He's cool. He's awesome.

He's just a good guy. And I'm...

He's like the Hilary Swank of bald... Hold everything,.

He's never gonna write that book. Why don't you shut up, Manny?

He's not my son. Oh!

He's not wearing a costume. Yeah, but he came, so...

He's sweating? He's not sweating. Why he sweat so much?

Heh heh. No. Tighten up.

Heh, I didn't... I heard "pogo." What is that?

Heh. Hello, nurse!

Heh. What are you doing? It's writer's fuel. That's what Hemingway said.

Heh. You mean Cece? You think that I'm nice?

Hello. Jess, he wants to kill you.

Hello. Made you a cake.

Help a brother out. Jess, you just got laid off, okay?

Here you go, boys. Enjoy. Thanks, Dad.

Here's your check, man. Thanks.

Here's your wallet. Oh. Thank you.

Hey, Cece, you okay? Yeah, I'm good. Just broke up with Robby.

Hey, Dad, you wanna help us? I have to stay away from salmonella.

Hey, Dusty. Oh, you gotta be kidding me.

Hey, guys. Hey, Robby. Hey, Schmidt.

Hey, hey. Hey.

Hey, Jess. Nick, I'm fine.

Hey, Jess. It's Jess. Schmidt, stop.

Hey, Mama Bear. Hey.

Hey, Nick, you ready? Yeah.

Hey, Nick. What are you doing up? Just taking care of myself.

Hey, Schmidt. Hey, Alisha.

Hey, uh... Hey.

Hey, Winston, tell him what you have. Sympathy PMS, it's real, I looked it up.

Hey, Winston. Aah! What?

Hey, you wanted to see me? Shut the door.

Hey. Cece.

Hey. Hey.

Hey. Hey.

Hey. Hi, you must be Amelia. I'm Jess.

Hey. Hmm?

Hey. I'm Schmidt.

Hey. Oh, hey.

Hey. Sam, hi.

Hey. Thank you.

Hey. What can I get you to drink, Angie?

Hey. What's happening?

Hey. What's up, man? Winston.

Hey. Whoo!

Hey. You okay?

Hey. You're a big girl.

Hey. Can I tell him? Hi, boys.

Hi, fellas. How you doing?

Hi, how are you? I'm Bearclaw!

Hi, Nick. You guys even look alike.

Hi, Tanya. Um, sorry I'm late. Take a seat.

Hi! Hi!

Hi. Hi.

Hi. Hi.

Hi. Hi. So many emails back and forth.

Him. You like him?

Hire me. Here. No. No, I'm not gonna...

His name is Pavun. Pavun Shetty. What?

His whole ride to work, he's thinking, "What?" NICK: Okay, you got it.

Hit my forehead. You tried to head butt me...

Hmm? What? NICK: You need sleep.

Ho! Ha, ha! Oh!

Hold it right there. Let it go, man. Let it go.

Hold on. I mean, I can totally get out of this.

Holly, you ready for this? Definitely against the president's order.

Holy crap. I need a real job. Yeah, you do.

Honey, what are you saying? We saw you guys doing it in the bathroom.

Honey? Where are you going?

How about now? Hold on, I'm Shazam ing this song.

How am I gonna get the feathers off? No idea.

How are you gonna pay the gas bill? I don't know.

How are you so bad at Feely Cup? You are awful at this game.

How come I'm James Brown? When you don't smile, you get replaced.

How come there's no dish dryer? FIFE: Or un washer?

How deep? And, breathe.

How did he find me? Who was that?

How did you know? If I had a dollar...

How do I respond? With a simple "or not wear."

How do you feel about me now? I...

How do you see that coming every time? You make a little wind up thing.

How long can you do this? All day!

How much you know about Hemingway? Not a lot. But I'm gonna learn.

How old are you? Twenty six.

How sweet of you. Oh. Thank you.

How you doing, kid? Great.

How you doing, little buddy? Come here. All right.

How you doing? Good.

How? I'm super secure.

How's the hoops? Yeah? Good, It's good.

How's the little dog of yours? I had to put her...

How's the novel? Good. Haven't written a word.

How's this? Getting mad or you happy? That's really good

Hug ball jump in. Hug ball jump in. SCHMIDT: Okay.

Huge. The worst.

I always wanted to be Kurt Loder. Kurt Loder?

I am constz to the pizzo. JESS: Hmm?

I am going to protect... Gotcha!

I am not a crook! What do you mean, man?

I bet it's danger. No, you're wrong.

I bombed all my interviews. What? What happened?

I can take it. Lay it on me. You know, it's kind of a loft thing.

I can't afford it and I'm a sucker for it. I'll go get my golf pencils.

I can't take it, Jess. What are you doing?

I could figure out what... SCHMIDT: Kanye, Beyoncé...

I deserve to have a shorty on the side. Shorty's not... That's the wrong use of shorty.

I didn't ask for that. I like living in my messes. That's the point. You didn't have to ask.

I didn't buy that stuff. If you didn't, then who did?

I didn't even do anything. Damn it, Nick,

I didn't even know you were that flexible. Well...

I didn't know you were, like, a caring person. Same guy. Same guy.

I didn't. Mendelson, not *******?

I do not. [IN SINGSONG] I hate it!

I do what I can. Do you need money...?

I do. You're gonna get them.

I don't count down before... Okay.

I don't find this weird anymore. How long you been standing there?

I don't get it, is this bath water? Might as well be. It's rosé.

I don't get it. I don't get it either.

I don't get it. I don't get it either.

I don't know anything. You don't have information about anything.

I don't know who Jay Cutler is. Why are you saying "Cutler" like that?

I don't know, drivers ed, CPR. Oh, God.

I don't sell my body for rent. No. A women living with three guys...

I don't think it is. I need some sleep. I gotta work tonight.

I don't think so. Okay.

I don't understand the game. Uh, you're gonna be my intern.

I don't wanna stop. Ha, ha.

I don't want her to... We allow this to happen. We don't fix it.

I don't... Mm hm.

I found my ending. Yeah?

I found this beautiful horse, gorgeous. Right.

I get it. You can come with me.

I get that actually. Only you can make those fruity drinks...

I got it all day. I could do this all day.

I got my eyes, you get my six. No. What does this mean?

I gotta get back. Why do I need to apologize to Jess?

I gotta go. Sure, have fun.

I gotta tell her, man. You should. That sounds great.

I guess the game's over. I thought we were working together.

I had a bad bag of moves, lady. Well, they're not bad anymore, Nick Miller.

I had it handled. He was gonna kill you. I've seen him do it.

I hate Creed. I don't care...

I have a qualm. We sold our qualms.

I have a word that's gonna change your life. No.

I have the address here. Hey, give... No.

I have the address memorized. Fine, then I'm coming too.

I have to get through... I'm sick of this zombie novel nonsense.

I hear that. Aah! Aah!

I heard that song yesterday. This song is everywhere.

I just don't like it. SCHMIDT: I got it.

I just gave you money! It's called tough love.

I just sweat like this when I'm lying. Lying? Lying?

I know someone who can stitch him up. Okay, this is disgusting.

I know we... I've been...

I know, right? Yeah.

I know. I don't know how it happened, man.

I know. It's disappointing. I killed it.

I like you too, Jess. No, but I care about you.

I liked her. You did?

I love deep lunges. Heh, heh.

I love everything about them. Okay.

I love stabbing." Sounds like he likes stabbing.

I love you so much. You should probably...

I loved you! I think that's a little bit of an exaggeration.

I made you up a couch. The double eyepatch. You trying to impress me?

I mean, is that a thing? What?

I mean... Because legally, you can't.

I might have met future me. Who knows about this?

I need to kill Schmidt! Until I kiss Nick!

I once fell on a pommel horse... I'm gonna call you when I get the results.

I say that as a writer. Not true.

I think he might have been. Why?!

I think I may have died four years ago. NICK: Oh, yeah? That sucks.

I think it looks pretty easy, actually. I'm actually busy. I'm, uh...

I think we're good. Thanks, Remy. You sure there's not something else?

I thought he died. Let's get out before his robe opens.

I thought if you talked to him maybe... No. Jess.

I thought you weren't sweating it. I'm not sweating it.

I volunteered first. You can't volunteer after. I'm in the game.

I wanna buy a horse... Uh huh. Heh.

I wanna die. SAM: Hold on a second.

I want you to have babies. Take my sperms. No. It should be me, Jess.

I was gonna go "Raspberry Beret," but... if we're gonna go Prince, we should...

I was gonna let you have sex with Mike. Oh...

I was gonna make Schmidt do it. I can't hit...

I was hoping I'd never find out. Jess, we should not have gone for that tub.

I was hoping I'd never find out. Jess, we should not have gone for that tub.

I was meeting Pavun's uncle, Manish. SCHMIDT: Manish.

I was partly joking! Nick, we will talk

I was trying to add an extra ab muscle. I can't take it.

I wish I had a step brother to fall in love with. I know, right? Paul Rudd.

I wish I hadn't seen: Fair point.

I would like to have children someday. Someday?

I... Take off your jacket; She's right.

I'd just like a moment of your time. Jess, you can't turn that off.

I'd like to move on all night long with Holly. Okay, I get it.

I'd like you to defend me here. Now, take it off!

I'll be sad in a second. Yep.

I'll check my calendar. Yeah.

I'll come. Mm hm. Thank you.

I'll do it. What?

I'll give you the bad news first. Okay.

I'll kiss Winston's mouth all day. Let's do it. All day I'll kiss Winston.

I'll see you around, Schmidt. Yeah.

