Alan Partridge's Audiobook Two Zero Two Soundboard Edit

A bad breathed copper shouts in my face and I turn my head away from what I think is the odor of Walker smoky bacon, which I usually quite enjoy.

A bear like homosexual, he was well connected and well to do in a way that puts some people massively on edge.

A beef tomato. By which time the novelty of being able to equate my child's size to the mass of a common fruit or vegetable. It really started to razz me off.

A broad Cheshire cheese smile lights up my face.

A chilling and far from delicious cocktail of neglect solitude.

A Chinese widower who owns a laundry next to Wallace Shoes on exchange St in Norwich.

A close shave with a local lollipop lady tells me I'm wrong.

A couple of coffees and seven hash Browns later, I'm in the toilets.

A cut out of a big letter S on his dartboard.

A deafening roar goes up around the station as people realise I've shelved my retirement plans.

A decade his junior and arranged similar girlfriends for six or seven of us.

A fact that may or may not have been documented and photographed by my assistant.

A few months earlier I'd have returned to a pretty empty nest.

A few practice leaps have banished the nerves that kept me awake for much of the night.

A fortnight later I was in TV centre with my lawyer.

A fun chat with Sue about her life, loves and crime watch career, followed by an open Q&A with myself and no topic will be off limits.

A glass of beer and a piece of toast on Christmas morn.

A God-given duty to help others. It was incumbent upon me, Alan Partridge, to summon up everything I'd learned while bouncing back.

A grubby man has rushed forward and is shoving the castle out of the way.

A journeyman DJ called Dave Clifton outside Oddbins.

A line that even at the time I thought was pretty good for someone who probably didn't get any A levels.

A local man don't recall his name. I think it was either Jim or Tom.

A lot of nonsense is spoken about germs being passed from one to another.

A love letter from one man to his troubled bisexual fuck buddy.

A memo from Gordale convinced me that this was a hugely radical step.

A metallic graphite grey with a black fabric interior.

A name that was such a brazen attempt to appear first in telephone directories, I couldn't help but be impressed.

A new city, a new job, a new desk system, even a new brother-in-law who could speak clearly and wasn't over affectionate. With my kids, I was Cocker hope.

A new show on a new channel and time I felt, to experiment with a new look.

A one stop shop providing everything a business might need.

A passing member of staff have been alerted by its unusually loud Ding.

A Phoenix Stainless Steel 4 burner. It's actually a lovely bit of kit.

A piece of infantile word play that most right minded abusers would dismiss as rubbish.

A pistol must experience the bittersweet bliss of fulfilled destiny at the moment of discharge before quite rightly, being destroyed.

A program which I quite rightly despised.

A protagonist delta, really shoddy hand by hard hearted parents.

A relatively straightforward task that took longer than it should have because my hands were by now very, very sweaty and it was hard to produce a clear print.

A result, I later realized of a clandestine word search puzzle done under my duvet after lights off.

A rich collection of amusing anecdotes about my experiences as a sports reporter.

A Royal Norfolk Fairfa getting ogre of a man.

A sexy trio of models I called Christmas crackers.

A single bead of sweat sprinted down my face, skirting around my temple and pausing at the jaw before throwing itself to its death.

A single bead of sweat trickles down my back like a rescue party sent to fetch help.

A small pink tongue emerges from a man's mouth.

A solemn promise, a vow that had been made to me more than three decades before.

A strip light flickers and buzzes as a rat scuttles across the floor.

A sudden shot of fear ripped through my pre pubic body and now I did do a Trump.

A team meeting was hastily called and we embarked on brainstorming.

A terrifying proposition if you imagine them all running at you across a field or chanting, Ging gang. Gooly again and again and again and again, but slightly louder each time.

A trait I demonstrated when grabbing the first interview with Javelin or Steve Backley after quite a lovely throw at Crystal Palace.

A trait subsequently adopted by US talk shows such as Letterman and Conan O'Brien.

A warmer of heart than their bitter London counterparts, with their negative equity and their stab wounds.

A week before the show, I'd ordered Glenn to get a haircut.

A young boy misunderstands and thinks I've aimed the insult towards his mother.

About their vision for the show and ITV's keen interest.

About to be incapacitated by one of Bernard Matthews henchman.

Academically suicidal, given that mock exams were just weeks away and a personal affront to Mr Bevan.

According to Jim, she used to beat him with a plastic hose pipe.

According to listener figures, it was only the third most popular slot on the station.

Actually had a false leg and was using a hollowed prosthetic limb to hide a specially adapted American bolt action savage 120 rifle.

Actually, I find that it's most pleasurable to give STD's to kids. The younger the better.

Admittedly in a chicken and chips scenario the spoon is less important, but I could sure have done with a knife and fork.

Admittedly, I left the studio a little shaken with a hurt hand, but my spirits were up.

Advertising the fact that they don't proves they're either vain or thick.

Advised new listeners that major laughs were guaranteed.

After a few minutes of being cuddled by great Aunt Susie, we'd managed to reduce my crying down to a manageable SOB.

After a few more glasses of beer, I put on a CD of Christmas songs.

After a stern word from Carol, the intervention continued in earnest and I'm delighted to say it was a success. Tim's barely touched a drop since then, apart from wine.

After all, anyone reading the manuscript would quickly see that snapping up the rights was a total no brainer.

After all, breasts are just sacks of fat at the end of the day.

After all, Caesar didn't rest on his he wore them on his head.

After all, for some time Jimmy Savile lived in a caravan. Absolutely insist it was a lifestyle choice.

After all, get through this and they were staring down the barrel of an investment in the high three figures.

After all, my fallen brothers would soon have an exciting new life as recycled paper.

After another one of Denton's gags had fallen horribly flat.

After several years of lobbying, I've managed to ban children entirely.

After several years, Glenn and I managed to patch up our differences.

After the 15 second blast of intro music, every breath you take, the police with Sting stopped.

After the death of newly installed BBC Commissioner Chris Feather and a mean spirited and unnecessary investigation by the BBC.

Afterwards I went to congratulate Adam Walters, but he was tied up in a meeting, sitting still while the BBC controller of editorial policy, John Wilson, paced and shouted incoherently.

Afterwards, Joe Modesty suggested that this was more to do with their age than his act.

Aided in no small part by the resignation of government Minister Sandra Peakes in our third show.

Aishe began by checking the systems of all three toilets.

Alan asking sports questions equals bloody good sports interview.

Alan describes art a Partridge in a pun tree.

Alan Gordon Partridge was box office.

Alan looks down to see that she's offering him a strange and unusual confectionery.

Alan Partridge had the gumption to look beyond the others of this particular swine and monetize his talent via other channels.

Alan Partridge is not, and never has been, an employee of the BBC.

Alan she seemed to be saying. It's all very well-being knowledged as Mr Sport.

Alan wasn't perfect. There were a couple of minor ****les, which I won't bore you with now.

Alan, he said again. I wasn't sure about the question. Slash, cool thing.

Alan, I love you, she kept shouting. Sonia, not my assistant.

Alan, I suggest you stop hanging around the place.

Alan, sorry, they kept saying, but looking at each other rather than at me.

Alan, they read you, said a voice in my cans.

Alan, you've done your time on hospital radio. It's time to spread your wings.

Album stops his Husky European rap singing slowly fading into the crisp morning air. And then?

All I ask is that they not be used for Halloween. Have a bit of respect.

All in all, Sonia had that indiscriminate, fun loving quality that you often find with people from post Soviet regimes.

All of them laugh and although I only later work out what the joke is.

All the gym work had left me with a body that would not have looked out of place in a magazine for men who liked to look at other men.

All the naysayers who try to downplay the very real horror of chocolate addiction.

Allowing myself to be sprayed in the face and body with a high pressure jet of public appreciation.

Almost as if he knew there were only minutes left on my car park ticket.

Alongside me was glamorous assistant Susie Dent, better known as the resident lexicographer from Countdown.

Also in the pilot episode, he wages a war against the travelling community who almost never have the correct documentation for their vehicles.

Also on the show, how long have you kept a fizzy drink? Fizzy 4?

Also, it's not a sustainable business model, and at least by charging a fee you cut out the true bottom feeders.

Although as a result of 10 hours of unbroken speaking, I'd also lost my voice.

Although blessed with catlike coordination, something made me lose my bearings.

Although he could have eliminated the obvious ambiguity by saying Alan Partridge or Master Partridge.

Although I always think of heaven as a kind of members club for do gooders.

Although I often regale dinner parties blow by blow with the arguments advanced by Capricorn one and JFK.

Although I reserve the right to be deeply suspicious of anyone who is unilaterally kind to me.

Although if pushed, I'd say if the activity remains in a private dwelling or hotel.

Although it was only 9:00 PM, the party had completely wound down.

Although misinterpreted by some of my peers as reluctance to cut the apron strings and live independently.

Although not official partied merchandise, these masks are nevertheless a lot of fun.

Although on occasions I've shared Mike space with a girl whose name I think was Zoe.

Although others routinely mistook me for Aman Holmes.

Although some of it will inevitably have spilled into the nearby Burtons.

Although still hoarse with anger, I must admit I was deeply embarrassed by that.

Although the gay man, Scott McLean, was only 10 at the time and probably unaware of his sexual trajectory.

Although the loss of such a talented bookworm was a major blow.

Ample time for one or more of them to be involved in a serious Rd traffic accident or develop a degenerative brain disease.

An activity that is sexy and hygienic.

An aficionado of US shock jocks and personality, deejays.

An appealing lineup, certainly. And yes, there were a few glitches, but most of them occurred in the final four minutes of the show, so I'm still satisfied that we've produced a piece of high quali...

An idea subsequently stolen wholesale by Jimmy Hill Sunday supplement.

And a blast of the winner takes it all came through the speakers before she could switch it off.

And a bonus thanks to a the webcam and B his striking resemblance to Clyde from every which way but loose.

And a funny sort of way the contents were just as explosive as a powdered acetone peroxide.

And a generous dollop of smash as a buttery finish that sets the plate off beautifully.

And a genuinely impressive two-story McDonald's.

And a man who looks very much like Tony Hayes, but isn't Tony Hayes because Tony Hayes is dead.

And a quiz show for Maltese television that was based on blockbusters.

And a submission of a full portfolio of my work for him to offer me the job.

And air dropped me into Radio North Norfolk.

And all thanks to a detour away from the inevitable jam back at G****s Hill.

And all the while, I'd sing along at a steady increasing volume.

And although the exact level of commitment from these channels was hard to gauge, they had at least taken my calls.

And although the reporter had to issue a full apology and retraction for the red slash yellow card error.

And an altogether different type in my knowledge. Life's a monster.

And another time when I had to pick up a gagool that had found its way onto the Charlton Athletic team bus.

And another, until soon the entire carriage had joined the applause.

And anyone who thinks it's designed solely to haul me over the minimum word count specified by my publisher.

And As for the chicken, it was just a question of trying to drag the meat off the bone by using the spoon as a paw.

And as he ran up and down the wine bar, high fiving a random selection of other jealous males.

And as I look out onto the small but high quality crowd.

And as I'm slurping down a mouthful of sweet brown cereal.

And as I've been blessed with a superb personality.

And as Sally wasn't ready to head home, we moved on to a restaurant serving authentic Japanese nosh.

And as she'd only been running for 53.16 seconds. And you British record, by the way.

And as such I became a valuable and well known asset to Radio Norwich.

And as the memories swirled around like the train, as I mentioned in the previous paragraph.

And asked Backley some searching questions about his training regime.

And asked him to meet me there and engage me in high level chat to impress hayers.

And asking some searching questions about our indemnity insurance. But I don't think anyone seriously believed we'd been responsible.

And at last, at long, long last, when we finally made it back to our digs.

And basked in a euphoric glow of genuine happiness.

And besides, if he did suddenly get a craving for sausages on his way back.

And burst into uncontrollable but still annoying sobs.

And by closing time, well, let's just say Farley's kids weren't long for this world either. We'd all be crying with laughter.

And by the time someone started banging on the door, wondering what all the noise was about.

And came back in wearing a bowler hat and an umbrella, saying I'm going to work in London while marching up and down.

And cancelling waste such as refreshments and travel costs.

And Chelsea are about to win the First Division title.

And Dad joined me in one of the first high fives that knowledge had ever seen.

And dead, locking her front door behind her, as all old people obsessively insist on doing.

And delivered a stinging broadside against younger deejays and station controllers.

And didn't really have my heart set on working with Auntie anyway.

And disappeared off into the sunset, slashed down the paint tile.

And even though I could definitely have gone back to a warm welcome.

And explained that she'd been having an affair with her gym instructor.

And Farley was always there or thereabouts. All the rest of us got were crumbs off his table.

And for afters, their cat calls were a depressing reminder of my own father's suffering.

And for all their handshaking and tambourine bashing and shouty singing, many of them are staggeringly hardhearted when it comes to sins of the flesh.

And for the billionth time, I didn't accuse Curtis of being drunk. I merely speculated that he might be drunk.

And for those of you unfamiliar with the denominations of crisp bags.