I'll take care of that. Okay.

I'm a DJ. Was I not clear?

I'm a little broken, heh. No, no, no.

I'm a stripper. But only topless.

I'm all about the Double V. What is that? A new vodka filled with vitamins.

I'm April. April.

I'm at school and I'm doing office hours. Get out now.

I'm cheating on Shelby. What?

I'm feeling better. Why are you...? If you're sick...

I'm fine. Nick!

I'm gonna move closer. Stay over there.

I'm gonna stay right here. I'm gonna check some things out.

I'm good, you? I'm good.

I'm hairy and chubby! ...into heartbreak.

I'm in love with Cece. Everyone knows that. You always have been.

I'm keeping the jacket on. Take the jacket off.

I'm listening. Go on.

I'm nice. I'm not nice, all right?

I'm nice. I'm not nice, all right?

I'm Nick. I'm Angie.

I'm not doing a parent trap. They got married too young.

I'm not going to do it, stop asking me. I'm gonna keep asking, so just do it.

I'm not gonna drink it all. Guys, I am an ass head.

I'm not the poorest! Second. Now you're the poorest.

I'm not... You're doubting yourself, Jess.

I'm out of here. JESS: Sit down.

I'm ready. This is good. JESS: This is really exciting.

I'm reigning cats and dogs. What?

I'm sad. Okay.

I'm serious. No. What? Jess, you gotta let it go.

I'm so full. This really is your best cake ever.

I'm so sorry, it's very important. No, no I'll just be cooking.

I'm sorry, dear, I can't hear you. Mr. Pepperwood.

I'm sorry. I'm glad you're okay.

I'm sorry. No, it's cool, man.

I'm sorry. No, you're right.

I'm sorry. My bad. Okay. I'm sorry too.

I'm sorry. You can't do that. What did I do?

I'm talking about doing it with both of you. I know. We got it, Remy. We got it.

I'm the one who messes things up. I agree with you.

I'm trying. I'm into that, just chill out.

I'm working on it. "The night was inky hot."

I've actually been working on something. A résumé, maybe?

I've been hearing so much about it. I'm really glad that you came.

I've been missing you oh, so long. You know what's weird?

If Joanie's up for grabs, I volunteer. I volunteer too.

If you go lay some sweet game on her... On your mother?

if you wanted. You can what?

If you're here for Edgar's notebook, too late. Where's the notebook?

In a taco. What?

In my graphic novel. He's an excellent artist.

In the back. There you go. JESS: Stop moving like that.

In the beginning... Tap out, man. Tap out.

In the mixings cabinet. Thank you.

In this economy? We could go on a hunger strike.

Is everybody else really hot too? Oh, wow.

Is it my pies? Are they too tart? Pies can't be a pogo, okay?

Is it sad? Holly, he's really happy!

Is that a possibility of doing...? SADIE: Nope.

Is that Cass Shant? Casserole Shanty? That's where I work.

Is that what it...? Oh. WINSTON: Boom.

Is this accurate? No, no, no, Winston.

Is this happening? Yes.

Is this making you feel better? Heh heh heh.

Is this something I should apologize for? Just let it go, man, you pogoed her.

It because I don't front, know what I mean? Don't do that.

It just... It just sucks, you know? Yeah.

It killed you. Mr. Pepperwood.

It looks like a bwanky. It's not like my bwanky.

It sucks. So I have to be in love to have good sex?

It was 7th grade! I've been like this since 7.

It was a joke. It was just a joke. My doctor says any...

It was an accident. I'm sorry. What is wrong with you?

It was just a kiss. It was a great kiss.

It was mistake. This is weird!

It was not an accident! Fine. It wasn't.

It wasn't a grunt, it was a "hurumph." It was a grunt.

It's a dumb thing to be. We got in a boob fight.

It's a mini carrot? ALL: Ha ha ha!

It's a shorthand. Why do you have a shorthand?

It's Abu Nazir! Where?

It's actually awesome. Right.

It's after Labor Day. I'm wearing whales. The dumbest thing ever.

It's an orgy. Pavun and I can't go on a date...

It's better this way. You add water to it, you weirdo!

It's danger. I'm with danger.

It's flooding. Do something! Are you ser...? No, no!

It's gone. Shut up, Nick.

It's gonna be awesome. It's gonna be great. Shut up.

It's gonna get so crazy. Come on, buddy, get in there.

It's halftime in America! Man, that's amazing.

It's her coat. I was knocking and knocking.

It's just too much, you know? Mm hm.

It's killing me. Me too. Bring it in, man.

It's like an explosion of fruit! There it is.

It's like she lost a bet or something. What is wrong with you? Seriously.

It's like she lost a bet or something. What is wrong with you? Seriously.

It's mostly paperwork. Is that why you have so many cute cards?

It's not a thing. It won't stick. JESS: I love a good nickname.

It's not depress... It's depressing.

It's not nonsense. Friends help friends have meaningless sex.

It's not satisfying. I think it is.

It's okay, CeCe. No, it's not okay.

It's Old Spice. Old Spice?

It's PMS. It's not PMS.

It's really late. We got the account. I was with my boss.

It's really weird that you call my dad Pop pop. I like Pop pop.

It's rude. You hate everything. You're on the fence...

It's sort of depressing. No, no, no, it's not depressing.

It's very awkward, and I don't know how to... They hate Schmidt.

Jar. I know my way around a Grizzly Adams.

Jars, jars. All around, jars. This is my personal time right now.

Jenny McCarthy, you? Don't make that face.

Jess or Katie? Not now, Nicks.

Jess, are you okay? Jess?

Jess, don't... I have to introduce you...

Jess, I don't believe you. No, seriously, watch.

Jess, I love your hair. It is so good today.

Jess, I'm dying. I'm dying, Jess. What's wrong with you?

Jess, the door is stuck! Oh! It's so hot.

Jess, this is not funny, Jess. Let me out.

Jess, what are you doing? Watching the game.

Jess? Hi, Bearclaw.

Jess? No, Nick.

Jess. I'm sorry, I thought...

Job? Shut up!

Just a bunch of alphas, you know? Yeah.

Just be normal. I'm being normal.

Just don't ask me to wear this in bed. Okay.

Just getting over a little cold. Yeah, I get a little agita myself once in a while

Just kiss me. No, I'm not gonna kiss you.

Just like Nick Miller. Look at that!

Just like that. You are perfect in that.

Just like us. Yeah.

Just take a breath and it will... Shh, shh, shh.

Kanye? He looked beautiful. His midsection lit up.

Katie? What is happening?!

Katie? JESS: Not Katie.

Katie's the best. Nice.

Kiss me! Jess, stop!

Krista and I have a new arrangement. Okay.

L.A.P.D. Stand down. Stand down. I'm standing, I'm standing. Look at that.

Last week at the coffee shop. You put nickels in the tip jar.

Leave me your wallet. Ugh. Enjoy yourself. I'm out of here.

Let it go. This is Nick, isn't it?

Let it rain, man. I got you the cookie. It's the best I can do.

Let me see this guy. No. Schmidt, Robby!

Let us take you out tonight. NICK: Mm mm.

Let's do it. All right, let's do it.

Let's do this parent trap. Yes.

Let's do this parent trap. Yes.

Let's get him in the house. DA's gonna have my badge for this.

Let's get natural. JESS: If you got together today...

Let's go look at snakes. Okay.

Library card... Library's not just for books. Library card.

Life sucks. Ha, ha, ha.

Like a pile of towels? The number eight? Schmidt.

Like dragonslippers. What?

Like in porn? An emotional fluff er.

Like they stretched the ugly out of Winston. Mm.

Listen to that detail. This man is psychotic.

Loft troll eats fancy soup. Get out of here, would you?

Loft vote... MEN: Nay.

Look at his features. Look at yours.

Look at that turtle face. ANDY: Nick.

Look at the mass on this bitch. That's stupid.

Look at this guy. Looking great. Oh, my God.

Look at what was inside of his notebook. He was doodling in class, Nick.

Look at you. He's so handsome.

Look sharp, you dumb ass. You, look sharp.

Look, I wanted to tell you... Schmidt, I want you to meet Robby...

Looks great. Not to a child...

Lose your phone, I'll call it. That's what friends do.

Lot of anger. You. You're suddenly calm...

Love you, sweetheart. Love you, Mom.

Luckily I've got a stone forehead. What?

Marx Brothers. Here, here.

Me too! Great!

Me versus gorilla. JESS: Gorilla

Mischievous. DIRECTOR: Show me mischievous.

Mm hm. And you can help me.

Mm hm. SCHMIDT: Wow. I mean, that's...

Mm hmm. I want the one thing.

Mm. Is this real?

Mm. Just can't go back out there, you know?

Mm. Yeah. We gotta get the whole thing.

Mom. It's all right.

Momsicle. Oh, jujube.

Morning, ladies. And Nick. Morning?

Mostly Katie, but yeah. JESS: Yes, yes, yes.

Music Man. He's not a con man, okay?

My dad owes you money? How much? Three, 400. Like 1100 bucks.

My ex girlfriend, the model? I know she's a model.

My ex girlfriend, the model? I know she's a model.

My God. NICK: Everybody, relax.

My hair hasn't looked like that in weeks. It looks just like that.

My koala claws, now that's a pogo. At least you can hide your pogo in a shoe.

My life sucks so much right now. Ha, ha.

My nightmare. Have fun. I'm out. Come on, Nick. Please?

My part. You practically shish kabobbed her.

My real name is Jameel. It is?

Never Adele! A little Adele.

Never seen you do that. What you talking about?