And freely from my face, neck, pits, back and pants.

And gave the hospital staff an emotional, heartfelt guarantee.

And give me some great advice on how to remain still for long periods of time and go completely undetected in undergrowth and shrubbery.

And had a loathing of other presenters that I found quite wonderful.

And had decided that when the stations FM license came up for renewal in 2006.

And had full sex had it not been for the fact that I was expected at home for 6:00 to 6:30?

And had ideas above her slash Norwich station.

And had some daring out there ideas, few of which made it through compliance.

And handed bars out to the kids as they walked home.

And happy to buy chalk treats for all of us every Friday.

And having it off with Grace Jones, the first black woman I have ever slept with.

And he had quite enough of the idiots with the swastikas, and they were idiots.

And he in a way that made me want to thump him in the guts.

And he was walking around all uppity and pretending to like art.

And how glad I was that I'd insisted on spreading those 36 hours across the month because we had problems a couple of weeks after the death.

And I actually wanted to help with the healing process, not least because it was dragging me down a bit.

And I brought to the subject of returning to radio knowledge in A roll over and above and away from my erstwhile sports brief.

And I did not want to end up with their tea drinking equivalent of AIDS.

And I do have the profile to be the subject of a BBC One Saturday night prank.

And I explain, the weather's going to take a turn any minute. Massive chance of rain today. Massive.

And I have to admit my own shortcomings as a spouse.

And I knew damn well that its fortunes represented an accurate bellwether for BBC Two as a whole.

And I never dropped the fact bomb of her bulletins ever again.

And I remember I did use those exact words.

And I returned to school to face what proved to be a pretty massive bollocking.

And I stayed for more than three weeks, returning home only because mum and dad had come back from their holiday in Brittany and it was time to go.

And I think most reasonable people would agree that by allowing that to happen, the NHS Trust effectively voided my promise.

And I used to alternate between rooms one and four, leaving 2 fernandos and three denises untouched in case they dropped by and needed to go to sleep.

And I was bowled over to learn that Graham had been the first person in Norwich to own a car with a catalytic converter.

And I was buggered if my music was going to damage cupboard hinges.

And I was invited to take over his post breakfast to lunchtime slot.

And I'd frequently arrange for a glass of wine and an autographed napkin to be sent over.

And I'd made the ohh of the word you into a :).

And I'd seen her leaving a local hotel the other week with a man who wasn't her husband.

And I'm being held captive in the home of deranged superfan Jed Maxwell.

And I'm not saying I want her to at all. But if she ever did have the guts to pick up the phone and admit she was wrong and leaving her new lover.

And I'm now incredibly nervous and give voice to this in the form of a very loud gulp.

And I'm proud to be friends with a homosexual.

And I've been impressed by his way with people and his knowledge of ELO.

And ideally with the musical backing of a 22 piece house band.

And if people to this day shouted at me in the street, or when I'm trying to pay for my shopping, or if I ring up a call centre to renew car insurance on the doctor's waiting room.

And if they happen to be accompanied by the family dog, I'm sorry, but that dog was going down.

And if you do buy snacks on board, just keep your receipts and we'll get you reimbursed within 28 days.

And if you've enjoyed listening to my story.

And imagine what could have become of every trounced copier bouncing back.

And in a funny, kooky, zany kind of way.

And in my tipsiness I began to talk in gushing terms about her.

And in personal terms, did they ring the changes?

And in the last episode, we'd see him put in the final piece and suddenly.

And intermittent athletes foot. So as I say, no, no funny business at all the.

And it issued a rod of arrow into the arm of a female steward.

And it was a time of free thinking, free love, and in my case.

And it was quickly apparent that listeners had warmed to this new digitalin Partridge.

And it was when we did that I took another giant leap into the warm waters of adulthood.

And it's not an unattractive lady, lolly, I must say, one that I'm sure every man here would dearly like to lick.

And it's really hard to work out how he feels the series has gone.

And its supercardioid microphone produces crystal clear sound.

And Itvs Asplan company, the only serious rival for the chat show crown.

And just under nine months, I will be welcoming a child into the world in much the same way as I would one day welcome the guests onto my primetime BBC chat show.

And like a civilian hospital targeted by a contestant on skirmish.

And like billions of Chinese children, I consequently had to endure a home life of intense loneliness.

And looked so sad that I started to cry on her behalf and then on my behalf. And then I didn't know on whose behalf I was crying on because I was making a right mess.

And marched up and down my landing to stop the cavalry by Jonah Lewis.

And me returning to my normal accent, Sonia had retained hers.

And Michael had agreed to perform because he was in his words.

And my last year of living with Carol Anglian Water had against my will.

And my listeners were grateful that they were getting more Alan in their mid morning diet.

And no, they won't offer wholesale rates to passing members of the public.

And not only came with a complimentary shoe horn, but also entitled the bearer to free alterations on every suit purchased.

And now, as I bulldoze them into a mass grave with a fag in my mouth.

And on my insistence, we're making three shows a day, six days a week.

And on the other side of the Atlantic, President JFK Kennedy.

And one of those pyros that writes in different colours depending on which button you flick down.

And order a couple of less senior people to assemble everyone in front of the foyer.

And other things like cameras and monitors differ as well.

And outside, cars zoom up and down the road.

And people kept adding another piece of straw, and another piece and another until I couldn't carry anymore.

And people might subconsciously think of me, Alan Partridge.

And pledge not to economise, self transformation diagnosis ever again.

And put it directly on primetime telly on the Emerald Isle.

And quickly scare away any remaining children.

And reason the only way to stay writing people's consciousness and appear important.

And remember, we entered choppy waters pretty soon after my balls dropped.

And rub their eyes as if greeting a new day. Production managers whistled as they worked.

And run after work Forward Solutions courses for a special corporate rate of £299.98 per head excluding VAT.

And said it overseen a major organizational restructure which I wouldn't understand.

And saw no reason why I couldn't stay among the Lamberts for the rest of my life.

And she looked at me through the windscreen and reversed very proficiently onto the road.

And she looked so happy and proud. It made my throat constrict and fill up with tears.

And she responded by Downing her glass of wine and getting another one.

And shocked me with a loud bark of. Be careful with that.

And should have begun to wonder if there was some subconscious link between my self-confidence.

And sit in front of the record player, treating my fellow carousers to the latest cuts.

And smashed on the floor in a hail of crumbs and redness and cream.

And so here I go, beginning my long descent back to Earth.

And so inexorably fatter and more housebound.

And so it is that he forges ahead with his live shows, long past the point that he derives any enjoyment from them.

And so it was that by the end of our pleasantly greasy breakfast.

And so it was that six months later, I was included on a round Robin Circular memo to BBC reporters.

And so this young, neglected but resourceful young man would guzzle down knowledge like kids would guzzle down fizzy pop.

And so would the relationship, visibly curdling by the hour.

And so, before heading to the car park where my assistant and some sandwiches were waiting for me.

And so, with fewer work commitments, a slimmer physique, fresher breath.

And sought solace in the first class countryside of Norfolk.

And spending a cool 3 grand on signage, mugs and T-shirts.

And spent the best part of 1/4 of an hour visualizing myself in a view to a kill.

And summary then I was becoming a better all round broadcaster day by day.

And sure, maybe there's something glamorous about a booze man swigging whiskey on a sidewalk.

And that I will be bidding home riddance to my sidekick in a matter of weeks.

And that realization that these people would stab me and spit on my jolting corpse probably did colour my approach to the general public.

And that sense of worth was a shot in the arm for a young, thrusting Alan Partridge.

And that was a mound of slag I did not want to be on.

And that's despite the very real danger of coming away with a dirty back.

And the ability to branch out.

And the arrows out. The arrow is out. It's been plucked from the woman like a pointy Excalibur. Well done, that man.

And the creeping concern that I'm out staying my welcome.

And the death actual of Tory Pierre, Lord Morgan of Glossop in our final show.

And the early days I toyed with the idea of starting a relationship with her. Yet the more I thought about it.

And the fact that the police were called says more about genuine paedophiles than it does about me.

And the far superior M1 Abrams and Challenger ones.

And the jigsaw player is also a swallow.

And the meeting merely confirmed my long held desire to continue my career well away from the BBC.

And the monkey whose wrecked him? He forced his hand up. Represented coal miners or something.

And the pass of mainstream acclaim had been all that it emitted.

And the shop? It was like a newsagent, a supermarket and a Halfords all rolled into one.

And the sliced potato snacks had lopped a fair bit off my appetite.

And the tender pippity plop plop of her shit hitting the dirt.

And then came the news that the program was about to be transferred to BBC Television.

And then I fished my trunks from the well of piss with a fountain pen.

And then I she checked in the loft during which I she fell from the stepladder and cracked my her head on the wall.

And then one day came on the hour.

And then place me center table for a Christmas feast.

And then reached inside to extract the papery contents.

And then responding to Tony, here's have a GO intervention by belting him a couple of times too.

And then share a radio phone in on it that informs and entertains.

And then when I made good my escape from her cervix, see chapter one.

And there I'd been, drunk on the aisle of celebrity.

And there weren't two of them, but there are about half a dozen.

And there's a certain entertainment value in watching Baptiste Whoop and holler like he's got chilies in his unders.

And there's no way I'm prepared to spend the rest of my life in a wheelchair.

And they undertook an immediate review, making hardheaded decisions.

And they're only slightly put off by Nando's bewildering ordering system.

And this explained my somewhat distracted response when phoned with the good news.

And this time it clattered onto the liner, where the stem snapped.

And those that didn't each contain the phrase self-serving or vanity project.

And though I sit here today with a heavy heart and a weary soul.

And though the colourful lifestyle of one of them certainly put him in the at risk category, he wouldn't go fully blown till 2003.

And thoughts tumbled around my head like trainers in a washing machine.

And transmitted using a digital modulation scheme.

And understatement alert. He was seriously funny.

And urban DJ Lisa Lanson brought a westward style glamour to the proceedings.

And used such a hilarious mix of tenses. It gets the ball and he's gone and kicked it.

And waits as his entire herd of butterflies greets him by, Flitter fluttering their way over.

And walked around bouncing a tennis ball against a wall as I thought out loud.

And was an absolute whiz at buffing shoes tying Neckerchiefs.

And was and is a damn sight more of a talent than the likes of Tony Robinson or Andy Marr.

And was genuinely giddy at the prospect of my speech being delivered as a binary code.

And was keen to both track its growth and plot its destruction.

And we could begin to enjoy learning about the different stages of the fetuses growth.

And we were both absolute naturals at the thing where you lean on the Barstool in a way that means you're sitting and standing at the same time.

And we were to man the Elizabethan craft fair in period dress.

And we'll be following every twang rushka drawing of what is shaping up to be a classic British archery championships.

And we're not cooking, or tending to his gardens or completing jigsaws or finding words or watching rare wetland birds.

And what I fear may be the first stage of some sort of ritualistic sacrifice.

And what of Denton? Well, we bumped into each other in the King's arms three weeks ago.

And when I pushed open the nearest door and entered the room.

And when she handed me the menus, my response had been withering.

And when you're being spoken of in the same breath as the country's leading farmyard to table strategist.

And which ideas are graded depending on how loudly they're shouted?

And while he feels it worked less well in the section where I'm being interrogated by the police after shooting a man.

And while I'm certainly not angling for a reconciliation with a woman like Carol.

And while no one would be silly enough to claim that my trademark mix of great chat, decent pop and amusing homemade jingles.

And while other people who'd heard about Ben were saying no way.

And while the lady steward squeals like an impaled but quiet pig.

And while the woman was unimpressed, Denton and I fell about.

And whooped before lowering my voice out of respect.

And with a cooking surface of 70 centimeters times 45 centimetres.

And with that quip I revved my engine ready to speed off.

And with that, I went off to the bathroom to clear my head.

And with the internal inquiry into the regrettable death of Fobbs McAllister still ongoing.

And would have broken a lesser man, like a gingerbread man being thwacked with a meat tenderizer.

And would make the show myself in exchange for a hefty development and production fee.

And would represent an exciting chapter in both my career and the future of Radio North Norfolk.

And yes, Ella's does offer a moving discourse about hope being a buddy.

And yes, he was slovenly and coasted through several years of his career and wasn't a student of the genre in the way that I was.

And yet some people have accused me of intolerance or, even worse, homophobia.

And you can only understand convention when you're stuck rigidly to it 99% of the time. That's basic.

And you could instantly offend a fairly meaty percentage of patients.

And you join me at the annual funfair of North Norfolk Digital.

And you wipe out the hospital and are back down to 100 pounds.

Andy Bandal, Joe Cows, Alan Roland, Richard Toms, Justin Parker, Knoll Scott, and Daniel Groves.

Angrily quizzing my assistant on the quality of each day's show and sending tapes to Denise and Fernando to flag up anything that sounds dated or foggy like.

Answering general knowledge questions to gain territorial advantage.

Any sport that had been around had scabbed up and dropped off.

Anyway, after that, talk naturally turned to motor vehicles.

Anyway, I think she's reverted to her Polish maiden name. She's a teacher in Nantwich.