New pogo. Yes.

Next level Feely Cup. Hello, Mr. Miller.

Next move it... Oh, my God!

Nice meeting you too. And you met me.

Nice to meet you. I'm Schmidt. I go by Schmidt around here.

Nice, Jess. No, Cece.

Nice. But, turns out...

Nicholas, your phone's ringing. Not now, Schmidt!

Nick, you're not a finisher. Not a finisher at all. I am a finisher.

Nick! What are you doing, man? It was a mistake, a mistake.

Nick. Call me Julius Pepperwood, please.

Nickels! You know what ajar is?

No cabinet. No cabinets.

No concerts, no music, no T shirts, no nothing! Guys and girls...

No qualms. I have a qualm.

No way! What?

No, but in a contest. Gorilla.

No, can't do this. Have fun, kids.

No, I'm a stripper. Yeah. But what is it that you do?

No, I'm keeping the jacket on. No, it's fine.

No, I'm not talking about the concert. No, the after party.

No, I'm not. Yes, you are.

No, I'm saying, like, it's not really funny. It's hilarious.

No, it is not. But Urkel?

No, Jess. Come on.

No, Jess. Oh. Between the years of 1998 and 2005...

No, Nick. This is not what we talked about. NICK: I know but...

No, Nick. You're gonna get us in trouble. Get down.

No, no counter clock wise? Oh, no, no, no, no, no!

No, no, in my mind. I'm cheating in my mind. In your mind? So what? So what?

No, no, no no, this is real. It's the kids thing. I knew it.

No, no, no, no! Spin, spin, spin, spin! Fly! Do the chicken dance!

No, no, no! WALT: Dusty.

No, no, no. Are you a cop?

No, no, no. Is that good?

No, no, no. Sweat like a cop.

No, no. Wheelbarrow. Wheelbarrow?

No, really, I had no idea. Yeah, well...

No, truce. All right, truce.

No! No!

No! What do you mean, small, man?

No. All right, my man.

No. And you, my friend, are bartending.

No. CeCe, you're an angel, as always.

No. Feel like I'm at a garden party.

No. I didn't think so.

No. I don't buy it.

No. I have to go. Right now.

No. I mean, yeah, marriage.

No. It's reigning cats and dogs.

No. Let's open up this bitch.

No. No?

No. Not even a touch?

No. Oh, wait, I'm doing it.

No. We saw you guys in the bathroom.

No. You're right.

No. [IMITATES WILLIE TANNER] Oh, ALF!

No. I... Okay. Uh!

No. No, that is not my place to... Well, you did. It is your place.

No. Yeah. I'll kiss a man. Yeah. I'll kiss a man.

No...! No...!

Nobody. You're the first person I've told. Whoa.

Nobody's lying. You lying to me?

Nope. You wanna look at your work?

Not a party. A re branding event. Please tell me there's not a theme.

Not a story for this moment. That's how he got the nickname "Little Penis

Not gonna happen. WINSTON: Schmidt?

Not my middle initial. Who will again be in the classroom with kids.

Not now. I'm an ex cop, ex Marine.

Not once. I'm sorry, Jess.

Not really. What?

Not to mention the money we'd save. Heh, heh. I know. Wait, what money?

Not while I'm here, please. Is that the way you wanted to say that?

Nothing. The answer is nothing. Happened.

Nothing's gonna go down unless we make it. If Pepperwood taught me anything...

Now take off your pants. Okay.

Now! All right...

Of you in the shower? Yeah.

Oh, boy. I've got big plans for the centennial.

Oh, come on, big Thanksgiving hug. JESS: Do it.

Oh, FYI, these drinks aren't free. Well, joke's on you. Mike left with my money.

Oh, hello, Bob. You're early.

Oh, my God. Honey, are you an addict?

Oh, my God. I know.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. There's Boo as a puppy.

Oh, my God. What that thing do?

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Mm! Mm!

Oh, my goodness. Okay. Okay.

Oh, no! WINSTON: What?

Oh, no. What are you trying to do...

Oh, no. No. Wondering if there's room for one more.

Oh, really? What's it about? It's about zombies.

Oh, Robby. And you said that?

Oh, thank God. What am I watching here?

Oh, thanks, man. Just make sure you take it.

Oh, that's her. It's okay, man.

Oh, the Sugar Ray... What's the "Sugar Ray"?

Oh, yeah, Bearclaw helps with the deliveries. Hey.

Oh, yeah, I'm a Romney. Hell, yeah, I am. Oh, come on.

Oh, yeah, there's a lot of speakers. Lots of speakers.

Oh, yeah. I have an ice cream maker to try out.

Oh, yeah. You should be so much worse.

Oh, yeah. You do feel hot. ...need the thermometer.

Oh, yeah... Damn it, there needs to be.

Oh, you're messing with me; Okay. Little bit.

Oh! You stupid bitch.

Oh. In my...

Oh. One bite at a time, Robby.

Oh. Yeah.

Oh. Schmidt. Schmidt.

Oil companies. Pharmaceuticals.

Okay, he is still relevant. Where? Phoenix?

Okay, Schmidt, just... This is so terrible.

Okay, so you're good. Okay. Yeah.

Okay, these are my... ...freaking SWAT sign language.

Okay, this is silly. I'm gonna be okay. I know you're out there.

Okay, yeah. Cheers, broheem.

Okay, you know what? Loft vote... NICK & SCHMIDT: Nay.

Okay? Now you're going. End of story. You got it.

Okay. Because if I hang out with you...

Okay. Cool. No, yeah, cool. Just give me a second.

Okay. Fine.

Okay. It's like a character in a Judy Blume novel.

Okay. It's okay.

Okay. It's really okay.

Okay. Jess,

Okay. Jess, let's make this right.

Okay. Jess, where is the other shot girl?

Okay. That's not my style when I kiss.

Okay. This is a real thing, okay?

Okay. You want me to be mean? Yes.

Okay... You think that I want to work...

Old England. Have a good trip, man.

On the spinning platform. Yeah, I can't do that.

One bite at a time. Yes, one bite at a time.

One day closer to death! Winston?

Or should I say morning? Hey, Winston.

Other way, now. I'll fight you. JESS: No, not again.

Out of all the gals in this... God... what...

Ow, my skin! NICK: Okay.

Pardon? Sorry, I didn't...

Perfection. BIG SCHMIDT: This is a masterpiece here.

Please, don't do this. Dr. Sam.

Please, I don't really know what that accent is. English.

Please, please, please? Okay.

Please. Cece, can you please come over here...

Pop, pop. Pop. JESS: With who, Nick?

Proud of you nonetheless. Thanks.

Put your hands out. Let's do this.

Quite the prankster you are. Ha!

Rather keep it a secret. Your dream finally came true.

Ready? Yeah.

Ready? Yep.

Ready? NICK: Let's do the count.

Really? A big sock.

Really? Okay, teamwork. Defense.

Recording your favorite shows. I appreciate that.

Reigning cats and dogs. Makes no sense.

Relax. Relax! Aah! Unh!

Right next to that dirty pole. Okay, good.

Right now I feel very fragile. I understand.

Right there! JESS: Aah!

Right there... Oh. Should...?

Right, Nick? Thank you.

Right. I think I can get Cece back.

Right. It's a joke.

Right. You could make weird art or...

Robby, what are you doing here, man? I'm spying on Cece.

Robby. Heh heh heh.

Rocky IV? Parent Trap.

Romney. Like, Mitt Romney's your daddy. Let's get America back to work.

Sam, I'm so sorry. Yeah... here, I'll help you up. I'll help you up.

Say that again. Glasses on or off?

Say that one more time. Oh.

Schmidt, am I nice? Thank you. No.

Schmidt, Schmidt, Schmidt! Gettysburg, Bull Run.

Schmidt, she loves you. Good.

Schmidt! Hey, dude! What?!

Schmidt? Yeah.

Schmidt. Boom. Technical foul.

Schmidt. Cece. What up?

Schmidt. What are you...?

Schmidt's not talking to you. We're still on this?

Schmidts. BIG SCHMIDT: What?

See that contract? Oh, the thick one?

See this little SOB right there? That's the guy?

Send. Okay, let me help you with that.

Serena Williams, that was a grunt. It's all good, man, all right?

Seriously? He is so awesome. Nick, I don't wanna hurt his feelings.

Severe clogging. Sorry I asked.

She even got our dishwasher to work. I remember.

She should be with somebody like us. Totally. White guy power.

She will believe anything. That's not true, Nick.

She wishes. Plumbing's out.

She's got some pretty dark needs. Well, I hope you don't like him...

She's gotta stop doing this. I know.

She's really cute. Yes, she was.

She's so cute. I know, such a cutie.

She's so stubborn. I wonder where she got that?

She's very sickly. He. He.

Shelby and I haven't had sex in three weeks. For real?

Shh! "Monsoon Bedding."

Should I not? Do you want dry lips? No.

Show him how you leap. I'd love to see.

Showed up looking like a Pilgrim. Every year.

Shut up, Andy. What is this, recess?

Shut up, bitch. Sorry.

Shut up, Schmidt! Schmidt, stay out of this!

Shut up. Shut up, Andy!

Shut up. Why are you yelling? [IN NORMAL VOICE] That was loud. Ha, ha.

Sleepy? Hey.

Slowly with chopsticks. Chopsticks?

So it's like Twilight. It's not like Twilight. No, it isn't.

So you always knew I liked you? You drove me home every Thanksgiving break.

So you just got me a cookie? I was thinking about you.

So, what do you think? Terrible horse.

So... if you wanna...

So... JESS: Hi.

Sorry I'm late. No problem, Edgar.

Sorry. Ha, ha.

Sort of come in this way. No, no. I see what you're doing.

Sound logic. I know.

Stop being nice to me. I'm not normally nice to you, Jess?

Stop. Nick. What's that?

Stripper. Because college is so expensive...

Studio 54. ...Studio 54 busboy.

Sucks. Heh, heh. Ha, ha, ha.

Take it off. Now, take it off!

Take it off. The Spice is cool.

Take off your clothes. Why would I?

Teach, if I keep them on, am I a bad boy? Hey.

Technically you're single. Are you not? I have to get serious about my future.

Tell me my pogo. No.

Tell me my pogo. You're a know it all.

Tell me what happened. Well, I'm back to being Schmidt.

Tell me you didn't give him money. That's a funny story.

Tell me. This is the worst. This is not the worst.

Tell us, what's in the cup? It's a hard one.

Tell you her first name too. It's Rachel. You're ruining my thing.

Thank you for admitting that. I am prepared to fix it.

Thank you, Denise. Hey, great buddies.

Thank you, I really needed this. Mm hm.

Thank you. Come on.

Thank you. I did finish. You finished.

Thanks for helping but I'm calling it off. She's doing one of her parent traps.

That is not a doodle. What are you, the doodle police?

That is what I want. That's what you'll get.

That they want... Oh, I named my dog Boo after...

That woman is stupid enough to... WINSTON: Right this way, miss. Come on.

That's a first. Nick, I traveled from the future...

That's a good point. Just wait for one hour.

That's a great idea. Yeah. We're a couple of meth heads. Boom.

That's a real thing. You've seen me in one.

That's a... Come here. Get off!

That's ajar for sure. I already got the money.

That's ajar. Jar for sure, yeah.

That's all I got. I don't know what else. I'd say Trojan horse...

That's awesome. He's got something. Yes.

That's disgusting, Nick. Sometimes up close, art is ugly.

That's disgusting. Good. We want semen.

That's five dollars. Five.

That's how she casseroles. BRORIE: What?

That's not a shadow? What?

That's right, that's right. NICK: Wow!

That's the one. Good stuff.

That's too far! That is too far! Yeah, I agree.

That's what I'm gonna do. All right.

That's why I got this hat. Ah, come on. Gotta get over that.

That's why you didn't finish law school. Dude.

That's... You think I should break up with Mike?

The dictionary defines "teacher" as... Okay, you can take another one.

The floor is lava, doves versus hawks. The couch is the Mason Dixon line.

The love story is between whom? The zombie and Carol.

The meth heads came back. They brought your suits back. They don't fit.

The models? Yes, Jess, the models.

The nickname is longer than "Walt," so... It's the name I gave him.

The other broad. Actually...

The trap has been set. Is it working?

The turn down service. That's weird and I never asked you to do that!

Then how'd you know it was my wallet? Well played, Sam Sweeny, born in Boston, 6'4".

There are drawings on the wall of you. What?

There are no pranking movies. Yet. Get out of here.

There it is. Hey, guys.

There you go. It is happening. Heh heh.

There, I thought you needed that, okay? Ah.

There's a reason for everything. What about the bag?

There's no doodle police, are there? Really?

There's no Pepperwood. It's never get caught without a safe word.

These are my roommates. Hey.

They call me "Prank" Sinatra. No, you call you Prank Sinatra.

They have the thread count of a paper towel. I thought they were good.

They will, they mess with you. Oh, sorry.

They're my first favorite kind of chance. Heh.

They're not all legal tenders... There we go.

Things like lining your shoes up at the door. Don't do that anymore.

Thirsty Mendelson. You made her *******?

Thirsty? I don't know her name, so I call her Thirsty.

Thirty seconds of direct eye contact. Stop it, Nick, please.

Thirty years? I'm not a successful adult.

This horse is more semen than he is horse. ALL: Ha ha ha.

This is everybody. Hi.

This is fun. This is really fun.

This is great. BIG SCHMIDT: I'm doing it all day!

This is like the end of a horror movie. Or the beginning of a pranking movie.

This is my mom, Joan. Hi.

This is not gonna work. It's gonna work. It's gonna work.

This is so crazy, Nick. Oh, my God, you know what we should do?

This is when I was lowering my bar sexually. Why is my face numb?

This is your fault. This is not my fault.

This means right turn bicycle. This means stop.

This one's a leaper. I knew it was gonna go there.

This place is crazy expensive. Schmidt picked it.

This? This? [IN NORMAL VOICE] No. No.

Those brows don't freak you out? No, I've seen worse.

Thought Jess was working. Another girl. A weekend thing.

Three. JESS: Awesome night, ladies.

Tighten up. Okay. Yeah.

Tire iron. Tire iron. Are you lying? You're lying.

To my dear friends Melissa and Sadie. Aw.

to say on a first date? No.

Together, yeah. Together, yeah. Together.

Too dangerous? Yeah, that's it.

Took me months to get rid of that curry smell. What happens when he realizes...

Turn him around. Faster. BIG SCHMIDT: All right.

Turn it off. Oh, my God, it's Edgar.

Typical meth head. Typical meth head.

U.S.A. I am not...

Ugh! Being a woman sucks. Preaching to the choir. Women are the worst.

Ugh. But okay. I don't wanna kiss and tell...

Uh, yeah. No. Yeah.

Uh, yes. Well, you know what, you were right.

Um, so... Still waiting.

Um, they hate you. Heh. That's crazy.

Um... Yeah, take a sip.

Unreal, with a capital "Un" WINSTON: Really?

Urkel, Jess? It's funny.

Use the handle. What's happening?

Use your legs, buddy. Don't hurt your back. Let me show you something.

Very handsome. JESS: I'm only human.

Very important. "Guaranteed mercury poisoning"?

Very nice of you to do that. Hold this.

Vintage Katie. Like an animal, you are.

Wait a second, are you spying on Cece too? No, what?

Waiting to die. Jess, I get it. You're the type of person that...

Wanna eat me up? Yes, I do.

Want me to get you a sanitary napkin? Ew!

Want these kegs behind the bar? BOTH NICKS: Yes.

Way. Are you serious?

We could self immolate. I feel like we're so close.

We did it. Ha, ha. Yeah, we did.

We got you a horse. It's not my dream to own a horse.

We got you a horse. It's not my dream to own a horse.

We just had a fight. We hardly talked.

We saw you on a date. That wasn't a date.

We used the profits to buy perfect bodies. Robby is right.

We'd drive around Portland making right turns. Ha, ha.

We're gonna go with apricot. Too normal. We need something weird.

We're gonna talk the guy down. I don't know how.

We're just... Yeah, you know...

We're pregnant. What?

We're wondering... We doing leg warmers? Leg warmers.

We're worried about you. You're worried about me?

We're worried you're not gonna make it. To what?

Weird. MAN 2: Strange.

Welcome to the party. Thank you.

Well done, Jessica Day. Pardon?

Well, all right. She's just like this.

Well, I based one on you. So flattered.

Well, I wish I hadn't have seen that. You wish you hadn't seen that?

Well, Thirsty... Last name Mendelson, *******.

Well, yeah, like in 10 years or something. Yeah.

Well... I was fired, Schmidt.

Were you at my house? No.

What a crazy night. NICK: Yeah, me too.

What a waste. I'm pretty sure it is not a waste.

What about this? Our land line?

What are we gonna do? I don't know.

What are you doing to my leg, come on... Just chill out.

What are you doing? All right, well, this is not the...

What are you doing? I don't know, Jess.

What are you doing? I love you, Cece.

What are you doing? Nothing, man. You look good in your Dockers.

What are you doing? Oh! No, it's cool, it's cool.

What are you doing? Nice. I'm bored.

What are you doing? WINSTON: Schmidt has a security camera.

What are you gonna do to me? I don't know.

What are you saying? Nothing happened.

What did I do? You did something stupid.

What did you carve here? It's a secret. Not done yet.

What did you do? He could try on a hundred different pairs...

What do you do? I work at home.

What do you guys think? Smoking hot.

What do you know about horses? I know they're big.

What do you mean? This is friendship.

What do you mean? You're so young. As your friendly gynecologist...

What do you think of kids? I love kids.

What does that mean? Huh? Whatever.

What for? You'll find out.

What have you done to my body? Shut up, you.

What is that? That is love, you idiot.

What is that? This is the eating area.

What is this? Give me a hug. Give me a hug.

What is this? It's a ******* star.

What is this? Sign it before anything can happen with us.

What is this? What is what...?

What is wrong with you? Don't.

What is wrong with you? No, just...

What is wrong with you? Get up. I did it, I feel terrible!

What is your secret? I don't think there is a secret. I think it's just...

What is...? No, no, no! ALL: Ha ha ha!

What mission is this based on? I'm pregnant. We're pregnant.

What the hell is in that duffel bag? I don't know.

What the hell you talking about? Tagg Romney. Pleasure to meet you, sir.

What was that? That. What was what? What?

What, you get a little jealous, Bob? Of that idiot? Are you kidding me?

What? A piece of his heart.

What? And I was under budget.

What? And then there's you...

What? Did you use my friend to buy a horse, Dad?

What? Did you use my friend to buy a horse, Dad?

What? Don't scapegoat me.

What? He came.

What? I am in his shed right now.

What? I can't take this anymore.

What? I don't know how.

What? I said that because I know you like whiskey.

What? Look,

What? My dad gets super jealous.

What? No, I don't wanna say.

What? No, that can't be true.

What? Oh, my God. No, I...