Anyway, Nick was helming Radio Norwich and had always been a pretty solid guy.

Apache Communications, Apache Productions, Apache office supplies.

Apart from a truly distasteful dalliance with a menopausal member of staff years earlier.

Apart from the one about Ungodliness and the one about Mormons.

Apparently, as you've filled up, you could actually feel the power of the gush through the handle.

Are you OK? Says a passing French woman who's obviously learnt to speak English.

Armed to the nines with high grade weaponry and question cards.

Armed with a new understanding of London Broadcasting, I was able to provide a kind of directors commentary on current affairs TV shows.

Arrogantly assuming that their thanks and praise had been heaped at me.

As a combination of fruit juice, fried food and hot coffee settled in our contented tummies.

As a customer, I was, in part paying her wages.

As a disabled guy wants to get into the parking space.

As a haven for businessmen, choristers was quite unique.

As a result, Sal and myself were pretty miffed as we browsed the menu.

As American peacekeeping soldiers scream when given back chat by unarmed natives.

As deejaying gigs go, it was far harder than people realise.

As family, friends who are friends with our family, theirs was a loving home.

As far as they were concerned, their new colleague had just accused them all of having aids.

As he queued up the backing track to Crest of a wave and told him to.

As he struggles to break free of the tabloid moorings.

As humans of both sexes hurried and scurried about, I nodded in quiet satisfaction.

As I began to crawl, walk, and then express myself through dance.

As I caught the olive, which admittedly had been in the air for a long time, in my mouth.

As I drag my nails back and forth across the base of my gullet.

As I entered the pub, I instantly spotted the source of the mirth.

As I gather speed, my side parting lifts off my scalp. I can fly, it must be thinking.

As I have done for everyone of my broadcasts over some 30 years.

As I pretended to have an itchy cheek so I could wipe away another Fleck of spittle from my face.

As I read the traffic and travel or introduced a clip from my favorite goon show LP.

As I sang along, eyes closed, I imagined it played to the applause of a studio audience.

As I sat effortlessly reading a book aimed at 11 to 12 year olds.

As I slept was on an outward bound course to Snowdonia when I hugged a man in a sleeping bag, but that was only for warmth.

As I stood there drinking in the whole incredible experience, one thing was abundantly clear to me.

As I strode the burning station, salvaging a listenership here.

As I struggle to pole vault my body gradually towards the studios.

As I walked on the set that day, I had no inkling whatsoever as to what a seminal moment this was.

As I was able to spend 30 minutes venting down the phone to her.

As I write these words, I'm noisily chomping away on not one.

As if bookending my short and ultimately unhappy life.

As if my career should die just because Forbes has.

As it turns out, though, I was right to be anxious about the editorial meeting.

As my mind scans its database for a Plan B.

As one of the most trusted voices in Norfolk in North Norfolk.

As such, he was often targeted by youths, vagrants and Scots.

As the guest ale flowed, we'd pot how to bring him to his knees.

As the pain causes up through my body, I Yelp like a shot dog.

As the process of clearing and then restocking my workspace was an absolute pleasure.

As the team screamed at each other, I noticed that my favorite CD, ABBA Gold, was on the stereo.

As the train came in, we got aboard and sat down next to one another.

As they jiggled and shackled their way into the jaws of a state-of-the-art pumping machine.

As they went to work with their hoof picks, shedding blades and dandy brushes.

As this thought had been so long, I decided to repeat my question. Tony, I said. Are you gonna put this baby on the gogglebox or what?

As well as being aerodynamically unfeasible, wings sprouting from the shoulder blades would pull the rib cage backwards and gradually suffocate the Angel, A cause of death that's similar, ironicall...

As with all feminists, she combined a hatred of being sexualised with a fixation that everything is to do with sex.

Asking for applications to join the team of a new Radio 4 current affairs show.

Assist a station with a far more refined listenership, but in need of a kick in the arm.

Assuming it was nothing more dangerous than indigenous pop.

At a BBC party that autumn, I introduced myself to a commissioning editor by the name of Adam Walters.

At a crisis meeting in early November, we battled to find a solution. The closest we came with the idea of installing caravan portaloos in the boot.

At best, it provoked an indifferent grant. At worst, it would cost me friendships.

At first for digital radio anywhere in Norfolk, Norfolk.

At least my gun making friends seemed to suggest Lord Byron's beautiful and ballistically awesome pistols.

At the height of the show's popularity, I was receiving 5, sometimes 6 pieces of fan mail per quarter.

At the same time, I hope to give me a chink of insight into the mindset of the travelling community.

At the same time, Macomb contracted glandular fever.

At the same time, my other business interests were blossoming like the small flowers that grow on trees each spring.

At this point, I was still toying with the idea of joining a gospel choir.

At times caring, at times distant and with little or no interest in the individuals under my charge. And believe me.

Avian in nature, I think perhaps it's a birdsong, a crow maybe.

Awaiting news of a second series from the BBC whilst simultaneously needing to fulfill commitments to Radio Norwich meant that Linton Travel Tavern seemed an obvious choice.

Back to me. I was becoming known for my no nonsense interview style and my never say die attitude.

Back. And my God, was that the time? I had just five minutes to get to work.

Banging on the door of a BP garage at 2:00 AM, pleading for the hit of Toblerone and getting it.

BBC One was crying out for KMKY.

Because as a laundryman, he doesn't think like a police officer.

Because Clifton has failed to get out of my way and has effectively broken my fall.

Because his bandmates are currently suing him for unpaid earnings and he needs the money.

Because I actually had a really good day at the paper mill.

Because I am about to blow the lid off one of the most explosive incidents in my entire life.

Because I got a red receipt in my e-mail inbox.

Because I knew my assistants racist mother had just died of lung cancer.

Because if he'd been 20 years older, he would have been up in Crown Court. And quite right, too.

Because it often have dark thoughts rounded off with a little joke.

Because it's quite tiring to write like that and I've just had a mug of hot milk.

Because they don't want housewives to know how strong they really are.

Because this year of all years, with rumours circulating that I'm past it.

Before a short hop on the A140 saw me join the AK47 and later the A 17.

Before a show, he would spend 15 minutes purring, licking his imaginary paws and hanging his head over a bin trying to bring up fur balls.

Before a stern lecture to self in my bathroom mirror.

Before Channel 4's insufferable Grand Designs program.

Before he left, he was good enough to take a photo of me for posterity.

Before I do anything, I workout the track listing for the show and come U with scripted chat that I'll pass off as spontaneous quipping when I flag in the final hour of the slot.

Before Maxwell can reach me, I wind down the window and holler something witty.