What? Okay, I'm sorry.

What? Okay. No, I... No, no, no. All right, we'll do it.

What? On those pranks, yeah.

What? These are off the charts for someone your age.

What? Time!

What? What photo were you working from?

What? What?

What? When's the last time you heard somebody say:

What? With your beautiful blue eyes...

What? You're like the powerful moon...

What? You're the... She's the Cece?

What? Are you serious? My God. What happened?

What? BIG SCHMIDT: Answer a question.

What? It's good. That was an old switcheroo.

What? JESS: In conclusion...

What? What does that mean? No, I didn't...

What? What? What? What? What? What?

What? Why? You can't handle it.

What? You scared? Little kids are scared. Ha, ha, ha.

What's happening right now? Sorry. Edgar.

What's happening today? I just have to look good, okay?

What's happening? I'm gonna tell you what's happening.

What's my name? ALL: Casey!

What's that? No! PMS is mine! Stop stealing, Winston!

What's the catch? What catch? There is no catch.

What's the chair doing over here? I just moved it.

What's this, prison? Jar.

What's up, baby? Don't call me baby.

What's up, bro? What's up?

What's up? BIG SCHMIDT: Yeah.

What's wrong with you? I'm no longer angry.

What's wrong with you? What is wrong with me?

What's your calf situation? Wanna see some ankle circles?

Whatever. I like broheem thing a lot.

When can I take that? CECE: Who cares?

Where are the snakes?! All day.

Where are you gonna get it? Doesn't matter, I had to prank Schmidt.

Where have you been? Oh, my God, I'm sorry.

Where is he? ALL: Schmidt! Schmidt! Schmidt!

Where is he? Where's Nick? ANGIE: It's over, Mike. Stop it.

Where the hell did you come from? I came from my room.

Where's Robby? Pulling the car around.

Where's Winston? Go get Winston.

While I diddle myself." Excellent.

White wine. White wine?!

Who are you? Schmidt.

Who asked you? Hang up. All right.

Who wins, me versus gorilla? Go. Gorilla.

Who'd you invite? Ladies from Lululemon, my urologist.

Who's hungry, right? I am starving.

Who's that girl? CHORUS: Who's that girl?

Who's that girl? CHORUS: Who's that girl?

Who's tried coffee? MEGAN: You're such a spaz.

Who's your favorite rapper? Brian Austin Green.

Whoa, whoa! Whoo!

Whoa! Hey, man. Whoa!

Whoo! I feel like Hemingway. This is life experience?

Why are you together? Are you wearing a sari?

Why are you yelling at me? I could do this all day. All day, Winston.

Why did you do that? The wind.

Why didn't you say that before? Don't wanna be a know it all

Why do you have to ruin everything? I've got something bad inside me.

Why I have anger issues? Oh, yes, I do wanna know.

Why not? Because...

Why not? No, I mean, we have that thing...

Why would I think he didn't? Oh, you're a briefs man.

Why would I think he didn't? Oh, you're a briefs man.

Why would I? Because we're friends, not animals.

Why would you go under a van? Let's leave.

Why you saying that? Not trying to hear that.

Why? Microwaves zap things.

Why's the water cold? Schmidt turned off the hot water...

Why's there no hot water? I'm sorry, Jess. If you don't pay, you don't play.

Will you go to Ikea with me? Sure, I'm not doing anything.

Will you stop trying to head butt me, man? I just...

Will you take me home? Yeah, of course.

Winston, are you out of your head? WINSTON: Security camera.

Winston, I think you're having a panic attack. Hmm?

Winston, I thought you were better than this. SCHMIDT: I'm sorry.

Winston? Get some.

Winston? I could go for stuffing right now. Am I right?

Winston... For some other dude...

With chopsticks. What?

With Robby there. Yeah, with Robby there.

Would I have to put my legs in the stirrups? Why would you?

Would you take control of this? I got it.

Wow! You know we used to date, right?

Wow. That's so unbelieve...

Wow. Schmidty, you really lowered Cece's bar. There's gotta be an explanation for this.

Yeah, a lot of the times. You hate yourself?

Yeah, Amelia's in there. High five for sluts. Yeah.

Yeah, but in a competition. Uh, gorilla.

Yeah, I agree. That's how I see it. I'm glad we agree.

Yeah, I got it all day too. Winston!

Yeah, I got them. Mm. I was just wondering.

Yeah, I think he was making fun of you. For what?

Yeah, it was fine. What do you mean "fine"?

Yeah, me too. All different kinds.

Yeah, not even close, Schmidt. What are you talking...? I know this is it, man

Yeah, pediatrics. You're a doctor for children?

Yeah, right. You won. In her uniform.

Yeah, Robby. We all were. This is funny.

Yeah, take it in. WINSTON: The smell, man.

Yeah, that backfired pretty quickly. High five.

Yeah, that backfired pretty quickly. High five.

Yeah, that'd be really cool. I'm really excited.

Yeah, that's mine too. I love them.

Yeah, we're done with those. Been there, trapped that.

Yeah, yeah, I said it, but... No, because I want to hang out with you too.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, right?

Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah? Have you ever thought of that? Okay, guys, please

Yeah. Does your mother not like me?

Yeah. Ha, ha. Seems strange.

Yeah. Oh, Bob, that's terrible. I'm so sorry.

Yeah. When was this?

Yeah. Yeah, it finally happened.

Yeah. JESS: Really?

Yeah. JOAN: Oh, sorry. Really.

Yeah. That was a night. Great night. JOAN: Do I remember that.

Yeah. We're doing it. Yeah. Please don't do this to me.

Yeah. You are crying. Oh, my God.

Yep. Let's go. Jess!

Yes, do. Okay.

Yes, exactly. Fake trombones for a fake band?

Yes, I'm here. Weren't you here the other day?

Yes, it is. That's just littering.

Yes, say that again. You were right about everything.

Yes, the... ...and go outside and put it near his car?

Yes, you are and that's okay. Don't say that.

Yes! Unh! That's what I'm talking about. Wow.

Yes. Be someone I've always wanted to be.

Yes. I begged you to wear a sari.

Yes. I have a master's. I'm not parent trapping.

Yes. Is Twilight in Seattle?

Yes. It does?

Yes. It is on.

Yes. Now, let there be gas.

Yes. She does... She does not like me?

Yes. That's not a prank.

Yes. It's the same as Twilight. Let me... Does Twilight have a wolf in it?

You also don't shower. Are you serious?

You are a huge baby. Yeah, I am.

You are a terrible shot girl. Ha, ha, ha.

You are in love with Cece. You think?

You are Katie, right? Ahem. Yeah.

You are totally happy. Ow!

You are? I think so.

You are? BIG SCHMIDT: Damn right I am.

You are. He is. They call him, uh, Cricket.

You asked for it. This might be humiliating.

You brought a pigeon into my house? I couldn't find a dove.

You can hear that? It's blasting! Jess is trying to sleep.

You can stop me at any time. Are the guys coming or...?

You can watch The Walking Dead alone. Sam booty called me...

You can't have my menses! He's got her menses.

You can't take my microwave. JESS: I can't risk it.

You can't teach people how to write. Not true.

You cannot help with the pranks. Why not, man? I'm the best.

You don't get it. Are you just drunk at the zoo right now?

You don't have that kind of money. I know.

You don't have to lick it, Bob. No, no, no, my doctor said...

You don't know what that is. No, sir. I do not know what that is.

You don't think about me? What?

You drink too fast, you get weird. Come on. That was years ago.

You gave my number to the wrong guy. Which one did you want me to give it to?

You going to the dark place? I'm not.

You gonna take care of this? Okay. He's dead to me.

You got a great ass. That is too far.

You got a plan? Yeah, I got a plan. Of course.

You got it, man. You can be Schmidt. WINSTON: Not on Thanksgiving!

You had an alter ego, remember? Yeah.

You have a pre menstrual something now? WINSTON: Yes.

You have elephant tacos. Who eats elephant tacos?

You have more pogos than anyone. You are misusing the word "pogo."

You have no evil eggs. I can feel them.

You have too much to offer. Forget it, Jess.

You in the white shirt. Come on in. I don't do hug balls.

You just wanted me for my body. Yep.

You know, I feel the same way. Shut up!

You know, I just felt the side anyway, so it's... WINSTON: I didn't mean to.

You know, it doesn't take a genius. Always follow the money.

You know? I'm Jess.

You know? You can be Tugg with me.

You liar! I'm sorry, Bearclaw, but I meant Nick...

You like rap music? Yeah, I sure do.

You live with us. But I live with you guys.

You look cold. I'm gonna give you my pants. Don't want them.

You look great, man. I'm a fat boy.

You look great. Wow. Thanks.

You look like a cigarette girl. Ha, ha, ha.

You made it! Sorry I'm late.

You mean when you ran away scared? Exactly.

You need help. Why do I do that? I don't understand.

You need it. Where are you going with this?

You never bound somebody before? I gotta start over.

You obviously have things to work out. Fine. Fine.

You okay? Mm hm.

You pogoed Jess twice. It's not sexual.

You put the microwave in the trash? Yes.

You really seem to care about little Nicky. I mean, look at him.

You said they were fine. They're fine. Relax.

You said you were gonna kill me, I don't know. Your character.

You seem fine to me. I seem fine, but if I close the door...

You selfish bastard. I'm not selfish.

You should come over. Yeah.

You should know better. The only American currency...

You should really talk to her. Unbelievable. I am so sad.

You should've made a move in college. No, I didn't have moves, Amelia.

You think? Yeah.

You told me in confidence. Well, he's weird. NICK: How could you think that?

You too? Jar. SCHMIDT: As an adult male...

You tried to head butt me, I had to stop you. I gotcha.

you walked into mine. Please.

You wanna have kids? Let's go right now. Let's make a kid.

You wanna have kids? Let's go right now. Let's make a kid.

You wanna help me at the jukebox? Oh, my God, yes. I've always wanted to.

You wanna mama bird me the cookie? No.

You want another beer? Sure do, compadre.

You want my help or what? Yes, don't be so intense.

You want to go to bed? Mm hmm.

You were with your boss? What?

You work for Goldman then. For who?

You? Schmiggle? Schmidt.

You're a big guy, you know that? Yeah.

You're a boyfriend without rewards. Shut up.

You're a boyfriend... I'm not.

You're a swell kind of gal. Getting worse.

You're a terrible guy. JESS: Come on. Ha, ha.

You're afraid to take the glue off. I'm terrified.

You're afraid to take the glue off. I'm terrified.

You're calling Mitt Romney "Dad" now? Mm hm.

You're crossing your legs. I always do this.

You're doing the Parent Trap thing. What? Dad.

You're dry. Actually, I'm good, thank you.

You're getting your smell all over. Oh, my God.

You're gonna blow this. My face is numb.

You're gonna get caught. Impossible.

You're hot, you're hot. JESS: Nick.

You're my best friend. I want your blessing. Fine, you got my blessing, okay?

You're not gonna... The pants too? No, no.

You're not old. Then how do you explain this?

You're putting me in a tough spot. Friends, I'm in a real life sex pickle.

You're smothering me. I'm done. THIRSTY: Sit back down.

You're so cheap. I'm not cheap.

You're so stupid. Shut up.

You're starting to like him now. No, we're just co workers.

You're such a liar. Seriously, I'm not... Okay.

You're Tagg? Tugg.

You're the real monster. Oh, give me a break.

You're too important to me. It's different with us.

You're touching my boobs. I don't mean to.

You're wasting it. Oh, sorry then. Show me.

You're wearing a dress. Yeah, don't say hot to trot.

You've got those beautiful, strong arms. Ha, ha.

Your face. My face?

Your legs don't work? Good stuff.

Yucky. Oh, no, I don't wanna hear that.

Yup. And if you find my underwear, just keep it.

Z Is for Zombie? The zombie novel.

Z Is for Zombie. What?

Zombies. And it's a relationship story.

::: cup::::

::: on your nose:

..."fellow young person, will feel right at home...

...67 years? Sounds about right.

...a hybrid and a plug in hybrid.

...a refined and enlightened pescetarian, about 90 percent of the time.

...about the Louisiana Purchase... I couldn't live with that.

...African American nerd. Don't press the button.

...ahem, I wanna say what I'm thankful for.

...am a monster.

...and all the women in your life are just latched on to your cycle.

...and an actual lesbian gynecologist...

...and buying people cookies! I am not a titan of finance, sir!

...and confirm our intercourse?

...and dipped in baking powder.

...and emerge like a freshly birthed calf.

...and emotional honesty, and Paxil.

...and get onstage and collect my Oscar...

...and have all these new experiences.

...and he hasn't said anything to me since.

...and he said, "Okay, that's cool."

...and his mustache and his perfect hair. I feel like you need to talk to him about this.

...and hitting on the crossing guard. Heh, heh.

...and I have figured out my sex character...

...and I realized it would never work.

...and I tell you to pretend that I'm a scary ghost...

...and I wanna introduce you to the all new 2013 Ford Fusion!

...and I'm going for promising ballerina turned street walker.

...and it's Sergeant Giddyap Carruthers.

...and make him think he's incontinent.

...and me and my mom were just these two weirdos who belonged to nobody.

...and must face each other in a duel to the death.

...and my Blair Underwood like skin... Mm hm.

...and now they wanna be birthed. I need to be fertilized.

...and persuasion to get Cece to take you back.

...and say thank you to the people, thank you to the people.

...and sci fi movies and making everything wireless.

...and shake that piece of plywood that you call an ass.

...and she could be doing anything else with her life.

...and she's going brown.

...and tell me to get a job?

...and that I'm a dancer, and/or something involving puppets.

...and that sex would not have been possible without the efforts of a one Nick Miller.

...and then answer his riddles three.

...and then before you know it, you're gonna:

...and then I move here once I feel confident that this area has been taken care of.

...and then sleep in the warm belly of his horse.

...and then we can take her to the Naval Officers' Ball.

...and they're about to explode.

...and they're the future of humanity.

...and two more guys and then we serenade her with a barbershop quartet.

...and we gotta hold on to it. You're so right.

...and we're going to try to make prom dresses out of towels, just like we always do.

...and you came up with this plan. We came up with this plan together.

...and you have to decide if we're going to war. I sigh because you sing about everything.

...and you two walking corpses...

...and, uh, blow me away with your take. My best suit? I can put on my best suit.

...anything about you.

...are you gonna be weirded out by that? Bearclaw, I'm sick.

...at the Casserole Shanty?

...because I find teaching to be icky but...

...because I tried to shove a turkey down a garbage disposal. I just...

...because I'm going over to Sam's house to mix his batter. Oh, yeah.

...because I've got a PhD.

...because it's not enough I have an interview, with the red devil in me...

...because sex happens naked."

...because that's how the world works. Took the words out of my mouth, Little Penis.

...because they weren't judging me for "not crushing it."

...because you're not coming back from "Just kidding, my name is actually Jess."

...before he has to speak his mind. Then speak your mind.

...before something amazing is gonna happen for you. I promise.

...behind the bar.

...between you and everyone you meet. Well, I mean...

...Brorie, Sutton and Fife are in a triad and Chaz is a floater.

...but enough, don't throw it in my face. Is it like that?

...but I am Schmidt...

...but I am so glad they do, because I love it. Yeah.

...but I did ruin my dresser during intercourse.

...but I witnessed the emancipation of one black guy tonight.

...but I'm not going anywhere, all right?

...but if you track my current trajectory, I'm clearly gonna live till I'm 123 years old.

...but in the future I might do something really bad to you and I hope you'll forgive me.

...but it is available at the second closest...

...but she said she heard from someone in line that you're a Romney?

...but the one thing Mike Jr. Did have was a whole lot of 'rittims.'

...but they have value, like... Sure.

...but you can't drive her to the airport.

...but, uh, I'm a single man now, so basically...

...comes out to 219.34.

...do we start...

...don't make weird art. The point is you can do whatever you want.

...especially you, handsome.

...everything's wireless. Yeah.

...face. No. I've got an anal thermometer in my bag.

...for everybody I couldn't hang out with because they hated Schmidt, I'd be rich.

...for me and Nick to own together. Oh.

...from wanting to kiss you. Stop.

...from wanting to kiss you. Stop.

...get the paper, and shake the neighbor's hand.

...graced with the face of Thomas Jefferson.

...hang out more. No. I don't want to hang out more.

...he must have meant, "You," meaning me...

...he thinks my name is Katie...

...he was wrong about me the entire time? He's gonna run away.

...how to drink vodka with my butt.

...I also have to go unshowered. So there's no hot water in the house?

...I became a werewolf, scared some teenagers.

...I got it.

...I got your text from before...

...I had the best sex of my life last night. He brewed me like a fine chamomile...

...I have to be able to trick women into thinking I can buy them stuff.

...I know what I'm gonna do with all my free time.

...I like to eat Chinese people's brains. They're the only ones that are open.

...I look like one of the most handsome men in politics does not hurt.

...I need some conversation first.

...I spent two days pouring urine on a grown man's sheets.

...I stopped it and then we just laid there like two old people in The Notebook.

...I thought if I played my cards right, I could grow up to be Jenny McCarthy.

...I used a lot of self tanner. Like, a lot.

...I was all like: "Aah!"

...I will be happy to answer your questions. Yes. I'm in. Please.

...I would like to ask you a few questions about, you know, the downstairs girl cookie.

...I'd love to come home and soak in a beautiful bathtub.

...I'm gonna fall in love with you. It's how I am.

...I'm gonna go do a couple of brunches, maybe take a nap...

...I'm gonna go get a job like it's my...

...I'm just gonna sleep off an ass ton of quinoa.

...I'm never gonna trust anything that comes out of it. That rules out a family.

...I'm off the grid.

...I'm okay. I got it under control.

...I'm proud not only of the Romney name, but of this country.

...if that means I can spend quality time with my BFF.

...if this conversation is worth ruining our friendships over.

...if we just focused our energy onto something a little more worthwhile?

...in a...

...in terms of, like, poetic words that just are strung...

...install it in the middle of the night and pretend you did it without our permission.

...into spending $9 on a $2 shot. She doesn't have it.

...is about one man's functioning penis. I wouldn't say functioning.

...is now the producer of his very own sports talk show.

...is the largest living species...

...is when that man is Jay Cutler.

...it would be different. I think you could make each other happy.

...it's gonna feel like I'm dying.

...it's love.

...it's messy. And I don't wanna screw up what I have with you.

...it's not gonna matter.

...It's off. It's off.

...it's that everybody has a brand.

...just do me a favor and have them with the guy you're having sex with.

...just stop and chew up some cherry flavored multi V?

...kill me? It worked for me.

...knew what the meteor meant...

...like a sack of taters.

...like he's a kid in a restaurant, and said I had to check fantasy football.

...like I roll my eyes at everybody.

...like the dieting, it's crazy, and the butt drinking, and the...

...love, understanding and two sets of boobs.