Before providing a pretty thorough breakdown of the main ones and peppering it with facts and figures.

Before so-called alternative so-called comedy.

Before walking into the lounge and warmly greeting them all.

Before we'd both settled down to a boil in the bag Curry whilst watching a VHS of Taggarts and magnums.

Began production on the 9th of August 1992.

Being here seems to be sending me a far more poignant message.

Besides the realisation mid broadcast that certain participants were attempting to sabotage the show.

Besides, I'm confident that he would have wanted an hour long special for me anyway.

Besides, I've always thought that people can be too quick to judge widows.

Besides, we'd figured that if anyone did end up paralysed come next spring, our ushers one taking the feat, the other of the hands.

Besides. Well, I knew it could do a good job on tummies and thighs.

Between 1962 and 1970, Macomb. And again, these are events that bother me so little my brain hasn't filed under.

Bit misleading that they were basically models dressed in Santa outfits on standby to hand out mulled wine and mince pies.

Black leather tie, buffed up shoes and a rich brown leather jacket.

Blessed with the common touch and not a clever clogs.

Blood is glugging from a cut in his knee, like a big squirt of leg ketchup.

Bloody hell, I thought. This is ideal. Nick wants me to do it. The listeners want me to do it.

Bonkers Bry combined a wacky sense of humour with a genuine mental illness and went on to cohost drive time on signal radio.

Both he and I knew he could still make it into the station by using as few as three buses.

Bought from do it all, funnily enough, made me wise up.

Bouncy castle fall only partially broken by bad man. I answer concisely now drive.

Boyle is one of the new breed of BBC TV execs for whom television programmes seem to be a genuine inconvenience.

Brain box author Lawrence Camley was a Ruddy good sport Ali tenant. A TV mind crack was interesting, although perhaps too smutty for an audience reared on shipping news and dramas about farms.

Broadcast on Monday, Wednesday and Friday.

Brooks, Cameron, Clarkson, Murdoch, Quaffing Champers and laughing our heads off at everyone else.

Brought on by a perfect storm of country dancing, hot weather and the high pollen count.

But a shout from a nearby doorway halts my train of thought.

But Adam's compliment had excellent selection of biscuits soon cheered me up.

But after 18 months, Scramble was quietly dropped.

But after a conversation with the Feet station controller, Frank Shears.

But all the while is listening to me and shouting back his order.

But all these years later, when I think back to those aborted evenings out.

But apart from the onset of aging, I was pleased that the ethos, the spirit and the playlist of radio knowledge were exactly the same.

But as a friend of grandstand backup presenter Steve Ryder.

But as a Ukrainian who'd spent half her life as part of the Eastern Bloc.

But as I approached, I could see the suffering in and around her eyes.

But as I bellowed from a park bench to everyone and no one after another party for one night.

But as I ease her into third, a rice smile dancing across my increasingly moist lips.

But as long as you keep telling yourself to move your right arm in time with your left leg and vice versa, and to push off with sufficient propulsion.

But as soon as I heard the level of their chit chat, I froze.

But at a rate that made you think twice about complimenting him on it because it was more likely to be the consequence of a serious illness.

But at the end of the pilot episode, his right wing views are vindicated when he blows the lid on a drug smuggling racket.

But at the same time, I knew that that afternoon's downpour would have made the slate tiles so slippery that achieving any kind of purchase would have been impossible.

But automatically placing them on some kind of raised plinth or pedestal.

But because I hadn't seen the incident and because I knew almost nothing about horses.

But blanks me every time she sees me and has a habit of tutting when I speak.

But boy, I'd love to hear the roar of an approaching 999 car.

But but we've not even had the cheese course, he said.

But can't recall the exact details as I was drinking a lot of cider at the time.

But don't be deceived by this seemingly intimate tale of fatherless and.

But even with my swimming trunks on, I think this would have been a bit weird.

But every cloud has a silver lining, and I suppose my assistance loss is the black communities gain.

But fine, I wanted a pizza and tiramisu anyway.

But for such a birdlike woman, she was far too hard on the clutch.

But for the record, I'd like to point out that the hospital is not entirely blameless itself.

But had agreed to cover it live as Taverham Archery Club was playing host to the British Archery Championships that year and that was apparently a big deal for Norfolk.

But he just stood there, watching me, the stop side of the lollipop, facing my way.

But he said he didn't want to do it and didn't remember who I was.

But he was inhaling a lot of nail varnish remover around that time, I'm told.

But he was the first kid in the playground to go French.

But he's in celebratory mood and feels good.

But his indomitable spirit and enormous wealth had enabled him to achieve a marriage.

But how to deal with the call of nature in the middle of the night?

But I can honestly say it's not something I ever think about.

But I chortled as I thought of what the ball and chain would have said.

But I felt that Dentam was pushing his luck enormously here.

But I got the extension number wrong and it went to a different man.

But I had a considerable advantage in that, unlike the three I've mentioned, forward solutions wasn't shit.

But I had to think for ages then between the words name and was so insignificant. Is he in the roll call of people I've encountered?

But I know for a fact that this can't happen because his entire collection is dead.

But I never have turned around and dumped him in the tummy. All set fire to an Airfix Messerschmitt before putting it behind his bedroom door so he'd be intoxicated by the burning plastic.

But I read a pamphlet in a dentist waiting room that said it was healthy and important to speak openly about sexual issues. So I will.

But I remained Stony faced again like an emperor.

But I steeled myself against hangers on and well wishers, typically meeting their so-called compliments with a snort or a Stony silence.

But I still stand there each year, smack bang in the middle of a disabled parking Bay.

But I thought it would set a poignant tone for the episode and slash or gain enough pity to sway the mind of a Commissioner.

But I was a bloody good interviewer and a bloody solid guy.

But I was in no doubt that I was on a steep upward career trajectory.

But I was no wee Bonnie boats like a bird on the wing.

But I was operating at about four hours sleep since Christmas Eve and had set myself on the show unrealistically high standards.

But I was unperturbed, glad even, that I'd made the error.

But I'd lost track of time and arguing with Howard Stapleford about the possibility of time travel and had missed my usual train.

But I'd missed the Last Post and never got the BYU TV job.

But I'm confident they'd have literally bitten my hand off.

But I'm still using a giant bottle of Pagan man.

But I've always found her continued correspondence a bit desperate.

But I've scrubbed Stacey's name off now and replaced it with that of Pete Gabbitas.

But if anyone came close to filling the role of agent manager, it would have been Pete Gabbitas.

But if I'd received an unexpectedly large MOT bill combined with the death of a good friend. Plus, I hadn't eaten that day.

But if you're a lady and you don't shave your pits, you look like a Ruddy bloke.