...maybe you guys could make each other happy.

...motivated, aroused, you know.

...my, uh, boyfriend. Your what?

...now or later or... Now.

...of high voltage electric motor...

...on the planet Mars. What's happening in there?

...on your mother, Jess. Hey, Mom? Mom.

...or one large party size casserole?

...or the sweet smells of turkey...

...or we could both go back. We're here, so... We're already here.

...or your Deepaks.

...our entire relationship's built on a lie.

...out of a condo in Miami. Heh heh.

...please tell me, in front of Holly,

...pleasure a woman and build a dresser at the same time.

...plus more death.

...powdery avalanche of adjectives.

...provides enough power to operate in all electric mode for short commutes.

...psychological trauma whether temporary, permanent, future, or imagined"?

...recently I went through a, uh, life change, where I was fired.

...rehydrate. Come here. Mm!

...right down in there in the sharing circle, then...

...saw my grandparents, thought it was weird, came down...

...Sawyer, Nash, Nate, Mia, Owen, Soliel, Nick, Chloe.

...Schmidt loves me so much.

...she wants to be a makeup artist and I wanna help her realize her dreams.

...so the man threatening to beat up my father would run off scared.

...spike the volleyball.

...stay away." You're six months younger than me, Schmidt.

...telling me what we can and can't do together.

...telling you I had a family tragedy? How many grandparents did you think I had?

...than to throw it up, mash it into a cookie shape, and shove it down your throat!

...that at the end of the day, it's all about love.

...that I know exactly what I'm doing, so it's gotta be you.

...that I'm not interested in sleeping with?

...that since you guys are alone, that means that I have to end up alone.

...that they think I look like a monkey, heh, from a Russian cracker ad.

...that used to make girls lose their minds in college.

...that utilizes recycled material.

...that you will once again have a reason to shower daily.

...that's making him bloated.

...the freezing cold dawn, couple of cold beers in hand.

...the team that's most likely to move here, the owner, Al Davis, dead.

...then dazzle him so we're each other's last call before bed.

...then returns everything where he found it?

...they want to read "To Kill a Mockingbird."

...three, young Ann Margret, four, old Ann Margret...

...to find you. I'm a time traveler.

...to get a job? Hmm?

...to give my number to Andy. Silver lining, you have a huge fan in Nick.

...to juggle men. You wear a cardigan on top of another one.

...to lay off 10 percent of our non tenured teachers.

...to prove I can be friends with black people.

...to this lady?

...to wash myself all summer long with a penis cast on?

...until our families meet.

...very good about what I just said.

...want to know what the plan is. I'm a professional too.

...watching MTV...

...we got past all that. Come here, Cece.

...we'd have the most beautiful baby.

...we're having some people over to hang and it might get a little loud.

...what I was doing and I told it that I was crushing it.

...what you like or what your name is, or...

...when given the ball and in the game of life, this job is the pigskin.

...when he tore down that rafter with the sex swing?

...when I, uh...

...when the rest of us have to keep it together. You're irrationally angry 365 days a year.

...when, for no reason whatsoever, they are irresistible to the opposite sex.

...which I like to refer to as "The Night of the Shoshannas."

...which is about forty five minutes. If we drive over the reservoir.

...who has this raw, animal magnetism just dropped in her lap...

...who have nothing better to do on Thanksgiving than work on their screenplay.

...who just punched me in the face. Sorry about that.

...who she still lives with.

...who wants a destination wedding in Scotland.

...who's doing nothing... I'm her friend.

...who's staring right down the barrel. Enough.

...why are nothing but your breasts covered, Jess?

...Winston? I really wish I could...

...with a giant box that's got "Happy Birthday" written all over it.

...with a sense of purpose, place.

...with an Indian student named Vaj Rejuv and I did not laugh once.

...with one hollowed out papaya, some crushed ice and two fingers of rum.

...with the punch line: "Eat these nuts."

...would you build a dresser for a woman? Like...

...wrapped in duct tape...

...you bone.

...you can have anything you want out of the lost and found box.

...you didn't want to wear something a little more form flattering?

...you have the wisdom of 1000 white women.

...you should know by the time a lady hits 30, she loses about 90 percent of her eggs.

...you will go brain dead and have memory loss." Send.

...you will not build her that dresser.

...you win, I take you to brunch

...Zombie Detective"?

'Cause it's a fantastic coat.

'Cause, son, I'm gonna get you laid.

'Uh oh. Watch your back, Laura..."'

'Whoa, what bit me in the face? ' Mike Jr. Said to his dad, Mike Sr., who sucks.

'Whoa, what bit me in the face? ' Mike Jr. Said to his dad, Mike Sr., who sucks.

"...I wash my hands in her dark red blood."

"As if" is like the funniest thing ever!

"Because once you see my body...

"By day I'm a plumber.

"Chica go Bills" is, uh, actually Spanish for "Young girl, go Bills."

"Dear Dr. Sam." They call you Dr. Sam?

"Did I do that?"

"Don't die on me, Danny boy. Use the paddles."

"He was a merman.

"I got a great new idea for a dessert. Wait a second, what year is it?"

"I got your number from Nick. Wanna hang?" What's this?

"I sit in the bushes wearing a gimp costume, stalking my prey."

"Just kidding. Get ready for a night you will never forget." Okay?

"Let's get rid of these suits.

"Look at that idiot, couldn't even get a big cat."

"My mom's coming at 9 a.m. And my dad's coming at 2:30."

"No one in the sleepy mountain town of 'Ry thm' City...

"Oh, my God. I can't believe this.

"Party A absolves Party B of any...

"Possible exposure to lead paint.

"Reigning" like a queen, but "raining" like the weather.

"Rhythm" is a tough word. Don't feel bad about that.

"Sam, crazy idea. Why don't we take this to another level?"

"She had zombie legs that went on for miles.

"She was small in stature, but not in spunk and a super annoying know it all."

"She's off the grid!" And I'm all, "I don't play by your rules.

"Slumdoggy style Millionaire." You're wearing the sari for who?

"Thank you for making me better. I love you and so does my bunny."

"The Humpty Dance" does it for you?

"To Winston, have a nice summer, hope to see you again..." Really?

"What's wrong?" He says, "Daddy, I have a tick at the end of my tinkle."

"Yo, what up, K? Yeah, I'm just going to sleep.

"You are lucky and success."

"You know what's sexy? A woman with stuffed animals taped to her back."

(all clamoring) Don't jump!

(all screaming)

(all three talking at once)

(banging on door)

(beep) It's Cece, leave a message.

(both chuckle)

(both chuckle)

(both chuckling, talking quietly)

(both laugh)

(both laugh)

(both sigh)

(chanting fades)

(clamoring)

(clears throat) Well..

(clicks tongue)

(everyone shouting) Nick, no! No!

(gasps, dog barks)

(grunts with effort)

(imitates retching)

(laughs)

(laughs)

(laughs) SCHMIDT: Nothing?

(laughs) That is very nice of you.

(monotone): Robot can't find clothes to fit right.

(mouthing)

(muffled): Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!

(muffled): Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!

(muffled): Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!

(panting, tapping on door)

(quiet laugh)

(quietly): Yeah...

(scratching on door)

(scratching on door)

(scratching)

(shrieking)

(sighs)

(speaking in slow motion):

(thud) (panting)

(thudding)

(whispers): Crips.

(whistles)

(whistling)

[ALL CHATTERING]

[ALL CHATTERING]

[ALL CHEERING]

[ALL CHEERING]

[ALL CHEERING]

[ALL GASP]

[ALL GASP]

[ALL LAUGH]

[ALL LAUGHING]

[ALL SCREAM]

[ALL SCREAMING]

[ALL SHOUTING]

[BABBLING AND GRUNTING]

[BANGING ON DOOR]

[BEN LAUGHS]

[BIG SCHMIDT HUMS]

[BLOWS RASPBERRY]

[BOB GRUNTS]

[BOTH BURBLING]

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

[BOTH GIGGLING]

[BOTH GIGGLING]

[BOTH GRUNT]

[BOTH GRUNT]

[BOTH GRUNT]

[BOTH GRUNTING]

[BOTH LAUGH]

[BOTH LAUGH]

[BOTH LAUGH]

[BOTH LAUGHING]

[BOTH LAUGHING]

[BOTH LAUGHING]

[BOTH LAUGHING]

[BOTH MOANING]

[BOTH MUMBLING]

[BOTH PANTING]

[BOTH SCREAMING]

[BOTH SCREAMING]

[BOTH SCREAMING]

[BOTH SCREAMING]

[BOTH SINGING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

[BOTH YELLING AND LAUGHING]

[CAR ENGINE APPROACHES]

[CECE GAGS THEN SIGHS]

[CECE GASPS]

[CECE GASPS]

[CECE GROANS]

[CECE LAUGHS]

[CELL PHONE BEEPING]

[CELL PHONE BEEPING]

[CELL PHONE BEEPING]

[CELL PHONE BEEPS]

[CELL PHONE BEEPS]

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

[CELL PHONE RINGS]

[CELL PHONES BEEP]

[CHAZ SIGHS]

[CHILDREN CHATTERING]

[CHUCKLES]

[CHUCKLES]

[CHUCKLES]

[CHUCKLES]

[CHUCKLES]

[CHUCKLES]

[CHUCKLES]

[CHUCKLES]

[CHUCKLES]

[CHUCKLES]

[CHUCKLES]

[CHUCKLING]

[CLEARS THROAT]

[CLICKS TONGUE]

[CLINKING]

[CLOWN LAUGHS]

[CONTINUES SOBBING]

[COOING]

[COUGHS]

[COUNTRY AND WESTERN BALLAD PLAYING ON RADIO]

[CROWD CHEERING]

[CROWD GASPS]

[CRUNCHING]

[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

[DOOR CLOSES]

[DOOR CLOSES]

[DOOR CLOSES]

[DOOR CLOSES]

[DOOR OPENS THEN CLOSES]

[DOOR OPENS]

[DOOR OPENS]

[DOOR OPENS]

[DOOR SLAMS]

[DR. DOG'S "WHAT A FOOL" PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

[EDGAR GRUNTS]

[ELENI MANDELL'S "BUN IN THE OVEN" PLAYING]

[ELEVATOR DINGS]

[ELEVATOR DINGS]

[EMMA SIGHS]

[ENGINE STARTS]

[FLUTE PLAYING PEACEFUL MUSIC]

[GAGS]

[GASPS]

[GIGGLES]

[GIGGLES]

[GROANING]

[GROANS]

[GROANS]

[GROANS]

[GROUP CHATTERING]

[GROWLS]

[GROWLS]

[GRUNTING]

[GRUNTING]

[GRUNTS THEN LAUGHS]

[GRUNTS]

[GRUNTS]

[GRUNTS]

[GRUNTS]

[HALL & OATES'S "YOU MAKE MY DREAMS" PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS]

[HISSING]

[HOLD MUSIC PLAYING OVER PHONE]

[HONKING]

[HORN HONKS]

[HOUSE OF PAIN'S "JUMP AROUND" PLAYING]

[HUMMING]

[ICE CREAM TRUCK PLAYING MELODY]

[IMITATES BALKI] Get out of the city, cousin Larry Appleton!

[IMITATES FRASIER] I'm Frasier Crane. No!

[IMITATES MICHELLE TANNER] How rude!

[IMITATES OLD MAN] "I'm Nick. I hate sunshine.

[IMITATES SNEEZE]

[IMITATES URKEL] Did I do that?

[IMITATES URKEL] Did I do that?

[IMITATES URKEL] Did I do that?

[IMITATES WOODY ALLEN]: I couldn't afford my therapist so I ate his brains.

[IMITATES WOODY ALLEN]: On Christmas...

[IMITATES WOODY ALLEN]: These brains are terrible.

[IMITATES WOODY ALLEN]: Zombie Cristina Barcelona.

[IN BABY VOICE] What if I talk like a baby?

[IN BREATHY VOICE] And I'm studying to be an actress.

[IN BREATHY VOICE] Who wants a shot of firewater?

[IN DEEP VOICE] Dude, my phone is wireless, my computer's wireless...

[IN DEEP VOICE] I'm off the grid!

[IN DEEP VOICE] Loft troll not used to fancy gentlemen.

[IN ENGLISH ACCENT] Would you like to eat me?

[IN INDIAN ACCENT] "I want to control your life."

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Be mean.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Cece. Cece. Cece, wait. Do you wanna talk?

[IN NORMAL VOICE] I don't know what the plan is, Schmidt.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] I don't know. Here I am.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] I thought the thing was you didn't like him.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] I'm so far off the grid that everybody's all:

[IN NORMAL VOICE] It just came to me. Where did that come from?

[IN NORMAL VOICE] It's Urkel! Urkel?

[IN NORMAL VOICE] No, I'm the best guy. Come on. Come on.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] So for a fun follow up...

[IN NORMAL VOICE] What happened?

[IN NORMAL VOICE]: I'm gonna be home late tonight, so don't wait up...

[IN NORMAL VOICE]: Not in that costume.

[IN RASPY VOICE] Got any meth?

[IN RASPY VOICE] This is worth three bowls of sweet meth.

[IN RASPY VOICE] To me it looks like a meth sandwich.

[IN SOULFUL VOICE] I'm the egg queen. I'm queen of the eggs.

[INDIAN CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER ON TV]

[JESS & JOAN LAUGH]

[JESS & WINSTON GRUNTING]

[JESS CHUCKLES]

[JESS GASPS]

[JESS GASPS]

[JESS GIGGLES]

[JESS LAUGHS]

[JESS MOANS]

[JESS PANTING]

[JESS SCOFFS]

[JESS SIGHS, THEN SNIFFLES]

[JESS SNICKERS]

[JESS' CELL PHONE PLAYING "I'M SO EXCITED"]

[JESS' CELL PHONE PLAYING "I'M SO EXCITED"]

[JESS' CELL PHONE PLAYING "I'M SO EXCITED"]

[JESS' CELL PHONE PLAYING "I'M SO EXCITED"]

[JESSIE WARE'S "WILDEST MOMENTS" PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

[JIM CROCE'S "IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE THAT WAY" PLAYING]

[JOAN CHUCKLES]

[KMC'S "EVERYBODY JUMP" PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

[KNOCKING ON DOOR, THEN DOOR OPENS]

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

[LAUGHS]

[LAUGHS]

[LAUGHS]

[LAUGHS]

[LAUGHS]

[LAUGHS]

[LMFAO'S "PUT THAT As $ TO WORK" PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

[MAKES POPPING NOISE]

[MAKING FLATULENCE SOUNDS]

[MAN SPEAKING IN LOW VOLUME ON TV]

[MELISSA & SADIE LAUGH]

[MEN LAUGH]

[MOUTHING]: Thank you.

[MOUTHS] I can't do it.

[MOUTHS] Oh, my God.

[MOUTHS] You'll never see it coming.

[MUSIC STOPS]

[MUSIC STOPS]

[MUSIC TURNED OFF]

[MUTTERS]

[NICK & JESS LAUGH]

[NICK & SCHMIDT CHUCKLE]

[NICK & WINSTON YELL]

[NICK CHUCKLES]

[NICK CONTINUES BABBLING AND GRUNTING]

[NICK COUGHING AND HACKING]

[NICK GROANING]

[NICK GROANS]

[NICK GRUMBLING]

[NICK GRUNTING AND YELLING]

[NICK GRUNTING]

[NICK IMITATING DRUMS, JESS IMITATING CYMBALS]

[NICK LAUGHING]

[NICK LAUGHING]

[NICK LAUGHS]

[NICK MOANING]

[NICK SIGHS]

[NICK SIGHS]

[OLD NICK MAKING BEEPING NOISES]

[OVER SPEAKERS] In time

[PANTING AND SCREAMING]

[PANTING]

[PANTING]

[PAUL SIMON'S "YOU CAN CALL ME AL" PLAYING ON STEREO]

[PEOPLE CHATTERING]

[PUBLIC ENEMY'S "HE GOT GAME" PLAYING]

[R&B MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO]

[RASPS]

[SCHMIDT CLEARS THROAT]

[SCHMIDT COOS]

[SCHMIDT GASPS]

[SCHMIDT HUMMING FANFARE]

[SCHMIDT LAUGHS]

[SCHMIDT MOOING]

[SCHMIDT SIGHS]

[SCHMIDT SIGHS]

[SCHMIDT SNIFFING]

[SCHMIDT SNIFFLES]

[SCOFFS]

[SCOFFS]

[SCOFFS]

[SCOFFS]

[SCREAMING]

[SCREAMS]

[SIGHS]

[SIGHS]

[SIGHS]

[SIGHS]

[SIGHS]

[SIGHS]

[SIGHS]

[SIGHS]

[SIGHS]

[SIGHS]

[SIGHS]

[SIGHS]

[SIGHS]

[SIGHS]

[SIGHS]

[SIGHS]

[SINGING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

[SINGING] Every time I try to tell you The words just come out wrong

[SINGING] Groove is in the heart

[SINGING] Hey, girl

[SINGING] I couldn't dance with another

[SINGING] The chills that you spill up my back Keep me filled

[SINGING] Well, I love you

[SINGING] Who's that girl?

[SINGING] Who's that girl?

[SINGING] Who's that girl?

[SINGING] Who's that girl?

[SINGING] Who's that girl?

[SINGING] Who's that girl?

[SINGING] Who's that girl?

[SINGING] Who's that girl? CHORUS: Who's that girl?

[SINGING] Who's that girl? CHORUS: Who's that girl?

[SINGING] Who's that girl? CHORUS: Who's that girl?

[SINGING]: You stopped in my room for no reason

[SLAPS DESK]

[SNICKERS]

[SNIFFLES]

[SOBBING]

[SOBBING]

[SOBBING]

[SOUL MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

[SPANK'S "LAY YOU DOWN" PLAYING ON STEREO]

[SPUTTERING]

[STAMMERS]

[THE BABIES' "ON MY TEAM" PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

[TIRES SCREECH]

[TIRES SCREECHING AND ENGINE REVVING NEARBY]

[TIRES SCREECHING]

[TOENAILS CLICKING ON FLOOR]

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

[WAITRESS SIGHS]

[WATER RUNS]

[WHISPERS] Apricot. Apricot.

[WHISPERS] Fluff er.

[WHISPERS] I took a photo of the wall, shrunk it down, made a copy at an architect's office.

[WHISPERS] Jess, no.

[WHISPERS] What's in that duffel bag?

[WHISPERS] You gotta go.

[WHISPERS]: Keep it small. I'm from Chicago.

[WHISPERS]: What was I saying? You're right.

[WINSTON & NICK LAUGH]

[WINSTON GIGGLES]

[WINSTON PANTING]

[WINSTON WHIMPERING]

[WINSTON WHISTLES]

[YELLS]

[YODELING] Look at that notebook

[YODELS]

♪

♪ Who's that girl?

♪ Who's that girl? ♪ ♪ It's Jess.