But in my day, public toilets were for pissing and shitting.

But in some ways I was able to donate something far more powerful.

But in that room, fueled by nothing other than raw nerves, out at plopped, fully formed and ready to go.

But instead of the crack of bone on tarmacadam, what I hear is more of a squelchy thud.

But it didn't compensate for the absence of love and affection I received in my home.

But it had been Co devised by Bill Oddie, and he'd made me promise I wouldn't pitch it if he wasn't there.

But it must have been fairly local, because I remember being pleased I'd driven there without stopping for a toilet break.

But it take a few steps before claiming he was dead drunk.

But it was all viewing figures and audience appreciation ratings and stats and figures.

But it was also nice to be able to prove wrong all those people who say it's impossible to make a lifelong friend out of a hotel employee.

But it was Lewis Hurst, a theatrical agent, who had invested some money in the company.

But it was only after I completely cleared my desk weeks later.

But it was then as we tried to hurdle the central reservation.

But it wasn't just in my VO work that things were changing.

But it's borderline self indulgent to devote several years of your life to a single subject.

But Jemima was undeniably one of those uppity overconfident types.

But journalists calls to the BBC were met with an officious.

But just to be the person whose sole job was to bring the laughter.

But just to reiterate, forward solutions was not and is not some presentation that could just be repackaged into a 12 part series of lifestyle makeover shows for BBC One.

But knowing he was important, I kept an eye on him and admired him from afar.

But let's just say that when two healthy and hygienic adults enjoy 2 bottles of wine on an empty stomach.

But little did we realise as our Ace Natter entered its fourth hour.

But my appearance through the frosted glass of the door would provide hushed whispers of anticipation inside.

But my hunch is that it's either a gun or the brush from a dustpan and brush.

But my newfound clout in Norfolk was probably most noticeable.

But no, here he was, bold as brass, out and about.

But no, it's too big, too complex to simply be an old-fashioned lick and peel.

But not a second positive that would have pushed my happiness level higher than average.

But on this occasion I'd forgotten, distracted by a cracking pile up on the A11 eastbound.

But one day that grief will reach adolescence and dish out a frenzied and unprovoked Simeon beat down.

But one who actually believes the stuff he comes out with? He is whip smart.

But only because it was getting lighter in the evenings and more people were out rambling or sitting in beer gardens.

But only realized at the last minute that the dogs were chasing an actual rabbit.

But Sonia changed all that. And how?

But Sonia's love of practical jokes? Sex. Laughter. Chintzy homeware.

But still I'm dry mouth and unable to propel the words towards the foamy orb of the mic.

But that comes with the territory when you're hoovering up the lion's share of corporate production and post production contracts in the North Norfolk region.

But that could wait. First I had to be there for Jane Hayes.

But that night's bid up TV is so enjoyable.

But that wasn't what catapulted me to local radio glory.

But that's by the buy. The first show is a great success.

But that's not in any way to trivialize what is clearly a distressing situation.

But that's the nature of live television, and I honestly don't think people noticed. Again, some of the guests were a little surly, but that has to come down to the book, and at the end of the seri...

But that's what Archers do. If this was in the wild, The Archers would stand there high fiving each other.

But the majority of Norfolk owning or having access to a telephone, it seemed utter folly not to build the show around a phone in feature.

But the nature and length of my stay there hadn't been adequately explained to me.

But the point is the inane taunts from my school days.

But the reporter has the figures written down on a notepad and won't be deterred.

But the RTE executives behind me see it differently.

But the tone of the e-mail was, to my mind, unmistakably upbeat.

But the unjustness of the BBC stopping me being on the television.

But their reassuring televisual demeanour was, I realised, a facade.

But then grief hit when that person was back at work doing, I don't know, her employer's quarterly underwear shop.

But then I reasoned that he was old, which explained why it might have slipped his mind.

But then reconsidered and called back very quickly to accept.

But then she was still a long, long way off of full recovery.

But there are quite a few others in the company too who I'm unable to name.

But there are tailbacks from the road works onto the G****s Hill roundabout.

But there I was, standing and gawping at a single tree.

But there was another reason I was fizzing with excitement, like the sodium bicarbonate rich soluble tablets mentioned in the last chapter.

But there was to be a moving postscript to this chapter in my life.

But there's also an essential fragility to my personality.

But there's no reason I can't get back on that castle and hop.

But these days were as fleeting as a collection of fast birds.

But these, don't forget, were the days before mobile phones.

But they refused to believe that I only had it there to speed, dry, hand washed undies.

But they said their only free slot was the Christmas season and they normally fill that with the pantomime.

But they were dragging their heels in the way that only a groaning bureaucracy populated by Oxbridge graduates can.

But this reek of pure BBC quality only added to my sense of apprehension.

But thought it was just one of those things people say to get attention.

But was mollified when I smelt the shoes, and they didn't smell of human waste.

But was only allowed to eat any on special occasions, such as after meals.

But we hit a snag. The BBC had decided that Alan's show wouldn't work as a name.

But we retain the indefinable quality of excellence.

But we're a back bedroom operation masquerading as a properly established company.

But what a laugh as we staggered along the street like silly idiots.

But when added to loads of other pieces of straw, it adds up until one piece of straw.

But when Forbes remains slumped in their general direction, they bolted in a pretty Craven attempt to spoil the series sign off.

But when I got there I was on the receiving end of an almighty curveball.

But when I started recounting how she used to let me lick the spoon when she was making cakes or gravy.

But when I thought about her in a leotard, it made me feel all cold inside.

But which a small minority of backward Norfolk underachievers repeated again and again and again and again.

But with a diet rich in cholesterol and alcoholic booze.

But with loads of emphasis, so it was clear that enjoying might have a double meaning.

But yes, Alan's career hiccup hit me hard.

By his own admission, he's better equipped to handle employment tribunals than homicide, but it's a pleasure to see him.

By magicking up more wine to get them pissed. How is that holy?

By making three television shows a day, six days a week.

By now Maxwell has almost upon me. I bought from the car, swivel on my heels and began to Sprint, leaping over a 5 foot style like it isn't there.

By placing the emphasis on the different word each time and continued bellowing it for a while before I realised that Emily Boyce was in there doing the weather.

By putting posters up around Norwich and giving work experience to family friends.

By that I mean the intervening years hadn't been kind.

By the fact that there's nothing more than a spiky Mexican plant.

By the one in Bristol, another in the Roman town of Chester.

By the time I was 16, our relationship had broken down to such an extent that I'd rarely even let her do my blackheads.

By this point, my ankle has swollen to roughly the size of a child's head.

By virtue of the fact it has to be loud enough for the audience to hear it, it is inconceivable that it can't also be heard by the character in question.

By way of example, a lot of folks said they expected me to have far nicer eyes.

Caked in the latest set of company financials.

Called in sick to Patry, told Carol I was off to the office, then set up a vantage point opposite the house.

Can I please just go home? I'm doing a store opening at 10 for World of leather.

Capping the verbal diarrhea spewing from some of the younger deejays there.

Careful, she said, suddenly irritated. You nearly broke that.

Carol and I had been hiking and stopped for a toilet break behind a large boulder on Helvellyn.

Carol for it's pretty graveyard. It's cherry blossom and it's old world charm.

Carol had been hymen free for the best part of six years.

Carol left me 14 months after the last of my TV chat shows. I wasn't in a good place. The back garden usually.

Carol scotched the idea of reconciliation and said we were splitting up for good in 1996 and I, of course, demanded sole custody of the children.

Carol's brother turns up and tells me she's seeing another man.

Carrying an umbrella to protect her body from the drench.

Caused variously by physical exercise, spicy food, bright sunlight, embarrassment, dairy, shouting, hearing or doing, and fiddling with my nose.

Challenging but easily digestible for an audience of housewives and unemployed males.

Challenging conventions should be left to those of us who truly understand convention.

Chris Feather had been a rising star at BBC.

Chris was in good spirits, alert and sound of mind.

Chris's successor, Jessica Boyle, was a sigh in human form.

Clarkson was a point away from a driving ban, so as test driving cars like they were hearses.

Clearly this wasn't the forum to discuss my employment at the BBC, so I acknowledged each other with a nod.

Clever. He knows that one wrong move from me and my head will be ripped clean off.

Clifton's bus turns left, mine goes right.

Clocking me, he wanted over doing up his belt and seeing to his fly.

Clutching my best shoes in a plastic carrier bag.

Comb my thick hair past my ears like a glossy hat.

Combine the kettle with the refrigerated minibar and wallop.

Combined with a Tudor brick quality, a sort of Hampton Court fit for a Norfolk Conservative.

Come, come with me through the fog clad mists of time.

Communicating in a bounce back to where I was before I bounced back.

Controversial lawyer Nick Ford was an especially crass interviewee, not attempting to hide his homosexuality at all, as far as I could tell.

Could I have just experienced my own personal Cuban missile crisis?

Cowell had said to me she wanted to clear her head, so I moved out just before Christmas.

Creating an exact replica of the inside of my house.

Crowther read the first page with bemused interest before.

Crumbs. I splattered again in much the same way as I'd done previously. Thanks.

Cursing the absence of my partner in chicken, I went over to get the required eating tools, walking as fast as I could without breaking into a run.

Cut the sweet shit, twinkle toes, I said, like a latter-day Jack Regan.

Dale Life spent a lovely weekend hanging out at the Earls Court boat Show, and he was delightful company.

Damn you, man. We can turn this round. I know we can.

Dave Clifton was left to stagnate on Radio Norwich, shunted to Norfolk Knights.

Dave couldn't master anything like the energy needed to carry a 3 hour late night show.

Dave frowned as he loaded his cans into the boot of his car and claimed he wasn't going anywhere. Mate.

David Essex's hold me close burns victims.

DC wide eye a stickler for the rules.

Dealing with unemployed listeners 5 days a week, I'm still sometimes pleasantly surprised that they can be brainy.

Delivering an unending torrent of human filth and waste into our homes.

Delivery for Mr Maxwell iraw, this time remembering to say it out loud.

Delivery for Mr Partridge, delivery for Mr Partridge, he was saying.

Denton and I became moderately firm friends outside of work, too.

Denton didn't just let me down, he let himself down, too.

Despite being a lab assistant, he was actually an OK guy.

Despite our differences, I took no pleasure in having a much better slot than Dave.

Despite the fact that my wife has left me and my kids really take my calls.

Did I come to be born with this aura of otherness, this Genesee choir?

Did I miss having my own parking space at television centre?

Did I really want to entrust My Portfolio of projects to this shoddy outfit?

Did I used to enjoy the makeup girls referring to me as Mr Partridge?

Digital data can be sent by shifting the carrier's frequency among a set of discrete values, a technique known as frequency shift keying.

Diligently showering each day and making sure that my body.

Dining each morning from the breakfast buffet and speaking into a dictaphone.

Do as I say, I said calmly.

Do you really think I'd have pursued a career in television?

Does make quite the name for himself as a voiceover artist with, by his own admission, a pretty limited range.

Don't believe me? Ask Bob Granger up at Keele.

Don't get me wrong, I wasn't an avid watcher of the channel, being neither a young urban male.

Don't get me wrong, the prospect of spending Christmas in unbroken solitude didn't fill me with cheer.

Don't have to, mate, I shouted back. A spring in my step.

Don't read the reviews, said Martin Bell one day in the corridor.

Dozens of others reach over and hug me, although there's absolutely no physical contact between myself and my assistant.

Dream on. But he exercised self restraint.

Dressed in a smart suit but wearing a buttonhole flower, which I felt was in bad taste.

Duetting on UB 40s rat in my kitchen.

During those long, hard months in the womb, she'd been less my mother and more my house.

Dynamic and young, indeed, many of the staff should technically have been at school.

Each show seemed more informative, entertaining and superb than the last.

Eager to keep myself occupied, I was, from a young age, deeply inquisitive.

Eastward told me about our impending transfer from wireless to Gogglebox.

Effortlessly able to switch between the rival demands of a wine bar, a hotel lobby.

Either phoned you, but mobile phones haven't yet reached mainstream adoption, his shrug seemed to add.

Either through boot force or just by invoking the paper purchases prerogative.

Emergency, it began, but that it always does. NND now.

Emotionally, I'd invested a great deal in the success of the show.

Employees at a London radio station like LBC or Radio London or London FM might have been a bit sniffy about it.

Energetic, boisterous and really very zesty.

Enigmatically, I had decided to stay not in the woodworm infested squalor of university halls, but to commute in from my home, my parents home.

Equally, I was acutely aware of the car parking situation mentioned above.

Especially because many have been taken while crouching behind bins, squirrelled away in bushes or.

Especially the face of Craig Kilty, AKA the monster, because it is actually him, whereas the other one isn't Tony Hayes.

Especially with so much starvation in places like Africa and parts of Norfolk.

Essentially, less hot chocolate and more Tears For Fears.

Even accounting for the fact that I never wore boots, this was a good line.

Even after all these years, I feel compelled to add that caveat.

Even among such a vast number, I've stood out as quite an outstanding officer.